Originally Posted by
JeenLeen
So, I'm posting this mainly to have something to read back in case I get into a dark place later on.
But general depression feelings.
No official diagnosis, but I've had times of days to months of just wishing I was dead. Never to the degree of suicidal, but like "wow, it'd be nice if an accident happened and I didn't have to deal with all this hassle of living." This is a very emotionally draining perspective to have. It's like a dark cloud or shadow smothering everything.
That feeling passed a long time ago, but for a good while I'd been in a spot of "well, I don't actively want to die, but living is still a hassle." This is manageable. Being is draining, but not too hard.
For reasons I don't quite fathom, that faded last week. I am enjoying things. I might not have anything long-term I'm looking forward to, but just the day-to-day concerns, the celebrations of life and love*, are worth living. I had literally forgotten it could be this nice, and thought the prior state (not wanting to die, but still hard to act) was the best I ever got.
Like, last week I went to the beach with my wife and kids while in the "medium sad" range. It was a good time, but it was so much effort to put forth the energy to play and interact.
Last few days, I just have had fun. Even when things are hard, like my wife and I in an argument, or the kids being misbehaved badly, it's okay. I played with my kid on the playground, and it was just fun, able to freely (without great emotional drain) smile and enjoy the action.
I don't care a ton about this for myself, but it's not fair for my kids to have a father struggling to be there emotionally.
So, hoping this lasts. Or, if it doesn't, then at least I remember there's goodness and (to my personal experience at least) remembering that helps me break through the metaphorical clouds and restore my emotional and mental balance.
Note: doing something productive helps. Life, in general, is actually harder and tougher now than a few weeks ago. I'm starting learning Godot to make a video game, and I think that goal of learning and doing something (beyond day-to-day "got to"s of work and chores) helps. Keeping up on chores helps, too. Kinda just being active and doing what needs doing helps. At least for me.
*paraphrasing Terra's speech at end of original Final Fantasy 6 translation in US (as FF3). I remember this being so poignant as a kid, and maybe hard times made me forget why.