Quote Originally Posted by JeenLeen View Post
So, I'm posting this mainly to have something to read back in case I get into a dark place later on.

But general depression feelings.
No official diagnosis, but I've had times of days to months of just wishing I was dead. Never to the degree of suicidal, but like "wow, it'd be nice if an accident happened and I didn't have to deal with all this hassle of living." This is a very emotionally draining perspective to have. It's like a dark cloud or shadow smothering everything.

That feeling passed a long time ago, but for a good while I'd been in a spot of "well, I don't actively want to die, but living is still a hassle." This is manageable. Being is draining, but not too hard.

For reasons I don't quite fathom, that faded last week. I am enjoying things. I might not have anything long-term I'm looking forward to, but just the day-to-day concerns, the celebrations of life and love*, are worth living. I had literally forgotten it could be this nice, and thought the prior state (not wanting to die, but still hard to act) was the best I ever got.

Like, last week I went to the beach with my wife and kids while in the "medium sad" range. It was a good time, but it was so much effort to put forth the energy to play and interact.
Last few days, I just have had fun. Even when things are hard, like my wife and I in an argument, or the kids being misbehaved badly, it's okay. I played with my kid on the playground, and it was just fun, able to freely (without great emotional drain) smile and enjoy the action.
I don't care a ton about this for myself, but it's not fair for my kids to have a father struggling to be there emotionally.

So, hoping this lasts. Or, if it doesn't, then at least I remember there's goodness and (to my personal experience at least) remembering that helps me break through the metaphorical clouds and restore my emotional and mental balance.
Note: doing something productive helps. Life, in general, is actually harder and tougher now than a few weeks ago. I'm starting learning Godot to make a video game, and I think that goal of learning and doing something (beyond day-to-day "got to"s of work and chores) helps. Keeping up on chores helps, too. Kinda just being active and doing what needs doing helps. At least for me.

*paraphrasing Terra's speech at end of original Final Fantasy 6 translation in US (as FF3). I remember this being so poignant as a kid, and maybe hard times made me forget why.
If you are really out of it, expect an "I'm not going back there" moment in 3 to 6 weeks, Fear is a big thing, and it won't die quietly, but we can beat it, it's not easy,.but the way ahead is easy to see.

When they say "the only thing to fear is Fear itself", they are right, but Fear is not in any way a small thing.