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Quote Originally Posted by Talakeal View Post
Its once again time for me to ask, can anyone explain the modern concept of gender to me or point me to a website that actually explains things?

I just had another nasty exchange on twitter where I got simultaneously accused of not really being trans and of being transphobic because I referred to people as being one gender and then transitioning to the other; which is apparently a form of misgendering now?

I was also told that I can't even be a trans-ally until I accept that people are born with a gender identity, which really doesn't make sense to me.

Its a psychological fact that all human behavior is a combination of genetics, experiences, and conscious choices. Why is gender identity any different? What is this immutable gender identity that people are born with? Are they adopting mystical dogma and claiming that people have gendered souls or essences? Are they biological essentialists claiming all trans people are really intersex? Are they engaging in magical thinking and pretending like trans people were always their preferred sex? I just don't get it.

And every time I look for answers, I either get a lecture about how its only important to respect and not to understand (which just isn't how my brain works) or a circular argument that boils down to:
"I identify as X gender"
"Well what is X gender?"
"Its the thing that I identify as."

And, like, I want to understand, but it really hurts me when people make objective statements about gender identity that don't apply to me, as does when I am that I need to ascribe to a belief system without logic or evidence or else I am a hateful bigot. And I really don't feel transphobic, I fully believe that everyone should be able to express their gender and modify their body in any they like with full access to human rights and legal protections, but I can at least understand bigoted arguments even if I don't agree with their conclusions.

Really looking forward to guidance, but thanks for listening to me vent either way.


Edit: Oh, and for extra fun, I tried calling up my parents and talking to them about it, but I am not out to them yet and so couldn't explain why it hurt me so much, and was told that they "Don't like talking to me when I am in a whiny mood" and hung up on. Just to give me a small taste of what being disowned feels like on the day I actually come out to them.


I always recommend the Gender Dysphoria Bible. Also, check out the RationalWiki articles.

I was going to answer in depth, but that would require an essay I'm not ready to write right now(future edit: agh, guess I'm writing that essay after all >.<).

Suffice it to say that my research leads me to see gender identity as neurological and endocrine in nature. The theory goes that the interplay of systems that govern the development of a growing fetus (e.g. hormonal exposure) can affect their resulting gender identity and sexual orientation.

In short, I'm trans because my AGAB does not match what I know myself to be, which causes gender dysphoria that manifests in different ways, the only known effective cure for which is to literally transition. No spiritual woo needed, it's just science. As reductive as the 'born this way' statement could be (reductive cos it's more complicated than that), the statement is no less true. Experience and conscious choice for me factor in to my identity in the sense that without even trying (I also can't transition at the moment due to family) I get pinged as fem (experience), and I choose to stop denying my true self because the contrary is too painful to consider (choice).

If we had that hypothetical conversation, it would go something like this:
"I'm a femby."
"What's that mean?"
"My word for 'nonbinary transfeminine', which basically means 'genderfluid between 'woman' and 'nonbinary'."
"Why couldn't you just be a binary trans woman, then?"
"I also ask myself the same question a lot. The best I can come up with is that I don't feel like a binary trans woman. "

Fun fact: I wasn't sure what to think about nonbinary and genderfluid identities once... until I realized those terms explain how I experience gender. Nothing like

I'm new to all this however, so if there's any flaws in my explanation then know that I'm always eager to learn.