LGBTAIitp Part 60: Still Going Strong

[Sigako]

You're not alone in your circumstances. I'm sure your specific circumstances are unique, but people can be at a disadvantage in the dating scene for a whole lot of reasons: physical or mental illness, geographical isolation, poverty, just being ugly, etc.

None of this means that it's impossible to find a lasting romantic relationship. The internet is filled with miracle stories of unlikely people finding true love. With a bit of determination and a whole lot of luck, it's possible. It's just (relatively) unlikely.

Never said about it being unique, just unpleasant. And judging by amount of news about incels hoing crazy, I start to think that it's the people who are successfull at finding a good mate are actual outliers.
About 1.5 years ago I was presented with a bunch of such stories. I felt something fishy about the person that did it (I was right about him, but for completely wrong reason), so I digged around a bit, and found little good: one such miracle fell apart in mere months, another looked like a barely concealed abusive relationship ("You owe me everything" variety), and two were made up whole cloth for self-help/pick-up courses.

- The "you do you" option. You accept your situation and who you are. You accept you might never find a lasting romantic relationship, and you work on being OK with that. You might remain optimistic, and keep your eyes open for the miracle story mentioned above, but you especially work on getting a life that you're happy with without a romantic partner. If you do happen to find one it's an added bonus, but not necessary.
This includes finding other passions, finding a good outlet for sexuality (I guess getting rid of sexual urges is possible, but it sounds very dangerous) and a lot of introspection.
I guess this is the option most therapists would try to guide you to, since it requires mental solutions rather than practical solutions.

Ok, simple question: how do I deal with frustration? Cannot even j/o or watch porno/something with a romatic storyline without a fit of despair and self-hatred half the time. Therapists just play echo chamber with me on this topic - just repeat what the client wants, but word it as a recommendation and pile enough clever words on top to confuse them. Turns out I know enough clever words too and can spot bull**** after a while, but not enough to actually help myself.
Also I left it out, mostly out of shame, but I turned desperate for relationship about 3-4 years ago, when most of my other pursuits, which kept me more or less occupied enough to be able to ignore this since puberty, fell apart, turned out to be delusions or just stopped being compelling (I went offline for 4 months just to brood uninterrupted at one point). Hate to admit, but I hoped that finding a date would help me to drag myself out of depression (also, I remembered I'm soon to turn 30 already, and felt cheated of the whole "exploration phase"), but, well, we see how that turned out.

- The other option is working to increase your dating pool. Obviously you can't change your sexuality or your illness, but there are other ways to increase the amount of possible partners. Moving to a location with a very active LGBT+ community; getting involved with people who also have physical limitations and might be more accepting; taking lessons or practicing on, like, "accepted" social behaviour and how to seem pleasant; getting heavy into fitness so that you're physically very attractive; or heck, even getting so obscenely wealthy that people will be interested in you despite all other objections.
It's not a very popular approach, because "accepting who you are" is all the rage (and is definitely the option I would choose), but it's a valid way of looking at things.

Well, I see your train of thought, but while most of the listed options are usually reasonable to me they sound sort of irrelevant, because they deal with the wrong limiting factor.


Ok, that's a lot to chew. Mostly you just confirmed my thoughts, but at least you're honest here, which is, apparently, a huge rarity in this field.
Thank you.

ADD: Sorry for speech pattern - English not native, and I'm trying to hide behind long sentences.