Most of the time it is just very bad self talk. Feelings of hopelessness and shame telling me that I am a terrible person and that my presence is a blight upon people around me who only tolerate me out of social responsibility. If I am not feeling longwinded I just think people find me/would find me disgusting and that they secretly hate me.

As for the time I definitely acted as a creep I accept responsibility but will outline the event and the contributing factors of why I did very stupid stuff. What I did was two things. I had a crush on a woman (maybe I should just call the women I have crushes on gals) who was in a study abroad program with me. We were in the more advanced group of seven people so we all new each other. The first and worst stupid thing I did was try and take inappropriate pictures of her. I didn't stray into peeping tom territory but I did take some pictures down her shirt. A few days later I deleted them. The second big thing I did happened when the internet was out and I was being my usual nonsocially connected self. I sent her text messages which were weird, rambling and inappropriate. I don't think I strayed into anything lewd but I certainly stated I had a crush and I at-least referred to the pictures as something stupid I had done. In addition I talked about depression. She talked to the orginizer person about this and how it made her uncomfortable. He talked to me about how what I had done was innapropriate and how if I was dealing with mental health issues I shouldn't bring it up with other students and should talk to him about what help was available. I spent the next five days in a state of intense self loathing. When I came out of it I wanted to talk to her a little about it. Mostly I wanted to say that I wished she had sent a message back before I got to far in asking me to stop. I think I would have. But she did not owe me the courtesy. Things reset to normal for the next several weeks though I did try and avoid spending too much time with her. Near the end of the program I sent some stupid public messages, I think they were about how frustrated I was about something involving this whole incident. I did get told off. I think she mentioned that she only told the organizer person because of the depression stuff. That she knew how to handle jerks. After this last outburst of mine I withdrew into the extreme self loathing avoidance pattern. It didn't matter much because this happened at the very end of the program so I didn't have to face them much longer. I know at least one of them noticed but I avoided him. After this when I went back to the university I felt somewhat better but any encounter with people of the program left me terrified and I would go out of my way to avoid them.

As for the contributing factors to this stupid. When I first sent the messages I had no access to the internet and wanted to try being social instead of retreating to the house of my host family and not interacting with my cohort. In addition when I went on the study abroad program I had decided I wanted to try to be more social. I have what feels like very few friends where I live and little contact with people my age. I know I don't tend to try and build connections with other people so I thought I should be more forthright about stuff. This backfired horribly just like a previous attempt to be more assertive/constructive. Last, something that I can't exactly place before or after the stupid stated, I kind of gave up on my best friend. I didn't have very many friends in general and at that moment I think their was only one I was trying to stay in touch with. I of course had a crush on her in high school but I was mostly past that. Most of our interaction after that point had been on the public bus too and from the community college we were both going to. Gradually this fell through (along with all my other delusional friendships on the bus) as she became more busy and drove too and from the university. She rarely had time to respond to messages. Eventually I tried to reach out to near friends more assertively. It backfired horribly. One of the two people I tried a new strategy on called me out for being rude and trying to make her feel guilty about having a full schedule. My close friend didn't respond right away but when I mentioned the other friends reaction she agreed that I had been a jerk to throw needy guilt trip stuff at her. This might have been the last time we talked. After that I tried sending messages on facebook often. She never responded. And during the trip I looked at this, looked at how often I had tried to talk to her, finally realized that she just didn't want to talk to me. I blocked her because of this, but I didn't think I was doing it because I was upset with her. I blocked her because it seemed clear to me that I was not wanted as a friend and that all my attempts to contact her had been me being a terrible person. In my conception at the time I was blocking her so I wouldn't be tempted to keep hurting her. Also I took the opportunity to about 90% of the people on my friends list because I never talked to them and the same principle of not harming others with my presence applied.