Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
So I am in the first relationship to last more then three months, and I'm fairly certain it is dead.

My girlfriend and I spent every weekend of January and February together, we were talking about moving in together and things seemed to be going well. Then in March she started slamming breaks, we spent o ly two weekends together (the first and last weekend of the month.) The last weekend of March she basically ignored me the whole weekend, hanging out with her roommate and got me to move furniture instead. By Saturday night I was furious and withdrew a bit, went to bed early to calm down (my mom is abusive and I really don't like yelling.)

The next morning she wanted to know if I was breaking up with her, she brought up her abandonment issues and told me how withdrawn I was. I told her I was hurt that she wasn't spending time with me or prioritizing us when we did spend time together.

The three weekends since she has blocked my attempts to meet, either telling me she was to busy or cancelling at the last minute. She agreed to meet next weekend and is suddenly bombarding me with lovey messages about how funny I am and how much she likes me. It will be seven weeks since we spent actual time together, and a month since I said she wasn't prioritizing our relationship enough.

At this point I feel like the relationship is dead, but if she won't meet with me I don't even know how to break it off. I don't want to break up in the first place, but I already had a heart to heart about the issue and she has blown it off.

Edit: This sounds really obvious from an outsider perspective, but she regularly reassures me that she loves me and how scared she is I will dump her. I can't tell if it is a gaslight or she is just being really dumb about the whole thing.
Right, so take this with a massive grain of salt, and I'm NOT SAYING THIS IS THE ACTUAL TRUTH...

...but what you're describing is very reminiscent to me of someone going through bipolar or fluctuating depressive episodes. Moving from great, to temporarily withdrawn, to lovey-dovey, to stressed, and avoiding contact during the worst times. I've been there, myself, when my depression wasn't yet managed.

Now this could indeed be that she has a mental condition that's playing into it, but even neurotypical folks have episodes like this at times, especially those with other issues (like her abandonment issues).

Suffice it to say that what's happened so far, while it's definitely something to keep an eye on and, when you can, discuss, is not out of the ordinary for normal human behaviour with someone you like.

Additionally, not seeing each other for a few weeks (I assume there's distance between you) is pretty normal, though less common in the early relationship like this. The lack of communication during that time is a bit weird, but explainable if stress is the cause.

My advice? When you get together this weekend, ask her what's up. DON'T voice it as concern for the relationship, but concern for her, since she's seemed really busy and stressed lately, and you haven't seen each other for a while, and you want to know if things are alright, and if she's okay. This should get you past the initial abandonment reaction.

(Also make sure you're not pushing too much pressure at her during the times when she can't get together. Sometimes abandonment issues and commitment issues go hand in hand, so someone can read "I really want to see you, we haven't in a while" as high pressure and it can trigger their commitment reactions. If she cancels on you, be disappointed, but accepting. She's an adult with a life, after all, as are you. And try to express that disappointment in a way that gives her choice in things, like "Whenever you're able, I'd love to see you.")

But also watch how things go, and be aware of your own feelings and needs. It's possible this is weird gaslighting, but it's just impossible to say yet.