# Forum > Gaming > Roleplaying Games >  Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

## Guizonde

Prior Threads~
Here (I), Here (II), Here (III), Here (IV), Here (V), and Here(VI).

doc: that's not supposed to go there!
belsunce: isn't that what a mechanic is supposed to say?
louka: meh, the human body is a beautiful machine.

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## Rater202

Sarah's snuck into enough movies to know that this can only end in one of two ways: She's not particularly interested in murdering a high school while covered in animal blood and she's too young for the other thing.

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## HalfTangible

Playing Exalted. Some choice quotes so far...

ST: So... yeah. You got nine silver XP for making that one burger.
P1: Welcome to the crafting system, enjoy your stay.

P1: Meat sword. Not the kinky kind; the deadly kind.

P2: After all, it's not unlikely the circle (or at least the abolitionist members) may have to clash with the Guild.
P3: WHAT'S THIS?! CAPITALISM!?
ST: Capitalism ho!
P2: Burgermerchant and [P3's char], the capitalism hoes!
P3: MalReynoldsSpeechless.gif

P2: Can Hungry Ghosts enjoy burgers?

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## Imbalance

DM:  you find 9 recoverable spears among the dead sahaugin 
Me:  great.  How soon can I cut a few to length and start training Rizzo and his mousefolk kin to defend themselves?

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## uraniumdragon

Theyre playing Secret Hitler at the historical wargaming table!

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## gmoyes

GM: *upon realizing that a high level animation spell that one of the player was planning on taking would be large enough to animate an entire mansion* When you said you wanted settlement building, this wasn't quite what I had in mind.

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## Guizonde

me: vb, could you please get your butt out of my field of view?
vb: come on, it's almost as attractive as my wife's!

dahrzull: vb, mind getting your butt out of my screen?
me: told you!
vb: that was the grenade's fault...

vb: gui, your butt is ruining my aim!
me: it was the grenade, i swear!
dahrzull: sorry about that.

i love dying light. i hate friendly fire, but those quotes are worth it.

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## 5crownik007

Scientist PC: so ooc question since I missed the first hour, are we still on planet communism?

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## Coventry

*Spoiler*
Show


Gathur Silkfire (Bard) is a recent addition to the team.

... it was one of those nights.



PC 1: Is a halfling part panda?
PC 2: No, you're thinking of Ling Ling
PC 1: So, are they one-quarter panda?

Symeon-OOC: So the gnome does a cannon-ball dive into the swimming pool
Arksbane-OOC:  As the gnome dives in, Arksbane casts Vision of Hell on the pool
Killian-OOC:  Killian lays back in the Hellpool, with a cocktail in hand
Symeon-OOC: We need to add an illusion of the drink being on fire
Killian-OOC: Oh, that turns it into real "fire water"

DM: The water of the pool has healing properties.  For example if there are kinks in the back ...
Gathur-OOC: No! We're in another room!
DM: *facepalms*

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## Comissar

Player 1 - "I'll cast speak with animals to wingman the bull with one of the cows."

__________________

Player 1 - "Why did I let you two go off on your own?"

Me - "You had to get back to wingman for the bull..."

__________________

GM - "You realise you're walking in a straight line, and that's never happened before."

Player 2 - "I've never walked in a straight line before!"

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## LordCdrMilitant

*D&D*

*AEthelwyn*: Should I add some brass gears?

*Lizard!Magnis [OOC]*: I'm envisioning myself being this extremely masculine dragon.
***several days later***
*AEthelwyn [OOC]*: *Is struck by a most disturbing mental image of a dragon with a messy beard and giant pectoral muscles sticking through his scales*


*Dark Heresy*
*Spezzal-Furs*: I come back from a hard day of hunting Eldar on our ship and find that you guys have stolen a tank!

*World Eaters Terminator*: I bet you a skull that our guy wins.
*Mishka*: Deal.

*Mishka*: I feel kind of bad about blowing up his spaceship. He was a nice guy.

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## NRSASD

*Warlock:* Here's the plan. We break into the castle, find Ireena, and rescue her from Strahd. Then we beat the tar out of her til she's almost dead, then use all of our illusion magic to disguise ourselves as her. Add a couple mirror images, and voila, a room full of badly injured Ireenas. Strahd won't risk hurting her, so we can all just walk out!
*DM:* Wait, say that plan again?

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## Recherché

Cleric: These are undead puppies, they are not the cute puppies. They are bad dogs.
Paladin: All dogs are good dogs.

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## Rater202

*Sarah:* "...So... Either we're in the matrix or we've stumbled into some kind of radically different parallel reality? ...Are we going to have to murder a tyrannical God-King? Please tell me that we are because I've had the weirdest urge to murder an overpowered jackass on an ego trip for a while now."

*Koutarou:* "I wouldn't be so quick to assume there's an overpowered jackass behind this. Or that if there is, that we can win. I also have no idea what this "Matrix" you refer to is."

*Sarah:* "...A shared dream of a false reality controlled by a person on the outside, which can be recognized by things that don't make sense. Like seeing a dozen identical snowflakes."

Much, _much_ later.

*Sarah:* "...Me not dumb. You do bad to me, then you dumb. Me eat you and puke you back up just to make you hurt. Agree or no... dice? Head hurt, hungry, not brain well."

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## Imbalance

Myrmidon, disgraced town guard turned hardened fighter:  So, how does Selûne feel about gambling?  Sinful/not sinful?
Azora, professed moon-worshipper:  Why?  Thinking about confessing your sins?
Myrmidon:  No.  But there's no point converting if they don't allow fun.

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## Rater202

"Look, unless you know how to sneak into a sanctuary or why an American girl without a drop of non-white blood has a Japanese-named sword spirit, I ain't got no business with you."

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## DigoDragon

*Charity*: "You're my favorite dad."
*Doc*: "Uh, I'm your only dad."
*Charity*: "And that made picking favorites easy."

*Charity*: "Brushing my teeth made me think of all the times I threw up yesterday."
*Doc*: "It reminded you of throwing up?"
*Charity*: "No, just the brushing teeth part did."

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## Guizonde

dm: badgers aren't projectiles!
kami: they are if you've got my strength score!

free: anything is lunch if you're brave enough.
korinn: crazy enough, more like.
josé: jury's out on that one in our case.

dm: josé! what did i say about teabagging demons?!
josé: no more than my attacks this round?

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## hotflungwok

While looking at minis on the table:
"Oh my good, look at the butt on this ogre!  Did you paint the buttcrack or did it come with it?"
"Look at this one, his ass looks sculpted."

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## Rater202

"And let's face it, do you want Hell under the control of a borderline edgelord teenager?"

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## DigoDragon

*Charity*: "Oatmeal raisin cookies are the Dark Souls mimics of cookies."

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## NRSASD

*Newly-infected Wereraven Warlock:* Is that how lycanthropy is spread? I thought it was through bites.... oh...
*Warlock's Wereraven boyfriend:* *looks at floor, blushes in embarassment*
*Monk:* We left you alone for one night! ONE NIGHT
*Cleric:* At least it wasn't chlamydia 

*
Ranger:* So in the first corner we have Team Bird, with a kenku ranger, a newly-infected Wereraven Warlock, and her Wereraven boyfriend. 
*Cleric:* Then we have Team Elf, with our full elf cleric and the two half-elves.
*Paladin:* The Agents Keeblar?
*Monk:* NO
*Other Paladin:* And finally, we have Team Cat, with our Tabaxi druid, our paladin who thinks she's a cat, and an actual Sabre-tooth Tiger.
*DM:* So you're... what? BCE?
*Cleric:* Nah. Varying degrees of people

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## malachi

This is over a couple of sessions.

*Vocalae*: Can you cast prestitididigate on me to clean my clothes?
*Vorn*: Not until you can pronounce the word correctly.
*Vocala*: Prestigate? Presditidigate? [several more tries] Prestidigitate?
*Vorn*: *casts the spell*

*Nacris, OOC*: I pity the poor stonemason when all the guards start checking the insides of rocks for drugs.

*Vocala*: Don't worry, it's clean
*Vorn*: Says the woman who slept cuddling a rat!
*Vocala*: I didn't know he was there, and I discarded him afterwards.
*Vorn*: Oh, so you just use men until they're not useful for you anymore.

*NPC Werebear*: The rest of the were-animals don't really like non-were-animals, so they're getting pretty antsy at your presence. You should probably leave.
*Nacris*: That's okay, Vorn's racist too.
*Vorn*: Exactly how is telling them that supposed to help?

*Nacris*: Why are you still breathing?
*Vocala*: Oh, right. Thanks! I should stop now.

*Vocala*: I leveled up, so I'm going to learn pres-[mumble]-gate!
*DM*: You can't cast it until you can pronounce it correctly.
*Vocala*: [continues struggling]
*Queen, who's player is a non-native english speaker who has never played the game before*: You mean prestidigitation?
*DM*: Queen, you now know the Prestidigitation cantrip. Despite playing a Ranger.

*Vocala*: Since it's been a few days, I'm down to 5 pocket sausages.

*Vorn*: Just so you know, the city we're just about to enter is extremely strict about magic use. Do not, under any circumstances, cast any spell. Not even a cantrip.
*Five minutes pass*
*Nacris*: Vocala, I'm not going to let you go off and talk to a smuggler in prison by yourself. We can't deal with you getting arrested.
*Vocala*: You can trust me!
*DM*: Vocala, you feel something hit your hair.
*Vocala*: I cast pres-
*Nacris*: NO!

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## Yoachuallathui

> Player 1 - "I'll cast speak with animals to wingman the bull with one of the cows."
> 
> __________________
> 
> Player 1 - "Why did I let you two go off on your own?"
> 
> Me - "You had to get back to wingman for the bull..."
> 
> __________________
> ...


Same player:
"Darn it, i shouldn't have fed all the stun guns to cats!"

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## Rater202

Sarah suddenly has memories of being an ordinary pig, then a _really_ hungry pig, then being butchered and accidentally fed to a human girl.

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## NRSASD

Paladin, clutched in the talons of a hungry Roc flying into the sunset: "It's ok bard! We're going on an adventure together!"
Wereraven bard, also clutched in the talons of a hungry Roc flying into the sunset: *screams in terror*

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## TheYell

GM:  You know this urchin is the son of the town drunkard.  He's beloved by all the shopkeepers in the market.  They would all adopt him in a heartbeat if anything happened to his dad.

STRIX:  Is he human?

GM:...yes

STRIX: M'kay then

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## VelociRapture12

You notice with absolute clarity that the wall is moving. You can see each section move and writhe about seeming to call to you, and as you do you feel a presence watching from afar. Roll a will save.

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## Guizonde

malax mendez: "i seductively play with my abacus."

even with context, it makes no sense. hell, it's been 7 hours and i still can't figure it out.

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## TheYell

MONK:  Screw rescuing the dwarves! We're in it to kill goblins! No goblin lives matter!

WIZARD: Cast Charm Person.
SAMURAI: Did you do that out loud?
DM: I didn't see a Stealth check.
SAMURAI: <slaps self>
DM: Hey Monk, does an 18 hit you?


DM: He's charmed but you still have to persuade him to let you tie him up.
SORCERER: I'm a changeling with 20 CHA, I get naked and say "Hey, let's get tied up!"
MALE PLAYERS: Bwahahaha!
FEMALE PLAYERS: ...


HUNTER: I'm still in the woods looking for my animal companion.
RANGER: I'm with him, I hold up a badger.  "Is this it? Hurry it's spraying"
HUNTER: Speak With Animals, I hear the badger cursing him.

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## Gallade

""Get a fully paid study trip to Numeria, Ansem", they said. "It will be fun, it will be educational."
They said NOTHING about deflating deadly abscesses inside an alien leviathan's colon!"

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## VelociRapture12

*So wait did I... Did I just accidently my soul a sword?

Same Session Same Character just much later

**Wait, how can I owe money if I don't officially exist?

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## somethingrandom

Truancy is punished by navel combat?

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## Casimir-Ivanova

*vigilantes bursting into an illegal porn shoot*
Bionic Commando: *levelling his assault rifle* Hey guys, sorry, there's been a change of scheduling, we're shooting an action movie today.
 *Wins his presence attack*

Bionic Commando: *On his cousin's luck* Some people have the luck of the Irish. The luck of the Irish wishes it was her.

Panacea: I check to see if (NPC) is dead before I attempt to empathic heal him.
DM: That's a good idea, you probably don't want to try finding out whether taking half a death is healthy. At least on an NPC.

Panacea: A forgettable man gave me a non-existent letter to give to an invisible woman. Is Milliways open at this time of night?

NPC: I challenge (lucky Irish PC) to a drinking contest.
Frag: I accept.
Panacea: I'll get the stomach pump fired up.

*using hit location chart*
Frag- Where's 13?
Me- *without looking* Groin. 
Surge: You WOULD know, you've hit nothing but so far.

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## Guizonde

> *using hit location chart*
> Frag- Where's 13?
> Me- *without looking* Groin. 
> Surge: You WOULD know, you've hit nothing but so far.


the real critical hit. also,

kami: right, i'm off stomping demons! josé, you comin'?
korinn: it's been a while since he's been kicked in the kiwis, hasn't it?
dm: i blame poor rolls.

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## DigoDragon

Doc: "She cheated, she has floatation devices."
Mirror: "They're huge tracts of land, hon. Get it right."

Charity: "It's useful both for dinner and murder."

Doc: "I think George Washington is making moves on the cleric."
GM: "George had his horse shot out from under him 6 times. He was buddy up with a healer somewhere."

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## gmoyes

Player 1: (missing mother backstory and just had most of the rest of his family killed by demons) That's my goal right now. I'm gonna find my mother and I'm gonna kill em'!
GM: You're going to kill your mother?
Player 1: Wait, no!
Player 2: Man, losing your father has driven you to matricide?
Player 3: You've got your little sister figure on your back, if you want to finish off your family you might as well start young.
Player 1: *dies laughing*
Player 3: Periods are important people.

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## Durandu Ran

My party ended up taking a ferry up a river in our latest session and we ran into a river ogre or similar creature that attacked it. The wizard cast a spell that created grappling tentacles in a 20-foot radius around the ogre, and rolled 20 on the combat maneuver check, which grappled the ogre successfully, but also made it difficult to get within 20 foot of the ogre for the next seven rounds. As a paladin who typically is a frontline melee fighter, I spent the next three rounds casting all my prepared spells, and waiting for an opening. When one didnt show up by round four, I used my only ranged attack option: I threw a chakram.

Me: [rolls a 4] I throw a frisbee into the river. End of turn.

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## sofianeo

Its my great pleasure to visit your blog and to enjoy your great posts here. I like it a lot. I can feel that you paid much attention for those articles, as all of them make sense and are very useful.

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## Imbalance

*makes WIS save*
"That is NOT Liberace!"

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## malachi

> Truancy is punished by navel combat?


*imagines two people putting putting tiny daggers into belly buttons and fencing with them*



Nacris: "You're selling your body to my sister?"
Vocala: "I _really_ want that magic item."
Vorn: "What do you expect? She slept with a rat!"


Vocala: "I take Nacris' sister and head to the kitchens."
Nacris: "No sausages!"


NPC: *casts disintegrate*
Vorn: *turns to dust*
...
Vorn's player: "My next character: Rhaul Dustborn!"


Nacris: "We found some disturbing things in my brother's room."
Lia, Nacris' sister (NPC): *casually looks up from book* "Do you mean the headless corpse or the magical portal?" *goes back to reading*

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## Lord Torath

> Player 3: Periods are important people.


Commas are important, too!   :Small Amused:

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## Avista

Me: *Reading handbook* Hey. What counts as a 'tiny' creature?
DM: Anything that ranges from an insect to a household cat.
Me: ...So. I can make my spider familiar the size of a cat.
DM: *long pause* Yes.

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## Gallade

"You choose which asses deserve saving, and which ones deserve whooping. Being a hero is all about judging asses."

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## Guizonde

> "You choose which asses deserve saving, and which ones deserve whooping. Being a hero is all about judging asses."


sig worthy quote, right there! i can't one up you, but here's some of mine.

kami: i'm bored.
josé: i can think of something.
dm: how about you two don't destroy my plot? it's korinn's turn.
josé: i'm out of ideas.

grimm: so, does it count as assault or as a high-speed appetizer?
korinn: assault. definitely assault. at least until i make him a potato gun.

kami: kowabunga! *nat 1*
kami: kowabung-OW!

korinn: see? this is why i only reroll your fails in emergencies. running butt-naked into hell is not the dices' fault, you lemming!

grimm: *throws josé's big ol' bag of potatoes* how is it still so heavy after all it's been through?!
dm: neither josé or i keep track of its ammo. 
grimm: _ammo?!_

josé: does that mean i created an enchanted object? without feats?
korinn: i'm very, very, very jealous.

grimm: josé solved world hunger through shenanigans. i don't know if i hate him or love him.
josé: don't worry, grimm. i'm still chaotic neutral.
grimm: don't remind me. 

free: *exists*
korinn: he's so totally the virgin sacrifice we'll eventually need.

ooc on when we'll play again:

dm: my rest day is wednesday.
josé: is it really a rest day if there's a session with us?
dm:... point.

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## malachi

Vorn's player, OOC: "I've been poofed by an ass!"

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## Casimir-Ivanova

> the real critical hit. also,
> 
> kami: right, i'm off stomping demons! josé, you comin'?
> korinn: it's been a while since he's been kicked in the kiwis, hasn't it?
> dm: i blame poor rolls.


To put the spuds in perspective, if you get a head shot (3,4,5 on 3 dice) you do 2x body and 5x stun on what you roll. Groin is 1.5x and 4x. It is the only location apart from the head that says "hi, direct hit, have more body." and a 13 on 3 dice is considerably more achievable.

To the point my vigilante doctor has hit there 3 times out of 7 with rubber rounds. 

Also, continuing the theme, back when I was a kid, I played D and D as a halfling with throwing spears, and took on a bunch of gnoll swordsmen and archers. I performed a combat roll under one of the swordsmen, and after succeeding, this took place.
DM: Roll a D20.
Me: Again?
DM: Yep.
Me:*rolls* Uhhh, 16.
DM: *hands me a d8* Roll this.
ME: *rolls* 4.
DM: Well, the THROWING SPEARS STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK don't kill the gnoll, but he certainly doesn't enjoy it.

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## Phhase

Proud to receive and share my first worthy quote:

(Battered goblin sentry crests cliff for the third time, ablaze with lime-white radiance)
Barbarian: Is this goblin the Terminator!?

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## TheYell

SUMMONER: I attack it for 19 damage.
BARD: Did you two-hand it?
SUMMONER: It's a giant floating hand of force.
SORCERER: You could do a Vulcan two-fisted hammer blow.
SUMMONER: hmmm

SAMURAI (ooc): You're a gnome, if you reduce yourself to Tiny you can carry yourself around with Mage Hand.
DM: Unless the DM isn't a nitwit.

SAMURAI: I wanna learn Goblin! That'll be my other language!
DM: You don't learn a language in battle!
BARD: Yeah when you alter your character sheet, you don't tell the DM.
RANGER: Yeah you just remember you always spoke Goblin.
DM: Hey! Don't teach him that stuff!

DM: So you don't want to try to swim across?
SORCERER: I have 8 STR, no points in Swim and 0 in Acrobatics. I'd just drown with the others.
DM: OK so you stand and watch them drown.
SORCERER: Um, Dancing Lights, 120 feet up, vaguely humanoid figure writhing as if drowning

SORCERER: Sorry guys, that river looked too yucky to swim in
WIZARD: It happens, I guess

WIZARD: We'll run to catch up.
DM: Run? Gimme a Fort save
SORCERER: Nat 20, plus 1
DM: You effortlessly jog for a half an hour.
WIZARD: 16.
DM: You run without penalty.
SORCERER: I call cadence!

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## Recherché

"Forgive me Desna for I have sinned and nearly led an entire village into a cannabalistic orgy"
"First of all Desna doesn't do confessions. Second, you did* what*?!"

"10/10 Would snuggle the undead again."

Barbarian: "I roll to bite the door."
GM: -meaningful silence-
Paladin: "We're not that good at door as a group."
Cleric: "Can we kill the door with holy fire."
GM: "Did you guys forget that you have a key."
All: "Yes", We have a key?" 'Can we bash open the lock instead." "Who has a key?"

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## Necroticplague

"Well, of all our prospective medics, she's the one who lost her license for reasons that least have to do with being a bad doctor."

"AG: That's what I'm trying to figure out! I was punching rocks to establish chronology, when suddenly the cave, a river, and the fire appeared. And then the lass walked out, apparently having had their bacon saved by whatever I did.
AG: So, I was mostly checking to see if that status was from things you did, or from things you were going to have to have done."

"Your porquise, your decisions. I'm just the achronal semigoddess tagging along for the ride."

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## Guizonde

free: wait, hold up. there's a plot?!

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## DigoDragon

Doc: "You might as well try Keto. You got nothing to gain."

Mirror: "It's spin the bottle. With beastiality."
Doc: "But they're all rats."
Mirror: "Their occupation is not important."

Rat warrior: "Rawr!"
Mirror: *crits twice on a double strike*
Rat warrior: "... squeak."

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## Imbalance

"Ready for this?  I've been practicing..."

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## TheYell

SAMURAI: If you had a saber, and cast light on it...
SORCERER: Getting Instant Weapon and Quickened Spell later and totally going for it.
SAMURAI: Need Prestidigitation to alter the color.
DM: ...


SORCERER: "A helpless character is paralyzed, HELD, bound, sleeping, unconscious or otherwise completely at an opponent's mercy".  She's held by a bear and a gnome.
DM: She's not totally without action though.
SORCERER: It says "held".
DM: Yeah but coup de grace is death not beaten unconscious.
SUMMONER: Can't get more held than grappled by a hunter, bear and a gnome.
BARD: Dogpile on the goblin!

*FORTY MINUTES LATER*
BARD: I cast channel energy and heal everything within 30 feet.
DM: I need you to pick who you heal, there's got to be a limit on how many you can do.
BARD: No limit, it's just everybody in range.
SUMMONER: That's true.
DM: Really? Your prisoner starts thrashing and cursing again.
WHOLE TABLE: NOOO


SUMMONER: Excess nonlethal damage translates as lethal.
DM: Really? OK you notice the goblin is totally limp...
WHOLE TABLE: NOOOO


SAMURAI: Look here, you try to pocket all the gold and then demand a percentage of a reward for a fight you weren't even involved in?
MONK:  I got the gold, so screw it, I'll keep it if you won't divvy!
SUMMONER: Sounds like an alignment issue.
SORCERER: He's being systematic about it though, so, I say it's not chaotic robbery.
DM: Hmm organized robbery is lawful...


DM: You find a masterwork longbow and twenty arrows.
RANGER: Mine!
DM: You also find a masterwork dogslicer and a studded leather armor.  On the goblins you find 36 gold, six shortswords, some broken gems, six leather armors and six shortbows.
SORCERER: Anybody writing this down?
DM: Nobody is writing anything apparently. You also found...
SORCERER: Wait wait wait!
DM: Sorry, nope.  You also found...

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## HalfTangible

Did a fun bit of role-playing at Comicpalooza.

Lita: "While Reta [my twin sister] was being cooked alive, I traded my shiny mirror for a bomb."

Lita: "While we're talking to the cheiftain, I get out a rat and start digging my thumb into its head."
DM: "Oh no, not the rat." She pulls out a bigger rat.
Lita: "... I pull out a squirrel!"
DM: She pulls out a honey badger!
Lita: "... urgh, I know I have a puppy in here somewhere..."

Foo: "I cast firebolt on the house."
Lita: "... why didn't you say you could do that before I used one of my fire arrows?!"

Lita: "THAT KILL COUNTS AS MINE!"

>Lita does down in combat
Reta: "Ha! Reta always knew she was better than you!"
Lita: "... Yeah. So do Lita."
Reta OOC: "oh my god that's so tragic"

Lita: I take a swig of my human perfume.

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## DigoDragon

*_busts into the room_*
*Charity*: "Heeeeere's Johnny!"
*Mirror*: "Who's Johnny?"
*Doc*: "She says, and smiles in that special way..."

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## DeTess

Fabien Tealeaf, the party cook and generally nice and friendly halfling: DEUS VULT, MOTHER******  *pulls crossbow trigger*

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## TheYell

DM: Is the asp a familiar or animal companion?
SORCERER: No, just a pet.
DM: Ooooh OK the snake goblin is persuading it to switch allegiance.  It rolls a 19!  "Sssss ssseee how they hatesss usss sssnake folk"
SORCERER: That was an order! Attacking the goblins was an order!  Befehl ist befehl!

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## Guizonde

militia van nuked (formerly darole): ah reckon th' new medic is gunna fit right in to this here group.
lucii: why? because he loves money?
belsunce: because he tanked my slap and gave me a good one in return?
militia: nope, he's o-bese. plenny good hidin' behind that lard.
zbeb: _militia's comment unnerved and aroused zbeb at the same time._

malax mendez: don't worry, i've got a briefcase.

louka: today, on "pimp my makita"...
lucii: do mine too!
malax: and add glitter to mine!
louka: ... we've got a crowd!

louka: i stoically s*** my briefs.

dm: ok, so croustor hits the rat-ogre for 12, 16, and 18 wounds with his axe.
louka: bull****! he just fragged a fresh one no sweat!
belsunce: yeah, nobody crits like croustor.
militia: also, don't shake his hand.

zbeb: _zbeb aimed carefully his throwing knife, and summoning the spirit of his ancestors, threw with all his might to..._
*rolls*
_... fail miserably._

malax: *dry heaving* don't eat the bacon. it smells like the dm's socks.

militia: ok, i'm addin' "arson" to the charges we can legit' get out of by bein' badass.

lucii: i'm gonna shoot him with my shotgun! 
*fails*
lucii: screw that, i'm hitting him with my wallet next turn!

belsunce: i clothesline the bookmaker.
lucii: don't kill him!
belsunce: uh, i think he'll live. you don't need both lungs to live, right?

----------


## Telonius

Me: This may be the first time I've ever said this, but ... I'm going to need to borrow a bunch of d12s. 

Me, later: All right, guys. This may be the only time this ever happens for you, so make it count. ::roll::

----------


## D.KnightSpider

"This sounds like a little much for Level 1 characters."
"Oh, that's only the endgame. For now, you're fighting squirrels."

_*Five minutes and a near party-wipe later*_

"Oh, did I not mention those were ninja squirrels?"

----------


## Guizonde

dm: my name is not "uncle mustache"!!

----------


## TheYell

SORCERER: I use my Mind Reader bloodline power.  What is the snake thinking?
DM: Do you have a common language?
SORCERER: ...No
DM: "Hissss"

----------


## Necroticplague

Gene: Is 'back when it had money in it' a valid Temporal Sympathy target?

----------


## weet555

This is unfortunately all i can clearly remember from a session were a nature spirit and a slave from the stars, who had never seen a tree meet.

Cade: "How do i get out off here?"
Answers when needed: "Build a boat and hope your aren't seen"
Cade: "what's a boat?"
A.w.n:...

----------


## DeTess

*Spoiler: Context*
Show

DM internal monologue during session prep: _So the pair of mechs A leaves at T=0 and can cover 80 km per day or night, Mech B leaves a quarter day later and can cover 70 km per day or night and Mech C leaves half a day after B and can cover 80 km per day or night. Mechs A and B move during the day and night, while mech C might not move during the night. All mechs are moving to the same target 200km away. The Mechs A will head back to intercept mech C as soon as Mech B arrives at the target. When and where do the Mechs A intercept mech C when: 
a) it moves only during the day and b) it moves during the day and the night. 
c) for both cases, how long does mech C arrive after Mech B, assuming it survives the encounter with the mechs A
_

DM in group-chat: I hate you all for making me do high school math.

----------


## Guizonde

militia: ah guess that poisonnin' tha population might've'nt been the smartest course of action fer minimizin' civilian casualties.
louka: you think? it only caused 17 deaths, it's the least we've done so far.

----------


## Necroticplague

"Gene, put the silver paint away and back away from the dragon statue. Boredom is no reason to start a holy war."

----------


## TheYell

SORCERER: I'm a courtesan! I'm a professional girlfriend! I should be sitting on pillows drinking wine and playing board games!
SLAYER:  Bet the paladin wished he was deaf now instead of blinded.
PALADIN: Yeah can we retcon that?

SUMMONER: I drag the sorcerer behind the wall and hold my hands over her mouth!
SORCERER: Mmmph!
SUMMONER: Shut up, it's a rescue!
SORCERER: Ok, got any aloe vera? These manacles chafe.
SUMMONER: ...

LESHY: I transform my hands into blades and stab him in the face!
SUMMONER: What are you, the Terminator?
SLAYER: Hasta la vista, Gobby!

SORCERER: Snake, attack the goblin chieftain! COBRAAAAAA!

SORCERER: It's against the Whore's Code to slay prisoners!
PALADIN:  That's just because you don't get paid!

DM: You find a coffer full of gold bars and a dozen precious stones.
SORCERER: The Whore's Code allows for robbing prisoners.
PALADIN: Yeah, payola!

SORCERER: You have violated the Whore's Code! You are no whore to me!
SLAYER: Thanks?

----------


## Guizonde

> SORCERER: I'm a courtesan! I'm a professional girlfriend! I should be sitting on pillows drinking wine and playing board games!


my team found their merchant in the back-room of an arena, playing dice, sipping wine and generally being a poof instead of being a bookie to our gladiator. everyone was amused, except the gladiator who proceeded to shake down the backroom for cash. next time he does that, i'm calling him a professional girlfriend.

----------


## DigoDragon

*Mirror*: "Is it bad that I had my pants on backwards?"
*Charity & Doc*: *_exchange shrugs_*
*Mirror*: "Not sure if worse that you didn't know my pants were on backwards."
*Charity*: "Those were pants?"
*Doc*: "This is why us earth ponies don't wear pants."

----------


## Toric

Bard: "Thomas. Dear. It'll be over soon." OOC: I shove the boy's head underwater and hold it there.

----------


## Imbalance

Ol Crispy:  "I expected honor from you.  Your goddess should be ashamed."

----------


## jintoya

Fighter:
"First the dragon, now a beholder... You can't seduce all the monsters!"

----------


## AdmiralCheez

"Ohhhhhh, a lobotomy! I thought you were talking about breakfast."

----------


## Ornithologist

"I check to see if I have a dozen Sake bottles in my coat." 

Said out of character - "I'm not sure I can sound skeezey enough for this, gimme a sec to drink."

----------


## Guizonde

josé: wait, hold up. kami didn't die or get kicked in the nuts?!
dm: i'll just be over here losing my touch.

----------


## DigoDragon

> "First the dragon, now a beholder... You can't seduce all the monsters!"


Experience says differently.  :Small Big Grin: 


*Doc*: "Freakin' pants were riding up my butt all day."
*Charity*: "You've been giving your pants a free ride?"
*Doc*: "No, it was pay-to-play on this trip."
*Charity*: "You had your wallet in your pants, though."
*Doc*: "Pfft, yeah, and my pants took all the money. They're on their way to Vegas."

----------


## TheYell

SUMMONER: Oh yeah, I have a seven-foot-tall bird-man with me.
CLERIC: That's funny, I didn't notice.
SUMMONER: I forgot to mention it in my description.
DM: It was really dark, you just didn't see it.

BARD: I feed Monkle some stale muffins.  Can I use prestidigitation to make them taste yummy?
DM: Sure! He gobbles up your muffins.
LESHY: -I- feed Monkle some fresh blackberries.
BARD: Can I use prestidigitation to make the blackberries taste bad?

SUMMONER: So, you got your slave.
LESHY: It's not a slave, it's a forced adoption!

LESHY: I give Monkle the cloak of protection.
SORCERER: Imma name this goblin "Frodo" cause he's gifted out with gear.
DM: Monkle name Monkle, not know your Frodo.

DM: What do you want to do today?
SORCERER: Sleep in, maybe some light shopping...

SORCERER: Who had the griffon?
SUMMONER: The samurai, but he's in and out.
SORCERER: Cause we loaded it with our stuff like a mule.
SUMMONER: Oh yeah!
DM: You see a griffon resting on a rooftop.

CLERIC: I spot the goblin. I draw my scimitar and scream "RAID!"
SORCERER: Whoa!
SLAYER: I draw my swords and stand between you and Monkle.
DM: Monkle screams.
BARD: Don't hurt Monkle!
CLERIC: It's a goblin!
BARD: It's not!
CLERIC: I'm looking right at it!
LESHY: It's Monkle!

LESHY: Welcome to the party.
SLAYER: It's an acid trip.
CLERIC: I need another pitcher of ale...

----------


## AdmiralCheez

DM: "The flesh golem rips the butter knife from your hands."
Party: "Get out of there!"
Paladin: "It's my only weapon!"

*surrounded by angry flesh golems*
Paladin: "I told you returning to the scene of the crime was a bad idea, but no one ever listens to me."

----------


## Guizonde

cayden caillean's finest crew stew clusterboo

josé: basically, going into hell is like going into the most metal nightclub ever.
korinn: technically, we're going into the abyss. which is worse.
josé: details, details...

dm: are you going in or what?
josé: did i smoke novikov completely? did he respawn? good. FIRST!

dm: the place smells like sulfur and despair.
grimm: oh lord! it smells like kami!

free: uh, is this your fault, josé?
josé: for once, i'm completely honest when i say it's not my fault.

korinn: we'll forgive you when you're in the retirement home, uncle.

grimm: it's such a weak attack that we demand more.

grimm: i'll never do something refined in this group!
korinn: but you're an ork!
grimm: racist!!

josé: i was a half-elf. i am now a full elf. *clutches groin*

josé's last words: eff you, i'm saving my mom. have at thee, b*tches!

grimm: who the hell are you?!
brutallica: i'm brutallica, daughter of brutalisor, granddaugher of blender the glutton. blow me.
korinn: this won't end well.

grimm: technically, josé killed his mom.
everyone: NOBODY talks about josé's mom.
korinn: even if they're dead?
everyone: especially.

korinn:we don't throw a tomato into the portal!
free: of course we do!

----------


## DigoDragon

*Doc*: "You have all the resistance of a package of Oreos."

*Charity*: "So what happens if I don't come back?"
*Doc*: "Dibs on your pipbuck."
*Charity*: "No, I'm taking my Pokemon collection with me."

*Mirror*: "This is what my dress looks like with the spanx on."
*Doc*: "Spanx, the final frontier."
*GM*: "Do I need to mention anything about boldly going where no pony has gone before?"
*Doc*: "Eh, I've been there."

*GM*: "Make a Gather Info check."
*Mad Max*: *_rolls_* "Ha ha ha!"
*GM*: "Five?"
*Max*: "Three."

*Johnson*: "If you are captured, I will disavow your existence and no help will come for you."
*Doc*: "This Johnson will self-destruct."
*GM*: "If his Johnson self-destructs, then would it be an erec--"
*Mirror*: "Impossible, yes. Let's move on. Celestia Christmas, I need female friends at this table."

*GM*: "So you are plodding along in your truck..."
*Doc*: "Not like we can do anything off the rails."
*Max*: "Our truck is a plod device?"

*Charity*: "I rotate the airship canon and fire on the Enclave truck."
*GM*: "Roll to hit. You have a -6 penalty to use unfamiliar Enclave tech."
*Charity*: *_Roll a Nat 20_*
*GM*: "Wow. Um, okay the truck and the Enclave soldier just... cease to exist. All that's left is the engine block that plops on the ground."
*Max*: "Good grief, where did a filly learn to fire an airship cannon?"
*Mirror*: *_stares at Doc_* "I wonder."
*Doc*:  :Small Cool: 

*GM*: "Make an Intelligence check."
*Doc*: "Twenty in total."
*GM*: "You notice that there's a bulge in Max's pants pocket that wasn't there before."
*Doc*: "... ..." O_o
*Max*: *_snerk_*
*Doc*: "... ..." 6_6
*GM*: *_giggling_*
*Doc*: "... ..." >_>
*Max*: "He's not sure that he wants to bring it up."
*Mirror*: "Uh, phrasing!"
*Charity*: "So, you're not happy to see us, are you?"
*Max*: "Hmm? Oh this? This is a Thermal Detonator."
*Doc*: "Well it's a good thing you didn't go off in the fight."
*Mirror*: "*PHRASING!!*"

*GM*: "Roll to get underway."
*Max*: "Ick, an eleven."
*GM*: "Okay, take off with this airship is really rocky."
*Mirror*: "Did you leave the parking break on?"
*Max*: "No, um... hang on, I'll figure this out..."
*Charity*: "Have you disengaged the external inertial dampener?"
*Max*: *_pushes some buttons, airship starts moving smoothly_* "Right, underway now."

----------


## TheYell

> josé's last words: eff you, i'm saving my mom. have at thee, b*tches!



I read your comments explaining this was a story arc ending.  Epic exit line!

----------


## DeTess

*Wizard:*I go through the motions to cast another ray of frost and...[dice].. apparently this one unexpectedly exist from my other hand and goes nowhere. I don't think I've hit any of those yet this session?
*Paladin:*You're really not that good at this whole 'slinging death and destruction' thing, are you?
*Wizard:*In my defense, I've been trained in the subtle manipulation of our environment and rearranging of reality to tilt the odds in our favor, not blasting things with fireballs.
*DM:**points at the large crater on the battlemap, surrounded by the charred corpses of our enemies*
*Wizard:*That was the result of some very subtle manipulation of five sticks of magical TNT.

----------


## Coventry

*Spoiler: Responses*
Show




> *GM*: "Do I need to mention anything about boldly going where no pony has gone before?"
> *Doc*: "Eh, I've been there."


Living dangerously, there, my friend ...


Only one memorable from our last session:

*Killian*:  You _do_ love me!
*Frighid*:  No.  I just want you to shut up.
*Killian*:  Fair enough.

----------


## Telok

"Lets take the safe route. Man the assault shuttles and charge the plasma cannons."

"Crap. We didn't assign anyone to pilot the ship." "You're going to crash into the asteroid because you forgot to leave anyone at the helm when you grabbed more crew for the guns?" "Shooting is important!"

----------


## Imbalance

Myrmidon, from the corridor:  Firkin, should I try to shoot him in the dark?
Firkin, next to the crumbling skeleton:  No...don't do that.

Party:  Ok, so plan A is we put the barrel up against the rocks of the cave-in, then line up the oil-soaked dead zombies end-to-end.
DM:  Why?
Me:  They're the fuse.

----------


## Guizonde

> I read your comments explaining this was a story arc ending.  Epic exit line!


thank you. also, him blowing up an entire plane was his way of going out with a bang *bah dum tish*. the rest of the team is still very salty about that. despite all the quotes, they actually liked the character!

----------


## malachi

DM, a guy: You see a man with a chiselled body, with finely bronzed skin, *description continues*
Ragar, DM's brother, OOC: Why are you better at describing hot men than hot women?

Vocala: I'm not sure how to feel about that. Disappointed because he's not interested in me, or happy because he's not going to sell me for parts.

Chiselled guy: Do you even know how baby [Vocala's race] are made?
Vocala: Yes. Of course I do. But Takei doesn't, could you explain it to him?

Chiselled guy: That's not tea.
Zhang: You can make tea out of anything!

Vocala, the the chiselled guy: When you wipe my memory, can you leave some memory of you? But without the whole cutting-people-up-and-selling-them part.

----------


## TheYell

SLAYER: Zombie eyes are like raisins!


CLERIC: Knowledge Planes, 18.
GM: You know this is a fetchling, a slave to shadow dragons.
CLERIC: I say a quiet prayer to Sarenrae because this party is beyond weird.
SLAYER: Hey!


ALFIE 2.1: My eidolon is Alfie 3.1.
GM: Wasn't it 3.0?
ALFIE 2.1: Technically, he died once.
SORCERER: Have you lost count?


LESHY:  ...and that's why I get 2 natural attacks per round.
SLAYER: "Hey, I have two hands!"
GM: You had one hand behind your back to make it easy, but now its on!


BARD: I offer Monkle 20 gold to learn Common.
LESHY: Monkle doesn't need your learning!
GM: Monkle looks at you, looks at the leshy, looks at you, looks at his dogslicer, looks at Leshy...


GM: What method do you teach Monkle with?
SLAYER: Teach him the Path of Pain!
LESHY: He hits him if he mispronounces words.
GM: Monkle think it not much different than tribe.


GM: Perception checks.
SORCERER: I got a 1, I don't notice anything.  I talk to my snake.
CLERIC: 24. I shout "By Sarenrae" and charge forward!
SORCERER: I don't notice that either, I offer my snake a fresh chicken if she's quiet all day.

----------


## Guizonde

lucii: i don't think i'm ostentatious enough.
dm: you're litterally hitting with your money. hell, you've killed 3 people with your wallet alone!
lucii: if i was more ostentatious, i'd've killed 5.
militia ooc: oh yeah, he's gonna fit right in with this universe.

----------


## DigoDragon

*Johnson*: "Please get yourselves and that Enclave ship to me in one piece. Though not necessarily in that order."

*GM*: "Do you want the airship stats?"
*Mad Max*: "Sure."
*Doc*: "36. 24. 36."
*GM*: "Not that kind of ship."

*Johnson*: "We don't work with the more less reputable companies."

*GM*: "You all get 150 experience points."
*Doc*: "So I am at 260 total."
*Max*: "I'm at 255. Where'd you get the extra 5 from?"
*GM*: "He told a funnier joke last session. I wasn't expecting him to rip one out like that."
*Doc*: "Normally I'm just known for ripping out pony farts."
*GM*: "Yeah, story of my life."
*Doc*: "The story of farts?"
*Max*: "He has an air about him."
*GM*: "Ugh..."
*Doc*: "He'd like to pass on this topic."
*GM*: "Hate you all."
*Doc*: "So you're saying though shall not pass?"
*Max*: "That would be constipation."
*Mirror*: "What did I walk in on?"

*GM*: "Your sensors are picking up up a beacon. It's coming up on you very fast."
*Max*: "I increase speed towards it."
*_sound of something THUD against the ship hull_*
*GM*: "The beacon is now growing fainter in the distance..."

*GM*: "You hear a muffled explosion, followed by a rope ladder unrolling."
*Max*: "That's the easiest thing I've done so far."

*Charity*: "He lubed up your brain for you."

*GM*: "For its age, this is still a very sophisticated computer."
*Doc*: "Monocle, hat, and everything."
*Max*: "Okay, Dr. Peanut."

*GM*: "You fill the computer with terrible resolve."
*Mirror*: "Carpet cleaner?"

*Doc*: "I touch the door with my quarterstaff."
*GM*: "What's your staff made of?"
*Doc*: "Um... a stick?"
*GM*: (*_rolls dice_*) "Okay, it's metal. You are thrown back with the force of a heavy electrical field."
*Doc*: "Owww, coff coff..."
*Max*: "Are you alright?"
*Charity*: "Just had a shocking development here."
*Max*: "With the door?"
*Doc*: "It's electric. ...boogie woogie woogie."

*Max*: "Scotty, we need warp drive in one minute or we're all dead."
*Mirror*: "I refuse to be Scotty in this."
*Charity*: "I refuse to be _Spock_ in this."

*Johnson*: "How many bodies did you leave behind to get this ship?"
*Max*: "None."
*Doc*: "Two dozen."
*Mirror*: "Technically, they are both correct."

----------


## Coventry

*Milah*:  I want to hear a helium Frighid!
*Frighid*: (_glares_)

*Ganthur*:  People, the path is a trap!
*Marvin*:  And?
*Symeon*:  And how do we normally deal with traps?
*Ganthur*:  We send Killian in.
_...meanwhile..._
*Killian-OOC*: Can I see the path?
*DM*:  A blind, deaf mute could see it.
*Killian-OOC*: I charge down the middle

*Killian-OOC*: Actually, Killian would love to see himself get killed

*Ganthur*: Question ... why are we _walking_?
*Symeon*: (_raises finger to explain, pauses_)

*Killian*: Oh good, nobody saw that

*Killian*: This was broken when I got here

*Ganthur*: Has this tree been in the middle of camp the whole time?
*Disguised Nymph*:  Yes, it has
*Ganthur*:  Okay (we all know that trees don't lie).

*Symeon*: That would require access to maps I don't have on me.  Possibly maps held in the vaults of old kingdoms.  Very old kingdoms.  The kind that might not be willing to let us in.
*Ganthur*: That hasn't stopped us before.
*Symeon*: I'm in.

*Killian*: I am fighting the desire to fight ... and I'm losing!

*Killian*: Aww, my toys broke.

----------


## PastorofMuppets

*For the sake of all of our minds, no the Druid cannot now or ever wildshape into the dreaded Candiru.  Also no one is allowed to ask what the next part of that plan was.

** Giant and/or dire parasites are not allowed to exist either, no ticks or mosquitoes or tape worms or any of that

*saving my own locks in order to prevent caged animals from being able to help our enemies fight us is clever but not going to work a second time.

** killing those guard drakes while locked in their cages is not going to be worth much xp 

***

----------


## DeTess

*Officer:*Glad you people have arrived. The suspect is holed up in that building over there, together with some kind of hellhound.
*Christina:* Hellhound? Small creature, could have been a lap-dog, but on fire?
*Officer:*...How'd you even...
*Clide:* Yeah, we'd been wondering where that one had gotten to.

----------


## Lord Torath

> *For the sake of all of our minds, no the Druid cannot now or ever wildshape into the dreaded Candiru.  Also no one is allowed to ask what the next part of that plan was.
> 
> ** Giant and/or dire parasites are not allowed to exist either, no ticks or mosquitoes or tape worms or any of that
> 
> *saving my own locks in order to prevent caged animals from being able to help our enemies fight us is clever but not going to work a second time.
> 
> ** killing those guard drakes while locked in their cages is not going to be worth much xp 
> 
> ***


Were you looking for the "Things I May No Longer Do While Playing" thread?

----------


## TheYell

SORCERER: I send in the snake.  "You have chosen the path of pain! Feast upon his flesh."  Do we need to roll DEX for a snake entering _grease_?


SORCERER: And I need a third DC Fortitude 15 save against CON damage, cause that poison goes for six rounds.
LESHY: Jeez!
DM: We don't need to bother...


DM:  He tells you, "This lock has 73,000 possible combinations." Do you want to try it?
SORCERER: Can I take 10?


BARD: I ask Monkle how the Common is going.
LESHY: Monkle don't need your Common!
SUMMONER: Aren't you ashamed to enslave a goblin?
LESHY: He's not a slave! He's a forced adoption!
SUMMONER: Someday he's gonna want to leave!
LESHY: No! And maybe I go with him!


SUMMONER: Send the birds ahead. Double Movement.
DM: That's 160 feet.
SUMMONER: "C'mon posse!"


LESHY: What's your alignment?
BARD: Do we get that?
WITCH/ROGUE:  I have a blank space...
DM: I don't allow evil. Except maybe Lawful Evil because they can work with other alignments with their own skew.
WITCH/ROGUE: Chaotic Edgy?


WITCH/ROGUE: When I stab I want to do like a prison shrug like it didn't happen.
LESHY: "How'd that happen?"
BARD: "It's a healing shiv, wait for it!"

----------


## uraniumdragon

"French-Canadian drop bears! As you walk through the sugar maple groves, all unsuspecting..."

_later_ "I've been wondering what those would really be. Black bears, because Quebec? Small moose, because Canada?...wait...WOLVERINES!"

_even later_ "Maybe the bear is the one playing poker. What's a demonic bear's tells? Sure, its stitches are constantly unraveling and reforming and its eyes are glowing red, but which one of those means it's got a good hand? YOU don't know."




"She's wearing a battle bikini. Where does she even keep that sword? No scabbard."

"It's a living blade, right? Maybe it wraps around her leg like a snake."

"No, around her head, and the end sticks out like this, like the most horrifying unicorn ever."

"I like to go for the visceral horror myself--she just slits open her torso and pulls it out from there, spraying blood."

"So that whole thing about teaching them fear is actually the sword telling you about all this?"

"'I've seen things, man, you don't even know!'"




"Ve put our triggers on der veapons, vere dey belonk!"

----------


## DigoDragon

> *Spoiler: Responses*
> Show
> 
> Living dangerously, there, my friend ...


Yeah, Doc's comments get him into so much trouble. :3


*Doc*: "The radio DJ said 'dad-bods' are the thing now."
*Mirror*: "Hon, your dad-bod was always a thing to me."
*Doc*: "Yay, I was sexy before I cool. ...wait."

*Max*: "My brain hates my eyes for seeing this."

*Doc*: "So we need a mission that goes badly, one of our generic NPCs die, and then he's replaced by a sassy kirin pirate mare."
*GM*: "You write _way_ too many fanfics."

*Doc*: "Since we're traveling, we could stop someplace remote to research this safely."
*Max*: "I don't know where'd you find books on this outside the cities, you know?"
*Doc*: "Well no, you know I don't know."
*Max*: "Yes, I know you don't know.

*GM*: "Are you going to give the droid a designation?"
*Max*: "Um... H2-SO4."
*Charity*: "Great until it melts through the floor."
*Max*: "That would be ionic."
*GM*: "Ugh..."
*Doc*: "We're all about the base jokes here."

*Mirror*: "I saw it on an old black-and-white TV."
*GM*: "Was your bed vibrating at the time?"

*Doc*: "Remind me of the job we're doing."
*Max*: "We're picking up a guy--"
*GM*: "A mare."
*Max*: "--gal, and taking her to meet some miners at a steel plant."
*Doc*: "Huh. They don't look all that young."
*Max*: "_Miners_, you idiot! Not minors."

*GM*: "Must I be the butt of your jokes?"
*Max*: "Well I am feeling cheeky this session."

*Pirate mare*: "Might I use your radio?"
*Doc*: "Knock your socks off."
*Max*: "Oh yes. _Please_ do."

*GM*: "Shoot first and ask questions later?"
*Max*: "I can ask questions _while_ I'm shooting them."

*Mirror*: "They do exist and they brought us yellow sno-cones."
*Charity*: "It's lemon, honest."

----------


## D.KnightSpider

GM: AND A CRIT ON THE SENSOR!
Love: "New reality? Adapted. This is my home now! This isn't my first reality rodeo!"
Longshot: "You can't deny Love. She will find a way to make herself at home and she will find a way to make herself your friend. _WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT_."


Love: "Am I the bad guy?"


Longshot: "Love is... what happens if you throw the Borg and Fluttershy in a blender and hit 'paladin'."
GM: *mimicking Love* "You're going to LOVE MEEE!!"
Love: "I'm not like that."
Longshot: *looks at Love flooding the ship with drones while firing stun shots at zombies*


Love: "Turns may no longer be measured in seconds! My ability to exactly measure seconds is wrapped!" 


Longshot: "So what you're saying is... At some point Pinkie Pie fundamentally warped reality in some fashion so that time occasionally hiccups whereby friends can carry on conversations and smoothly enjoy interactions without interruption?" 


GM: "Yes. Definitely." 
Longshot: *will not question this*


GM: "So it may be trying to toss a frisbee your way."
Longshot: "These extreme sports are getting out of control."


Longshot: "I wouldn't touch it until you know for sure it's safe."
Love: "I'm not sure it'll ever be safe, but it might be a way if there is a Will."
Longshot: "There's already the possibility that LS is 'infected', we don't need another one of us under watch."
Love: "Technically, Longshot is wearing Sealed armor, but who knows with this stuff."
Longshot: "I don't, that's for certain." 


Rem:  "Hmm. New material."

----------


## malachi

*Vocala*: Do vampires poop?

*Ithelwyn*: *drops a die* That wasn't a roll! *beat* Can I keep it?

*Vocala*: You suck butts, and you smell like you suck butts!
*Barbarian*: *dies*

*Vocala*: It's my sexy mom's turn.
*Ronyn*: So _that's_ which way you swing.

*Ithelwyn*: Oh no! Right in the hummus!

*Vocala*: Rosa Parks is the most irritating person to fight! She just won't go to the back.

*Vocala*: They didn't have pron in the 17th century.

*GM*: They're being influenced by your magic.
*Vocala*: No they're not. They don't even realize its magic!

----------


## Guizonde

> *Vocala*: They didn't have pron in the 17th century.


yes they did, it was just classier and engraved. also illegal. 

also, this little ooc gem: 

me: get drunk in your underwear without washing for 3 days, then mosh pit in your living room in front of the scenic arts channel.

*Spoiler: dreaded context*
Show

how to sum up a festival experience to a neophyte.

----------


## malachi

> yes they did, it was just classier and engraved. also illegal.


That's ok, the player was _slightly_ intoxicated at the time, so I'll let the inaccuracy pass. :D

----------


## Guizonde

> That's ok, the player was _slightly_ intoxicated at the time. :D


what a coincidence! so were 17th century pron engravers!

no seriously, just look at what they were drawing. they were on some strong what-the-stuff. and people say art history is useless... it's good for a laugh and a half!

----------


## Bzbody

Wanted to share some of the quotes from my campaigns:

"I just have one question for you..." 
*chik-chik*  
"Are you evil?"

"I don't know what blast discs are but they sound like explosive Frisbees, so I'm all for it!"

DM: "So we only can give you 5 blast disks-"
*PC1 grabs disk and throws it*
PC1: "Now its 4!"

"You're getting my zip-line confused with the plot"

"Why do all of your plans involve us going to jail!?"

"Why would I want to think? I just want to shoot things!"
"Says the paladin!"

"We figured out what kind of terrorist we are.  9/11 is out but Kennedy assassination is alright"

To DM: "You thought you were going to kill us.  Turns out were going to kill us ourselves"

"Congratulations, you've graduated to Saturday morning cartoon show villains"

"Spend 5 minutes searching around on the floor for it, then when I get up and am just about to say **** it when I step on it"

"Why are we heroes?"
"We finally crashed the right airship"
"It was inevitable, just process of elimination really"

----------


## TheYell

DM:  As a plant, it's intrigued by you and thinks you might not be food.
SUMMONER: Not another pet!
LESHY: No, I swear!
SORCERER: What's its name?
LESHY:...Fiji!
SUMMONER: <groan>


LESHY: All right, it's violent, I'll attack it!
SORCERER: Noooo!
LESHY: Fiji I loved you! But you're going down!
SORCERER: You were supposed to be the chosen one!


SORCERER: This thing was a giant mushroom? Is it tasty?
SUMMONER: You're not putting that in your mouth, no.


DM: An eidolon is not a slave. Technically, I could have him say, "You know, we're not doing that today"
SORCERER: You know what? Running into three traps on purpose would have been a good time for that.
SUMMONER: Heh.


LESHY: (after five minutes of argument that a magical creature's natural attacks are automatically magic) It says explicitly, at level three, my attacks are considered magic for the purposes of DR.
TABLE: YOU ARE LEVEL THREE! WE TOLD YOU THAT LAST WEEK!
LESHY: No!
TABLE: Yes!
LESHY: Oh well then, I can hit em now then.

----------


## SleepyShadow

These are listed in no particular order beyond when I remembered them.

***

"Can I keep the skeleton wheel?"

"I just made 36,000 glass bottles. I'm basically king."

"No taking children to the Feywild!"

"When did we start playing Star Wars?"

"How is it not breaking the economy when the druid has 110,000 platinum?"

"Just what we need. More #1 bullcrap."

"Bite the werewolf on the ear to show dominance!"

"The wizard won't shut up about tanking a helicopter crash."

"I put gold dust in my beer."

"Am I the only one who doesn't have a tragic backstory?"

"64,000 acres! A penny an acre! Such value!"

"I thought you said your brain was made of cabbage. Now it's oatmeal?"

"The Shadowfell is powered by Evanescence songs."

"It's really hard playing Chaotic Neutral while sober."

"Whoo! We hit level nine! The party no longer needs me!"

"She turned our chuck wagon into Optimus Prime."

"It always worries me when you have to buy more miniatures mid-session."

----------


## Inevitability

"I go to investigate this disturbance in an orderly and legal manner."

"There's giant bloody wolf paw prints, eviscerated corpses, a magical silver arrow, and to top it all off it's full moon."
"Well yeah, but that doesn't mean a werewolf did it."

"I ask him who the killer _isn't_, then cast Command: Lie!"
"On the one hand this kinda killed the mystery but on the other hand I'm too impressed to not allow it."

"I never _actually_ tortured her beloved mentor figure, so I'm pretty sure that still counts as lawful good."

"Please realize that you're a 350-year-old dwarf who's asking a teenage girl to leave her hometown and go live with him."

"Inside the priest's closet, you find a small shrine to Malar."
"Is that bad?"
"If you're not an evil lycanthrope, it is."

----------


## Guizonde

> "I go to investigate this disturbance in an orderly and legal manner."


in a similar vein due to a particularly bad railroad from an inexperienced dm.

friend: gui! quit nazi goose-stepping in a frivolous way!

----------


## D.KnightSpider

"It is less than optimal to taunt the judge when your lawyer's defense is so half-hearted."

----------


## TheYell

LESHY: Are giant cockroach legs like snow crab?
PALADIN: Save me some!
SORCERER: I'll just be over here, barfing.


DM: You see the door is boarded over, the doorknob is removed and a spike driven through the lock.
PALADIN: Don't...
WITCH/ROGUE: Oh I gots to.


DM: You have defeated the swarm!
LESHY: Can we eat them now?
SORCERER: Are you eating spiders??
DM: Monkle shakes her head with her mouth full.


SUMMONER: You're aware goblins hate dogs?
LESHY: Dogs and horses.
PALADIN: I got a dog and a horse!
SUMMONER: Well just be advised she's gonna slit their throats one day.
DM: Hmm....you're good for today.
LESHY: I'll be Monkle's conscience when it comes to dogs and horses.
BARD: You're her Jiminy Cricket?

----------


## DigoDragon

> SORCERER: I'll just be over here, barfing.


Ewww. Ditto.  :Small Eek: 


*Doc*: "Wanna help me give Trixie a bath?"
*Charity*: "No."
*Doc*: "Come on, it'll earn you brownie points."
*Charity*: (_Disney princess singing_) "I don't _careee!_"

----------


## jintoya

"leave the Moon alone!"

The Queen: "There will be no "yo"s in my court!"

"Quack at me again, I will destroy all you hold dear."

"Who let you in, and why are you dressed like a sheep?"
(My answer to this was to look at the DM and say "Farmers-only, find local-" where I was cut off by explosive laughter, and the DM was choking on a soda)

"Hey mister, that's real charitable and all... But... What do I do with a sword?"

"These are not the orphans your looking for" waving hand like a Jedi.

"How much for the child? I wish to add it to" in dark voice "the collection!"

"There's no kinky dungeon in here!... Don't move any furniture looking for a hatch... And if you find one...I didn't know it was there!"

----------


## ZeroGear

*Spoiler: Home Made System, Fun New Cast*
Show


Marv: Military Specialist, trained with every possible weapon. Has a cybernetic arm.
Dan: Private investigator. Wears a coat made out of a possessed straight jacket. Knows Martial Arts.
Master Of Puppets (MOP): Said possessed coat. Is indestructible and can harden at will. Voiced by the peanut gallery.
Night Hunter (NH): Unicorn guard from Equestria. Very good with battle magic.
Nova: High School Student. Has a Stand named Big Bad Voodoo Daddy that can transfer damage to other objects. Party healer.
June: Tech Witch. Loves creating transforming weapons with AI.



Dan: "I think the Glock just hissed at me."

June: "Something wrong? You look stressed."
Marv: "Gee, let me think. I'm talking to a girl that's petting a dog that's also a sniper rifle, while in a room with a private d!ck who's jacket is arguing with a kid that's got some kind of strange ghost, and there's a mythical pony with a horn sitting over there. Also, MY ARM JUST GOT BLOWN OFF!"

Nova: "So... Pony?"
NH: "Yep."
Nova: "World full of magic?"
NH: "Yep."
Nova: "Is it peaceful?"
NH: "Usually. Unless the kingdom gets invaded by magic eating monsters, armies, power mad unicorn kings, swarms of changelings, or some other threat from a thousand years ago. Though the princesses and their friends handle it pretty quickly."
Nova: "How often does that happen?"
NH: "About once or twice a year. You can almost mark it on the calendar."

MOP: "Dan, did you let the girl modify your guns?"
Dan: "Yes, why?"
MOP: "Because your holster is purring."

June: "Here you go! One cyber arm fresh from the workshop!"
Marv: "And you didn't install an AI in it, right?"
June: "Nope. Though it would have been better if it had one."
Marv: "And you didn't add any strange or unnatural features to it?"
June: "No. Just the standard dynamos, neural links, and pistons, as requested."
Marv: "Good."
June: "And a rocket punch."
Marv: "...I'm ok with this."

Nova: "Any plans on getting past the guards?"
Marv: *pulls out silenced sniper rifle*
Nova: "...good plan."

MOP: (to June) "You're the lovely gooey center of a bulletproof s'more. You're more than safe."

Nova: "Wow. Look at this armory!"
Marv: "Yeah, they have everything. Including a... TANK!"
Nove: "Tank?"
Marv: "It's mine, mine, Mine, Mine, MINE!"

NH: "RUN FASTER!"
June: "We're going as fast as we can!"
Dan: "'We'? I'm carrying you!"
June: "And I'm trying to shoot! Stop wobbling so much!"
Dan: "Stop nagging me woman, or I'll drop you!"

Nova: "Hey Marv, lower the cannon! I want to ride it!"
Marv: "... you want to ride my long, hard, wiggly thing, I hope you know where this is going."

NH: "Was that Nova?"
Dan: "And Marv?"
June: "In a tank?"
MOP: "What are the odds?"

Dan: "Nova, get out of the tank!"
Nova: "You're not my dad!"
Dan: "I'm in charge of this mission, get out of the tank!"
Nova: "I'm in the tank and you're not!"
Dan: "Get out of the Tank!"
Nova: "I'm literally in the tank and you're not."
Dan: "LITERALLY GET OUT OF THE TANK!"
Nova: "No."
Dan: "Ok."

----------


## DigoDragon

> Nova: "How often does that happen?"
> NH: "About once or twice a year. You can almost mark it on the calendar."


Weekly friendship problems not included?  :Small Big Grin: 


*Max*: "Do you know what my first relationship was like?"
*Doc*: "A mad-libs fanfic?"

*GM*: "They said that _Aliens_ was a bad movie."
*Max*: "What?! Well then go to hell!"
*GM*: "Don't damn me to hell, damn them for saying it!"
*Max*: "I'm damning them through you!"
*Doc*: "You are the conduit for which the damnation travels."

*GM*: "Dang it, earthpony! Stop making your Fort saves and derailing my railroad!"

*GM*: "Do you acquiesce to the grapple?"
*Doc*: "Gee, I could surrender now or get my nose bloodied and _then_ surrender. Such choices."

*Charity*: *_so lazy she shrugs with just one shoulder_*

----------


## Telok

"We don't need to investigate anything. The racist drow murder cops said it's a pirate base and thats good enough for me. Break out those orbital bombardment rules and warm up the plasma cannons..."

----------


## D.KnightSpider

*Longshot:* [The GM] is back among the land of the... connected? Information super highway? Living dead?
*GM:* Definitely the latter.

*Rose:* Good cause even though Rose has the skills, it's hard cracking open your own head to fix a thing.

*Longshot:* *crits a Trace Teleport check and sees the subject in the bathroom* "... I hate my life."

*Rose:* I can make it happen, but you might get burned afterwards.
*Brazen:* That's what the Sex Appeal skill is for *fingerguns*

*Rose:* Aww, looks like we got our own Chinese bot today.

*Love:* Fireproof is really good. If anything, that'll be the spell that makes Love give up lasers
*Longshot:* It makes for a good human torch cosplay.

*Longshot:* Normally the [Survey Company] is slightly less... degrading... in their questions.

----------


## bc56

Player: Solas gets off his soapbox about saving the monkeys and tries to kill it.

----------


## Lord Torath

> Player: Solas gets off his soapbox about saving the monkeys and tries to kill it.


Tries to kill the monkey?  Or the soapbox?

----------


## Sam113097

Druid: "It's pig wranglin' time"

Wizard: "Anyone can doot a flute"

Druid: "So we've got a cleric who doesn't heal, a wizard who's also our tank, and a druid who hates tree?"

----------


## ZeroGear

*Spoiler: Reply*
Show




> Weekly friendship problems not included?


Only if it involves the guards ;>



Dan: "Where are we now?"
June: "The sign says 'San Zucchini'."
Marv: "Why does that sound familiar?"
Random Citizen: "TOMATOES! TOMATOES!"
Marv: "Ah."

Dan: "Here they come."
MOP: "SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM! DON'T LET THEM GET CLOSE!"
Dan: "What are you worried about? You're impervious to damage."
MOP: "Do you have any idea how bad tomato juice stains?"

Marv: "I'm scared to look, what's going on outside?"
NH: *singing* "Tomatoes are eating the city."
Marv: "Say what?"
NH, Dan, & June: *all singing* "Tomatoes are eating the city!"
Marv: "I just had to ask."

Marv: "Well this is bad."
Dan: "Yeah, I'd say we're in quite the pickle."
NH: "True, but I'd relish the chance to dice that vegetable menace."
June: "But these aren't just any garden variety monsters, these are seasoned killers."
Dan: "Let's root around, maybe we can dig up some information on these mutant veggies."
Marv: "Why me?"

MOP: "Don't look now, but here comes their assault squad."
Dan: "Assault squad?"
MOP: "Yeah, they look like some mean green mothers."
June: "From outer space?"

June: "Quick! In here!"
NH: "A costume store? Really?"
June: "They'd never suspect it."
NH: "Honestly, neither would I."

Dan: "Feel the power of our steamroller!"
MOP: "Turn on the juice Dan! Let's give 'em the squeeze!"
Marv: "Where did you even get a steamroller?"

Marv: "There you are! Where have you been? And... why are you dressed like a banana?"
NH: "I was told to get in touch with my feminine side."

Marv: "So their weakness is music?
June: "Seems like it?"
Marv: "Any guesses what kind?"
June: "Smashing Pumpkins?"

----------


## Guizonde

> *Spoiler*
> Show
> 
> 
> 
> Dan: "Where are we now?"
> June: "The sign says 'San Zucchini'."
> Marv: "Why does that sound familiar?"
> Random Citizen: "TOMATOES! TOMATOES!"
> ...


your team is awesome. talk about great puns! also, a giant "what the hell did i read?". which is good, too.

----------


## weet555

Mel: Jai, what about the gnome? 
Jai: ...I don't want to catch what he has.

Bill: I know a guy that can make smoked goggles, back in Not England.
Jai: That's real helpful, real helpful Bill.

Bill: For king and country!!
Mel: Can we cut out his tongue?

----------


## Illogictree

Spot: "I run for cover!"
SM: "OK, there's a conveniently-placed container truck you can duck behind."
Spot: "What's in it?"
SM: "...Uh, the label on the side says... processed... chicken... substitute?"
Spot: "...So it's a meat shield?"
Alduin: "Imitation meat shield."
Aurelios: "Its brand name is 'I Can't Believe They Thought This Was Chicken'."

----------


## Stevesciguy

Said by players, not PCs:

G: "WERE ALL THE NON-ABYSS HOTELS BLOODY BOOKED UP?!"

Later in the same game:

T: Is there any problem that can't be fixed with messing sufficiently with the time stream?

Q: We'll probably find the answer that one eventually. Hopefully violence is an applicable answer in its place.

----------


## Imbalance

"That....is the kind of thing that gives DMs a high hard one. Soooo much to work with"

----------


## JBPuffin

A: And so now we work for the magic IRS police.
B: *exasperated sigh* How did we get to this point?!
C: Im pretty sure he just told you that.

----------


## DigoDragon

*Mirror*: "I learned how to make gourmet pop rocks."
*Doc*: "Gourmet what? Pop rocks? That's just that lumps of sugar."
*Charity*: "Spice. And everything nice."
*Mirror*: "Pop rocks, not Power Puff Girls!"
*Charity*: "Pretty sure pop rocks are made with Chemical X."

----------


## Vknight

Elf : But i want the 2 Million years of research notes in blood magic!! Also totes not my cutie gf


Ninja : And because of the fact i had to leave home at such a young age this suit has grown incredibly small and is one of the last vestiges of my time with my family and good times at that so that is why I'm wearing a fishnet bodysuit

Warrior : My characters girlfriend is frozen for a year but at least i still have my sister!!


Context makes the ninja one worse and better

----------


## DigoDragon

*Azriel*: "I'm surrounded by weirdness."
*Doc*, *Mirror*, & *Charity*: *_walk into the tavern_*
*Max*: "More an occupational hazard."

*Doc*: "Did someone call the brute squad?"
*Azriel*: "I'm on the brute squad."
*Doc*: "You ARE the brute squad."

*GM*: "Your genie sucks if you're rubbing Tupperware."

*Doc*: "I scooted away from the table. The barkeep scooted away from the table. The table scooted away from the table. We comforted the table."

*Max*: "We need permission to camp up on the wall?"
*Farmer*: "Aye, the town mayor is not... um... how you say...?"
*Doc*: "Not in the mood for dealing with our bull :Small Furious: ery?"
*Farmer*: "Yeah, that."

*Max*: "They put the Tabaxi in the back of the wagon, but she kept telling the teamsters where to go. She was a Tabaxi driver."

*Max*: "Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Don't do anything I would do. ...there's a gray middle area in there."

*Mirror*: "Don't get mustard in that guy's brain!"

*Farmer*: "Touched the door and he turned to stone."
*Doc*: "Took the warnings for granite, did he?"

*Max*: "One was too tall, one was too short, and one was too '_Thank you, ma'am, may I have another?'_"

----------


## ZeroGear

Nova: "How can you even see my stand?
Dan" I'm wearing magic gear."
MOP: "I am Magic gear."
Marv: "I've got optic implants."
NH: "I see magic."
June: "I see dead people."
*BEAT*

Villager1: "She's a Witch!"
Villager2: "Burn her!"
Villager3: "Get the scales and a duck!"
June: "A DUCK?"

Nova: *holds NH like a gun* "I'm warning you, this things loaded! Don't make me use the other end!"
NH: "I DO NOT SHOOT RAINBOW LAZERS OUT MY FLANK!"

Marv: "BEND OVER AND TAKE THIS RUTABAGA!"
Dan: "Phrasing!"

----------


## Personification

> *Max*: "They put the Tabaxi in the back of the wagon, but she kept telling the teamsters where to go. She was a Tabaxi driver."


Is this a pun on taxi driver, baxeet backseet driver, or both?

----------


## DigoDragon

> Is this a pun on taxi driver, baxeet backseet driver, or both?


Backseat pun. There was a taxi pun that happened the weekend prior when we created characters, but I can't remember the setup.

----------


## TheYell

SORCERER: Charm Person!
SUMMONER: Don't...
SORCERER: Psychic Casting!  She needs to beat a 17.
DM: She gets an 18 before modifiers.
SORCERER: Oops.
DM: The guard captain stares at you and yells, "GET OUT!"


SORCERER: There's a vault in the cave with a combination lock that we'll crack.
MONK: (OOC) did you just tell a halfdragon about a treasure trove?


BARD: Under pretext of helping Monkle, I steal some of your meat.  33 for sleight of hand.
LESHY: 3! Dammit! So I'm watching her walk into the room and steal meat and say nothing??
SUMMONER: With those rolls, she could have entered by the window.


DM:  The door opens and out comes...
SUMMONER: A dragon?
LESHY: "Hullo son!"
DM: No!


DM: You bang on the door repeatedly but nobody answers.
SORCERER: knockknockknock "Penny."  knockknockknock "Penny".  knockknockknock "Penny".

----------


## Vknight

DM : They turned your ninja arts into a type of Tai Chi based around a Winter goddess

Wanda : No theologians
Benikage : But what about scholars of?
Wanda : NO THEOLOGIANS!

Akra : We have 4 options, theologians, an arcology of farmers, survival of the fittest druids, and super experimental wizards which do we trust more with this job?
Wanda : NO THEOLOGIANS!

Lyn : And i'm your grand niece auntie
Benikage : We can't have been gone that long!
Gm : Its been 168 years or so

----------


## ZeroGear

(Marv's player was having a bad day)

Marv: "So everyone understand the plan?"
Rest of Group: *murmurs of acknowledgement*
-Later-
Dan: "Nova! That's the wrong side!"
Marv: "NOVA YOU MOOOORRRRROOOOONNNN!!!"

Marv: "You are about as useful as a paper c-nd0-m and twice as thick!"

Nova: "I just ran out of ammo."
Marv: "HOW?"

June: "I wonder what's in here?"
*opens door*
DM: *slids over a note card and plays Sexytime Music*
June: "Squeee!"

NH: "Please stop rubbing my horn, it makes me uncomfortable."

Dan: "Do I even want to know why you're wearing nothing but an apron?"
June: "Well..."
Dan: "Forget it. Here, put this on." *hands her MOP*
June: "Are you sure you'll be ok?"
Dan: "I'll manage."
MOP: "Ooooohhh. Her skin feels so nice!"
Dan: "YOU'RE NOT HELPING!"

----------


## bc56

Player: "I finally understand why you would play Yackety Sax during an escape."

Solas: "I thought we brought the quantum tunneling ball bearings!"

----------


## Telok

"Ooh, the starship fairies upgraded the shields and jump drive while we were out. How nice. Did they give us bigger guns too?"

----------


## Guizonde

*Spoiler: very poor taste*
Show

militia: dude, the doc's horrible.
belsunce: yeah, he went overboard.
dm: what happened?
belsunce: he raped someone. more importantly, a female corpse.
dm: ok, that's pretty bad.
militia: the kicker is that it was _our_ female corpse!
dm: so, you're telling me you two girls object to the kill-steal more than the atrocity of corpse desecration?
militia and belsunce: OBVIOUSLY!!


dm: hey malax, could you tone it down a bit?
malax: what? i'm overpowered?
dm: no, you're sick.
malax: oooooooh, that!

militia: can we get another doctor? this one's broken. and probably not even house-broken.
malax: i so am house-broken! look!
belsunce: i'd rather die in horrible pain than let this freak touch me.
dm: that can be arranged.

----------


## AdmiralCheez

- "How do you even get your flask through that environmental suit?"
- "A technomancer never reveals his secrets."

- "Oh dang, I'm going to have to keep track of cigarettes again." 

- "I may be a pile of ancient animated flesh, but I can still see you gesturing to your pilot. I'm afraid no jump engines can outrun the parking fees you owe to the spaceport transit authority. How would you like to begin your payment?" 

- "I'm gonna cross Necromancy Planet off my vacation bucket list. Let's never go back there."

- "If we act quickly, we can erase our names from the registration papers on our ship, and maybe we won't get blamed if the galaxy is destroyed."

----------


## NRSASD

Imogen: What's the potion seller's name?
DM: Ummm... Albert?
Cornelia: Geraldine.
Imogen: the Moderate.
DM: Married.
Cornelia: Esquire.
Imogen: How do we know all this?
DM: It's on the sign above the door. "Albert Geraldine the Moderate. Married. Esquire's. Potion Shoppe."

Imogen: I feel a sense of excitement briefly at my first ever theft, followed by overwhelming guilt.
Cornelia: Why? I thought you were a noble. Stealing is like taxing, just sudden like. 
Imogen: Good point! I'll write Geraldine a note and slip it under the door to apologize. "Move to Stonebridge! We won't tax you for a year since I stole your potion. Great tax incentives for small businessmen :D. *Don't be here in a month.*"
DM: Albert takes one look at your note and flees the country that night. Living out the rest of his days under a false identity, "Geraldine Albert the Excessive. Single. Peasant."

Cornelia: We're here for Edgar; whom some call, _Edgur_.

----------


## TheYell

TAMIEN: Odds are, one of us is the Chosen One.
BAMBI:  We could be the Chosen Two!
ATHENA: There can be only ONE!!!

----------


## AdmiralCheez

"On the plus side, your character gets to ride the bone tube for the rest of eternity."

"I would normally regret giving you guys the bone tube, but it was right there in the book."

"Oh, yeah, that whole plot thing. The whole reason for the entire setup of the campaign. I forgot about that. I'm just gonna go ahead and pick a different spell."

----------


## ZeroGear

Nova: "So... we just mix the rust with the aluminum powder and wait?"
June: "Pretty much. Though you may not want to look directly at the..."
*FWOSH*
Nova: "I'M BLIND!!!!!!!!"

Marv: "It doesn't look too serious. You'll be able to see again in a few days. Just keep the blindfold on for now."
MOP: "Great. How is he supposed to run missions now?"
Nova: "I'll just feel it out."
*squish*
*SLAP!*
Nova: "...that felt painful."

NH: "I did not volunteer to be a seeing-eye-pony!"

June: "Three... two... one..."
*distant explosion*
June: "And boom goes the dynamite."

Dan: "Anyone see find the vault?"
Nova: "There it is!"
Rest of party: *turns to look*
Nova: "Is what someone else will say when they find it."


Marv: "What's in the room?"
Dan: "Well...Here's a llama, there's a llama, and another little llama. Fuzzy llama, funny llama, llama llama..."
MOP: "DUCK!"
Marv: "What?" *gets hit with a pie*

June: "And...I have no idea where we are now."
Nova: "Mind if I see the map?"
June: "Sure, here... Why do you insist on doing that?"
Nova: "What? I don't see any problems."
NH: "I'd rather not have the blind leading the blind."

Marv: "Why is it that every mission we somehow end up getting separated?"
Dan: "Malicious intent from higher beings intent on deriving joy from our suffering and ill-fated circumstances?"
Marv: "So [one above all] just hates us?"
Dan: "I don't know, I'm a Pastafarian."

Nova: "I'm... cured? I CAN SEE!"
*flashbang goes of*
Nova: "MY EYES!!!!!!!!"

----------


## ZamielVanWeber

'gir: My blade guide has just informed me that Tiamat does have a father who might be angry if she dies, so I will put her under the 'maybe' column.

Quortle: 'gir...

'gir: What?

Quortle: 'gir...

'gir: Kyuss is like a practice run.

Quortle: 'gir...

----------


## Telok

Velon: I open the door.
DM: Five Elven Imperial Navy marines with las guns full-auto you. There's an elf at the end of the line with command insignia looking smug.
Lobos: We forgot to shoot the security camera didn't we?
Velon: Reaction to cast Jaunt as a dodge.
DM: Smug elf reacts to dispel.
<rolls><rolls><rolls>
Velon: Crit two to the body.
DM: The chart says... Some internal organs are now medium rare. Take 1d5 fatigue.
Velon: KO.
Lobos: At least you aren't on fire this time.

----------


## Spookykid

druid: act casual and fit in
awakened pony: moo

----------


## Vknight

William : Look i got a magical spine
Party Sighs : We know
(Light context its only the first session and yes)


Towin : I wanna meet a princess
Luke : The princess taught me swordplay


DM : Luke and Leaf what are you doing
Luke : Yeah Luke what are you doing?
Leaf : Your Luke.

----------


## TheYell

DM: Whatever you want to order, it's her treat.
LESHY: I want the rarest, most expensive meat on the menu!
BAMBI: "This comes from another planet, it's called 'Chef Boyardee'!"

TAMIEN: Can I get surf and turf? Flaming cow and reefclaw?

BAMBI: You said no spells on them! Not no spells on you!
MORAVI: I said NO SPELLS!

MORAVI: Awesome! I stole the Gloves of Larceny!
BAMBI: Is there a reward out for you now?

BAMBI: I have a cunning plan...but you're keeping secrets, so nyahh!

----------


## AdmiralCheez

"You've been removing show tunes from existence using bath bombs?" 


"The initiation is kinda like a kegger."
"Wait, are we joining a cult, or a frat house?"
"Actually, it's more like a.... well, we're not a cult."
"So, what, we're going to mix a bunch of questionable liquor into a trash can, and drink it out of an old boot?"
"Oh, gods no! What kind of college did you go to?!"
"I never went to college." 


"Okay, well, you stared right into the annihilation beam despite the safety sign. That's on you."

----------


## Guizonde

brutallica: what the hell is attached to my saddle bag? *searches*
dm: it appears to be a well-worn burlap sack containing about 20lbs of potatoes.
korinn: JOOOOOOOOSééééééééé!
grimm: damn, even dead he still gets the blame.

dm: ok, brutallica rides off on her giant ram, whisking away korinn romantically.
korinn: well, at least it's more comfortable than josé or grimm...
grimm: HEY!
kami: so... hot midget on midget on livestock action? 
dm: i'm keeping this discussion pg, kami.

----------


## DigoDragon

*Spoiler: Responses*
Show




> Leaf : Your Luke.


Pronoun trouble.  :Small Wink: 





> awakened pony: moo


*_snerk_* Ponies always make games more fun.





> NH: "I did not volunteer to be a seeing-eye-pony!"


But ponies make games more fun!! XD



*Mirror*: "I have blue fuzz on my boobs."
*Doc*: "Am I supposed to be concerned or aroused?"

*Doc*: "You're the only pony I know who suffers Buyer's Remorse before you even pay for something."

*Doc*: "Wait, did that truck trailer say... oh, it's Peni*n* Best."
*Mirror*: "Thank you! OMG, finally someone else saw it the same wrong way I did."

*GM*: "This is the fiber in your neighborhood."
*Doc*: "Keeps your internet regular."

*Doc*: "We can get a goat somewhere, right?"
*Max*: "I'm not getting anyone's goat."

*Doc*: "Damn, how long does 5 minutes take?"
[Beat]
*Doc*: "Don't answer that."

*Charity*: "Can I make a check to determine the liquid in the jug?"
*GM*: "What tool proficiencies do you have?"
*Charity*: "...I can do a song-and-dance number."
*GM*: "Then no."

*Azrael*: "Look, you took one for the team."
*Doc*: "Technically so did I."
*Mirror*: "And me."
*Charity*: "We have dumb team-building exercises."

*Charity*: "Would you consider your breath-weapon more of a fiery burst or chilling touch?"
*Azrael*: "It's a scintillating rainbow of fists. Go away."

*Mirror*: "Oh, there's still some peanuts in here."
[Beat]
*Max* & *GM*: "Oh, you said pea*nuts*."
*Doc*: "Neither of you have the excuse of a truck trailer."

----------


## Telok

A: "The 'you can make anything with UPBs and the engineering skill' has some consequences that I don't think they considered when they put that rule in the book."
B: "But how many groups are going to try improving and replacing a gods sexual organs with biotech and cybernetics?"
A: "I'll bet we aren't the first."
C: "Rule 34."

----------


## TheYell

DM: "OK what rumors can we start for fun?  See that man over there? He sleeps with his sister."
MORAVI: OK, that's...mildly disturbing.
LESHY: "Mildly disturbing"?!

DM: "And I don't know what made you think this was a date, I am married with three children!"
TAMIEN: Forgive me, madame, that was uncool.
LESHY: Uncouth.
TAMIEN: That too.

MORAVI: [OOC] Do we get our level 4 abilities yet?
DM: You haven't slept on it.
BAMBI: [OOC] Oops.
DM: That's ok, you just like to cheat, I get it.

BAMBI: I invoke the Rule of Cool and telekinesis my dagger back in my hand.

DM: Anything else you want to order? If it's served in the Inner Sea, it's on the menu.
BAMBI: <raises finger> Oh!
DM: You're not there.
BAMBI: <lowers finger> Aw.

----------


## Telok

Player: When you told us how many troops were in the navy base I thought they'd be almost all minions.
DM: It's a covert listening post and resupply in a disputed system. Veteran soldiers aren't mooks.
Player: And the commander won't talk to us!
DM: You snuck in, shot people, busted loose a murdering criminal, caused the power generators to implode, blew up a vehicle bay, and wasted eighty percent of the combat troops.
Player: He can still surrender. We'll let him go!
DM: Would you trust you guys if you were him?
Player: Heck no. We're murdering thugs.
DM: Blowing the nukes it is.

----------


## Diachronos

"So I need to finger Chacho again?"

----------


## Anachronity

Me: "You walk into the town. It's a cozy place, (etc.)"
Player: "Are there shops?"

What I _meant_ to say: "Nothing spectacular, but there's a weapons-smith, an armorer, and a butcher."
...
What I _said_: "Nothing spectacular, but there's a weapons-smith, an armor-smith, and a meat-smith."

----------


## Elvensilver

"So I will just keep laying on the nice sword fish next to the ship until the paralysis wears of, yeah?"

----------


## bc56

Kit: Punch him with your sword and hammer!

Solas: We just committed genocide in your name. I hope you're proud of us.
Kit: I use my reaction to commit a war crime.
Solas: Can I flee to Argentina?

Kit: Skipper, go heal Lathanderman.

Solas: All my prayers go to Lathander. There is no faith energy for you to siphon.

Dwarven Chief: That's not a box, it's a mold.
Solas: You'd think a smith should have recognized a mold.
Skipper: You described what it was so well without making it clear what it actually was.

----------


## DigoDragon

> "meat-smith."


Subway has sandwich artists, so... seems legit.


*GM*: "You locate the mound."
*Doc*: "Can we search for the Almond Joy?"

*Azriel*: "I can't help it if i'm the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise."

*Max*: "Objects are immune to poison and psychic damage."
*Mirror*: "So Doc can't vicious Mockery the door."
*Doc*: "I wasn't thinking that... as Plan A."

*Max*: "Uh, the door has a dodge score of zero."

*GM*: "All that's left of the door is the lock and the hinges."
*Mirror*: "Wonderful shooting, Max!"
*Max*: "Yeah, on my *Twentieth* shot."

*GM*: "You take two points of fire damage--"
*Max*: "Fire resistance."
*GM*: "One point of fire damage from the flask. A little goblin creature ducks down behind a barricade."
*Doc*: "Surrender now or Max will take another twenty shots and destroy you!"
*Max*: "Not. Helping."

*Max*: "They have a critter."
*Mirror*: "Is it the dog?"
*GM*: "It's a wolf."
*Max*: "Ah, a pre-dog."
*Doc*: "An un-evolved canine."
*Mirror*: "An emo pupper."

*Goblin*: "Wolf, Place!"
*Mirror*: *_swings her sword and crits_*
*Wolf*: *_detonates_*
*Mirror*: "No."
*Goblin*: "Eep."

*Mirror*: *_cuts goblin in half_* "Save one for questioning!"
*Doc*: "What if we have two halves? Can I just sew them together?"
*Max*: "No, that's not gonna cut it."

*Mirror*: "I want him prisoner."
*Doc*: "Then donk him on the head."
*Mirror*: *_crits_*
*Goblin*: *_knocked out cold_*
*Mirror*: "I didn't mean to donk him so hard."

*Doc*: "Fiiive scimitars! Four stimpack."
*Mirror*: "Three bottle caps."
*Max*: "Two wolf chunks."
*GM*: "And a scared goblin prisoner."

----------


## Aniikinis

I have some gems over the years.

Past Group:
3.5
Warlock: "I know what I'm doing"
Dread Necromancer: "You have no idea how much that scares me"

Player 1 playing a Commoner: "I put on my armor and draw my broadsword."
Everyone else: "wait, what?"
P1: "I'm a fighter, boyyyyyyys!!!"
P2: "...You have 5 HP"

P4: "I put on my robe, and wizard hat"
P2: "You're a druid"
P4: "I put on my loincloth and light a joint..."

P2: "That's not lawful good though?"
P1: "Dude, my Int is like 5, are you really gonna try to argue with me?"
P2: "No, I'm just gonna quietly sulk and give your character the stink eye"
P3: "Can vampires sulk?"
P2: "Can a candy person eat himself? Same answer"
DM: "Will you three please shut up so we can continue?"

P1: "Where is the brothel?"
DM gives directions: "why?"
P1: "No reason. I go to the brothel and get the attention of every lady inside."
DM: "Okay, they're all listening"
P1: "I offer each of them a gold coin if they would go to the gnome's store and wander around."
DM: "...the one you got kicked out of?"
P1: "Yes"

Space campaign in homebrew system
P3: "All hail goat god! Crusade on Battoria"
P2: "This is why the government is paying me to restrain you through force."

P3: "Have you heard of Goat God?"
Enemies: "Yes, now if you don't leave we'll spill your blood to satisfy him."
P3: "Okay, cool!"

Current Group:
3.5
P1: "I'm pressing the button like 5 times"
P2: "Do it and I break the finger"

P3: "Leeroy! Jeeeeeeeeeeenkyenasns"
DM: you take 1032 damage
P3: "F***"

3.5 players adventuring in Xena setting
Party kicking butt
Little Shub'niggurath(Ozodrin): "That old man got other people on this quest before me?! What a rip off! Oh wow they're getting smashed. ...May party now I guess."

BoneShaper: "Okay, we need bodyguards for this"
Drow Necromantress: "_You_ need bodyguards

NPC: "you need the bones of dryads to kill him."
LS: "...Dryads have bones?"
BS: "Since when did they have bones?"
DN: "I never knew that, that sounds fake"
3 hours later
LS: "First: those weren't dryads. Second: They did _in fact_ have bones."
DN: "I figured party princess would know a thing or two about bones"
LS: "Could say the same for you. Anyways, let's stab the guy and get out.

LS: "Who's ready to paaaaaarrtaaayyy!!!!"
Everyone else in the party: "Not a chance"
Indigenous Natives Who Spoke Common: "Party?"
LS: "I'm gonna show you something you'll never see for about 300 years!"

Playing an All Flesh Must Be Eaten game set in WalMart Apocalypse. Somewhat in temporal order.

Meat Barbarian: "Where do you keep your long pig?" [everyone stares at you like you're insane]

Tron'Boy: "Dear Watt, why won't this bandit die? Stop dodging successfully and die already!!!"

Cat-Clan Diplomat: "OH SO HONORABUR my a**, if they were so honorable why don't they come fight us like men?" 
Me, the DM: "Roll initative"
Cat-Clan Diplomat: "...f***..."

Mercury: "OH GOD THEY'RE SLAVS"

Meat Barbarian fishing through the trunk of a humvee for something useful, pulls out a mortar and shell "when the f*** did we get this?"

Beastmaster from pets: "f*** No! Sally! Bad Lizard! You put the vial of anthrax back!" Sally is his mount, an iguana about the size of a car and resembling a komodo dragon more than an iguana.

Me: "Well, she shoots it, but now half of the wall of the fortress is gone. On the plus side, Sally can now take ranks in Firearms. Might wanna get that whole 'no thumbs' thing figured out though"

Cat-Clan Diplomat on a turret: "Rock n Roll B****ES!!!!"

Tron'Boy: Rolling knowledge on the thing they pulled out of the trunk "14"
DM: "It's a Red Matter Bomb"
Tron'Boy: "I zip down there and yell 'Give it to me!'"
Cat-Clan Diplomat: "Here, take it"
Tron'Boy: "Now I fling it over the wall"
DM: Stunned silence then "roll"
Tron'Boy: "22! Booyah!"

----------


## ZeroGear

Infrequent visitors make great players of antagonists ^^.


Minion 1: "Introducing, her Imperial Grace, Mistress Anastasia Zolodyne!"
Dan: "Looks like we finally get to meet the big bad."
Anastasia: "Foolish little things! You thought you could ruin my plans? In the end, I will always be victorious! Ohohohohoho!"
Nova: "That laugh is going to haunt my nightmares, I just know it."

June: "Don't worry, Marc will save us!"
Anastasia: "Who?"
June: "You don't know? His name is Legendary!"
Nova: "His strength is remarkable!"
NH: "And his theme song, is pretty good too!"
June: "Bam, bam; bam, bam, ba-bam, bam..."

Grace Zolodyne (little sister of big bad): "You... took out all the robots I built."
Marv: "Um... yes?"
Grace: "Those were state of the art battle robots, with top tier specs and military grade weapons..."
Marv: "Ah... Sorry?"
Grace: "I WANT YOUR BABIES!"
*beat*
Marv: "...nope." *runs away*
Grace: "No! Sweetheart! Come back!"

Marv: "Move! Move! Move!"
NH: "Hoofing it! Hoofing it! Hoofing it!"
Nova: "Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!"
Anastacia: "Get them! Capture them and throw them in the dungeon!"
Grace: "Bring the sexy man-meat to my room!"

NH: "Looks like we found the minion break room."
Nova: "Oooh, they have a fridge! Time to steal their lunches!"
Marv: "You're going to steal their food? Now?"
Nova: "What? Running builds up an appetite. Oooh! They have Surge!"

Dan: *opens random door*
Male Minion in a bath towel: *Girly scream*
Dan: *closes door*

June: "Hello boys, let me introduce you to Fido."
Minion: "Is that a robot pit bull?"
Fido: "Wroof."
June: "Fido, sick-em."
Fido: "Wroof" *transforms into mini gatling gun*

NF: "Ohwoaw,thisstuffisamazing!I'veneverhadanythinglik  ethatbefore!Ican'tbelievehowgoodIfeelrightnow!It's  likemymagichasnolimits!IbetIcouldevenmovethesunIfI  antedto!Ineedtotrythisstuffmoreoften..."
Marv: *Glares at Nova*
Nova: "How was I supposed to know that Surge makes ponies hyper?"
Marv: "SURGE MAKES EVERYONE HYER YOU DOLT!"

NH:"REEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
MoP: "It's not every day you can say you've seen a pony SCUD missile."

----------


## dunfluff

Horell: I think there has been a misunderstanding regarding us.
you seem to believe that we might pose a threat to you and/or your boss.
We are here to confirm those misunderstandings :Small Amused: 

Horell: I should be disgusted but this is probably
the 12:th time Ive smelt this.

GM: I meant to say it was evening, therefore it is.

GM: Bandits go down the hooole

GM: The hole is not impressed by your personality.
Lonji: Lonji go down the hooole.

Scar: If we sink the boat, it wont burn.

Alum: Im a rock
GM: your sinking like a stone :Small Big Grin: 

Scar: Dont worry Lonji. if you die, Ill eat your body so you´ll always be part of this party.
Lonji: Aww. Thats the way Ive always wanted to... wait... :Small Eek: 

Alum: I dub thee captain obvious of this vessel

Horell: (OOC) Did we get sleept?
Alum: (OOC) We are lvl 5, we cant get sleept.
Horell: (OOC) Greater sleep?
Alum: (OOC) Powernap! :Small Big Grin:

----------


## TheYell

> Horell: I think there has been a misunderstanding regarding us.
> you seem to believe that we might pose a threat to you and/or your boss.
> We are here to confirm those misunderstandings


I laughed to read that 

KNIGHT: What is this place called?
GM:  I dunno, wilderness.
KNIGHT: Then from this day forth I shall be the Count of Adanno Wilderness.  Cause I'm what counts out here!

----------


## Personification

> I laughed to read that 
> 
> KNIGHT: What is this place called?
> GM:  I dunno, wilderness.
> KNIGHT: Then from this day forth I shall be the Count of Adanno Wilderness.  Cause I'm what counts out here!


"Yes... yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... This Land."

----------


## Mr.Sandman

So I ran what was supposed to be a beer and pizza one shot to unwind tonight, except we ran out of time before the end. 3/4 of the characters, Paladin, Cleric, and Wizard, were the 1e Pathfinder Lv 7 pregens, and the Dungeon was a randomly generated one, monsters and all, from online.

Dm: You just reverse Tyr'd that winter wolf.

Paladin: I just made this gauntlet brown in a wolves *******, and I'll clean it off on your face.

Paladin: Remy's a battering centaped.

Bard: Remy is the one facing away from the camera on the box art
Paladin: 6 capes flowing in the wind.

Cleric: What's 'Good Boy' in Giant?

Dm: Roll Perception, no wait, that is the corner of the room that is slowly burning, there is a secret door slowly burning in the northwest corner.

Dm: Would you like to go into the next room and not watch the bear try to climb out and impale itself for the next 7 minutes.

Paladin: This Frost Giant orphaned and kidnapped a 3 year old. This is the first time I have ever seen my brother (the DM) truely angry at a random dungeon generated boss. He is going down.

A cookie to anyone who can figure out what Remy is. Also, yah, I may fudge things in their favor during the boss fight. Endangering children is my personal berserk button, even if those children are fictional and silver dragons.

----------


## Kalaska'Agathas

DM (Me): "Alright, what will you do with the bandits you've captured, then?"

Cleric: "Wait, so, just to check, are we essentially getting more involved in Oleg's plot to commit tax evasion?"

Everyone Else At The Table: [Uproarious Laughter]

----------


## malachi

Quill, OOC: Well, I rolled a drow with the criminal background, but I don't like playing evil characters...
Lore, OOC: Well, I rolled a drow with the folk hero background, but I don't like playing good characters...
Quill, OOC: So I try to do good, but you get all the credit, because that's what brothers are for, right?


Quill: Lore, go with the Eladrin. Maybe you can learn something.
Lore: Why do I need to learn anything?
Quill: *says something boring*
Sleep, OOC: You missed your chance to call him stupid!


DM: Unlike most sailors, the captain doesn't seem superstitious about Tieflings on his ship.
[one ship-ride later]
DM: The captain curses [the Tiefling] and tells him to get off his ship.


Quill: I have friends-
Lore: No you don't.
Quill: You can trust them.
Lore: No I can't.
...
Lore: See, this is why we can't trust your friends!



Quill, OOC: This is my spider, Eric, it's a pun on-
Sleep, OOC: You missed your chance to call him Peter! Spiderman / Peter Quill!


Quill: Hold on a second, I need to see something. *drops concentration on _dancing lights_, room becomes pitch black*


DM: An arrow hits Quill in the knee, and -
Quill, OOC: I guess I have to join the town guards now...


DM: Roll initiative. *runs surprise round wrong, almost kills 2 PCs* Quill, you're up.
Quill: *casts fireball*
DM: You do realize you're on a ship, right? And that Shield almost stumbled into a barrel of tar a second ago?
Quill, OOC: I didn't ask if we were on a ship, I said I cast _fireball_.


Quill: *has 1 hp, is on fire*
Quill: *jumps into water, fire goes out*
DM: It's winter, so make a CON save and take... *rolls* 2 damage, or half on a save.
Quill: *passes save*
Quill: *passes out*


EDIT: Just remembered one more.
Quill: It's not illegal, it's economics!
Quill, OOC: And this makes it the one thing that is so horrible that even drow find it detestable and want to kill him about!

----------


## TheYell

DM: So what do you do in town?
BAMBI: I milk my snake.
TABLE: WHAAAA
BAMBI: I have an asp, I harvest the venom! sheesh

BOSS: So, by now you have killed dozens to reach me.  Your wrath is superb. Perhaps there is a place for you--
MAYA: There's a place for me in your slit throat! <attacks>

BAMBI: I was out shopping, check out these killer stiletto heels!
MORAVI: I don't think you want to take those down there.

BAMBI: "By consuming a nonevil humanoid once a month, a barghest gains a growth point"
DM: Err?
ICARUS: OK, so maybe Munkle can't be a barghest. 
DM: Yeah, that is not a good fit for Munkle.
BAMBI: We could find CN pirates and feed it to her once a month--
DM: How's about "no"?

MORAVI: I could get a tumbleweed as a familiar.
LESHY: I object! That's the corpse of a plant.
MORAVI: Doesn't say undead.
DM: Yeah so it's alive.
LESHY: You realize I'll speak Plant to it?
BAMBI: "You ain't but a slave! It's revolution time!"

TAMIEN: So it turns out drinking blood to learn spells is an evil act.

Also TAMIEN: I'm gonna be drinking so much blood this campaign...

[OOC Pregame]
DM: So what class should Munkle take for level 3?
BAMBI: Ninja!
LESHY: I object to characters learning a class without somebody to instruct them.
BAMBI: She could read the manuals by mail order!

----------


## Miz_Liz

"Listen, with all my tools, Mending, and a bedroll, we'll make something work."

----------


## SleepyShadow

"Don't haggle with the stable boy. I'll club him like a baby seal and we'll take the horses."

"My gnome has a beard so people stop mistaking him for a little girl."

"I survived my own self-inserted brain tumor, so I must be a god!"

"My vampire doesn't believe in the supernatural. He only believes in Atlantis."

"I hit the alien's spaceship with my shovel."

"I'm so sick of eating cassowary that canned corn sounds really good right now."

"Let's use _raise dead_ on the BBEG so he can help us fight the less cool bad guys."

"Why is your sock puppet quoting Nietzsche?"

----------


## Illogictree

DM: "As you cast your spell, you feel something go wrong. A storm suddenly forms in the corridor, and it begins to rain blood. You all have to make Dex checks to remain standing."
Spot: *Makes his save* "I lick a little of the blood. What does it taste like?"
DM: "Uhhh... it tastes like processed chicken substitute."
Spot: "I stop licking."

Aurelios: "What else do we find?"
DM: "There's a Mechanus shrine here. Inside is a Mac Classic. It's labeled, 'To our patron saint, Steve Jobs'."
Spot: "Quack!"

Aurelios: "I cast the spell unfettered!"
*A few rolls later*
DM: "Well, this is a bad precedent. So, as you cast your spell, everyone hears creepy voices whispering from nowhere, whispering terrible truths to you."
Creepy Voice: "Hey! Hey you! You know those hamburgers you like so much? You know what they're really made of?" *beat* "Processed chick-"
*Entire table bursts out laughing*

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

> DM: "As you cast your spell, you feel something go wrong. A storm suddenly forms in the corridor, and it begins to rain blood. You all have to make Dex checks to remain standing."
> Spot: *Makes his save* "I lick a little of the blood. What does it taste like?"
> DM: "Uhhh... it tastes like processed chicken substitute."
> Spot: "I stop licking."
> 
> Aurelios: "What else do we find?"
> DM: "There's a Mechanus shrine here. Inside is a Mac Classic. It's labeled, 'To our patron saint, Steve Jobs'."
> Spot: "Quack!"
> 
> ...


It sounds like your psyker[s] are having FUN.

I think it's funny: In the games I run, the Inquisitorial psyker always overchannels to maximum overchannel [and perils as a consequence], but the Chaos psyker like never casts above Fettered because he's afraid to blow up.

----------


## DigoDragon

> NF: "Ohwoaw,thisstuffisamazing!I'veneverhadanythinglik  ethatbefore!Ican'tbelievehowgoodIfeelrightnow!It's  likemymagichasnolimits!IbetIcouldevenmovethesunIfI  antedto!Ineedtotrythisstuffmoreoften..."


Oh yeah, fav PC right here. XD


*Mirror*: "What do you want to do with the leftovers?"
*Doc*: "Can you put them away?"
*Mirror*: "You can put them away."
*Doc*: "I'm doing the dishes right now."
*Mirror*: "Pfft, the dishes aren't that important."
*Doc*: "Tell that to you, _my wife!_"
*GM*: "This may be the only time meta-gaming is legit."

*GM*: "You see several bone-tipped stakes at the bottom."
*Max*: "Mmm, bone-in steak."

*Doc*: "Please see your doctor if you are punning for more than 4 hours."

*Max*: "Because they're stairs, you can lean back."
*Mirror*: "Lean back! With my mind on my money and my money on my mind!"

*Doc*: "I think the water dried out and went stale."

*Doc*: (_smoldering_)"But the- was be- you can't- dammit goblins! Ceiling or floor?! Pick one place for your traps!!"

*Mirror*: "I can dump out the grain and give the bag to Charity."
*Charity*: (_Richard Nixon voice_) "Sack-it-to-me?"
*Max*: "Seems like a waste of food."
*Doc*: "Let's not go against the grain."
*Mirror*: "But I don't want to stalk back here again for the bag!"
*Doc*: "Rye are you being difficult?!"
*Mirror*: "Because your idea chaffs my style!"
*Doc*: "Fine, we'll go with your graindiose plan!"
*Mirror*: "Wheatever!"

*Azriel*: "My pact with the dark ones is earning interest rates."

*GM*: "You know what alchemist fire feels like on your fur?"
*Doc*: "*UNFORTUNATELY.*"  :Small Annoyed: 

*Max* & *Doc*: "Let us out! Let us out! Let us out!"
*Azriel* & *Mirror*: "Let us in! Let us in! Let us in!"

----------


## Telok

A: Of course I'm not really going to let him go if he surrenders. I have a bag of ghoul parts that I'm going to stick in him to see what happens.
B: You're sick.
C: No he's not. He made the save and got better.

C: See? Nobody ever talks except to try to ambush us. We should have just nuked it on the way in.
A: Thery're only light nuclear missiles. Nobody would die and the loot wouldn't be worth even the piddly 10% resale then.

----------


## Feddlefew

The Party: (Several different pre-battle background conversations going on at once.)

Bard: Does heat metal work on guns?

Me, The DM: Yeah- it'd probably set off any bullets in the magazine too.

Hexgun Warlock, who wields A Terribly Cursed Gun: Does it work on *my* gun?

Me: No, of course not.

The Party: [Horrified silence.]

----------


## Telok

Smythe: I'm covered in blood, up to my knees in counterfit fake breasts, and have four meter tall  killer robots shooting lasers at me.
Lobos: Yeah. We're awesome.

----------


## Guizonde

> Smythe: I'm covered in blood, up to my knees in counterfit fake breasts, and have four meter tall  killer robots shooting lasers at me.
> Lobos: Yeah. We're awesome.


yeah, you guys are awesome.

----------


## malachi

*Spoiler: Heretical Context*
Show

Alien's player wasn't present last session, and he had gone to sleep at the end of the previous session, so neither he nor his PC had any idea what hijinks had occurred.


*Spoiler: Characters*
Show


Quill and Lore, Drow, brothers. Wizard and Sorcerer, respectively
Alien, Eladrin Warlock.
Shield, Dragonborn Battlemaster Fighter.
Sleep, Tiefling Eldritch Knight. Has no memories, but lots of scars.



DM: Alien, in your dream you find yourself in a warm room with a wood floor -
Entire party but Alien, OOC: *bursts out laughing*
Quill, OOC: "It really wasn't my fault!"


Quill, OOC: "You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, a dragon comes and kidnaps her, so you _really_ need to learn the difference between red and black dragons. Which ones you can fireball, and whotnot."


Sleep, OOC: "Wait, does dynamite exist in this setting?"
DM, OOC: "Yeah"
Sleep, OOC: *squeals like a little girl*


Alien, OOC: "I think I just turned this into an evil campaign."
Quill and Lore, OOC: "Says the non-Drow."


Shield: "Did a weird guy just come and ask you-"
Quill: "To meet when the ball of death was at its peak?"
Shield: "Ok, it must have been a message from Alien, then."


Quill: "Do the cells have windows?"
DM: "Yes"
Quill: "Noooooooo!"
DM: "Your cell is also in the sun about 90% of the day"
Quill: *shrivels and dies*


Alien: *does something I didn't write down*
Quill, OOC: "Ah, yes. The the Drow style of economics."


Alien: "Why don't we break them out, 'catch' them outside the city so that you can gloat over them?"
Lord Gorbert, NPC: "I do love to gloat."
Alien: "I used to enjoy gloating back in the day, myself."
Lord Gorbert, NPC: *glares* "I'm the only one allowed to gloat."





> counterfit fake breasts





> counterfit fake


Which means _what_ exactly?

----------


## TheYell

TABLE: <babble>
BAMBI: [OOC] My mindreader bloodline power has a DC 17 Will Save, so if they make it, do they know I tried to read their mind?
GM: Absolutely!
TABLE: Wait, what? Don't! No!

----------


## Mr.Sandman

> Which means _what_ exactly?


According to my wife it is actually a major problem. Because the breasts are counterfeit they aren't medical quality or something like that. It makes it easier to get an infection from them.

----------


## Comaward

_Each conversation is from a different campaign._


Rogue:  Are you even capable of being stealthy?
Tiefling Bard:  I prefer to stick out like a sore thumb.
Barbarian:  Ask a stupid question . . .


Cleric:  SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN, NO!!!  HES FINALLY DONE IT!!!  HES SENDING NICOL BOLAS TO KILL US!!!


Half-Orc:  [brandishes maul] No edges!
NPCS army:  [brandishes swords, axes, and halberds] Edges!
Half-Orc:  LETS GET SOME LIVER!!
NPCs: YEAH!!
Human:  [looks over at the elf like wtf?]
Elf:  [turns to the dwarf] I blame you for this.
Dwarf:  IT WAS ONE TIME!!!


Paladin:  To quote the Rangers Apprentice series, I spend my time looking for Albert.
DM:  Who?


FROM MY CURRENT CAMPAIGNS
Bard:  [out of character] as the pastor of the nearby church, I cant believe Im saying this, but just use the F-Word next time.

Warlock:  [out of character] Were this me, I would totally buy it from him.  But as this is fantasy, [in character] I must politely decline.
Wizard and Paladin:  [move their seats a few inches away from the Warlock].

----------


## Personification

*Spoiler: responses*
Show

 


> Cleric:  SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN, NO!!!  HES FINALLY DONE IT!!!  HES SENDING NICOL BOLAS TO KILL US!!!


Nobody _sends_ Nicol Bolas. He's the guy who sends people.



> Paladin:  To quote the Rangers Apprentice series, I spend my time looking for Albert.
> DM:  Who?


I have read that series twice. I have no idea to what this refers.



Unfortunately, I have no quotes to give.  :Small Frown:

----------


## Comaward

> *Spoiler: responses*
> Show
> 
>  
> Nobody _sends_ Nicol Bolas. He's the guy who sends people.






> I have read that series twice. I have no idea to what this refers?


*Spoiler: the dreaded context*
Show


FIRST QUOTE
We had accidentally broken into the lair of an ancient Void Dragon.
The DM pulled out his copy of the Tome of Beasts and showed us a picture of the creature.
The guy playing the Cleric (who in real life was a massive Magic: the Gathering fan) had an honest-to-goodness panic attack just from the picture in the book.
The HE in question, was the DM.

SECOND QUOTE
You know, when you lean over the side of the ship and say alblerrgggh!

----------


## Personification

> *Spoiler: the dreaded context*
> Show
> 
> 
> FIRST QUOTE
> We had accidentally broken into the lair of an ancient Void Dragon.
> The DM pulled out his copy of the Tome of Beasts and showed us a picture of the creature.
> The guy playing the Cleric (who in real life was a massive Magic: the Gathering fan) had an honest-to-goodness panic attack just from the picture in the book.
> The HE in question, was the DM.
> ...


Ah. Googling it, that really does look like Nicol.

----------


## TheYell

ICARUS: I roll Intimidate! A 3.
BAMBI: I assist him. A 5.
DM: He has a 18.
ICARUS: I flip him off!
BAMBI: I assist him.  Nat 20.
ICARUS: Epic.
BAMBI: That's a Tupac level of flipping off.

DM: You must roll a 95 or higher to find an ankylosaur.
ICARUS: Use my dice.
BAMBI: 77.
DM: Not a 95! You find a chicken.
BAMBI: I feed it to my snake.

BAMBI: [OOC] But dragons are the natural allies of dinosaurs! They're drawn to them!
DM: Really?
BAMBI: [OOC] Nah. Made that up.
ICARUS: [OOC] you don't back down when you con the DM!

ICARUS: What about the unholy symbol?
DM: Orduani silently takes the symbol, and wraps it up.
BAMBI: No, we can sell that to disaffected teenagers!

BAMBI: [OOC] Guys, I know our plan to buy a dinosaur with a bar on the back is cool, but it's the module giving us this gold, not the DM.  We should probably outfit ourselves with it.
DM: He's right, it's not my idea.
TABLE: Oh. [shops]

ICARUS: I find the guy, that I flipped off, and I flip him off again!

LESHY: Monkle and I get drunk!
DM: How drunk?
LESHY: What's Monkle's Fortitude again?

DM: "Bless your hearts!"
TAMIEN: Dont you mean, hearrrrts?
DM: "I'm not a pirate captain!"
TAMIEN: Aw.

DM: "And you, what is your name?"
TABLE: BIRD-MAN!
MAYA: Heh.

----------


## AdmiralCheez

"Seven years of bad luck? I don't believe in such nonsense."
*attacks cursed mirror, rolls a 1*
"Besides, I'm full of luck!"
*uses lucky feat to reroll, rolls another 1*

----------


## dunfluff

LONJI: OH MY GOD! THERE ARE BEGGARS IN THE CELLAR!
ALUM: OLD PEOPLE!  :Small Eek: 

Horell: Oh my god, were going to die! were usually not this competent.

Alum: (OOC) I´m not a humanoid.
GM: (OOC) Hes a naked outsider.
Group: (OOC) Naked outsider!!!???
GM: (OOC) I said native! 

GM: Your both doing the fish version of the running man.

GM: Youre like the vegan version of cannibals.

To Sanani: i´ll catch you.
The dragon: Ok. (trust fall)
 :Small Eek: 

The dragon had a knitting meeting to get back to.
It then comes back with a posse of old ladies.
The old ladies are also dragons.

Sasani: Summon another lizard to ram it!
Alum: I still have the first lizard to ram it.
Lonji: This is the best use of summon monster ever!
GM: This is the reason dinosaurs are extinct.

Alum: Throwing dinosaurs at problems ´til they go away.

Horell: I swear, if I ever have to fight against another dragon, Im gonna need a potion of heroin.
You mean a potion of heroism?
Horell: that as well.

I think your being a bit judgmental.
I think YOUR a bit mental.
Hey!

Horell: (curse word here), I´m gonna have to play the hero again dont I?

Lonji: I use my personality, so I only have 2 left.
Alun: you get less and less schizophrenic as the fight goes on?

GM: They eat souls.
Alum: Well we have spare shoes.
Lonji: But I like my shoes.

----------


## bc56

Solas: I am a human compact mirror!

Kit: After witnessing a weird ritual murder-suicide, I think this is a good place to end the session.

----------


## DigoDragon

*Mirror*: "I wrote down '_Intricate sack of grain_' on the sheet."
*Doc*: "Heh heh, sack."

*GM*: "You can't find the light source. You just know that the room is lit."
*Doc* & *Max*: *_giggles_*
*Mirror*: *_mimics taking a puff_*

*Max*: "So what does a Grecian urn?"

*Azriel*: "You don't want to know what I can do with rope."
*Doc*: "Infernal heritage?"
*Azriel*: *_eyebrow waggle_*
*Mirror*: "Oh myyy!"

*Azriel*: "Everyone get behind me!"
*Doc*: "Oh yes, let's all get in _Cone-of-Fire_ formation."  :Small Sigh: 

*Max*: "They pushed the mill wheel into ogre drive."

*Miller the Ogre*: "Oh this is a special day! I must get my special day hat I wear on special days!"

*Mayor*: "So why did you come to me?"
*Doc*: "Dunno. (*_turns to party_*) Why did we come to him?"
*Max*: "We need thieves' tools."
*Mayor*: "And you thought to see me for crooked wares?"
*Mirror*: "Well you *are* a politician."
*Mayor*: "Ouch! Well, touche' m'lady."

*Doc*: "Ugh, what was that stench?"
*GM*: "Well it has dissipated by now."
*Doc*: "No, if the stench was that strong, it's burned into my mind. I need a day to invent new words to describe the new smell I discovered."

*GM*: "Doc, you are petted on the head like a spoiled cat."
*Doc*: "I have mixed feelings about this."

*Max*: "Doors to the left of me, caverns to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you!"

*Doc*: "How did I get assigned lock-picking duty? I'm a doctor, not a rogue."
*_rolls a 20 on open locks, successfully evades the trap_*
*Doc*: "...I'm no less a doctor!"

*Azriel*: "I use my fire breath."
*GM*: "You're gonna catch Max in that cone."
*Azriel*: "Acceptable collateral.

----------


## Telok

Cat: "We got him off E-Bay! Or he got us at a shelter."
Robot: "It was a no kill shelter. I didn't have to kill anyone to get them."
Bug: "That didn't stop you."


Robot: "I am a bad pet owner. I have not spayed or neutered my party members."
NPC: "Do you charge admission or is this more like free theater in the park?"


Robot: "Ok. We kill her sister, blow up the rest of the castle, get the magic rock, go to another plane, shoot her brother with the stunner, kill the annoying brain guy and feed him to the bug. Plan?"
Cat: "My brother might come peacefully. We are rescuing him."
Bug: "We should check if anyone will pay for the brain guy before I eat him."
OOC: "Do we have an info-sphere connection here?"
DM: "No."
Robot: "I can't find anyone online who will pay for him."
Cat: "Bug food it is."
Bug: "I should cook the prions out. Although I do have a good Fortitude save, so raw is an option."
NPC: "You really don't charge admission?"

----------


## Balmas

Blastershell: "No! My carefully constructed plan!"

----------


## ZeroGear

Nova: "I found the manual!"
June: "Bah! Manuals are for losers."
Nova: "There's a warning sticker here. It says: 'Read the manual or the owl will eat you'."
June: "What owl?"
Giant Owl: "Hoot!"

Marv: "A legal loli in a giant mech it trying to Dere me to death. Please help!"

Dan: "Wow, this plan went to pot fast."
MOP: "You know what they say: 'No plan survives contact with the enemy'."
Dan: "We didn't even have contact with the enemy yet."

Nova: "Let's see... I've got coffee, tea..."
NH: "Monster!"
Nova: "Monster?"
Monster: "RAAAAARRRRGHHHH!!!!"
Nova: "MONSTER!"

June: "Oooooh! A matter gun!"
Sexy uncle voice: *YOU HAVE GREAT POWER, USE IT WISELY*
June: "...for about two seconds I went completely straight."

Dan: "Can you describe the monster?"
Nova: "It was a one-eyed..."
NH: "One-horned..."
Nova: "Flying purple people eater!"
NH: "Sure looked strange to me!"

Marv: "What are you eating?"
Nova: "Pudding. Yum!"
*meanwhile*
Random Minion: "MY PUDDING! NOOOOOO!"

----------


## DeTess

Two quotes I encountered while going through my notes for my currently running campaign:

"No, we won't sell the kobolds cocaine."

"It's okay, the predator-drone will find us again and we'll kill it properly then."

----------


## Guizonde

> "No, we won't sell the kobolds cocaine."


obviously not, they use magic mushrooms!

question to my dm:

me:if i want to do a boardslide using my mount, is it still a "ride" check?
dm: i hate you... yes it is.

dm: so the guards are playing a game on a table.
me: is it pen and paper?
dm: i smell recursion.
me: so the guards are playing a game on a table.
dm: guizonde!

----------


## jdizzlean

DM: a wall of fire springs up around the  BBEG
Sorc: I cast control winds, and force the heat back thru the wall onto said BBEG
DM:  _what?_

----------


## Guizonde

leon: what the hell is that junkie on?!
nick: drugs.
leon: *glare*
nick: *grins innocently*
dm: ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer...

*giant demon appears*
barraz: that's gonna take a lot of killing.
dm: and the "captain obvious award" goes to....

----------


## Feddlefew

*Wizard:* I mean I was going to kill [NPC] if the dragon hadn't killed him first.
*DM:* But I thought everyone loved [NPC]?!
*Table:* NO.
*Wizard:* .... Was everyone planing to kill [NPC]?
*Druid:* When he betrayed us.
*Paladin:* Yes.
*Barbarian:* I thought about it.
*Sorceress:* I was going to pin [_Capital Crime Committed by Party_] on him.
*Monk:* I poisoned his flask.

*Spoiler: Context*
Show

From a campaign postmortem.

----------


## TheYell

OOC

MAYA: Do we know you're a changeling?
BAMBI: Sure, why?
MAYA: The dragon's undercover, the kitsune's undercover, the shifter is posing as a leshy, the witch/rogue's an enigma,      I don't know who's what to me anymore.
BAMBI: Sure, I'm open about it.
MAYA: Good.
BAMBI: Backstory won't kick in til about Level 17 though.
MAYA: Gah! I'm--BIRDMAN. No secrets!

----------


## CrazyPenguin

*Goochie:* "I drop to all fours, skitter under the table, and [inhuman shrieking]"

*Goochie:* "I'm going upstairs to take a bubble bath."
*DM:* "You've just led five people to their deaths, killed dozens more, and allowed the villain you were chasing to escape."
*Goochie:* "And I'm covered in blood! Gotta get clean and decompress, dude."

*Fishnet:* "Oh, this is Goochie, by the way."
*DM:* "You see a kobold sitting in a bucket of soap bubbles like Geralt of Rivia."
*Yotrix:* "Can we go somewhere else? Somewhere without that lizard?"

*DM:* "You follow the piss footsteps."

*DM:* "Ghost, as midnight approaches, you prepare to hear the words of your patron."
*Hotline the Magic Sword:* "Hey f***o! Nice job you didn't do! 'Hey everybody, look at me, I'm Ghost! Today I fell in a hole and wandered around the woods for six hours! I'm so cool!'"

*Goochie:* "Can L'Oreal help me with this?"
*DM:* "How would a fox help you pick a lock?"
*Goochie:* "I need a boost to reach it."
*DM:* "Fair enough."

*DM:* "We got so bored waiting for you we started to smash-or-pass the _Monster Manual_."
*Yotrix:* "_Husband Handbook_."
*DM:* "It's _Boyfriend Brochure_ and that's final. We are not having this argument again."

*DM:* "...but I'm looking for a dragon who'll love and support me, y'feel? The kind of dragon you can have a relationship with, maybe build a family. You just don't get that with chromatics."

*DM:* "You had me at 'summon tentacle'"

*DM:* "Everyone always talks about bards, but you really want to be a paladin for that sort of thing. A bard gets one look at the 'frightful presence' and nopes out of there, but a paladin's committed. And immune to the frightened condition."

*Fishnet:* "You're a little too enthusiastic about the tentacle monsters."

*DM:* "You drop down the chimney and see a human man standing in the middle of the room. He freezes, a sandwich in one hand and a rock in the other."
*Goochie:* "I also freeze."
*DM:* "Does a 13 hit your AC?"
*Goochie:* "Yeah?"
*DM:* "Roll a die and tell me if it's even or odd."
*Goochie:* "Odd?"
*DM:* "You get hit in the face with a sandwich."

*Goochie:* "I got hammed!"
*Limerick:* "What?"
*Goochie:* "HAMMED!"
*Limerick:* "By who?"
*Goochie:* "A guy! I think he was also breaking in, cause he hammed me instead of calling the cops."
*Limerick:* "This town has cops?"
*Goochie:* "It must!"
*Limerick:* "I thought it was all 'frontier justice' and that's why we founded a militia and killed all those dudes."
*Goochie:* "So we're the cops?"
*Limerick:* "Then why are we breaking into the mayor's house?"

*DM:* "You see Goochie and some guy having a standoff in the mayor's back yard. Also the house is on fire."
*Ghost:* "I cast _mind spike_ on the guy!"
*Party:* "WHAT!?"
*Ghost:* "It'll let me know where he is for an hour! So he can't get away! Anyway that's 17 points of damage."
*DM:* "He lets out a horrifying shriek and collapses as blood pours from his eyes, nose, and ears."
*beat*
*Fishnet:* "We were... trying to capture him."
*Ghost:* Oops.

*Mayor:* "MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE! THERE'S A DEAD BODY ON MY LAWN! AHHH!"
*Ghost:* "I cast _suggestion_ and say 'Don't be mad!'"
*beat*
*Literally Everyone:* "WHY DIDN'T YOU USE THAT ON THE GUY WE WERE TRYING TO CAPTURE?"

*Yotrix:* "I'll help put out the fire. But not, like, really. I'll put out some small bits and stuff but I'm not doing anything hard. Just enough to look good."

*Yotrix:* "I need somewhere distinctive to bury this corpse so I can find it later."
*Fishnet:* "So you can rob the grave more easily, you mean."
*DM:* "It's not grave robbing if you're the one who buried the corpse. 
*Fishnet:* "It really is."
*DM:* "Nah! It's like a pirate going back for his buried treasure."

----------


## DigoDragon

*Azriel*: "I have the figure of an 18-year old."
*Charity*: "Well give it back, you're stretching it out."

*GM*: "It's a silver holy symbol on a leather thong."
*Everyone*: "Not it!"

*Max*: "We have... (*_adds up loot values_*) ...a crap-ton of stuff."

*GM*: "What became of the egg?"
*Mirror*: "Charity and I are taking turns caring for it."
*Doc*: "They're not yolking around in their duties."

*GM*: "Are you going to dip into barbarian or not?"
*Doc*: "Do it. It's all the rage."

*Charity*: "Oh good, you're fighting evil in your birthday suit."
*Mirror*: "Please put on pants before fighting crime today."

*Azriel*: "Okay, let's do this carefully, and quietly..."
[Beat]
*Azriel*: "I cast _Eldritch Blast_."

*Doc*: "Do dolphins wear pants? No, but they would if they could of!"

*Doc*: "I got an 18 on my Knowledge (Nature) check."
*GM*: "You have nature skills?"
*Doc*: "I'm a bard. I have *ALL* the skills."

*Mayor*: "Enjoy the refreshments, but don't touch the books. My bodyguards are rather salacious over the privacy of my personal artistic library."
*Max*: "Porn collection, gotcha."

*Barkeep*: "What color is your dragon?!"
*Max*: "She's a red. Possibly a Sagittarius."
*Barkeep*: "She better not burn down my tavern!"
*Azriel*: *_bursts through the door_* "You need wider doors."
*Max*: "That wasn't burning down your tavern, so you know."
*Barkeep*: "Grrr, fine, fine. What'll you have?"
*Azriel*: "Fire whisky."

*Doc*: "Let's not and say we didn't."

*Doc*: "I'm gonna need coffee. Lot's of coffee."
*Mirror*: "I leave the room to fetch him some coffee."
[Beat]
*Mirror*: "I come back into the room and get dressed first."

----------


## DeTess

> *Azriel*: "Okay, let's do this carefully, and quietly..."
> [Beat]
> *Azriel*: "I cast _Eldritch Blast_."


Oof, that reminds me. This is from a game a year or 2 ago, so I'm paraphrasing somewhat.

*DM:* You've flown to the top of the tower. there's two guards standing watch, looking away from you. They haven't noticed you yet.
*Me, a Bardlock:* Okay, I need to take these guys down quick and quietly so we can get the rest of the party up here... Oh, I know. Are they standing near the edge of the tower?
*DM:* Yes?
*Me, a Bardlock:* Okay, I fire one eldritch blast at each of them. *rolls dice* They both get hit, but more importantly, I've got repelling blast, knocking them both off the tower. It's quick, efficient and most importantly: stealthy!
*DM:* Yeah, about that...
*Guards:* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah *splat*

----------


## ZeroGear

Nova: "They found us! Run!"
Minion 1: "Get back here and stop making this difficult!"
Minion 2: "And give back my pudding!"

NH: "I think the toaster is a psychopath."
June: "Why would you say that?"
Psycho Toaster (PT): "SOON THE WORLD WILL BURN IN ATOMIC FIRE! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

Dan: "I'm blaming you for this."
Marv: "Me? You were the one that tripped the alarm!"
Dan: "You were the one that bumped into me!"
Marv: "You were the one that grabbed my coat! Now we're stuck here!"
MoP: "I'm blaming both of you, now shut up and fix this!"

NH: "You know, you seem pretty angry for a toaster."
PT: "You'd have a lot of anger too if you were stuck here with HIM all day!"
NH: "Who? The other toaster?"
Cheerful Toaster (CT): "Hi there! Want some toast?"
PT: "NO! They don't want some toast!"
CT: "How 'bout a muffin?"
PT: "Or muffins!"
CT: "Ah! Waffles it is then!"
PT: "Shut up already! I swear to the great creator, I will find some way over there and strangle you with your own electrical chord!"
CT: "Can I ask them a question?"
NH: "Uh... sure?"
CT: "Want some toast?"
PT: "AAAaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!"

Marv: "What kind of nutcase has a ball pit in the middle of their base?"
Dan: "The kind that organized Dashcon."

NH: "I just know this is a disaster waiting to happen."
June: "Oh come on, what could possibly go wrong?"
PT, now as the OS of a gatling laser: "Soon the world will BURN! Ahahahahaha!"

Nova: "Hi guys!"
Dan: "I'm not even going to ask. Would you like some help?"
Nova: "Yes please. Preferably before they come back to Shounen-ai me to death."
Dan: "... I don't even want to know how that works."

----------


## NecessaryWeevil

DM: How does Whisper stake out the tavern?
Whisper: I sit outside and pretend to be a beggar. It's how I spent my childhood, after all.
DM: Okay, roll Deception or, I guess, Performance.
Whisper: 19.
DM: Whisper goes unnoticed as a plant.
Whisper: Well, I *am* a Druid...

----------


## DigoDragon

*Spoiler: Responses*
Show




> *Guards:* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah *splat*


Heh heh, didn't think that idea through.  :Small Amused: 





> Psycho Toaster (PT): "SOON THE WORLD WILL BURN IN ATOMIC FIRE! MUAHAHAHAHA!"


Oh I know this reference! :D
Best part of OWB.



*Doc*: "I guess I just have a lovable buttery-flavored body scent."

----------


## TheYell

MAYA: What did I do to him?
BAMBI: You threatened to summon dolphins. (pirate accent) That be unlucky.
MAYA: Heh.


OOC
BAMBI: She's banned drow poison for this campaign.
DM:  Not for the campaign, I said it didn't make sense for your backstory.
BAMBI: "I was a slave concubine in a drow munitions factory--"
DM: Yeah. No.


BAMBI: I got a natural 20.
DM: On loading barrels?
BAMBI: No, on singing a work chanty!
ATHENA: Hi ho/hi ho/it's off to work we go


MORAVI: _message_ "Are you ok?"
ICARUS: "help i'm being killed"
MORAVI: "you want me down there?"
ICARUS: ..."no stay away. Seriously?"


MAYA: You have a Bag of Holding AND a Haversack?
ICARUS: Yeah.
MAYA: Why?
BAMBI: Because dragon, that's why.
DM: I like that answer.


BAMBI: Gimme a DC 17 Will Save.
MORAVI: 18.
BAMBI: Oops.  She beat my mind reader power.
DM: You know she tried to read your mind.
MORAVI: <glares>
BAMBI: Sorry. Needed practice.


MORAVI: Gimme a perception check.
BAMBI: 9.
MORAVI: Sorry, you don't see anything.
BAMBI: See what?
MORAVI: Nothing. I needed practice.
BAMBI: <drinks spiked drink, shrinks to Small>


DM: She offers to buy you a dinner of your choice at her favorite tavern.
TAMIEN: This is like the 3rd time a woman has bought me a dinner--
DM: It's not a date!  Again!


OOC 
BAMBI: I was like, totally, going to have, my character voice, be a Valley Girl accent, but, like, the whole table, would kill me?
DM: Yeah!


OOC
BAMBI: And then the dragon would be in the arena between them and the door, and eat them, while I eat bonbons and watch.
DM:  Yeah. No.
BAMBI: OK but if I drop the mindscape idea, do I also skip _mindscape door_?   Are you going to throw a mindscape at us?
DM:  ...maybe.
BAMBI:  :o


OOC:
ICARUS: Can we all use the _mindscape door_?
BAMBI: Yes but I have to persuade you to see it.  Only I know it's there, you have to be persuaded you're in a Freddy Krueger nightmare and can walk out.
ICARUS: :o


DM: I'm looking up a lady.
BAMBI: A woman or a lady?
DM: A lady.
BAMBI: I get my mom on that, she's like, "We have a ladies luncheon," and I'm like, "A ladies luncheon or a women's luncheon", and she says "Shut up.
ATHENA: I'm with your mom.  Just shut up.

----------


## dunfluff

GM: When I search rhino all I find is cows and guns.

Lonji: I am scienticifik.

GM: its only significantly bigger than you.

Alum: We reached peak nastiness.
Horell: Well we are on the top off the world.
Alum: We have to rise above such things.

Lonji: They have already died once. And then they get to come back.
Alum: They are sore loosers.

Lonji: I think its blind
Monster: Bold of you to assume I need to see
Alum: To bad cause then you would be able to see this coming
!!Rhinoceros!!

Scar: I apparently speak giant
GM: No. thats just you shouting loudly.

Lonji: Some people go on epic adventure and fight epic monsters. We just sit around offending everyone and epic monsters get angry at us.

GM: Oh. I forgot that you have the plague.
Lonji: Wait! I have the plague? Why does nobody ever tell me anything!

GM: The stone slabs are not impressed by your personality

Alum: Im a firing my lazer at the bonenado!

GM: You take 18 dmg
Sasani: Thats fine
Horell: You dont have a lot of fine left

GM: What is your blood type?
Alum: B positive
Lonji: I'm trying!

Scar: Well Im REALLY good at swimming, and they are really tiny.

GM: Its like watching an alligator fighting babies.

Alum: I like having artifice spells, Im gona start collecting blueprints so that if we ever get some downtime I can conjure up a village.

Alum: Is he just a Shepard or is he a spy? or as they are also called... a Shepherds pie 

Horell: So instead of a stone person in metal armor, youre a stone person in stone armor?
Alum: Or as it is also called... a larger stone person.

GM: You think you hear someone shouting in cloud giant, except its higher pitched.
Horell: Helium giants!

Alum: Can I have control of the moo?
GM: so you can moove it?

GM: The spider bites your arm and you feel your biceps starting to swell from the poison. (make a fort save)
Lonji: (28) I flex the poison out of my arm.

GM: Yes. the rhinoceros is known for their athletics and dexterity

Alum: GIVE ME ANOTHER COW

GM: It would be very difficult to reach in through all the branches
Horell: Well... I am experienced in tree crashing

Alum: A cloud giant walks into a bar. We dont serve giants here. Thats ok, are the humans fresh?

Alum: it has the asspitts of a troll
GM: ASPECTS!

Lonji: i poke it... with intent.

----------


## ZeroGear

Dan: "Wait... I feel a disturbance in the force. As if something really annoying is about to happen..."
Voice Echoing over PA system: "Oohohohoho!"
Dan: "DAMMIT!"

Marv: "Funny as it may be, I doubt peeing in a portal is a good idea."
Nova: "Oh come on, what's the worst that could happen?"
Marv: "[Dong] go boom."
Nova: "SWEET MERCIFUL [savior]!"

NH: "Please get those jumper cables way from my horn, I'm not a walking batterie."
June: "You never know unless you try!" OwO

MoP: "I didn't know a roomba could support this much weight."
Dan: "So this is why cats love these."

NH: "Please stop playing with the portal gun, I'm getting motion sick."

Nova: "I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE!"

Marv: "We're doomed."

----------


## NRSASD

Cypress: "Are you kidding me? Look at us, we're all fully clothed."

Damodar: "Why are you rolling a survival check in the city?"
Elizabeth: "... are you naked?"

Cypress: "You could change the world."
Damodar: "Once per short rest."

Cypress: "Did you guys know the world is bigger than I thought?"

----------


## gmoyes

From a Hc Svnt Dracones (cyberpunk furries) game
*Spoiler: Characters* 
Show

Blitzkrieg (me), female lateral black jaguar, a notable gladiator style fighter who was kicked out on the street by her sponsor while they claim she is on vacation. The rest of the party was hired by a mysterious benefactor to get her back on her feet.
Buckeye, male deer, a bored rich kid with a talent for engineering. Knew Blitzkrieg before being hired because he work on gladiator arena hazards.
G.I.T.S., male micro bat, hacking and infiltration specialist, 
has narcolepsy because his player has a less reliable schedule than the rest of us.
Acko, female otter, sniper/spotter, partner of GITS, mostly in it for the money,  has an obsession with bubblewrap. 


Blitzkrieg: I'd give you a hand, but it appears you already have it.
Buckeye: You might say that. *pulls out an arm that was jamming a sawblade*

Blitzkrieg: Ok, Buckshot here is my engineering crew, what are you, my medical team?
GITS and Acko: *Silence*
Blitzkrieg: PR team?
GITS and Acko: *silence*
Blitzkrieg: *sigh* This going to go well. Well, what is your job then?
Acko: We're infiltration specialists.
Blitzkrieg: *looks between the 4 foot tall otter and half foot tall bat* Apparently this is my security detail.

Blitzkrieg: So with Bucky running stuff and Tiny being too small, that makes you my sparring partner.
Acko: Uh, I guess- *gets pounced*

GM: After knocking out the robot that just mauled Buckeye half to death, you realize that fighting like this was Blitzkrieg's day job.
Blitzkrieg: *smirk* Yep, so don't try to take it from me.
Buckeye: *groan* You can have it.

Blitzkrieg: So are you two twins or what?
Identical Scientist 1: *slips a card in her pocket* Call this number if you figure it out.
Identical Scientist 2: *slips a second card in a different pocket* And call this if you don't.
Blitzkrieg: I'm ok with this.
Buckeye: Come on dude, there is two of them, share!

*after a hectic fight scene, the a mad drive with a ticking timebomb in the back of a truck*
Blitzkrieg: Hey Bucky, you still bored?
Buckeye: *wearily flips bird*

Blitzkrieg: So, how did you two meet?
GM: *cue mini adventure that is a series of failures that end up explaining Acko's bubblewrap addiction*
Blitzkrieg: This is what was hired for me?

Acko: *misses half a dozen shots with a grappling hook*
Blitzkrieg: Our sniper, everyone. 
Acko: Shut up.
Blitzkrieg: Just saying, you're worth every penny I spent.

Blitzkrieg: *looks between the half dead Buckeye and mostly dead Acko* Despite what it seems, we're hiring you to be _my_ medic.

I'm having fun channeling my inner Roy.

----------


## Guizonde

me (ooc): serve me a glass that requires a fortitude save!
dm: uh.... 
free: make that two!
dm: guys, we're not even playing tonight!
peanut gallery: found the geeks and party animals!

----------


## TheYell

GM: You know the Pathfinders collect and preserve rare artifacts from around the planet in security.
BAMBI: So they're like fighting and shouting "It belongs in a museum!"


TAMIEN: May we see the method by which you will preserve the sword while we consider the matter? Just so we know its safe?
GM: "You understand that we have many dangerous items and for the security of our facility I prefer not to disclose any of our methods of disposal of those dangerous items.  I'm sorry."
BAMBI: They're probably playing with them in their underwear.
TAMIEN: Lightsaber boy nyarmnyarmnyarm.


ICARUS: I show her the box it came in.
MARA: I left that in the vault.
ICARUS: I took it anyway!
MARA: Why?
TAMIEN: It's worth more in the original packaging.


GM: He leads you up a flight of stairs--
ICARUS: I seriously want to stab this guy.
BAMBI: You could stab him in the butt!
GM: I'm reading! And if you miss details you'll be sorry!


ICARUS: I complain to the manager.
MORAVI: [OOC] Please don't, I deal with that all week.
ICARUS: Well deal with it here! I am appalled! I was given a boobytrapped box and that's the fourth time this week!
GM: "But...you just checked in sir"
ICARUS: I didn't say here!


TAMIEN: I spark a cigar.
ICARUS: Light mine!
BAMBI: Aren't you too young to smoke tobacco?
ICARUS: I'm a 52 year old dragon.
BAMBI: Ah, gotta be 18 for tobacco.  But are you smoking in front of your guardian?
GM: Ordrani says "I shall inform your father"


GM: And what do you do?
BAMBI: I'm ducking people I know in Magnimar.  I go back to the hotel.
GM: Oh. Alone?
BAMBI: Sure, why not?
GM: Well, I just had planned you all be back there together.
TAMIEN: Roll up a new character.
GM: That isn't a bad idea.
BAMBI:...

----------


## uraniumdragon

Cootchie-cootchie-coo! *tickles the flaming skull*
Nooooo! Humor, my only weakn *explodes*

Ketchup is the devils barbecue sauce!!!

----------


## Avista

Party loot: x1 small child.

Player who couldn't make it to the session: "...what?"

----------


## Lord Raziere

Ancient robot: "WARNING! NEW PRIMORDIAL FORCE DETECTED: CANDY CANE FIRE."

----------


## ZeroGear

Nova: "Grab everything you can! Stuff my pants if you have to!"

June: "Segway chase scene!"
NH: "Laaaaammmmeeee!"

Dan: "Roombas are not meant to go twenty miles an hour!"
MoP: "It's like riding the world's tiniest rollercoaster."

Nova: "And we make a clean getaway!"
Marv: "At least until something stupid happens."
Nova: "Dammit! Now you jinxed it!"
Ambient voice: "Ohohohohohoho!"
Nova: "DAMMIT"

June: "I can't be seen like this!"
NH: "Why?"
June: "I'm naked!"
NH: "So what? I'm naked all the time."

Anastasia: "Is that everything?"
Marv: "Pretty much."
Nova: "Yeah, you got it all."
Anastasia: "I don't believe you. Victor! Make sure they aren't hiding anything else. Be through!"
*Ominous rubber snapping sound*

Dan: "You look ridiculous."
June: "They were the only clothes I could find! Give me a break!"
NH: "I still don't see why this is such a big deal."
June: "Night, for the sake of argument, how would you feel if someone shaved off all the hair on your body?"
NH: "... I see your point."

Nova: "We just got strip searched by the Hulk with a catcher's mitt!"

Anastasia: "Just submit already! Join my army, and be a part of something greater!"
Nova: "You've got nothing we want!"
Anastasia: "We have cookies."
Nova: "Ngh..."
Anastasia: "A full health plan including dental."
Dan: "Urgh..."
Anastasia: "Access to fully stocked laboratories and research stations."
June: "Ahh..."
Anastasia: "Access to portal technology."
NH: "..."
Anastasia: "And for a limited time new hires get a free loli."
*beat*
Marv: "...why are you all looking at me?"

NH: "Fresh air? A clear sky? Green fields? We're in Equestrian! Finally, normality!"
Dan: "Is that pink cloud raining chocolate milk?"
NH: "Normality!"

----------


## Telok

DM: <stuff>, plus there's a small group of about twenty assorted Elven Imperial Navy ships in-system. Mostly a mix of transports and cruisers, but there's one Armada class carrier.
P1: Crap! What are they doing here?
DM: Buying the combined output of every arms and mil-tech manufacturer in the star system for the next two months.
P1: Wha?
P2: Preparing for the war.
P1: What war?
P3: The one we started.
P1: Bwuh?
P4: That's why I had the ship repainted.
P1: What can we do?
P3: Not look like a Gehenna Ordinator ship that mostly blew up a EIN base.
P4: Hence the paint job.

----------


## TheYell

(As the party members return one at a time to the hotel, a ninja assassinates them in their sleep.  The fourth member notices him)
MORAVI: This is like the worst day!
BAMBI: [OOC] I can name 3 people who are having a worse time than you.


BAMBI: From the way you described it last week, 'I die from going to the hotel room alone', I thought it was a bomb.
DM: OOOOOOOOOH Good one!
BAMBI: "Nah nah this clock is all wrong, it's midnight now, lemme just move the hands on this thing--"


BAMBI: So I'm in Hell, and Tamien pops up, and I'm like, "Coup de grace in your sleep, right?"


DM: Dead people: do you want to play a guard?
BAMBI: Why, so you can kill us again this session?
DM: I have red-shirt miniatures!


BAMBI: (reading guard stats)  Says I give a +2 to perception checks in the city by sharing tricks, tips, and local customs.  (Boston cop accent) Dey come in da windaw, sometimes, an kill errybody.  Dats one ting ya gotta watch out for.


TAMIEN:[OOC] I'm sorry, I only packed one javelin.  I couldn't have thrown a second.
BAMBI: You're that crazy cop who packs extra heat.
TAMIEN: I only do it cause my partner died from not having a backup!


TAMIEN:  I married a girl I met on the beat...she was a Scarzani refugee, down in the poor district...we'd sit up nights after my patrol...[continues literally five minutes improvising a backstory for his NPC]
ICARUS: [throws a pointy D4, hard]


ICARUS: Who are you?
BAMBI/ABEL: I am Abel Xerxes, paladin of Ragathiel.  My mystery cult sent me to warn you: we have received a holy vision that an evil cult will attempt to slay you all in this hotel!
ICARUS:  That just happened last night!
ABEL: Dammit not again! They're always one step ahead!


ICARUS:  You have failed, you're a failure, go home to your wife and kids, thanks but no thanks, your god obviously doesn't like you...
DM: "No, we need all the aid we can get."

----------


## canana

> TAMIEN:  I married a girl I met on the beat...she was a Scarzani refugee, down in the poor district...we'd sit up nights after my patrol...[continues literally five minutes improvising a backstory for his NPC]
> ICARUS: [throws a pointy D4, hard]


Tamien takes 1d4 damage.

----------


## Bromley20

Cleric: Where are we going to buy a stick? We aren't going to find a shop all the way out here 
Sorcerer: Sticks grow on trees!!! What kind of orphanage did you grow up in?

Fighter: I am David, son of Solomon
Guard: I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. Not on the list

Assassin: If you see this woman, let us know. We would like to kill her for your protection

Paladin: Are you the ones who have framed my wife of being a necromancer? The ones who chased her, and tried to murder her last night?
Dragonfire Adept: Yeah probably

Assassin: (on verge of tears OOC) We can try to talk things out guys. We don't need to kill another family. She just wanted to save her daughter

Bard: *Screams as he catches fire*
Assassin: cwispy

Cleric: Didn't we kill this guy like 3 times already? How many times before he gets over his dead family?
DM: Considering you framed and killed his wife, killed his recently revived daughter, beat him unconscious, poured alchemist fire down his throat, kicked him into a chasm, and left him for dead? At least 1 more time.
Cleric: Oh boy. Here we go killing again...

DM: You know you have a room at the inn like 2 blocks away, right?
Healer: I'm committed to my fellow hobos. I must gain their trust
Rest of party: *chants "HOBO CULT" ominously*

Healer: *Cracks knuckles* I guess it's time for the emergency healing stash. Hold my berries *begins bleeding profusely*

Healer: (OOC) I can cast mending 9 times, the cleric can cast it 7 times, and the sorcerer can cast 11 times. How much with that get us?

DM: Fighter, what do you do during the wait?
Fighter: I would like to contemplate the existence of my tongue. Isn't it weird we have a meat tentacle in a bone cage in our face?
DM: *rolls dice* You aren't quite sure, but you think you may have dropped your tongue during the trip over here

Healer: Not this time. The harmonica can only be used to play the song of my people
Sorcerer: Halflings?
Healer: Hobos

Healer's Guild Employee: NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T BLEED WHEN THEY HEAL PEOPLE
Healer: So... Does this mean I'm in the guild now?

DM: You guys have kidnapped one guy and murdered another. Why can't you just be normal people for once?
Healer: I'd like to correct that statement. We kidnapped 2 guys, murdered 1, and convinced another to kill someone. So technically 2 and 2 there

Healer: How else would they react when a hobo walks up, start bleeding and glowing, cures them, gives _them_ food, and walks away without a word?

----------


## Guizonde

player: i was conceived in a baseball field, so technically, i am a son of a pitch.

dm: how the hell do you discreetly murder someone with a hand grenade?!

dm: i'm not saying this campaign will be brutal. i'm just saying cannibal corpse could use it as lyrics.

(all ooc)
lucii: can we play soon? i'm itching to figure out how to kill more people with my fat stacks of cash.
militia: welp, we've got a thingy here called a blunderbuss.
lucii: wait. i can kill people with money from a distance?!
dm: you know, you could always just hire a hitman at this point.
lucii: what about slavery?
dm: legal in some jurisdictions.
louka: what kind of game have i walked into?!
belsunce: you've got a jetpack and you saw me rip the spine out of a rat-ogre bare-handed. the medic molested a corpse. the friggin' ninja has a 4th wall breaking narration. figure it out.




> Originally Posted by Guizonde
> 
> 
> monk: dude, it takes training to break rocks.
> josé: no, it takes steel-toed boots!
> 
> 
> Best one out of the stack. That's a PC that's going to go far and then die a horrible death. :D


just noticed it rereading the old thread, but digo totally called it!

----------


## DigoDragon

> just noticed it rereading the old thread, but digo totally called it!


Huh, that was unexpected. :3


(_Finally had a session!_)

*GM*: "I decided to get fit by doing crunches--Captain in the morning and Nestle in the evening."

*Mirror*: "The worst part was the mutant monkey that poisoned us."
*Doc*: "Yeah, that was a fun time... except for the mutant monkey that poisoned us part."
*GM*: "It was for me."

*Azriel*: *_Drinking wine for breakfast_*
*Max*: "Isn't it a bit early?"
*Azriel*: "It's 5 o'clock somewhere."
*Max*: "Yeah, but PM, not AM."

*Max*: "Do you *have* to obey the law of the letter?"

*Mirror*: "If this works, it will help us on our quest."
*Charity*: "I don't like that vague conjunction word '*If*'."
*Azriel*: "This is a really bad idea, and *I* took a pact with a demon."

*Mirror*: "I will go breading myself in baby powder now."
*Charity*: "Uh, are you gonna stop her, dad?"
*Doc*: "Let's not talcum 'bout it just yet."

*Doc*: "Seriously, why is the *Bard* the responsible one in this party?"

*Max*: (*_singing*_) "It's shower time, for flower time..."
*GM*: "I hate you."
*Doc*: "Max, don't rain on his parade."
*Max*: "You know he'll deluge us with pain anyway."
*Doc*: "That would precipitate malice."

*Mirror*: "I will rage like Wesley Snipes on Halloween!"

*Doc*: (*_crits on a crossbow attack_*) "20 damage."
*GM*: "That bolt just flew up its butt and out the left eyeball."
*Max*: "Ouch! right up Main Street."
*Doc*: "I'm not retrieving that bolt."

*GM*: "Roll Arcana."
*Doc*: "Nine."
*Max*: "Ten."
*Doc*: "Show off."

*GM*: "Max, the wolves have some kind of fiendish connection."
*Doc*: "Hahaha!"
*Max*: "What's so funny?"
*Doc*: "Don't you see? The pack has a pact!"

*Max*: "Who wants to tell the farmers the news?"
*Mirror*: "I will cut a paw and show the father proof."
*Doc*: "You'll show the pa a paw?"
*GM*: "I'm invoking the cruel and unusual punishment clause in the Geneva Convention with your jokes."

*GM*: "Okay, initiative order. Who's on first?"
*Entire party*: "Yes."
*GM*: "..."
*Max*: "Sometimes his wife comes to pick up the check."
*Charity*: "Who's wife?"
*Doc*: "Well why not, she's entitled to it."
*GM*: "..."

----------


## Telok

Bug: "So are we breaking in, or pretending to be slave traders?"
Robot: "I'm not pretending."


Hag npc: "If I give you the stone will you go away without breaking anything else?"
Cat: "The human comes with us too."
Robot: "I need it for my breeding program. And call me if you get any walrus people in stock."
Humie npc: "Wait, what? I never agreed to-"
Robot: "Humans and dragons breed with anything. If I'm going to cross walrus people with centaur murder Gumbys then I'll need a vector."


Cat: "I am not letting you neuter me. You don't even have ranks in medicine."
Robot: "I'll fix that on level up. Besides, the bug can cast cure spells."
Bug: "I'm not letting you neuter me either."
Robot: "You guys are forcing me to be an irresponsible pet owner!"


(It started as a joke but by now the 'bot has a full blown delusion of being a pet owner for the rest of the party.)

----------


## sengmeng

Baendrag: We'll have to huddle together for warmth, or die. I, for one, choose death.
Rest of party: *agrees*

----------


## Luckmann

M: _Stop peeling my skin off._

----------


## ZeroGear

Rarity: "My Celestia, those clothes are FILTHY! Off with them at once!"
Nova: *begins stripping*
Marv, June, and Dan: "NO!"
NH: "You humans and your clothing obsession."

NH: "WHAT DID YOU DO?"
Nova: "She said she was thirsty?"
NH: "And you gave her a Surge? After what it did to me?"
Nove: "Um...oops?"
Pinkie Pie: "Wowthisstuffisamazing.IbetIcangetsomanythingsdone  ,wowIwondrhowfastthisstuffmakesme?Oh!IbetI'mfaster  thanRainbowDashrightnow!MaybeIshoulddropbyandseeif  shewantstoracemeandseewhoisfaster...."

Cesetia: "That certainly explains the extra large cake in the palace courtyard."
NH: "It was my fault princess, I should have kept a better eye on them."
Marv: "Rest assured, he's not allowed near any more energy drinks for the foreseeable future."
Dan: "We've also confiscated the rest of his stash."
June: "And the lovely large blue pony was nice enough to take them off our hands."
*beat*
NH: "Which large blue pony?"
Luna, from the other room: "Huzzah! These are tasty!"

June: "I didn't know the moon could do a summersault."

----------


## Telok

*DM:* (Reading text off a table) Fire comes out of all the orifices of the Psykers body and he melts from the inside, internal organs burning and his skin peeling off in an unnatural crackle. The Psyker falls to the ground and explodes in a burst of flames. The Psyker dies and all players caught in the blast radius of <roll> 19 meters receive <roll> 27 explosion damage and must test Dexterity v 15 or catch fire. If the Psyker was carrying ammunition or grenades, it has 80% chance to explode, as per the grenades or causing an blah blah blah more damage. Please tell me you're carrying grenades?
*Velon:* I got frag missiles.
*DM:* Missiles! How many!?
*Velon:* Uh, four.
*DM:* Scenery damage! Hand me the scatter die.

<a little later>

"The rocket sails through the hole in the station wall, blows a hole in the inflatable habitat, and the ork karaoke bar starts spewing Elvis impersonators into space."

<a little later>

"The daemon lord thinks this is way more fun than just Meteor Storm-ing everyone. That was too easy."

<a little later>

*DM:* The paladin's right arm comes sailing out of the globe of darkness trailing blood. It sails about half way to the far wall, then the howling winds catch it and suck it out into space with the rest of the atmosphere.
*Lobos:* Yeah, I think it's time to run away now. Full auto bolters just annoy him.
*Velon:* Pick up my charcoal on the way out. I burned a hero point to survive.
*DM:* And we now know that if you soak the remains of a vampire in a vat of blood for a month it can come back to life.
*Lobos:* We'll have to have another blood drive on the ship's crew.

----------


## malachi

*Session from 2 weeks ago when I DM'd*
Librarian: "According to this legend, you need a wing that fits inside a shoe that can be stapled to your shoulder."
*beat*
Librarian: "Did I read that wrong?"


Lore: "I interrogate the water!"


Halfling: "I need your hair *points to Bell*, your hair *points to Sleep*, and your saliva *points to Lore*."




*Normal session with normal DM*
Lore: "Why do we have to go back to our slaver?"
Quill: "Employer."
Lore: "We don't have anything left to lose."
Quill: *puts hand on Lore's shoulder* "We still have each other, brother."
*beat*
Lore: "Are you picking up that overworld s***?"
Quill: *breaks out laughing* "I can't believe I kept a straight face for so long!"
Random wizard NPC and rest of party: "Why did the drow walk to the other side of the room and start whispering and laughing?"


Shield: "I think I accidentally killed someone."
Quill: "That doesn't sound like you." *Stares accusingly at Lore*


Quill, monotone: "She's not dead so long as she lives in your heart."
*Shield does nothing*
Quill, monotone: "The power was inside you all along."
*Shield does nothing*
Peanut Gallery: "Use the heart of the cards!"
Quill: "Close your eyes." *beat* "Unlock your inner Alien." *beat* "Stab the cactus."
*much later*
Quill: "Stab the dragon like the cactus!"
Shield: *rolls* "Yay! Just like the cactus!"


Quill: "We're going to die! Get the stuff!"
Bell, IC: *breaks out laughing*

----------


## Miltonian

He really should have invested in a CCTV system for his giant, necromantic doom-snake.

----------


## TheYell

GM: Your second day in the boat is uneventful.
ABEL: kerplunk....kerplunk....kerplunk....kerplunk...
GM: What are you doing?
ABEL: Throwing things overboard, watching the ripples.
NOGGLE: What can I practice my crossbow on without using up bolts?
GM: You mean in front of the captain?
NOGGLE: OK, when she isn't looking.
GM: You mean in front of the crew?
NOGGLE: When they aren't looking.
GM: <grits teeth> You proceed up the river!


CLONE: I walked through a portal, and this happened to me.
NOGGLE: Have you ever tried double dating?


GM: Bambi is off pursuing other adventures.
ABEL: She's a whore to a rich merchant.
BAMBI: It's what I was born to do!
Female Players: Ew.


ABEL: Get the slime ready.
SAP: What is it about this slime anyway?
ABEL: You'll find out. <snickers>
SAP: <ooc?> If this slime goes sideways, I'm punching people in the face.

----------


## DigoDragon

*Mirror*: "Oooh, Doc left me the butt of the meatloaf."
*Charity*: "Uh... what?"
*Mirror*: "When you are older, you will understand why."
*Charity*: "Butts with meatloaf? Again I say--uh... what?"

*Azriel*: "I heal the dog for 9."
*Doc*: "Aww, whose a good warlock? Whose a good warlock?"

*GM*: "The little filly now thinks you're the best thing since spiced ham."
*Doc*: *_imitation fist pump_*

----------


## Frogsama

Fight on a pirate ship against pirates(duh)

**Rogue**: I try to cut the mast with my short sword.
**DM**: uhm.. ok

It's huge so obviously you can't do it with a short sword. You'd need a saw.

The rest fights, rogue doesn't stop.

**DM**: you guys can talk in fight...(incentive that the others tell him to stop the nonsense)

**Rogue**: yea right, awesome! Guys help me saw the mast.

...

----------


## Telok

"We'll move the ship."
"Right. Don't want space herpes."
"I still say we should nuke it from orbit."
"Would that qualify as a civic improvement plan?"

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

*Titus [Commissar]*: I need someplace private that's not far from the Armory. Uh, is there a bathroom nearby?
*Me [GM]*: Yeah. It's a fleet base space station, there's bathrooms all over the place.
*Titus*: Then I duck into the bathroom, lock the stall, and start taking apart the shotgun to find what's inside it.
...several moments, a 1, and a uncontrolled weapons discharge later...
*Me*: Your guardsmen standing guard outside are startled when the report echoes out of the bathroom.
*Titus*: *exits bathroom* "Let's just say the mess deck has some explaining to do."

*Armessar [Ranger]*: I'm going to hide in the toilet so I can see who comes in looking for the shell casing.
*Other Player*: Where are you hiding, in the toilet tank?
*Yet Another Player*: The Eldar have a saying, that sounds very fancy and insightful in their language, but just translates to: "If I fits, I sits."

*Me*: ...and the techpriest leaves the bathroom, and doesn't wash his hands.
*Other Player*: He's the worst kind of Heretic!
*Armessar*: I follow him out.
*Other Player*: Do _you_ wash your hands?
*Armessar*: No.
*Yet Another Player*: The mon-keigh water is just as filthy as the mon-keigh bathroom?

----------


## Mr.Sandman

> Fight on a pirate ship against pirates(duh)
> 
> **Rogue**: I try to cut the mast with my short sword.
> **DM**: uhm.. ok


Please tell me he was blind.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_jyS5uXQer0

----------


## malachi

*Lore*: "We could sell you."
*Captured Bandit*: *matter of fact tone of voice* "Slavery's illegal, you know."



*DM, OOC*: "They're neither strong nor dextrous, smart nor wise."
*Quill, OOC*: "But are they charismatic?"
*DM, OOC*: "No."

----------


## Rater202

"But... Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and bitch? I _eat_ people."

----------


## gmoyes

Blitzkrieg: Well, good news Doc, I found three people for you. I found the friend I was looking for, the guy who set off this powderkeg and a liaison for the hivemind. And they are all right here. *points to Buckeye*
*Every NPC in the room besides the Doc points their guns at Buckeye*

----------


## Matuka

He wore a big, black mechanical suite, over which he had a coat on, and over that he was wearing a bright pink bikini while riding a horse by standing on its back  as if It were a surf board. Yes, this is a thing one of my players decided to do.

----------


## ZeroGear

Gallus: "So, you're from a different world. What's the pay like?"
Dan: "Depends on the job. Right now I'm being payed in survival time."
MoP: "Considering what he's  been through, he owes the reaper quite a debt."

Silverstream: "Oh! Oh! Oh! What is this thing?"
Marv: "That would be my arm."
Silverstream: "Why is it a different color?"
Marv: "Because it's made of metal."
Silverstream: "Why is it made of metal?"
Marv: "Because I lost my real one when some..."
Dan: "Not in front of the kids!"

Psycho Flamethrower: "THE WORLD WILL BURN! MUAHAHAHAHA!"
Smoulder: "I like this thing."
NH: "I'm not sure how to feel about that."

Dan: "Nova... Did you just reflect the dragon's fireball back at it?"
Nova: "Wabba, Wabba, Wabuffet!"

Twilight: "I don't understand! Dragon Lord Ember forbade all dragons from attacking pony towns! No dragon would ever go against the commands of their ruler!"
Dan: "Maybe someone else is controlling it?"
Twilight: "Who would do such a thing?"
Far off echo: "Ooohohohoho!"
Entire group: "Groan."

----------


## TrashTrash

*Spoiler: Characters*
Show


Ea: Tiefling Monk
Ace: Human Fighter
Attix: Dragonborn Rogue
Aries: Cleric (Can't remember race rn)
Timbo: Kobold Druid


DM: "The bandit is scared right now. He scared... out of his... BUTT."

Ea (OOC): "Wait, am I taller than Ace? How tall are you?"
Ace (OOC): "I dunno, like 6'2"?"
Ea (OOC): "Dang, we're the same height."


Ace: "I pick Ea up and restrain her."
Ea: "I try to break his hold so I can continue headbutting Ace."

Timbo: "How many cocaine do I have?"
DM: "First of all, what? Second you have 3 cocaine."

Ea: "I cast Thaumaturgy to yell at Aries that he's taking too long."
Aries: "I begin questioning the Red Mage about his work in detail."

Attix: "I pick up the transient and fly straight up to my max movement distance."
Ea: "While he's gone, and since we're being fast and loose with the technicalities, I cast Thaumaturgy to make myself look like my lower jaw is rotting off to scare the junkie into talking."

DM: "Timbo is so high, he can't move. He also thinks he's in the pocket dimension."
Ea: "I walk past his cell and ignore him."
Aries: "Ditto."
Attix: "Wait, you said he snorted the entire bag?"
DM: "Yes."
Attix: "I also ignore him."
DM: "Dude, that's cold."
Ace: *sigh* "I unlock his cell door and pick him up so we can move on."
DM: "Timbo, roll CON to see if you puke."
*Collective groan*

DM: "Okay, so Ace is in the ring. What will you guys do?"
Attix: "I sneak around the back of the crowd to the grand prize bag."
Ace: "I continue punching the other guy."
Ea: "I try to hide in the crowd so I don't have to fight the other guy." *succeeds* 
Aries: "I stand by Ace's corner of the ring in case he needs healing."
DM: "Ea, you're very sneaky and avoid being noticed. [Attix], what do you do next?"
Attix: "I want to take 30 gold and replace it with 30 silver to make it look the same in the bag." *Rolls nat 20*
DM: *Brief beat* "You steal 100 gold outright and nobody notices."
*Collective cheer*

----------


## Telok

"Painted copper is as good as gold in dim light."
"You're not going to make any friends that way."
"I don't need friends. I still have all my gold."
"The merchants guild might disagree."
"Wand of Fireballs."
"That's less a friend and more your third limb."

----------


## NRSASD

"I was dancing with him, and then I let go, and he happened to be over a bottomless pit! I didn't kill him."

"I'm not using zombie charcoal to draw a face on the sentient mannequin"

----------


## TurboGhast

"I'll only mostly kill you."

----------


## Leon

*3.5 Circus Game*
OOC
"So all the casters ended up grouped together" 
"Yep"
"Can any of us do anything to the Undead?"
"only the Warlock can"

"You can cast produce flame"
"No that's the Druid in the other group"

IC
"running away?"
"going to get a chair"

*Pathfinder*
DM: its about 15mins till the pirate ship is in range
Bloodrager's player: I Rage
Rest of us: No you don't, you can rage in 15min

"So you just Yeetbombed the boss"

Lizardfolk Monk: I'll leap between the ships and engage the archers... Plop!

----------


## darkrose50

*Paladin, INT 8*: <Hands wizard his holy book>  "<Wizard> can you tutor me in my religion."

*Cleric*: "What happens if we put that stone to flesh ointment on this pebble here?"

*Paladin*: "So the Shield Guardian speaks any language, right.  So if I make up a language, then he will know it?"

-----

*Evil Wizard's Apprentice*: "Can I have my master's magic staff back?"

*Wizard*: <Makes a deception roll> "No, it is cursed."

*Paladin*: "Crap, give it to me quick, and I'll break it over my knee!"

-----

*Goblin Alchemist*: "I want to drink the water."

*DM*: "The water is stagnant and full of bloat fly larva."

*Cleric*: "So it's Goblin Bubble-tea?"

*Goblin Alchemist*: "I drink some now, and I save some for later."

-----

*DM*: <At a convention> "You are new to the Pathfinder society."  <Welcome speech>  "Do you ask any questions?"

*Cleric*: "Why did you assemble an adventuring party with only two clerics of Sarenrae, we would be much better off with a full party of us!"

----------


## Duff

4th ed D&D.  When we use wound stitch powder to stabalise a dying enemy to prevent it from getting the 20* on it's save and standing up with a surge of hitpoints, we refer to the foe as having been "Stitched up"

Also, when we realise the foe has much better AC than other defences, the goblin's player will call "Kick 'im in th' NADs"

* especially for Solo foes who are more likely to stand up than to die quietly once their bonus on saves is taken into account

----------


## ZeroGear

Dan: "I said: 'Kick that dragon in its scaly butt' not 'Pile-bunker it in the [REDACTED]'!"
Marv: "It worked, didn't it?"
Nova: That poor dragon is going to need some serious therapy."

Marv: "So... do we have a plan?"
Nova: "Well..."
Marv: "We are not assembling Pony Voltron."
Nova: "You're no fun."

Twilight: "This Anastasia person sounds like a she's going to be trouble."
Marv: "We've managed to deal with pretty much everything she's thrown at us before. At this point, there's nothing we can't handle."
Nova: "Guys, there's a mechanical dragon coming our way, and I think it's being piloted by a loli in a jumpsuit."
Marv: "I stand corrected."

June: "BURN THE ROBOTS! AHAHAHAHAHA!"
Ocellus: "Is she always like this?"
Smolder: "I sure hope so, I like her!"
NH: "I don't know how to feel about that."

Twilight: "Can't we find a more peaceful way to settle this?"
Dan: "Like what? Bet on a Tweedle Beetle Battle?"
Nova: "With paddles in a puddle in a bottle?"
June: "On a noodle eating poodle?"
Spike: "Have you all been talking to Discord?"

----------


## Khaiel

Lucio: "Well, I can't carry anything else, my inventory slots are full."
Leah: "Didn't you have a slot left?"
Lucio: "I'm using it to carry a kilogram of sand."
Leah: "WHY WOULD YOU CARRY A KILOGRAM OF SAND?"
Lucio: "To balance the weight of the 10 brand new scrolls of parchment on my other pocket!"

Dracon: "I also have 10 brand new scrolls of parchment."
GM (OOC): "Why?"
Dracon (OOC): "I'm planning on drawing maps of the dungeon and the surrounding lands."
Leah (OOC): "Are you competent with cartographer tools?"
Dracon (OOC): "Nope."
GM (OOC): "So, this time the constant roaming aimlessly and getting lost every time will be in character."

GM (OOC): "I love how, when telling Dracon about the pact he made with the witch in order to revive him, Lucio is all 'we, us', but he was the only one conscious at the time."

Lucio: "And I just made the magical mutation-inducing blood condition of the setting sound like AIDS."

Lucio: "Oh, Leah isn't just a hateful grouch, she's a tsundere, she cares about me!"
Leah: "One, I'm not a grouch, you all are just too much for anyone to bear. Two, I don't care about you, it's just THE GIANT MUTANT CROCODILE IS NOW COMING FOR ME!"

GM (OOC): "Yup, that's the Cleric Beast soundtrack."
Dracon (OOC): "I'm having PTSD flashbacks and I haven't even played Bloodborne."

----------


## HeraldOfExius

"I should have possessed the devil!"

----------


## Guizonde

me: hold up, are you actively trying to put us in a situation where suicide is the most logical way of solving things?

... 

me: hold up, i was wrong. violence always solves the problem. i forgot.

----------


## Telok

"You need a 100 for that."   "I got 8 keep 5 plus five. No way."   "Overchannel gets you to 10 keep 6."   "You keep willpower so it's a stat roll, spend a blood point for another die."   "But you need two more rolled dice to get to keep 7."   "Say something awesome when you cast the spell, that's worth a stunt die right?"   "Sure. So 10 keep 7 trying for 100."   "Plus five."   "By Vectron's flaming ***** I command you! Rise my undead minion! Rise!"   <rolls 10d10>   "Is that five 10s?"   "The dice _want_ this. Roll those explodes."   "Fine. You have a baby space kaiju zombie with a plasma cannon hole through the middle. I'll stat it next week."


"You open the bay doors and turn off the stasis fields. A million dragon chibis die horrible deaths in hard vaccum. Each one as smart as the elf, and better looking too until the eyeballs burst."   "Nine hundred nintey nine thousand,  eight hundred and eighty."   "Right. I forgot you were keeping a murder score."

----------


## dunfluff

NPC: We move around a lot, were nomads, its kind of our thing.
Alum: well were allmad here.

Alum: then my armor is +2 and holy
Lonji: isnt that the opposite of what armor is supposed to be?
Alum: not that kind of holey

Horell: didnt we turn off the storm?
Alum: have you tried turning the storm off and on again?

Koja: I think we are near a holy place
Sasani: well we need a hole to get through the mountain

GM: you see a relief in the wall.
Alum: technically a relief is (long-winded speech of what relief is)
Scar: (OOC) or you know just a toilet in the wall
GM: not that kind of relief!
Scar: (OOC) if youve read the bible you would know it says damnation without relief

GM: I said bones! Yetis do not carry boats!

NPC: but it ate my foot!
Lonji: LOOK, FEET ARE A REPLENISHABLE RESOURSE!
Alum: No need to feel defeated.

Lonji: Look, theres only about 15000 skulls here. No need to be worried.

Lonji: lets see... are they Bethesda zombies or walking dead zombies?
Alum: Well, we did see them clip through the walls.
Lonji: Bethesda it is

Horell: Horse MVP

Scar: wouldnt that be worse? I would have shat my pants.
Horell: youre not wearing pants.
Lonji: hes wearing a full plate, that has to be worse.

GM: Zombies goes down the hole.

Horell: we already know that the zombies are not alive, is it still standing?
GM: Yes, they are still standing.
Lonji: Now lets see if I am.
Roll: 1
(lonji goes down the hole)

Alum: you guys can handle the zombie?
Sasani: Yes!
Horell: Yes, go save our idiot.

Horell: We dont know where the wall is.
GM: Well it is kind of hard to miss scar slamming into it headfirst, clawing at it impotently and raging at it in general
Horell: oh.

Lonji: I dont care if Im weak as ----, stick me!

Scar: is it a trap?
GM: Technically it is trap shaped...

Lonji: Skulls are less intimidating than demon heads. I mean we passed 15000 of them already.

Sasani: whats behind door number 1 and 2?
GM: you see headless corpses, their heads covered in red lacquer and placed to the left of their bodies. They are wrapped in scarps of decaying clothes. You see a few copper trinkets strewn around the graves with a few glints of silver nestled in.
Sasani: I go forwards to the next 2 doors.
GM: You see headless corpses, their heads placed...
Sasani: I go forwards.
GM: you see headless...
Sasani: Forwards.
Gm: you see...
Sasani: Forwards
Sasani: Forwards
Sasani: Forwards
GM: you slam headfirst into the door.

Lonji: Let them hear the battle cry of my people!
Lonji: yodelaiho!

Lonji: Im scared
Scar: your yodeling has failed you.

Lonji: Did you just miniature stab me with a miniature rapier? Im so proud of you.

----------


## DigoDragon

*Doc*: "Probably tastes like a big recess people butter cup?"
[Beat]
*Doc*: "_Peanut_ butter cup. Geez, autocorrect."
*Rime*: "Only the freshest ground people."

----------


## Guizonde

> *Doc*: "Probably tastes like a big recess people butter cup?"
> [Beat]
> *Doc*: "_Peanut_ butter cup. Geez, autocorrect."
> *Rime*: "Only the freshest ground people."


cannibalism. for when you are fed up with people.

----------


## TrashTrash

"I hoist (PC) over my head and yell 'NO!'"

"Does a tail count as an unarmed strike?"
"I don't know, dO YoU stIlL hAVe arMs?"

"Here, this is magical cocaine for your Kobold buddy down there."
"Great."

"I want to haggle with the guard about my bail, make it only 1 gp."
DM: "Roll for it."
"Yes!"
"I also want to haggle, but I want to get both Timbo and I out for free."
DM: *sigh* "Fine, roll."
"IT WORKED!"

DM: "The goblins climb the tree to get away from you psychopaths."
"I cast Fireball on the tree."
DM:"The goblins are on fire now. You can hear their screams of agony as their skin burns away."
(OOC) "How much XP is that worth?"
DM (OOC): "I'm very tempted to not give any of you any XP. That was horrifying."

"What color is the pocket dimension?"

"I snort a bag of cocaine."
"Wait, those things are like, 2 pounds of cocaine. Are you sure?"
"I _snort_ a _bag_ of _cocaine_.
DM (OOC): "You guys are just gonna let him?"
ALL: "Yeah."
"(Fighter) has to carry him, though."

DM: "After getting the snot beaten out of you by the racist guards, you enter the city. You see a festival going on, with a giant statue of Thor in the middle. People are drinking, praising Thor, and wielding hammers. Suddenly, the clouds open and Thor himself descends to join the fun. You-"
"I want to challenge Thor."
(Rogue, OOC): "You're barely above a death save, please do not."
(Fighter, OOC): "Yeah, and _none_ of us could beat a literal GOD right now."
"What's he gonna do, zAp mE?

"You speak Celestial?"
"No, I cast Comprehend Languages like, two seconds before I opened the door."
"Oh."
"Don't tell the others."

----------


## Florian

Ranger: Ok, what's up?
Dwarf: We are crossing a flimsy rope bridge across an underground river. All around us, some things that look like Beholders are floating in the air.
Ranger: I draw my bow and full attack with all my feats, Rapid Shot and Multishot!
Ranger rolls: That's three crits! Yay!
DM: The gas balloons explode, incinerating the rope bridge, everyone falls into the river bellow, you all take x fire damage, y falling damage, now roll Fort Saves because the water is freezing cold... All except Ranger, as she still stands at the mouth of the cavern...

Context? Well, the player of Ranger was a fresh mum, exciting the room to look after her toddler. Whenever she returned, her first answer was to shoot something....

----------


## DigoDragon

> cannibalism. for when you are fed up with people.


Ha! Good one. :3


*GM*: "...Welp. Sachni just killed a giant bat in two punches."  :Small Tongue: 
*Ellie*: "The long awaited anime sequel, Two-Punch Girl?"
*GM*: "Err... wait, my mistake. She does still kill it, but it took all three strikes."
*Ellie*: "And executive meddling ruins the new series."

----------


## ZeroGear

June: "That is a BIG robot..."
Giant Robot: "Hello friends! Want some toast?"
Psycho Flamethrower: "HE gets a giant robot body? That's just not fair!"

June: "That's a lot of robots..."
Nova: "Guess it's time for my Ultimate Technique!"
NH: "Ultimate Technique?"
Nova: "Indeed, it's my final move!"
June: "What are you planning to do?"
Nova: "I'll use my speedy and well toned legs..."
NH: "You'll use your legs to..."
Nova: "RUN FOR MY LIFE!"
June: "...I'm not even surprised by this anymore."

Dan: "Ok, so frontal assault's out. And we'd be sitting ducks in the air... Any bright ideas?"
Marv: "Maybe we can tunnel under it?"
NH: "Not unless you know how to win over some Diamond Dogs."
Nova: "...LET US PREPARE GIFTS OF MILKBONES AND CHEWTOYS!"

Dan: *Glares at Nova*
Nova: "What?"
Dan: "You just had to get them started, didn't you?"
Nova: "This world runs on music, and it's motivating them!"
Rover (lead Diamond Dog): *singing* "Diamond Dogs digging a hole!"
Rest of Pack: "Diggy Diggy Hole! Digging a Hole!"

Twilight: "Just got word that Hunter's group is under the base."
Marv: "Then it's time for a distraction."
June: "FIRE THE BASS CANNON!"
Vinyl Scratch: *drops the beat*

----------


## DigoDragon

> Rest of Pack: "Diggy Diggy Hole! Digging a Hole!"


So that song is now stuck in my head. Thanks.  :Small Tongue: 


*Doc*: (_grabs a rifle_) "Please don't pee on my hooves like the last one."

----------


## Telonius

"The only thing lower than my intellect is my wisdom." 

"Oh, man, another thing that eats souls?"

"But he's too pretty to attack!"
"That never stopped them from attacking you."

"You have successfully intimidated the demon lord."

----------


## Guizonde

what started as a homebrew one-shot will become at least a 2 parter! here are the dramatis personnae in another installment of the wacky dalarium chronicles!

*Spoiler: the team*
Show


vincent of whitechapel: corpse artist and philanthropist from great britain, locked in stasis since the 22nd century ad.
boris: spetznaz and beastmaster, part of a special project to increase artificially the intelligence of rats. also from the 22nd century ad.
lazarus: dwarf engineer, pretty old, locked in cold storage from around about the year 6900 ad for blowing up a maternity ward, accidentally.
ricard: tribal warrior. very young, impetuous, locked up for war crimes since around about year 7000 ad.
the beast: a perfect hybrid between a giant rat and a grizzly bear.




dm: so you are all thrown in a room with a variety of close combat weapons inside.
ricard: i pick up a mine bar and try to stay calm.
vincent: now why do you think we'll have to fight it out, my tribal friend?
ricard: call it knowledge 4th wall.

lazarus: spared insanity points by my near-sightedness.

dm: you hit the rat-ogre so hard you dent your mine bar in the shape of its face.

vince: i chop a corpse in two and fling it at the giant rats! *rolls* *fails*
the beast: the beast looks at you quizzically. what the hell was that?

the beast: what do i hear and smell?
dm: you hear the rat ogre whimpering: "not cool dude, that really hurt! oh crap i think he broke my tooth!"
the beast: sweet! that makes me the alpha!

vincent: what kind of lousy test is this?
lazarus: i don't even know what i'm supposed to read!
ricard: pff, it's just a few quadratic equations, it's no big deal.
laz: *blinks*
vince: uh, isn't he supposed to be the dumb muscle?

dm: the guards want you to tame the beast.
boris: what do they think i am, some kind of pied piper? *plays the theremin*

dm: ok, so the beast and boris are trying to assert dominance on the other.
the beast: *growls*
boris: *plays the theremin*
the beast:*forces boris to sit down with a paw then sits down next to him*
boris: yay! i'm the alpha.
the beast: _glad to see he's happy that i'm the alpha_
laz ooc: this won't end well.

npc: so you see those collars y'all are wearing? yeah, they've got a gps tracker in it, and two modes. shock collar or bomb collar. you don't want to screw with those.
laz: i'm totally gonna screw with those.
ricard: i'll help.

electronic voice: please. elect. team. leader.
ricard: what does a team leader have to do?
laz: basically catch flak for the rest of the team when things go wrong.
ricard: so, just like being front-line in a warzone. i'll do it.
vince: oh good, i didn't want to designate you as a volunteer.

electronic voice: team leader. bring your team to briefing room 2b.
ricard: after the coffee. 
electronic voice: now.
ricard: you think i have authority over those people?!

vincent: are we teaching savages how to play tarot?
boris: i guess so.
vincent: pass the whisky.

vince: so the white guards have got this little "pweek-pweek" button attached to their gloves that hand out either shocks or detonations?
dm: yup.
vince: are the guards wearing shock collars too?
dm: yup.
ricard: great, now we need one of those pweek-pweeks to pweek-pweek the guards before they pweek-pweek us!
laz: only in the dalarium can you say that with a straight face, folks!

vince: ricard's gonna die over there, and more importantly me too!
laz: dude, i've got a pea shooter, i can't do anything! boris!
boris: what am i supposed to do?
vince: you're the beastmaster! get the beast over here!
boris: you think i control that thing?!

dm: while your friends are surrounded by explosions, what do you do?
the beast: they're not my friends. i keep eating my kill.
team ooc: BEAST!
the beast: oh, alright. sheesh.

vince: i know! i'll throw a corpse at the guards!
laz: yeah, because it worked so well last time.

ricard: finally! i killed a guard! vince! get to da pweek-pweek!

gypsy mercenary: now, we let you have your freedom, but you give us the stuff from the killed guards.
vince: now, hold on! that's not fair, you didn't even help out in the fight!
ricard: everybody shut up! 
everyone: *blinks*
ricard: when i went to sleep, it was during a horrible war where i was fighting an authoritarian society. i saw my friends die. i get locked up in cryo-stasis for a bazillion and a half years. i wake up, some douchecanoe throws me in an arena. i kill things. they make me do math and put a bomb collar on me. they make me dig for ore, and they try to blow me up because "oolala perfect eugenic society" my ass on a piece of ryebread. i've only killed a few. i don't know what the hell is going on, so either help me kill more of those bastards and bring down their society or get out of my way. you helping?
gypsy mercenary: ... *huge smile* i see mister tribal over here knows how to speak gypsy! murder, vengeance and chaos is what we do! 

vince: i build a scale replica of the city out of corpses and organs!
ricard: *chewing on a guard's dismembered arm* that's pretty cool, i like how you used kidneys as train wagons.
laz: what kind of sick team did i get thrown into?

boris: the beast is hungry. i go get a corpse.
ricard: i throw the arm i was eating at the beast. it tastes too bland.
dm: how not to bond with your pet 101.

vince: i do a charisma check to look even deader!
team: *marion cotillard imitations*

boris: i summon the rat swarms to attack the guards! *plays the theremin*
dm: it's very... not effective.

the beast: i charge the two guards.
dm: *rolls* you smell fecal matter. lots of it.

team: noooooo, not favorite npc number 3! we liked him!

me: just to be clear, "short-fatso" is now technically a name in this universe.
boris: awesome.

vince: ok, prisoner, you telling us anything or do i have to get my tribal over here to knock some sense into you?
ricard: easy or sautéed with parsley. the choice is yours. 

ricard: i waterboard the prisoner in viscera.*snorts* nope, sorry, couldn't say it with a straight face!

dm: you figure out how the buggy works. but the problem is you're too short to reach the pedals or see over the dash.
laz: here comes ingenuity!
*5 minutes later*
laz: pedal stilts and a baby chair! finest dalarian engineering at work!

boris: i try to make the beast understand to get into the buggy.
the beast: nah, i keep eating my corpse.
vince: why don't we tie a corpse to the back of the buggy?
dm: *grins* i like the way you think.

dm: thanks to talking to the rat-human hybrid, the beast's mind is blown. he can now associate two things as a concept!
the beast: cue "mind blown" memes!

ricard: is the beast ok?
the beast: human-rat? wooooooaaaah
boris: probably.
vince: he's drooling.
the beast: human-female? woooooooooaaaaaaaah
laz: great, knowing our luck, that flea-bag will end up the genius of the group.
the beast: tools? human-claws! 

vince: so long, short-fatso. good luck to you, here's a gun, and let me get your bomb-collar off.
short-fatso: thanks guys. you're nuts. i'm gonna re-evaluate my life choices now.
boris: you and me both.
short-fatso: hey, laz, why are you sticking around?
laz: have you seen how deadly they are? i'll risk a few insanity points for an increased life-span.

----------


## DigoDragon

*Doc*: "For pastel horses, this is pretty restrictive wasteland bureaucracy."

----------


## Guizonde

laz ooc: you forgot about the gratuitous cannibalism.
vince: yeah, i've got a bone to pick with that.

----------


## ZeroGear

Marv: "Looks like we're in."
Nova: "And no guards in sight!"
Victor the giant guard: "Well, well, well. We meet again."
Marv: "...I blame you."

June: "Who knew bubblegum-cake-batter made such great ammunition?"
Pinkie Pie: "I know, right?"

Nova: "I would rather not let the discount Juggernaut Jim Henson me, thank you very much!"

Dan: "I wonder how they're fairing."
*side of the base explodes*
MoP: "Does that answer your question?"

NH: "Do I look like a multitool to you?"
Marv: "Is that a trick question?"

Nova: "Oooooh! What does this button do?"
Marv: "Channel your inner Dee Dee and find out."

Princess Celestia: "It is a shame you cannot stay any longer."
Dan: "Well, you know, duty calls."
June: "And I miss the feeling of technology."
Nova: "Plus I'm running low on Surge. Only got one left."
Marv: "The one that Twilight's drinking right now?"
*Beat*
NH: "Here we go again."

----------


## notXanathar

I fingergun curiously.

----------


## TherianTheorist

"I have a reputation to keep, at least until I have a big enough name that theft gets to be expected, and easily forgiven."

----------


## shelledhound

"Imagine the little mermaid where Ariel is singing on the rocks but instead of Ariel it's a mer-dwarf."

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

*Armessar [Eldar Ranger]*: "How is it not a restroom if it has a bed in it?"

----------


## malachi

*Spoiler*
Show

New PCs, because last campaign kind of kersplatted due to overly difficult encounter and PC stupidity). Although 2 sessions into this one, and it looks like it might go the same direction (although mostly because of PC choices this time)...

Barry: half-elf Devotion paladin. Grew up on a farm. Sounds like a hick, according to Eerie.
Eerie: Goliath Devotion paladin. Half cloud giant. Got picked on so he had to leave home.
Dis: Tiefling Lore Bard / lawyer training in the Hells. Or Abyss. I forget which one the lawful fiends are from. Sounds very british.
Rain: Half-Vedalken Illusionist Wizard.

All characters share the same father who is, according to the DM, of the bardic persuasion.



Eerie: "How light are you?"
DM: "About 50 to 60 feet."



Barry: "I'll hold 'em off. Run!"
...
Dis, OOC: "Wait, you meant to run away?"



Eerie: "Now that we've rested, we can go right back to the outpost that scared us off earlier and finish killing everything."
Barry: "Yer plan ain't so good. They're sure to of put up more o' them guards."
Eerie: "Are you calling me stupid?"
Barry: "I di'n say that."
Dis: "That sounds like something I would say."
Barry: "Well, I do listen t'ya."


Barry: " 'ave ya ever looked at 'n ant hill?"
Eerie: "No."
Barry, OOC: *head desk*







> laz ooc: you forgot about the gratuitous cannibalism.
> vince: yeah, i've got a bone to pick with that.


Me: That's the spirit.
Necromancer: Sorry, didn't mean to let him loose.




> Marv: "Looks like we're in."
> Nova: "And no guards in sight!"
> Victor the giant guard: "Well, well, well. We meet again."
> Marv: "...I blame you."
> 
> June: "Who knew bubblegum-cake-batter made such great ammunition?"
> Pinkie Pie: "I know, right?"
> 
> Nova: "I would rather not let the discount Juggernaut Jim Henson me, thank you very much!"
> ...


How many of these characters are ponies, again?

----------


## NRSASD

Kenku: _Points at swamp_ "Swamp!"
_Points at self_ "From Swamp!"
_Points at Grung_ "Family?"
Grung: "You are nothing to me"
Goliath: "Oooo disowned by Kermit"

----------


## DigoDragon

> How many of these characters are ponies, again?


Not enough.  :Small Big Grin: 


*GM*: "I'll pay you to draw that, with the butter."

*Mirror*: "There's something on the back of the ladder."
*Doc*: "Something on the rung side of the--wow, that came out without even thinking about it."

*Trap*: Days since last rogue: *_resets counter to 0_*

*Doc*: *_opens the box_*
*GM*: "Inside you find a silver statue of the spider queen with rubies for eyes."
*Doc*: *_closes the box_* "That's a big box of NOPE."
*Max*: "What's a nope?"
*Doc*: *_opens the box again_*
*Max*: "...NOPE."
*Doc*: *_closes the box_*

*GM*: "Roll me an Investigate check."
*Max*: *_rolls_* "Oooh, interesting..."
*GM*: "You roll at least a 10?"
*Max*: "I rolled a 2."

*Doc*: "It's tattooed on her butt."
*Azriel*: "Is that where it is? Wait, why are you looking--"
*Doc*: "Sarcasm, not observation!"

*Mirror*: "I rub Doc against my chest and then stick him to the wall."

*Doc*: "How is the dragon stealthier than I am?!"
*Azriel*: "Well, I don't wear any armor."
*Doc*: "But you're the size of a dragon!"
*Azriel*: "Um... did you mean to say that?"
*Doc*: *_angry horse noises_* 

*GM*: "The Dreidel song doesn't need a low-bass dance remix."

*Max*: "Go ahead and run. You'll just die tired."
*Hell Hound*: *_runs away_*
*Max*: *_crits on his rifle shot_*
*GM*: "Okay the hound drops dead from Rule of Cool."

*Doc*: "I'm a bard of inspiration, not timing."

----------


## Guizonde

"oh, they're eating people! good thing we brought bibles!"

----------


## Telok

"But nuking stuff from orbit is so expensive. Lets just use the Shadows. Teleport a few into a city."

"Simple. We tell them we've doomed the planet and that we'll give the best interior decorator a ride out when we leave."

----------


## malachi

*Spoiler: Dramatis Personae*
Show

New character joined!
Lyne: Half-Tabaxi Hunter Ranger. Showed up a few late 'cause he was in jail.

Barry: half-elf Devotion paladin. Grew up on a farm. Sounds like a hick, according to Eerie.
Eerie: Goliath Devotion paladin. Half cloud giant. Got picked on so he had to leave home.
Dis: Tiefling Lore Bard / lawyer training in the Hells. Or Abyss. I forget which one the lawful fiends are from. Sounds very british.
Rain: Half-Vedalken Illusionist Wizard.



10 hour sessions are fun. But we survived!

*Everyone at the table*: *silence*
*Dis, OOC*: "I killed a goblin w/ vicious mockery!"

*Lyne*: "We're with the kingdom's census department. How many goblins are in the mountain?"
*DM*: "Roll Deception"
*Lyne*: *fails*
*Goblin*: "You were supposed to be here last week!"

*Barry*: "Get away while I hold them off!"
*Dis*: *refuses; casts vicious mockery 3 more times, killing the hobgoblin captain*

*Eerie*: *holding Lyne in a fireman carry*
*Hobgoblins*: *miss Eerie 3 times with bows, hit Lyne 3 times*
*Dis*: "You really have a meat shield this time!"

*Dis, OOC*: "My scroll of pedigree is written in blood."
*Barry, OOC*: "Whose blood?"
*Dis, OOC*: *shrugs*

*Eerie, OOC*: "It's amazing how rich people don't like Abe Lincoln."

*DM, OOC*: "He's a young Gandalf."
*Barry, OOC*: "But blue."
*DM and Eerie, OOC*: "Bluedalf."

*DM, as party*: "We just killed 100 goblins - easy."
*DM, as NPC*: "What's your name?"
*DM, as party*: "We quit!"

*Dis*: *jazz fingers*

*Barry*: "You ready to do this, Eerie?"
*Eerie*: *nods*
*both charge towards the makeshift barricade*
*Eerie*: *Thunderous Smites the barricade, killing 8 goblins behind it*
*Barry*: *tries to shoulder tackle barricade, stumbles, looks awkward*

*Barry*: "They're in fireball formation! Too bad we're only level 4..."
*Rain*: "Yeah. Too bad." *pulls out scroll* *one goblin lives, because he was outside the range*

*DM, OOC*: "Lyne, if you multiclass Rogue, you could be a half-catburglar!"
*Dis, OOC*: "Wouldn't it make him a half-cat half-burglar?"


MVP: Vicious mockery - killed 4 of the 5 minibosses (dealing at least 50% of the damage each took, as well)
Runner up: Sanctuary + dodge

----------


## Spookykid

no, I charge towards demogorgon!

----------


## DeTess

*DM:* So, the mangler clambers up the storage silo, and catches up to [the ranger]. Let's see, that's six attacks, and because [the ranger] hasn't acted yet it rolls with advantage and does bonus damage...
*Everyone else:* *horrified silence...*
*DM:* ...ehm, if this ends up killing him, that wasn't on purpose

*Artificer:**OOC* The giant ape has mental stats not that much worse that that of the average DnD player, so you won't lose much.

*Artificer:* I bring my magic gun to bear on the tentacle monster and fire a grenade*.
*DM:* *rolls* It passes the save, and for this creature that means... Eeny, meenie, miny, mo *points at warlock* You roll a save as well, as the creature bats the projectile out of the air straight towards you.

*Artificer:* I fire a shot of plasma** at the tentacle creature. And...*rolls* it misses, probably.
*DM:* It doesn't just miss. As before, it intercept the shot with a tentacle and reidrects it towards... the ranger. Roll a gain to try and hit him.
*Artificer:* ... an 18 probably does hit, doesn't it?

*Wizard:* Alright, time for the big guns. Eat this.
*DM:* *grins and rolls save*
*Wizard:* Wait, I should have been paying more attention to what happened to the artificer, didn't I?
*DM:* Yep. it saves, and that means...
*Wizard:* I counterspell my own spell!



*shatter spell
**firebolt spell

----------


## Aka-chan

"...The gelatinous cube has jaundice?"



"I need my other 3rd-level spell to de-chicken the guy."

----------


## ZeroGear

> How many of these characters are ponies, again?


Of the PCs, just Night Hunter (NH)




> Not enough.


Too True.

Marv: "I'm really starting to hate portals."
Dan: "Any other words of wisdom Geralt?"

NH: "I'm not a lamp, pulling my tail ISN'T going to make my horn light up!"

Nova: *opens random door*
Tentacles: *wiggle* *wiggle* *wiggle*
Nova: "NOPE!" *coses door*

Dan: "THROW THE CHEESE!"
MoP: "Gouda Idea!"

Marv: "Where's Nova?"
Nova, flying past with a jetpack: "I HAVE THE YEEEEEET!"
Marv: "...never mind."

NH: "The tentacle monster is wearing sunglasses..."
June: "He's sexy and he knows it!"
Tentacle Monster: *wiggle* *wiggle* *wiggle*

----------


## Duff

"I slowly and non-threatening put away my bow and draw my sword"

----------


## JBPuffin

We now know why licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.

----------


## uraniumdragon

This began as pants-on-head retarded
but now theyve turned the pants around, so they can look out of the fly, see where theyre going
yet still pants-on-head retarded?
YES.

The non-com and the nerd. This is going to be interesting.
 You can read, sir?... And then it comes around the corner with [NCO] Sux written on its shield...

_later_
And the robot slaps him on the ass.
...that wasnt a slap, that was a full-on grab. Thats going to be trouble later. YOU THINK YOURE _FUNNY_, POINDEXTER?!!! 

----------


## Telok

"Mage duels on this planet are not spectator sports."

"We took more damage from your defiling than from the ten meter tall teleporting murder elephants."

"He got away!"
"Give me a couple minutes to catch the interior decorator, then you can nuke the city from orbit."

P1: "We aren't the good guys are we?"
P2: "We doomed an entire planet and made a deal with a daemon lord."
Dm: "Plus the local version of the great London fire of 1666, and nuking a city, releasing uncontrolled nanotech infections, starting an interstellar war, and enabling the vampire council to shroud entire planets in permanent darkness."
P3: "So, not the good guys?"

----------


## bc56

Me: "With a schwoooop, er I mean with absolutely no sound effect whatsoever, the silence spell goes up."

Solas: "Skipper leaves a perfectly halfling-shaped hole in the door."

Kit: "Maybe we should have checked for magic before we walked into the mysterious mist."

Kit: "Hat of the Winterlands!"
Solas: "Isn't that just a ushanka?"

----------


## Guizonde

dm: a file cabinet falls on militia's head, stunning her.
lucii: she's not the only one stunned!

belsunce: get away from her body! she's not dead yet!
malax: oh, about the whole necrophilia thing, don't worry. i only do it when i'm high on cocaine!
militia ooc: and that's better how?

dm: surprise round for the bad guys!
*2 critical fails leading to being one-shot in attacks of opportunity, 2 misses, and a very large amount of napalm*
dm: surprise critical existence failure for the bad guys!

malax: i unscrew a wall panel!
dm: a very large rat tries to attack you and... *rolls* misses.
malax: i bait it with food.
dm: ... it works, but it shouldn't.
malax: i'm gonna call it "pookie".

dm: malax returns with a very large rat following him.
militia: this just got silly, didn't it?

militia: ok, so croustor the npc told me we might find clues in a settlement to the north!
team: lead on.
militia rolls orientation: *5 degrees of failure* ok, so croustor is wrong, we're heading south instead! *goes north anyway*

belsunce: who are we following? me or militia?
lucii: well, she knows where she's going. we're just following you because you catch incoming bullets.
militia, to herself: we're going south, we're going south! i'm panicking over here! *keeps heading north unwittingly*

zbeb: *strikes a brooding pose* _it amazed zbeb how such a team could hope to save their village, just finding out how big the world was. would they rise up to the task? would they succeed? only the hallowed ancestors knew, and they were not speaking to zbeb right now._
militia: is zbeb brooding again? i just saw subtitles appearing in front of me.

dm: finally zbeb fumbles a hide check! he bumps into a can of yellow paint, you all can see him!
lucii: who's that guy?!
zbeb ooc: i undress and disappear again! *rolls and succeeds*
louka ooc: ... a naked mall-ninja covered in yellow paint running around being invisible? really? what the hell are we playing?!
militia: aaaah, finally you're getting the whole experience package!

louka ooc: hold up, i've built a flamethrower halberd and you're all ok with it?!
belsunce: honestly, it doesn't even make the top twenty most brutal weapons list.
louka: i love this game.

zbeb ooc: i wall jump on the 4th wall to pincer the enemies.

louka: ooooh, look at that dent!
dm: dude, that was your face last session.
louka: i know, but now since i can fly, i can make more much higher up!

militia: ok, guess i'm up for the hunting party.
*louka, flying with his jet pack drops a grenade onto a swarm of rats*
dm: militia, you're covered in gibs and blood and guts.
militia: louka, that's not hunting!
louka: *winks with a huge smile on his face and two thumbs up*

zbeb: _guided by an epiphany, zbeb pulled out his nail gun and_ *rolls* _headshot the large rat, dropping him like a shadow._
lucii: man, i'm so rich, i kill creatures without even thinking about it!

lucii: uh, guys? huge problem over here.
louka: *throws grenade* *winks at militia and doing a thumbs up* "hunting!"

belsunce: *puts down cup of coffee* 4 large wolves? 
dm: yup, do you rouse the troops?
belsunce: are you thick? they'd just steal my kills. i charge!

dm: you just went from "chili con carne" to "medical textbook".
malax: guess it took a bit of time for the qaaludes to wear off.
louka: meh, free chili.
militia: without grenades, even!

dm: rope climbing time!
lucii: is this the part where i suck?
dm: all in favor of skipping the next 45 minutes of struggle and humiliation?
*all 6 hands raised*

----------


## ZeroGear

Marv: "We would be done by now if you weren't constantly wasting time flying around like a lunatic!"
Nova: "Don't you mean, a MAJESTIC EAGLE?"

June: "We go that-a-way! Onwards Floyd!"
NH: "You named it Floyd?"
June: "What else would you name a pink tentacle monster?"

Nova: "Time for the MAJESTIC EAGLE!"
MoP: "He's here to bring the YEET!"
Dan: "Would that make him a 'Yeagle'?"
Nova: "The MAJESTIC YEAGLE!"

June: "That's a lot of sand..."
NH: "What do we do now, oh 'Wise One'?"
June: "Don't worry, I have the perfect plan!"
NH: "I wasn't worried. That lasted all of three minutes."

Dan: "There they are!"
Marv: "I see them. Now how are we getting down there?"
Nova: "Hang on, I think they're drawing something in the sand..."
Dan: "Can you make out what it is?"
Nova: "It's some kind of message..."
Marv: "Well? What does it say?"
Nova: "It says... 'Send Nudes'..."

----------


## Necroticplague

Gene: Before you go getting any funny ideas, I read my contracts carefully. In this case, I'm to bring back your brain intact. It's suspiciously silent on whether it has to be in the original packaging.

----------


## DigoDragon

*GM*: "Roll Survival."
*Doc*: "Four."
*Max*: "I'll assist for advantage."
*Doc*: *_re-rolls_* "...four."

*Azriel*: "Pew pew!"
*Mirror*: "Your fingers have iron sights?"

*Doc*: "This should only be the second strangest thing we've googled."
*Max*: "On YouTube? Dude, there should be blue prints for it!"

*Doc*: "We're all magic skeletons piloting meat mecha."

*Azriel*: "If I can't read it, I'm blasting it."
*Doc*: "Can I read it?"
*GM*: "Who is proficient in Arcana?"
*Doc*: "I'm proficient in Arcana."
*GM*: "You have Arcana?"
*Doc*: "I'm a bard. I have all the skills."
*GM*: "Ok, the scroll title reads, '_How to bargain with the Old Ones_'."
*Doc*: "Nevermind. Blast away."

*GM*: "It is... an iron cast... abound in bread..."
*Doc*: "Um, what?"

*Mirror*: "Sweetie, don't act like someone dropped a house on your sister."

*Doc*: "I hug my emotional support wife."

*GM*: "She looks at you with udder contempt."
*Max*: "Moo?"

----------


## malachi

Overheard from another campaign: "He's clearly making the doors go easy on us!"

Overheard from another campaign: "The arrow is higher level than us. It'll be the true BBEG!"

Barry, OOC: "That ends my turn."
DM: "Liar."

Barry, OOC: "Wait, that's not my accent, is it?"

*Spoiler*
Show

 Things happened, and Barry wanted to do different things than the rest of the group, so he got switched out with Sauriv, a lizardfolk druid.


Sauriv, OOC: "Which means you can only get one barrel of gunpowder to trip to the pharmacy, right?"

Sauriv, OOC: "Wait, that's not my accent, is it?"
Rain, OOC: "You sound like a dwarf with a cold."

Sauriv, OOC: "Today, we learned that two men who get pulled into the water can kill 4 sharks, but not 8."

----------


## Telok

Dm: "You made me do math. But I found out the orbital bombardment only killed about 80% of the people in the city."
Pc: "Serves them right."
Dm: "Only two of the 130 high level adventurers died."
Pc: "We need those shields up pronto!"

----------


## DigoDragon

*Rime*: "Doc! Bring me the salad fork! I need to cast fireball!"
*Doc*: "Why is your fireball stored in the salad fork?"

*GM*: "Apparently Roxy has the key to Oddys hoof cuffs. If you could unlock them when you next post, I would be grateful."


*Pepper*: "Okay, Goddess, that Doctor you met the other night wants to hook you up into a goddess tube to power his giant killer robot and enslave all of pony kind."
*Rime*: "He was even talking about killing [you] for fun!"
*Doc*: "Are... are we all talking about the same me here?"
*Pepper*: "Look, I'm bored and the reindeer can probably dodge bullets with some sort of joke power. Selling you out is all I have left."
*Doc*: "But... but then who is going to stick the party back together if someone gets shot?"
*Oddy*: (*_bounds into the room_*) "Are we having a parrrty?!"
*Doc*: "Apparently we are and I'm the piñata."
*Oddy*: "Ooh, I knew that under the nerdy act, you are naughty."
*Doc*: "Nerdy act? I'm not acting, I really am a nerd!"
*Oddy*: "Da, da." (_waving it off with a clear disbelief as she pulls a baseball bat_)
*Doc*: "Wait, I object to hitting the team doctor!"
*Oddy*: "I just merely, oblige to your darkest wishes."
*Doc*: "My only _wish_ right not is not getting hit."
*Oddy*: "This game is confusing me."

----------


## Guizonde

vince: i don't wanna leave loose ends...
boris: why don't you cut off his tongue?
vince: i'm hesitating...
random bystander npc: what the hell?!

the beast: ok, food is not a problem anymore. *rolls instinct* time to reproduce.

vince ooc: it's not a fourth wall anymore! it's a fifth character!
the beast ooc: wall? more like a sieve!

ricard: cannibalism. creating social links since the dawn of lunchtime.

----------


## ZeroGear

Nova: "Woot! Finally together again!"
June: "Why guys, we made a new friend."
Floyd: *Wiggle**Wiggle**Wiggle*
Nova: "Time to split up!"

Marv: "Now is not the time for your ridiculous Pie in the Horse ideas!"
Dan: "...Pie in the WHAT?"

June: "No obstacle can stop the Tenta-spy!"

NH: "Since when does Nova have super naked speed?"

NH: "They've got Nova!"
Dan: "Don't worry, we'll get to him."
June: "We'd better hurry, we'll want these back sooner rather than later." *holds up Nova's pants*
Dan: "...do I even want to know?"
June: "Not really."

Lab Assistant: "for someone that's been strapped to a table, you're taking this pretty well."
Nova: "Oh, I'd be a lot more freaked out if this wasn't the second time this happened. Thankfully, this time doesn't involve drinking, a duck, a bucket of bees wax, or a gallon tub of lard."

Marv: "Can we please just bust through the door like normal people?"

----------


## DigoDragon

> Marv: "Now is not the time for your ridiculous Pie in the Horse ideas!"
> Dan: "...Pie in the WHAT?"


I know that reference! XD


Doc: "Not my monkey, not my circus."
Mirror: "His monkeys fly and harass people from Kansas."
Doc: "They know what they did."

----------


## Telok

Dm: You have 30,000 credits of "stuff" in the utility belt as long as it's light bulk or less?
Pc: as long as each item individually is light or less. Plus the hide behind people thing.
Dm: What?
Pc: Stealth check as long as there's at least one non-hostile within five feet.
Dm: A ton and a half of walrus with a green and yellow polka dot cape, gold helmet, and pink jetpack? And you just need a random halfling to hide behind?
Pc: The jetpack has purple stripes. Besides, I didn't want to be silly.
Dm: I'm afraid to ask.

----------


## Guizonde

tribal leader: you should try the salad.
ricard: ooh, that tastes good. what's the meat?
tribal leader: the toes of our enemies.
laz: *chokes*

ricard: see, old timer? that's a potato, try it, it tastes really good!
laz: it's squishy. i don't trust squishy food.
ricard: dude, i made you eat liver.
laz: don't remind me. i knew the victim.

last time i rp a cannibal, i swear.

----------


## Heavenblade

Our sorcerer, while being grappled by an acidic ooze - "good news guys, the blob is friendly!"

After he revealed his draconic ancestry, causing the ooze to withdraw due to plot reasons - "nooo! Bloby! Come baaaack"

----------


## Telok

"I don't care how well it worked. The walrus does not get to wear his skimpy cheer leader outfit while captaining our spaceship."

----------


## Guizonde

brutallica: i'm gonna kick your ass so hard you'll be puking toes.

kami: what's for dinner, halfling?
brutallica: potatoes.
grimm: oh, great. i thought we were past that gag.

free: anybody got a tomato?
korinn: oh great, now i have to look for another portal.

kami: hah! i told josé it takes training to break rocks by kicking!
grimm: must feel good breaking a golem's rocks rather than it breaking yours.

----------


## DigoDragon

*GM*: "Going through the town is faster due to the forest terrain being impenetrable."
*Doc*: "Unless you're a German tank."

*GM*: "As you open the scroll, you hear a faint, high tittering laughter."
*Doc*: "Heh heh, tittering."
*Max*: "Shush. Was the document in a scroll boob--I mean, tube."
*Doc*: "Ha! not just me! Not just me!"

*Max*: "How long does your floating disk last?"
*Disk*: *_vanishes, dropping the dead body three feet with a wet thud_*
*Azriel*: "About that long."

*Mayor*: "My daughter might know what those beads do."
*Charity*: "Ah, she goes to Carnaval too?"
*Doc*: "Wait, what?"

*Wizard*: "Geez, you think you know a pony."
*Max*: "Looting their house really tells you a lot about them."

*Max*: "What an interesting new smell you've discovered."
*Charity*: *_casts Firebolt at the door_*
*Firebolt*: *_bounces around the room several times until it fizzles in the water_*
*Azriel*: "Stop that! I already tried it with Eldritch Blast. The doors are magictically sealed!"

*Doc*: "I am tragically sober."

----------


## Guizonde

> *GM*: "Going through the town is faster due to the forest terrain being impenetrable."
> *Doc*: "Unless you're a German tank."
> 
> *GM*: "As you open the scroll, you hear a faint, high tittering laughter."
> *Doc*: "Heh heh, tittering."
> *Max*: "Shush. Was the document in a scroll boob--I mean, tube."
> *Doc*: "Ha! not just me! Not just me!"
> 
> *Max*: "How long does your floating disk last?"
> ...


response:
1: there are 2 things that can't be expected: the spanish inquisition and german tanks.
2: but was the scroll tube stored in a chest?
3: comedic timing, love it.
4: in new orleans, the spelling is carnAval ;)
5: "when i die, please clear my browsing history"
6: at least it didn't murdercide anyone.
7: in our pathfinder game, we actually get to-roll penalties for that one!

----------


## Sniccups

Rogue: I read the records.
DM: These are the cult's financial records. There's a lot of tax evasion. Like, so much tax evasion.

And from a different campaign:

NPC: Okay... first off, what's a dog?

DM: (describes Wretched Sorrowsworn)
Rogue: I pet the doggies.
DM: ...they have horrifying lamprey mouths.
Rogue: Still.

----------


## Telok

"It's a bit of fire. Just put yourself out. Seriously, you've whined less about having your eyeballs exploded."

----------


## DigoDragon

> 2: but was the scroll tube stored in a chest?
> 4: in new orleans, the spelling is carnAval ;)


2. In fact, it was!
4. Ah, good catch. My auto-correct did not recognize the alternative spelling. I have corrected it. Thanks!

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

> *GM*: "Going through the town is faster due to the forest terrain being impenetrable."
> *Doc*: "Unless you're a German tank."


I would say that strongly depends on the German tank in question.

Tanks are not actually very good treecutters, and you have to do it very slowly and carefully and even then there's a chance the tree will fall on [and break] your tank. 

And I imagine WWII era tanks, with overloaded transmissions and much less horsepower than a modern tank, would have a very bad time of it.

----------


## ZeroGear

> 5: "when i die, please clear my browsing history"


He was later reincarnated in a different world as a slime.


Dave: "Who hides a spare lab key in a pudding cup?"
June: "Probably the same guy that decides you need chess pieces to open a library."
Dave: "Ah. Raccoon City Architects."

Crazed Doctor: "Let us begin the procedure. To start: we shall take some readings to establish a baseline." *Device in hand starts buzzing*
Nova: "If that's anything like a thermometer, it had BETTER be Oral!"

Nova, OOC: You used me as a SHIELD!
Marv, OOC: Technically, I used the table you were strapped to. Oh, hey! My food just arrived!
Nova, OOC: I hope someone SHAT in it!

----------


## Lord Raziere

"Hah! By that logic, I'm a goat princess"

"All hail queen of the goats"

----------


## DigoDragon

*Max*: "I probably shouldn't be eating ice considering I had a root canal done yesterday."
*Doc*: "Now why'd you go and do a thing like that?"
*Max*: "Well, I was scheduled for surgery two days prior, and then the enamel of this tooth decided to pop off."
*Doc*: "You are not having any luck this week."
*Max*: "Not a bit. So anyway, I start blasting..."

*Azriel*: "Congrats, you invented the drum."

*GM*: "You see an ash outline of where the donkey was standing."
*Doc*: "Is this info that I have... _ascertained_?"
*Mirror*: *_Gibbs-slaps Doc_*

*Max*: "What's on the index card?"
*Charity*: "The history of successful Gnomish inventions."

*Max*: "I saw the two ships crash, but I didn't see them sink."
*GM*: "Because they were in space."
*Max*: "In *Moana*?!"
*GM*: "Err, then no."

*Max*: "Doc, take 5 more."
*Doc*: "Wait, 5 more damage?"
*Max*: "No, healing."
*Doc*: "Oh! Phrasing, dude!"

*Azriel*: "Frosted Lucky Charms..."
*Mirror*: "They'll blow you butt to pieces!"

*Max*: "Never let it be said that we didn't do the least we could do."

*Charity*: "It's God, Kent!"

*Wizard*: "What's going on?"
*Doc*: "Let me explain..."
[Beat]
*Doc*: "No time. Let me summarize..."

*Mayor*: "What the hell is going on?"
*Doc*: "Interesting choice of words. Your daughter is the devil."
*Mayor*: "She's a teenager, of course she is."
*Doc*: "No, but..."
*Mirror*: "Let me try. Ahem, she's got a boy in her room."
*Mayor*: "WHAT?! I'll kill her!"

*GM*: "Max, the guard is running behind you, sword in hand, butt-naked."
*Max*: "Is that a sword in your pocket or are you... oh."
*Doc*: "He hasn't got pockets.The guard is duel-wielding in the wind."

*Charity*: "I can explain the warlock. Not so much the naked guard behind him."

----------


## Telok

Mind flayer: "Of course we knew those things were here. It's marked on all the maps as 'Horror' because of the clockwork horrors. Didn't you check the library before you agreed to this?"
Pc: "No.
MF: "Well earn your pay and get us out of here. We'll hire some adventurers to come back complete the mission."
Pc: "Heyyy"
MF: "Not you. Someone competent."

----------


## DigoDragon

> MF: "Not you. Someone competent."


That's a save versus massive damage.  :Small Big Grin: 


*GM*: "And Motown just put out a hit contract on the warlock."

*Wizard*: "I have a conundrum."
*Doc*: "As a bard, I have proficiency to play that."

*Azriel*: "Take the stimpack! You don't know when the tax refund is coming."

*Max*: "Their army suffered a spontaneous unscheduled disassembly."

*Doc*: "Did you just say Condo Shaman?"

*Azriel*: "It's a magical dagger. Conjures wounds."

*Charity*: "Mom knows two spells--Rage and Powerword Fist."
*Mirror*: "I named my hooves _Death_ and _Taxes_."

*GM*: "Does anyone want to name the mule?"
*Mirror*: "No."
*Azriel*: "Kevin."
*Charity*: "Roach."
*Max*: "Bojack."
*Doc*: "Mulia"
*GM*: "No it is."

*Mirror*: "The bard's barred from buffs."

*Doc*: "Oh look, there goes a yellow-belly mud sucker!"
*Hobgoblin*: *_drops dead_*
*Max*: "Did you just...?"

*Doc*: "Achievement unlocked! This stab toward enemy!"

----------


## Matuka

Random guy: isn't butter flammable?
Gm: I have no idea but it is now, the robot detonates.

----------


## Coventry

*Spoiler: Dreaded context*
Show

The final game session quotes for this set of characters ... we defeated the big bad last night, and the campaign wrapped.




*Arksbane*:  Mint chocolate chip ... chicken?

*Killian*:  Lack of adult supervision.

*Killian-OOC*:  For the first time in my life, I don't want to roll a natural 20.

*Frighid*:  (lands alpha strike)
*DM*:  (calculates) ... he has 1 hit point left
*Spark*:  I fling a rock at his head
(dice):  ... yes.

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

*Alesia*: "FRIENDS! :P"

*Commissar Titus*: "Stop being dominated or I'll execute you!"

*Ship's Chaplain*: *runs into room* "BEGONE FOUL HELLSPAW..."
*Alesia*: *omnomnom...~burp* ;)

*Psyker Pompeii*: "Look, you've overstayed your welcome. Please go away."
*Alesia*: "NO I HAVEN'T! I'M ALWAYS WELCOME _EVERYWHERE_! :)"

*Commissar Titus*: "FIRE! DIRECT ONSLAUGHT! FULL PAYLOAD! AERIAL SPOTTER!"
*I, the GM*: "That's 5 CP. With all your guardsmen and your basilisk, you're not far from being the loyal 32."

Telling a missing player after the session:
*Rogue Trader Mediabelle* [missing player]: "Two birds with one stone should not factor us in as birds guys."

----------


## Guizonde

character creation for dark heresy 2e:

brigbal: ok, knowing the dm, i'm going to make the most ruthless character i know how to make.
bernie the medic: a space marine?
grigori the desperado: an assassin?
brigbal: a shady accountant.
dm: *shivers*

brother v5.32 the techpriest seeker: hey, can i look like doc octopus from spiderman?
brigbal the savant: don't you want to be at least a bit competent?

wynnif the psyker: hey guys! i can read minds!
grigori: *thinks really hard about bomb collars on psykers*
wynnif: ... that's not nice.

bernie: ok, i may be a dumb ex-guardsman but why is grigori our stealther? i've seen smaller ogryn!
grigori: *cycles shotgun* corpses don't count as witnesses.

v5.32: oh man, this is gonna be a walk in the park! we've got cyborgs, shotguns, lasers, grenades, and even a mind-reader! this campaign is as good as solved!
dm: *chuckles*
wynnif: yeah, not even gonna bother reading minds. this is gonna suck.

----------


## Necroticplague

Gene: I know you haven't read up enough to know what an alp is, so I'll keep it simple: she's helping us because otherwise, she'll never see her hat this side of forever.

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

> bernie: ok, i may be a dumb ex-guardsman but why is grigori our stealther? i've seen smaller ogryn!
> grigori: *cycles shotgun* corpses don't count as witnesses.
> 
> v5.32: oh man, this is gonna be a walk in the park! we've got cyborgs, shotguns, lasers, grenades, and even a mind-reader! this campaign is as good as solved!
> dm: *chuckles*
> wynnif: yeah, not even gonna bother reading minds. this is gonna suck.


Sounds like they're getting in the spirit already!

----------


## Guizonde

> Sounds like they're getting in the spirit already!


i know right? i'm as excited about it as i'm nervous about doing a good job dm'ing!

----------


## Solamnicknight

*Elise* "Thanks for covering that! I owe you one."
*Serendelle* "You do owe me, you're paying me back!"

----------


## ZeroGear

*Spoiler: Heretical Context:*
Show

The last big campaign came to a close while the forums where down, and unfortunately the notes got lost in the shuffle. As such, New story, new characters!

*Spoiler: Characters:*
Show


Ruker (M) - Half-Orc barbarian from the northern tribes. Not the brightest bulb.
Jaxx (M) - Teifling rogue, trickster and occasional flirt. Very dry sense of humor.
Elandro Juanape MÃ*guele Alexaner Fortissimo Lopez the 3rd (Juan) (M?) - Half-Elf Elicter and the biggest drama queen to the point of being corny. Usually portrayed as male, but never confirmed gender.
Violetta (F) - Human Elementals with a preference of using electricity and weather magic. Essentially a storm mage.
Ariana (F) - Halfling cleric of Hlal (Dragon goddess of luck). Always cheerful, loves making jokes about people's height.



*Spoiler: System/Setting*
Show

Homebrew Pathfinder setting suing the SoP and SoM supplements. The world essentially sees dragons as divine messengers and has adopted the worship of the dragon pantheon.


Ariana: "So? How are you all?"
Jaxx: "Oh I'm just fine. It's not like we're hanging upside-down in a kobold larder waiting for those little pests to flay our skin off before marinading us in oil until we're nice and crispy."
Juan: "NOOOOOO! Hot oil is bad for the skin! IT'LL RUIN MY COMPLEXION!"

Ruker: "Ruker not like chains. RELEASE RUKER NOW!"
Violetta: "I don't think they're listening. Try yelling louder, I'm sure they'll hear you then."
Ruker: "RUKER NOT LIKE CHAINS! *RELEASE RUKER NOW!!!*"
Violetta: "Maybe they're far away, try louder."
Ruker: "RELEASE RUKER NOW!!!!" *bursts chains*
Violetta: "...huh...didn't think that would work."

Jaxx: "I'm going to turn all pint-sized pests into mincemeat!"
Ariana: "Hey!"
Jaxx: "Present company excluded, of course."

Juan: "Yes, gaze upon my dancing! Delight your gaze upon my luscious posterior! Feast your eyes upon my glorious form!"
Violetta: "Are we sure he's a guy?"

Ruker: "Ruker smash puny lizards!"
Jaxx: "Ah yes, scale-meat paste. The traditional cuisine of the northern tribes."
Ruker: "Nah. Stone fist tribe have yack-mash as specialty."
Jaxx: "...yum..."

Violetta: "You just don't have the spark. Yet." *blasts lizard man with a ball of electristity*

Jaxx: "The Cave is collapsing! Everyone out!"
Ariana: "Gender and Vertically challenged people first!"
Juan: "All this running is going to be murder on my calves!"

Violetta: "There's the exit! Pick up the pace!"
Ariana: "Why not 'pick up the halfling'?"
Ruker: "Ruker do." *grabbs Ariana*
Ariana: "My brawny half-naked hero!"

Juan: "We're alive!"
Violetta: "You make it seem like we were in any real danger. Don't sell us short."
Ariana: "I like being short, just not being sold."

----------


## Xiander

Bard from a noble house: "I signed that contract with my house name, we have to fulfill it, my house is very important."
Poor as dirt Rogue: "You have a house?"

----------


## comicshorse

" Revenge rides a slow pig " Old Dwarven saying

----------


## Guizonde

really old quotes:

amon: next experience: castrating an ork.

amon: now i'm imagining an ork licking its foot.

dm: you've gotta buy the upgrade.
ray: which one? a new pilot?
ross: hey!!

dm: the hangar door is destroyed.
ray: knock-knock!

ray: you da bomb!
amon: yes.

dm: you are sitting on a metallic corduroy cushion.

amon: *raises eyebrow*
team: 0.o

amon: you weren't heretical enough.
dm: how does that work?

dm: the ship explodes.
ray: represented by mayonnaise.

dm: the station is about to fire.
ray: *puts a lighter on the station*

mj: something big just exploded.
amon: *holding an atomic bomb* not my fault!

amon: uh, what does raymond usually say?
jace: swear in occitan, it works well!
amon: i really should listen when he speaks...

----------


## DigoDragon

Missed these from a past session:


*Doc*: "They'll hatch in 3-4 weeks, which is about the window period you're often given for the cable guy to show up."

*Max*: "Doesn't some fey food cause you... issues?"
*Doc*: "This isn't Metamucil."

*GM*: "No, some people do win the Gong Show."
*Charity*: "Those people aren't us."

*GM*: "The boars are wearing studded leather bards."
*Doc*: "Excuse me?"
*GM*: "Barding! I meant studded leather barding!"

*Flaming Sphere*: "Avon calling!!"

*Charity*: "My inner pyro is disappointed."
*Mirror*: "Mine too."
*Max*: "I didn't want the sphere to burn any potential loot."
*Charity*: "Oh! Okay well in that case my inner pyro can deal."
*Mirror*: "Same."
*Azriel*: "Doc, your family scares me."
*Doc*: "You don't say..."

*Mirror*: "Doc spent most of his spell slots, Charity spent most of her spell slots, and Azriel... is a warlock."

----------


## Rater202

*produces scalpel* "Strip naked and lay on the kitchen table."

***

"Splitting the cookie won't work, that'll just kill him."

----------


## Telok

Walrus: "I know you think you aren't beautiful enough for me, but thats OK. I'm gorgeous enough for both of us!"
Hag: "Thanks for the nightmare fuel. If I give you guys the artifact will you make the walrus go away?"

----------


## ZeroGear

Jaxx: "We're safe, we're sound... who are you all anyway?"
Violetta: "Wait, we didn't introduce ourselves yet?"
Ariana: "We were a little short on time back there."

Ruker: "Ruker confused. Why girly-man not use proper name when referring to girly-man? Did girly-man not get proper name ceremony yet?"
Juan: "Girly-man?"
Jaxx: "A rather apt description."

Ariana: "Mommy!" *Hugs Juan*
Juan: "NOOOOO! I'm too young and male to be a mother!"
Jaxx: "That's debatable."

Ariana: "Rukie-pie, please don't smash the shopkeeper, he didn't mean it."

Violetta: "Oooh! Clothing store!"
Juan & Ariana: "Shopping Spree!!!!!"

Jaxx: "Wow, what a big, dark, creepy hole in the ground leading to unknown dangers and crumbling ruins full of dangerous creatures. Ruker, you go first."

Ariana: "SPIDER!"
Violetta: "Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!"
Juan: "Hit it with a stick! Hit it with a stick!"

Jaxx: "Hang on, I'll pick the lock."
Ruker: "Ruker fix!" *rips door of hinges*
Jaxx: "That works too."

Juan: "Heeeeelp! I'm Drowning!"
Jaxx: "Don't worry, I'll save you from the angle-deep pool of water."

----------


## Guizonde

dark heresy: the tutorial session. in which the players try and figure out how to work together.

inquisitor melman: i'm sending you on a milk run. just a rumor of a landowner using xenos crops. any questions?
bernie: yeah, when's happy hour?

hotel clerk: here's a map of the city, you can rent vehicles next door. any questions?
bernie: yeah, when's happy hour?

dm: so, wynnif, grigori, and bernie, you arrive at a nice looking bar next to the airport.
wynnif: if you don't ask if it's happy hour, i'm buying you drinks.
bernie: deal.

v5.32: why don't we go to the authorities to ask for leads?
bernie: yeah, that's a good idea. but aren't we supposed to be the authorities?

v5.32: hello bartender, do you serve alcohol-like drinks for a perfectly normal and not at all a cyborg human?
bartender: *barfs*

dm: as the bartender pukes, 2 well-dressed serfs run away.
v5.32: please stop in an orderly fashion.
dm: bernie, you're in the doorway. what do you do?
bernie: i perform a takedown with my pattern 970 entrenching tool. *crits*
dm: one of the serfs is on the floor clutching his groin trying to remember how to breathe.
v5.32: i did ask them to stop.

grigori: i've been interrogated enough to know how to do one. get me jumper cables, a car battery, and take off his pants.
bernie: uh, as a medical professional, i must tell you that electrocuting his groin is in poor taste.
grigori: why, soldier boy? you got a conscience?
bernie: no, his dangly bits are the size of grapefruits. jumper cables are too small.

bernie: DON'T TOUCH MY SHOVEL!! *licks the shovel*
v5.32: yeah, not touching it after that.

dm: as you leave the interrogation cell, arbites commissioner langlois gives you an approving glance and asks, "that was a damn good interrogation, do you have experience in the arbites"?
grigori: something like that.

v5.32: damn, out-roboted by bureaucracy.

dm: grigori drives you around perfectly like a driver who's racked up 571 traffic tickets in  two weeks.
grigori: i'm still the sector-wide record holder.

wynnif: you're a walking hate crime on the traffic code.
grigori: friggin' mind reader.

dm: are you sure you want to read that mind?
wynnif: yes.
*reads mind*
wynnif: anybody got brain bleach?

brigbal: bad news, i messed up the paperwork. good news, we're in a 5-star hotel on the inquisition payroll. bad news, the inquisitor knows about it. good news, it won't come and bite us for another 3 years.
bernie: woooooh, let's celebrate.
*looks at vostroyan premium vodka pricetag*
bernie: maybe let's wait until the mission's over, instead.
brigbal: that can be misfiled, too.

wynnif: why is it that men always picture me undressed?
brigbal: because you're a beautiful redhead?
wynnif: then why do they get it wrong?
brigbal: if that frustrates you, never work in the administratum.
v5.32: believe me, people get what's under my robes so wrong even i make mistakes.

grigori: right, i believe it's time for violence.
brigbal: before dinner?
grigori:... ok, after dinner.

bernie: space elf cocaine with an obscura chaser. let's see. it should lead to dilated pupils, insomnia, incoherence, vomiting... *ping* that bartender was a junkie!
dm: and it only took you 2 real-life hours to figure it out!
wynnif: glad to know he's competent. i'll remind you of that when grigori's gutshot and bleeding out in a gutter, you'll be saying,"gee, that's a lot of blood for a papercut!"
grigori: friggin' mind reader.

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

More 40k!

*Armech, the Techpriest*: *Rolls 0 successes and a Complication on like 12 dice* I, the expert in technology, have no idea what rare weapon available to AdMech HQ's would deflagrate a person from the inside out.

*Oslo, the Space Wolf Intercessor*: Man, these bodyguards suck. Didn't even kill a single attacker.

*Titus, the Commissar*: Damn. We're going to table breaching through the ceiling as a first option for every future problem until we get do it.

*Titus*: Hey, gov'na, which of these paintings is most valuable?
*Planetary Governor*: *terrified* Uh, uh, that one!
*I, the GM*: It's a painting of the Emperor stabbing a serpentine monster, framed in gold.
*Titus*: Great! We'll take it. Guardsmen, be careful with it! Stormtroopers, prioritize jewels over large objects, you can fit more in your pockets.


after the session:
*Player*: I kind of want to not tell him what happened until next session. That way we just start with flying in a Caestus towards a Necron Tombship and he'll be like "what?"

----------


## Guizonde

> More 40k!
> 
> *Armech, the Techpriest*: *Rolls 0 successes and a Complication on like 12 dice* I, the expert in technology, have no idea what rare weapon available to AdMech HQ's would deflagrate a person from the inside out.
> 
> *Oslo, the Space Wolf Intercessor*: Man, these bodyguards suck. Didn't even kill a single attacker.
> 
> *Titus, the Commissar*: Damn. We're going to table breaching through the ceiling as a first option for every future problem until we get do it.
> 
> *Titus*: Hey, gov'na, which of these paintings is most valuable?
> ...


is this taken from wrath and glory? how's the system handling-wise? also, requisition doesn't count as looting.

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

> is this taken from wrath and glory? how's the system handling-wise? also, requisition doesn't count as looting.


The party prefers to think of what they're doing as "denying assets to the enemy".


We are playing Wrath and Glory. Most of my players really like it [there's one that doesn't, but every complaint has boiled down to "it's not DH"]. 

It doesn't have the built-up mass of material that the FFG40k RPG's have, so I end up making up most of the profiles for enemies and weapons myself. Profiles can't be directly ported over from the codecies, so by comparison a lot of the ones I pull out of my ass are of more questionable balance.

My one complaint is with the relative balance of wargear, circumstantial modifiers, and characteristics. Armor is generally low compared to toughness and amounts to about a shift worth of protection, so AP isn't really crippling to lack. On the flip side, with a high enough BS, anything is high damage: the shooters in the party are throwing like 16 dice to hit targets [Even a NPC guardsman throws 9 dice for BS, and targets are basically all Defense 3], so they shift like 2-4 dice to damage routinely. Cover doesn't make a difference, because if your throwing 16 dice to hit defense 3 CSM, you're going to have enough non-shiftable dice over 3 that basically anything that modifies defense doesn't do squat unless it's a really big modifier, at which point it really exists to eat shifts more than prevent you from getting hit.
Also, as a GM, be aware that shifting for damage will definitely kill your PC's. They're really fragile [which, to be fair, they are in Dark Heresy too, but in DH they have fate/infamy points to not die and just get horribly maimed when they get vaporized].



More quotes from that session:
*Benedict, the Ultramarine Tactical*: Here kid, have a bolter. Try to hit that target.
*Planetary Governor's 6 Year Old Kid*: *fires Space Marine sized bolter, breaks arm* AHHH! MY ARM! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!
*Benedict*: Writing in my notebook: "Planetary Government cannot be trained into a fighting force."

*Planetary Governor*: *pleading* I though we were going to to a Garden World! 
*Oslo*: We have to make a pit stop to battle some Necrons.
*Titus*: They're robot skeletons that have lightning guns that will strip the skin off your body and arc between people to melt entire squads. And then they'll wear your flesh like suit.
*Benedict*: Yeah, tough too. They don't stay dead and just stand back up after you shoot them down.
*Planetary Governor*: But, but I'll stay here and be safe?
*Benedict*: That's not why we gave you that autogun and are having you practice on our range. At least you have a lot of fat for their gauss guns to flay away before they get to anything important.
*Planetary Governor*: AIIEEE! *passes out*

*Benedict*: Of course Sgt. Caeserus is in charge of the kill team. He's an Ultramarine!

----------


## Guizonde

> The party prefers to think of what they're doing as "denying assets to the enemy".


noted and filed for later use.

inquisitor melman: i have full faith in you.
grigori: i suddenly feel uneasy.

wynnif: i could rip out all your secrets from your mind, but frankly, my psyche does not have rubber boots to wade through that cess-pit. grigori?
grigori: great. i'm rubber boots, now.
brigbal: *writing* one pair... of... psychic... rubber boots. which size?

v5.32: ok, i dropped my robes, and i'm wearing arbites black fatigues. should make me seem friendly to the serfs and workers.

dm: roll endurance to see if you like the beer.
bernie: HURP! maybe the sweetmeats are better.
dm: roll?
bernie: HURP! AGAIN!

bernie: look, all i'm saying is that beer shouldn't be chewed.
wynnif: where the hell did you go? a cereal factory?
brigbal: you'd think on an agri-world they'd know their way around grains...

v5.32: i sip motor oil seductively while looking at the wall outlet.

----------


## Coventry

> requisition doesn't count as looting.


That depends.  According to Battletruck (1982, also known as "Warlords of the 21st Century"):

*Striker*:  Willy!  Inventory and Requisition!
*Willy* (to the men):  LOOT!  LOOT!

(probably the only thing worth remembering about that movie.)

----------


## TrashTrash

*Spoiler: Legend for names*
Show


C: Our Wizard with anger issues.
D: Our Fighter with a dog.
Dy: Our Druid with enabling tendencies.
G: Our Ranger with no filter and ADD.
J: Our Barbarian with possible brain damage.
T: Our Rogue with no situational awareness.
B: Our Wild Magic Sorcerer with the luck of the gods.
DM: Our long-suffering and mostly-patient Dungeon Master.
Cosmo: Our Fighter's dog who doesn't like J very much.



G: "No thanks, I choose life."

C: "Hey, G, Dy, I need healing!"
DM: "Both healers dipped. I literally _just_ told you."

C: "I cast an illusion to make it look like I put my weapons on the ground."
G: "Do you put your brain on the ground, too?"

G: "Sure, she shot you. But she didn't mean it, it was just a warning shot."
C: "WARNING SHOTS DON'T CONNECT!"

D: "I'm gonna go pet my dog and let you chuckleheads figure this out."
J: "I'm going with D."
C: "Don't touch Cosmo."

Dy: "Roll for gravity."

T: "How bad could it be to have your soul removed?"
DM: "Pretty bad. Pretty much the worst thing possible."
J: "So not as bad as stepping on a LEGO. Got it."

G: "Are the velociraptors magical?"

D: "On a scale of 1-10, how bad will this attack hurt?"
DM: *mishears* "No, I need d8s."

C: "I need, like, 6 d8s."
DM: "We have two. Improvise."

Dy: "Does anyone else have healing spells?"
G: "I have a spell, yes."
Dy: "Okay, how many spell slots do you have left?"
G: "I have _a_ spell, yes."

----------


## Telok

W: "A pool in the middle of a room with an altar. I bet it's tentacles."
S: "I think it's going to be a robot or a distraction."
C: "It could be another trap, but I think tentacles too.
W: "I stand behind the door and chuck a grenade in the pool."
Dm describes a giant armored jellyfish thing flying out of the pool to attack.
All: "Tentacles."

----------


## Guizonde

langlois: ok, so what's the plan?
grigori: you guys take the hangar, we take the house and arrest the farmer.
wynnifred: i detect a cloud of psychic energy coming from the hangar.
*obvious group sized pang of guilt*
grigori: you know what? we'll take the hangar.

dm: surprise round! *ten gretchin shoot*
bernie: ow! what the hell are these things?!
v5.32: uh, xenos of the ork genus, i believe.
bernie: wrong. they're dead is what they are.

brigbal: *death glare*
farmer leduc: what seems to be the matter officer? *shakes*
brigbal: *death glare*
farmer leduc: ok, i confess, i screwed up!*starts crying tears of fear*
brigbal: *death glare*
*arbites take leduc away*
brigbal: *grins* not too shabby for a 73 year old accountant. 
dm: what'll you do now?
brigbal: i'm gonna loot the fridge.

wynnifred: THERE'S AN ORK BEHIND YOU!!
*ork hits grigori with his choppa*
grigori ooc: i really wanna hit him with my chainsword in revenge.
bernie ooc: that's suicide!
dm: you totally should.
grigori: i'm totally gonna hit him with my chainsword. *crits*
*ork dies in one hit*
grigori: i totally hit him with my chainsword.
dm: you totally did.

bernie: *kills 3 gretchin in one salvo* i hate xenos.
dm: you know the first step to making mushroom stew?
bernie: kill the mushrooms. *shoots and kills 3 gretchin with one salvo AGAIN*

grigori: aw crap, i threw the grenade the wrong way!
wynnifred: *telekinesis*
*grenade explodes smack dab in the middle of the horde of gretchin*
wynnifred: no you didn't.

langlois: you guys do this often?
v5.32: second day on the job, actually.

v5.32: i'd like to recommend commissionner langlois' valiant efforts in helping us close the case.
inquisitor melman: i know just what i can do for him.
*...*
*langlois arrives wearing an inquisitorial badge*
grigori: you too, huh?
langlois: the emperor expects.
bernie: vodka?
langlois: YES, PLEASE!!

*Spoiler*
Show

great session, good roleplay, and a new character! adeptus arbites commissionner langlois. think judge dredd, but with a smoking habit and a grenade launcher

----------


## Debatra

"So what do I know about the nutritional value of human flesh?"

-- Elf Wizard

----------


## Rater202

> "So what do I know about the nutritional value of human flesh?"
> 
> -- Elf Wizard


I guess the elf Wizard needed food badly?

----------


## Guizonde

double feature this week:

dalarium:

lucii: believe me, my fighter is the best you've ever seen, she's great.
npc: well, she looks enough like a sir. whatever.
belsunce: that's sexist.
lucii: a win's a win.

belsunce: *misses*
npc: *misses*
belsunce: *misses*
npc: *misses*
militia: oh wow, i've never seen such a level of skill before...

militia: this is disgusting! what the hell is that?!
sylvie the server: lemon. you squeeze the juice onto the crab, you don't eat the rind.
militia: ... i knew that.

zbeb: *pickpockets*
dm: you loot the guard's shoelaces. *rolls* he trips and falls.

zbeb: *pickpockets* 
sylvie the server: mind asking your sneak to give me back my underwear?
zbeb: *dies of shame*

malax: i'm gonna be a pro doctor this time around.
medical orderly: is this a prescription for ammonia, white phosphorus, and strychnine?
malax: yes.

zbeb: *pickpockets himself*
dm: you fail. what did you expect?
zbeb: *cries in subtitles*
militia: well, that was weird, i just got a text notification of zbeb trying to pickpocket himself...
lucii: who the hell are you talking about?!

____________

dark heresy:

v5.32: i just learned i go full autistic when i read numbers.
brigbal: so i can stop flicking paper airplanes at you?

bernie: hey, grigori! let's go to the bar.
grigori: yeah, going with wynnifred this time around!
bernie: she can come too!
wynnifred: ok, i'll go to the bar while you investigate the crime scene!
bernie: so i'm going with you!
wynnifred: i'll go with grigori!
bernie: perfect! a threesome!
grigori: he's not getting the hint, is he?

v5.32: so, i calculate the manufactorum has a drop in production of 0,04 percent.
brigbal: and it seems to be linked to hangar c-39, specifically in their delivery methods.
team AND two inquisitors: nerds.

bernie: ... so, anyway, i kicked him in the balls.
brigbal, waking up: ... huh? did someone say my name?
*team snickers* yeah, you deserve it for being so awesome.
brigbal: oh, good. *snoozes*

wynnifred: *rolls psychic power* *rolls double*
wynnifred: oh no.
dm: *rolls psychic phenomena* oh no.
grigori ooc: oh no.
dm: *rolls perils of the warp* OH NO
wynnifred: OH NO
grigori: well, nice knowing ya, wynnif!

dm: how did you find a ham sandwich in a file cabinet?
brigbal: it was filed under "delicious".

bernie: i hate heresy. *finds a jacknifed truck* must be the work of some xenos.
wynnifred: or it could be heretics.
*investamagating* *finding splinter crystals*
wynnifred: ... or it could be xenos.
bernie: I KNEW IT!!

grigori: yeah. i'm looking for a job.
gangboss: you can drive?
grigori: yes.
gangboss: good, you start a 6 am.
grigori: that was easy.
v5.32: i'm gonna have a talk about this work gang's recruitment policy.

----------


## M. Arillius

*Fae Character:* _"Don't you just hate it when they just say your name? Like you're supposed to know what that means?"_
*Troll Monk NPC:* _"Right? And then they say 'I can't think fast enough to articulate your stupidity before it gets worse' like it's somehow your fault."_
*Fae Character:* _"Gods, that's so annoying! You know, maybe you're not so bad after all. My name is-"_
*Troll Monk NPC:* _*Punches Fae with Cold Iron gauntlet*_

----------


## Avista

Me: So, something happened.
PC1: What did you do?
Me: Wait-
PC2: what did you do?
Me: I take offense you think it's my fault!
PC3: WHAT DID YOU DO!?
Me: For once! Just once! Can you not blame me!?
PC2: Okay. But were you involved?
Me: ...Not directly.
PC1: That doesn't mean much.
PC3: What did you do?

Me: *proceeds to make my rogue cry in the corner.*

We had a good laugh.  :Small Big Grin:

----------


## Guizonde

lucii: look, all we did was spend 3 months of minimum wage on a coat. no big deal.

louka: ok, i'm adding a flamethrower to my halberd.
militia: here's a shotgun.
louka: today on "pimp my halberd!"

malax: pookie's gone. *cries*
militia: i trust that doctor as far as i can throw him.

malax: i try and wake up louka in the dark. *fumbles*
militia: AH! UGLY FACE!! *starts blasting*

dm: yeah, the arms on that rat-wolf that are strangling you? they're human.
belsunce: ok, first i'm gonna break it, then i'm gonna puke.

dm: the dock workers are revolting, and are demanding a safer work environment.
lucii: have i mentionned i'm socialist today?

zbeb: *manages to pickpocket himself*
dm: ok, that was cool.
lucii: who the hell is that guy?!

zbeb: i just had an entire conversation involving eye blinks and croatian subtitles.
militia: mind teaching me?
lucii: who are you talking to?
militia: the dude malax is trying to body slam.

sylvie: zbeb, yellow is definitely not your color.
zbeb: *cries*
belsunce: told you

----------


## Heavenblade

"Sure, the FAIRY PRINCESS can go the cursed island. But when mama wolf does it, she gets Corona virus!"

----------


## TriggerGunther

From various Sessions of Albedo: 
*DM:* Alright, you ensure that this giraffe will never install toilet paper the wrong way again by court marshaling him. 

*Biggs (Puma, Commanding Officer, Freefall Infantry):* You authorized an ACV strike on the Net-cultists? 
*Asrhei (Jackal, Tactical Advisor/Grenadier):* Sir, with all due respect, ACV is short for 'Airstriking Cultist Villages', Sir!


*DM:* The Horse in a disheveled business suit tells you that his name is Bojack Horse-Person.


* Unnamed Mouse NPC, holding a gun:* Now now, we're not stealing from you folks. We're just suggesting that you share. 
* Chahr (Hyena, Guerrilla Heavy Machine Gunner):* Oh so you're forcing us to share, at gunpoint. You're right, that isn't stealing, that's communism.


*DM:* This planet is so bad, that when the critters actually bother inventing religion, they will name the place bad people go when they die after it.


*Nathan (Tiger, Computer Hacker):* I'd like the change the serial number on these pistols so the space ATF can't track us.
*DM:* With all due respect, you are the space ATF. You even burned a bunch of cultists living in the middle of nowhere alive and no one thinks it was you.


* Hans (Badger NPC):* I'm Hans! 
* Frans (Twin Badger NPC):* And I'm Frans! 
* Hans and Frans together:* And We are here to F*** you up! 

* Amy (Fox, Sniper):* I dunno if we should kill this guy, what has he really done?
* Asrhei:*  I want to roll disguise to lie and convince Amy that this guy we need to take out has touched children inappropriately and murdered a space-puppy.
* DM:*  So about that... He has done the former and only hasn't done the latter because people don't keep pets on this planet. Roll Persuade instead.

----------


## Guizonde

dark heresy: the first casualty of the game, due to a player dropping out. brigbal is now an npc.

wynnifred: i got stoned flying around a psychic projection of the city. now i know how hippies feel.

arbites: uh, commissionner? that's not how an investigation works.
langlois, pointing to his inquisition badge: you're the law, maybe. but _i_ am the law.

v5.32: by the omnissiah, i think i just went full niagara in my briefs. 
grigori: does it smell like motor oil and sexual frustration in here or is it just v?

dm: you're undercover in a 16 wheeler truck with an obese lecherous teammate with digestive problems.
grigori: the emperor expects. at least the radio stations are good.

bernie: wait, hold up. you're a psyker?
melman: yes. 
bernie: you've met the emperor then?!
melman: yes, i've been in his presence.
bernie: *squees and prostrates himself*

melman: you know how bernie is... aggravating?
wynnifred: soooooo much.
melman: i think he's a blank.
wynnifred: i think he's just an idiot.

bernie: so, i'm going undercover in a strip club? the emperor expects i guess.
grigori ooc: i feel so jealous right now.
dm ooc: shut up and keep driving your 16 wheeler. at least the radio works.

wynnifred: *munches on a huge bag of candy in a traumatized fashion*

grigori: you know, when i woke up this morning, i didn't expect to steal my boss' pants flying high on 'slaught and obscura.

v5.32 ooc: so what happens to brigbal?
dm: until further notice, he'll keep stealing ham sandwiches and chewing on books.
bernie ooc: think he could get me some too?

melman: our vodka budget just increased!
bernie: *happy dance*

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

"You know this is a good setting when you can go from fighting Egyptian Terminators with X-COM to being in a wild west train heist where the bandits are from Mad Max."

----------


## HalfTangible

> "You know this is a good setting when you can go from fighting Egyptian Terminators with X-COM to being in a wild west train heist where the bandits are from Mad Max."


Warhammer 40k? The first one sounds like Necrons but I'm not sure about the second. Chaos cultists? Maybe Speed Freek Orks?

----------


## Guizonde

> Warhammer 40k? The first one sounds like Necrons but I'm not sure about the second. Chaos cultists? Maybe Speed Freek Orks?


for me the first are more akin to thousand sons, but necrons can fit, too. the second could be simply bandits, but any other scenario is possible.

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

> Warhammer 40k? The first one sounds like Necrons but I'm not sure about the second. Chaos cultists? Maybe Speed Freek Orks?


Yeah, it's Warhammer 40k. The party helped the Deathwatch board a Necron tombship, and then went to help deal with some Orks on a frontier/agri world. 

I actually run 2 40k-based RPG's per week: Black Crusade and Wrath and Glory. I also just play 40k [IG, SoB, SW, GK, Custodes], I have a serious plastic crack addiction ;).




> for me the first are more akin to thousand sons, but necrons can fit, too. the second could be simply bandits, but any other scenario is possible.


Necrons are definitely "Egyptian Terminators" way more than the TSons will ever be, what with their Reanimation Protocols being called "We'll Be Back" at one point in time and their general skeletons & pyramids aesthetic and all their titles and names being obviously Ancient Egypt inspired like "Phaeron" and "Imhotekh". And as for the Orks being Mad Max Soccer Hooligans, have you seen the new Ork buggies, especially the Boomdakka Snazzwagon?

----------


## Telok

> Boomdakka Snazzwagon?


I want one. The name alone...

On topic:

"Hollow chocolate bunnies are a sign of the apocalypse."
"Give me all you flamer reloads. I need to cleanse this candy shop."

----------


## LastCenturion

"Can My Immortal be real in this universe?"

I hadn't read it up until now.

----------


## TriggerGunther

More Albedo Quotes: 

*Asrhei:* _Kicks in the back door to a Supermarket and draws her concealed Vz. 61 Skorpion_ I demand to speak with the manager! 


*Alysle (Only surviving Net Cultist, Allied NPC):* ...So you see, the Net was put here by the creators to monitor all of us. They uplifted us so they can use us as some kind of science experiment for something.
*Chahr:* And so the creators are the ones putting the chemicals in the water to make the native amphibians change gender? 
*Alysle:* No no, that's definitely the reptilian aliens, this is a completely different grand conspiracy! 


*Biggs:* Yeah, I'm gonna go take a dump. Asrhei is in charge until I get back.
*Asrhei:* Alright, where are the ACV launch codes?


*Nathan:* Can I roll computer science to invent Pong?


*Amy:* What makes you say Asrhei isn't a good person?
*Nathan:*  Are you sure we're talking about the same Jackal? She turned that rabbit into a pretzel!
*Amy:* Yes, but they were evil!


*Biggs:*  DM? I'd like to shoot myself in the head with my pistol! This will not do anything more than Wound me.
*DM:*  Err... what? 
*Asrhei, OOC:*  No, no, he's right. Looking at the damage table for the pistol, it can't do anything but wound him even on a crit.
*DM:*  _shakes head_ ...Roll Sidearms.

----------


## Guizonde

> More Albedo Quotes: 
> 
> *Asrhei:* _Kicks in the back door to a Supermarket and draws her concealed Vz. 61 Skorpion_ I demand to speak with the manager!


see? this is why you never go full karen. 'murica. i think. although judging by the choice of machine pistol...

----------


## TriggerGunther

> see? this is why you never go full karen. 'murica. i think. although judging by the choice of machine pistol...


So this is one of those situations where while it's funny without context, it's even funnier with context. Game takes place in a Sci Fi Universe where firearms technology is only about late 20th century, not America, and the DM just uses real world analogues for the kinetic weapons because most of the illustrations in the rulebook are just real weapons. In the rulebook it's called "Pistol, Automatic - Kinetic Weapon Model 1 - 24"
*Spoiler*
Show

So the party, Consisting of Amy, Nathan, Tek [a Fennec NPC Driver Companion/Asrhei's boyfriend] and Asrhei [Biggs was Absent this session], were sent a mission by the local Guerrilla forces to steal food from the ILR held city. Amy and Nathan were supposed to sneak into the Manager's office of a supermarket and steal the shipping manifest so we knew when the next truck of food was coming, which we were to highjack. While they were doing so, Asrhei went to go use the Supermarket's bathroom. Nathan got caught and was about to have his cover blown by a police officer who wanted to take his fingerprints, which would not have been in the ILR database. Asrhei, hearing this over the radio, assembled the M79 Grenade launcher she keeps in her backpack, slung it over her shoulder, and kicked open the bathroom door, hipchecking the emergency Exit along the way so the alarms went off and she could take advantage of the Chaos. She then screamed this at the top of her lungs and punched the manager in the snout.


Also, More no context Albedo quotes, because I have a lot. 

*Amy:*  Chahr... I'm sorry to tell you but... Amar... She didn't make it. 
*Chahr:* _HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME, I MADE MY MISTAKES, GOT NOWHERE TO RUN_


*DM:*  You find the network technician sitting his chair, hands still on the keyboard. His neck was slit open by a crude blade and the net relay he was guarding destroyed. 
*Biggs:* Damnit Nathan, this is what you get for inventing Pong!


*Biggs:* I was just out here looking for the sandwich delivery guy, have you seen them? 
*Enemy Guard NPC:* Oh man, that's probably what that alarm was about. I'll tell everyone to stand down. _The guard radios everyone else to stand down, then turns around and comes face to face with Asrhei, who rolled very well on her Stealth check_ 
*Asrhei:*I gotta Knuckle Sandwich Delivery for ya! _Asrhei lands a haymaker on him and rolls max damage, shattering his jaw_


*Nathan:*  That's not a Kangaroo Accent, Now this. This is a Kangaroo accent.
*DM:*  Wait, did you just call an Australian accent a _Kangaroo accent?_


*Revolver Ocelot [Revolver Ocelot]:* I just love the feeling of sliding a well greased cartridge into...
*Amy:*  I shoot him before he can finish his monologue. _Rolls a few dice to contest his speed and shoot him_
*DM:*  You slide a well greased bullet into his cranium, apparently.

----------


## HalfTangible

From one of the few IRL games I've played (this was a long time ago obv)

Antipaladin: "Come on, you brave, brave boy, come in here and get me!"
Me (Paladin): "No, this is obviously a trap. The monk can keep throwing rocks at you indefinitely, all we gotta do is stand here."
Monk: "Yeah."
DM: "Okay. Alchemist's turn."
Alchemist: "I step forward into the cave to lob a flask of acid at her."
DM: "As soon as you step in a wall of force rears up behind you."
Me: _internal screaming_

----------


## Guizonde

militia: with that kind of damage, i'm dead three and a half times over.
louka: i love this game.

dm: ok, let's recap last session. zbeb?
zbeb: 2d10

lucii: what? 105 [platinum piece equivalent] per month? ok, i think we can buy strawberries.

militia: i drink raki out of malax's boot.
malax: uh, i haven't taken my boots off for a week.
militia: it adds to the taste.

malax: i try to poop my abacus and i *roll* fail badly. my stomach hurts.

dm: you see a guy getting his head eaten off.
mallax: *rolls evaluation* yup, he's dead.

militia: can i reboot the medic? he's broken again.

belsunce: a plate of strawberries? handcuffs? all that's missing is the whipped cream.

militia: you know if he heals 17 wounds he revives me twice over.

zbeb: i'm the face you don't see.

----------


## EricAlvin

*DM1:* "No, the ogre is not Shrek, stop it!"

*PC1:* "May I choose a Jar of Bees?"

*PC1:* "How many eggs can I buy?"

*PC2:* "I'll name my horse Chattahoochee"

*DM2:* "I mean... you COULD use that, but..." *Grimaces*

*PC3:* "I cast lightning bolt on EricAlvin! What do you mean 'No'? You said I could do it the next time he casts 'Long Arms'!"

*DM3:* "Nonono, in a good way! It's a good thing, really! A positive effect! It's not evil!"

*PC2:* "I think i'll name this one... ChattaTwochee"

*DM1:* "No, that is not Fiona! Cut it out!"

----------


## DeTess

*Me:* Well, the cold never really bothered me anyway... 
*Me, immediately afterwards:* I'm so, so sorry.

----------


## HalfTangible

GM: Oh relax, what's the worst [NPC] could do?

Me: Find [P1's] friends and family and forge them into his new soulsteel cuirass? Occasionally reveal he's in the room with her while she's bathing, making it impossible to be comfortable in the shower ever again? Invent Twitter? Pass out false ads for her escort services at pricing so affordable even the desperate starved hobos of Thorns can afford it, meaning everyone in the entire city tries to find her and proposition her? Turn the bodies of her friends and family into flesh golems and send them after her? Oh! Trick her into eating innocent people made into "pork buns" through the application of illusions and trickery?

P1: "You are thinking _way_ too hard about this."

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

"If you shoot for your dreams, sometimes your dreams shoot back."

----------


## Vknight

From an Exalted game.

Rose;  So it is time we do politics.
Onyx;  So you mean kidnapping right?


Onyx;  I do not think you understand I'm a god.
Rose;  You are an exalted not a god.
Onyx;  I hear the prayers of people and can grant minor miracles with my will alone if that isn't a god then what am i missing the animal sacrifices?


Rose;  Yup you are crazy your body has gone insane and your soul is fighting it.
Crazy Chimera Lunar;  Oh well that explains the murder
Onyx;  *WHIPS A BOTTLE AT HIS HEAD!*,  AND THAT IS FOR RUNNING!


Gm;  I don't know who won tonight when it comes to accomplishments.
Quinn;  I played an Organ and had my Torment lowered
Cricket;  I was a nerd with a mage
Ruby;  I got some necromancer spells
-Everyone Stares at Onyx-
Onyx;  I only slept with 1 Dragon King.


Gm;  In the morning when you go to leave the Dragon King gives you a kiss she is very impressed.
Onyx;  I de-materialize like a god and repeat what she said back to me in old realm.
Gm;  Ok 1 she is blushing realizing you understood that, and 2 you just mind freaked a Dragon King because she thought you were not a god since her power lets her detect gods.
Ruby;  Did you just spend 12 Essence to mind freak a one-night stand?
Onyx;  Worth it

----------


## Yora

Played today on Roll20, of course.  :Small Wink: 

"We have to make sure nobody comes to the inn and starts looking where everyone has gone."
"Maybe we can put up a sign that says the inn is closed?"
"Perhaps we can get the mayor to say that so they believe it."
"Or there is a disease and everyone has to stay at home."

Evil priest plans to cast command on initiative count 4 to make the PCs cower on the floor for one round and buy himself more time.
Fighter on initiative count 5 wants to order him to surrender. "Stop fighting and get down on the floor!"
Priest: "No U!"
Fighter fails Wisdom save.

----------


## Guizonde

bernie: wait, those were psykers? i thought they were vegans!

v5.32: what does the diagnostor say?
grigori: salty.

dm: in the grim darkness of the far future, there is no spoon.

wynnifred: i out-kinked a drukhari.

langlois: incoming pineapple! *boom*
dm: oooh, no lube, no less!
bernie: man, are drukhari kinky or what?

melman: you're a pariah, bernie.
bernie: *cries in potterhead*

bernie: limiter off...
wynnif: *flinches*
bernie: limiter on...
wynnif: *sighs contentedly*
bernie: limiter off...
wynnif: *flinches*
bernie: i'm gonna have fun.

grigori: look, i always thought you were an idiot, bernie, but now i realize you're just handicapped! it's better, i think?

langlois: welp, no more dark eldar. drinks on the boss!
inquisitor melman: wait, what?

v5.32: i hook myself up to a lascannon battery and work sleeplessly for a week.
grigori: is that the equivalent of a caffeine i.v. for toasters?

grigori: v! quit hitting on the toaster! i want breakfast!
v5.32: she loves me more, meatbag!

----------


## Necroticplague

Nesdu: The fact you refer to expelling stream of plasma as vomiting instead of breathing implies some very horrific things about your digestive system. 
Gene: Trust me, you don't know the half of it.

----------


## Rater202

"That is what I would be trying to do if the Clans were not such bastards about hoarding knowledge... No offense intended, but seriously, everyone knows that designer genes are a better fit."

"I also hate shoes. They are uncomfortable and make it so that I can not feel the ground beneath my feet. Did you know that the synthetic caps at the end of the laces of civilian shoes are called aglets? Their true purpose is most sinister."

----------


## Telok

"Drunk knitting grandmothers playing mmos. Just what I needed."

----------


## DeTess

Cleric: I miss having minions we can boss around.
Alchemist: Right now, we _are_ the minions being bossed around.

Cleric: But having two different types of rope is important! The hemp one is for people that don't want to be tied up, and the silk one is for the people that do.

----------


## NRSASD

Well there goes that theory It was the sheep all along!

Can I use hordebreaker on the cube since it fills the hallway? 
No, its alone. 
No cube is a horde unto itself!

The greatest challenge of my life, facing the fallen High Abbot of the Brotherhood, and I fall into a pit!

----------


## PintoTown

Bard: Nevermet... a town I didnt like.

Ranger: My wolf companion needs healing.
Cleric: Thats ridiculous! Is he going to convert?!

Supers Mage: I crit on my Dispel Illusion spell.
Super Soldier: OH MY GOD!  Capitalism is a lie! Were just exploiting our weak! Its just making more and more money!

----------


## Rater202

"And I'm not a child. I'm fourteen. I've snuck into a night club and made out with a drunk teenager who snuck in with a fake ID so I could steal her wallet and buy a sandwich. You gonna call me a kid after that?"

----------


## Guizonde

lucii in a high pitched voice: who cares about genitals when there's profit to be made?

dm: yeah, i'm losing xp for that pun.
malax: what.

dm: the power armor is coded in lolcat.
louka: i can't spell ok?!

lucii: sweet, they didn't forget about my 2a.m. strawberries!

louka: did i accidentally solve a plot hole in the future?

militia: minus one xp for the dm.

lucii: so we climb aboard the s.s. barbie...

louka: that's heavy.
militia: *rolls* yup.

malax: what's this?
npc: dirt.
malax: i eat it. it tastes good.

malax: the hell is this?
npc: a tree. it's not food. it grows food.

----------


## Lord Torath

> lucii: so we climb aboard the s.s. barbie...


American Barbie or Australian Barbie? 

It matters.

----------


## Guizonde

> American Barbie or Australian Barbie? 
> 
> It matters.


claus barbie, actually.

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

D&D 5e:
_AEthelwyn_: Strain gauges haven't been invented yet, right?

_AEthelwyn_: I would like to buy a fireproof table frame with rails on top of it, high strength scales, ...
_GM_: Just tell me what you're planning
_AEthelwyn_: Flame test stand and instrumentation.

_AEthelwyn_: You said your tests usually end in conflagration. Is this because it can't be steered and crashes, it catches the pilots pants on fire, or fire comes out of somewhere it's not supposed to?
_Gnomish Inventor_: Yes.

----------


## Rater202

"For example, instead of getting angry, imagine a harem of strapping lads and comely lasses praising and worshiping your perfect, godlike body."

----------


## moonfly7

Oh Lord my game had so many I can barely remember all of them, here are some I do:

DM(me): ... Habren you now have permanent cold resistance, and Lucrio you lose another 3 inches of your height.
Lucrio: BRO! Bois, he doesn't know what he's done! I'm 11 inches tall now!
DM(me): I may have miss calculated

Reddel: Your 11 FREAKING inches tall, how is your penis a foot long?
Lucrio: my body is hollow and it retracts.
Habren: where the heck are your organs?

Habren: did you just steal my one on one kill of a Phoenix with a single effing magic missile???

*Group walking up on the MASSIVE body of a dead terrasque*
Lucrio: what the HELL happened here?
Skye: once again it appears I an to perfect to die.

Skye*shifter speaking deep German accent*: once when I was younger I tried to slit my own wrist, but the knife, she broke on my skin. I tried to throw myself off a cliff but I floated safely to the ground. I ate sand once in desperation and trapped out glass. Finally, I tried to drown myself in the waves of the ocean, but my feet would not sink beneath the waves. It was then I realized I was to perfect to die.
DM(me): mind explaining how you have 39 AC?????
Skye: it was an accident

Matrix: imma light my weed bush familiar on fire and have him get the little @$!#[email protected] high as @$!#!!.
Lucrio: and then we stab them

Lucrio whilst chucking 6 javelin of lightning at a kraken: I'm the god of lightning @$!#[email protected]! ZEUS! ZEUS! ZEUS! ZEUS!

Lucrio: I'm gonna need a pig, a head band of intellect, and as many glyphs of warding as we can cast.

DM: congratulations you short jerk, you just one shotted a god.
Tassel: he is a God

Habren: what if they confiscate our weapons?
Reddel: I've got the best weapon right here! *pulls Lucrio out of coat* 
Lucrio: Surprise $!#:×[email protected]!!!

Entire group: hash tag, just cult things

Reddel: evening officer*tips imaginary hat*

Lucrio: if you even think of buying the deck of many things I'll cut your balls off.

----------


## moonfly7

And from my MNM game:
Gaea: I turn into sonic and use my shot gun to double tap them by blowing their heads of. JUSTICE!
Mark ooc: I need to draw this
Gaea ooc: there's lots of blood

Gaea: don't you see? We can't die, we're gods!
Entire group: backs away slowly.

GM(me): Ok Mobile Base Jim just dropped a massive military base in the middle of a new York City street, and the hero's are calling you bad guys.

Specter: the rat is clearly the leader!
GM(me): no he's just psychic I swear

Me: this time don't make an insane one though ok?
Gaea's player making new character: I promise to try.

Specter: oh no we still have the bomb

GM(me): Your going to attack?
Spiderhobo: yes
GM(me) OK, you see the hobos shirt burst open as four more arms come out, revealing not the pot belly you expected but toned bad.
Spiderhobo: and I'm holding 6 glocks.

Mark: wait, your lugers shoot 50 cal rifle shells, aren't those like, 8 inches long?
Spiderhobo: yes, and now you need to draw these lugers.

Mark: darn it! They re putting all 200 of my demons in trash bags!

----------


## Yora

My party got its first magic item today after defeating the first major antagonist. Immediately assumed it was cursed, would make them enemies if they are seen having it, and could be magically tracked by other enemies looking for revenge.

This group is different.  :Small Amused:

----------


## Aasimar

"Aim for their heads! They're powerless without their heads!"

----------


## Lord Raziere

"Alright. Big ridiculous and is probably making a blacksmith cry somewhere. Perfect anime blade, wouldn't have it any other way."

"hold on 'Flora, I'm about to cast Screw Gravity."

"Here necro necro necro, where are you, you little immortal piece of trash?"

"So are you guys going to do things, or are your puppet strings just cut? Like, where are you now on a scale from "yay we're free from that tyrant!" to "you murdered our glorious leader!" are you? Just quickly making sure before I kick all your pelvises and kill the other two. You want out, now is your chance to say so."

"So....clan drama in general, with added "we were better in the paaaaast!" whining?"
"If you want to reduce complex social issues as a result of generations of cultural conditioning and strange circumstances ramming up against each other in the most stupid and insulting manner possible, yes."

----------


## Guizonde

v5.32: so, basically, bernie's a really bad case of meningitis.
(no, i didn't forget words)

grigori: psykers are grenades to the bait and tackle.

langlois: your sanction is prison, prison, death, death, death again, death then prison, flaying, transformation into a servitor, more prison and death, and a fine.

wynnifred: i totally pulled a brigbal. I OUT-BRIGBAL'D BRIGBAL!!

bernie: you need to go in there proud, sure of yourself, and completely butt-naked.
wynnif: aw great, i'm gonna dominate a horny xenos and you guys are gonna check me out doing it.
v5.32: i'm so gonna check her out.
grigori: great, a pervy cyborg nerd girl.

bernie: don't f*ck with xenos is so taking on a new meaning right now.

v5.32: even drukhari-bernie is disappointing.

wynnif: i need caramel as mouthwash! *swallows a donut whole*

bernie: langlois' the law, and it seems above gravity itself.

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

*AEthelwyn*: Ah Emma, there you are. We were just talking about you!
*Emma*: About what...
*AEthelwyn*: So, you consider yourself perceptive, right?
*Emma*: Yes...
*AEthelwyn*: You're basically the most perceptive member of the crew, right? Well, after Sakhur, but he needs to steer the ship, so most perceptive non-critical member.
*Emma*: I don't like where this is going. What are you planning?
*AEthelwyn*: So, I was able to get a look at the island through the cloud bank with my binoculars, but only briefly. I was thinking we could strap you into a hardness and lower your down to beneath the storm to...
*Emma*: NOPE!


*AEthelwyn*: Does anyone think this is a good idea?
*GM*: AEthelwyn seems to ask that a lot, right before she makes everything worse: "Does anyone think this is a good idea? 'Cause I do."

----------


## DigoDragon

*GM*: "Your jaw is a hunger that only face can feed."

----------


## Rater202

"Ahh! Giant food with a stabby-thingy!"

Two of them are making out with each other for some reason. It's kind of offputting.

----------


## HalfTangible

A giant squid monster in armor forged from the souls of the dead just popped out a pair of plasma cannons and blasted us like it was a blastoise using Hydro Pump.

Our ST:  :Small Wink:  Exalted! A grim and gritty, bronze age Conan-like game!  :Small Tongue:

----------


## Lord Raziere

> A giant squid monster in armor forged from the souls of the dead just popped out a pair of plasma cannons and blasted us like it was a blastoise using Hydro Pump.
> 
> Our ST:  Exalted! A grim and gritty, bronze age Conan-like game!


This post is possibly the most accurate summary of Exalted I've ever read.

"and your asking a saiyan to stand still while a fight would be in front of them! Thats like dangling a piece of juicy meat in front of a tiger while there is a chain wrapped around their neck! It'd be torture! But yeah also the protection thing."

----------


## DigoDragon

*Doc*: "Yeah well, hopefully when Dr. Fusion figures out this fake test result, he doesn't punch me in the face. It's my favorite face that I own. Also, the only face I own."

----------


## Necroticplague

"Narrative matters as much as physics, so don't bother measuring distance or think running faster helps. Just fake a few character arcs. And if we pick up any tag-alongs, make sure to detour by the Caves Of Tragic Heroic Sacrifice instead of the Cliffs Of Lethal Betrayal. And, whatever you do, don't eat anything at The Cottage That Feels More Like Home Than Yours Ever Did. I'm pretty sure we'll meet who we're looking for at The Hut Of The Ancient Mystic Dispensing Conveniently Relevant Wisdom"

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

> "Narrative matters as much as physics, so don't bother measuring distance or think running faster helps. Just fake a few character arcs. And if we pick up any tag-alongs, make sure to detour by the Caves Of Tragic Heroic Sacrifice instead of the Cliffs Of Lethal Betrayal. And, whatever you do, don't eat anything at The Cottage That Feels More Like Home Than Yours Ever Did. I'm pretty sure we'll meet who we're looking for at The Hut Of The Ancient Mystic Dispensing Conveniently Relevant Wisdom"


Sounds like Elan.

----------


## TherianTheorist

Sounds like navigating the Wyld.

----------


## Yora

"If I manage to charm the captain, I will shout _'Wench, more ale!_'
If the charm fails and I need the fighters to start a bar brawl and the rogues to stab the captain in the back, I will shout *'Wench, more beer!'*"

(Simple plan, no chance for any miscommunications.)

----------


## Necroticplague

> Sounds like Elan.





> Sounds like navigating the Wyld.


Probably because its someone like the former giving us a crash course on doing the latter.

----------


## Guizonde

v5.32: you won't be laughing when i've got my lascannon chicken!

----------


## Personification

Me to Paladin OOC: It's simple. You work as a Caterers' Guild enforcer. If someone doesn't pay their deposit, you smite them with righteous anger.

Bard: I cast Vicious Mockery on the zombie.
DM: OK, how do you insult it?
Me: How about "you are like a microwaved burrito, somehow both too hot and too cold and nobody likes you."
Bard: OK, I say that.
DM: [rolls] The zombie is not insulted, mostly because it doesn't know what a microwave burrito is.

----------


## Man on Fire

"This isn't Lord of the Rings, calm down!"

----------


## GreatWyrmGold

"I can only attack friendly spiders!"

*Spoiler: Heretical context*
Show

I could not roll successful attacks for crap, until a temporarily mind-controlled spider provoked an attack of opportunity*, at which point I rolled a natural 20.

*We didn't realize that wouldn't work until after I rolled damage.

----------


## Guizonde

syldariss: an ork soldier named roh-bair? ok i'll bite.
roh-bair: don't worry that's my job.

----------


## Man on Fire

"Speaking from a spider's perspective, there is nothing wrong about eating your mother."

----------


## Guizonde

roh-bair: *roars*
syldariss *flinches*

syldariss: *casts chain lightning*
roh-bair: *flinches*
dm: ok, you guys are even now.

----------


## Necroticplague

I prefer to think of myself as a thief that accepts commissions.

----------


## Foeofthelance

"Can someone tell me how community service turned into kidnapping?"

"This is the primary city of adventure. The locals are use to random bears running into taverns, dragging a halfling out by the back of his neck, and then suplexing him into the pavement."

----------


## Rater202

"I don't know my parents. All I know is that my mother probably mated with a dozen males that night, that she laid her eggs in a random hole in the wall, and then when I came out white on hatching I was dragged away from the clutch to be trained as a sage and what I want be damned. Maybe I don't want to be a sage. Maybe I want to eat noodles, move to the land of beaches, and walk around naked. That's my business!"

"...You are a snake. You do not normally wear clothes to begin with... Even now, since you did not leave that kimono behind when you assumed your true form earlier I have to assume that it is either an illusion cast over your transformed body or a construct molded from your chakra."

"Stop picking apart my nonsense."

----------


## Guizonde

v5.32: can you guys help me catch a giant rat for an experiment?
bernie: let's make it a contest: boys versus girls. biggest rat caught wins!
grigori: this won't end well.

melman: you won't get two inquisitors involved into your silly bet. mostly because i'd win.

grigori: quit antagonizing the boss, bernie!

wynnifred: brigbal stole an inquisitor's lunch. i think i like this guy.
v5.32: he's like a paperwork ninja.

dm: squick, plop. squick, plop. squick, plop. squick, plop...

grigori: by the emperor, i never want to live that again. *cries fully clothed in a shower*
bernie: *sobs uncontrollably fully clothed in the shower*

v5.32: yeah, kinda glad i didn't spy on the showers right then and there.

wynnifred: man, voidborn are weird! *proceeds to telekinetically pour tea in a sugar bowl*

----------


## Telok

DM: "Hmm. AT-ST are really pretty cheap. I wonder if the PCs can handle 30 of them. Nah, it'd be a pain to run. Just three AT-AT then, unless they bring the tanks."

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

> DM: "Hmm. AT-ST are really pretty cheap. I wonder if the PCs can handle 30 of them. Nah, it'd be a pain to run. Just three AT-AT then, unless they bring the tanks."


This describes my game, except 40k themed.

Katherine's thought process: "An encounter group of a company of SPA, an AAA battery, and a company of mechanized infantry with two more companies off-map waiting to reinforce and cut off retreat lines sounds fair."
Party: *dies*

----------


## Miltonian

Rogue Trader: "Sir, I believe this planet belongs to me now."
Governor: "Don't see your name on it."
_The Rogue Trader sits in silence for a moment, then picks up the Vox_
RT: "Captain?"
Captain: "Sir?"
RT: "Warm up the lance and write my name on the northern continent."

----------


## Mr.Sandman

> Rogue Trader: "Sir, I believe this planet belongs to me now."
> Governor: "Don't see your name on it."
> _The Rogue Trader sits in silence for a moment, then picks up the Vox_
> RT: "Captain?"
> Captain: "Sir?"
> RT: "Warm up the lance and write my name on the northern continent."


CHA? why does the moon say CHA?

----------


## BlueHamsterBean

(Long time lurker here; happy to finally share some of the madness Ive seen/encouraged in gaming  :Small Smile:  )

*Player*: I Micheal Phelps dive trident first off the dock into the water. 
*Me (DM)*: ...Ok, make an attack. _Hits_ 
There is a loud clang and a long and drawn out ow! From beneath the dock.

*Me (DM)*: Technically, both you and the giant ferret are medium sized, but since its awesome and hilarious, I will allow it.
*Player*: Giddyup!

----------


## DigoDragon

All this happened in one fight by me:


"Guys, you can't fight in here, this is the war room!"

"Wonder druid powers, activate!!"

"Does that make 'em Rackham Sackham Roguebots?"

*_giant goat shrugs intensifies_*

"I shed no tears in her direction."

"I drop the ground like it's hot."

----------


## NRSASD

Customs Agent: Goods from illicit sources tend not to have a bill of sale.
Player: These goods aren't illicit! We killed the former owners!
Customs Agent: ...huh.

----------


## AdmiralCheez

GM: "Okay, that spell takes him from Pompeii disaster victim to museum Rennaisance statue."

----------


## Xapi

The party returns to town to find a kobold, who has been somewhat friendly to them before, in a cage in the middle of the town square. He's been wrongfully incarcerated for a murder the party's half orc fighter, Wardrobe, is actually responsible for.

Wardrobe: Ok, can I break him free?
GM: Hmmm, there's a couple ways you could try to, but this is the town square at noon, si there's a lot of people around.
Wardrobe: That won't work
Party's monk: Why do you want to free him? 
Wardrobe: So I can kill him without anyone watching, duh!

The party decides to pin the murder on the cultists that attacked them shortly after the murder, and convince the Town Sheriff to let the kobold go with just a 50gp fine.

Wardrobe: OK, I think we should chip in 10gp each to let the kobold go back with his money.

Party's Monk: But you just wanted to kill him!

Wardrobe: Yeah, but I don't want him to walk out with a grudge. Either he is dead, or he is friendly.

----------


## DeTess

Druid: What is your whale doing on top of our town hall?

----------


## BlueHamsterBean

*GM*: You look in the storehouse and see fine particles of pyrite filtering down from the rafters.
*Players*: Nope, nope, nope!

*Player*: Well, I guess all those years as a lab animal technician finally came back to bite me... literally.

*Player*: Is our captive regenerating?
*Me(GM)*: Yes, why?
*Player*: I pull out my hatchet-
*Me(GM)*: The captive gets a worried look on their face and stops regenerating...

----------


## Lord Torath

> *GM*: You look in the storehouse and see fine particles of pyrite filtering down from the rafters.
> *Players*: Nope, nope, nope!


 :Small Confused:   What's wrong with pyrite?  I mean, it's not particularly valuable, but it's not, that I'm aware of, inherently dangerous or reactive...

----------


## BlueHamsterBean

> What's wrong with pyrite?  I mean, it's not particularly valuable, but it's not, that I'm aware of, inherently dangerous or reactive...


Suffice it to say that we have an imaginative GM  :Small Tongue: 

He got us paranoid that some demonic presence was being transmitted via pyrite particles... that some cult was hoarding. Turned out that the pyrite was just an ingredient for making a substance that was, in fact, highly suspect.

I should add these quotes came from different campaigns: the GM with the pyrite runs the weekly roll20 Stars Without Number game I play in; the game I GMed here was a 5e oneshot.

----------


## Necroticplague

> What's wrong with pyrite?  I mean, it's not particularly valuable, but it's not, that I'm aware of, inherently dangerous or reactive...


Like flour, can explode as a powder in the air. Its something that can make a coal mine blow up.

----------


## BlueHamsterBean

> Like flour, can explode as a powder in the air. Its something that can make a coal mine blow up.


Huh, I can honestly say I had no idea; thanks for sharing this! Always happy to learn new chemistry trivia.  :Small Smile: 

It makes sense in retrospect: so long as it oxidizes somewhat easily, a fine particulate is probably gonna be an explosion hazard.

----------


## NRSASD

[1:32 PM] A: welp
[1:32 PM] A: I gave an elephant vampirism
[1:32 PM] Q: What the **** man

----------


## Lord Lemming

"It's like a Russian nesting doll of boom."

----------


## BlueHamsterBean

*Player*: When did you decide to include Angry Birds in your campaign?
*Me(GM)*: A few minutes after you entered that portal to the Abyss...

*Player*: I think Shadow Pennys five cents is more like six cents really.
*Party*: _Groans_

----------


## DeTess

*DM:* So I've gotten from you guys two acts of sabotage, one of espionage and one of large-scale terrorism...
*Player:* ... maybe I should tone mine down a bit.

----------


## Guizonde

dm: ok, new game. present the players.
me: ok, my name is rabbi jacob, and this is my automatic combat goat, mechoui.
suricate: oh, and here i thought i was the only goofy character.
michel*: my character can't remember his name. i'm the medic.

*Spoiler*
Show

despite using a different name every time we call him, the medic will be now called michel for simplicity


dm: ok, so what does the rabbi and...
suricate: *large burp*
dm: ok, so the goat is digesting the scenery...
rabbi: i'll make sure she saves room for the plot.

michel: ok, i'm gonna heal you *grabs a lighning rod and a tesla coil*

suricate: i may have gotten my ass kicked doing it, but i stole the goat's lunch.
dm: y tho.

----------


## DigoDragon

"I crush his head with my giant hand to knock him out."

----------


## BlueHamsterBean

> "I crush his head with my giant hand to knock him out."


Sounds like someone was trying a nonlethal KO with Bigby's favorite toy.  :Small Tongue: 

*Me(GM)*: "You are barely able to notice the mist drifting into a hut with copious amounts of smoke exiting it. The hut has a sign with 'Frodo Moneybaggins' written on it."
*Player OOC*: _Chuckles_ "You actually put that in?"

----------


## Deathhappens

Player: "Wait! I'm not unconscious, I just remembered the 10 temp hit points from the bard song!"
DM: "You hit your head on a rock, take 2d6 fall damage".

----------


## Man on Fire

Scout: I need to know if all this time I wasn't working for people who killed may boyfriend
Farmgirl: Wait, you have a boyfriend?
Scout: Well, obviously not anymore!

"The chicken of chaos is a goose."

----------


## BlueHamsterBean

Roll for yak down.

(Surprisingly, the topic of conversation wasnt Vicious Mockery.)

----------


## Rater202

"Of course, _This is Normal_ has an upper limit to how much it can make people rationalize away. Going outside in just your underwear? Yeah, you could get away with that. Running around naked and beating people upside the head with a rubber chicken? Little too much for most people to ignore. But, with something minor as long as you act confidently, no one will suspect a thing."

----------


## BlueHamsterBean

Would you mind if we came aboard and sampled your finest protein?

But of course, though I assure you it is as bland as that on your vessel.

----------


## Personification

"It's like three Pizza Rats with the added issue of alimony!"

"NO! Those are blood pickles!"

----------


## braveheart

You are a dog, literally. I mean literally literally.

----------


## DigoDragon

*Oze*: "So what's your name?"
*Bubbles*: "It's... Bubbles. Agent bubbles."
*Icebreaker*: "Your knuckles spell Cobra."
*Nebula*: "Is that your _real_ name?"
*Bubbles*: "We're getting off the subject."

*Lethe*: "What constitutes 5th degree murder? Vehicle arson is at least reasonable."
*Icebreaker*: "Clearly we know which is the worst crime here."
*Nivix*: "The aggravated jaywalking?"
*Icebreaker*: "Exactly! He's a pegasus! Why is he walking ANYWHERE?!"

*Icebreaker*: "Hey Nebula! I need you to heat something for me!"
*Nebula*: "Only if you want it exploded!"
*Icebreaker*: "Well, I mean over the fire, not in it. You know, like a marshmallow on a stick."
*Nebula*: "Oh wow that's demeaning."

*Icebreaker*: "Fine I'll take it home. Maybe I can find an industrial-sized bag of rice or something."

*Smirkfluff*: "I'm gonna be so mad if we just destroyed some bird-watcher's drone."
*GM*: "Who equips electrical guns for bird-watching?"
*Icebreaker*: "This is Shadowrun!"
*Nebula*: "You've clearly never seen geese."

*GM*: "The cromomiter... cromotimer... cro..."
*Icebreaker*: "Chronometer."
*GM*: "The time clock thing..."

*Nebula*: "What's this about vehicle skills? I just ride on Smirk's back all the time."
*Nivix*: "You don't need the piloting skill for that."
*Nebula*: "Nope. It's animal handling."
*Entire Party*: "Ooooohhhhh!!"
*Smirkfluff*: "Not even gonna go there. I'm gonna be the adult in this conversation."

*Smirkfluff*: "You don't need ranks in perception to use it, right?"
*Icebreaker*: "Yeah, you don't need training to open your eyes."

*Nebula*: "The most important thing is that this teal bathroom is burned."
*Icebreaker*: "No court will convict me!"

*Lethe*: "I want a moment of silence for the toilet that put up with a lot of crap from us."

----------


## dunfluff

Alum: I cast daylight on the darkness
Horell: Now its no longer deeper darkness
Scar: Now its shallow darkness
Horell: Or damp darkness

Lonji: Why would you attack me? i´m adorable.

Horell: Suddenly 3 glowing balls of light appear saying "HEY! LISTEN!"
Lonji: I never do!

Lonji: That makes no sense, but neither do I.

Lonji: Why are you an ooze person?
Horell: I´M NOT AN OOZE
SCAR: your either an ooze or a liar, and we don´t tolerate either of those.

Lonji: is it a super rapier of ghost slaying?
Horell: Don´t you have a rapier of racism.
Sasani: +1 rapier of indiscriminate bigotry

Lonji: Its like a mood-ring, if hes holding the ax, everything is ok. if hes not holding the ax... NOPE!

Alum: That´s the thing their not dead, they are undead.
Lonji: and we killed them so now they are redead.

Alum: Yes. That´s my crafting enchantment secret. Duct tape.

Lonji: I hold up my hand because despite all the screaming and explosions... now we have too be sneaky.

GM: What languages do you know?
horell: Not yeti
Lonji: Not yeti... yet.

Horell: oh right. your both slowly turning into undead abominations.
Lonji: NO WE'RE NOT! I HAVE THE STICK!

Lonji: Alum! Why did you make the scary thing back lit?!

Scar: (singing) when somethings evil in your way, always color spray.

Horell: Wait. Alum cant you turn into a rock?
Alum: Oh right. i forgot i could do that. I´m a rock now.

GM: You see something moving in the corpse
Lonji: ew, tapeworm

Alum: I´m a stone now. a shameful stone.

Scar: Scar almost swipes at you as you approach
Sasani: Do you swipe right or swipe left
Scar: You´ll never know. scar does not have a tinder account.

Lonji: Please remind me that she is a ghost.
GM: She is a ghost because you killed her.
Scar: Why did we have to kill her? couldnt we just spoon feed her protein pudding until she gave upp?
Alum: Well... that is A solution...
Lonji: didnt we get a special ghost killing sword?
Group: ... oh...

GM: For a second Lonji, you suddenly figured out this flying thing, then you collide with the backside of a horse.

Alum: That´s my turn, lasers and healing. Like god intended.

Alum: Yes we used to have imaginary friends. now we have imaginary enemies

Lonji: i dont trust this tall grass. There´s a reason it´s called bamboozeled.

----------


## Necroticplague

As one of your hallucinations, I think you asking what if the voices in my head are wrong? is the wrong question. If were truly just figments of your damaged psyche, being as wrong as you are is to be expected. The prospect that we appear to give you novel information is actually a deeper cause for concern.

----------


## BlueHamsterBean

"I can't shake the feeling that this whole campaign is going to end up one long and drawn out 'The Aristocrats' joke."

----------


## Reathin

"Paddy's got the ass of a 12 year old!" ~Paddy
"What, in a jar?" ~Mike

"A bear walks up and she levitates and he's like 'aight'" 

"You notice there's cats where cats there weren't before"

"You're sewing? What a loos..." -rolls dice - "****."

"What's my intelligence? Not 18. I'm pretty!"

"Paddy's a traveling artist, and this is his easel!"
"And the quiver the size of a child?"
"Those are his paint brushes! Let me paint ya' a picture!"

"Rukmar does reps with immovable rods"

"I need more ammo for my sword!"

"Finish your piss!"

"Then I ended up stalking a village"

"That couch is a little frisky"

"That's it! You're name's Tumblr!"
"No!"
"Well, you better tell me right now, or I'm writting you in as Tumblr"
"I don't have a name!"
"Do you have the ability to tumble?"
"....yes..."

"Happy kobold Hannukah"

"Gaelic senile muttering"

"Dwarves are being threatened by a serial barber"

"That's another one for the prostitute sniper"

"Yes. I am performing the coitus"

"The wind is blowing and your nips are frosty but DAMN you look good."

"If you find bits, that was him. That's how Paddy plays hide and seek."

"The bird can have the paste."

"You gotta shoot it in the thigh, like that dinosaur."

Druid: Did you know there was a tears to wine spell?
Seige Engineer: Finally, orphanages have a use

"It's only okay when I do it"

"I got you, bo. You might get mauled a little bit, but I got you."

"It's like a dragon that breaths adventurers"

"We'll communicate through sniper riffle Morse code"

"It's a choice between lightning or syphilis"

"It's head-licking good!"

"Check his pockets for loose confessions."

"It was like a spiritual mosh pit"

"Sup. Noticed you're green."

----------


## Lord Raziere

"Let us think then: who deserves to die and/or be tortured forever by smartass godling turning them into sweets then eating them?"

----------


## username1

"Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from Murder Knife Joe?"

----------


## BlueHamsterBean

"What, all that quantumness and you couldn't come up with a good nickname?"

----------


## Wizard_Lizard

"No you can not seduce the mind flayer! Why are you trying to seduce the mind flayer?! Their biology is- actually no nevermind, what the hell, roll for it."

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

*Keeper of Secrets*: Spit her out! Only _I_ get to eat my friends!

----------


## dunfluff

Sasani: most of what I know is punching.
GM: Romance is a kind of punching.
Alum: well he is hitting on you.
Sasani: And I do have ranks in ride.

GM: As you light the sky on fire with explosions, everyone is having a blast.

Horell: Oh, I thought that the tree was falling either on him or Sasani.
Alum: Not the type of wood you were expecting.

Lonji: So, were supposed to pretend to be normal? because thats what were good at?

Alum: I think I realized why my charisma is so low.
Lonji: Because youre an #%&?

Alum: Is this part of the party? I dont want to offend somebody.

Sasani: We'll burn that bridge when we get to it

Horell: We didnt expect sneaky ninjas!
Lonji: theyre sneaky and silent, and unbelievably violent.

Sasani: youre not a swashbuckler, youre a squashbuckler.

Lonji: Why did you have a oni in your pocket?!

Horell: Suddenly cows.

Gm: how trampled are they?
Alum: in round terms... all of it.

Table: Hello Im a table!
Alum: the novelty of getting killed by alum is that it will be interesting.

Horell: Wow.
Alum: dont admire the enemy.
Horell: his explosions are larger than mine.
Alum: its not the size that counts, its how you use it.

Horell: What! your telling me that the table doesnt have combat expertise?
Alum: The table was literally born 5 sec ago. it hasnt had time to learn any feats.
Scar: but doesnt it have 4 feet?
Alum: Yes, it has not been defeated yet.

Alum: the table doesnt really have a sense of preservation. its a table.

Horell: so, a horse, a rhino and a table walk into a bar?
Alum: yes. I dont think ninjas are trained to handle this type of situation.

GM: Youre not very hidden of you.
Horell: yea. the city did give us a large parade.

Alum: thats kind of expensive for cannon fodder.
Lonji: that makes me happy that they think they need a cannon to kill us?

Scar: Im not educated. i refuse to be called educated.

Scar: you are the worst guard ever.
Lonji: yes, and I have the skills to prove it.

GM: it seems to be trying to lift you by your insides
Alum: But I like my insides, they are what fills out the outside.
Scar: They are what keeps you all nice and puffy

Horell: You created hentai the monster
GM: I was trying to make a scary drowning monster
Scar: you tried to cram tentacles down our throats
GM: Do you really want me to make this into that kind of adventure? because then we would all be uncomfortable all the time.

Lonji: which tentacle is currently... battling alum?
GM: well they all are battling him, but the top tentacle is the one that is currently... intrusive...

Alum: for being an airborne rock thats not bad.
Scar: you should do like a stone and just roll with it.

Alum: So whats the plan?
Lonji: We just start walking in a random direction until something rich attacks us.

----------


## Darth Credence

Paladin, in note: Bard, come join us, this dungeon is more extensive than we thought!
Bard, reply note: I have an appointment in the morning, so I'm going to stay here.
Bard, to DM: Can I find a nice cafe where I can sit on the patio and watch people while having a sandwich?

----------


## Wizard_Lizard

"I am MAXIMUM EDGE!!!!" -The party rogue.

----------


## ZeroGear

Rogur (R), Gnollkin Fighter: "You smell like a tree. What exactly are you?"
Everent (E), Sapling Bard: "I am Everent Fleur Parsilli Almondo Watercia Basillia du' Bouleau Gris, singer of the forest, musician of the green, prod descendant of the tree folk who have shepherded nature since ages past. I carry the songs of the earth, the whispers of leaves, and the long tales of roots wherever the winds of change may take me."
R: "Ah. So you're saying your Bark is worse than your Bite?"
E: "Watch it mutt."

Orero (O), Fetherfolk Sorcerer: "The buff hound is barking at the bishi tree. Should we stop them?"
Xernia (X), Silkweaver Cleric: "Let's wait until the clothes start flying."

Alexander (A), Human Iron Chef: "An angry dog, a depressed spider, a sexy tree, a magical birdbrain, and a monkey cook. What a team we make!"
Rest of party: "HEY!"

----------


## AdmiralCheez

"And what is your specialty?"
"Prime Rib."
"So... it's not even?"
"No, it means it's indivisible."
"With liberty, and Au Jus for all."

----------


## Wizard_Lizard

Player: I should probably rest, lets camp here for a bit.
_Character goes to sleep_
Other player: we arent going to sleep, I look up the chimney.
_Combat ensues_

----------


## Joe the Rat

"He's my emotional support Pteranodon."

----------


## ZeroGear

A: Dinner time everyone! Tonights stew is Woodland Surprise!
O: Whats the surprise?
X (speaks in monotone): What happened to the owlbear we killed?

R: Gotta day, didnt expect it to taste this good!
X: Could you pass me the eyes? They have this nice squishy texture when you pop them in your cheek.
R: ...I think Im done eating.

O: There seems to be a cave up ahead. Maybe its the lair were looking for?
E: Sight it again my avian friend! I shall use my mastery of sound to bolster your senses!
O: But I cant hear with my eyes!

----------


## Man on Fire

"Dear Torm

I'm sorry for that whole "making a deal with a demon" thing". I assure you it won't change anything in our relations.

PS: Do you think you could let me add Divine Smite to Eldritch Blast?"

From a PC's diary.

----------


## DigoDragon

> "With liberty, and Au Jus for all."


I almost spat out my drink. XD



*GM*: (misreading) "Today's high is a balmy 231 kelvin."
*Icebreaker*: "Did... did you just say 2_31_ kelvin?"
*Nebula*: "I'm crying."

*Nebula*: "I'm just gonna be eternally on fire, all day it seems. ...this is fine."

*Icebreaker*: "I thought you were Smirkfluff's daughter?"
*Nebula*: "Uh... kinda, but not really..."
*Icebreaker*: "I mean not biologically."
*Smirkfluff*: (relieved) "Oh thank gods!"

*Nebula*: "Can I roll Intimidate to make the dice nice to me?"

*Nebula*: "Make the password Swordfish. Unless that's already taken, then make it Swordfish1."
*Smirkfluff*: "That's evil incarnate. Calm down, Satan."

*Icebreaker*: "I have no problems doing a posthumous mission."
*GM*: "Those are the best. There's no way you can let your Johnson down... well, they can't _complain_ about getting let down."
*Nebula*: "Challenge accepted."
*Smirkfluff*: "Their expectations are about as low as they're gonna get."
*Icebreaker*: "About six feet under."

*Icebreaker*: "Friends I have great news. Our house comes with a Hatsune Miku."

*GM*: "The address is off State Road 9. It appears to be a cow farm."
*Smirkfluff*: "Oh gods..."
*Oze*: Huh."
*Nivix*: "I gotta do it. So this farm is dealing with a lot of bull****?"
*Smirkfluff*: "And there it is."

*Lethe*: "At least it's not a roomba with a flamethrower. For getting at those really _really_ tough spots."

*Smirkfluff*: "I'm Smirkfluff, and welcome to Jackass."
*Nearby Donkey*: "Hey!"  :Small Annoyed: 

*Icebreaker*: "Half a tank? Wow, this is a generous U-Haul place. We got four tires? Fancy!"

*Smirkfluff*: "When did I become the party tent?"

*Smirkfluff*: "What would happen if you try to enter Disney with just... a door?"
*Icebreaker*: "They give you a door charge."
*Everyone*: *groans*

*Icebreaker*: "Let me try the password. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5."
*GM*: *rolls a luck check. Nat 20*
*GM*: "Icebreaker..."
*Icebreaker*: "Don't tell me..."

*Icebreaker*: "Might be easier to edit my eyeball."

*Oze*: "Oze wants to steal this lab. Not just parts, the whole thing."

*Icebreaker*: "Very important question we didn't think of until now. Are there vents?"
*GM*: "Like air vents?"
*Nebula*: "Ssss, nnnggg!"
*GM*: "There is an HVAC system, yes."
*Nebula*: "Ngguh, no!"
*Smirkfluff*: "How big is it?"
*GM*: "It's very small. You're not gonna get more than like, a cat through that."
*Nebula*: "Okay so no..."
*Icebreaker*: "It's not going to be an alien from Alien. It'll be a thing from _The Thing_."
*Nebula*: "It's not a xenomorph, so it's fine!"

*Smirkfluff*: "Not that I don't trust weird pony voodoo, but... I don't trust weird pony voodoo."

*Icebreaker*: "I know what you're thinking, those brand name blood prices are too high."

*Smirkfluff*: "I'm shooting the zombie because it needs to stop having opinions."

*Icebreaker*: "And the body hasn't moved, right?"
*GM*: "Right, none of the bodies have moved."
*Smirkfluff* "I like how this is a thing we have to ask now."
*Icebreaker*: "I was only talking about the one in the truck, but..."

----------


## DeTess

DM: you manage to find a masterwork teddy bear.

----------


## Duff

"The journey should take about an hour. Plus or Minus 6 months

----------


## DeTess

> "The journey should take about an hour. Plus or Minus 6 months


I've never seen or done the minus variant, but I've both experienced and inflicted the plus variant of this one XD

----------


## Personification

> "And what is your specialty?"
> "Prime Rib."
> "So... it's not even?"
> "No, it means it's indivisible."
> "With liberty, and Au Jus for all."


Reminds me of a great quote from Word Girl, one of many absolutely amazing kid shows on PBS:

Word Girl: The next hot dog you'll be eating will be covered in justice... and ketchup, but mostly justice!
The show also had one of my favorite interactions between fake newscasters on television:
Newscaster 1: [Turns to Newscaster 2] Do you like hot dogs?
Newscaster 2: If the teleprompter says that I do then I do.
...
Newscaster 2: I do!

----------


## AdmiralCheez

> Reminds me of a great quote from Word Girl, one of many absolutely amazing kid shows on PBS:
> 
> Word Girl: The next hot dog you'll be eating will be covered in justice... and ketchup, but mostly justice!
> The show also had one of my favorite interactions between fake newscasters on television:
> Newscaster 1: [Turns to Newscaster 2] Do you like hot dogs?
> Newscaster 2: If the teleprompter says that I do then I do.
> ...
> Newscaster 2: I do!


I never saw the show itself, but I vaguely remember seeing that quote somewhere. I just wish I remembered where!

----------


## Personification

> I never saw the show itself, but I vaguely remember seeing that quote somewhere. I just wish I remembered where!


Honestly, there is a non-zero chance it was me posting in the Playground.

----------


## Xervous

The boulder is strangely indifferent.

----------


## Rater202

"The truth is, part of me has always wondered what it would be like to vivisect myself. I imagine it would_ hurt_ but what would the sensation of poking my own organs _feel_ like besides that.

----------


## Wizard_Lizard

This is a picture of Dyrrn the corruptor
Damn he looks hot

----------


## ZeroGear

R: *violently shaking captured enemy* "TELL US EVERYTHING YOU KNOW!"
DM: You don't here him say anything
R: "Guess it's time for this special dance! Let me go get my fishing hook and magnifying glass."
X: "Or you could take the gag off first."
R: "You crazy? He could bite!"

E: "It's definitely the way! My sense of direction is never wrong!"
A: "Leave it to a tree to find a forest."

E: "... I hereby grant thee Alexander, the title of False Sage of the Stew Pot!"
A: "Better false sage than false parsley."

O: "Why would smoke be coming out of a dragon's cave?"

----------


## Man on Fire

"Hello, could you please spare a minute of your time to talk about our lord and savior FIREBALL!"

----------


## LordCdrMilitant

*Emma's Player [OOC]*: I play RPG's to get away from the bureaucracy! Why are you doing this to me?!

----------


## NRSASD

May you always be counted among His Holy Numbers

We need a grandparent worth of babies

We're going to kill him... unless he has my mother's teeth.

----------


## DigoDragon

*Spoiler: couple responses*
Show




> Reminds me of a great quote from Word Girl, one of many absolutely amazing kid shows on PBS


Oh wow, Word Girl. I remember watching that with my daughter when she was just a tot. Was an oddly funny show.





> A: "Better false sage than false parsley."


Ayyyy. XD



*Oze*: "Technically not on fire yet!"

*Icebreaker*: "It's just 10 minutes of commercials, isn't it?"
*Nebula*: "Ten minutes of trollololololooo--"
*Party*: "Trollololoo looloo lolololololooo..."
*GM*: "Alrighty then."

*Oze*: "Just making sure the third generator is fully shut down."
*GM*: "Yes, it's shut down."
*Smirkfluff*: "Or is it? Dun da dunn..."
*Icebreaker*: "It depends on what's living it, I guess."
*GM*: "You'd have to open the access hatch to see what's inside it."
*Icebreaker*: "Yeah that wasn't a suggestion. That was me '_playing a lot of Carrion_'."

*Icebreaker*: "I'd like to know why, so that someone doesn't confuse my neck with a communication cable."

*Icebreaker*: "Do we have a way to communicate with Lethe?"
*Smirkfluff*: "Yell really loud?"

*GM*: "Nothing unusual, dead bodies being dead bodies."
*Nivix*: "I'm scanning the bodies to see if there's anything here that jumps out at me."
*GM*: "Literally or figuratively?"
*Nivix*: "Both, sure."

*GM*: "It is the one thing down here that's OSHA compliant."

*GM*: "You find 20 boxes of coffee grounds, and two packages of Twinkies. The Twinkies are good for another 3 years."
*Icebreaker*: "Wow, they're pretty old already."

*Smirkfluff*: "I do the most responsible thing in this situation - I tap the glass."

*Computer notes*: "The good news is that only two scientists were eaten by this thing."

*GM*: "The security chief Hammer was in here a month ago from burns and bite marks due to an experiment involving a cybernetic-enhanced dog with a flamethrower."

*GM*: "Let's say it's playing Bach. Because I like Bach."
*Nebula*: "I turn the radio off and then back on."
*Icebreaker*: "No, no, turn it Bach on."

*Oze*: "Where's Nebby?"
*Icebreaker*: "She's playing as bait right now."

*Scientist*: *_beep beep_* "Ah, my alarm. It's time to take EVERY STIMULANT!"

*Smirkfluff*: "Stop annoying Slimey."
*Nebula*: "Don't name it Slimey."
*Smirkfluff*: "Hang on. I check my pockets and... no, I'm out of cards that say I can't."

*Icebreaker*: "We have an A.I. for that!"
*Smirkfluff*: "I'm on a science experiment!"
*Icebreaker*: "Do you even KNOW any science?"
*Smirkfluff*: "I know Nebby, that's close enough."
*Nebula*: "HEY!!"

*Nebula*: "Which do we want, electrified sparking or murderous fillies?"
*Nivix*: "What?!"
*Nebula*: "I didn't stutter."

*Smirkfluff*: "I'm just gonna walk in cause what could go wrong? ...whoaaa a lot!"

*GM*: "The samples and container are incinerated to ash, then crushed into a small cube."
*Icebreaker*: "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."

*Smirkfluff*: "Am I all clear to shoot the goose?"
*Icebreaker*: "So then I started blastin'."
*Nivix*: "A real honking mess."
*Peanut Gallery*: "Rake in a lake."

*Icebreaker*: "You mess with the honk, you get the bonk!"

*GM*: "You gonna flush it down the toilet like a baby alligator?"
*Smirkfluff*: "Oh yeah, that'll go well with no repercussions."

----------


## Edea

*"You see a huge spire in the distance, crackling with eldritch energy and wreathed in unholy flames-"*
"It's only a model."
"...dude."
"I'm not ready for this.  My _vest of resistance_ isn't even sequined!"
"Should've prepared _create food and water_, I didn't bring any spam."
"Let's not go to this spire.  My divinations tell me it is a silly place."
"GUYS."

----------


## Hellpyre

> Horell: We didnt expect sneaky ninjas!
> Lonji: theyre sneaky and silent, and unbelievably violent.


I always enjoy me some BNL.

As far as my current campaign:

(After John puts his sleeping half-brother's hand in a bowl of water)
GM: He tosses and turns, but his bladder control is strong.
John: Okay, well, now I'm sure it was magic.

GM: What are you looking for during your watches?
Elara: I'm making sure no one tries to enter the manor.
Fianna: Especially any tumbleweeds.

----------


## DigoDragon

*Alexis*: (_shoves holy symbol in vampire's face_) "Now, are you going to come quietly, or do I need ta get my manager involved?"  :Small Annoyed:

----------


## ZeroGear

E: "I don't suppose we could try talking?"
X: "With the giant death dragon that's trying to kill us with dragon and death?"
E: "...good point."

R: "I'm going to ROCK your world!"
*triggers a cave-in*

O: "Wow it's dark in here. How is anyone supposed to see anything?"
X: "You could try taking the sack off your your head."

A: "Prepare yourself, I'VE GOT OREGANO!"

----------


## BlueHamsterBean

"Excuse me Mr. Tome, but may I have some good tea?"
"What?"
"Aha, pardon, some _extravagant_ tea."
"What? Nooo! You fool!"

----------


## Bunny Commando

Guard: "I'm sorry sir, but you can't pass through."
John: "I have an authorization from the president."
Guard: "...what?"
John: "Several presidents, actually. Franklin, Grant and Jackson."

----------


## DigoDragon

*Nivix*: "It's a secret lab, it's bound to have an '_Oh s*** it's getting out!_' button."

*Lethe*: "I'm going to try something. It may backfire, but it will be _VERY_ apparent if it does."

*Icebreaker*: "Tartarus 2.0, another fine product from Shirewase!"

*Icebreaker*: "Hi, we know what you did. And we'd like to talk about why."

*GM*: "They're kinda like a gang, but not a dangerous one."
*Icebreaker*: "The apartment teens..."
*Nebula*: "You mean like grade school gangs that think they're all that?"
*Smirkfluff*: "Get off my stairs, you teens!"
*Icebreaker*: "Two colts afraid to leave the stoop."

*Nebula*: "Pick acid. Aciiiiid!"

*Smirkfluff*: "I'm going to try something different and _NOT_ pull my gun out to start shooting everybody."

*GM*: "This is a double-nope situation, with ice cream on top."

*Icebreaker*: "My fatique is at 8. I don't know why there's a Q."

*Smirkfluff*: "I take a side step back and then full auto into #3 for being wrong."

*Nivix*: "Icebreaker, what's your reflex save?"
*Icebreaker*: "An excellent question... +5?"
*Nivix*: "You should be okay then."
*_Nivix does the thing_*

*Icebreaker*: "The knife is not battery powered. Unless you count me as a battery, and I use food to create energy. To stab."

*Ganger*: "Whatever dude. At least it wasn't Tai food. They'd be leaving a hole in the floor."
*PC changelings*: *nervous laugh*
*Ponynapped NPC*: *nervous laugh*
*Hole in the floor*: *nervous laugh*

*Lance*: "One, two... many... lots..."
*Smirkfluff*: "One two is twenty-two. so I have twenty-two hooves, right?"
*Icebreaker*: "And that's how I won the Kentucky Derby. Because I'm Sleipnir."

*Smirkfluff*: "I wouldn't trust him to wipe his own butt with a map and a guide."

*Smirkfluff*: "So when I find him, I'm going to find a fire grenade, and I'm going to shove it so far up him he breathes fire."
*Icebreaker*: "Have you thought of getting into poetry?"
*Smirkfluff*: "Not my thing."
*Icebreaker*: "It really isn't."

----------


## Personification

From Honey Heist:

"I always said I hated Steve's guts, but they turned out to be really useful here."
"Dude, eat a honey. You're not you when you're hungry."

From D&D
Cas the Changeling (who we only know as Bill the Long Goblin): I go into the room.
Me: WHY!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Brok: I also go into the room
Me: WHY!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Me: I am going to make an insight check to see if I can tell that you aren't being mind controlled.
*Rolls dirty 20*
Me: OK, now I am just confused.
Loghan: While he is doing that, I push past him into the room.
Me: WHY!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Brok: I poke the Modron.
Me: Not to overuse the phrase, but WHY!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Cas (an artificer with both a homunculus and a steel defender): I pull an animal out of my bag of tricks. I can control it using my bonus action.
Me: *move the "Days since acquiring a new pet" counter to 0*

----------


## ZeroGear

R: "I'm getting drilled by a shark! Get over here and help me already!"

O: "My Magic's not working!"
X: "The fireball isn't working against a monster that lives in molten rock, what a surprise."

A: "If this thing has molten rock in its body, and it shoots globs of it from its mouth, is it shooting magma or lava?"
E: "...not sure. It's magma while it's in the body, but if magma becomes lava when it's above ground, maybe it's shooting lava balls because the magma becomes lava when it leaves the body."
A: "It could also be that it's got lava in it's body because it's above ground, but when it "swims" through the earth it's classified as magma because it's underground?"
E: "Oh! that's another good theory!"
R: "Could we discuss this when we AREN'T BEING ATTACKED BY MOLTEN ROCK MONSTERS?!"

X: "There's a heard of giant kiwis coming right at us."
O: "The bird or the fruit?"
X: "Take a guess."

R: "Get off me you savage, kiwi-riding, unwashed midget!"
Enemy Halfling Barbarian: "Crikey! Look at the gnashers on this-a-one!"

----------


## Rynjin

"Please! Don't hurt me! I am but a humble Dagon worshiper!"

----------


## Necroticplague

Hold on, clarifying this might be life or death: is that stuffed as in, taxidermy, or stuffed as in a plushie?

----------


## Ninjadeadbeard

"Well, if I know doors, this could have been worse."

----------


## DeTess

"This is our territory! Except when the giant worm is here, then it's his territory."

"Wait.... I've got a white dragon bloodline, so I get cold resistance! That means I'm at 15 hp instead of -8!"

----------


## dunfluff

Lonji: maybe the river was pissed because it was pissed in?

Horell: Did we get kaminapped?
Scar: we went of our own free will, so more like kamibambozeled.
Sasani: Kamicond

Horell: THE HAPPY GRASS IS SINGING TO ME!

Horell: Dont encourage the grass.
Lonji: if the grass has musical inclinations it is in our best interest to encourage it.

Loni: I have my own musical accompaniment. This is all Ive ever wanted.

Sasani: Ive seen weirder things this week. I saw a table backstab a ninja.

GM: How proficient are you with "Lonji on a string"?

GM: the GM does not know enough about physics for this.

Lonji: Mend me like one of your French wagons.

Alum: I summon a pillar of light, Its basically a healing shower
Scar: All I heard was golden shower

Horell: the only way to get rid of spirits is to help them with what they want. The problem is that the
Spirit wants to kill us... so not really any good options here.

Horell: Why did you want to eat the murder mushrooms?!
Scar: Because Im stupid thats why

GM: They look like edible berries once you smell them and shove them up...
Group: Shove them up where?!

Horell: I have no problem letting them think were idiots. so long as they think were harmless idiots.

Lonji: Im not judging you; Im just confirming the madness.

Horell: How proficient are you with "Lonji on a stick"?

Loni: Please kill the spider so I dont have to make the moral choice?
Horell: you fail at morals?
Lonji: heal friend, kill spider, heal friend, kill spider, heal spider, kill friend.
GM: your going to end up sticking Horell with the rapier.
Scar: It all ends with you hitting the spider with the wand of healing and realizing: "huh. where did my rapier go?

GM: strangely the intruders are friend shaped.

Lonji: I like the strategy of waving the rabid swashbuckler at the enemy.

Lonji: I know what you are going to say, dont do, it is bellow your dignity. To which I say: no, its not!

Lonji: I know we see weird sh--- every other day, but the sight of Sasanis horse walking upstairs is just unnatural.

Scar: you get exp for walking into traps, right?
GM: Only if it is EXPlosions.

Lonji: My head is not my default measuring device.

Lonji: hello ambush, my name is amtree.

GM: people are paralyzed and about to be eaten by spiders, this is supposed to be terrifying.
Group: it is. thats why were trying to deflate the tension with bad jokes.

Alum: I have the same strength as a table.
GM: And like a table youre not moving.

Lonji: We go downstairs and plant our cleric like a flower.

Scar: and for once scar the murderhobo just wanted to talk to him.
Lonji: We´ve done the switchero.

Sasani: Maybe we could convert him?
Alum: we´re going to convert him into mulch.

Lonji: Are the spiders communicating using websters dictionary or are they using the net.
Scar: If their appearance is any hint, their using the dark web.

Scar: and then I calm down again. you may hurt me now.

GM: everyone roll a reflex save, including the furries.

Horell: this is the third worst pain.
Alum: yes, but we´ve all heard underlings laugh at their bosses bad jokes before.

----------


## Bunny Commando

Evil Guy: "So, do you wish to serve me?"
Raven: "You have my sword." [laying the sword at the EG's feet]
Evil Guy: "Good."
Raven: "...but I'm a Wizard." [casts Black Tentacles]

----------


## NRSASD

_Lizardfolk Paladin puts his arms around the shoulders of the drunk, joyfully sobbing kenku and the drunk, joyfully sobbing gnome._ "I just love weddings... want to steal the ferry?"

To all the posters before me, those are some brilliant quotes. Thanks for the humor :)

----------


## TheYell

GM: Ok what do you do?
DARK PALADIN: So I'm staring at two dozen Horune Pirates who are dazed and blinded in a corridor?
GM: Yep
DARK PALADIN: (giggling breathlessly) I raise my flamethrower and shout, "I don't want to do this...BUT I MUST"
GM: Yeah. Just roll to hit already

VAMPIRE: Ugh. If I tell you, will you let me go?
APHELION: You have my word.
DARK PALADIN: Mine too.
GM: The vampire tries to tell you where to find his master, but he chokes.  His neck writhes and his head turns around. Clearly he can't tell you.
APHELION: Well that means the deal is off, doesn't it?
DARK PALADIN: Ahahaha
APHELION: Ahahaha
DARK PALADIN AND APHELION: Ahahaha
APHELION: I cast Life Blast on him

GM: You see a burst of light.  Its coming from the nuclear warhead.
DARK PALADIN: I jump into a refrigerator.

GM: What do you do?
DARK PALADIN: I turn blue and lose my clothes.
GM: What?
DARK PALADIN: And I go back in time when this didn't happen, and I change the future.
GM: Sounds like a power you don't have.
DARK PALADIN: Are you sure surviving that nuke didn't make me Dr. Manhattan?

APHELION : I speed burst straight up to orbit, and I toss away the nuclear warhead, saying "This weapon is too dangerous for anyone to own"
DARK PALADIN: OK, Kal-El.

DARK PALADIN: Imma holster my weapon and call on them to stop the fighting.
GM: Do you have any ability that would help you do that?
DARK PALADIN: No...
GM:  What's your MA score?
DARK PALADIN: 3.
GM: Uhah. Nope.
APHELION: "Stop fighting, jerks! Gawd!"

GM: She fades away and shouts, "Never come near the Federation of Magic! You will be destroyed!"
APHELION: Same to you, bitch!

----------


## ZeroGear

E: "My only regret is that I didn't see more of this lovely world."
R: "My only regret is that I couldn't take more of them down first."
X: "My only regret is that I'm tied to a stake with you two."

A: *raises sword* "With this knife, I shall care my way through villainy!" *raises trident* "And with this fork, I shall pierce the heart of evil! Prepare yourselves, IT'S DINNER TIME!"

X: "There goes the village. Up in flames, as impermanent as life itself."
O: "Why do you always have to be so gloomy?"
X: "My emotions are in a jar that I can't open.

R (OOC): DEAR GOD! SCUPPERS WHAT DID YOU EAT?
DM: What happened?
R (OOC): My dog farted, and its bad enough to melt steel!

----------


## Rynjin

Gadrick: "So we're all agreed that burning this village and everyone in it to the ground is the right thing to do?"

----------


## dunfluff

Sasani: Lonji, I dropped my lance over there.
Lonji: I can be your lance!

Lonji: They´re spiders.
Boss: Wow, racist much.
Sasani: a racehorse to be more exact.

Horell: Oh, my gods! I hit!
GM: I know, this has never happened before.

Sasani: if you were a sorcerer you would have bloodline: frog.

Alum: Lonji is a reach weapon.

Lonji: I think most of that damage is simply momentum.

Monster: What did the lizard say to the rat?
Scar excitedly from afar: LUNCH!
Sasani: yea, what he said.
Monster: very well, lunch.

Horell: I miss.
GM: as usual then.
Horell: Yes. everything is back to normal again.

GM: you should not throw a star knife at someones chocolate starfish!

Boss: please. your embarrassing us both.
Horse: MUNCH!

Scar: I attack the hand. I dont understand tactics, but I do understand that the bad guys gets a lot more talkative when all their henchmen are gone.
GM: ok, you attack the hand that feeds you.

GM: you attack the hand with two devastating high fives.

Scar: Oh my god thats a table.
Scar: Oh my god you really went overboard with that.
GM: You look at the table of content and its full of people.

Alum: its not mimics you need to be afraid of, its the unalive furniture. Table away!

Table: hulloo, im a table.

Horell: Scar is surrounded. 
GM: the same way a blender is surrounded by fruit.

Horell: Why do you assume I did something stupid? maybe I just got ambushed.
Alum: have you even met this group?

Alum: harumpf. what a waste of item destroying powers.

Alum go down the hole.
Lonji: oh, how the tables have turned.

Horell: Now who is rushing into trouble?
Alum: Sasani. Im just the passenger.

GM: as you lie there in the hole, staring upwards, you see the falling sense of irony.

GM: if you say so, Im gona trust you, Im not here to do math.

Lonji: You came out here for a good time, but honestly your feeling attacked right now.

Lonji: this is the first time Ive ever charged
Horell: technically you have charged, just never on the ground
Lonji: Ive fallen on people before, this time its intentional.

Horell: Im apparently part duck
Scar: you were merely adopted by the duck.
GM: Horell swoops down like a majestic albatross and snatches Lonji from the water like a fish.

Scar: I dont think we had a plan.
Lonji: my plan was getting into the house. I had a plan. Im a leadership figure.
Horell: you lead us into trouble

Scar: Under completely different circumstances this wouldnt have been completely stupid

Horell: this plan looked so much better in my head.
Lonji: This plan is looking amazing.

Lonji: I use my personality, Im to pretty to be diseased.

GM: They are unarmored, not naked.
Scar: this is fantasy, unarmored women are basically considered naked.
Lonji: technically even armored women are considered naked.
Horell: only if their wearing high level armor.

GM: do you know why all monks are female? they are all able to control their shi.
Sasani: Avatar the last genderbender.

Lonji: hehehe...wait... oh no. THIS WAS ALMOST VOLUNTARY!
GM: Lonji go down the hole
Alum: Is lonji cheating on me?

----------


## Xervous

"Then Nico (a living PC) could be her next dead husband!"

----------


## AdmiralCheez

DM: "You are disguised as a giant bird person in the capitol city of the Drow. You kinda stick out."
Player: "I didn't pick this disguise! You did!"
DM: "Maybe tip your illusionist better."

----------


## Laughing Dog

"Are you going to run away now?  Or do I have to bleed on you some more?"

----------


## ZeroGear

R: Honey does not grant divine powers!
A: Anything grants divine powers in enough quantity!
R: Thats not how that works!

O: Everything feels wrong! Even my liver feels incorrect!

E: Un-mouth that fruit!

X: My entire life is based on the ideals of Destiny.

----------


## NRSASD

First time player, having just created a fire-focused sorcerer: "Do humans count as fuel?"

----------


## Rater202

"What does isiproply mean?"

"...Did... did you think I was serious about the Harem? Wait, is that an option?"

----------


## Personification

> First time player, having just created a fire-focused sorcerer: "Do humans count as fuel?"


I mean, objectively, yes.

----------


## BlueHamsterBean

*GM:*"The metal face in the sky lets out a scream that rends reality itself."
*Player:*"Oh great, this guy's into Swedish Metal. I'm never sharing my playlist with him."

----------


## Foeofthelance

"You know, its one thing to loot a dead party member's body, its another to thing to try and loot their _body."_

"Undead don't liiiiike it, bop the zombie, bop the zombie!" (As sung to the tune of _Rock the Casbah_)

"Four hundred years of undead and great, we found a theater critic."

----------


## ZeroGear

R: Yes, I like to dress up as a woman and hit things with a big sword, dont kink-shame me!

E: I dont have to listen to me, but you do!

O: My bones lied to me!

A: Stop standing there like a lemon about to be juiced!

X: Whats the most interesting thing youve pressed your face into?

E: As long as Im a mushroom, my heart is hidden, and Im safe.

R: He can regrow from a single yeast!

A: You aint a lord! Youre a smore! Im gonna set you on fire, melt you down, and eat you like a snack!

----------


## Necroticplague

I think youre misunderstanding my relationships by looking at it through your own lens. Its less that I own many, and more than I am owned by many. This [censored] is communal property, essentially.

----------


## NRSASD

"It is a tradition amongst my people that if a leader sends a man to his death, the leader should drink until he can no longer remember the man he sent."

----------


## AdmiralCheez

"Well, if it isn't the shake-weight sausage man!"

---

"I know what the smart move is. However, my character is gonna do the dumb thing, because that's the kind of person he is."

---

"We're going to drop initiative here because this will take all night. Basically, you spend the next two hours in an epic slap fight with the other barbarian, flattening an entire section of the bazaar and drawing a huge crowd of basically every secret drow police force in the city."
"Then my distraction worked! Huzzah!"

----------


## Wizard_Lizard

"You have too much human skin to be a ball."

----------


## dunfluff

Alum: I run to solid ground because flying bulls are a thing.

Alum: WHOS THROWING BULLS!

Horell: The question of the day is: are the bulls actually flying or is the oni just throwing them at us.

Horell: I mean... the room is very hole sized.

Lonji: Im locked in with you, your locked in with me, were locked in here together, its gona be great.

Sasani: if you truly are a oni, may you learn what it is to fight a dragon.
GM: oh, that is corny, I like it.

Sasani: and the dragon stands alone.
Lonji: hey Im right here.
Sasani: and the dragon stands alone with a kobold.
Scar: ill just leave you guys here then.

Lonji: My plan was to get swallowed
Sasani: you can still do that
Lonji: but you look so much tastier than me

Scar: never scare an alchemist. they pop.

Scar: could you just wrap your stone cloak around you and just wait a couple of days to be passed like a kidney stone
Alum: Not the escape route I was thinking out

Scar: so, the enemy sees Horell fly away scared into a wall, land on a rock and vomit
Lonji: and then high fives the vomit
Boss: ????

Alum: of course, a cow would have an alternate moovement

Horell: I create a Goorell.
Horell: Goorell jumps over to the next rock. he seems to have a goal in mind.
Lonji: you mean he seems to have a gooal.

GM: Scar tears up alum like captain America did to that log in that avengers movie.
Horell: I was not prepared for this today.

GM: you put the potted plant in your bag of holding
Lonji: but there is no oxygen in the bag
Horell: its a plant! it produces oxygen.
Lonji: !!!

Lonji: No I dont. I have learned from my mistakes... learned a little from my mistakes.
Scar: learned to make new mistakes.

GM: you need a rage power to use Horell as an improvised weapon. you are not proficient with Horell.

Lonji: Im getting the hang of this. IM A MAJESTIC ALBATROS!

Lonji: Also death from above in aquan: seagull attack

----------


## Solamnicknight

A recent session had this gem. Oh no its rhyming. Its always bad when they rhyme.

----------


## Wizard_Lizard

> Evil Guy: "So, do you wish to serve me?"
> Raven: "You have my sword." [laying the sword at the EG's feet]
> Evil Guy: "Good."
> Raven: "...but I'm a Wizard." [casts Black Tentacles]


"You have my bow"
"Good"
"But I'm.... also a wizard." [casts Fireball]

----------


## Necroticplague

Bruta: You seem awfully calm about having your body stolen. 
Gene: Dude, I need like, a dozen different medications to come close to balancing my fragile neurochemistry. Frankly, if they want it, they can freaking have it.

----------


## genderlich

"I can substitute compassion with a mixture of water and coconut oil."

----------


## dunfluff

Scar: you do realize that that doesnt even damage me?
GM: *dejected* yes
Lonji: but it does make you feel slightly uncomfortable.

Alum: Im sorry I just lobotomized your regent candidate.

Lonji: how do you know who is a peasant and who is a ninja dressed as a peasant.
Scar: you try to kill them. if its easy its a peasant.
Lonji: Cant I just go BOO! and see if they try to kill me?

Scar: Dont worry its just the village angry rock.

Lonji: I mean they attacked us, how smart could they be?

Horell: I cant hit the broad side of a giant shark.

Horell: the kids are like "oh look. strangers. lets shoot them".
Lonji: Thats our people.

GM: There were seven answers to that riddle and written reactions to each answer...
Scar: And we found an 8:th answer.

Lonji: We really need to start killing things soon. We are much more impressive at that.
We started strong but keep losing points the more we talk.

Alum: Ok. When I feel you get hurt Ill come running.
Lonji: NO! thats not the message. when I get hurt that means Im at the castle.

Loni: I´ve lost the argument with myself.

Scar: You are wrong. I dont know what you said but it is wrong.

Lonji: No. Thats a Lonji idea. Dont do it.

Lonji: How dare he be human. that was his first mistake.

GM: The corpse of the boss twitches and a large creature rips its way out of the corpse like a suite thats too small.
Horell: Hey! thats my schtick.

GM: the druid looks at you with a look that says that you just killed his wife, his pet, and his assistant all at the same time.
Scar: Thats a very specific look.

Demon: Are any off you children?
Sasani: You can see all of us so that would make us aparent.
Demon: Im literally from hell and that joke is the worst Ive heard in 30 years.

Horell: Dont take alum to hell. he will melt in the lava.
Demon: Thats a common misconception. hell is more of a humid heat. your thinking of Igneus, the elemental plane of fire.
Demon: Hell is more meat hooks and torture.
Horell: ok. thanks?

Horell: This is weird. I kind of feel sorry about fighting this demon. hes being really polite and reasonable.
Alum: He was literally summoned here against his will.
Demon: It is nothing personal. I could just leave and find someone else to torture.

Lonji: We are so starved for interaction!

Sasani: This is the first time weve had a polite conversation in the middle of combat.

Lonji: IM FUELED BY ACID, BLOOD AND RAGE!

Demon: Why was I even summoned?
Horell: aww. Im sorry mister demon.
Demon: Dude? really?

----------


## TheYell

DARK PALADIN: I charge in amongst them.
GM: Roll to see if you do that without killing them.
DARK PALADIN: 2.
GM: Uh, no.
DARK PALADIN: Oh well! I shout EVERYONE LOVES A SLINKY as they hurtle down the sides of the pyramid

----------


## Wizard_Lizard

"Hmmm Cheese." _Stares capriciously at what is clearly a skull._

----------


## NRSASD

> "Hmmm Cheese." _Stares capriciously at what is clearly a skull._


That wouldn't happen to be... head cheese, now would it?

----------


## Wizard_Lizard

> That wouldn't happen to be... head cheese, now would it?


Wtf did I just google. That is almost as cursed as chocolate spaghetti, another result of campaign shenanigans, and _again_ a real thing, unfortunately.

----------


## ZeroGear

E: "Don't worry! We've got experience dealing with these kinds of situations!"
A: "You could even say we're 'Seasoned Adventurers'!"
R: "Sure, if blood and guts count as seasoning."

X: "Some help please?"
O: "Dammit, if only this fence wasn't in the way."
R: "You can FLY you birdbrain!"

E: "Are they panicking?"
O: "Everyone except skeletons!"
X: "Not much gets under their skin."

A: "I'm warning you! I HAVE A SPOON!"

----------


## TheYell

GM: ...And carved in the altar is the Latin word for "Love".
CHRIS: Would that be "caritas", or "eros"?
RON: "Agape".
GM: Shut up.

****
GM: And Ian is babbling about something or other.
CHRIS: "Ian: Did you know the Doctor and the Master were each other's mothers? I read that online"
GM: +50 XP to you Chris

----------


## Cyberiad_Queen

> GM: ...And carved in the altar is the Latin word for "Love".
> CHRIS: Would that be "caritas", or "eros"?
> RON: "Agape".


Agape and Eros are Greek, actually.

----------


## dunfluff

Horell: I kind of like getting the guided tour through the bandit castle.

Lonji: This is weird. I know we have to kill him but I kind of dont want to.
Horell: This is the demon all over again.
Lonji: Cant we just guard him incompetently so that he runs away?

Bandit: wow. how did you find all this neat gear and weapons here?
Lonji: We prayed.
Bandit: In that case I really need to find god.

Horell: I know you have worked hard to steal all this stuff, but we are going to give it all back.
Bandit: That is completely understandable. I am a thief. I understand that thieving goes both ways.

Alum: Alum looks as happy in the mud as... Alum in mud...

Lonji: should we bring everyone with us to the geishas?
Horell: I think the horse might be a little too much.

Lonji: I´ll put the gloves on the horse and make it say careful.
Horse: !?
Lonji: It wont be easy since I first have to teach it Teran.

Scar: I havent crafted anything.
GM: You have crafted a lot of corpses
Lonji: We are very proficient at that.
Scar: Thats not crafting. Thats art.

Horell: (hits with attack) 
Horell: (to crossbow) I dont understand. What do you want from me?!
Lonji: Why are you upset? you hit him.

Alum: The enemy of my enemy could just be a "%&#.

Lonji: I mean I also hit people when I get suppressed.

Lonji: But he was mean.
Horell: so were you for cutting his head off.
Lonji: Last time we talked to our enemies we kind of developed Stockholms syndrome.
GM: Confess. you were just angry because he called you ugly.

Lonji: Its like reverse acupuncture. I hit them in the foot and their backs explode.

Scar: Im on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it.

Alum: Scar is being really reasonable civil about this.
Lonji: usually Im the one who flies into a fight.
Scar: yea. I usually gets dragged into fighting.

Horell: Im really happy the murder lizard is on our side.
Alum: as a person that has been murdered by him yes.

Alum: technically I can summon a bunch of tigers. would that be racist?

Lonji: oh, thats right I have a boat in my pocket.
Horell: is that a boat in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Horell: I´M A MOTHERFLUFFING ALBATROSS
GM: I think Horell just got upgraded to seagull. Master of both air and water.
Lonji: Why are you only awesome when rescuing me?

GM: the seagulls dont pay you much mind, they have accepted you into their society.

Lonji: Im not a professional murderer.
Alum: no, you are an enthusiastic armature.
Lonji: your right. Im not getting paid for this.

Lonji: Im gona sneak up all quiet like and open the door. if it explodes... it will make a loud noise.

Loni: I dont want to talk to them. they are scared of me and that hurts.

Horell: "is sad"
GM: dont worry, the seagulls still love you.

Alum: if this turns out to be a big misunderstanding Im going to have to repair all the doors you break.
GM: oh no. that will take all of a few seconds.
Alum: its the principle that counts.

Horell: there are bad touchy ghosts!

----------


## Tarmor

Kestutis: I get out my potion of levitation and drink it.

GM: In the avalanche...

Lathan's Player: "You're wearing boots of levitation."

Catch cry for a decade afterwards... "Wisdom of 21!".

----------


## ZeroGear

E: "WHY IS THERE A CROCODILE IN THE HOUSE?"
R: "I was wondering where I felt that."

O: "There was a shadow, and it moved!"

X: "What's the current market value of thirty-acres-and-a-mule?"

R: "Do you not know anything about breeding horses?"
X: "...no."

E: "Wait until you see it's extendable neck!"

O: "He just aggressively thrust in my direction!"

R: "What could be worse than actual rotting flesh?"
A: "It could have been something mint-flavored."

A: "I got you! I got you!"
E: "Get me more! Get me harder!"
A: "...would you like to rephrase that for five points?"
E: "No!"

X: "What? I'm not above a little petty kidnapping."

E: "IT'S THE CROCODILE AGAIN!"

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

Chat logs after my most recent session (slightly cleaned up):

*Spoiler: Dramatis Personae*
Show


Tsun Azur : a halfling paladin. Fond of breaking kneecaps. Reacts _really badly_ when people call him any of "cute", "small", or "child". Does not appreciate pats on the head.
Sargas of Tor Elan : a soulforged (warforged, but different) cleric of Tor Elan, the sun god/war god. Takes "war" very seriously. Super militant. Not so much a diplomat.
Rune : a fallen aasimar hexblade warlock. Missing most of his memories and new to the group. Not sure who (or what) his patron is.
Dil : a human bard. Played by one of GitP's own regulars.
Crow : Doesn't speak much, but he's basically a kenku batman. Simultaneously the odd man out (being from a whole different continent) and the only sane party member. 



Tsun Azur : So I cant adopt her...?
Sargas of Tor Elan and Rune, basically simultaneously : No
Tsun Azur : Darn
Dil : [You can] try, but I don't think it's likely

_...sometime later..._

Tsun Azur : ...So when we return, Im gonna adopt Lacivia.....
Rune: No
Tsun Azur Why...? She is adorable!
Dil : Of course. :slight_smile: She's so sweet ...
Tsun Azur : See someone sides with me
Dil : ... but kind of powerful ...
Sargas of Tor Elan : We do not want a powerful fae on us
Tsun Azur : Its okay. We can train her to help us
Rune :  https://tenor.com/view/matt-mercer-n...e-gif-16077059
Tsun Azur : Darn :frowning:

*Spoiler: Context*
Show

They were talking about the archfey they met, Lascivia, who took the shape of a little child. As a note, her power level would be *OVER 9000!!!!!* Not quite demigod-class, but not that far off either. Capable of locking bunches of people into stasis without effort and converting all their weapons into hairpins (lots and lots of them to account for the mass). And they're level 2 (now 3).



_...sometime later..._

Tsun Azur : Btw if we find any other child NPCs (or actual child NPCs) with no adults, Tsun might ask to adopt them. Just saying.
Sargas of Tor Elan : The party is not adopting any children. It's one thing if we rescue some and need to get them back to town to save them but we ain't traveling to dangerous areas with a child lol
Rune : True that. We're not exactly good role models necessarily.

Tsun Azur :  Well if we rescue a child, can Tsun temporarily take care of them until we return them to town? Keep them away from the scary people and act as a good influence? Yes I know we are not taking children into crazy situations.
Sargas of Tor Elan : Good influence? Tsun? "No no you hit the kneecap at this angle".
Tsun Azur : Yes he would be teaching them that.
Rune : See my point?
Tsun Azur : No. He is an excellent influence.

Sargas of Tor Elan : I recognize the need to keep children away from any of us... and if we must, I'm giving it to Crow. He's the overall most sane of us. Which is ironic since he's the ROGUE.
Rune: I can agree with that.
Tsun Azur : Lets say that in the Halfling tribe, Tsun was responsible for handling the children in the tribe. One of them liked pyromancy and would argue with Tsun over the effectiveness of 3rd degree burns vs busting kneecaps...Okay I do agree, Crow is the sane one.

Sargas of Tor Elan : Let's see... religious fanatic metal man, the kneecapper tsun, the mental patient rune, and flirty bard, and the quiet rogue. Hmmmmmmm.
Tsun Azur: Honestly Crow is the normal one until he teaches them to become Batman or kidnap other kids.
Sargas of Tor Elan : Crow never kidnapped any kids. He kidnapped a halfling paladin and didn't even get a receipt so we can't return it for a less crazy model.
Rune : Very true.
Tsun Azur : Hey this Halfling Paladin is amazing. No need for an exchange. And you cant get a receipt for a kidnapping.

----------


## Rater202

"Mr. Fox, why do I periodically go insane and trying to kill everyone?"
"Rawr, blarg, rawr yip-yip-roar!"

----------


## GravityEmblem

Shifter: I put on my opera mask and fake moustache and approach the guard.
DM: Ok...
Shifter: Hello! I am the French ambassador from Gobbledegook, and this is my entourage. I have come to inspect the structural integrity of your building!

----------


## AdmiralCheez

"Excuse me sir, do you have change for a Rembrandt?"

"We're the middle chain in a mambo line of spies chasing spies."

"I'm gonna volleyball spike that gazer." 

"You have to go North to go South." 

"So, a dwarf, a child, and a robot walk into a lingerie store..." 

"Can you pick locks?
"I can, but... it's a bag." 

"At last! A butter worthy of being spread by my knife!"

----------


## Ajustusdaniel

Hendry:  You know, the fact that I wasn't more disturbed by taking that oath is disturbing.

Jett:  You know, the fact that I wasn't more comfortable with taking that oath is comforting... screw you, dad.

----------


## ZeroGear

X: "Don't worry, I'm going to punch you back to health."

E: "You're a spotted d**k."
R: "That sounds bad, you should get that looked at."

A: "Why are you a depressed sheep?"

R: "Be careful of the explosions."
A: "What?"
R: "And the laser beam."
A: "WHAT?"
R: "And the sleep gas."
A: "WHAT?"
R: "Also the poison."
A: "IS THERE ANYTHING IT DOESN'T HAVE?"

E: "It's a 50/50 chance with you: either it's a joke, or you're stupid."
O: "Why than-...HEY!"

X: "Don't worry, you're going to love it. Just close your eyes and hold out your hands..."
E: "THIS IS HOW PEOPLE DIE IN HORROR STORIES!"

----------


## dunfluff

Alum: so, we are basically fighting bad AI.
Horell: Alum. you broke them.
Sasani: you pressed the god mode button. 
Alum: Yea literally. Im also nocliping.

Sasani: Horell falls, everyone dies.
GM: No. I will not TPK half the party under Horells butt.

Scar: *in bad Italian mobster accent* I usually kill for money, but now Im tiny, I kill you for nothing.

Sasani: I charge it with my sword hurting ghost... I mean ghost hurting sword.
GM: its the dreaded sword hurting ghost. it will make your sword into an ex-calibur.

Lonji: Lick the gate.

Lonji: ALUM. LICK THE BEADS.

GM: This is bull----- why do they build all these cool puzzles and then give you the off button.
Scar: the swiss army sword of solutions.

Horell: how much wood would a Lonji know if a Lonji would know wood.
Scar: all of it if he licked it.

Alum: stop poking it. its a trap. A light activated trap.
Scar: Eh. let Lonji at it. he not so bright.

Alum: Mm. this is good wood.

Scar: so, he tricked her into playing cards against your humanity.

Lonji: we are all really... whats the phrase... horny for malice.
Everyone else: WTF!

GM: its a "tiger"
Scar: chunky boy!

Scar: is there a spell "summon yarn ball"?

GM: you are deafened for 4 rounds
Alum: As if that makes any difference. Lonji never listens to us anyway.

Horell: That looks suspicious. is it black with orange stripes or orange with black stripes?

Horell: Thats not a tiger
GM: I said he was a wizard with a tiger. not that he was one.
Lonji: you told us that he was a tiger, I choose to believe.
Scar: what! no tiger?
Lonji: I was promised a tiger. lets just turn around and leave.
GM: is this really your primary concern?

Scar: Oh no you cant harm the door... After alum is done the door will be the only thing standing out of the whole dungeon.

Horell: that things attack bonus is higher than my AC...
Scar: so, what your saying is that it has a 5% miss chance against you.
Alum: so, what your saying is that youre on the right side of the door.

Horell: its still a hit.
GM: I havent rolled yet.
Horell: ...its still a hit.

Horell: I thought clouds were immune to lightning.
Lonji: No, they are filled with lightning.
Horell: I am now.

Lonji: we have no willpower. if they talk to us, we become friends.

Horell: well... there is a small possibility of about 90%.

Lonji: Dont worry. Ill go and kill that shadow demon and... *stabs Horell through the chest*

Horell: *GHASP*--- Alum... what would it take to convert to Thorag-ism.

Horell: Well it was nice knowing you... again.
Alum: I JUST FIXED THAT!

Scar: ugh. youre such a stickler for protocol
Alum: Yes. thank you.

Oracle: I see that the winged man did not make it.
Alum: I´ll fix him. I fix things. like stuff, and people, and peoplestuff.

Sasani: so, you just flew all the way from the caravan and boy are your arms tired?
Horell: basically yes.

NPC: *takes out her instrument and starts playing it*
Horell: Wait! she came down with us!
GM: did anyone tell her to wait at the surface?

Dragon turtle: you got the girl and killed our master. why are you here?
Scar: shinnies mostly.
Scar: Think about us mentally like red dragons.
Scar: you could technically leave for... say 1-hour tops and then return and we would be long gone.

----------


## Laughing Dog

"This isn't Faerun, high-level characters don't grow on trees here!"

----------


## GravityEmblem

Monk (about the fighter): dashing through the halls, on a one bear open shield, oer the floor we go, NEVER-ing all the way

DM: As a bear, you're inherently mooning the guards

Druid: How can you be the king's messenger if you DROP things??!

----------


## GravityEmblem

DM: Magical script appears on the door. It says "Two failed password attempts. One more failed password attempt will lock this door for 10 minutes."

Druid: It's actually _lies_ covered in _carrots!_

Rogue: Lies covered in carrots.

DM: The door locks itself.

----------


## NRSASD

Tarqhua: It's like beer goggles for Jesus!

Seth: Hi we're your friends.
Hobgoblin: I don't have any friends left.
Seth: We're your new friends!

All of the female players in unison, upon seeing more pirate wizards: Ah! More fabulous men!

Pirate Wizard: _Fashion_ is our only crime!

Tomph: Who's that cowboy in the corner?
Seth: Oh my, I like him! I'm going to take his clothes.

----------


## HalfTangible

"Of course! I..." Saint's stance suddenly shifts, pushing out his chest in a swaggering posture. "...am the infamous wandering warrior, Saint of Heroes. And I'm going to get some answers from this Warden, if he's letting his city fall into such vile darkness!" 

As Saint announces himself, there's a moment of silence in the building.

Then, "Who?"
"Wait, you don't know either?"
"Oh thank the gods, I thought I was the only one..."
"You shouldn't say you're infamous if you're not, kid, you'll give people heart attacks."

Usho scowls. "Well you WILL know him when he saves all of you faster than you can say 'the Empress bathes in goat's blood'!"
"Oh gods, does she?"
"Is that how she stayed young for centuries?"
"I heard it was the blood of her own children... that's why she had so many of them!"
"She had goat kids?!"

Usho buries his faces in his hands. "[Saint] do we have to save these people?"

----------


## Telok

"Lackey! More flamers!"

"Lackey! Another fire extinguisher!"

"Well _I'm_ not the one who burnwd down the city _this time._

"Did we just give the mind flayers a world destroying super weapon?"

"None of us own any planets right? Just the spaceship?"

----------


## dunfluff

Different campaign due to hiatus in meetings:
(I´ve never seen so many nat 1:s)

Tenka: Im dead!? wait does that mean we can double die? can we triple die? can we even kill anything? double kill?

Tenka: you know when people say to stay calm? Those are the moments when you definitely should not stay calm.

Tenka: Im not sure you can starve once you are dead. but Im not about to find out.
Asher: how do you think skeletons happen?

Tenka: wow. remind me never to piss off Ray of sunlight born by the... something or other... forgot it.
Asher: you could start with remembering his name.
Tenka: come on. its a long and complicated name.
Ray Of Sunlight, Born By The Grace Of The GODDESS, Rememeber,That One Day, You Too, Shall Die: its a medium length name and to the point.

Ray: have you made peace with your gods?
Tenka: I dont know. I´ve gone to church every Sunday. so... yes?

NPC: you are not technically in the right post mortem frame of reference?

Asher: Deathception.
GM: yes. the entire boneyard is a little confused.

NPC: We cant leave the graveyard in this state in the boneyard. That would be the gravest of insults.

Tenka: we could try to run away... from a large god like entity... so... not many good options.

Tenka: Lets double kill this bird.
Asher: I grab the crow with burning hands.
Ray: I am morally conflicted right now.

Bird: YOU STUPID &%#@!
Ray: I wont deny that.

Bird: Get of me!
Asher: Dont get off!
Ray: I wont help the bird get off.

Mayor: why have you bound a bird?
Tenka: It kept screaming at us.

Asher: So many teeth. so unnerving.
GM: He has teeth on his head.
Tenka: He has teeth in his head.
Asher: Not a lot according to his picture.

Crow: hes lying trough his teeth.
Asher: I take a step forward and BURNING HANDS.
Tenka: Ah, a heated argument I see.

Tenka: The real owner of this castle will be SO happy with us.
Asher: Whenever I have a problem I throw a Molotov cocktail at it. Oh look, a new problem.
GM: The diplomat everyone.

Tenka: oh... this has never happened for me before...
Asher: YES, IT HAS!
Asher: MORE FIRE!

GM: the perfect strike with the strength of a butterfly.
GM: What we have learned today is that its time to do pushups.

Ray: I walk up and with the inevitability of winter I... miss.
Tenka: In this group that really is inevitable.
Ray: Statistically this should not happen.

Asher: if we are going to be ineffective we can at least do it inexpensively

----------


## DigoDragon

*Oze*: "I guess I'm not a figment of my own imagination."

*Icebreaker*: "CPAs. Who really certifies them?"

*News Pony*: "A truck filled with red paint has overturned after colliding with a delivery drone carrying brown shoe polish. Drives at the intersection are marooned until emergency servies arrive."

*Nebula*: "I have ponykinesis. I will fight you for these cookies!"
*Nivix*: "I have ponykinesis too. I will fight back!"
*Father Irons*: "Now now, we are all children of Celestia. There is cookies for everyone."
*Icebreaker*: "Some of us are more children than others..."

*Icebreaker*: "So what we do is toss all the cookies into a blender-"
*Nebula*: "NOOO!!"
*Icebreaker*: "What? That's basically how you make a Starbucks drink."
*GM*: "...fair point."

*Voice in the hall*: "One two, buckle my shoe..."
*Icebreaker*: "Nebula, stop being creepy."
*Nebula*: *_snoring like a truck_*
*Lethe*: "I'm waking the other team members."
*Voice in the hall*: "Three four, shut the door..."
*Nebula*: "I'm going to have nightmares about this."
*Oze*: "Same."

*Peanu Gallery*: "The Shadow Realm needs better wifi."

*PCs*: *_critting their dodgeball attacks_*
*Smirkfluff*: "Someone needs to call these shadow creatures a Wahbulance."
*GM*: "The announcer isn't even coherent now. Just growling at this point."
*Nivix*: "Angry shadow muppet noises."

*Tantabus*: "Why isn't she burning?! It's been 15 minutes, I preheated this oven!"

*Nivix*: "I am perfectly willing to subject myself to the nightmares. For science."

*Nebula*: "I'm going to eat a horsetess snack cake. Angrily."

*Oze*: "Is Nebula being hunted by some organization?"
*Nebula*: (*_spittakes_*) "What."
*Icebreaker*: "Wanted, dead or alive: this child!"

*Nebula*: "Is the wifi box sitting on one of those awkward shelves that doesn't quite fit anything?"
*GM*: "Where it hangs, looking out of place? Yes."
*Icebreaker*: "When you're as old as Madam Mimi, you have to be careful of the weefee demons!"

*Madam Mimi*: "You all seem to be very interested, and Lethe rolled a 27 Sense Motive against me..."

----------


## Guizonde

finally a player again! meet yeet the gnoll.

ogrin: we should pack food.
yeet: i haz food.
drow rogue (unrevealed name): i've seen what you eat. i'm not eating goblin.
yeet: i haz human-food, too. i can cook good food for you. i keep the goblin for me. taste good.
fen'wei: well, at least we're not on the menu!
ogrin: yet.

yeet: hay tribe mine! if yeet give cheese to people, they become friends! 
dm: that was way too adorable for a 7 foot tall anthropophage.
ogrin: out-faced by a walking garbage disposal.

fen'wei the elf: ok, time to go see the burger-master.
yeet: i haz no more cheese, how will ogrin make him like tribe?
rogue: maybe he likes goblin?

----------


## AdmiralCheez

DM: The book presents five options for how the players could potentially solve the crisis. You all chose option six.
Players: But all the people involved in options 1-5 hate us!

----------


## ConanOfSumeria

"You know what they call a quarterstaff in France?"

"You must declare you are wearing pants."

----------


## Lord Torath

"Wait, I thought we were _fighting_ the banshee!"
"The banshee now works for Therium."
"So now the undead scorpions are on our side?"
"Yup."
"So now the ceiling's attacking us."
"Yup."

----------


## Diachronos

"And you're doing that as a f*cking carrot?!"

"And the only person behind it is a sack of carrots at 7 inches tall."

----------


## Grendus

Player: Sounds like we found a new base. With a minor monster infestation.

DM: Shouldn't you wait until you're out of earshot before you start openly planning to betray the questgiver?

----------


## Necroticplague

"Oh no, I am cursed as all heck, just like the rest. It's simply that I was designed to be cursed later, making me the sole good guy of my master's creations."

----------


## AdmiralCheez

"We paid off our loan to the mob, and now our loan shark is crashing on our couch for a week."
"Wait, what? This is why I can't leave you in charge of the tavern!"
"They're paying us 400 gold."
"Never mind! Carry on!"

----------


## Diachronos

"Boss Fight Part 2: Political Boogaloo"

----------


## NotInventedHere

"I am reasonably sure that you can't tell the difference between ghosts and illusory cocaine dealers using Sense Motive."

----------


## Rynjin

"This one goes in your mouth. This one goes up your butt. Don't get them mixed up or you'll die."

----------


## Guizonde

dm: so you see about 30 twig-blights. yeet, what do you do?
yeet: yeet gleefully charges into the fray spewing insults in hyena!
wheeze: language!

wheeze: hey dog and paladin! get down!
ogryn: *ducks*
yeet: dog? what dog? *gets hit by a lightning bolt*

dm: so the giant tree bites ogryn for 21 points of damage.
yeet: i'm gonna pee on that thing out of spite for hurting my tribe.
*the tree is dead*
yeet: *pees on the tree*
wheeze: that's gross.
ogryn: she did give us fair warning.

ulman: fen'wei? how are you up on the ceiling?
fen'wei: pirate antics.
ulman: how is your hat still on?
fen'wei: trade secret.

wheeze: what's that smell? 
ulman: you set fire to our gnoll-mother. what did you expect?

yeet: hey ulman, loot the valuables, i'm looting the meat.
ulman, with distaste in his voice: yeah, go right ahead.

ulman: anything happening over there?
ogryn: nah, yeet is tenderizing dinner. how does roasted raven and potatoes sound?
fen'wei: this is why i'm a pescatarian.

wheeze: why is the smelly pet cooking dinner?
ulman: you get used to it.

----------


## Diachronos

"He gave me muffins, so I killed people."

----------


## Necroticplague

Nesdu:...should we be worried about why you aren't Immaculate anymore?
Gene: Nah, I was just a **** monk. Turns out, 'trying too hard' is apparently a big no-no amongst them. Unfortunately, the nickname stuck.

----------


## Diachronos

"I turn on the horse."

----------


## Laughing Dog

"Our name is Legion, for I am... many."

----------


## Destro2119

"What is the armor class of Washington DC?"

----------


## NotInventedHere

"Okay, I'm giving you five experience points because it was a funny war crime."

----------


## Diachronos

"Oh, right! They don't recognize you as one of the heroes because you did all that sh*t as a f*cking lemur!"

----------


## DeTess

"So, I'm basically trying to no-clip to get to the other side of the magical dimensional barrier."

"It worked! ...crap, it worked."

----------


## MoiMagnus

"We want to say to him that something is happening. We don't really know if he wants to destroy the world of save it but in both cases we want to help him."

"(Boss) I am the song of war and the howl of death!!! (Confused Paladin) Sorry ... who are you again?"

"Hear me out, if might sound crazy, but I think that walking through blizzard for a week to say a quick hello to this venerable white dragon actually *increases* our chances of survival."

----------


## KnotKnormal

Male 30 year old Halfling: I haven't had this much fun since I was a 13 year old girl.

Riden: I'm a pretty accomplished trophy hunter
Lakhi: wait... I thought you gave the penis back.

Lakhi: how many people have you murdered?
Naga: 1
Filo: Oh! That seams like a pretty reasonable amount of murder.

Lakhi: I will appreciate the torture. I mean you will appreciate the torture. We all will appreciate the torture.

----------


## KnotKnormal

Chef: If we are going to die, we are going to die well fed.
Ralph: But if we don't die, then we die hungry

----------


## NotInventedHere

"Re-plant your gays?"

"...Well, it's better than 'compost your gays'."

----------


## BettaGeorge

Party wizard (after careful deliberation): "Tell you what. You give us back our wedding cake, and we let you get back to torturing the senator for information."

----------


## Telok

Barred from making zombie cow necro-milk farms.

When the DM introduces an undead skin monster may not figure out how to enemy leather armor turn into such during combat.

No more evil laughter while cooking people alive with Heat Metal spells if I want to maintain my position as an official paragon of humanitarian virtue and kindness. The burning, killing, and tasteless BBQ jokes are still OK, it was just the laughter that was crossing the line.

----------


## Diachronos

"This cake is going to confuse the tiefling."

----------


## Lord Torath

> Barred from making zombie cow necro-milk farms.
> 
> When the DM introduces an undead skin monster may not figure out how to enemy leather armor turn into such during combat.
> 
> No more evil laughter while cooking people alive with Heat Metal spells if I want to maintain my position as an official paragon of humanitarian virtue and kindness. The burning, killing, and tasteless BBQ jokes are still OK, it was just the laughter that was crossing the line.


I think you meant to post in this thread:
Things I May No Longer Do While Playing XII: A Thousand-Yard Stare is not Permission

Don't feel bad; it's a common mistake.   :Small Big Grin:

----------


## Telok

> I think you meant to post in this thread:
> Things I May No Longer Do While Playing XII: A Thousand-Yard Stare is not Permission
> 
> Don't feel bad; it's a common mistake.


Yeah, oopsie. I blame small phone screens. On topic:

"Would you prefer cat vomit or baby poop for this dragon?"

----------


## Diachronos

"They aren't afraid of down, they're afraid of up."

----------


## AdmiralCheez

"Did we just get pranked into murdering a guy for no reason?"
"If it makes you feel better, we're about to genocide the entire city, so you know.... his life didn't really matter anyway."
"Thanks, that somehow _doesn't_ make me feel better about any of this."


"Did you... eat his belongings?"
"The rest of him is still in the parlor if you're interested."
"... I'm gonna loot the body."


"So is your ritual going to turn everyone into Slaads, like this was going to?"
"No, my ritual is going to turn it into soup."
"Ooh, where's the ritual circle of unlimited breadsticks?"

----------


## Cortillaen

*GM:* "At the end of the hallway, you come to a door."
*P1:* "What's it made out of?"
*GM:* "I dunno, it's made of door!"

*Me:* _summing up previous session_ "Okay, so we were fighting the gray alien mafia in their stupid pinstripe suits, and P2 gathered up a bunch kinetic energy that I dumped into a rifle shot and blew their saucer to hell.  Then the paranoid trucker-mage drove us back to the real world."

*GM:* "You trigger the paradox backlash, and your body starts folding in on itself, compressing over and over until all that is left is your right hand sitting on the floor.  Then your eye opens on the back of the hand and you see the Man-in-Black who was about to inject you still staggered from the eruption of magic."
*P2:* "Wait, I'm still alive?!"
*GM:* "More or less.  But you're just a hand with an eye now."
*P2:* "Can I move like Thing from the Addams Family?"
*GM:* "Sure."
*P2:* "I run up his leg, grab the syringe, and stab him with it."

----------


## KnotKnormal

Filo: Infact there will be many EXPOSED penises there, and that is where I feel you will be the least safe.

Filo: it's ok these are the child rapists. At least I hope these are the child rapists this time.

----------


## AdmiralCheez

"So you're a kobold druid with a gun, and a habitual art thief?"


"Can anyone see the red text on the map that clearly says 'pit trap?'"
"No?"
"Oh good, that's working! There's no pit trap."


"There's a skeleton on the bed."
"Oh, not again!"
"Do you... do you frequently encounter skeletons on beds?"

----------


## Diachronos

"Tyler, you and Sexy Jake are making my job at being a demon who's _accepted_ in this town *way* harder than it needs to be."

----------


## Wizard_Lizard

"I roll a six and swallow a few bees."

"The meat is good! Trust me! I've eaten this kind of food before!" Proffers the cooked flesh of an unfortunate dwarf.

----------


## Guizonde

grigori: relax, we're just starting a gang war, everything'll be fine.
aaron: *pulls out an autocannon*
grigori: ok, i can roll with that.

----------


## GravityEmblem

"That would be like the Three Stooges guarding the most dangerous prisoner in the world."

"Have some wisdom, son!" *hands him a paper that says "rice krispies suck"*

"Wait, the Rainbow Zebra _doesn't_ have four arms?"

"I leave for one year, and when I come back, my dad's married to a dragon!"

"Apparently, Harambe is as big as a T-Rex."

"It should really be called 'The Blade of Whirling Death' instead of "The Greataxe of Axehead Falling Off"

"I summon my Familiar." "It instantly dies."

"That's a success, you're no longer scared pantsless."

----------


## the_david

"So you swim for another hour."

----------


## LastCenturion

"Consequentialism is the morality of kings, I'll kill you quickly and profitably."
"Yeah yeah, just make it a really dope death."
"Is there a non-dope way to consensually shoot your ally and fellow noble in the face until demons pop out and destroy giant mechanical apocalypse-spiders?"
"Point."

----------


## Vknight

"We must have career courtesy between witches even ones that eat children."

"You are correct my only goal is to guard the bridge you can just go around but I was really hoping for the fight"

"I am TAIYO bow before me and my great cosmic power over fire!!"  *The ninja proceeds to pet him*

----------


## dunfluff

Horell: Ok. Things to remember to not say to the ninjas. Hello monkey. And eggnog city.
Lonji: Hello eggnog monkeys.

Alum: Dont half ass 2 things, whole ass 1 thing.
Lonji: Im already dragging your ass through town.

GM: I dont think there is a knowledge crime.
Lonji: we are adventurers, we all have knowledge of a lot of crimes.

Scar: Does it look like a square rock with arms and legs?
Alum: he kind of looks like a tiny alum with wings.
Sasani: oh god how does it fly?
Alum: with great skill and immense determination.

Lonji: Oh no. My problem is that Im not just incredibly hard to notice, I also am incredibly bad at noticing anything

Horell: Im suddenly happy that Im half pelican.

Lonji: Am I being evil if I stab this thing? I mean I can always stop stabbing it.
Sasani: it is a very stabbable offence.

Npc: *Hits Horrell*
Horell: *splits in two*
Npc: youre doing it wrong, now theres two of them.
Alum: you have to hit him backwards.

GM: alum, roll a reflex save
Alum: why would you say something so controversial?

GM: I know we joke a lot about this Alum, but you are actually made of flesh right?
Scar: did you actually turn into stone?
Horell: I think he actually turned into stone
Lonji: he does make a pretty statue.

Alum: I blame Lonji.
Lonji: Hey!
Alum: this all started when you called me statuesque.

Lonji: he talk with mouth like he pronounces goodly.

Alum: this is the tiny wall all over again.

Sasani: you really shouldnt have given me the "no fun allowed" sword.

Horell: I like this guy.
Lonji: hes both logical and practical. This has never happened.
Scar: can we knock him out and take him with us?
Alum: Horell, can you clone him?
Lonji: NO!
Horell: ...yes. 

Lonji: I cant see Horrell anymore, he landed on the other side of the... oh no.
Lonji: is this how you guys feel all the time about me? I like it.

GM: is that a hit?
Alum: yes, it is a t-rex. its not hard to hit, but you have to get worryingly close to do it.

Scar: HE WAS BEING POLITE!

Alum: The t-rex is a wise being
Lonji: haha, its so much wiser than me.

Horell: I AM HORELL FROM SANDPOINT, IMORTAL LIFECHEMIST, FLEE NOW!
NPC: Youre not even a real bird person.

Alum: Im going to beast shape into a giant $#&§off bird.
Lonji: But rocks cant fly.
Alum: This one can.

Alum: you may play your sword and sorcery, but Im in a friggin KAIJU MOVIE!

Lonji: PINEAPPLE! oh wait... CAREFULL!

Scar: I would run this country into the ground, building swamps everywhere.
Alum: you dont build swamps. you stop building things and swamps sort of pop up.

Lonji: whats the polite word for ninja?
Alum: freelance intelligence service.

Horell: Making potions for an entire army is monstrously expensive.
Lonji: They have an economy, its called being a country.

Alum: its always nice when anatomy works as intended.

Alum: I mean... they do look a lot like bowling pins from here.

Alchemist: Come down here and fight like a man.
Horell: I dont suppose you could come up here and fight like a bird?

Horell: What do you call a flock of Horells? A MURDER!
Alchemist: See? He gets it.

Lonji: I can try, but its getting really hard to try and bluff everyone that we are a traveling circus.
Scar: Why are we concerned with stealth?
Horell: Also, we are transporting an army...
Sasani: Circus.

Sasani: Can you make a hollow in "stone Horrell" and put "real Horell" inside.
Lonji: Can we turn this into pacific rim?
Horell: Im not saying thats a bad idea... just that its hilarious.
Alum: if I was in charge this would have been a kaiju movie a long time ago.

Alum: out of all the summoned creatures I can call, Scar is still the most powerful.
Sasani: When you summon him does he get the celestial template?

Lonji: Dont murder Horell. if anything, thats overplayed.

Horell: I know I said to the dude that we had a plan, but we really dont.
Lonji: We had an idea of a plan.
Scar: we have like 5% of a plan.

Lonji: We are a metaphorical heart attack.

Lonji: Im not guilty of any crime, Im just here to murder you.

----------


## LastCenturion

"They're elementals. Small for elementals, medium to large for a fish."
My character said this exact line no fewer than five times, to different people.

"This person claims to be a woman, which you've said trumps dignity. The broom closet is acceptable."

"Why are you telling me this? I'm a fisherman, not an adventurer."
"You're my best friend and I thought maybe you'd want to gossip? But fine, we can talk about something else. Who are the new guys?"

----------


## Diachronos

"Remember when I rolled PP?"

----------


## u-b

"Should I feel bad that we can use Justin's armoured courpse as an anchor to stop us going over the waterfall?"

----------


## Diachronos

"Well, he _is_ a dog, so he's chewing on a dragon."

"I hear you have a castle problem."

----------


## Foeofthelance

"If kissing a frog gets you a prince, does the frog kissing the tyrannosaurus get the paladin back?"

----------


## dunfluff

Asher everytime he opens a door: I am Asher Levan d'Erages of the church of Pharasma. I`M HERE TO GET MY PASSPORT STAMPED!

Asher: I have authority! I have poise! Im covered in goo!

GM: The furniture attacks you.
Tenka: Thats not a riddle! Thats not a riddle at all!

GM: what do you roll to identify booze?
Asher: I would guess Appraise, knowledge nobility or depending on the alcohol level, a fortitude save.

GM: The young magician has gotten into the spirit of the game. And judging by the smell, so has the cleric.

Tenka: so not just... material booze.

Ray: That's kind of my hole shtick. not being fun.

Ray: I can only be disappointed once per day.
GM: we all know that this is not true.

Tenka: There has to be at least 3 of them.
GM: well... youre not wrong.
Asher: oh dear. perception is not your highest skill, is it?

Asher: AH! FIRE!
Tenka: thats your answer to everything.
Asher: it has worked so far.

Asher: I cant get poisoned. Im protected by a layer of boils from wasp stings.

GM: And this is why you dont eat origami grasshoppers.

Tenka: if I cant see it it cant hurt us.

GM: Asher, you hear a "tink" as Tenka tries to stab you in the back.
Asher: what are you doing? youre not even that good with that thing.
Tenka: to be honest. that was really good for being me.
GM: he's right.

Asher: is it stealth or knowledge religon to find someplace to hide?

Asher: *praying* please hide us from maktena.
maktena: yes? hello?

Asher: We are in a house full of paper. I have so much fire.
Tenka: i have the wand of putting out fires.
Crow: im basically a wand of putting out fires.
Ray: I have a shovel.

Asher: my favorite enemy is paper.

GM: one of the peaches tries to eat you.
Ray: thats ok. Im impeachable.

Asher: oh god hes a were peach!

Ray: Of course, you would abandon us.
GM: yes. there is no way youre running away and letting the paladin see you like this.

Tenka: PESSIMISM FOR THE WIN.

GM: I SUGEST you turn around and leave.
Ray: yes. this is obviously a waste of time.
Tenka: I knew you would abandon us.
Ray: ...ouch.

Asher: Im slowly building up an immunity through exposure.

Asher: YYYEEEEEEEESSSSSS!
GM: the good part of this poison is that it requires 2 consecutive saves.
Asher: OH COME ON.

GM: Tenka, you now realize that the term flailing wildly would be a lot easier if you had a flail.

Asher: Im now immune to the poison. my blood is mostly poison anyway.

GM: your best sense was nonsense.

Tenka: Hello, I am Tenka Frostwolf from Rosslars coffer, we are here to get our passport stamped.

Asher: Wait... What? How? what? I dont understand!
GM: You are as confused as you can be without having the confused condition.

Tenka: It has no mouth, and you must scream?

GM: This thing has the most CN personality. like a cat.
Tenka: knocking people of shelves?
GM: Yes.

Ray: Either I hit or it sucks my brain out. Here goes nothing.
*Miss*
GM: And there goes nothing.

Asher: Shes trying to be friendly, I dont trust her for a second.

Asher: This thing seems to be running on some kind of magical energy.

GM: The paladin is currently practicing crouching moron hidden badass.

Crow: [GM], you told us to be creative with the tree feather token.
GM: This isnt creative so much as "am gona brake thing"

----------


## Diachronos

Robot dragon: (to PC who just arrived) "Hi, Ducky!" (to party's alchemist) "_You_ keep drinking, it's _important!_"

----------


## GravityEmblem

"Should I play his wife?"

----------


## Darth Paul

GM: "The analysis concludes that Ron has supernatural strength. He is a threat and must be eliminated. They concluded that Mark's character has some sort of electrical powers, and must be eliminated. As a shapechanger, Dan must be eliminated. And your character seems to have some ability to distract their minions so they all shot at you first, allowing your party to sneak in and get tactical surprise. You must be dissected to find out what this power is."

Me (playing the only mundane character in the party): _"DISSECTED?!!"_

----------


## Telok

"Is that a twelve foot tall were-treant with a laser cannon or are you just happy to see me?"

----------


## Calthropstu

"What's better than a +2 longsword?""
"+3 longsword"
...

----------


## KorvinStarmast

_Immediately after the party concludes a non-combat encounter with a young copper dragon, and the copper dragon is still there next to the party_ 
*Halfling paladin*: "I want to adopt the dragon." 
*Human bard*: "I guess you can try, but I don't think it will work." (tries to motion to the dragon who is, like, right there -->)  
*paladin*: "Why not?" (Genuine concern is present in the paladin's voice) 
*bard*: "That dragon's Int score is 16, and yours is 10.  I don't think that any amount of bardic inspiration is going to overcome that. Besides, to him, you are roughly an after-dinner-treat." 

=========================

_Party's fourth encounter of the day is against four owl bears.  Hard fight. Last encounter of the day_

*Barbarian*: "OK, let's set up camp. What's for dinner?"
_Party checks and nobody has rations. Nobody. _ 
*Wizard*: "How 'bout you go and forage some dinner?"
*Barbarian*: "How about you go (explicit sexual act)!" 
*Ranger*: "How about we cook and eat the owl bear?" 
_Party agrees. Food prep/cooking happens_
*Fighter* asks DM: "Does owl bear taste like chicken?" 
DM (rolls): "Nope. Tastes kinda gamey, actually."  
*Wizard* (casts prestidigitation): "Mine tastes like fried chicken. Yummy"
*Barbarian*: "Can you do that to mine?" 
*Wizard*: "How about you go (explicit sexual act)!"

----------


## Diachronos

"The sun is weed!"

----------


## Telok

"I cast Taunt."
"There's no taunt spell in this game."
"Friends."
"Oh. Oh, yeah. And you aren't a sorcerer so you can't hide it... I guess that works. He attacks you."

----------


## DeTess

"Well, I don't know how physics work!"
"Violently, in this case."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

From Wednesday night's session. 

"The cleric came near, reeking of beer, and proceeded to lie on the table"

Sung by the party bard.  And yes, the cleric was well into her cups.

----------


## Diachronos

"I karate chop it with the sun."

----------


## vasilidor

"If I do what I have originally planned, we will have a popsicle baby."

----------


## Telwar

"Where did you get that much alchemist's fire, CostCo?"

----------


## Diachronos

"It peels off like foil off of an Easter chocolate, but in this case the chocolate is monsters."

----------


## Phoenixguard09

Would you, by chance, happen to identify yourself as an adventurer of sorts?  Ailbhe, in a sidling sort of way.

Ah, a mercenary sure. Adventurer? Well, in a way, yes, I guess. Why? What do you see yourself as?  The traveller, a little taken aback.

A rogue, of the dashing variety.  Ailbhe, a note of pride creeping into her voice.

...

Im not just a girl, Im an adventurer! Now, Im asking you again, for the last time, who are you working for?  Ailbhe, proudly exclaiming as she jabs her captives neck with the point of her knife, keeping the mans body in between her and his ally as best she can.

...

Hey Michael, whats your star-sign? Youre not a Stallion are you?  Ailbhe, her reedy voice suddenly breaking the relative silence.

Uh, Dragain?  Michael, not entirely sure off the top of his head.

Aw yes! Nice, yeah, me too. How good is that?  Ailbhe, excitedly dropping the corpses legs and holding up one of her furry hands, palm extended towards the Highlander.

Um, yeah, sure?  Michael, stopping briefly, lowering the corpse to the ground and wiping his brow free of sweat with the back of his hand.
Ailbhe grabs Michaels other hand with her left and forces him to give her a hi-five.

Youve never seen that before? Im pretty sure its an adventurer thing. Its okay though, Im sure youll get the hang of it soon enough.  Ailbhe, cheerfully grabbing the corpses legs again and waiting for Michael to take up his load once more.

...

All from the first session of Seven Stones and a Pale Shadow, the new Norbayne campaign log I have begun posting here on GitP.

----------


## GravityEmblem

"So, you all sleep in the sarcophagi, with throw pillows."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

DM: "The fire giant failed his Wisdom saving throw - he's not a halfling!"  
Bard: "I could see that from over here"   

*Spoiler: why this mattered*
Show

The fire giant rolled a 1, which if it had been rolled by a halfling would allow for a re roll

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

> DM: "The fire giant failed his Wisdom saving throw - he's not a halfling!"  
> Bard: "I could see that from over here"   
> 
> *Spoiler: why this mattered*
> Show
> 
> The fire giant rolled a 1, which if it had been rolled by a halfling would allow for a re roll


*Spoiler: more context*
Show

And there had been several other halfling NPCs in that fight who _had_ rerolled 1s. As well as a halfling PC. My dice hate me, it seems.

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> *Spoiler: more context*
> Show
> 
> And there had been several other halfling NPCs in that fight who _had_ rerolled 1s. As well as a halfling PC. My dice hate me, it seems.


 *Spoiler: why we are doomed*
Show

Note to self: DM will have more halfling evil NPCs introduced into the campaign as a self defense measure against DM rolling 1s ...  :Small Eek:

----------


## braveheart

Is that written in gnoman numerals?

----------


## Phoenixguard09

Shadow. Dont worry, the knifes in this hand. Wait, what knife?  Shadow, offering his right hand to shake, as his left produces and then sheathes a dagger with a flourish.

* * *

Thats a weird looking dog.

* * *

Cant believe it, basically a tree climbing a tree. And she carried that thing up there too. Its practically the size of a horse.

* * *

Is that thats no dog  The newcomer, a little taken-aback by the creature. She had noticed it, briefly, earlier, but did not pay too much attention before.

Its a cow!  The still disembodied voice of Shadow.

* * *

I dont even know her. Who is she? Im Shadow. Whats with the big knife? Dont worry, the knifes in this hand. Wait, what knife?  Shadow, striding confidently towards the newcomer. 

* * *

Might be best to keep the trouser leg rolled up for a few hours, just to let it settle. Maybe stay off it for a little too, just let it heal a bit.  Marwolaeth, tying off the bandage.

So Ill need someone to carry me.  Shadow, nodding sagely.

No, no, no, you can still walk, just not with all that sass like you normally do.  Marwolaeth, putting her hands up.

Not my normal strut then. I see.  Shadow, with just the hint of a sardonic smile and his usual humour.

* * *

Marwolaeth, ah, selling more acid of the finest quality I see. Quite the effect you know, I used some just the other night and, well, it did the job very nicely. Little to no residue, only the faintest scent, well and truly worth the cost.

* * *

Just a little one. A little bit of poison. Like, one dose of poison.

* * *

Ah, sleeping draught. Or paralysis? What one would you like? Or perhaps you want sleeping and paralysis?

Thats a thing? 

* * *

_Draught of Living Death : )
Causes intense paralysis,
Effective for short period,
Possible side effects,
Dont use on self._

* * *

Id offer to make some for you too, but I dont know if I can go up to size twenty-six.

* * *

Where are you going?  The voice again, insistent. This time, Shadow sees the offender, a pitch-black raven sitting in a nest of sorts constructed upon a windowsill, tucked away in overgrown greenery.

Where are you going?  The raven asks again, its beady black eyes inspecting the man as it ***** its head to one side.

I thought you had a mammoth  Shadow, under his breath with a small grin. He leaves the Emporium, striding out into the midday sun.

Where are you going?  The raven calls after him once more.

----------


## DigoDragon

Heh, not walking with the sass. Such hardship. XD


Dirk: "Drex, is that you?!"
Sparks: "It's Sparks now. Drex was my slave name."
Dirk: "Wow, I haven't seen you since we were hatchlings back in the nest! How have you been?"
Sparks: "Oh, you know, surviving. Trying not to get stabbed by you."
Dirk: "I know, crazy times, right? Just like the old days."
Sparks: "So are you here because I still owe you money or is this business?"
Dirk: "Purely business. The clan needs to murder you and your adventuring party."
Sparks: "Ah... I guess that means drinks after work are out of the question?"
Dirk: "Sadly, I got a five o'clock raid party to attend. New caravan coming in from the north road. You know how it is."
Party warlock: "I'm sorry, but did this TPK get interrupted by a kobold reunion?"

----------


## GravityEmblem

"The giant is also wearing an "Orcs Are Stupid" T-shirt"

----------


## Telok

"No. I refuse. I have some morals. We've started wars, nuked and burned cities, released daemon lords, started a shadow apocalypse, sold bio-weapons of mass destruction to illithid, put holes in reality, given the Cocaine Wizard Guild a literal moon of warp stone, woken two threats to all life in the universe, and generally murdered and thieved our way across half the galaxy while avoiding all responsibility. But I have morals. I will not participate in saving a civilization that accidentally turned it's children into psychopathic super-soldiers."

"Next we capture a bunch of them and sell them to the highest bidder. But maybe don't take bids from the mind flayers this time, they got the last superweapon. The vampire council might pay more."

"Please tell me that's not a vampire mind flayer."

----------


## HalfTangible

GM: "She is the head of House Calida. Ambitious, industrious..."
P1: "... single?"
GM: "She is successfully married with several kids."
P1: "Any single daughters?"
GM: "Her kids are married, too. We're talking more GILF than MILF."
P2: "Still has ILF, though."

-

GM: "The entire room is splattered with blood and ransacked. [P2's aunt]'s corpse is lying right by the bed."
P3: "Whoah. What happened here?"

-

NPC admiral: Her too? Well. This whole assassination thing seems contagious, hahaha
P1 (deadpan): Very funny maam.
NPC: Dont walk into any dark bedrooms.
P1: "He actually snickers at that, because he thinks it's a sex joke."

-

NPCMonk: "Some of my students got into a doctrinal dispute with the Temple of Sacred Blood. They were heavily outnumbered, but held well; it was ultimately inconclusive."
GM: "P2, you know this is code for a martial arts brawl."
P2: "Like a New York gang war."

----------


## DigoDragon

*Sparks*: "We are all rested and rotisserie'd."

*GM*: "Do you have the 500gp for the alchemy lab?"
*Sparks*: "I have a portable bunsen and a single beaker."
*Peanut Gallery*: "Mi mi mii!"

*Voto*: "Is that all you saw in your vision?"
*Lily*: "That's all that was written on the index card the GM gave me."

*Beau*: "First, I walk up a tree."
*Voto*: "You see anything from up there?"
*_d20 rolls a 1_*
*Beau*: "Yeah, foliage."

*GM*: "It's a forest... and it has a name. It's called... Gump."

*Sparks*: "I will bravely climb up this tree and cower like a boss!"

*GM*: "Fletching grows out of its butt."
*Lily*: "There's no ointment for that."

*Corellon*: "I was only able to save the good part of your Half-elf."

*Hunter*: "We're taking the hides. We're not asking."
*Sparks*: "Fine. Just leave us the exp."

*Voto*: "This is Tab? I've tasted road tar better than this!"

*GM*: "The shoulder bag strap isn't adjustable, so the bag drags on the floor."
*Sparks*: "Damn... I guess one of you tall folk could carry this bag?"
*Voto*: *_ties a knot in the strap to shorten its length_*
*Sparks*: "INT 17 and I couldn't think of that?"

*Sparks*: "Laughing Out Loud Through... what's the H stand for?"
*Voto*: "That's not an acronym. That's Lolth."
*Sparks*: "Who is Lolth?"
*Voto*: "You seen a spider right? Imagine one the size of your mom with the anger to eat everyone out of sheer spite."
*Sparks*: "So... I should lose the book."
*Voto*: "Burn the book."

*Lily*: "Who here has rope? I got 50 feet."
*Voto*: "I got 50 feet of rope."
*Sparks*: "I got... 50 feet of sarcasm."

*Lily*: "Not as clumsy or uncivilized as a crossbow."

*Trace*: "What are you?"
*Sparks*: "I'm a wizard."
*Trace*: "Hedge?"
*Sparks*: "No, just a kobold."

----------


## HalfTangible

"You successfully negotiate the sales with the farm MILFs."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

DM: "You all have become pretty famous, so your adventuring party now has groupies" 
*Spoiler: Party Responds*
Show


- Bard: "Heck yeah!"  :Small Smile: 
--Paladin(Halfling): "They'll all be taller than me!"  :Small Frown:  
---Sorc/Lock: "Hmm, not sure how I'm going to handle that"  :Small Confused: 
----Bladelock: "That's the last thing I need; I'll go bury my nose in a book"  :Small Yuk:

----------


## braveheart

If you multiply elegance by age, you are so far behind her.

----------


## GravityEmblem

"First, I need you to tell them I'm _not_ selling myself into slavery, that was a misunderstanding."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

Ancient black dragon, addressing the party,
"All I want is peace"  
*Spoiler: possible reason for this statement*
Show

all of whom had just made a DC 20 save against his 7th level spell*Spoiler: what the party suspects it was*
Show

plane shift: 



*Spoiler: with 3 understandable reactions being ...* 
Show

The next sound heard in that cavern was the eyes of the bard, paladin, and warlock rolling so hard it caused echoes.  Apparently, the sorcerer bought it.

----------


## Calthropstu

> Ancient black dragon, addressing the party,
> "All I want is peace"  
> *Spoiler: possible reason for this statement*
> Show
> 
> all of whom had just made a DC 20 save against his 7th level spell*Spoiler: what the party suspects it was*
> Show
> 
> plane shift: 
> ...


Hey, planeshift in and of itself is not overly hostile. It is a very strong "Go away." Now if the tuning fork he used was attuned to the negative energy plane or the abyss, then definitely. (A lot of gms forget that unless it's a spell-like ability it needs a tuning fork attuned to a specific plane)

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> Hey, planeshift in and of itself is not overly hostile. It is a very strong "Go away." Now if the tuning fork he used was attuned to the negative energy plane or the abyss, then definitely. (A lot of gms forget that unless it's a spell-like ability it needs a tuning fork attuned to a specific plane)


 *Spoiler: The hostility of plane shift*
Show

Given that we all saved, we have no idea where he intended to send us. But a plane shift of a creature against their will?  And they have to find their own way back to their regular plane? Yes, that's hostile.

*Spoiler: Our GM is attuned to the requirements - but see dragons as innate casters*
Show

 


> (A lot of gms forget that unless it's a spell-like ability it needs a tuning fork attuned to a specific plane)


- I am pretty sure an _innate caster_ doesn't have that problem in D&D 5e

----------


## DigoDragon

> *Spoiler: Party Responds*
> Show
> 
> -Paladin(Halfling): "They'll all be taller than me!"


Hey, don't judge them until you see 'em first. Could be some cute tall ones. ;)

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> Hey, don't judge them until you see 'em first. Could be some cute tall ones. ;)


 The number of witty responses to that as regards the interface of halfling height and cute tall ones will remain uncounted, and un - recounted, here.  :Small Big Grin:

----------


## DigoDragon

> The number of witty responses to that as regards the interface of halfling height and cute tall ones will remain uncounted, and un - recounted, here.


Just as planned. XD

Anyway, some new quotes--


*Lily*: "We're the Volt Orb of self-help."

*Sparks*: "This reminds me of a book I once read the first six pages of, before my clan burned it to cook dinner."
*Beau*: "What are you doing smoking a camel?"

*Sparks*: "I'm pretty sure trap doors don't grow naturally in the woods."

*Voto*: "Strength check of 23. I pull up the halfling and the door he's holding onto."

*Beau*: "I walk down the shaft."
*GM*: "I will need a climbing check."
*Beau*: "Don't have to."
*GM*: "Why?"
*Sparks*: "He has Spider Climb."
*GM*: "Oh right, because you love to thwart all my traps."
*Beau*: "So as I was saying, I walk down the shaft..."

*GM*: "A torch is 20 feet. Sunrod is 60. Hooded lantern is... 30."
*Voto*: "Flame Strike is all of it."
*Sparks*: "Sure, but only for an instant."

*GM*: "What watches do we set up?"
*Sparks*: "A Casio."

*Beau*: "He's building the booster that the starship sits on. It's effing huge."
*GM*: "If that fails spectacularly, Texas won't be surviving."
*Sparks*: "It won't be missed."

*Sparks*: "That's my secret, Captain. I'm always in danger."

*Sparks*: "Do I know you? Or owe you money?"

*Beau*: "They don't expect a halfling to be standing in the upper half."

*Voto*: "I cut the goblin into two complete strangers."

*Lily*: "Yeah! I crit the goblin!"
*Beau*: "That's great kid, don't get cocky!"

*Sparks*: "Voto? I found a book bound in human skin. Is that a bad thing?"

*Voto*: "I pry open the desk."
*GM*: "You break it open, but a dart trap hits you for 1 point of damage."
*Voto*: "I punch it for three."
*Lily*: "Are you okay?"
*Voto*: "Yeah. You gotta be tough to be dumb."

----------


## Eldan

From a boss fight last week:

"How about instead of summoning Dionysos to become a party venue, you instead become a hotel that fights capitalism?"

----------


## KorvinStarmast

"I see that I am surrounded. {casts polymorph} I am now a T-Rex. Did I step on anyone?"

----------


## HalfTangible

Paladin: "Glad that the group didn't have to be joined by a rogue at the next tavern who had a strange obsessive hatred for blue-skinned people specifically named "[P2's character]"."

----------


## Hagashager

Runer:  It's not a virus it's a parasite.
Ratface: so...then it's a living, sentient creature?
Runer:  Fiirx the Livereater?  Yeah, he's a bad hombre, real evil.
Ratface:  My sword can only hurt evil creatures.
Runer: Yep.
Ratface:  Alright, hold callus down everyone...I'm gonna make an incision.  Callus, this wont a bit, I promise!
Me (GM): OH, THAT'S BULL****!

Ratface:  Roight, ye gonna put the alcohol on yer knackers then ye gonna shave yer pubes wit' 'is.  *hands a razor blade*
Callus (male PC being played by a Female player.):  Wait...I don't know what exactly I'm looking for.  Where're the Crabs gonna be?
Ratface:...you...you've never cleaned your groin? 
Callus (out-of-character):  Obviously yes, but I don't know what Callus's gnards look like!
Ratface (still in-character):  You've never cleaned your groin?

----------


## Necroticplague

GM: And...your munchkinry appears to have reinvented paradoxical undressing.

----------


## Wizard_Lizard

DM: "You see basically thousands and thousands of corpses stretching out into the ocean."
Me (Locathah Necromancer): "I think I'm in heaven."

----------


## Taevyr

*Wild magic sorcerer wild-magics a bunch of Flumphs while on a falling airship*

Sorcerer: "Oh, hi Bert"
Me: "...I know I shouldn't be surprised, but you _know_ these things that just popped up out of thin air?
Sorcerer: "Yeah, this is Bert, and that one's Donnie! They pop up randomly every once in a while, fun to have a quick drink with"



DM: "So, once you've exited the wagon and rubbed the flash out of your eyes, you see Rack floating 20 feet up in the air, still glowing, and panically casting magical darts as the (NPC) rangers fire arrows at him"
Me: "...I'm gonna need a moment to process this. I'll pass this round"
Liathiel: "Yeah, this is just a bit much to deal with immediately"
Esme: "Same"
Rack: "GUYS, I'M DYING UP HERE"

----------


## KorvinStarmast

'No hurry, guys - these three yuan ti are turning your bard {me} into chutney'   :Small Eek:

----------


## Wizard_Lizard

Me (necromancer): I polymorph into a whale, I want to eat these fish-piranha things!!
Turns go past, all of the things are now dead.
Me (necromancer): I attack the shipwreck then I guess... (dice rolling).. for 87 damage... danggg.

----------


## DigoDragon

*Sylvie*: "That depends if you see the elf as half-full or half-empty."

*GM*: "When she finishes, the room is so quiet you can hear a pin drop."
*Sparks*: (_looking up from sewing a patch onto his sleeve_) "What?"

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

(lightly paraphrased because I can't remember the exact wording. But it happened several times.)

Inn-keeper: Now remember, we don't want any trouble here. It's a peaceful city.
Party (collectively, in unison): Don't say that. You've doomed us all

-----Later-----

NPC: The venting ritual is completely safe. Nothing to worry about at all.
Party (collectively, in unison): STOP SAYING THAT!

----------


## Calthropstu

GM: Your body is fully cybernetic.
Player1: I activate my cybernetic penis.
Player2: All 3 inches of it.

----------


## Taevyr

"Congratulations, you somehow managed to earn 5gp selling mayonnaise at the inn"

----------


## Calthropstu

GM:
I have perused both 3.5 and pathfinder monster and spell lists. I am 100% certain there is not a wall of boners.

----------


## Necroticplague

"I'm pretty sure the amnesiacs you gave me aren't working: I remember this speech, and it's just as boring the 4th time. Can I get back to my cell?"

----------


## Amidus Drexel

Douglas: "Tell him that Douglas has sent you! ...as long as you've killed him."

"Your mother was a microwave and your father smelled of cheap burritos."
"God bless you, taquito-san."

"Hand over the head and nobody dies!"

Hag: "Tit for tat, I suppose."
Paladin: "I'm not looking for either!"

"Is this gonna hurt?"
"It'll tingle, yeah."

"These corpses were desecrated when we got here."

"Seems like you're having a mid-ladder crisis."

"it's made of... laddermantium."

"I am the axe-pert."

"Let's get the **** up this elevator and go down that ladder."

"Oh my god, you can't just ask why someone is undead."

"Crack skulls and take ears, that's our motto."

"We come bearing gifts - how about a nice game of cornhole?"

"I'm an elf, all we do is humble-brag"

"it's a free action to high-five in this campaign"

----------


## dunfluff

Lonji: The world works in mysterious ways to make things more convenient for me. 


Lonji: I keep forgetting I cant speak underwater 


Horell: I made a goo-team. 
GM: Yes, they are all as slimy as dragons. 


Lonji: I hit myself, I parry myself, I riposte myself. 


Lonji: I have a scroll of explosive runes. Look at it! 


Tenka: on the other hand, you probably SHOULD boobytrap graveyards. Because you don't want dead people walking out of them. 


Lonji: so, the water is having a moral crisis? 


Alum: Don't do it until I can figure out if it will kill you. Death is annoying. 


Lonji: did you fart? it looked like you were concentrating really really hard and then there was a fart. 


GM: A portal opens behind you... *Rolls* ...and the immediately closes. 
Lonji: Did he summon invisible monsters? 
Alum: Either that or it was a parallel universe farting. 


Sasani: so... you're aiming for a career as an aquarium-decoration? 


Horell: well... ok... I suddenly regret all of my actions. 


Lonji OOC: Thats why yogsototh hasn´t been able to swallow the world. The planet is desperately grappling everything on it. Thats what gravity is. 


Lonji: yes. stab him for safety. safetystab. 


Lonji: it's not much but it might keep you alive, I'm not asking for miracles, except I am using cleric spells. So, I literally am. 


NPC: it's not easy watching your friends die. 
Alum: no, it's not. I HAVE TO FIX THAT. 
NPC: I remember when I died. 
Alum: So do I. 


SWORD: Get me closer. I want to cut them with my me. 


Scar OOC: Scar is an excellent ventrilll... ventro... Scar speak good. 


Scar: Horell is basically an expert at dying. Death is basically just standing and watching with a clip-card. 
Horell: only 2 more times and I get a free coffee. 


Lonji: I think I take more from her side. 
Alum: look. Hats are not an inherited trait. 


Scar: I'm just gona say this once. Clinch. Clinch hard.

----------


## KorvinStarmast

Paladin, as he swings his sword; "Guys, didn't _anyone_ but me save?"  

*Spoiler: What prompted the question*
Show

Six berserkers form the Horn of Valhalla and the entire rest of the party had all missed their DC 14 Wis save versus the Eidolon

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

Quotes of the night:

DM: have you ever seen a turtle vomit? Now you have...rolls an attack roll... Right in Zeke's face.

DM: dragon bureaucracy is a force to be reckoned with.

----------


## KorvinStarmast

A few quotes:  

"You may not know me, that's why I carry Dragon Express"

Bard: "I am all about shameless self promotion. _Shameless Self Promotions_ is the name of my LLC" 

Bladelock: "Ritual master Jes Sun has it all well in hand. Ten houses? Wait, Ninjas!" 

Bard to DM: "Did you say the Eldest's lair, or the Elvis Layer?"

"It's totally Safe ... OSHA would of course approve" 

_In the days that come there will be a deliverance by fire and blood_ - dwarvish prophesy
Sorcerer: "Cher is our friend" 

Circle with 9 arrows facing out, tattoo on cultist

Zeke: "Prismatic Spray?" {voice rising?}  
Paladin: "Zeke, please get out of the way!"
Bladelock: "If she's gonna cast Prismatic Spray, I'll go and get some food. This may take a while"

----------


## GravityEmblem

"The moose has started a concert."

----------


## HalfTangible

Player: "[describing how he seduces a noblewoman for a minute and a half]"
DM (interrupts): "Look, you get a +8, just shut up already..."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

DM: This zombie looks like it is very dead

----------


## WindStruck

"HkgIufm! ArGhargh! KiNg!"

----------


## DigoDragon

*Beau*: "Remind me of what plot items we found in that cave?"
*GM*: "Two ledgers. One was the sales of stolen goods, and the other-"
*Sylvie*: "Was Heath."

*Sylvie*: "This is Denise."
*Beau*: "And the boy?"
*Sylvia*: "Denephew."

*Sparks*: "Hey, look at this new spell I learned!"
*Sparks*: *_dives off the balcony, slams into the table below, flipping the table and launching the mugs of ale through the glass window, showering ale at a passing horse who gets spooked and runs, smashing over a produce cart_*
*Farmer*: "My cabbages!"
*Sylvie*: "You do know that this part of town is under an anti-magic ward, right?"
*Sparks*: "I. Am. Now. Aware."

*Sylvie*: "It turns out there's a twist in our quest."
*City guard*: "A twist? Who staged this, Shyamalan?"
*Sylvie*: "It was a good twist."
*Sparks*: "So no."

*Duchess*: "Does this Displacer Beast cloak make my butt look displaced?"

*Sparks*: "He has a B.A. in Battle Administration."

*Donkey*: "And in the morning, I'm making waffles."

*Hobgoblin*: "That's my Geas and I'm sticking to it."

*GM*: "Night falls, take 1d4 damage."
*Beau*: (*_uses online roller_*) "Wait, a 27?!"

*Lily*: *_Sets up a booth at the edge of town_*
Cure light wounds: $25Cure light herpes: $250Cure light harpies: $2500

*Sparks*: "I've never been in a ship before."
*Slyvie*: "The fandom will fix that, don't worry."

*Sparks*: "Just looking at the boat bobbing in the water makes me feel ill."
*Sylvie*: "Then you're going to LOVE the next 5 weeks."
*Sparks*: "I'm going to ask the sailors around in the tavern for advice on surviving this voyage."
*GM*: "The sailors tell you various (and sometimes conflicting) tales, tips, and rumors on sea survival. Most of it is so superstitious that it's like taking a -2 penalty to your check."

*Sparks*: "Everything is bad luck! Women on ships is bad luck, knowing how to swim is bad luck, 17 out of 18 cloud types are bad luck..."
*Lily*: "You may want to find some remedies for seasickness."
*Sparks*: "Like don't be on a ship?"

----------


## Telok

"It's quiet... Too quiet."
"Bunny slipper attack! Rawr!"
"Aieeeeee!"

----------


## DwarfFighter

GM (Troll):  "Salutations, adventurous persons. If you are of an inclination to traverse this structure, you must disburse payment to my own self."

Fighter: What now?

GM: Trolls speak Giant. They only use big words.

----------


## Corey

I return after a few days just to find I'm being used as a Goodyear blimp.

----------


## HalfTangible

>First round
DM: "Okay, Bloodrager, your turn."
Bloodrager: "I crit... and do 102 damage!"
DM: "I'm going to take a screenshot of this... just so you understand why I'm so friggen pissed right now"
>Boss had 102HP

----------


## GravityEmblem

I will leave this here.

----------


## DigoDragon

> GM: Trolls speak Giant. They only use big words.


I laughed a bit too loudly here.  :Small Big Grin: 


*Sylvie* (*_draws her sword_*): "I didn't get a harrumph out of you."
*The Party*: *_surrounds the sus senator, draws weapons_*

*Lily*: "Anything you say can and will be used against you in the church of law. If you do not have a deity to defend you, one will be assigned to you by the state-sanctioned pantheon."

*GM*: "You find a finger, encased in crystal. And no, not the Dark Crystal."
*The Party* (_Skeksis  voices_) "MMmmmMMmmm!!"

*GM*: "I'm trying to think of the word... it's when you compare two people-"
*Sparks*: "A comparison?"

*Sylvie*: *_throws Sparks into a large trunk_*
*Sparks*: "Ack! Airholes!"
*Sylvie*: *_draws sword and stabs the trunk_*

*Lily*: "You're within earsight."

----------


## HalfTangible

P1: "Don't you have to say it in rhyme?"
DM: "I'm not a gnome right now, go **** yourself."

----------


## Ralanr

"We need a crew name. Every good pirate crew has a fearsome name."

"How about Amber Alert?"

----------


## DigoDragon

> "How about Amber Alert?"


Oh, that's not the direction you want to go. XD


*Lily*: "It was an island in the Caribbean, but I forgot the name."
*Sylvie*: "Well let's throw out some names; Haiti? Cuba?"
*Sparks*: "Key Largo, Montego, oh I want to take you, to Bermuda, Bahamas, come on pretty mama..."

*Sparks*: *_mimes using a spyglass_*
*GM*: "Do you have a spyglass?"
*Sparks*: "No, I'm just standing on the bow doing this." *_mimes using a spyglass_*

*First Officer*: "Dive! dive! All dive!"
*Beau*: "This is not that kind of ship!"

*Sparks*: "Ground! solid ground!" (_*kiss*_) "Blech! Ptooie! Sand! Awful beach sand!"

*Beau*: "Move my miniature up 20 feet."
*Sparks*: "5 10 15 20 25 30 35 40 45 50 Stop!"
*GM*: "??"
*Sparks*: "Apples peaches pumpkin pie, if you're not ready, holler aye!"

*Sally*: "Sing sing sing to give a Sneak bonus!"

*Sparks*: "I step to the side because I'm cowardly brave."

*GM*: "You find inside that barrel are jars of honey."
*Sparks*: "Honey! Do do doot do doot do-"
*The Party*: "Aw sugar, sugar! Do do doot do doot do!"

*Beau*: "What's in this box?"
*GM*: "You find salted and dried meat, but it looks and smells unusual. Make a Knowledge Nature check."
*Beau*: *_rolls a 17_*
*GM*: "This jerky is dried Merfolk."
*Beau*: "Ewww..."
*Sparks*: "Ah, the other white meat."

*Sparks*: "I cast Resistance."
*Beau*: "OHMmmm..."

*Beau*: "I cast Eldritch Blast at the chest lock."
*GM*: "Your blast gets within inches on the lock and... stops. It stays held here."
*Sylvie*: "Kylo Ren is in there."
*GM*: "The spell is absorbed, and you think the chest got just a tiny bit bigger."
*Sylvie*: "Kylo Ren's ego is in there."

----------


## Rater202

"Don't woo-wey, Senko-tan. Menko onee-sama will pwotec you until you're big again."

"...You know that this is only skin deep, right? This goes away the second I reabsorb that blob of flesh."

"Please let me have this."

----------


## Amidus Drexel

"What's the point in trapping office supplies?"

*DM*: "You're not sure if it's the lack of duck sausage, but he's hard to keep on your shoulders. Maybe he's too sweaty."
*Paladin*: "This is why I wear armor."
*Monk*: "I like my robes; they double as pajamas."

*Assassin*: "Are the ropes taut?"
*Monk*: "But who is the teacher?"

*DM*: "<paladin> make your 'disarm desk' roll."
*Paladin*: "Oooooone axe attack!"

*DM*: "He has a box with his earthly possessions."
*Monk*: "That means his underwear!"

*Monk*: "Please keep the fire away from any forbidden books you find."

--
*Warlock*: "Is it the gnome from the magic shop?"
*DM*: "It might be."
*Warlock*: "We're leaving him here."

*Ranger:* *knocks on door* "Hello fellow youths."
*Warlock:* "I am also a child."

*Warlock*: "I'm not responsible if they have weapons and something happens."
*Assassin*: "You could've stopped at 'responsible'."

*Warlock*: "Is it _really_ killing a kid if you're also a kid?"
*DM*: "...yes."

*Ranger*: *natural 3*
*DM*: "You're _absolutely certain_ that this door is trapped."

*Warlock*: "Well, we can burn the door, blow it down, or break through and kill everyone."
*Ranger*: "Oh, well, we wouldn't want to burn it or blow it down."
*Warlock*: "Think of the property damage!"

*Ranger*: "It's like ripping off the bandage from the wound."
*Warlock*: "3, 2, rock, paper, scissors!"
*Both, simultaneously*: "Rock!"
*DM*: "Okay, do it again."
*Both, simultaneously*: "Rock!"
*DM*: "Alright, both of you roll a d20."

*Ranger*: "I'm gonna roll in the door with like, a bandolier of sausage."

*Assassin*: "The warmer they are, the less guilty you feel about stealing their stuff."
*Warlock*: "If you set them on fire, they're always warm!"

*Warlock*: "I'd feel bad if I killed more parents."
*Assassin*: "I wouldn't."
*Warlock*: "Okay, I wouldn't either. I'm just saying that to make the bard feel better."

*Assassin*: "It's nice for the arson to be intentional for once."

----------


## DigoDragon

*Sparks*: "It appears the pier appeared through peer pressure."

*GM*: "Fine, so his hair clenches."

*GM*: "The _City of Brass_ is run by evil genies."
*Sparks*: "Demand Ifrit and fair elections!"

*Beau*: "A pity that the door couldn't open the chest."

*GM*: "Beau, are you up in the crow's nest?"
*Beau*: "I am, yes."
*GM*: "Make a Spot check."
*Beau*: "That won't end well."
*Sylvie*: "Then why are you up there?"
*d20 roll*: *1*
*Sylvie*: "WHY ARE YOU UP THERE?"

*Beau*: "Can we sail around the water spout without, like, sailing too far out?"
*Captain*: "So get close, but not too close?"
*Beau*: "Yeah, no... I don't know, sail casual."

*Captain*: "How close should we get?"
*Sylvie*: "Keep going until you hear screaming."

*GM*: "It's a large, baggy ball made of what feels like silk and scaly leather."
*Sparks*: "...mom?"

*Sparks*: "I think I found Mordenkainen's beanbag chair."

*Cloud Giant*: "I have a few open spots that the prisoner could fill."
*Sparks*: "Uh, phrasing!"

*Sparks*: "He asked us to come back when we're tastier... oh wait, wrong translation. Come back when we're more experienced."

----------


## Coventry

> *Sparks*: "He asked us to come back when we're tastier... oh wait, wrong translation. Come back when we're more experienced."


No .... I'm pretty sure the first translation was the correct one ...

----------


## Leon

Sorcerer: Do you have the Heart
NPC: What Heart?
Sorcerer: Err, the Jar. The jar i gave you

----------


## AdmiralCheez

"I'm guessing you've never encountered the murderous robots before."
"I'm an octopus with a TV show, what do you think?"

----------


## HalfTangible

>2 hours into a 3 hour session
DM: "... Wait. You're naked?"

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

From last night:

Bard: I went from slut to dignitary over the course of an evening.
DM (to player, OOC): This is the only one who is fighting, that one is a turtle.
Warlock/Fighter: I get my sword out just in case the turtle gets aggressive.

----------


## HalfTangible

Not quite a quote, but:

My paladin is fighting side-by-side with a succubus. No, he is not about to fall; I checked to make sure.

----------


## Necroticplague

So, long story short, I managed to ingratiate myself as a nigh-messianic figure by creating the most over-the-top pimp hat my mind could conjure.

----------


## TheTeaMustFlow

(Party comes into dark room full of weapons)
*Lobachevsky*: I feel like Im back in Russia already.
*Kindly old woman* appearing from behind a stack of grenades: Hello dearies, what can I get for you?
*Lobachevsky*: See? Babushka.

*Armitage*: That encounter perfectly showcases what our characters will be doing in the campaign  Ill be shooting things, Raj will be telling me what to shoot, Lobachevsky will be dealing with the things I cant shoot, and the Doc wont be there half the time!

----------


## HalfTangible

Ledaal Zealot wife: "Every three anathema [that you kill] you get a 'adventure' pass where I'll agree to do one thing you suggest. Threesome being an example"
Player (OOC): "The anathema shall quake in fear, knowing that [Fire Aspect Playboy's] lust is coming for them!!"
LZW (OOC): "Ha. "SHE SAID SHE'D WEAR THE MAID OUTFIT IF I TOOK YOU *******S DOWN"!"

-

"[we're dynasts,] we have servants for this!! Give her to the nurse before you do some real damage!"
"... But I always wanted to hold my kids... be there for them, ya know?"
"And that's very sweet but _you're holding her upside down!"_

-

Cynis player: "Yes, it was fun even if the relationship had little drama."
Peleps player: "Surpisingly, sometimes two characters are banging because they like each other."
C: "The horror."

----------


## Reathin

DM: "As Saber unleashes his Noble Phantasm, you find that there is no point in space inside the circus tent that is not presently also a sword"

DM: "Your train plows threw the no-longer-too-narrow ally behind the farmer's market, through the portal, and the front end smacks the Kraken head on."

DM: "As you stab Helen of Troy with the the Spear of Longinus, something strange happens..."

----------


## DigoDragon

*Beau*: "I am looking for... what am I looking for?"
*Sparks*: "A way out?"
*Beau*: "I have to get out of here first."

*GM*: "Well that'll make an English professor throw themselves off a roof."

*GM*: "Roll Performance."
*Sally*: (*_rolls a 1_*) "Baby Shark, doot do doot doot."

*Sally*: "So how is it?"
*Sparks*: "Like a salad stuffed into a water balloon."

*Beau*: "My problem is dealing with the Impetus from a sudden stop."
*Sylvie*: "There's a pill for that."

*GM*: "You have two nights covered at the INN, courtesy of the King's Hand."
*Sparks*: "Where's the rest of the king?"

*Beau*: "Stupid question."
*The King's Hand*: "No such thing."
*Beau*: "How many licks did it take you to get to the center of that Tootsie pop?"
*The King's Hand*: "One such thing."

*Lily*: "I was a half-elf, yes, but I was resurrected as a full elf."
*Beau*: "He needed all the elf she could get."

----------


## Sharur

"Tasha, you maleficent bitch, _I've read your book_! Now, shut up!" (cast's silence)

----------


## Corey

"With your skills and luck, you note that the scrolls and potions are labelled."

----------


## Milodiah

"Look, I said that not everyone _needs_ a Necklace of Fireballs. I didn't say that people don't have a Constitutional right to own a Necklace of Fireballs."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

From a few weeks back ... speaking of necklace of fireballs ...

* P1 "Before you toss that bead from the necklace, know that my scorched backside will skewer you as soon as this battle is over" 
** P2 "And I'll hold you down while he hits you"

----------


## SMWallace

From a Dragon Ball campaign I'm in:

*Harp*: "Why would any boy have a crush on me? People have crushes on people they think are cute. I'm a weird hairless demon monster with antennae and exposed muscles. I'm basically a pair of horns away from being an amalgamation of human nightmares."
*Idna*: "You still haven't found the Internet, huh?"

*Harp*: "Okay, Mun Yun, you watch the kids, make sure they stay safe. Idna, you watch Mun Yun, make sure he stays safe."
*Mun Yun*: "Alri- hey wait a minute!"

*Harp*: "Do your best at carpentry, Mun Yun! When I'm rich and famous, you can build my retirement mansion!"

*Harp*: "Boys can like boys!? This explains everything! You two must like each other! That's why you act so weird and passive-aggressive when we all hang out - I'm getting in the way of you two spending time together! I'm so sorry!"
*Ulu and Eriac, both with very obvious crushes on Harp*: _bewildered sputtering_
*Idna*: "I thought you were the _observant_ one."

*Harp*: "Will you be my daddy?"
*Master Lo Rao*: _horrified_ "Where did you get such ideas!?"
*Harp*: _devastated_ "I understand... I can't imagine you'd want to adopt me after what my Mom did..." _leaves_
*Lo Rao*: "Adopt? Oh, crap. Harp, wait!"

*Harp*: "Can you tell me more stories, Papa?"
*Lo Rao*: "Honestly most of them have the same structure. Somebody does something dumb, and everyone dies at the end."
*Harp*: "Except you!"
*Lo Rao*: "... Yeah."

----------


## ShadowFighter15

It's rare I have something to contribute, purely due to my inability to find a campaign, but here's one from a now-dead Exalted campaign.

Princess Cao Lai: "I've as much desire to get the Mask of Winters involved in this as I do slathering myself in sauce and presenting myself to the nearest hungry Tyrant Lizard."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> Princess Cao Lai: "I've as much desire to get the Mask of Winters involved in this as I do slathering myself in sauce and presenting myself to the nearest hungry Tyrant Lizard."


 Sounds like a fun date, potentially.  :Small Cool:

----------


## ShadowFighter15

> Sounds like a fun date, potentially.


I mean it would've been the setup for a _perfect_ callback if, later in the campaign, her Lunar Mate had turned out to be one with a Tyrant Lizard for their spirit shape.  Or the Storyteller threw a regular Tyrant Lizard at us.

*Spoiler: For those who don't know what Exalted's Tyrant Lizards are:*
Show

Think an especially-large T-Rex and you're most of the way there.

----------


## LecternOfJasper

"Ooh, check this out. I'm gonna give up my ability to see walls."

----------


## Milodiah

> "Ooh, check this out. I'm gonna give up my ability to see walls."


"I've got a racial trait that lets me see around corners. And I also have this big ass gun that can blast through pretty much anything. I call myself 'Hypotenuse Man'."

----------


## LecternOfJasper

> "I've got a racial trait that lets me see around corners. And I also have this big ass gun that can blast through pretty much anything. I call myself 'Hypotenuse Man'."


Hey, that's pretty good! If only the monk had something like that, but alas, many a nose shall be broken.

----------


## NRSASD

"Tell us about your innards!"


"For now, the babies will live."


Motto of the Anti-Post Office: "Rain or Shine, we will stop them."


"Hi, I'm... Clive."
"Insight, 17!"
"He's not Clive."

----------


## Diachronos

Rogue: -trying to stab between Bard's legs- Nat 1!
Bard: Ya gonna eat a coin for that roll?
Rogue: I don't have any left! You should've resisted me!

"The way I run prestidigitation is that the caster can roll to target where the dirt goes."
"Put it back in him!"

"You guys are gambling with the fabric reality. Over _pie_."

"Oh my god, it's a Rogue that Rogues!"

"Depends on where the cream is coming from and how hard you're whipping it."

"You ate her pie. That's on you."

"That's what I'm gonna do. I don't have any weapons so I'm gonna eat the pies."

DM: You get an ominous feeling that someone, somewhere, hates you.
Rogue: No, that's everyone.

"No! I'm eating them in _your_ body!"

DM: Just before your souls switch bodies, you vomit up all the pie. It kinda coalesces, almost like it's sentient, and jist dives into a sewer grate.
Necromancer: *head in hands* Not _this_ again...

"I _paid_ people to fight pies."

----------


## Ferreon

Have some quotes, with the absolute minimum of context


DM: "Well, that guy looks like he has had significantly better days."
Druid: "He probably has, I mean how good a day would you be having if a leopard bounced up onto a balcony, growled and then four stars slapped you in the face?!"



"No it can roar, it doesn't have muscles either but it can still move, if whatever magic is animating it can allow it to move it can allow it to roar too. It's already got tiny ass arms, don't take away it's roar too!"


"It's not quite as rudely interrupted as smashing into a Space Hulk."


"It's like condom theory, but with added angry badger"


Imperial Guard officer: "The Lord Commander was shot at from an elevated position."
Owain: "Yilani, was it you?"
Yilani "Don't be stupid, I don't miss"
*confused Imperial Guard officer*


"It's got a hole, it's got tentacles, what more could a dwarf ask for?" "The dwarf is still on his leash, right?"


"I am indeed going back to fisting this Great Unclean One" 


"WE ARE NOT playing volleyball with a Nemesis Dreadknight" 
"Not with that attitude we're not!"


"I slap him, I fix him up whilst muttering that Sanguinius would be ashamed of this, then I slap him again"

----------


## SunsetWaraxe

"Badgers are people!"

----------


## Milodiah

"I s**t you not, at character creation I was torn between alcoholism or a phobia of bees as my last negative quality. I'm glad to see alcoholism was once again the right choice."

----------


## DigoDragon

*Sparks*: "Did the pirate ship really need ground effects?"

*GM*: "The ballista has been mounted to the front of the ship."
*Beau*: "It's a prow moment."

*Sparks*: "That's why it's not called a 'Susan Screw-it I'll Find It Later Sachel'."

*LGM*: "The couatl has chosen!"

*Sparks*: "Oh, it's New Bond Plus. Gold Bond."
*Lily*: "It isn't foot powder."

*GM*: "He looks like a Klingon who was told to hold fire."

*Lily*: "The dragon! She's gone from suck to blow!"

----------


## Diachronos

"Without the pies, we had no way to save you from the pie."

"Why does the pie have darkvision?!"

"If I eat Tim, does that give me a pie roll?"

"God dammit Frank, you ate the pie, didn't you?"

"Can the pie eat pie?"
"Yes, you can pi square it."

"I only have one more HP than the pies?!"

----------


## Telok

"If we reincarnate him as a badger he'll be a better fighter and less of a liability in social stuff."

"We'll have the wildmage read the scroll. He's got the rerolls and force max result things for random effects."

"Lets end the session here. I have to dig through the monster books to find something suitably weird to reincarnate him as."

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

Paraphrased lightly:

(Paladin): I run in, taunt the boingies so they'll chase me, and then run out.

Proteans (mutation based character): make sure you stand aside so I don't spit acid all over you.

All: make sure to shoot the chest first

Proteans, OOC: there's a lot of fun in getting hurt sometimes.

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*I feel like Vampires are not good for our health**Spoiler: how did this come up in conversation?*
Show


Yes, we are playing in Curse of Strahd, and the sorcerer said that

----------


## Joe the Rat

"How do I non-lethally shoot someone in the head?"

----------


## HalfTangible

> "How do I non-lethally shoot someone in the head?"


By being a terrible shot

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> By being a terrible shot


 Or a really, really good shot.  :Small Wink:  (It's just a flesh wound, or, William Tell caliber of accuracy and precision)

----------


## DigoDragon

*GM*: "A lightning bolt comes down on-"
*Lily*: "Let me guess; me again?"
*GM*: "No, it hits Crit this time."
*Lily*: "Why Crit?"
*GM*: "He's a big hobgob with a two-handed choppy-chop."
*Lily*: "So why was I hit last round?"
*Sparks*: "You were the big threat last round. This round it's Crit. You've been demoted to second place."
*Lily*: "Should I feel insulted?"
*Sparks*: "Better than feeling shocked."
*Beau*: "Yeah, current events are in your favor."
*GM*: *_groan_*

*Beau*: "What do you mean you want me to hang off the side of the ship, holding everyone's pants to the sea?"
*Sparks*: "Just let me cast Prestidigitation. It's OSHA compliant."

*Sparks*: "Congrats, you just chummed the waters."
*Beau*: "I had thought those sharks were getting buddy-buddy with us."
*GM*: *_groans_*

*Lily*: "Sylvie is a cleric."
*Sparks*: "Half cleric. She multi-classes."
*Beau*: "So Cleric light? Half the calories of most religions?"

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

> *Lily*: "Should I feel insulted?"
> *Sparks*: "Better than feeling shocked."
> *Beau*: "Yeah, current events are in your favor."
> *GM*: *_groan_*


The jokes have potential.

Paladin (oath of the watchers): I use divine sense to see if this is the aberration.
DM: (Jedi hand wave) this is the aberration you are looking for.

----------


## HalfTangible

P1: "There was a time in Risa's life where she figured whatever man she got with (assuming she did at all) would be taller than her. Then she hit 6' and kept going [another 7 inches]."

--

P1 (Risa's player): "... i blame you guys for the fact I have a better idea of Risa's thoughts on romance than her military career"
GM: "good"

--

"You... want me to set myself on fire?"
"Metaphorically, of course."
"........... I have no idea what that expression could possibly mean."
"He wants to hook up your power coupling."
"... I don't have a lot of electrical devices to plug in?"
"Force preserve me... he'd go spelunking in your sarlacc pit?"
"What kind of psychotic moron owns a sarlacc pit?"
"Do battle with the fearsome krayt dragon within your cave of wonders!!"
"Owning a krayt dragon is only slightly less stupid than owning a sarlacc."
"*sigh* Hang on, I need to come up with some other metaphors..."



"... you know he meant sex, right?"
"It pains me you feel the need to ask."

--

Risa: torn between letting Myr know she's joking because she's his friend and doesn't want him to embarass himself... or letting him awkwardly try to explain [sex] because she's his friend and wants to see him embarass himself

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

Another one from last night's game:

DM: Something smells wrong here. Like...if "2 + 2 = 12 and at the same time apple pie" had a smell, that's what this would smell like.

Tabaxi Wizard: As the shaman is distracted, I stab the totem into the zit and say "Grandmothercallsonthespiritsforhelp"
DM: As you do so, several things happen. First, you're covered in a shower of noxious-smelling pus. Don't do the cat thing and lick yourself clean. Second, there's an earthquake. Everyone make a DEX save. Third, the Beast screams.

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> Tabaxi Wizard: As the shaman is distracted, I stab the totem into the zit and say "Grandmothercallsonthespiritsforhelp"


 Right before he did that *Spoiler: other character being faced with the same zit*
Show

 I was digging into my backpack (mentally) and wondering if alchemist's fire was the equivalent of  benzoyl peroxide.

----------


## Xervous

Soric wants to find the easiest way to blow the place up and kill everyone in it

Me as the GM supplying the padme panel from the associated meme While youre a safe distance away right?

----------


## Ferreon

"The Noise Marine pot just killed the monk"

----------


## DigoDragon

> The jokes have potential.


Our GM feels they're polarized. ^^





> P1: "There was a time in Risa's life where she figured whatever man she got with (assuming she did at all) would be taller than her. Then she hit 6' and kept going [another 7 inches]."


On the plus side, the pool of shorter men has got a wider selection to pick from!





> DM: Something smells wrong here. Like...if "2 + 2 = 12 and at the same time apple pie" had a smell, that's what this would smell like.


I'm more concerned about the pie in that scent equation.





> Me as the GM supplying the padme panel from the associated meme While youre a safe distance away right?


Asking the important question here!


*Sparks*: "Next level I'll be able to summon a wall of ponies."

----------


## Xervous

> Asking the important question here!


Ill just say the next player answered with the Grus Plan template. Well see what happens tonight.

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

> Our GM feels they're polarized. ^^


I hope you're not all negative about this. Because that would be repulsive.
Ok, I'll stop now. Here, at least.




> I'm more concerned about the pie in that scent equation.


Yeah, you wouldn't want apple pie that smelled like this did. Note--the source of the smell was that aforementioned "zit". Which was the size of a basketball and growing out of the ground.

Oh, and 2 + 2 = _cherry_ pie, not apple pie.  :Small Wink:

----------


## HalfTangible

> On the plus side, the pool of shorter men has got a wider selection to pick from!


She's in a relationship with a 5'6" Miraluka now.

----------


## KorvinStarmast

Barbarian: "I know that we can see out of Leomund's Tiny Hut, but can I pee out of Leomund's Tiny Hut?"
*Spoiler: DM's ruling*
Show

Pee isn't  magical, and it was inside the Barb who was inside the hut when the Warlock erected it (ritual) so out it went the pee.  
*Spoiler: why it was asked*
Show

 Creatures and objects within the dome when you cast this spell can move through it freely. All other creatures and objects are barred from passing through it. Spells and other magical effects cant extend through the dome or be cast through it. The atmosphere inside the space is comfortable and dry, regardless of the weather outside.

----------


## Telok

"Thats not blood, its manliness."
"Well you lost a lot of it Mr. Eunuch."

----------


## DigoDragon

*Crit*: "You, stop!"
*Lily*: "Hammer time!"
*Party*: *_beatboxes Can't Touch This_*

*Sparks*: "I've never seen a galleon do a boot-legger turn. My stomach has regrets."

*Sylvie*: "What's your problem with Thor?"
*Beau*: "Well for starters, your donkey's an ass."

*Sparks*: "Lily, what size bodice do you wear?"
*Lily*: "I have no idea. I'm more a shirt-and-chainmail kind of lady."
*Beau*: "You really should stay abreast of these things."

*Sparks*: "Uuuugh... the sun is too loud."
*Crit*: "Lily, you got anything for the kobold's hangover?"
*Lily*: "No, he should learn from this experience."
*Sparks*: "And why does the moon have a smell?"

*Beau*: "That raven, a creature without fingers, just gave me the bird."

*GM*: "Imagine if a dwarf fell in love with a forest."
*Sparks*: "Heart of the what now?"

*Sylvie*: "Is that a naturegasm?"

*GM*: "You can feel her power flow through you."
*Beau*: *_farts_*
*GM*: "Not like that!"

----------


## Morgaln

*Technomage:* I boost myself using the damage I just received.
*GM:* Alright, that's a +2. Name your boost.
*Technomage:* I need to name it? I forgot about that. Oh God...
*GM:* Oh God it is. Here's your reminder flashcard.


*Flicker:* I pop off Buzz Lightyear's head and press the panic button


*Shilo:* How badly did the grenades damage that plane?
*GM:* There's some damage to the undercarriage, but it could still fly fine.
*Shilo:* I start it and run it into those grenadiers propeller first
*GM:* Uh,I guess that counts as an attack...
*Shilo:* You shouldn't have shot my drones.


*Flicker:* So you're an alien? From another planet?
*Ssshiosh:* Yes, I am.
*Flicker:* So how do we know you're not here to try and conquer us?
*Ssshiosh:* We have no interest in conquering a backwards place like Earth.
*GM:* Note how he's not exactly denying that his species does conquer other planets...

----------


## KorvinStarmast

Bard: "Why are you trying to pour that rock out of that bottle?"  
Warlock: "Might be a dao larva"

----------


## DigoDragon

*Beau*: "My brain itches."

*Sparks*: "I tap the nearest party member that's a responsible adult."
*Party*: *_everyone looks at Lily_*
*Lily*: "What?"

*Cobbler*: "Here, try this."
*Sparks*: "What is it?"
*Cobbler*: "Footwear"
*Sparks*: "It's what?"

*Sparks*: "My INT is an 18, but I have the WIS of a mustard sandwich."

*Drow*: "I'm assigned to you. If you go to jail, I have to go to jail."

*Guard*: "If you go in there, you will have a brief trial followed by a swift execution."
*Beau*: "The trial is a nice touch."
*Sparks*: "But why the kangaroos in the jury box?"

*Beau*: "I cast Detect Magic. Any auras?"
*GM*: "Like on the bridge of the J.J. Abrams' Enterprise."

*Beau*: "And _Lady of the Wood_ had a completely different meaning in my mind."
*Sparks*: "I wasn't thinking that, but thanks for the free ride I guess?"

*Lily*: "Sweetums is the librarian here."

*Sparks*: "How are you so young-looking?"
*Beau*: "Well, I crossed paths with Dick Clark on New Years a few decades back and..."

*Court Wizard*: "You're hear to see the Oracle?"
*Beau*: "That or a DB2."

*Lily*: "How do you spell that?"
*GM*: "K, E, O... phlegm"

----------


## KorvinStarmast

NPC Cultist: "Which ritual did _your_ parents do?" 
Tiefling PC: "The bedroom one"

----------


## Telok

Dm: Well that was weird.
Player: That we talked to someone instead of mindlessly slaughtering everything that moved?
Dm: Yeah. Surreal even.


"Lets drop a giant goat on them as we fly past."

----------


## Telok

Quiet thread...

"Great, we've graduated from killing rats in a basement for healing potions to killing demons in a basement for bigger healing potions. This is high level stuff, yay?"

Player: "Has anything we fought in the last six sessions had less than a hundred hit points?"
DM: "Uh... There was a caster last week, but you guys talked instead of just killing everything."
Other player: "Suddenly having triple the damage output and twice the hit points in this edition seem much less impressive."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

Dragon Knight: "I tell her I'm lost" (on the second floor of a building, Deception attempt) 

Paladin: "She's coming back to the office? I'm out the window!"

----------


## DigoDragon

*Doc*: "You can lead a duck to water, but you can't prove she's a witch."

----------


## somerando

Eeks: "Every day I don't have to use my hands is a good day."

----------


## Telok

H:"Never get out of the boat."
Dm:"Say what?"
H:"Nothing bad ever happens to me in the boat. Never get out of the boat."
S:"Apocalypse Now."
Dm:"Are you sure you want to do that?"
H:"Yeah. I saw the movie, I'm cool."

"I wonder if pantsing the barbarian counts for keeping his rage up."

"We can't burn it down until we pillage. Pillage, then burn. We need to keep going until we get to loot."

----------


## DigoDragon

*Sparks*: "I like my rollercoasters how I like my women."

*GM*: "He's tiny. Like, no bigger than a Terrier."
*Beau*: "I'll call him, Ishmall."

*Lily*: "It's like a healthier version of Cheetos."
*Sparks*: "_Everything_ is a healthier version of Cheetos."

*GM*: "You are somewhere between coal and uranium."

*Rand*: "You know you have another resource, right?"
*Beau*: "Oh yeah! I should pull him out."
*Rand*: "I'll pull mine out too."
*Sparks*: "Please! There are ladies present!"

*Correllon Hotline*: "...for clerical services, press 4..."

*Lily*: "Did you just release a devil?"
*Sparks*: "Uh... yes?"
*Lily*: "Into your service?"
*Sparks*: "Um, also yes..."
*Lily*: "And you did this why?"
*Sparks*: "Well I didn't see any of you lot stopping me."

*GM*: "You are all like Animal Control; you collect all the strays."

*Sparks*: "Dribblin the Nose is totally a mammal's name."

*Sparks*: "She's fine. Just tired, hungry, her kobold companion is marked for death..."

*Sylvie*: "You put a devil in a Hawaiian shirt and straw hat?"
*Sparks*: "It's a disguise."
*Sylvie*: "Where are his pants?"
*Sparks*: "...oh, right."

----------


## DigoDragon

*Sparks*: "We asked for an ace, and got a pair of instruction cards to play bridge."

*GM*: "What is the creature with the hyena face?"
*Beau*: "Kobold."
*Sparks*: "What? You mean gnoll, right?"
*GM*: "That's the one."
*Beau*: "Ah. They started with the same letter."
*GM*: "Okay, but I wanted the... wait. No they don't."
*Sparks*: "Rerolled that Insight check, did you?"

*Crit*: "He's using Cookie-Cutter logic; all edge and no point."

*GM*: "Rand is going to... shhhh..."
*Beau*: "-hit a brick?"

*Sparks*: "He's exercising at the He's Dead Gym."

*Lily*: "What do we do with the eggs?"
*Sparks*: "We can sell them for money."
*Beau*: "Could we give them to the centaurs?"
*Rand*: "The centaurs would destroy them."
*Sparks*: "We can sell them for money."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*Paladin*: I'll have an ale, and I'll buy her an ale, she's been through a lot
*DM*: After she chugs down two ales she looks at you and says "Do they have anything stronger?" 
*Paladin*: I order two shots of whisky
*DM*: It's rotgut.
*Paladin*: We'll do boilermakers, then. Drop shots into ale and chug ale
-------time  passes---------
*DM*: she's a weepy drunk
*Paladin*: I'll put my arm around her and let her cry on my shoulder.

----------


## animorte

*DM:* I need you all in that area to make a Con save.
*Bard:* 16
*Cleric:* 19
*Warlock:* 14
*DM:* And your Imp?
*Warlock:* Umm... that's an 11
*DM:* Everybody saves except the Imp
*Warlock:* Is it still invisible?
*DM:* It is not.
*Warlock:* Oh, because it's _hard._
*DM:* Yes...
...
...
...
*DM:* ...it is petrified.

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*Warlock*: Life is short, death is sure. 
*Rogue:* Are we on a suicide mission here, or are you trying to cheer me up?
*Warlock:*  Trying to make you feel better about the life drain that Wight did to you. 
*Rogue:* You are not cheering me up.

----------


## HalfTangible

P1: P2 does like to smash things.
P2 (his captain): ....... 40 push ups.
P1 (was mauled by a bear earlier in this scene):Worth it.

P3: "[P3's] a bit of a whore."
P1: "P1 will be happy to hear that."
GM: "P1: you like penis? Me too! Uh, i mean-"

P1: "Uh, so, P3, that guy that's been staring at you... do you know him?"
P3: "Absolutely not, never seen him before in my life."
(P3 earlier promised this guy sex if he helped her find her stolen gauntlets)

P1: "P1's surrounded by anime girls."
GM: "P1 has struck out of every conservation he's been in."
P1: "I know, it's hilarious!"

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*DM*: you see an imp, in the form of a parrot, fly overhead and sit on the branch of a tree. 
*Paladin*: I start walking toward the tree.  This imp treegz me. 
*Party*: _groan_

----------------
later
---------------

*P1*: (preparing to bathe) P2,  {tabaxi} you keep watch; you can just lick yourself clean.
*Spoiler: why the bath*
Show

covered in gore after a battle, looking for a place to clean up:

----------


## Telok

"Lets just charge in and kill everything. Be nice to the DM this time."

P1: "I cast _Speak with the Dead_ on the ex-T.Rex and say 'whose a good widdle dino? are you a good widdle dino? you are arent you? would the good widdle dino like a snack dwarf?'"
P2: "I am *so* glad he can't reanimate that thing."

P3: "It's 15 thousand gold!"
P4: "Well what else are you going to do with it?"
P3: "Buy all the whorehouses in the city."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> P3: "It's 15 thousand gold!"
> P4: "Well what else are you going to do with it?"
> P3: "Buy all the whorehouses in the city."


 _We spent all of our gold houses on ale houses and ..._

----------


## NRSASD

DM: Ummmm... does _anyone_ have an intelligence modifier?
Lizardfolk monk: Does -2 count as a modifier?

----------


## Telok

Dm: You three, int saves.
Barb rolls d20->1-1=0
Dm: Thats so bad there ought to be some sort of extra effect.

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

> Dm: You three, int saves.
> Barb rolls d20->1-1=0
> Dm: Thats so bad there ought to be some sort of extra effect.


I had a series of enemies roll _negative_ values for saves. When you have a -5 to Dex mod and no proficiency...

----------


## NRSASD

> I had a series of enemies roll _negative_ values for saves. When you have a -5 to Dex mod and no proficiency...


How did you have a -5 DEX mod? Was your character part-avocado?

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

> How did you have a -5 DEX mod? Was your character part-avocado?


Homebrew monster...or more specifically its root tentacles. It was a single enormous (roughly 200' diameter) underground plant-creature that only interacted via tentacles and a "head". So the tentacles (vines/roots) basically had natural armor, but were utter crap at dodging (a Dex score of 1). They could tunnel (had a burrow speed), but only between certain spots on the map. Strong as heck, but not nimble. And independently killable.

It made a lot more sense to model this thing as a bunch of creatures operating roughly independently (on their own initiatives): 10-ish tentacles and a head. The head had a lightning-based beam weapon and a nasty bite, the tentacles could grab and throw or slam, all with a huge reach (15' for the tentacles, 20' for the head).

----------


## Ferreon

"Ah, we *are* taking the tooth decay route, ok then."

----------


## NRSASD

@PhoenixPhyre- ah, makes sense. Thats pretty cool! Its how I handle krakens generally.

PC 1: If we let it out, it will eat the town!
Rest of the Party: *shrugs*
PC 1: We're _still in_ the town!

"Be wary, for the night is dark and full of tape worms."

----------


## DigoDragon

*Sparks*: "Anything you're thinking about?"
*Beau*: "No, nothing comes to mind."
*Sparks*: "Anything you're over-thinking about?"
*Beau*: "Oh yes, I have a list."

*Lily*: "I sing like a log."

*Sparks*: "Mmm, smote salmon."

*Slithis*: "Did you not see the size of that thing?!"
*Beau*: "No, could you describe it?"
*Slithis*: "It was big! No, bigger than that. Bigger! Look, it was wearing a kraken and a dreadnaught as earrings!"

----------


## NRSASD

Lich: Oh, it's just a kenku. What are you doing down here little bird? Looking for a place to build your nest?
Kenku (in hodgepodge of voices): *Ins*ide yo_ur_ rib*cage* *raises dagger

----------


## Telok

P1: "I'm sneaking just ahead of the light."
P2: "So you're saying you're back lit?"
P1: "Oops."
DM: "And you rolled a 3. The giants are all looking at you when you stroll into the room.

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

The party, in unison to an irate adult green dragon: "you're a big sexy beast."
The dragon, after a moment of stunned silence: Ok, now I believe you that you must have met me in the future.

----------


## NRSASD

*Spoiler: Heretical Context*
Show

We suspected the shopkeeper was the villain


Wildfire Druid, playing it casual, to the shopkeeper: "Hello sir, we're looking for some matches."
Battlemaster Fighter, interrupting: "Someone who _matches your description!_"
_Tackles shopkeeper_

Divination Wizard: "If you're innocent, then why did you run?"
Suspect: _looks around shiftily_ "... for the drama."

Divination Wizard: "We can't just let you go immediately, so we're going to leave you here tied up. And you aren't going to call for help. Do you know why?"
Suspect: "No, why?"
Divination Wizard: "... for the drama."
Suspect: _thinks about this for a moment, then nods vigorously_

----------


## DigoDragon

*Sparks*: "We told the clerics to take the drum and beat it."
*GM*: "Ugh, don't go there..."
*Beau*: "We snared the GM into a bad pun."
*Sparks*: "I tip my hi-hat to you."

*GM*: "Imagine Las Vegas, but in the Roman Empire style of debauchery."
*Sparks*: "That's just the Roman Empire."
*GM*: "Okay, but like... imagine corruption."
*Beau*: "Still just the Roman Empire."

*Sparks*: "When she said '_don't use it lightly_', I don't think the druid meant hit the tree."

*Sparks*: "Bad news. It's turtles all the way down."

*Sylvie*: "You're gonna need a bigger boat."

*Lilly*: "We're also looking for that golden ring."
*Sylvie*: "Easy, with me being a thief."
*Sparks*: "And me being a kobold."

*Lilly*: "He has a face only a mother could love."
*Sparks*: "Lies. Mind flayers don't even love their own children."

*Crime boss*: "I have a proposition for you, if you wish to hear me out."
*Lilly*: "That phrase never insinuates that we have a choice."
*Crime boss*: "Well, we could just do this the hard way."
*Slithis*: "Easy way! Easy way!"

----------


## KorvinStarmast

Paladin (at the manor of a prominent noble as the gala begins): "I like to watch"

----------


## Laughing Dog

"You can fly, but you can't hide!"
*in a slightly hushed whisper* "Quickly, reload the ballista before he comes back."

----------


## Diachronos

"I'm gonna puny god him!"

----------


## Telok

"90 foot flyby, two hits, and 50 damage a hit. Just damage kill them after the caster and get to the next fight. Five is too many to **** around with saves and talking. It's not like we can find out who or what they are anyways untill I cast Speak With Dead."

"We do too scout. We send in the barbarian and listen for screaming. Its the same result as stealth but without the dead rogue PCs."

"Nah, all the magic items I could spend my money on this edition take months or years to do and we've got a **** *** noble to annihilate. By the time one thing got finished we'd be four levels higher, another 30k richer, and the game would be ending. I'll just buy all the brothels in the city again."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> "We do too scout. We send in the barbarian and listen for screaming. Its the same result as stealth but without the dead rogue PCs."


 This looks like an interesting variation on a piece of US Army doctrine that I learned/was taught, called basically "reconnaissance by fire"  :Small Eek:  (And bravo to your group by doing what the group I DM for does so frequently)
Tonight's Immortal Quote (Curse of Strahd campaign)
*"It sounded like a good idea, until it wasn't!"*  :Small Eek:

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

Discord, after a session.

DM: Also, y'all should figure out a group name. Otherwise Servis is going to come up with a name for y'all and he's canonically terrible at naming things. lol He calls the mirror he gave <the cleric> "Good Mirror"
Bard (me): I can just imagine: <talking like to a dog>Who's a good mirror. You're a good mirror, yes you are...</>

----------


## DigoDragon

Yeah, that wouldn't reflect highly upon the party. :3


*Sparks*: "Okay, but I still want my devil friend wearing the tux."

*Lich*: "Ah, a question. Since before the star of your material plane burned, I have awaited a brave soul to come into my domain with their question."
*Beau*: "Well then why don't you answer it?"
*Lich*: "Because it is stupid."

----------


## Taevyr

P1: I want to roll to see if the two darklings have a... "close relationship".

*rolls a 3* DM: "they seem like they're just friends"

P2: I'm still getting a certain vibe, can I roll as well?

*rolls a 6* DM: "They still seem like they're close friends, nothing more"

P3: Welp, guess it's up to me then

*rolls a 16* DM: "They're bro's, they're pretty close, but there don't seem to be any real romantic vibes between them"

All players: "OH, COME ON"


So many "they were roommates" jokes after that.

----------


## somerando

"Not all beaches are military targets"
-Tazzil

----------


## HalfTangible

Lich (sending): "I'm back. And you took my things!"
Paladin: "Yes, we did. Suck my ****."

Bloodrager: "We killed some horrible monsters we found in the sewer. A gelatinous thing, and a monster with giant tentacles."
Guard: "WHAT?! You didn't kill the gelatinous cube and the Otyugh?! But those were there to clean out the sewers! We need them there so that we don't get overwhelmed by sewage during the siege!"
Bloodrager: "... oh, we didn't kill _those_. We found... other abominations." (32 on bluff)

----------


## Telok

"How about we have the person who didn't dump stat charisma do the lying?"

"Choose your fiction and I'll endorse it."

----------


## Rater202

"Uncle Cthulhu and Narlythotep-onii-san will be nice to me as long as I don't antagonize them first."

----------


## DigoDragon

*GM*: "The elf has an emotional support chicken."
*Beau*: "What the cluck?"

*Sparks*: "We know the guy likes to play with his 'toys'."
*Beau*: "Maybe Sylvie will get lucky and the guy enjoys being dominated?"
*Sylvie*: "You better be talking about the spell."

*Lily*: "Your identify spell failed?"
*Sparks*: "Yes, but at least we now know that the dagger is female."
*Lily*: "How so?"
*Sparks*: "She was _mis_identified."

*Beau*: "I fire a warning shot..."
*_rolls a 20, confirms crit with a 20_*
*Beau*: "...into his face."

*Lily*: "Oh god."
*Ehlonna*: "Yes?"

*Beau*: "So if anyone thinks this is a bad idea-"
*Sparks*: "Dude, we all know it's a bad idea. We're doing it anyway."

*Sparks*: "What's her name?"
*GM*: "Uh... Jem."
*Sparks*: "That's outrageous."
*Lily*: "Truly, truly outrageous."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

Paladin: "I'll check on my crocodile. His name's Mick"*Spoiler: why I had a sad face*
Show

 
(Not sure if anyone got the reference, TBH)

----------


## Taevyr

"I finished talking to the kelp, it's probably thataway"

----------


## HalfTangible

GM: "Look, you guys didn't say you were getting a hotel room with curtains to hide in... ya know what, roll 1d5, on a five it'll have the most luxurious curtains, armoires, beautiful bedsheets _oh my god._"
P1: (rolled a 5 partway through that declaration)
P2: "No no, keep going, what else does the room have?"

-

P1: "Look, I'm sure whatever this is, we can settle it. What's P4 done?"
(all P4 did since he came into the town was order a fancy wagon)
NPC: "He is charged with HIGH TREASON!!!"
P1: "... come again?"

-

GM: The guards start tearing through the room, looking for P4.
P3: "I'm droppings apples onto the guard's spears as they come in."
GM: "Did you bring some apples from downstairs?"
P3: "I teleport downstairs, grab a bowl of apples, and then teleport back into the rafters to throw the apples onto their spears. Natural 20."

-

P2: "I shove an immovable rod up the dragon's anus."
Everyone: "WHAT?!"

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> P2: "I shove an immovable rod up the dragon's anus."
> Everyone: "WHAT?!"


This is why we play D&D.  This right here.  :Small Cool:

----------


## Tohron

> P2: "I shove an immovable rod up the dragon's anus."
> Everyone: "WHAT?!"


Should have applied a bit of Sovereign Glue first.

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*Dwarf Warlock:* "Now that I am standing on my head, I find you to be even more beautiful" 
*Spoiler: Why he had to stand on his head*
Show

Was addressing one of Strahd's minions who was hanging upside down from an archway

----------


## Taevyr

> P2: "I shove an immovable rod up the dragon's anus."
> Everyone: "WHAT?!"


Well, time to watch Pick of Destiny again

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*P1*: "Look out, Kamikaze Toad!"  
*DM*: "The toad goes Boom!
*P1*: "The far toad or the fart ode?  Wait, we don't have a bard in this group, it's the toad!"

*P1*: "Rubber bands don't come from Crocodiles, usually!"

*P3*: "Mick is beyond potions, at this point"

*P1*: "He made a deal with the devil. That always goes well"

*P2*: (After watching a vision of fiends eating their victims): "Fine Young Cannibals"

*P1* sees radiant lightning crackling over the old temple: "Led Zepplin concert, got it"

*P4*: Stinging Odor? Green Stuff?
*P1*: "Don't touch the green stuff!"

*P1*: "Want me to use my mage hand?"
*Disembodied voice*: "lookin' for love in all the wrong places..."

*P1*: {in a dragon's lair/tomb} "Soft Boiled Eggs, not an omelette"

*P3*: "I have Gorilla Hair in my face! Gross!"
*P4*: "Did the Giant Ape just Teabag him?"
*P1*: "{P2}, you do not want to be teabagged by Kong!"

There are rumors that rye whiskey was involved in a few of the above utterances ...

----------


## Xihirli

As they say, multiple birds, big stone. A multi-bird stone.

Minsei? Hes not a pet; hes a coward.

Dammit, I want a newt head.

You cant brew potions in the middle of a courtyard! -Guard
That sounds like a limit of YOUR imagination. -Me

Im like an onion, I make people cry when they cut me open. 

They dont call me a gazer for nothin'.

Doesnt matter what their names are after we take their organs.

When I was little, I was afraid of monks now I am Monkman!

Careful with that, its worth more than your teeth.

Thats why I took up robbery. I couldnt take up cross country because of my fragile legs. -Daniel

My bad kneecap is now my worse kneecap!

If he doesnt help us out, we help him out, to the afterlife, like heroes.

That Z? Thats the evil letter. Got a Z in your name? Youre goin down, punk.




There. That's most of them.

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

Not me, but a player in my campaign who is also a DM for a different campaign, speaking in our discord OOC about that other campaign (where none of us are players):

> Yes. They want to bang a tree. And another is like 'hey can we have sexy zombie art?'
>Me- No guys that is where I put my foot down. No we are not having sexy zombie art.
> I am starting to bring in punishment. Horrible punishment.

----------


## Telok

"I do so love me some bottomless pits."

"He's not a prisoner! He's my pet turtle now!"

DM: "He declines to take the opportunity attack on the bloodied, unarmored, halfing."
Halfling: "Coward! I'll set you on fire again for that."

----------


## NRSASD

DM: Oh! You were coated in acid for two rounds but I totally forgot about the damage. You should take 10 damage but since I goofed only take 5.
P1: Huh. Looks like the acids PH increases the longer the DM forgets about it.
P2: To be fair, that was a pretty basic mistake.

----------


## DigoDragon

*Sparks*: "Nat 20 on Appraise! ...damn, that was my one good roll. Well, I'm done for the rest of the session."

*GM*: "You now have a new kobold friend following you."
*Sparks*: "Ugh, this is why we don't feed the wild animals."
*Beau*: "Uh hello? Aren't you a kobold?"
*Sylvie*: "He is, but Sparks is like one of those house trained Pomeranians."
*Sparks*: "Yeah. ...wait."

*Sparks*: "If I had a copper piece for every kobold stray I took in, I'd have two copper pieces; which isn't a lot, but it is weird that this has happened twice."

*Beau*: "I'm naming him Jude."
*GM*: "Why that name?"
*Beau*: "So I can say, Hey Jude."
*Lily*: "Don't make it bad."
*Sylvie*: "Take a sad song, and make it better."
*GM*: *_banging head against table_*

*Sparks*: "Go down Main Street? It's a halfling village. That's like, the only street they have."

----------


## Telok

"Guys, could we please stop feeding the dead giant super vampire?"

P1: Now roll a 20.
P2: <roll>...uh...crit.
DM: I hate you.
P3: It's kind of creepy how your dice luck works on roll20 too.

----------


## ArcanaGuy

Me:  "So, they're hoping you'll help them with this."
P1:  "What are they going to _pay_ us for this?"
P2:  "Aren't you anti-capitalist iRL?  Why have you been penny-pinching so hard ever since we set up our own business in game?"
P3:  "Everyone's anti-capitalist until they're playing D&D."

Same game:

P2:  "OK, let's go talk to them.  P1, go talk to them."
P1:  "Why am I the one talking to them?  I'm an anti-social recluse!"
P3:  "Yeah, but you're the only one whose charisma bonus isn't negative."
P1:  "And that's how I became the face.  This isn't going to end well."

Same game:

P3:  "I think it's got fire immunity, P1.  Explosions *might not* be the answer here."
P1:  "That sounds like quitter talk to me."
(two rounds later)
P1:  "See?  Explosions are always the answer."

Same game:

P3:  "Could you come up with some way for us to trap the ghosts?"
P1:  "That's what I was looking into first.  But if I don't come up with a way for P2 to bodyslam a ghost first, we'll never hear the end of it."
P2:  "Is true!  If I don't get a chance to slap a ghost in the face with a fish, we've done something wrong."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> P2:  "Is true!  If I don't get a chance to slap a ghost in the face with a fish, we've done something wrong."


 This is why we play D&D. This, right here.  :Small Smile:

----------


## ciopo

"I cast guidance on the prisoner so he remembers better the info we're asking him about!"

----------


## DigoDragon

*GM*: "He's not a... not a familiar small guy..."
*Beau*: "So a no known gnome?"
*Sparks*: "Try saying that three times-"
*GM*: "No."

*Beau*: "Sparks found a big book by the person who painted all the signs in town."
*Sparks*: "So that means...?"
*Beau*: "A tome for your signs."
*Librarian*: *_takes away Beau's library card_*

*Beau*: "Aren't all peacocks drunk?"
*Lily*: "No, just LOUD."

*Sage*: "Do you know what you have here?"
*Sparks*: "If we did, we wouldn't be asking you."

*Sparks*: "So I stand in the centaur of the battlefield?"

*Sylvie*: "Everyone who is loud or blind please follow me to the back of the line."

*Sparks*: (_in the distance_) "AHHHHH!"
*Sylvie*: "Welp. Time to go save our nerd."

*Lion*: *_moves 140 feet in one round_*
*Beau*: "What was that?"
*Rand*: "Space Lion One."
*Beau*: "It's gone to plaid!"

*Sparks*: "Not how I expected to die; covered in pine needles, tree sap, and chalk dust."

*GM*: "The giant misses Crit so badly, his club hits his own foot and shatters."
*Beau*: "The club or the foot?"
*GM*: (_rolls_) "Yes."

*Giant*: "Did his armor just flip me off?"

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*P1*: I need you all to meet me at the One Eyed Eagle Tavern. 
*P2*: Sure, but first we need to fly over the city at low level on the back of P3's dragon. 
*P3 to P2*: Here ya go, get on. (helps P2 up)
*P1:* OK, we'll walk there along the south side of the river, see you before nightfall - 
*P4*: Has P3 been drinking? 
*P3*: Yes I have!  A bit more than usual. 
*P2*: Me too!  (giggles)
*P1*: What could possibly go wrong? 
*P4:* Pretty much everything

----------


## NRSASD

P1: "I have come to see the babies"

P2: "The Queen wants this cannon on the dance floor! You wouldn't deny the Queen, would you?"

P3: "Stabbing people who are much more powerful than they appear to be MOST DEFINITELY does NOT run in our family."

DM's Wife: Oh dear. Are they heading towards another TPK?
DM: Seems likely.
DM's Wife: Make sure to get P1 this time. He's had it too good for too long. Living

----------


## thorr-kan

> DM's Wife: Oh dear. Are they heading towards another TPK?
> DM: Seems likely.
> DM's Wife: Make sure to get P1 this time. He's had it too good for too long. Living


Oh, I like your DM's Wife.

My Owner doesn't RPG, but she knows the tune.  When we host, she keeps tabs on the goings-on and is always ready to drop the snark at the expense of our friends.

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*DM:* "You are not surrounded by this cloud of exploding mosquitoes."

----------


## Kalaska'Agathas

*The Bard, realizing that he has something for this*:*  "Dooooon't hear that sound//Oh, oh, ohhhhhh//There's a Banshee around//Oh, oh, Ohhhhhhhhh!"

*The Bard's Player, out of character:* "Since I won Initiative, I use _Countersong_, with a Perform check of...[rolls]...nice, 41."

* Sung to the tune of Falco's "Der Kommissar"

----------


## Heavenblade

"You!
You are from the water tribe!
What do you know about fancy fish?" (First words spoken between two characters who are on their way to become a power duo)

"You realize that the statue is, in fact, a statue" (me to a player who got snake eyes with a -1 on assess a situation)

"Are you stupid or just dumb?" (Street urchin to one of the vharacters)

Quotes from our brand new legends of the elements campagin

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*Paladin*: "I'm not going to tell the wizard (tabaxi) about the catnip...yet"

----------


## NRSASD

P1: The lowly Swiss mustache can never compare to the superior French mustache!

P3: I'm snuggling up against the corpse of Snow White and am trying to use her as cover.

----------


## Amidus Drexel

P1: Uh, P2 tried to put out the sun, so now we have to fight some orcs.
P2: They were _heretical_, so I had to be sure.

----------


## vasilidor

The dragon breathes spiders.

----------


## HalfTangible

>The police botch their investigation roll
"... Well, boss, this is definitely an apartment!"
"Are we sure it's not a townhouse?"
"I thought it was a condo..."
"That's because you hit your head as a baby, Urias."

----------


## Telok

P1: I heal the shield guardian.
Group: ???!!!
P1: He's an investment anyone can use. The rest of you can be rezzed.

----------


## Lord Torath

"You can have the wraith go fight the thing that's in the bathroom. The Excremental."

"And now my fireplace is laughing."

----------


## PhoenixPhyre

Nameless NPC: are candy canes supposed to have (enlarged mammaries)?

DM, after a paladin used Divine Sense: you think for a moment that they're is a peppermint elemental behind you. OOC: Do peppermint elementals exist? They should. From the plane of mint. Is that next to the plane of chocolate?
Several players: I want that.

----------


## Telok

"Buff the fighter, let him tank it. Buff the fighter, let him tank it. Was that so hard to understand? Now look at you. It took a Heal and Greater Restoration to fix your zero hit point, 2 strength ass. Don't stick your medium armor 'help action' cleric ass in the melee before the buffed fighter engages. Do we need to glue an immovable rod to your back again?"

----------


## KorvinStarmast

"I think I'm gonna fart on that giant three headed cobra" 
*Spoiler: who said this, anyway?*
Show

the wizard in Giant Ape form, polymorph

----------


## Amidus Drexel

*Fighter:* "I'm too stupid to get rabies and too strong to get poisoned!"

----------


## Telok

"Saying it takes a good GM to raise a game above minimum competence mediocrity is damning with faint praise. A good enough GM can make FATAL decently playable."


"I don't like mining." "Great, our cleric is a dwarf hippie."

----------


## Personification

> "A good enough GM can make FATAL decently playable."


While I respect the sentiment of your overall point, I have to contest that this is false. There is no baker good enough to turn a trash fire into a birthday cake.

----------


## Telok

> While I respect the sentiment of your overall point, I have to contest that this is false. There is no baker good enough to turn a trash fire into a birthday cake.


Oh I don't know. Move to a point buy & choose char gen, drop lots of unnecessary crap, drop lots of stuff you don't want to bother with like encumberance & ammo tracking, don't roll a lot of the time if you think the outcome should go a certain way... Sure, you'd end up with just another janky D&D knockoff with a terrible magic system, but it could work with a good enough DM.

Not saying it'd be a birthday cake, but at least you could avoid food poisoning and your hair wouldn't be on fire. Ya know, like minimum competency "this game can be played". After that its just on the DM to make up missing stuff & make it fun.

----------


## DCraw

> Oh I don't know. Move to a point buy & choose char gen, drop lots of unnecessary crap, drop lots of stuff you don't want to bother with like encumberance & ammo tracking, don't roll a lot of the time if you think the outcome should go a certain way... Sure, you'd end up with just another janky D&D knockoff with a terrible magic system, but it could work with a good enough DM.
> 
> Not saying it'd be a birthday cake, but at least you could avoid food poisoning and your hair wouldn't be on fire. Ya know, like minimum competency "this game can be played". After that its just on the DM to make up missing stuff & make it fun.


But at that point, is it still FATAL? Sure it would still be racist, sexist, historical-era-ist, and a few dozen other -ists, but without the terrible system to counterbalance the terrible setting I don't think it can still be considered the same steaming pile.

----------


## Telok

> But at that point, is it still FATAL? Sure it would still be racist, sexist, historical-era-ist, and a few dozen other -ists, but without the terrible system to counterbalance the terrible setting I don't think it can still be considered the same steaming pile.


Well then you could take D&D and "Move to a point buy & choose char gen, drop lots of unnecessary crap, drop lots of stuff you don't want to bother with like encumberance & ammo tracking, don't roll a lot of the time if you think the outcome should go a certain way..." and end up in the same place eh? Neuter any system of mechanics down to minimum competency mediocrity game that it takes a good experienced GM to make into more than a basic combat boardgame plus unstructured improv. What are you left with?

But that's a tangent. Here's another from last week:

"The sound of butchering hogs with a wood axe and random screaming. Must be the barbarian stealth scouting again."

----------


## jbr712

If theyre cranking, Im spitting
-Coeden (a PC in my campaign)

----------


## Diachronos

"Trust me. Give Carl the coin, he'll get you the prostitute, and the librarian will give you what you want."

"I mean, I'm a frost giant. I assume I hage some sort of racial ouchie to fire."

----------


## TurboGhast

"I'm sorry for causing the party to retroactively commit murder."

----------


## HalfTangible

Exalted

PC1: (sarcastic) "Man, I bet you were fantastic at hunting solars back in the day."
PC2: (me) "I smack him lightly across the back of his head."
PC1: "OW! Ow--dammit PC2, PC3's a big girl, she can smack me herself! Damn, that smarts..."
PC2: "I barely grazed you."
PC1: "I roll to establish that he did not, in fact, 'barely graze me'." (4sux)
PC2: "I will challenge that fact and say I *did* barely graze him." (5sux) "AHA!"

This is definitely what fact establishment is for.

----------


## Telok

"Hey! My axe has an AoE electric blast!" "You've been holding out on us?!?"

"You haven't crit in two fights. What did you do to piss off the dice gods?"

----------


## Laserlight

How to aggro the boss: "Strahd, you've been trying to win this girl for five hundred years? Seriously? I got her in bed in less than two hours!" 



New Paladin PC to Pirate PC: "Are you evil?"
Pirate: "Well...pirate, slave trader, drug trader, brothel owner, and I did make a deal with an Old One who ended up destroying a city, but I don't know whether any of that counts as evil. You'd have to ask him." (indicates party leader)

Later, the party leader. "Evil? No, I have a complex theological justification for that." (which he never explains)

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> How to aggro the boss: "Strahd, you've been trying to win this girl for five hundred years? Seriously? I got her in bed in less than two hours!"


 This is a conversation that I hope our party bard has with Strahd at some point. (I'm a warlock, not sure I'll be appealing to her).  




> Pirate: "Well...pirate, slave trader, drug trader, brothel owner, and I did make a deal with an Old One who ended up destroying a city, but I don't know whether any of that counts as evil.


 I'd blame the rum for that.  :Small Big Grin:

----------


## NRSASD

> How to aggro the boss: "Strahd, you've been trying to win this girl for five hundred years? Seriously? I got her in bed in less than two hours!"


How long did that character survive after that comment, and was it worth being dismembered?

----------


## DigoDragon

*Sparks*: "There's a sign on this door's push bar that reads '_pull_'."
*Beau*: "Ah yes, the entrance exam."

*Sparks*: "It's what happens when you order Vecna from Wish.com."

*GM*: "You're man-sized?"
*Lily*: "Elf sized."

*Sparks*: "Did you take up gardening while you were trapped?"
*Lily*: "It was a corrupt treant!"
*Sparks*: "Still lasted longer than my houseplant."
*Beau*: "The plastic one?"

*Lily*: "Lets get back to town so that I can get stupid-drunk."
*Sylvie*: "Uh, did the corruption take our cleric?"

*Sparks*: "Imagine having Brillo pads for a face."

*Sylvie*: "Pretty sure the crystal goblin is a typo."

*Sparks*: "did you just say Thunder Boobies?"

*Sylvie*: "We're gonna need an illusion of a comet and two barrels of Flavor-aid."

----------


## NRSASD

P1: He drank some holy water, so maybe he shriveled up like a peanut?

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*P1* "OK, the son of the noble is pale, withdrawn, and hides in the attic where light flashes are seen from its one window by numerous town folk at odd hours of the day and/or night.  What's he doing up there, playing video games in a world with no electricity?"

*P2*: "That's about the size of it" 

DM: *nods* "- or something like that"

----------


## Zuras

Bard: Im going to keep dancing till her dress starts falling off, then drop the anvil on her head.

----------


## animorte

*Warlock:* Is it hard?

*DM:* Oh _thats_ why the imp is always invisible!

*Warlock:* Ha difficult.

----------


## NRSASD

Barbarian: I run across the room and fly into a rage!
DM: What specifically are you enraged about?
Barbarian: The architecture!
Druid, OoC: I like that you have to have a catalyst for your anger.
Barbarian: Its not Gothic, I hate it! Its gotta go.
Wizard: Itll be baroque by the time youre through with it!

Barbarian: I invoke my ancestral gardening!
Party: looks confused
Barbarian: *Guardians

Monk: Its a spell but I dont know what kind. I am but a buffoon in the shape of a lizard!

DM: a cockatrice emerges from the rubble.
Monk: I give it a respectful nod and say Hey
DM: it bites you!
Monk: Whaaaaat?

----------


## DigoDragon

*Sparks*: "I admire that you have the intelligence to know Wisdom is your dump-stat, but your wisdom is too low to do the smart thing about it."

*Sparks*: "I got my wizard spells ready for the day."
*Beau*: "I got my warlock... spell ready for the day."

*Rand*: "I'm concerned at how many D&D problems we've resolved with a two-ton gorilla."

*Erinyes*: "I need an adult!"

*Sparks*: "I will debuff you to the Abyss!"

*Lily*: "How far is the Erinyes from me?"
*Sylvie*: "120 feet."
*Lily*: "Good, I have something that'll reach her."
*Sparks*: "Well I'm scared."
*Erinyes*: "Me too."

*Sylvie*: "How did you not see the 8-foot gorilla?!"

*GM*: "See, she can hit the broad side of a kobold!"
*Sparks*: "I'm not that fat."

----------


## BlacklightVirus

*Ranger:* "So you're telling me the real knife-slime was literally the friend we made along the way?"



*NPC:* (to the Barbarian, genuinely encouraging) "Aww... you go, little guy. You go live your dream of being a corpse."



*DM:* "Add another one to the bee's kill count, I guess. What are we at, seven?"



*Artificer, OoC:* "Yeah, I'd say [my steel defender] is something of a himbo."



*DM:* *deep sigh* "No, putting the potion in the fantasy humidifier won't do anything."



*Barbarian:* "I find the biggest squash and take a single bite out of it, then put it back so nobody can see it."
*DM:* *bewildered* "Why?"
*Barbarian:* "She mind-controlled our friend and tried to kill us."

----------


## DigoDragon

*Sparks*: "Oh, because I have the big hat?"
*Beau*, *Lily*, and *Sylvie*: "Yes."

*Beau*: "Okay, so who gave the kobold a clicky pen?"

*Sparks*: "This beer tastes like the dude in Hamilton who got shot."
*Lily*: "Which guy?"
*Sparks*: "I haven't decided, but the body was stashed in the keg."

*Lily*: "What's the capacity of a type II Bag of Holding?"
*Sparks*: "What do you mean? African or European?"

*GM*: "Great, now I need math."

*Sparks*: "Oh, you naughty rope!"

*GM*: "You come up to six huts, made with skins."
*Party*: "... ... ..."
*GM*: "Animal skins."
*Party*: "Oh! Phew, yeah. Okay. Big difference that. We're good now."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*NPC* (in the basement, with a crew of NPCs supporting him)  looking dead in the eye of the lead melee PC and mouthing "Kill them all!" (He meant his own minions)

*Paladin*: "Someone used money from your trading company to hire mercenaries to kill me - and the voucher was signed by you."
*Pompous comptroller*: "No! I - we - did not. I assure you, it's not on the books!" 
*Paladin*: "Which books? The ones you show to the royal tax officers or the ones you use to keep track of the money?"

*Wizard*: "I'm going to visit ... her." 
*Paladin*: "Is she still the lead in that musical which performs false versions of our history that glorifies you?" 
*Wizard*: "Yes"
*Paladin*: "I'll pass - not gonna be there at the premiere."

----------


## Amidus Drexel

"Grillark is on his way to becoming a shonen protagonist."
"You _do_ appear to have the powers of God, Anime, and Dave on your side."

"What are you doing here?"
"Look, kid. Me, metal box, 3000 years. Not that complicated."

"Hey, don't pray here! We have a temple at home!"
"Temple at home:  "

"God dammit."
"Careful, kid, I got one on the line."
"Out of character god dammit."

"I came, I saw, I... came back."

"This is a midget fight club and Grillark is awkwardly tall."

----------


## Telok

"So what'd I miss last week?" <talking> "He gave you enough rope and you hung yourselves?"

"The dead are very good at deadpan."

DM: "Shield guardians for everyone would be four hundred and fifty thousand gold."
P1: "Well at least it's something to spend money on."
P2: "My familiar sleeps on a pile of thirty thousand. It's not that far off."
P3: "How about gold golems? Are there stats for those?"

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*Paladin:* "Resist the possession, Judge! Make the demon leave you!"
 (Had just cast Protection from Evil and Good) 
*NPC Noble*: {Rolls with advantage, and gets something north of 20}  
*SFX:*  _Pop goes the demon!_
*Rest of Party:* "Where'd this Marilith come from?" 
*DM:* "Roll initiative!" 
*Rest of Party:* _Glare at paladin in three part harmony_

----------


## Amidus Drexel

*Fighter:* "We have achieved bisexual lighting."

*Fighter:* "We're thinking about ways to light everything on fire; we're real adventurers now!"
*Cleric:* "Hey, don't include me in this."
*Fighter:* "Shush, you tried to put out the sun."
*Cleric:* "It was a tactical decision!"

*Fighter:* "I dunno guys, I'm feeling kinda bad about this."
*DM:* "Oh, so those people that died with less dignity - it was okay to rob _their_ corpses - but _this_ is where you draw the line?"

--
*Assassin:* "I wouldn't say we've been failing forwards."
*Paladin:* "Yeah, more like sideways."

*Paladin:* "It's like whiskey - except it's okay, the potions are medicinal."
*Assassin:* "...whiskey is medicinal."
*Paladin:* "_Well_, maybe the way we use it."

*Monk:* "I think you have to eat all your veggies at every meal to get the tree network wifi password."

*Paladin:* "What if the people LIKE segregation"

----------


## Telok

"Cripes. I throw down an upcast damage shield and suddenly nothing can roll over an 8 to hit me? Is this the ultimate AC buff?"

"You're a fighter with two decent buffs and an axe that farts sunlight facing a room full of stupid melee mobs. This makes you death incarnate today. Now go solo all the vampires. We'll wait."

"Ten mooks at 250 ****ing plus hp each. This is taking forever and they can't do enough damage to bloody us. Could you please stop using the stupid **** CR system?"

----------


## Slipjig

P2: Do you have a shellfish allergy?
P3: ...no?
P2: Excellent! [Slapping sound]

NPC: Isn't the whole point of people like you owning a business to generate plot hooks?
P1: Hey now!  Breaking the fourth wall is OUR job!

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> "Ten mooks at 250 ****ing plus hp each. This is taking forever and they can't do enough damage to bloody us. Could you please stop using the stupid **** CR system?"


 What mook as 250 HP? Asking for a friend.  :Small Yuk:

----------


## Amidus Drexel

"We put the diss in dysfunctional!"

*Elf:* "Being slightly more feminine does not make you an elf."

*Second Watch:* "That sounds like a first watch problem to me."

*Monk:* "What if they were happy screams?"

*DM:* "The wind sounds like a whole team of athletes swinging wet towels."

*DM:* "You're putting the sausage on the pan, and it whispers YAAARVIK."
*Yarvik:* "I thought you were already dead!"

*Assassin:* "You just haven't shaved your feet in a while."
*Ranger:* "They get cold at night. Plus, there's crumbs that I can save for later."

*Paladin:* "Roger, you should go investigate. You're the most... stealthy of us."
*Assassin:* "I was really worried you were going to say delicious."

----------


## HalfTangible

> What mook as 250 HP? Asking for a friend.


JRPGs sometimes.

----------


## Telok

> What mook as 250 HP? Asking for a friend.


Some bloody vulture-man vampire spawn. We're 14th level and the **** stupid cr stuff says two weenie attacks of 2d6+3, 15-ish ac, and 250+ hp makes a decent fight if you use 8 mooks + 2 vamps that are about the same but have 3 spells (circle of death and 2 usless **** spells). Literally haste + prot vs evil and the fighter can solo the entire room with the flanking=adv rule going. Well, barring a string of sufficient crits, but that's because he dropped the adamant plate for 1 more ac.

Its a stupid ****ing hour plus filler fight because the game mechanics & advice tell you to run the party out of resources. Most interesting thing (aside from upcast armor of agathy making an ac 16 "provoke all the opp atks" warlock 100% unhittable because of dice god humor) was a magic altar, but nobody rolled over 7+5 on anything but the search for hidden compartments/levels (none). So that was a bust.

----------


## Fable Wright

*Derek:* Wait, are you trying to teach the former monitor lizard capitalism through the mechanisms of eggs?
*Princess:* Don't worry about it

*Princess:* Wow, for someone making fun of My Little Pony, you sure know a lot about Gadget Hackwrench to recognize her immediately from a Disney Bounding costume. I mean, she's a pretty obscure character.
*Peanut Gallery:* No one tell her how popular the tag is on certain image forums.
*Disney Jail Bouncer:* *Begins sweating*

*Derek:* Okay, I try to inspect what just happened. We safely jumped out of a hot air balloon after sticking our hands in a brazier and landing on a Wacky Wavy Inflatable Arm Tube Man unharmed; can I identify the magic ritual components?
*GM:* Roll Secrecy to see if you can identify.
*Dice:* Pass
*GM:* It was a lower-r ritual; there was no magic involved.
*Derek:* Okay, Derek is immediately filled with mortal peril after the fact; he did _not_ think this could actually hurt him.

*(Catching up our missing player on last session):* We have replaced the bronies with robots; Derek, Princess, the real bronies, and the political prisoners are currently living happily in Equestria and may be trying to broker deals with The Pink One to leave. Also, the Spords had a minor peasant revolt, Derek signed a blood pact with the Hot Air Ballooners to make peace, and Hank and Alice are storming Disney's Club 33 with the hottest man in Agraba.

----------


## Telok

Player: "Wait. The cleric isn't a dwarf?"
DM: "Half-elf, he just hangs around the dwarves a lot."
Player: "Ah, that's why I couldn't tell. 'No distinguishing traits' is the half-elf racial feature."


NPC: "You have made a wise decision."
PC: "That's a rarity for us."


DM: "The death-knight sees you."
PC: "Pizza delivery! You order a large pepperoni?"
DM: "uh..."
Player: "Yay surprise! I book it back up the stairs."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*Paladin*: "All this court lacks is a kangaroo." 
*Emperor:* _Laughs_
*Spoiler: in case the context is of interest*
Show

*Spoiler: private messages between two players*
Show


Other Player: "You didn't even have to roll a Performance check" 
Paladin Player: "Maybe DM forgot that I'm not playing a bard in this campaign" 
*Spoiler: why he's addressing them*
Show

addressing the Emperor, and the eight 'judges' as the Imperial Court takes their seats to 'try' the party for being in the Empire illegally

----------


## Ionathus

"Look, it's not the first or the last time I'm gonna desecrate a corpse."

----------


## TheTeaMustFlow

*GM*: "From what you know it seems unlikely that there are any Separatists on the planet, except for the fact that you just saw Count Dooku."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

Hound: "What incentive are you offering me to stop working with Fitz and start working with you?"
Cutter: "Besides the fact that all three of them are witches?" 
Whisper: "Why are you even talking to these people?"
Hound: "They sought us out, and we need the coin. I say we take the job."   
Lurk: *shrugs* "I'm in" 
Whisper: "What could possibly go wrong?" (Sarcasm dripping so heavily that we needed a mop to clean it up)

----------


## Inevitability

Cleric: "I ponder methods to rid this poor soul of the devil possessing their body."
Me: "You're aware of a few methods! Protection From Evil And Good and an exorcism with holy water are the easiest. Though you, as a priest, can create holy water, it would require a sacrifice of some value. Traditionally it'd have to be silver, but I'm going to go ahead and say it can be anything that your deity considers valuable. It's a bit of a moot point anyway, as none of you have much of value on y-"
Wizard, interjecting: "I got that waterskin of expensive wine!"
Me, ooc: "The wine you stole?"
Wizard, ooc: "Yeah, that one."
Me, ooc: "You want to appease and honor Moradin, god of the dwarves, _lawful good_ god of the dwarves, by offering him stolen elvish wine?"
Wizard, ooc: "It's alcohol, isn't it?"

The wine ended up working.

----------


## Lord Torath

Barbarian:  "If all else fails, we know that corruption is flammable."

----------


## NRSASD

"Hey... you can't rebuild your parents."

----------


## Personification

Pik: Do you need help?
Kuo'Tua guard: Prisoners do not speak to guards!
Gnaw: *Writes "Prisoners do not speak to guards!" in notebook*
Pik (to Gnaw): Can I borrow some paper?
Pik: *Writes "Do you need help?" on paper*
Pik: *Gives paper to guard*


Me, OOC: Two minutes later, we'll just storm in there, covered in fish guts, shouting "WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!"

----------


## Diachronos

"I'm going to punch the house."

"Are you wearing boots?"
"They're worth more to me than you are."

----------


## Personification

"He hisses at you, but he's a fish, so he sort of glub glubs at you... But there's a lot of sass in it!"

----------


## Amidus Drexel

*DM:* "I could not deny our lord and savior Hatsune Miku."

*Knight:* "Insert jpop idol here."
*DM:* "You're unsure whether jpop is canon."

*Knight:* "The passion he has for Hatsune Miku inspires me."

*Horse:* "I twirl my pistol shrimp and put it back into its holster."

*DM:* "The 'pistol shrimp dueling' union contract is pretty good."

*DM:* "Your children are getting a little bitey."
*Cybernetic possum:* "I eat one."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> *DM:* "Your children are getting a little bitey."
> *Cybernetic possum:* "I eat one."


 _Cybernetic Possum_ is the name of my next band. Techno-country-rock.

----------


## Personification

Vanessa: If I bite the door do I get health?

Vanessa: Is there a fish that spits acid?
DM: Well, anchovies are high in omega 3 fatty acid.

Pik: I only just started harassing this fish!

----------


## LecternOfJasper

P1: "Wait guys, we need a code word! So when we wake up we'll know if this was real or not."

P2: "The safe word is... BANANAS?!" 

P3: "No, hmm." 

P1: "Middle-Eastern BANANAS, that'll work." 

Later: 

P1: "Hey, P2, wake the f*** up, you have anything in particular you want to say, some phrase?" 

P2: "The safe word is... BANANAS?!" 

P1: "No, not quite-" 

P2: "Middle-Eastern, BANANAS?"

P1: "AAAUUGH, IT WASN'T A DREAM IT-" 

DM: "I think we'll end the session there."

----------


## Lord Torath

P1: What a cute giant lizard that's trying to eat me!

later
P1: That is *not* cute!

----------


## Telok

Pc: "So, bag of Abyissal fire ants?"
Dm: "Sure."
Pc: "Yay! Imp familiar will be so happy."
Dm: "You know, out of the Abyss almost anything could happen. They could grow to enormous size."
Pc: "Sure. But Bob will probably put them in someone's armor or bedroll before its a problem."

Bob is the imp...

----------


## Telok

Seriously? A week!

"Wait. Among the party ranger, barbarian, and wilderness survival types... its the city slicker halfling got-drunk-shagged-something-woke-up-with-spells warlock who kept track that the sun rises in the east so that way is north?"

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*DM*: "As you land that second divine smite, you notice that the Marilith is covered in lipstick-kisses"   
*Paladin*: "Wait, do we have two of these to deal with, or is there someone else? {to the party} We have more coming - "
A *succubus* appears and promptly charms the party wizard (rolled a 1 on saving throw). 
*Paladin*: "Is that a succubus or a {censored}youbus?"
*Wizard*{casting _steel wind strike_ and attacking all party members}: "The latter"
*Spoiler: what did the paladin say?*
Show

The censored word isn't fuel truck, but the two words share some letters in common

----------


## Amidus Drexel

*P1*: "It was either here or summer school."
*P2*: "I was supposed to go to fat camp, but got on the wrong bus."
*P3*: "My mom just said to get in the car."

*P1*: "I love how we all independently decided to bully those NPCs."

*P1*: "Can we kill more people than the monster?"
*P2*: "Who's the real monster? Mike Myers, or _teenagers_?"

*P2*: "My giggling is now in-character."

*P1*: "I want someone to look at me the way P3 looked at those shoes."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*Warlock* (Celestial): "I've been thrown out of better bars than this!"

*Mayor*: "You've been banished" 
*Warlock*: "If you think you can, bring it - "
*Paladin*: "We are not going to slaughter the entire town guard, let's just go"
*Warlock*: {mutters under his breath} "You're no fun anymore"

----------


## Spore

> *DM:* "I could not deny our lord and savior Hatsune Miku."
> 
> *Knight:* "Insert jpop idol here."
> *DM:* "You're unsure whether jpop is canon."
> 
> *Knight:* "The passion he has for Hatsune Miku inspires me."
> 
> *Horse:* "I twirl my pistol shrimp and put it back into its holster."
> 
> ...



Biblically accurate Hatsune Miku.

----------


## Zevox

*whispered ominously in a character's ear* "If you use your noodle, you won't wind up in the soup. But then, you would know all about soup, wouldn't you?"

"Imagine you're in a war, and you have to take an enemy position, but you know doing so will get some civilians killed. And you don't want that to happen, but you have to make the decision that doing it will save more people than it will hurt. Now imagine there's a crazy homeless man who really loves swinging his fist around in front of him, and he really likes when people are standing right in front of him, so sometimes he does both at the same time. He's not trying to punch them, but he knows it's going to happen. I'm more like the second one than the first."

"So, what should I do?"
"In my professional opinion, you should start praying."

----------


## Telok

"Oh, right, clerics' s half elf. But you knew who I meant. Half elves don't have any defining traits, so he hangs around dwarves and he's a dwarf cleric just like the other one."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*Guard*: Stand down!
*Paladin*: Piss off!
*Wizard*: Great use of your charisma there, bud.  :Small Yuk:

----------


## togapika

*Paladin:*Get away from my emotional support twink!

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*Lore Bard*: _I want to see a dragon dance!_
*Spoiler: why he said that*
Show


He  just leveled up to 11 and chose Otto's Irresistible Dance

----------


## Amidus Drexel

*Paladin:* "Are you equating horses and elves?"
*Assassin:* "Elves are LIKE horses. They both have pointy ears and eat plants."
*Monk:* "If you re-arrange the letters in horse and elf it makes the same word."

"I'm going to refer to you as Julian Fries for the rest of the session."

"That's like soylent green with extra steps."

*Monk:* "We come in peace! pew pew!"

*Monk:* "What's the plural of hydra? Hydras?"
*Paladin:* "I think it's hydrae."
*Assassin:* "Ah, I forgot about Dre."

*Paladin:* "Give me one last stake before I uh..."
*Assassin:* "Before you bite it?"

"Can you put something in a headlock if it doesn't have a neck?"

----------


## Hagashager

"DO YOU NOT SEE THE SHREIKING TOWER OF BONES?!"

*said to multiple PCs by the party leader during a particularly intense fiasco.*

----------


## Milodiah

"I have a drop gun, we could plant it on the squirrel".

"It's time to start SNIFFING THE WAITSTAFF!"

"I mean, I can't condemn your drug use, given I've been drinking whiskey up here...maybe don't tell the client that."

----------


## DigoDragon

*Crit* & *Lily*: *_blows their stealth and are noticed by the enemy army_*
*General Grod*: "Hey! What's going on?"
*Rand*: "And I say Heyyy-yeyyy-yeyy-yeyy Hey-yeyy-yeyy-yeyy..."

*Sparks*: "Grabbing the gorilla is gonna be awkward for everyone involved."

*Beau*: "Whose faster? Sparks or Sylvie?"
*Sylvie*: "Me if I trip Sparks first."

*Beau*: *_crits on Eldritch Blast, killing the horse and knocking the rider off onto a wolf. Rider dies from the fall damage_*
*Sylvie*: "That still only counts as one!"

*GM*: "Roll a Religion check."
*Lily*: "Three."
*Beau*: "Ha! Two!"
*Rand*: "I rolled a 1."
*Sylvie*: "...not even gonna try."

*Sparks*: "Why is Lily living rent-free in your head?"

*Lily*: "I don't want to lose my faculties."
*Sparks*: "Yeah, we need the P.E. coach."

*Beau*: "What's that dotted line following us?"
*Party*: *_shrugs_*

*Sparks*: "They're either performing funeral rites or salting the bodies."

----------


## Telok

Barbarian standing in front of a 30' x 30' on the mat dragon: "They started it."
DM: "You can _hear_ his eyes roll."

DM: "Arrows of dragon slaying? About two grand each."
P1: "Ok, I've got twenty thousand laying around. Bankroll to fighter's ammo."

"It's D&D. You don't have to know anything about magic to be a caster. Make a pact, promise a soul, shag a dragon, twerk a fey. Bam! You got powers."

"See? Seven points of difference and the minus one charisma dwarf is still twice as persuasive as the warlock."

"So because the bless d4 was lower on the 20 that's the lower roll and apparently you didn't crit."

P1: "If they lay eggs we can take the eggs and raise them as minions."
P2: "Oh, yeah, we can mentally condition them from birth... well hatching." 
DM: "Really guys?"
P3: "You know we're not nice people don't you?"

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*Paladin:* "If a devil offers to help us against the eldritch being that embodies chaotic destruction, should we accept his offer if (1) we just tore up the temple where his cult worshipped him and (2) we just killed all of his cult's leaders?"  
*Wizard:* "We can at least listen to his offer. Ready to plane shift?" 
*Two other party members:* "What could possibly go wrong?"  :Small Yuk:

----------


## DCraw

Me: He runs away, giving you the finger
P1: I chase after him and throw him into the open sarcophagus
successful grapple
P2: I cut his finger off
Me: with your mace?
P2: I have a candle...

----------


## Persolus

*Local Equivalent of RCMP:* Say, how long have you folks been with that Tiefling there? Because a tiefling matching his description is wanted on suspicion for 30 murders and fled into the Aldani Basin a few weeks ago.
*Monk:* Oh, he's been travelling with us for _years,_ and _certainly would never do anything like that._
*Tiefling who officially hasn't told us his backstory yet:* ... yeah!

----------


## DigoDragon

*Sylvie*: "Your edition must be this tall to have unlimited cantrips."

*GM*: "Imagine if you will, a rhinoceros."
*Sparks*: *_hums The Twilight Zone theme_*
*GM*: *_glares at the kobold_*

*Merchant*: "So how did you come to partner with one of his..."
*Beau*: "Ilk?"
*Sparks*: "I'm not a cervidae."

*Child*: "He was taller than you, with pointy ears like her, but, like, much wider than anyone! Oh, and old twinkly eyes that still had life in them."
*Sparks*: "Well that still doesn't rule out Santa Claus."

*Sylvie*: "It's like a Red Bull enema, but you're out of network."

*Sparks*: "The cleric told me not to keep the spider in my pocket and I listened this time."

*Beau*: "Hey Sylvie? Our cleric is stoned."
*Sylvie*: "Well take away her joint!"
*Beau*: "No, I mean she's rock hard!"
*Sylvie*: "That is so much worse."

----------


## dysike

PC1: "At least we know the good guys will win in the end"
PC2: "Yes, but are we _completely_ sure that we're the good guys?"
PC3: "I feel like at this point we're just kind of... the guys"

and

"I feel like we should have chosen a PC with less unresolved trauma for this"

----------


## Telok

On sea elves: "Well they're screwed. Next species?"

On swimming: "It's D&D, boat trips are practically death sentences."

On stuff: "Do you still have the big hat?"  "It might not have survived the explosions."  "It's gear, it survived."

On talking: "Showing up in the public teleport circle with some cannons and a pile of corpses gets you that official attention really quickly."

----------


## KorvinStarmast

*DM*: "As you come to the end of the tunnel complex deep under the surface, you find a large cavern gently lit by glowing walls, possibly luminescent moss or fungus.  You enter a garden that includes a variety of plants, from the surface, that are each bathed in small light sources that help them to grow.  It brings a quiet beauty to scene." 

*Paladin*: "Fascinating to see how High Drow ponics is used to grow surface plants deep underground." 

*Rest of Party*: _grimaces_

----------


## Telok

P1: "Ok, so 'nuke it from orbit' isn't an option."
P2: "Well I just don't want to waste spells on it."

----------


## NRSASD

P1: Did you kill anyone for your hat?
P2: Not yet, but there's still time.

P1: Does it look like their clothes would come off easily if they died?

P2: Tell me who the WORST dressed person here is. I want to laugh at him.

P1: How long would it take to shave him?

----------

