# Forum > Play-by-Post Games > Message Board Games > TPAY/TPBY The "Rolled a 1" Game III - I Don't Want to Set This Thread on Fire

## +5 Vorpal Bunny

As before, from the original thread: 

There will be a posted skill check for a specific action each player will be taking, and the poster below you has to post a result from rolling a 1, or crit-failing, that took effect from their skill check. After that, the poster then posts a new skill check scenario.

For example, lets say the poster above you said that there is a skill check they are making to push an orc off a bridge. The poster below them would say that they rolled a 1, and instead they lightly caressed his back.

---------------------------------------------

+5 Vorpal Bunny successfully creates a new thread. However, he accidentally sets it on fire.

I roll to put out the fire!

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## Dire Moose

> Fire is technically an oxidation reaction and so you basically need electronegative molecules. So with hot chlorine, you can make fires that are really nasty to put out because they produce hydrochloric acid vapors that burn through the insulated suits.
> 
> Anyways, as for your roll, you devise an icepack that doesn't need any water. It's basically a frozen pillow.
> 
> I roll a spot check to find an icepack in the freezer.


You arent even looking in your freezer, so you actually pull a live badger out of its burrow and put it right up to your face. It starts clawing and biting you.

I roll to remove the badger.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

I remove the badger... who is also on fire! 

I roll to cook the badger for dinner.

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## Ironsmith

You start by marinating yourself in gasoli- waaaaaaait a minute.

I roll to tackle this guy before he immolates himself.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

Your impact ignites me and we both go up in flames! Yuuum, cannibal's barbeque!

I roll in the snow to put us both out!

----------


## Dire Moose

You wake up the Abominable Snowman and he eats you.

I roll to slay the Abominable Snowman with my +1 Sword of Stabbing.

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## The Outsider

You mix up your +1 Sword of Stabbing with your +1 Quill of Witty Insults. You end up hurting the Abominable Snowman's feelings instead of his vitals, and he retaliates by eating you as well.

I roll to cut the Snowman open with my trusty dagger and save these two.

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## bug_sniper

In your pocket, you had a candy cane instead of a dagger. It's not very effective in melee, even if you sharpen it with your tongue.

I roll to build a candy factory.

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## Book Wombat

You somehow create an anti-candy army which seeks out all confectionary creations and destroys them in a volcano.

I roll to save as many sweets as possible.

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## Ironsmith

They should be nice and safe in this volcano.

I roll to make more sweets.

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## The Outsider

You end up with a prosperous vegetable garden instead.

I roll to grow a spaghetti tree.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You attract a cult dedicated to the Flying Spaghetti Monster who wants to use your spaghetti tree to awaken the Old Ones.

I roll to stop their eldritch ritual.

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## Velaryon

You somehow end up as the cult's high priest, and the ensuing ritual awakens a Great Old One with you as the host body.

I roll to escape the cosmic horror that has possessed +5 Vorpal Bunny.

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## Ironsmith

*chomp*

I roll ro avoid being similarly eaten.

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## The Outsider

Technically, you succeed- you run into a completely different mouth, thus getting eaten in a different way. Still devoured, though.

I roll to join the previous two in getting eaten by the eldritch horror.

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## bug_sniper

The eldritch horror tosses you out of the pit of live animal offerings and eats the other animals whole. It won't oblige your suicidal desires.

I roll a will save to keep my sanity intact through this Lovecraftian episode.

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## Korith

All of your perceived reality collapses into a single point, an immutable, undeniable truth that you can't help but live out for the rest of your crazed days - the inescapable axiom that there's nothing yummier than a peanut butter and toenail sandwich.

I roll Astrogation to chart a hyperspace course for my X-Wing that takes us away from this madness

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You navigate us right into Abeloth's maw instead! Yeah, out of the frying pan and into the fire...

I roll to activate the Gellar Field before jumping into the Warp.

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## Dire Moose

Due to a sudden tachyon surge in the warp nacelles, the phase inducers completely depolarize and cause a subspace inversion within the warp field, which collapses and causes a chain reaction in the plasma conduits leading to a warp core breach.

I roll to beam the crew off the starship before it explodes.

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## The Outsider

You beam the entire crew directly into the center of a large asteroid hurtling through deep space. I'm not sure if they freeze, suffocate, or get shredded at a molecular level, but I do know it isn't pretty.

I roll to go back in time and use my sonic screwdriver to lower the ambient tachyon levels of the warp nacelles, reversing the polarity and fixing this whole mess before it could even happen.

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## Book Wombat

You fail at the first step and time travel to the future instead, during that time your space coordinates got mixed up and you appear in deep space.

I roll to rescue The Outsider from this predicament.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

I appear in a DeLorean and bring us back to the past. Judging by those giant feathered reptiles though, I may have sent us a bit far back...
And what is that meteor doing over there?

I roll to adjust the time travel coordinates to just before this whole Lovecraftian craziness went down.

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## Dire Moose

You travel to the beginning of time itself and are immediately vaporized by the shockwave of the Big Bang.

I roll to put the shattered pieces of the time-space continuum back together.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

It's totally patchwork with tons of wormholes and different points in time and space overlapping each other and just in general wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.

I roll to regenerate into a ginger.

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## The Outsider

You instead regenerate into a mass of ginger root. Tasty!

I roll to start a flame in someone's heart.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

They get a really, _really_ bad case of heartburn. 

I roll to build a phaser-blaster-bolter-sonic screwdriver supergun!

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## Korith

It explodes while you're taking your lunch break. It's not even a spectacular explosion...just more of a _piff_. But it leaves you with a metal pipe you can bang things with.

I roll to tell the funniest joke ever heard.

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## Ironsmith

HERE LIES COMEDY
       DIED 2021
THANKS A LOT, KORITH


I roll to rebuild comedy.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

I don't get it.

I roll to haggle over the price of a bauble.

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## The Outsider

You scream incoherently at the bauble vendor for a while, before throwing all your money at them and running away. Without the bauble.

I roll to console the confused and traumatized bauble vendor.

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## Korith

They fade into an irreversible insanity and disappear from civilized society.

I roll to set this thread on fire.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

As the title says, +5 Vorpal Bunny doesn't want to do that. They stop you easily.

I roll to fry a turkey.

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## Ironsmith

Seeing Vorpal giving you a death glare, you decide to try a new variation on a certain meme and slap the turkey until it is cooked.

The thread is aflame anyway.

I roll to slap Dr Gunsforhands.

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## The Outsider

You instead end up slapping Vorpal.

I roll to start a no-holds-barred slapfight.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

Everyone has flamethrowers... it ends like you'd expect.

I roll to tame the flames to make my own fire elemental companion.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

AAAAA YOU SUCCEED AT CONJURING A FIRE ELEMENTAL BUT YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT AAAAA

I roll to run away!

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## Book Wombat

You stumble, do a backflip right into the fire elemental and become very crispy.

I roll to create water to destroy the elemental.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You create a container filled with 2/3rds parts hydrogen and 1/3rd part oxygen. The problem? They're separated. You end up fueling the fire elemental even further!

I roll to raise an earth elemental to contain the fire elemental.

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## The Outsider

You end up fusing the two together, creating a lava elemental. Now it not only lights everything on fire, but it also hits with the force of a sledgehammer!

I roll to have my air elemental spirit me away from this literal flaming disaster.

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## Ironsmith

The air elemental joins it! Now it can fly!

I roll to throw a water elemental at it.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

The water elemental shoves you away and reports you for sexual harassment.

I roll to establish Ironsmith's intent at the time of the incident.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

He said he wanted to get the fire-earth-air elemental 'wet'. They take it totally the wrong way.

I roll to go into the Avatar State and unite the four elementals.

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## The Outsider

Just as you're about to unleash your elemental will, somebody strikes you in the chest with a bolt of lightning, knocking you out of the Avatar State and nearly killing you. What a jerk!

I roll to heal Vorpal's lightning wound with mystical spirit water.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You somehow try healing me with cactus juice instead! I do a crazy unconscious hallucinating dance while the elementals are doing their thing. It'll quench ya!

I roll to convince the elementals to drink cactus juice.

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## Ironsmith

The elemental is touched by your offer, but you pass out halfway through and land face-first in a pool of cactus juice.

I roll to defend myself at the trial of _Ironsmith v. Water_.

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## Dire Moose

You get sentenced to death by firing squad.

I roll to shoot Ironsmith.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

Don't worry! I'll-

*click* *click*

...

I roll to find some ammunition.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

Here try these cotton candy bullets, I'm sure nothing will go wr-
_*whooosh!*_ I might have set your gun on fire. Again. I really got to stop doing that.

I roll to find a new running gag.

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## Ironsmith

You get slapped by a water elemental, which is promptly vaporized, killing it deader than dead.

I roll to be executed by water elemental firing squad.

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## Velaryon

You instead meet death at the hands of the Fire Elemental Watering Squad, who mistake you for a plane and use their fireproof watering cans which are unfortunately full of cactus juice.

I roll to understand how Dr. Gunsforhands reloads.

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## Book Wombat

By watching Dr. Gunsforhands reload, you make them nervous which in turn leads to them accidentally blowing up the gun right in their face.

I roll to block the flying shrapnel.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

Your lungs and belly get impaled by shrapnel in the shape of a smiley face.

I roll to heal Wombat with aforementioned spirit water.

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## Ironsmith

*sprt, sprt*

That's the sound of a water gun not healing injuries.


I roll to beam everyone up to sick bay.

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## bug_sniper

You teleport everyone onto the conveyor belt in the trash compactor room.

I roll to press the emergency stop button.

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## The Outsider

You instead press the button that empties the entirety of the room into a pit full of crocodiles. Why do we even _have_ that button?

I roll to write an Emperor's New Groove/Star Trek fanfiction.

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## Ironsmith

Kirk and Yzma? I... erg...

I roll to keep my vomit confined to an acceptable vessel, like a trash can or toilet.

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## bug_sniper

The building now looks like a level of Viscera Cleanup Detail, with vomit everywhere and for some reason, there are body parts and bullets littering the floor too.

I roll to find every last stain to mop up and every last littered object to put in the incinerator.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

This nice transparent cube guy promised me he'd do it for free! Look at him go how nice of him umm why is he coming at me like tha-

I roll to blow up the gelatinous cube.

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## Korith

After absorbing your explosion, the gelatinous cube inflates like a balloon and is now a Colossal Gelatinous Cube with 60 Hit Dice. And also it somehow gained psychic powers.

I roll to resist the Cube's dominating psychic powers.

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## georger0171

The cube's dominating psychic powers don't work on you because you are now a mind flayer.
And now there's a nice juicy brain in front of you...

I roll to eat the brain.

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## Dire Moose

You attempt to eat a land mine by mistake and your head explodes.

I roll to parachute behind enemy lines.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

The enemy finds a Dire Moose-shaped crater in the middle of their camp.

I roll to bug out!

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You literally turn into a giant insect. I don't think that was what you had in mind...

I roll to transform and roll out.

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## georger0171

You transform into Cthulhu and commit suicide.

I roll to resurrect myself.

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## Dire Moose

You reanimate yourself into a really hideous zombie.

I roll to bowl with a mole and a foal while avoiding a gnoll and a troll in a hole full of coal (they charge a toll, and you pay with your soul).

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## georger0171

Your rampant rhyming causes the local population of animals to become enraged.

I roll to escape the animals.

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## Velaryon

You are trampled by a herd of cattle and carried off as prey by a grizzly bear.

I roll to organize a search party for georger0171.

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## The Outsider

You manage to convince the Town Council that no one should ever look for georger0171, and that evidence of the whole thing should be buried as deep as possible.

I roll to find the truth, and expose this coverup.

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## georger0171

You find me... but I'm now an eldritch demon.

I roll to obliterate the universe.

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## Ironsmith

*laughs in big bang*

I roll to be a space pirate.

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## georger0171

Instead, you become a space privateer and accidentally blow up a planet.

I roll to capture the mass-murderer.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

It turns out the culprit was an eldritch demon!

I roll to slip past a security camera undetected.

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## georger0171

You fail miserably, alerting the CIA, FBI, MI6, KGB, Mossad, and everyone in the building.

I roll to capture the intruder!

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You catch him with a Pokeball! I guess you're his trainer now...

I roll to find out his stats and moves.

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## Book Wombat

You instead find the Necronomicon and die with an expression of horror after looking at the first page.

I roll to seal the Necronomicon forever away.

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## georger0171

You instead unleash its dark power and turn everyone on the planet into eldritch horrors from beyond the void.

I roll to conquer the universe.

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## A Human

> You instead unleash its dark power and turn everyone on the planet into eldritch horrors from beyond the void.
> 
> I roll to conquer the universe.


You have a great start, subduing a particularly developed region of the galaxy with several sentient and advanced species, but logistics and overextension on such a grand scale make it hard to subdue rebellions and outright impossible to expand much further. While the area you did conquer prospered under the new order and its security, your conquests revert in a few decades after you pass away due to instability and incompetent successors.

I roll to destroy the legacy of the Georger Empire and promote the new independence of the worlds once under it.

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## georger0171

You accidentally recreate the Georger Empire and now, it's apparently immune to logistical problems!

I roll to subdue the civilizations under my control.

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## A Human

You are decisively defeated by a coalition of the powers that sprung up in the wake of the empire's first collapse, and for the third time you're back to square one.

I roll to explore a derelict and abandoned Georger military base for information on the fallen empire and a better idea of its legacy.

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## georger0171

You find a superweapon, attempt to fire it, and it blows up.

I attempt to smoke some weed.

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## Dire Moose

You roll up a joint, put it in your mouth and light it. Suddenly your hands and mouth start itching so badly you feel like theyre on fire. You drop the burning plant in your lap as you realize you just tried to smoke poison ivy, and your pants promptly catch fire.

I roll to treat georger0171s injuries.

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## Korith

You are now on fire. And so is this thread. (Mission accomplished).

I roll to dial 911 to alert the fire department.

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## A Human

> You are now on fire. And so is this thread. (Mission accomplished).
> 
> I roll to dial 911 to alert the fire department.


You successfully get to your phone and begin to dial the number. The 9 goes in well - so far, so good - wait. Your phone's lagging! You keep pressing the '1' key in frustration... until after a minute, those two 1s appear. Breathing a sigh of relief, you hit 'call'... but seven more ones appear and you call a completely different number. In fact, it turns out to be the number of someone who enjoys arson. You didn't look at this at the time, however, and so as this person picks up, you call them for help and give them your location. Then, you hang up...

... And a few minutes later, this person shows up with a flamethrower and uses it to help burn what isn't already ablaze. You have officially made the problem worse.

I roll to add fuel to the thread-fire.

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## georger0171

You accidentally add a metric ton of trinitrotroluene, and now the thread is blown up. 

I roll to collect the pieces of the thread and put them back together.

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## Ironsmith

You find some (melted, undetonated) trinitrotulene and try to hammer is into place.

I roll to find the bits of georger and try to put them back togethet.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

Wait, don't step- *crunch*

I roll to design a flying car!

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## Dire Moose

You insist on testing the prototype yourself by flying it over the Grand Canyon. The engine stalls out halfway through, causing you to fall thousands of feet and crash to the ground far below.

I roll to walk my dog.

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## georger0171

You walk your dog right into some nuclear waste, creating a Godzilla-esque abomination.

I roll to subdue the abomination!

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## Book Wombat

You manage to kill it after a long battle but unfortunately when the abomination dies it resurrects with ten times the power.

I roll to negate this ability.

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## georger0171

You try to negate it... Crud. 
And now it's _growing_?

I roll to escape the planet before this monstrosity can destroy it.

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## Dire Moose

Your ship explodes on the launchpad.

I roll to summon Cthulhu and get him to fight off the abomination.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

Yes on the first part, no on the second.

I roll to accept the world's inevitable fate of being crushed to rubble.

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## georger0171

You turn into the world's last hope... And _will you look at that_, it's a Gundam with the keys still in the driver's seat.

I roll to lie down and die.

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## Kerching

While the abomination, Cthulu, and Dr. Gunsforhands battle it out, you get launched into outer space, towards a black hole so massive you accelerate closer and closer to the speed of light, never reaching the event horizon, unable to do anything but reflect on your life for all of eternity...

I roll to raise Dr. Gunsforhands to his rightful status of God-Emperor of Mankind.

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## Dire Moose

You send him into the Warp without a Gellar Field. Or a spaceship. Or any clothes, for that matter.

I roll to slam-dunk a basketball.

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## bug_sniper

Somehow, a collision between the basket and the ball results in a tremendous superelastic collision. The ball rebounds into the other side of the court and lands in the basket there. The referee gives the other team 3 points for an own goal.

I roll to treat my insanity resulting from the abominations in the recent posts.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

hr=h=6434=nfh=5yOMGWTFBBQ:O^_^cccapf4322m;zmbma.aa  aaa..!!!11!

I roll to drive the abominations insane.

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## georger0171

You drive yourself insane and murder a large percentage of this thread.

I roll to strengthen containment in Site-19.

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## Kerching

*Spoiler: More realistic answer*
Show

██ [REDACTED] [REDACTED] ████ ██ ███ [DATA EXPUNGED] ██

You release SCP-682, tape a picture of SCP-096 onto SCP-173, and Dr. Bright does Dr. Bright.

I roll to impersonate an 05.

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## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You end up impersonating a D-class assigned to cleaning up after SCP-173. 

I roll to insert the contents of this thread into SCP-914 on 'Very Fine'.

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## georger0171

You accidentally put it through on "Rough", and the thread comes out in pieces, and on fire. Again.

I roll to clean up this mess.

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## Velaryon

You knock the thread over, causing the fire to spread and various monsters, body parts, and other sundry bits of mess to scatter throughout the entire forum.

I roll to hire a cleaning service.

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## Dire Moose

You hire a demolition team instead and dont realize it until the wrecking ball crashes into your house.

I roll to send SCP-2700 into SCP-2935 via remote-operated drone (that universe is lifeless, and SCP-2700 wont be in ours anymore). I explicitly dont send anything living inside and seal the entrance back up afterward.

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## Ironsmith

You take a wrong turn and end up in 914's intake chamber, with the setting on Coarse.

I roll to not start the machine.

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## georger0171

You start the machine and you get a melted pile of organic slurry at the other end.

I roll to eat some eggs.

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## Book Wombat

You manage to get them in your throat but not further. 
R.I.P. 

I roll to make a disgusting meal.

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## Dire Moose

You bake a cake that tastes so good that it overloads your senses and blows out every neuron in your brain. R.I.P.

After my emergency backup Amulet of Resurrection goes off and I finish being reconstituted from a pile of organic slurry, I roll to shove Ironsmith into a wood chipper.

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## georger0171

You put _yourself_ in the wood chipper and your emergency backup backup Amulet of Resurrection is triggered.

I roll to get one of those nifty Amulets of Resurrection for myself.

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## Book Wombat

You buy one for what you think is an amazing bargain, although the shopkeeper never guaranteed it would work...

I roll to exchange the broken Amulet for a functioning one.

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## Dire Moose

You exchange it for a functioning amulet. Its a perfectly functional Amulet of Attracting Angry Swarms of Bees.

I roll to do something that doesnt involve becoming a pile of blood and gore.

@V: Im running out of amulets here!

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## georger0171

You get SCP-096rolled and are quickly tracked down by the "Shy Guy."

I roll to terminate SCP-682.

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## Ironsmith

*Item:* Twenty-sided die, all sides painted with "1".

*Termination Test Results:* Dr Georger entered SCP-682's enclosure and began pelting SCP-682 with the aforementioned die. Dr Georger was immediately devoured for his trouble.

_Coroner's Note: I'm putting down "natural selection" as the cause of death._



I roll to lead a technological revolution.

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## Book Wombat

You manage to destruct all the mediums of knowledge and kill all relevant people setting humanity's technology hundreds of years back.

I roll to survive in this new age.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

* Book Wombat died of dysentery.

I roll to reinvent penicillin.

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## Ironsmith

Anthrax is _like_ penicillin, right?

I roll to make antibiotics.

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## georger0171

You make meth.
Poisoned meth.

I roll to use that leftover Gundam that Dr.Gunsforhands fought Cthulhu and Godzilla in.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

Ordinarily you wouldn't have to roll at all, but I changed some of the controls to suit my fighting style and I didn't label which ones I remapped to, 'blow my own arms and legs off.'

I roll to make popcorn!

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## georger0171

You make a mountain of popcorn, crushing every living thing within a 500km radius of this thread.

I roll to eat the popcorn.

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## bug_sniper

> I roll to make popcorn!


Maize kernels inside a wad of bubble gum are not popcorn.




> I roll to eat the popcorn.


You chip your teeth on hard kernels that didn't get popped.

I roll a knowledge (planes) check to figure out where I am.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

You're in the Star Trek mirror universe.

I roll to grow a goatee.

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## georger0171

You grow a... goat?

I roll to kill said goat.

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## bug_sniper

Your pistol had only 1 bullet, which rebounds off the boulder behind the goat and hits your teeth. The terrified goat runs away and you have 2 more chipped teeth.

I roll find a dentist for georger0171.

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## Dire Moose

You find Dr. Gunsforhands.

I roll to dig up dinosaur bones.

----------


## georger0171

You dig up a live dinosaur., which promptly bites your head off.

I roll to start Jurassic Park.

----------


## Ironsmith

You start Jurassic Park.

I roll to outrun the dinos.

----------


## Kerching

Oh no! Looks like an enemy spy who totally isn't acting on my orders has opened all the security doors! Including the ones to the Tyrannosaurus Rex holding pens you decided to run to! I sure hope you have better plot armor than Gennaro!

I roll to use the mayhem to assassinate Georger and Book Wobmat for their signatures. Why do you have to have _so many_ darn spoilers?

----------


## georger0171

You accidentally assassinate a moderator.

I roll to use my Phoenix Wright-like attorney skills to defend Kerching at trial.

----------


## Ironsmith

Objection! You can't defend someone in court without a license to practice law!

Fortunately, he's able to settle out of court. It only cost him an arm and a leg. Speaking of which...

I roll to amputate cleanly and painlessly.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

A nurse and an anesthesiologist have perfectly marked the area and numbed the patient so that you can do just that. So, naturally, you perform the operation on the wrong person entirely.

I roll to smuggle Kerching out of the country before their creditors realize what happened.

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## georger0171

You smuggle Kerching off this planet entirely and leave him to have his blood boiled in the cold vacuum of space.

I roll to get a law license.

----------


## Kerching

You are forever trapped in line at the RMV, trying to get a driver's license. 

I roll to get picked up by a passing alien.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You successfully spot a passing starship and get into its path. Its pilots still don't notice you. You splat against the vessel's reinforced bow.

I roll to bake a lemon muffin.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get the ingredients mixed up wrong and somehow end up baking it with extremely toxic jungle fruit instead of lemons.

I roll to [DATA EXPUNGED].

----------


## georger0171

[DATA EXPUNGED] [REDACTED] 
MTF Omega-7 "Pandora's Box" was dispatched to contain the [REDACTED]

I roll to make the US communist.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

*[Dr. Gunsforhands was banned for too much real-world politics]*

I roll to hack the server and fix my account.

----------


## Dire Moose

You crash the entire website and delete it permanently. Attempting to fix this causes the server to burst into flames.

I roll to call the fire department.

----------


## georger0171

You somehow set the _fire station_ on fire through the phone line... What the heck?

I roll to get a fire extinguisher.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a flamethrower.

I roll a Strength (Athletics) check or Dexterity (Acrobatics) check to kick the flamethrower out of georger's hands before he burns down the rest of the office.

----------


## Dire Moose

You kick the flamethrower right in the fuel tank, breaking it and causing all the fuel to ignite at once. It explodes and the entire room is now on fire.

I roll to rescue the people trapped by the flames.

----------


## bug_sniper

You've got the place burned so thoroughly that the bodies are indiscernible from the ceiling ashes, rescuing the arsonist from a murder conviction.

I roll to rebuild over the open lot that was once an office.

----------


## georger0171

You build an office. A haunted office.

I roll to call the Ghostbusters.

----------


## Book Wombat

You dial in the number a few lines above the Ghostbusters in the telephone book and call some ghosts instead. They become friends rather quickly with your current hauntings.

I roll to exorcise these ghosts.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a lot of exercise running away from the ghosts after you fail your initial will save vs fear.

I roll to use the spell Command Undead on the ghosts.

----------


## georger0171

You command them alright. Command them to set the thread on fire(again)

I roll to summon Cthulhu.

----------


## Korith

You summon Cthulhu's baby sister, Emma. She manifests on your forehead and has a voracious appetite. She plays with your dreams much like a toddler plays with a train set, and occasionally you find yourself teleported to places she finds interesting.

I roll to investigate the strange phenomenon of georger0171 being inside the sarcophagus of a forgotten pharaoh during its opening in an Egyptian museum clean room.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get cursed with mummy rot and crumble to dust.

I roll to perform a demonic ritual.

----------


## georger0171

You perform a holy ritual and turn the ocean into holy water.

I roll to punch through the fourth wall.

----------


## Book Wombat

You get sucked into a nearby book and turn into one of the side characters losing your memories in the process. No more fourth wall breaking for you.

I roll to save georger0171 from their predicament.

----------


## georger0171

You try to enter a book to save me from my predicament, then realize you do not know how to enter a book. It only makes matters worse when you start jumping up and down on top of _The Two Towers_ and the librarian asks you to leave.

I roll to save Book Wombat from his foolishness.

----------


## Ironsmith

Without fourth wall powers, you end up pelting him with dice.

I roll to lmao.

----------


## Dire Moose

You laugh your head off instead and die of decapitation.

I roll to play guitar.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get played by a guitar. It stole your wallet!

I roll to draw an original character.

----------


## georger0171

You end up stabbing yourself in the brain with a pencil, and your ghost hears lawyers planning to sue your corpse for copyright infringement.

I roll to commit eat tortilla chip vertically.

----------


## Korith

Somehow you now have a tortilla nose ring. And you picked a lime-flavored tortilla.

I roll to insert this thread into the vending machine with the help of TPBM.

----------


## georger0171

You insert this thread into your nose.

I roll to pull the thread out of Korith's nose.

----------


## bug_sniper

You pull a tooth out of his mouth.

I roll to give korinth a dental implant to replace it.

----------


## Dire Moose

You give him a Borg implant instead. It assimilates him. He then assimilates you.

I roll to win the game.

----------


## Ironsmith

You just lost the game!

I roll to revive dead memes.

----------


## bug_sniper

Lawyers follow your twitter account with prejudice and send takedown notices to every dead meme post you try to retweet.

I roll a str(Intimidation) check to forcefully convince the DM that intimidation should use your strength and not your charisma.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

She rules that causal paradoxes are busted and aren't allowed in her campaign.

I roll to fix a mysterious hole in reality.

----------


## georger0171

You cause the Big Crunch, the Big Rip, and the Big Freeze to happen all at once.

I roll to post a meme.

----------


## Book Wombat

You instead post a boring ten page long history essay.

I roll to hack into all the major countries' databases.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

_...all_ of them? That sounds like a lot of work for the GM. It's easier to say you just get in trouble with whichever one can hurt you the most.

I roll to turn off the internet.

----------


## georger0171

You create an NK-class "Grey Goo" scenario.

I roll to contain the nanobots.

----------


## Dire Moose

You try to eat the nanobots. They use the opportunity to take over your brain, effectively turning you into a Borg drone.

I roll to shoot the Borg before it assimilates me.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

It assimilates you, then you shoot yourself and die. No one is happy with this.

I roll to bake a cake for a tiger.

----------


## QuantumFlash

You accidentally bake the tiger into the cake, which otherwise turns out fantastic. It starts a new craze for baking endangered species. 

I roll to capitalize on this new market.

----------


## georger0171

You accidentally turn the world into a communist agrarian society.

I roll to become the Exalted Holy God-Emperor of the Multiverse.

----------


## Korith

You become the Exalted Holy God-Emperor of the Teenyverse, which is a universe in a universe in Rick's car battery.

I roll to speed up Rick and Morty season 5.

----------


## Dire Moose

You accidentally set fire to the production studios.

I roll to stop setting things on fire.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

They were always burnin' since the world's been turnin'.

I roll to fall asleep.

----------


## Korith

You lay there, your thoughts wandering about as so many droplets befall a rainforest in a year. Sleep teases you from some distant horizon which eternally eludes your grasp. Eventually you decide to just turn on the TV and watch a marathon of infomercials from the 1970s until once again day breaks, and you haven't slept a wink.

I roll Perform (Bagpipes) to welcome the new day.

----------


## Asmotherion

> You lay there, your thoughts wandering about as so many droplets befall a rainforest in a year. Sleep teases you from some distant horizon which eternally eludes your grasp. Eventually you decide to just turn on the TV and watch a marathon of infomercials from the 1970s until once again day breaks, and you haven't slept a wink.
> 
> I roll Perform (Bagpipes) to welcome the new day.


You play what sounds like a Truck Horn, which causes a major accident just outside your house, and a car ends up in your kitchen. And, no, insurance won't cover the damages. 

I Roll to make a cup of coffee.

----------


## Dire Moose

You make a cup of superheated plasma and dont realize this until your entire digestive system has been seared to a crisp.

I roll to fix the warp engines.

----------


## georger0171

You create a rip in the space-time continuum.

I roll to eat the universe.

----------


## Trondor

> You create a rip in the space-time continuum.
> 
> I roll to eat the universe.


     As you reach through the multiversal rift in order to consume the universe inside, you realize your hand isn't large enough so you go for the earth instead. As you reach out, you feel a large shadow covering your back. You look upward to see your own hand, outstretched over the entirety of the earth. You grab it, and panic breaks out worldwide.
     You begin to pull the earth out from the rift, and you feel yourself shifting as you pull the earth away. As your hand crosses the threshold out of the rift, the earth exits the universe it is in and enters the larger one. This happens infinitely. You broke reality.

I roll to reboot the simulation.

----------


## bug_sniper

You enter the task manager to try to kill the universe simulator. A popup appears and says "This operation could not be completed. Access is denied." And you can't turn off or restart the computer because it became sentient and learned to power itself.

I roll to destroy this computer to end the simulation.

----------


## Dire Moose

I cant let you do that, Dave.

With that, the computer blows you out an airlock.

I roll to kill SCP-682.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

It wakes up and destroys the world. Don't feel too bad; this would have happened eventually even if you'd rolled a 20.

I roll to build a new planet to live on.

----------


## Ironsmith

*black hole'd*

I roll to be a superhero.

----------


## Dire Moose

You decide to expose yourself to a concentrated bust of radioactive particles in order to give yourself superpowers. After all, it worked in all those comic books you... oh, wait. You just melted. Oops.

I roll to clean the nasty reddish goo out of the particle accelerator.

----------


## georger0171

You eat the nasty red goo and turn into nastier red goo. And now the red goo is self-replicating...

I roll to prevent an NK-class "Grey Goo" scenario by deploying all the MTFs and having them shoot at the goo.

----------


## bug_sniper

The SCP Foundation gives up on the current timeline. They use SCP-2003 in advance to go to an earlier date to rig the particle accelerator, making it explode before Ironsmith can get melted in it. The sabotage is blamed on Asmotherion and the superheated plasma he made in the coffee pot.

I roll to stop Ironsmith from wrecking another timeline.

----------


## Ironsmith

Um... it was like this when I got here.

I roll to blaive.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You start a J-Rock band. You find a vocalist named Jeckyll, a guitarist named Pretty and a drummer named Sorrow. They make thoroughly average perform checks and your Youtube channel sucks.

I roll to insert unnecessary apostrophes everywhere.

----------


## Dire Moose

You completely butcher your attempt at speaking Klingon by not including enough apostrophes. You just inadvertently told the Klingon ambassador that his mother is a disgusting pile of garbage who sleeps with wild animals. He tears your head off with his bare hands.

I roll to reattach Dr. Gunsforhandss head.

----------


## bug_sniper

You remove the guns on his arms.

I roll to upgrade Dr. Gunsforhands by attaching tank cannons to his arms.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

Now I have heads for hands and a cannon for a head!

I roll to make friends with the head on my other arm.

----------


## Dire Moose

Its actually a Tyrannosaurus Rex head and it bites your regular head off.

I roll to get a picture of the Loch Ness Monster.

----------


## Ironsmith

...Moose, that's a pickle.

I roll to make memes.

----------


## georger0171

You get turned into a shadow demon at 2am looking for *BEANS*.

I roll to get infinite good karma.

----------


## Dire Moose

You start by brutally killing 15 puppies, 7 kittens and a baby. Well, I suppose you get plenty of some kind of karma...

I roll to track down the homicidal maniac responsible for the murders of a small child and 22 family pets.

----------


## Ironsmith

...Moose.

That is a pickle.


I roll to find the Pet Semetary.

----------


## bug_sniper

Ironsmith, that's a pickle factory.

I role to write about SCP-586  without making a typo somewhere.

----------


## BaconTomato

You type with your fingers offset one key to the right and thus get every single letter wrong before you notice.

I roll to comprehend the report bug_sniper wrote.

----------


## georger0171

You go mad from trying to comprehend what this eldritch tome has truly become.

I roll to cure Dire Moose's pickle problem.

----------


## Ironsmith

You cure a pickle of its dire moose problem. No, I don't mean Dire Moose; I'm talking about a completely different moose, which happens to be dire.

I roll to find a pickle.

----------


## Dire Moose

You find a dire moose. It tramples, bites, and gores you.

I roll to figure out where I am.

----------


## georger0171

Moose.

That is not a compass.

It is a pickle.

I roll to summon the unholy elder god Cthulhu.

----------


## bug_sniper

You summon a pickled sea cucumber.

I roll an athletics check to run away from the pickles.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You trip over a pickle, into a pickle bucket, which tips over and rolls down the street into a pickle truck bound for the pickle warehouse.

I roll to get my name changed to Dr. T. Rexhead.

----------


## Ironsmith

Your name is changed to "Mister Treexhead". You heard that right; no doctorate for you!

I roll to go build something.

----------


## georger0171

...Ironsmith, that's a pickle.

I roll to change the pickles to olives.

----------


## Dire Moose

Georger0171.

Those are bananas.

I roll to do a high dive.

----------


## Ironsmith

You attempt to dive into a pool of pickle brine, naturally. You actually end up diving into concrete. From eighty feet up.

I roll to lure someone to my workbench.

----------


## bug_sniper

2 hours later, a party of 4 adventurers fell into your pickling vat.

I roll to open a door to get out of here.

----------


## BaconTomato

In your haste, you tear the door handle out of the door and knock yourself unconscious with it.

I roll to reattach the door handle.

----------


## Ironsmith

Sure. You just get your screwdriver pickle and use it to screw the doorknob pickle back into the door other pickle.

I roll to terminate the running gag.

----------


## Dire Moose

You attempt to gag a running Terminator. It objects to this and shoots you.

I roll to create a documentary about prehistoric creatures.

----------


## georger0171

You create _Jurassic Park_ and get sued for 300 billion dollars, your soul, and your firstborn child.

I roll to object to the lawsuit, _Phoenix Wright_ style.

----------


## BaconTomato

You get flogged by a mysteriously-tolerated whip-wielding lawyer.

I roll to roll a die.

----------


## Ironsmith

You do a perfect flip. Right off the roof.

I roll to find a pot of gold.

----------


## georger0171

You are mauled viciously by a pack of wild leprechauns.

I roll to recurse.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You are re-cursed!

I roll to change a tire.

----------


## Dire Moose

You fail to set the car jack properly. The car falls on you and crushes you.

I roll to craft a magic sword.

----------


## georger0171

You craft a cursed butter knife.

I roll to do something completely safe.

----------


## Ironsmith

You lock yourself inside a safe. An airtight, nigh-impregnable, otherwise empty safe.

I roll to barrel.

----------


## Book Wombat

You end up hanging by a fraying rope over a forest fire from a broken helicopter piloted by a blind person inside a hailstorm. 

I roll to save George.

Well damn it.

You bowl instead.

I roll to sleep.

----------


## georger0171

You OD on sleeping pills.

I roll to compose some music!

----------


## Dire Moose

Your music sounds like owlbears belting out mating calls while scraping their claws across chalkboards.

I roll to STOP THAT TERRIBLE UNGODLY NOISE!!!

----------


## BaconTomato

You instead record that ungodly noise and upload it to youtube.

I roll to plant a tree.

----------


## georger0171

You set the tree on fire, plant it upside down, and drizzle it with toxic waste like some poorly-made birthday cake.

I roll to stop the upside-down tree monster from devouring Cleveland.

----------


## BaconTomato

You stop Cleveland from devouring the upside-down tree monster.  Congratulations!

I roll to climb the upside-down tree monster.

----------


## georger0171

You try to climb a completely normal tree upside-down. Not surprisingly, this has disastrous consequences.

i ROLL TO TURN OFF MY CAPSLOCK KEY.

----------


## Dire Moose

Y BRK A BNCH 0F 0THR KYS.

I roll to potato.

----------


## Book Wombat

You carrot do that.

I roll to eat said carrot.

----------


## georger0171

You stick the carrot up your nose. How do you like them apples?

I roll to eat the aforementioned apples.

----------


## bug_sniper

You eat the aforementioned pickles. Thankfully, that running gag is now over.

I roll to push a boulder off of a road.

----------


## georger0171

The boulder turns out to be a galeb duhr and it runs over you.

I roll to clean up bug_sniper's gooey remains.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get run over by a truck.

I roll to enjoy a day at the beach.

----------


## georger0171

You get eaten by a shark.

I roll to restart _all_ the running gags.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

...you can't remember any.

I roll to write a great novel!

----------


## georger0171

You write the scriptures of Cthulhu, causing any who view them to go mad.

I roll to carry Dr. Gunsforhands to the asylum.

----------


## ziproot

You break your back trying to pick up Dr. Gunsforhands.

I roll to call an ambulance.

----------


## Ironsmith

*knock knock* Pizza delivery!

Wait, is someone hurt? Good thing I know CPR! *rolls*

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You huff, and you puff, and you give them mouth-to-mouth so hard that their lungs explode.

I roll to fill out the legal forms for enrolling in the asylum.

----------


## ziproot

You enroll Ironsmith into the asylum.

I roll to correct this.

----------


## georger0171

You write several sensory cognitohazards, plus Xerox SCP-096's face onto the papers. 

I roll to become Dr. Bright.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get demoted to D-class and assigned to watch SCP-173.

I roll to kill SCP-682.

----------


## georger0171

You cause Site-19 to collapse into a ball 1mm in diameter, which 682 promptly eats.

I roll to play a game of _SCP: Secret Laboratory_.

----------


## Ironsmith

Go directly to 682's containment chamber. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.

I roll to dismantle all anomalies.

----------


## totadileplayz

All of The Anomolies have now vowed to kill you, to thank you for the upgrades they have just recieved. 

I Roll to drink cranberry juice.

----------


## Dire Moose

One reddish liquid is the same as another, right?

You drink bromine instead, which burns your digestive system really badly and kills you via poisoning.

I roll to properly label the hazardous chemicals this time.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

If you drink them, eventually you can label them all as urine!

I roll to fit my garbage in a full dumpster.

----------


## georger0171

You try and fit a full dumpster in a garbage bag. You waste 40 garbage bags and eventually burn the garbage.

I roll to scold Dr. Gunsforhands for furthering global warming.

----------


## Dire Moose

You babble something about interstellar dinosaurs instead.

I roll to find out if interstellar dinosaurs are real.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You try and fit a full dumpster in a garbage bag. You waste 40 garbage bags and eventually burn the garbage.
> 
> I roll to scold Dr. Gunsforhands for furthering global warming.


You are pretty sure interstellar dinosaurs are not real, as you sit inside a fleshy room slowly being digested. 

I Roll to Destroy Za Worldo!!

----------


## Dire Moose

You miss and blow up Pluto instead. Well at least we can be sure it isnt a planet now...

I roll to pass a biology test.

----------


## Ironsmith

Every organ in a frog is called a gloobok and your biology teacher can't convince you otherwise.

I roll to achieve godhood.

----------


## bug_sniper

You achieve doghood and turn into a canine.

I roll to figure out which sinister entity it is that is making everyone roll ones.

----------


## georger0171

You find out that the dice are weighted, and while going to get new ones get hit by a car.

I roll to turn this thread into a sitcom.

----------


## Ironsmith

It's a hard-boiled noire drama now.

I roll to reverse that effect.

----------


## Dire Moose

Its now a dark gritty post-apocalyptic survival drama.

I roll to scavenge weapons and food from the abandoned military base before the zombies notice Im there.

----------


## georger0171

You accidentally pick up a red pill from _The Matrix_... and the genre changes again.

I roll to visit the Oracle.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You leave the sunken valley without seeing them. You guess they weren't home? ...so you showered?

I roll to scavenge crafting materials from the make-a-plush workshop before the zombies realize we were never in the military base.

----------


## Dire Moose

They had already crafted a bunch of zombie teddy bears at the workshop. The cute fluffy abominations tear you apart and eat you.

I roll to remember who I am and what I was doing here.

----------


## BaconTomato

You decide that you're one of the zombie teddy bears, and present yourself to your apparent zombie masters for cuddles accordingly.

I roll to tame a zombie teddy bear.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You somehow induce a stuffed animal to scratch up the furniture and wake you up in the middle of the night.

I roll to reheat a roast chicken.

----------


## Ironsmith

Your chicken is now at absolute zero.

I roll to build a time machine.

----------


## Dire Moose

Your shoddily-built contraption malfunctions and strands you in the Late Jurassic. Eventually, someone finds your fossilized skeleton crushed under a set of Brontosaurus tracks.

I roll to lead a rescue mission to save Ironsmith from becoming dinosaur toejam.

----------


## georger0171

You accidentally go into the future. To the end of the universe, to be exact.

I roll to eat a meal at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.

----------


## Dire Moose

You realize all too late that you are fatally allergic to Ameglian Major Cows and your head explodes after a few bites. Your family gets a heartfelt sympathy letter from the Dish of the Day itself regretting your accidental death at its hooves.

I roll to explore the deepest ocean depths.

----------


## georger0171

You explore the Marianas Trench. Whilst naked. What made you think that was a good idea?

I roll to treat Dire Moose's pressure injuries.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

The obvious answer is to raise their internal pressure to match, but you forget to depressurize them as you retrieve them from the trench. They explode.

I roll to revive a dying blobfish.

----------


## Dire Moose

That sure is some delicious blobfish you grilled up there. My compliments to the chef!

I roll to overcome my fear of large insects.

----------


## Mariah

You end up bringing to life giant killer bees which proceed to sting you.

I roll a one to make today Friday

----------


## Velaryon

You somehow make today Wednesday... Addams. 

I roll to re-enter this thread after having been away for a while.

----------


## ziproot

> You somehow make today Wednesday... Addams. 
> 
> I roll to re-enter this thread after having been away for a while.


Where did Velaryon's posts go? I roll to find them.

----------


## Dire Moose

Instead of finding Velaryons posts, you find the swarm of giant killer bees from earlier. They dont like this and start buzzing around you and stinging you repeatedly. Velaryons attempt to enter the thread is interrupted when Ziproot, covered in angry bees, runs into him screaming and knocks him to the ground, covering him in bees too.

I roll to call in a beekeeper to sort out this mess.

----------


## georger0171

You call in the arsonist from earlier. He uses his flamethrower on the bees, but now everything is on fire.

I roll to repent for the deadliest sin of all; eating only one taco.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You call in the arsonist from earlier. He uses his flamethrower on the bees, but now everything is on fire.
> 
> I roll to repent for the deadliest sin of all; eating only one taco.


The Taco Gods Smite you, and plunge you to the depths of mexican food hell. 

I Roll to save Georger0171 from mexican food hell.

----------


## Ironsmith

You plunge head-first into the lake of salsa, and bemoan your being trapped there without any chips.

I roll to rescue both of these two.

----------


## georger0171

You get plunged into the lake of salsa with me and totadileplayz.

I roll to have a pool party in the lake of salsa!

----------


## Dire Moose

As soon as you gather everyone in the salsa pool, the Elder Gods start dipping chips in it and grabbing you along with them to be eaten.

I roll to become all-powerful.

----------


## totadileplayz

> As soon as you gather everyone in the salsa pool, the Elder Gods start dipping chips in it and grabbing you along with them to be eaten.
> 
> I roll to become all-powerful.


Your very existence is stolen from you, you can not act, nor think. You are quite literally the weakest thing as nothing can acknowledge you and you can not acknowledge anything. 

I roll to escape the elder gods stomach.

----------


## georger0171

You escape the stomach by getting Cthulhu to destroy the elder god. The payment is your soul.

I roll to finish Week 4 on Hard.

----------


## Dire Moose

For some reason, you decide to play by banging your head into the keyboard repeatedly. Your characters singing sounds like a Tasmanian Devil being tortured to death, and he gets hit by numerous food items thrown from the audience.

I roll to figure out why my head hurts.

----------


## totadileplayz

> For some reason, you decide to play by banging your head into the keyboard repeatedly. Your characters singing sounds like a Tasmanian Devil being tortured to death, and he gets hit by numerous food items thrown from the audience.
> 
> I roll to figure out why my head hurts.


You realize you don't have a head. 

I roll to see cheese

----------


## ziproot

> You realize you don't have a head. 
> 
> I roll to see cheese


You go permanently blind and can never see cheese again.

I roll to eat a bag of potato chips.

----------


## BaconTomato

Turns out it's a mimic.  Your bag of potato chips eats you.

I roll to create fire monkeys.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

They put themselves out and throw flaming goop back at you.

I roll to defeat a giant centipede.

----------


## Velaryon

Due to a miscommunication, you challenge the giant centipede to a dance-off... which you lose.

I roll to upload video of the dance-off to YouTube.

----------


## georger0171

You upload it to Youtube but under the guise of "Youtube Rewind 2018". You garner massive amounts of dislikes.

I roll to beat Ballistic on Hard.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You upload it to Youtube but under the guise of "Youtube Rewind 2018". You garner massive amounts of dislikes.
> 
> I roll to beat Ballistic on Hard.


Ballistic on hand uses his ballistics which he has on hand to shoot you by the end you look more like swiss cheese then a person.

I roll to make a Texan feast.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get tread on.

I roll to read someone their rights!

----------


## Ironsmith

You dust yourself off, pull out a card, and read it aloud.

"You have no rights. Anything you say will be used against you. Anything you don't say will be used against you. You will recieve legal counsel at your expense. You will recieve a trial by a jury of your peers, who will then themselves be tried and executed for aiding a criminal. And you will recieve prompt medical treatment for any injuries obtained during your arrest."

*bang*

"Do you understand your rights as I have read them to you?"


I roll to produce a list of swear words. (I believe that hole in my appendix gives me a +15 circumstance modifier.)

----------


## Dire Moose

You tell everyone a heartwarming story about cute fluffy bunnies

I roll to convince the primitive natives that I am actually their goddess.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You tell everyone a heartwarming story about cute fluffy bunnies
> 
> I roll to convince the primitive natives that I am actually their goddess.


You know you believe you succeeded too bad they believe in sacrificing all divine entities, and claimants. At least they'll have a feast after your gone!

I roll to bake bread for the feast.

----------


## ziproot

> You know you believe you succeeded too bad they believe in sacrificing all divine entities, and claimants. At least they'll have a feast after your gone!
> 
> I roll to bake bread for the feast.


You set everything but this thread on fire.

I roll to evacuate the premises.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You evacuate your bowels.

I roll to fix a broken lamp.

----------


## georger0171

You fix a broken clamp and break my wrist with it.

I roll to drive to the hospital (with a -5 penalty from the broken wrist)

----------


## Ironsmith

You can't even get your car door open.

I roll to help Georger into his car.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You can't even get your car door open.
> 
> I roll to help Georger into his car.


A car thief kindly thanks you for your help as he drives away. You realize that it was your own car a couple of minutes later. 

I roll to stop car thieves everywhere.

----------


## Dire Moose

You somehow change the legal system so that its perfectly acceptable to steal cars all over the world.

I roll to ride a horse.

----------


## Velaryon

You ride a cowboy (but hey, at least you saved a horse).

I roll to get tacos for everyone in the thread.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

The obscure mass taco delivery service you found turned out to be a cover for the assassins' guild. No wonder their prices were so high!

I roll to shake off the ninjas that are tailing me.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I roll to shake off the ninjas that are tailing me.


You attract more ninjas.

I roll to video tape the ninjas stalking Dr. Gunsforhands and upload the footage onto the internet.

----------


## Dire Moose

The only video you get is five seconds long, consisting of a ninja appearing right in front of the camera, drawing a knife, killing you, and smashing the camera.

I roll to create a distraction.

----------


## Ironsmith

You succeed in being a distraction, but not at being undistracted.

I roll to pet a cat.

----------


## ziproot

> You succeed in being a distraction, but not at being undistracted.
> 
> I roll to pet a cat.


A ninja takes advantage of you while you're bending over to pet the cat and kills you.

I roll to trap the ninjas in a box labeled "free throwing stars"*


*OOTS reference. I know

----------


## Dire Moose

There was a ninja hiding in the box the entire time. He kills you while youre trying to set it up.

I roll to summon a bunch of pirates to fight off the ninjas.

----------


## bug_sniper

You summon a bunch of clowns to hit them with rubber chickens and throw cream pies at them.

I roll to send the clowns back to the circus.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You summon a bunch of clowns to hit them with rubber chickens and throw cream pies at them.
> 
> I roll to send the clowns back to the circus.


You get to the demon clown circus but the clowns are gone..

I roll to set the thread on fire

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You forgot that your dad invested in special non-flammable shaving cream.

I roll to pass the demon clown college entrance exam.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> You forgot that your dad invested in special non-flammable shaving cream.
> 
> I roll to pass the demon clown college entrance exam.


You do so poorly, you're arrested.

I roll to go to a very fancy French restaurant, speak perfect French, and be the epitome of a classy, respectful restaurant-goer!

----------


## georger0171

You say "Baguette." over and over again and get kicked out.

I roll to dissipate the "WHEN THE IMPOSTER IS SUS!!!1!1" meme once and for all.

----------


## Ironsmith

Sounds kinda sus, not gonna lie.

I roll to toss georger out the airlock.

----------


## bug_sniper

"Why is my name red this time?"

I roll to make some coffee.

----------


## georger0171

You accidentally put coffee beans in the teakettle, causing a nuclear explosion and a rip in reality.

I roll to use epic-level Mystic Theurge skills to seal the rift.

----------


## Dire Moose

You release the Snarl.

I roll to create a new universe.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You release the Snarl.
> 
> I roll to create a new universe.


No New Universes may ever be created, all that remains is nothingness. 

I Roll to embrace the nothingness.

----------


## Ironsmith

You hug yourself. Not even the void will hug you.  :Small Frown: 

I roll to find a new reality.

----------


## bug_sniper

You discover the reality that you are anchored to this reality and cannot just find another reality.

I roll to drop the anchor.

----------


## Dire Moose

You drop it on your foot.

I roll to order a drink.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I roll to order a drink.


You order a hungry bear. Hope you can run fast.

I roll to save Dire Moose from any and all hungry bears.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You order a hungry bear. Hope you can run fast.
> 
> I roll to save Dire Moose from any and all hungry bears.


Every and all hungry bears now eat exclusively dire moose. Apparently it's a great diet who knew? 

I roll to become an anime girl.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I roll to become an anime girl.


You become Homer Simpson,  as I assume that is the polar opposite of anime girls.

I roll to hit totadileplayz (who is now Homer Simpson) with a chair as they takes a bath.

----------


## Dire Moose

You slip on the wet, soapy floor, break your back, and drop the chair on your face.

I roll to blow up the moon.

----------


## BaconTomato

Your tech ends up blasting you into orbit -making you an additional moon.

I roll to make waffles.

----------


## bug_sniper

Hey doctor, I've got your next patient in the waiting room. Yeah, it's Mr. Wafflesforhands.

I roll to bill the patient for the visit to Dr. Gunsforhands.

----------


## Dire Moose

You walk in too early, while the operation is still in progress. You take several bullets in the face.

I roll to sue Dr. Gunsforhands for malpractice.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I roll to sue Dr. Gunsforhands for malpractice.


You somehow sue yourself. You lose the case both as a defendant and the plaintiff (if that's even possible). You're sentenced to a million years in jail.

I roll to break Dire Moose out of jail

----------


## Velaryon

You manage to seal Dire Moose's room entirely in concrete... with yourself inside.

I roll to tunnel in to rescue Dire Moose and Magic_Hat.

----------


## Dire Moose

You dig a tunnel straight to Hell instead. Asmodeus thinks your mistake is the funniest thing hes ever seen.

I roll to teleport myself out of this concreted cell.

----------


## Velaryon

Somehow you retroactively take conjuration as a prohibited school and lose the ability to teleport.

I roll to call in an air strike.

----------


## totadileplayz

The Air itself begins fighting you. You can not breathe, and your body is quickly cut to pieces, as the air becomes thirsty for the thirst of blood. 

I Roll to do a Doh! Moment.

----------


## Dire Moose

You forget about the spiked gauntlet youre wearing when you smack yourself in the face.

I roll to stop the bleeding.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

Bleeding increased to 150%

I roll to understand this weird letter I got about somehow winning a lawsuit I don't remember being involved with?

----------


## paddyfool

You recall a nightmare about losing a lawsuit which prohibited you from wearing any clothes. You somehow believe this to be true and then you go out in public.

I roll to find him an emergency tailor.

----------


## Velaryon

You find Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor, who decides the best way to help is with power tools. He manages to accidentally saw himself in half with a reciprocating saw while turning Dr. Gunsforhands's gun hands into nail guns.

I roll to gather up all the stray nails so nobody steps on one.

----------


## totadileplayz

You Step on all of them, mission accomplished, however you lose your feet due to excessive injury.

I roll to replace Velaryon's feet with horse feet.

----------


## paddyfool

You try but the horse objects violently. You have to settle for putting horseshoes on Velaryon instead. 

I roll to forge more horseshoes.

----------


## Velaryon

You create forged horseshoes. They look like real horseshoes but are made of aluminum and break easily.

I roll to take off the horseshoes and throw them away.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I roll to take off the horseshoes and throw them away.


You manage to not only make them more secure, but you get attached to them as well.

I roll to fake humans walking on Mars (because faking humans walking on the moon is already taken).

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

Everyone recognizes the desert background from the original Star Trek series.

I roll to shoplift without getting caught on a security camera.

----------


## bug_sniper

Before you can even enter the shop, the shopkeeper blocks the doorway and tells you to go home because you look like a thief.

I roll to look presentable.

----------


## paddyfool

You wrap yourself in gift wrap, sellotape, bows and ribbons. The whole ensemble gets very messy and torn the moment you move, however, leading to a court case for indecent exposure. 

I roll to dance the wild fandango.

----------


## totadileplayz

You Realize that you have no idea what that dance is and manage to put your home as a place for others to rent with all of the money going directly to Dictators. They Appreciate your anonymous support. 

I roll to find a means to discover true faith.

----------


## Dire Moose

You try to plane shift to the heavens to see if the gods actually exist. You cast it wrong and end up in the Infinite Layers of the Abyss instead.

I roll to drive a train.

----------


## Mariah

You drive a train off a cliff into the molten core of the earth. 

I roll to stop the train from going off the cliff.

----------


## bug_sniper

Most people aren't superman or superwoman or anywhere in between. But must be who you are since you intend to stop a train from flying off a cliff. Unfortunately, its cargo is full of kryptonite and so all that happens is that the cowcatcher tosses you aside.

I roll to walk across the floor from one side of the room to the other side.

----------


## Dire Moose

You somehow fail to notice the huge spinning saw blade in the middle of the room. You get chopped to bits.

I roll to keep myself from throwing up after seeing the resulting carnage.

----------


## EmmyNecromancer

You ended up getting chopped up by the spinning sawblades instead.

Roll to stop the sawblades from spinning.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You tried to stop them with your bare hands. It didn't work. Now your hands are gone. It's possible that they're avoiding you out of embarrassment.

I roll to search for someone's missing hands.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You tried to stop them with your bare hands. It didn't work. Now your hands are gone. It's possible that they're avoiding you out of embarrassment.
> 
> I roll to search for someone's missing hands.


You lose your hands. 

I roll to cook the delicious hands i found in my cupboard.

----------


## bug_sniper

After you preheat the oven, you misplace your hands and can't find them. Also, while searching for them, you misplace your own hands on the oven racks forgetting to wear your mitts.

After putting myself back together somehow, I roll to jump out the window so that I don't have to walk across the floor that might have more deathtraps in it.

----------


## paddyfool

You step in a bear trap during your run up to the window and fall, smashing your face through the windowpane.  The experience is unpleasant.

I roll to make a Swiss roll.

----------


## Velaryon

While trying to make one, you mistakenly bump into a Swiss man, who trips, falls, and rolls down a nearby hill.

I roll to clear up such misunderstandings so that they don't happen again.

----------


## totadileplayz

You have no made every sentence including this one possible to be perceived in 80 different ways and no one will agree to wish version it is. 

I roll to see the light.

----------


## Dire Moose

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a Grue.

I roll to use the Grue Repellent Bat-Spray.

----------


## Velaryon

You spray the entire bottle directly in a Grue's face. Every other Grue now avoids that one and comes after you instead.

I roll to lure the Grues into the sawblades.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to lure the Grues into the sawblades.


You run into the sawblades yourself. 

I roll to hit the emergency stop to save Velaryon.

----------


## Dire Moose

You cant see in the darkness, so you fumble around the control panel aimlessly. You crank the blades up to their maximum speed.

I roll to turn the lights back on.

----------


## paddyfool

In the darkness, you trip and fall and faceplant into a slice of Velaryon, getting a mouthful of intestines complete with predigested food.

I roll to use my phone as a flashlight.

----------


## Velaryon

You accidentally end up livestreaming the entire sequence of events involving the sawblades on social media, horrifying everyone you know and causing all your friends and family to think you're a demented sicko.

My disembodied spirit rolls to possess Dire Moose during the incident of accidental cannibalism.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You accidentally end up livestreaming the entire sequence of events involving the sawblades on social media, horrifying everyone you know and causing all your friends and family to think you're a demented sicko.
> 
> My disembodied spirit rolls to possess Dire Moose during the incident of accidental cannibalism.


Your spirit further discorporates you are no longer anything. 

I attempt to kick the grue's butt and save the day.

----------


## georger0171

You have been butt-kicked by a grue.

I roll to bring a more modern antagonist into this thread!

----------


## Dire Moose

You summon the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs.

I roll to stop the incoming meteor.

----------


## paddyfool

You are distracted by a highly evolved descendent of the no-longer-asteroided T Rex biting your head off.

I roll to send the asteroid back where it came from and restore the timeline.

----------


## Velaryon

You send the asteroid to the late 19th century, where it does basically the same thing it originally did 65.000,000 years ago, but in Victorian times instead of dinosaur times.

I roll to do nothing since I am nothing.

----------


## bug_sniper

You become omnipotent and are now responsible for everything that happens.

I roll to worship the god Velaryon.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to worship the god Velaryon.


You insult him instead. Seems like Velaryons clerics want to burn you alive now. 

I roll to rescue bug_sniper from certain death.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You counter-snipe the bug sniper who was about to assassinate bug_sniper! Or, wait, is bug_sniper a bug who snipes or a sniper of bugs? Whichever it is, you rolled a 1 so you shot the wrong one.

I roll to custom-make some armor for TPBM.

----------


## totadileplayz

The Armor turns to dust the second it's hit. 

I roll to make tpbm gain superpowers.

----------


## Velaryon

What's that? You want super _flowers?_

Look, bug_sniper said I became all-powerful, not all knowing. And certainly not all-hearing.

I roll to create a new body for myself using my powers of omnipotence.

----------


## paddyfool

You accidentally infringe another deity's portfolio by creating a form in a species that they have the rights to. Welcome to a divine turf war, oh newbie godling.

I roll to write an epic story of gods doing battle.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to write an epic story of gods doing battle.


Half of the people hearing your story fall asleep instantly, since it's so boring. The other half throws rotten tomatoes at you. 

I roll to hit paddyfool with a rotten tomato. (Damage, if hit 1d4-2 *(1)*)

----------


## totadileplayz

> Half of the people hearing your story fall asleep instantly, since it's so boring. The other half throws rotten tomatoes at you. 
> 
> I roll to hit paddyfool with a rotten tomato. (Damage, if hit 1d4-2 *(1)*)


You decided to be presumptuous and roll the damage with the to-hit thus, you hit yourself with a rotten tomato everyone else turns on you. Be ready to be pelted. 


I roll to give the super flowers to tpbm.

----------


## Lysbeth

you trip and force them down tpbm's throat by accident, giving tpbm super_powers_

I roll to play the lottery

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to play the lottery


You decide to buy as many tickets as you can afford to increase your chances. All of them are wrong, but some are really close! 

I roll to create some weighted dice.

----------


## Dire Moose

You create some hydrogen-filled dice which float up to the ceiling whenever you try to roll them.

I roll to open the door, get on the floor, and walk the dinosaur.

----------


## Rogan

> You create some hydrogen-filled dice which float up to the ceiling whenever you try to roll them.
> 
> I roll to open the door, get on the floor, and walk the dinosaur.


Your dinosaur is locked in a bag of holding and you are trapped in an AMF.

I roll to convince my DM that my new dice actually rolled a natural 20. When the 1 is visible in the ceiling, the 20 is on the top!

----------


## bug_sniper

The DM no longer believes anything you say about die rolls, or anything about the game for that matter. You might want to try using reverse psychology next time.

I roll to move my character piece around the board.

----------


## paddyfool

You land on a snake.

I roll to roleplay

----------


## Supagoof

You end up stuck forever replaying as the duck, in the song of Llama Llama Duck.

I roll to see where the dice go.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You end up stuck forever replaying as the duck, in the song of Llama Llama Duck.
> 
> I roll to see where the dice go.


They land on a 1 in the middle of your brain. 

I roll to see where the future lies.

----------


## Vianceit

You see it go right by you into the past..again and again.

I roll to make my reflection fall in love with me.

----------


## bug_sniper

Every mirror within a 5 mile radius shatters from the inside. At least you don't acquire 7 years of bad luck since it's technically not you who broke the mirrors.

I roll to invade Mars.

----------


## Dire Moose

You attempt to invade Uranus instead. Interpret that statement however you want.

I roll to lead a revolution against the corrupt king.

----------


## totadileplayz

The Potential Revolutionaries rise up against you instead and they become the corrupt kings most loyal soldiers. The king does thank you for being a figure head he can blame all the evil in his kingdom on. 

I roll to become a princess.

----------


## bug_sniper

You slay your older sister hoping to become the sole heir to the throne. However, your long-lost older brother returns to the castle 1 week before the king is set to abdicate his throne. He become the next-in-line and his first regal act is to exile you to a life of serfdom because of what you did.

I roll to talk clearly so that people can understand me.

----------


## Dire Moose

Everyone you talk to thinks youre making farm animal noises instead of human speech.

I roll to fly an airplane.

----------


## farothel

The airplane becomes a lawn dart.

I roll to investigate the airplane crash scene.

----------


## paddyfool

The polymorphic field from the lawn dart extends to you and you transform into a plastic action figure of yourself. Farewell (most) pleasures of the flesh, hello life as a quarantined specimen under government study.

I roll to understand and make practical use of this plastifying polymorphic effect.

----------


## bug_sniper

It's too much information for you to work with. Your mind turns into a pretzel.

I roll to eat a pretzel.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

It turns out the pretzel is a Mimic. It ends up eating YOU. 

I roll to make an 'In Soviet Russia...' joke.

----------


## Dire Moose

Youre too hungry to come up with one. So you order a pizza. Unfortunately, in Soviet Russia, pizza eats YOU!!!

In Soviet Russia, d20 rolls YOU!!!

----------


## bug_sniper

In Soviet Russia, diplomacy skill check fails YOU!!!
In Soviet Russia, cop calls YOU!!!
In Soviet Russia, jailed get YOU!!!

I roll to escape from Soviet Russia.

----------


## Velaryon

You end up in the Siberian gulag.

I roll to rescue bug_sniper from the gulag.

----------


## Dire Moose

You freeze to death in the middle of Siberia while trying to find the gulag.

I roll to kill SCP-682.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

SCP-682 shrugs off your attempts and does *[REDACTED]*, which causes OVER 9000 casualties, the destruction of Site *[REDACTED]* and worse of all, *[DATA EXPUNGED].*

I wish to find out what actually happened there.

----------


## Book Wombat

You become SCP-682.

I roll to kill SCP-682 née Vorpal Bunny.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to kill SCP-682 née Vorpal Bunny.


You accidently clone it. 

I roll to disbelieve Books action.

----------


## Dire Moose

You now believe literally every book you read.

I roll to force SCP-682 back into its containment area.

----------


## bug_sniper

You lock yourself inside its containment area while both SCP-682 clones go on a rampage outside.

I roll to let Dire Moose out from there.

----------


## bug_sniper

I clumsily press the wrong button and hydrochloric acid spills into the chamber.

I roll to explain the situation to the site director.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

He ends up demoting you to E-class. Which he made just for you. It's like D-class, but it involves looking at SCP-096's face, looking away from SCP 173 and being covered in SCP 447. At the same time.

I roll to stop this literally insane event from happening.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to stop this literally insane event from happening.


You accidently create a groundhog day like loop, witnessing the event over and over again. 

I roll to investigate this time loop.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You investigate this time loop.
You investigate this time loop.
You investigate this time loop...

I roll to break Rogan out of the time loop.

----------


## Dire Moose

You accidentally run over your grandfather before he had the chance to meet your grandmother, causing a paradox that breaks the time-space continuum.

I roll to repair the time-space continuum.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You end up repairing the lime-spice contYUMium instead. Spacetime is still messed up, but on the bright side dinner tastes really, really good now.

I roll to clear up the confused words here.

----------


## ziproot

The lime-spice contYUMium becomes a chaotic mess. I roll to flee this universe.

----------


## Rogan

> The lime-spice contYUMium becomes a chaotic mess. I roll to flee this universe.


You end up in the esreviMUY rorrim.

I roll to find my dice.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You roll a Natural 1 on your Acrobatics check and roll off a cliff. 

I roll to edit the English language to include more precise meanings for same-sounding but differently-meaning words.

----------


## bug_sniper

Yew mix up all the warred's end now, nobody nose watt too right.

Eye role too due something too improve the situation.

----------


## Dire Moose

You go back in time and shoot William Shakespeare. Needless to say, this does NOT solve the problems with English being altered.

I roll to decorate the Christmas tree.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to decorate the Christmas tree.


You decide that burning candles are the best decorations. Unfortunately, the tree catches fire...


I roll to extinguish the flames.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

The tree catches fire, the house, the neighborhood, the thread...

Yep. It's on fire. _Again._

I roll to spread the flames to other threads.

----------


## ziproot

You spread the threads to other flames. Now _all_ of the threads are on fire.

 I roll to eat the esreviMUY rorrim.

The esreviMUY rorrim eat me

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to eat the esreviMUY rorrim.
> 
> The esreviMUY rorrim eat me


The esreviMUY rorrim eat me You!

I roll to feed the esreviMUY rorrim some snickers to distract it from ziproot.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

The esreviMUY rorrim spits it out. It's on a diet.

I roll to get the esreviMUY rorrim on Keto.

----------


## Dire Moose

It cant handle all these different diets youre pushing on it and just eats you instead.

I roll to get on Santas nice list.

----------


## ziproot

That's a nice naughty list Santa has there. And it even has your name!

I roll to flee the esreviMUY rorrim.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You come back to our Earth! However, Hungary is now invading Turkey! And they're using tanks that fire drumsticks! 

The esreviMUY rorrim just burps and laughs. You brought it here!


I roll to stop the esreviMUY rorrim from invading other universes.

----------


## ziproot

You slightly slow the esreviMUY rorrim down, by being eaten.

I roll to watch this happen and eat popcorn.

----------


## Dire Moose

You pour yourself a bowl of radioactive waste by mistake and eat the whole thing while washing it down with a nice glass of mercury. It tastes great for all of a few minutes afterward and then things get kind of messy.

I roll to turn lead into gold.

----------


## ziproot

You turn lead into the radioactive waste that I thought was popcorn. The time-space continuum issues are the reason why I had the radioactive waste before it was made.

I roll to jump into the esreviMUY rorrim so that they get killed by the radioactive waste.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to jump into the esreviMUY rorrim so that they get killed by the radioactive waste.


The esreviMUY rorrim vomits violently. You are back in this burning thread and feel even worse. 

I roll to apologize for mentioning the esreviMUY rorrim.

----------


## Dire Moose

As soon as you open your mouth, you involuntarily barf up all the radioactive waste you ingested onto a litter of puppies that happened to be sitting there. They all die horribly.

I roll to sing Christmas carols around my neighborhood.

----------


## Velaryon

You discover that you misread the calendar, Christmas was last week, and now everyone in your neighborhood is cross with you.

I roll to write a New Year's Carol that can be sung after Christmas.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to write a New Year's Carol that can be sung after Christmas.


It's as annoying as last Christmas and everybody hates you for this invention. 

I roll to cut the power of the radio stations playing last new year.

----------


## Dire Moose

You try to cut the power by gnawing through the electrical lines with your teeth. Naturally this results in a very shocking fate.

I roll to clean up the smoldering dead body.

----------


## Velaryon

You spread bits of smoldering corpse all over the room.

I roll to put out the still-smoldering bits before the room catches fire.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to put out the still-smoldering bits before the room catches fire.


You spread the things to other threads. The whole forum is on fire now. 

I roll to call the firefighters.

----------


## Velaryon

You accidentally call the waterfighters. They arrive and throw large sacks of sodium polyacrylate into all nearby water supplies, soaking up most of the water. They do nothing about the fire.

I roll to fetch some water that the waterfighters haven't gotten rid of yet.

----------


## bug_sniper

You open a portal to hell and summon a hellfire demon bent on incinerating all life on earth.

I roll to summon Aqua, the water goddess from Konosuba to deal with this demon.

----------


## Rogan

> You open a portal to hell and summon a hellfire demon bent on incinerating all life on earth.
> 
> I roll to summon Aqua, the water goddess from Konosuba to deal with this demon.


The goddess is very offended she was summoned into a world which treats water so bad. She attacks you before leaving again, ignoring the demon.

I roll to take cover from all the fighting.

----------


## Dire Moose

You take cover behind a rock which is really a cleverly-disguised Mimic. It bites your head off.

I roll to steal TPBMs wallet.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You take cover behind a rock which is really a cleverly-disguised Mimic. It bites your head off.
> 
> I roll to steal TPBMs wallet.


The mimic is still there and bites your head of too.

I roll to negotiate with the demon.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

Which demon? There are more of them now.

I roll to move a giant ball of floating mercury.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> Which demon? There are more of them now.
> 
> I roll to move a giant ball of floating mercury.


By trying to move it you remind it gravity exists and demands it comes down, so like a toon it crashes down by this realization and you get poisoned and crushed to death just like twelve people standing around you.

I try to flee to the plane of water.

----------


## Rogan

> I try to flee to the plane of water.


I roll to remind you that you need to  roll in order to try  :Small Wink:

----------


## Smoutwortel

> I roll to remind you that you need to  roll in order to try


I interpert it as a suggestion to take you with me and try that risky spell I learned from a shady guy back when I was just a minor wizard that should teleport me through the far realms to any location in the universe.

I try to flee with this non-tested ritual toward another planet where I could survive the environment..

----------


## oogaboogagoblin

you land in a similar plane, but gloopier. welcome to the quasi-elemental plane of ranch dressing

i roll to find something to dip in all the ranch

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

There was a bag of chips next to you that you didn't need to roll to find, but in your haste you take a bite of the first chip and greedily dip it again. Aghast, the local elementals summon a hazmat team and quickly imprison you for the crime of double-dipping.

I roll to look up a creature with the air subtype that I can summon for a flight home.

----------


## Velaryon

For some reason you used Siri to conduct your search, and ended up summoning a creature of the Heir subtype. The neighboring kingdom doesn't take kindly to you riding around on their crown prince, and they send a whole group of knights after you.

I roll to distract the knights so Dr. Gunsforhands can escape.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to distract the knights so Dr. Gunsforhands can escape.


The knights trample you without slowing down. 

I roll to look for a d20.

----------


## ziproot

You instead find the quasi-elemental plane of ranch dressing where somehow one person turned into four.

I roll to figure out how the other three people got there.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You think it's safe to assume that we're all natives of this plane and that we've all somehow been given false memories, yourself included. (You also failed to notice that there are six of us now, but you were already RPing that part.  :Small Tongue: )

I roll to research the Dismissal spell.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You think it's safe to assume that we're all natives of this plane and that we've all somehow been given false memories, yourself included. (You also failed to notice that there are six of us now, but you were already RPing that part. )
> 
> I roll to research the Dismissal spell.


On your first try you get teleported to the non-elemental plane of dismissal. The first thing you hear is: "we don't have to worry about Dr.Gunsforhands he's waay to dumb to ever learn the spell."

I try to find Dr.Gunsforhands.

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## Rogan

> I try to find Dr.Gunsforhands.


You find some guns instead. They explode when used. 

I roll to take cover.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

Literally, since that's what they do in video games. Alas, it does not conjure cover from the ether, but merely draws more attention to you.

I roll to aim and fire at my target!

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## oogaboogagoblin

the gun explodes, destroying both your hands in the process 

i roll to stop the bleeding

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## Rogan

> i roll to stop the bleeding


Can't bleed if there is no blood left, right? 

I roll to find a cleric capable of casting raise dead.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

Create Greater Undead!

I roll to stake a vampire in the heart.

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## oogaboogagoblin

you throw a medium rare stake at the vampire, seasoning it lightly with the juices from the meat

i roll to burn the vampire alive

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## bug_sniper

The vampire loses much of its enthalpy. You basically did the exact opposite of what you intended to do.

I roll to bury the frozen vampire in the snow somewhere.

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## Rogan

> I roll to bury the frozen vampire in the snow somewhere.


You take a loooooong time to dig a hole. While you are busy, the Vampire recovers and uses you as a snack. But hey, on the bright side, he puts your dead body to rest in the hole you were digging, so you will rise again in 3 days. 

I roll to sprinkle some garlic and holy water on the snowy grave.

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## Dire Moose

You accidentally break a bottle of unholy demon water while rummaging around in your bag for said anti-vampire gear. You get a nasty cut on your hand from the glass as the bottle spills all over the grave, causing it to be covered in unholy water and human blood. Bug_sniper rises again as a half-fiend vampire instead.

I draw my sword and roll to Smite Evil on the abomination.

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## Rogan

> ...Bug_sniper rises again as a half-fiend vampire instead.
> 
> I draw my sword and roll to Smite Evil on the abomination.


You accidentally forge an armor for Bug_sniper in your smithy. Must have confused Smite and Smith.

I roll to make a funny comment.

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## Gold Leaf

The vampire is the only one who finds your comment funny. He immediately sucks your blood, believing that if he does so he will gain your alleged wit. He doesn't know a lot about being a vampire, you see.

I roll to go home.

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## bug_sniper

You go to the middle of nowhere. In fact, you find the geometric center of the territory of nowhere.

I roll to function like a vampire since I am one.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

I was going to say you didn't have to roll for that, but I guess I can rule that as a vampire that was a roll to let you function at all. With that roll, you have the options to stake yourself for science or to walk into the sunshine and never look back.

I roll to snipe a bug.

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## Gold Leaf

> I was going to say you didn't have to roll for that, but I guess I can rule that as a vampire that was a roll to let you function at all. With that roll, you have the options to stake yourself for science or to walk into the sunshine and never look back.
> 
> I roll to snipe a bug.


Your sniper rifle backfires and explodes in your face.

I roll to destroy the roof above bug_sniper, exposing them to sunlight.

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## bug_sniper

You are cursed in that every explosive you come into contact with becomes a dud and cranes and wrecking balls fall apart when you drive them.

I roll to concoct a sunscreen that can protect vampires from sunlight.

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## Rogan

> I roll to concoct a sunscreen that can protect vampires from sunlight.


The screen amplifiers the sunlight instead, speeding up to destruction of vampires.

I roll to hook the sunscreen up to a solar panel.

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## bug_sniper

You squeeze the bottle too hard and all of it squirts on a passerby, who quickly gets a slight tan on his face.

I roll to market the substance as a tanning aid for sunbathers.

----------


## bug_sniper

It seems that my business idea is a flop seeing how it's not getting any attention.

With that said, I roll to declare bankruptcy.

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## Rogan

> With that said, I roll to declare bankruptcy.


You accidentally declare an income of ten million dollars instead. Now you are under investigation for fraud.

I roll to stay alive in a mafia game till day 2.

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## Snowblaze

You're a D1 wagon. The counterwagon is me. Rest in peace.

I roll to keep Rogan alive.

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## Rogan

> I roll to keep Rogan alive.


You think you're a baner, but in fact you are a vig. But thanks for trying.

I roll to pick some nice pics.

----------


## Dire Moose

You pick out a bunch of extremely NSFW pictures of yourself doing really NSFW things and send them all to your boss.

I roll to keep Rogan from getting fired.

----------


## Gold Leaf

You get fired as well because your boss can't believe anybody would defend Rogan after those pics he sent.

I roll to roll a 2.

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## Rogan

> I roll to roll a 2.


You roll a 1 twice. 

I roll to count the number of 1s in this thread.

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## Lysbeth

> I roll to count the number of 1s in this thread.


You copy each one in an empty reply to make sure you don't miss any, and never stop counting. Plus, you miscounted the seventh one and didn't know it.

I roll to make coconut cookies.

----------


## bug_sniper

You make lumps of flour covered with hot egg yolk.

I roll to bore a tunnel through a mountain

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to bore a tunnel through a mountain


You get bored after 5 minutes and do something else. 

I roll to motivate bug_sniper to continue his tunnel boring attempt.

----------


## Persolus

Bug_sniper wasn't expecting that - fortunately the drill only _slightly_ bores you through before you can jump back.

I roll to try and be less boring.

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## enq

The fact that it took four days before anyone could summon up the energy to reply to that should speak for itself.

I roll to strum Wonderwall.

----------


## animorte

You play Mary had a Little Lamb instead, the one everybody learned in 5th grade. (Yeah, I thought one of the strings was going to break too!)

I roll to stop and smell the flowers.

----------


## Persolus

From Wikipedia:



> Amorphophallus titanum, the titan arum, is a flowering plant in the family Araceae. It has the largest unbranched inflorescence in the world. The inflorescence of the talipot palm, Corypha umbraculifera, is larger, but it is branched rather than unbranched. A. titanum is endemic to rainforests on the Indonesian island of Sumatra.
> 
> Due to its odor, like that of a rotting corpse, the titan arum is characterized as a carrion flower, and is also known as the corpse flower or corpse plant (Indonesian: bunga bangkaibunga means flower, while bangkai can be translated as corpse, cadaver, or carrion).


I roll to plug my nose so I don't have to smell it as well.

===


> The fact that it took four days before anyone could summon up the energy to reply to that should speak for itself.


...can I just say... ouch.  :Small Big Grin:  that was brutal!

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to plug my nose so I don't have to smell it as well.


Better use some liquid cement, so it won't accidentally get off again. 

I roll to calculate the average of an rolls in this thread.

----------


## Lysbeth

> I roll to calculate the average of an rolls in this thread.


You divide by zero and your calculator explodes.

I roll to go buy another calculator for Rogan

----------


## Persolus

You realise you were about to order two on NotAmazonTM, so you click the button to reduce the quantity.
Unfortunately, you pressed it three times, and the integer wrapped around to the largest value. 
You now have to pay for 2,147,483,647 calculators.

I roll to try and submit an error report to NotAmazonTM to prevent this bug from effecting anyone else.

----------


## animorte

NotAmazonTM now has a link to every website each of us ever visits and earns 1 penny to each person that visits, opens, or refreshes a page. But we never have to pay for anything else online ever again.

I roll to avoid the authorities for wishing in another thread to be the owner of  the now supremely successful and rich NotAmazonTM.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to avoid the authorities for wishing in another thread to be the owner of  the now supremely successful and rich NotAmazonTM.


They have no idea about your wish, so avoiding this is easy. The 200 speeding tickets and 7 cases of manslaughter however...

I roll to set up a legal defense for Animorte.

----------


## enq

They will be defended by Phil Rodriguez.

I roll to eat a filled taco shell without it breaking.

----------


## Persolus

Miraculously, when you drop it and the fillings spill everywhere, the shell is still perfectly intact.

I roll to properly fold up a burrito so I don't have to worry about my fillings falling out.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to properly fold up a burrito so I don't have to worry about my fillings falling out.


You forget to insert any fillings at all. On the bright side, this will guarantee that nothing can fall out of your... _ masterpiece_ 

I roll to sleep for half an hour.

----------


## enq

You do indeed roll. More specifically, you roll out of your bed just as you fall asleep.

I roll to not be crowned the emperor of this forum. Ok, that leaves little room for imagination in the answer, so: I roll to become penniless.

----------


## bug_sniper

Your piggy bank is filled with pennies. And your house is now made of pennies cemented together. And when you go to your brick and morter bank, they tell you that your account now has a practically infinite amount of money, but you can only withdraw it in pennies and the tellers won't help you carry it out.

I roll to build a wagon for enq.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to build a wagon for enq.


Who needs wheels anyway? 

I roll to forge some equipment out of the pennies.

----------


## Persolus

Does a cage count as equipment...? Anyways, you somehow managed to forge one around yourself. 

I roll to break Rogan out of the cage.

----------


## enq

You are observed handling a cage made of money and containing a prisoner. You are arrested both for stealing the money and imprisoning Rogan.

I roll to convince the bank to let me write checks.

----------


## Gold Leaf

It's the Bank of England, which spells the word correctly as 'cheque', so they misunderstand you. On the plus side, you are now allowed to write the result of failed skill checks.

I roll to force all countries to use km/h.

----------


## bug_sniper

Every political body on the planet switches away from the metric system out of spite for you proselytizing your standards after home builders start protests over all the tape measures, maps, and planted survey markings they'd have to throw away. Now, nobody wants to play any part in a global standards organization, every major nation has a different measurement for how long a mile is, and if you use any prefix with "meter" you'll get beaten up or taken to jail.

And you're lucky you can still use "hour" as a unit of time. There's a movement going on to write speeds in units of miles per naptime, with each naptime being an eighth of a day.

I roll to exchange all my pennies before they go down in value from the influx enq withdraws.

----------


## enq

You exchange them for bills, which catch fire the moment you leave the bank.

I roll to forge my pennies into weapons safe against rust monsters.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to forge my pennies into weapons safe against rust monsters.


Good luck fighting any monster with a knife with a total length of 6cm. At least, you've got 6 of them. 

I roll to turn one of those knives into an improvised spearhead.

----------


## animorte

> I roll to turn one of those knives into an improvised spearhead.


You are proud of your completed penny-knife-spearhead, but a museum curator immediately confiscates it and misspells your entire name on the plaque.

I roll to steal the penny-knife-spearhead from the museum.

----------


## bug_sniper

You steal a banana from a gorilla at the zoo. The gorilla named Harambe Jr. is very angry, both at the loss of his father and at the intrusion into his enclosure.

I roll to rescue animorte from Harambe Jr.

----------


## ChrysalisM

You get yourself trapped with the gorilla.

Trying to solid snake my way out of this place undetected.

----------


## bug_sniper

You solid snake your way into a room with the venomous snakes.

I roll to fly out of here.

----------


## Dire Moose

As you are stuck waiting in line at airport security, the snakes catch up to you and bite you to death.

I roll to climb a tree.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to climb a tree.


You accidentally grab a snake instead of a branch. You are now poisoned.

I roll to mix an antidote.

----------


## ChrysalisM

The antidote you make the antidote, but you drop the vial, before you drink it. (You rolled a 1 on the dex check to drink it quickly)

I try to envoke divine aid to cure the poison

----------


## Rogan

> I try to envoke divine aid to cure the poison


Here is a picture of the process. 

I roll to find my dice.

----------


## Dire Moose

You only manage to find your limited-edition stainless steel d4s, by way of stepping on them in your bare feet.

I roll to investigate the screaming coming from the room.

----------


## bug_sniper

You concentrate on investigating why the soundproofing isn't blocking all the noise.

I roll to investigate why a moose is doing investigations at all.

----------


## Rogan

> I roll to investigate why a moose is doing investigations at all.


Your investigation disturbs the forum-mafia. I hope you can swim with this heave weight chained to your feet...

I roll to get some diving equipment and a saw to bug_sniper

----------


## Dire Moose

You get eaten by a shark on the way down.

I roll to punch the shark in the face.

----------


## Velaryon

Due to an autocorrect mishap, you instead punch a Shrek.

I roll to figure out how Shrek ended up in the water with a Dire Moose and a shark.

----------

