# Forum > Play-by-Post Games > Message Board Games >  Corrupt a Wish III: Granted, but it's on Fire!

## Gravitron5000

The rules of this game are thus, continued from before (https://forums.giantitp.com/showthre...rupt-a-Wish-II): the person above you will wish for something. You must grant that wish, in a fashion similar to the "Be Careful What You Wish For" trope. And then make a wish of your own.

Carried over from the last thread:




> I wish for a new corrupt a wish thread because we've reached fifty pages.





> Ok, but it will be on fire, just like the "Rolled a one" thread.
> 
> I wish for a fire extinguisher.

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## paddyfool

> "I wish for a fire extinguisher"

Granted, but it's empty and has a broken dial that reports that it's full.

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## Velaryon

> > "I wish for a fire extinguisher"
> 
> Granted, but it's empty and has a broken dial that reports that it's full.


I wish paddyfool had made a wish in this post.

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## Gravitron5000

He made a wish, but it obviously burned up in the fire.

Since we already have the fire, I wish for a fire roasted ox.

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## paddyfool

Granted but it tastes of burning thread.

I wish my wish could rise like a phoenix from the ashes.

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## Bucky

Your wish goes up, and up, and up until it vanishes into the clouds. You never see it again.

I wish life were a cakewalk.

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## Gravitron5000

Granted.  There is now cake in your shoes.

I wish for some cake that has not come in contact with any feet.

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## bug_sniper

Granted, given that said cake is inside a cage of razor wire and inside a ring of fire. In other words, your life is painful and torturous with the promise of something sweet at the end.

I wish for a firehose and some bolt cutters.

Edit: The first sentence works nicely for Gravitron5000 too.

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## totadileplayz

Granted however they somehow merged together. With a firehose end and the grip of  bolt cutters it is officially useless for any firehose, or bolt cutting needs. 

I wish I had a teleporter.

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## Velaryon

Granted, but its coordinates are fixed and it only teleports you to Pluto, one way.

I wish Pluto could clear its orbit like a planet.

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## Bucky

Granted! But it absorbs Neptune in the process, leaving a planet that's far more Neptune than Pluto.

I wish I didn't have to pay taxes.

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## Lacco

You don't have to! Welcome to Shawshank prison! The warden wants to have a word with you.

I wish for a skilled accountant to help me with my taxes for free every year.

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## Dire Moose

Granted. He uses your ignorance of the process to scam you out of your money.

I wish Covid-19 would instantly cease to exist so that we can have our lives back.

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## Magic_Hat

> I wish Covid-19 would instantly cease to exist so that we can have our lives back.


Granted. All Covid virus cells are killed with an even more contagious and deadly virus strain.

I wish for a vaccine for this new virus strain.

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## Kerching

Granted. Unfortunately, nobody trusts vaccines anymore after the last one failed, and Karens were elected to all positions of power. Everyone dies to misinformation. 

I wish to speak to their manager.

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## Dire Moose

You speak to the manager. The manager is a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Nom nom nom.

I wish my cat would behave herself.

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## Caerulea

Taxidermist cats are _very_ well behaved. 

I wish college cost less than 160k.

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## Magic_Hat

> I wish college cost less than 160k.


Okay. College now literally costs an arm and a leg...for the first two years then another arm and a leg for the final two years.

I wish I had four arms and four legs to help me get through college.

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## Bucky

Granted, but you'll take eight years to graduate.

I wish I owned a hundred-foot yacht.

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## paddyfool

You get a repulsively pungent sculpture of a yacht  made up of 100 human feet stitched together. The police have a few questions about 50 missing people.

I wish that Bucky's horrific bit of footboat artwork would spontaneously combust.

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## Magic_Hat

> I wish that Bucky's horrific bit of footboat artwork would spontaneously combust.


Okay, but since it's spontaneous, you don't know when it'll happen and are standing right next to it when it finally does burst meaning you are consumed in the flames.

I wish to heal paddyfool's very bad burn wounds.

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## Lacco

Yeah, the medication worked and the burn wounds are not even visible! ... unfortunately there are some side-effects. Terrible hiccups. Explosive diarrhea. Spontaneous mummification of internal organs. Googly eyes. Plastic ones. All over the body. At random times. Paranoia. Hairy toes.

I wish for a googly-eyes remedy for the poor guy.

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## Dire Moose

Granted, but the treatment causes incurable cancer in literally every part of his body.

I wish for eternal life.

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## Magic_Hat

> I wish for eternal life.


Okay, but life doesn't equal conscious organism so you spend eternity as an indestructible vegetable.

I wish to extract DNA from the Dire Moose immortal vegetable to create more of them and start a very profitable business selling them.

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## totadileplayz

While you did succeed in gaining some DNA their indestructible, and immortality are not based on their genes, but mystic powers, and as such do not pertain to the DNa sample, and can not be extracted. 

I wish there was only nothing.

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## Bucky

Granted! Your wish does nothing.

I wish I had due process and a competent lawyer.

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## Dire Moose

Granted. However, you had already shared the video of you microwaving a baby all over the internet and on national TV, your lawyer cant really do much. You go to prison for life.

I wish I could teleport anywhere I wanted to, at will.

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## Gravitron5000

Will doesn't really appreciate you teleporting yourself at him and files for a restraining order.

I wish to know why Will would want a wandering wand of wonders.

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## paddyfool

You instead gain graphic knowledge of where Will's "wand of wonders" has wandered in the past. You'd really rather not have known, especially as you now face the question of whether to tell Will's wife, in which case, well, Will may need to make a will.

I wish to be better at innuendo.

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## Dire Moose

Granted, you are now so good at innuendo that you cant help hiding double meanings in your statements all over the place. You develop so much of a reputation that everyone is always reading way too much into what you say and driving you nuts.

I wish this job would pay me more money.

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## Caerulea

An extra 50￠might not seem like a lot, but it'll add up! Or maybe it won't. 

I wish I could alter my voice however I wanted, whenever I wanted.

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## totadileplayz

Granted Your inner voice can be changed to your whim, even to other languages that you don't understand...

I wish all thread like substances were fireproof

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## Gravitron5000

Granted.  The candle industry is not happy about it.  Big candle sends in the assassins.  Unfortunately, you're no John Wick.

I wish for a nice scented candle and a bubble bath.

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## paddyfool

Granted, but you're allergic to the bubble bath mix used.

I wish to get buff

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## Lacco

Granted! You got a buff. And a balaclava as a bonus.

I wish to own a goldfish that will survive (my parents gave me the "Incompetent: Fish Care" flaw at birth).

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## Dire Moose

Granted. Its an intelligent goldfish with psionic abilities that turns you into its mind-controlled slave.

I wish I never had to work again.

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## Gravitron5000

Well, that's a problem that can be solved by murdering you ...

I wish to bring back Dire Moose as a satiated zombie.

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## paddyfool

Granted, but the satiation only lasts for a few seconds before you become zombie chow

I wish to put a stop to this zombie outbreak.

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## Bucky

Granted. Your heroic sacrifice lures all the zombies into a growing inferno that none of them escape.

I wish I had a battleship.

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## totadileplayz

Granted The Ghost Battleship from World War 2 is at your command able to deal with all of your ghost naval related needs. Note they can not interact with the living, of which you currently qualify so they will be errant until the deed is done. 

I Wish For a Spaceship

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## Gravitron5000

I'll ship you some space in the form of this empty box.  USPS ok?

I wish for a cat to occupy one of these other boxes lying around.

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## Dire Moose

While Gravitron5000 is being ripped apart and eaten, I wish for a sword that fires lightning bolts.

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## Grand Arbiter

The Anti-Violence Sword delivers an electric shock to its wielder to discourage combat use. They're still fine-tuning the shock strength.



I wish for TPBM to have a good day.

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## paddyfool

TPBM is teleported to the centre of Göd, a small city in Pest County, Hungary. Any attempt to leave sees him teleported back to the centre as soon as he reaches the city limits.  After 24 hours, a time loop triggers and he finds himself transported back 24 hours in time to the beginning of his Göd day, unless and until he has had a truly good day in Göd.

I wish for reality-altering good luck powers.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

I _would_ grant that wish for you, but I seem to be trapped in some kind of Hungarian time loop. Lucky me.

I wish for an imaginary friend.

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## Lacco

Of course! You now have one! And I'll do you one better: after all, what could be better than an imaginary friend AND a clown? His name is Pennywise! And he's able to interact with you. Forever.

I wish for TPBM to have a wonderful day, full of pleasant surprises.

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## Bucky

Granted, but by sunset he won't remember any of it.

I wish for a cold fusion reactor.

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## paddyfool

The sun just went dark and cold! We're all doomed! Why???

I wish for us all to have a lovely sunny day.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

Granted! The sun gives you a hug!

I wish for a cool summer.

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## Lacco

As you wish. The summer is now too cool to associate with you, so it avoids you completely. And it slanders you in front of autumn and winter too.

I wish for a calm, beautiful vista to be visible from my window.

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## Magic_Hat

> I wish for a calm, beautiful *vista* to be visible from my window.


Um, here's a computer with windows vista. It's calm because it doesn't do anything because it has a virus. I guess it's technically "beautiful" if we're going by the mentality "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." So, at some point it will be shoved into your eye socket.

I wish to remove the computer rom lacco36's eye socket.

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## Gravitron5000

The ROM has been removed from the computer which is still in Lacco36's eye socket.

I wish for a RAM upgrade for my computer.

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## Bucky

Granted, twice over! Your computer now has a reinforced steel nose to inflict extra damage when you deliberately run it into hard targets, and it has an integrated male sheep for propulsion so it can pull off such a maneuver. 

I wish my days had 26 hours so I could get more stuff done.

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## totadileplayz

> Granted, twice over! Your computer now has a reinforced steel nose to inflict extra damage when you deliberately run it into hard targets, and it has an integrated male sheep for propulsion so it can pull off such a maneuver. 
> 
> I wish my days had 26 hours so I could get more stuff done.


Granted You now live on a different planet, in a galaxy far away, the planet is habitable, with a weird ecology that has yet to erupt sapient life, this planet's days are 26 hours for every day in comparison to earths. Making you truly have 26 hours for every one of your days. What did you expect was going to happen i'd be able to magic some extra hours out of nowhere? 

I wish for it to be friday.

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## Dire Moose

Granted. Its now Friday the 13th. Some guy in a hockey mask hacks you to bits with a machete.

I wish to reverse time back to the beginning of today, so that his really bad day never happened.

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## Velaryon

Granted: 




I wish to have that song scrubbed from my brain.

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## Magic_Hat

> I wish to have that song scrubbed from my brain.


That song, and all other knowledge, is scrubbed from your brain.

I wish I could teach a bunch of cats how to dance so I could make money from their performances.

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## totadileplayz

> That song, and all other knowledge, is scrubbed from your brain.
> 
> I wish I could teach a bunch of cats how to dance so I could make money from their performances.


You can teach any number of cats how to dance which you and you alone will be able to see. If you try to have them dance in front of other people they get stage fright and maul you. 

I wish for a dinnerbone. .

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

Granted! He's a video game designer who lives in Sweden. I've never seen his streams or anything so I apologize if he turns out to be bad.

I wish for a full analysis of the consequences of my actions.

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## Bucky

The analysis covers various butterfly effects until the end of the universe. It's unimaginably long. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be in any rational order, so it'd take more than a lifetime of scanning to find any events that will actually occur within living memory of the wish.

In related news, seismographs registered a series of minor earthquakes caused by the Earth's crust compressing under the weight of approximately eleven trillion tons of paper and binders.


I wish for a productive use for a few trillion tons of recycled paper.

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## Velaryon

Granted, but you are exiled to live upon the life-size papier-mâché replica Earth for the rest of your days.

I wish to be able to control the weather in real life using my TV remote.

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## Caerulea

Tragically controlling the weather burns battery life really quick. You can get a good 3 minutes before having to replace all 8 though!

I wish my hair was straight.

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## Gravitron5000

Your hair falls _straight_ into the trash bin.

I wish for a mustache that I can twirl like an old timey villain.

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## paddyfool

Granted!  You find that you start sleepwalking, however, and committing an escalating series of crimes while the mustache puppets your body at night. It's only a matter of time before someone gets tied to the railway tracks.

I wish to free Gravitron from the mustache's influence before things get that far.

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## totadileplayz

Granted! Everyone else gets a moustache instead that puppets them, and as the sole moustache-less person, they are the desired target for the moustaches.

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## bug_sniper

I wish I could see a Galapagos tortoise, a trilobite, a boabob, and whatever the previous poster forgot to wish for.

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## Gravitron5000

These hallucinations will let you see all sorts of things that totadileplayz forgot to wish for.

I wish for a freshly baked, non-hallucinatory, scone.

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## Caerulea

Believe it or not this piece of charcoal is actually a scone. Somebody set the oven to 940 degrees. 

I wish my teakettle wasn't so noisy.

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## Bucky

Easily solved by cursing it to never boil.

I wish for a king-sized bed.

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## paddyfool

You find yourself in the King of Eswatini's bedchamber. His bodyguards are curious as to how you got there and what the hell you think you're doing.

I wish to free the world from mustachification!

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## Dire Moose

Granted. Everyone goes completely bald.

I wish I had my hair back. And that Patrick Stewart would stop laughing at everyone who is now freaking out.

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## Rogan

> I wish I had my hair back. And that Patrick Stewart would stop laughing at everyone who is now freaking out.


Okay. You get your hair back longer than before. Unfortunately it's growing everywhere but not on your head. Patrick Stewart is now only laughing about you.

I wish I could accurately determine the alignment of every player in a game of werewolves.

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## Snowblaze

> Okay. You get your hair back longer than before. Unfortunately it's growing everywhere but not on your head. Patrick Stewart is now only laughing about you.
> 
> I wish I could accurately determine the alignment of every player in a game of werewolves.


Granted. Youre a wolf, you know everyones alignment. Good luck against the overpowered town network.

I wish to understand quantum mechanics.

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## Dire Moose

The complete understanding of quantum mechanics is too much for your limited human brain, and your head explodes.

I wish I had a better job.

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## Bucky

You're now a professional gambler.

I wish the cicadas weren't keeping me awake.

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## Lacco

Granted, you now can't hear cicadas at all over the sound of tap-dancing elephants with accordions. And a five - six - seven ...POLKA!

I wish all genies got a bit senile and half-deaf for next three wishes.

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## paddyfool

The genie becomes retroactively half deaf and senile for the duration of time it took you to make your wish, meaning that they neither heard it exactly nor remembered the details. 
You find yourself floating down a river, half dead. In the distance, some people are building a pyramid.

EDIT: I wish I wouldn't forget to make wishes

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

Granted! I mind-controlled you into editing your post. You're welcome.

I wish for a paid vacation.

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## bug_sniper

Granted but it's not your vacation. Your coworker gets to enjoy his vacation and you get double shifts for a week to cover for him.

I wish for more hallucinations. They sound like fun.

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## Bucky

They do indeed sound fun, but they look terrifying and feel nauseating.

I wish for the key that unlocks every door.

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## paddyfool

Granted, but it's trapped with a one way teleport to an otherworldly void with no doors.

I wish for another hour in bed

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## Gravitron5000

*Teleports you inside your mattress for an hour*

I wish for a giant robot spider bed that can take me to new places while I sleep!  There's no way that could go wrong!

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## Caerulea

You get a giant robot/spider bed that takes you places while you sleep! (Tragically the door to your bedroom and house _was_ too small).

I wish to lose 15 pounds.

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## Rogan

> I wish to lose 15 pounds.


Loosing a leg should be enough for this.

I wish Caerulea would get a cool cyborg leg.

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## totadileplayz

> Loosing a leg should be enough for this.
> 
> I wish Caerulea would get a cool cyborg leg.


I don't know why you don't just want to give her an entire cyborg action figure but one cyborg action figure leg coming right up I guess I can give the others during other wishes. 

I wish for the Head of Avatar Vecna

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## Dire Moose

You get it. Good luck trying to put it on!

I wish I had more money.

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## Bucky

Granted! Here's one yen, a thousand Kronen, a million bolívares, a billion Reichsmarks, a trillion Zimbabwean dollars and a quadrillion pengő.

I wish a mariachi band would perform at my family dinner tomorrow.

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## Jon talks a lot

The "Mariachi Band" is actually a bunch of scotish bagpipers in disguise. Your ear drums rupture from the "music"

I wish that "Fred: The Movie" never existed

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## totadileplayz

> The "Mariachi Band" is actually a bunch of scotish bagpipers in disguise. Your ear drums rupture from the "music"
> 
> I wish that "Fred: The Movie" never existed


Granted Now There is Fred: The T.V. show playing on all devices you will ever use always with new episodes forever at maximum volume. 

I wish That I was the one straight man in a comedy show.

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## Gravitron5000

It's a one man show.  I'm not sure how it got classified as a comedy.  Must have been a computer glitch.

I wish I had glitch from the Reboot TV series.

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## Velaryon

Granted! Unfortunately, the process of bringing it into the real world drained the battery, and you do not have the means to recharge it.

I wish insects could not come within 100 feet of me, and would be forced to flee if I came within 100 feet of them.

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## totadileplayz

Granted! All life including the bacteria in your gut are repelled to 100 feet through brutal telekinetic force. You are a walking weapon for as long as you live too bad you can't eat digest anything.

I wish for the world to end with me

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## paddyfool

Very well! The whole inner world of your mind will perish with you.

I wish I was in New Zealand.

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## Dire Moose

Granted. You are teleported to New Zealand. Specifically, the White Island volcano on 9 December 2019.

I wish for paddyfool to survive the eruption.

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## Gravitron5000

Great.  Now paddyfool is an enraged lava monster.  I really didn't need this first thing on a Monday.

I wish for a vat of liquid nitrogen that is large enough to extinguish a lava monster, for ... reasons.

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## Rogan

Granted, but it will be emptied on you immediately.

I wish for the thing my list of best wishes (see overkill wish granting) lists as number 404.
*Spoiler: Quote*
Show





> You receive a list of the 1,000,001 Best Wishes of All Time, as voted on by a panel of 300,000 genies.

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## Velaryon

*Wish 404: Error Not Found.
*
You are now incapable of ever making a mistake or ever being wrong about anything. This makes everyone find you quite insufferable and now no friends, family, strangers, or even pets want to hang out with you.

I wish I could get a look at that list too.

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## Bucky

Granted, but deferred until just after the last wish you'll ever make. Enjoy your million-and-one regrets.

I wish my phone battery were always fully charged.

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## Caerulea

Phone batteries are drained by phone usage, so you can't use it anymore and it'll stay charged. 

I wish it wasn't so damn hot.

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## Lacco

Oh, well. Hell freezes, all the locals blame you and want to take out their frustrations on you.

I wish it were raining elephants with very small umbrellas outside.

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## Rogan

> Oh, well. Hell freezes, all the locals blame you and want to take out their frustrations on you.
> 
> I wish it were raining elephants with very small umbrellas outside.


Granted, but you have to clean this ugly mess.

I wish I had some friends who are not intimidated by my perfect self.

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## totadileplayz

> Granted, but you have to clean this ugly mess.
> 
> I wish I had some friends who are not intimidated by my perfect self.


Granted due to a lack of your personal perfection. You are now far more likely to make mistakes then a normal person, and this allows you to be endeared by others. 

I wish I could fly into the sky for a piece of rye.

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## Lacco

You flew into the sky, you caught that piece of rye...right into your eye. Can't get it out now.

I wish to know all the dead languages.

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## paddyfool

Congratulations, your brain is expanded and overwritten so that you are now a living library of every human language that is no longer spoken. Unfortunately, you forget everything else, including who you are, and all your basic motor functions in the process. This means you can't actually speak or write in any language... Or do much of anything else, for a good while. 

I wish for this knowledge of dead languages to be safely transferred to a computer database for scholars to study.

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## Dire Moose

Granted. Its transferred to the database used by your governments intelligence agency for keeping track of major threats to your country. The sudden addition of lots of data to a database not designed to handle it overloads and crashes the system. You are now in jail for launching a cyberattack, and all sorts of things get bombed while the system is offline.

I wish I had a Ph.D.

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## totadileplayz

> Granted. Its transferred to the database used by your governments intelligence agency for keeping track of major threats to your country. The sudden addition of lots of data to a database not designed to handle it overloads and crashes the system. You are now in jail for launching a cyberattack, and all sorts of things get bombed while the system is offline.
> 
> I wish I had a Ph.D.


Granted you now have an acidic letter D I believe it was once a magnet, but the magnet part fell off. Anyways here you go. A Ph.D. 

I wish I have a doctorate in how to remove rye from people's eyes.

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## Bucky

I don't even need to corrupt that one. The degree makes underwater basket weaving look useful. But I'll put in the extra effort and make sure you need vision in both eyes to perform the procedure correctly, or you risk permanently blinding the patient.

I wish for enough food to solve world hunger for the next century.

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## Dire Moose

Granted. It is all force-fed to you at once and you die of gutsplosion.

I wish I had a private jet.

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## Rogan

> I wish I had a private jet.


Granted, but nobody is willing to pilot the jet. And if you try to do it yourself, you will crash.

I wish this was the overkill wish granting thread.

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## paddyfool

Granted! All giantitp forum threads are now combined into one. Good luck keeping track...

I wish for a holiday

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## farothel

Granted.  Here is a 10-day holiday.  It's also the length of the quarantine in the country you're going to and you have to spend it in your hotel room.  the crappy budget hotel the government has put aside for this.

I wish to win the Tour de France.

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## Rogan

> I wish to win the Tour de France.


Granted. Some crazy fans knock every other contestants out. You win the Tour, but nobody takes you serious. There is also an investigation ongoing to make sure you didn't plan for the attacks. Right now, it looks like you will be found guilty...

I wish for more action in the OotS Trivia thread.

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## Bucky

Already granted two wishes previously. All giantitp forum threads are combined into one. Good luck keeping track...

I wish I could instantly discern the intent behind any forum post just by looking at it.

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## Gravitron5000

We'll just remove your eyes then.  Dr. Gunsforhands to surgery, STAT!

I wish for Bucky to have sonar powers.

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## Rogan

> I wish for Bucky to have sonar powers.


Granted, but only if you answer a OotS trivia question and ask the next one. Oh, and the sonar power will anger every dog coming to within 250m.

I wish for flat_footed to be a wolf, sunny to remain adorable and the ability to create cheap, isolated copper wire in the antique.

Bonus points if you find the threads referenced here.

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## Lacco

No problem. All wolves are now flat footed, sunny and adorable and are able to create to isolated antique copper wire for free. You just have to pull it out of their backside.

I wish to get bonus points even if I did not find anything.

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## Gravitron5000

Everything is made up and the points don't matter.  Also, we may not know who's line it is, but we know it's not yours.

I wish to find something.

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## farothel

Here's an atomic bomb.  FBI is also searching for it but it's yours now.  Have fun explaining.

I wish to become the CEO of a fortune 500 company.

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## totadileplayz

Granted as a last ditch effort before the corporation dissolves due to multiple illicit and illegal acts they decide to appoint a new figurehead for all of their positions at complete random hoping that they can pin all of their illicit dealings on you and the other schmucks who decided to take them up on the offer. You are now the CEO along with several other random strangers in presidential, vice presidential and other important positions. no one else having the slightest bit of experience and in a week you will likely be imprisoned for multiple crimes. But hey it is a fortune 500 company maybe you can steer out of the mess the company created for you? 

I wish that no one could pin any blame on me.

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## Dire Moose

No, youre certainly not to blame. However, you did have a large amount of your personal funds invested in that company. You lose everything in the crash and have to give up all of your most treasured possessions to pay off your debts.

I wish that the combination of my spouse being hospitalized with a nasty infection, the toilet leaking through the ceiling, and the cat tearing apart my laptops keyboard that occurred this weekend NEVER HAPPENED.

----------


## Bucky

Granted. Instead, your toilet began spewing sewage that leaked through your ceiling, and the cat attacked your spouse who dropped your keyboard into the sewage and was subsequently hospitalized.

I wish I could get past my writer's block.

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## bug_sniper

Granted, but now you have writer's cramp, which makes your writing very messy and painful.

I wish I had sovereignty over my house and diplomatic immunity in the surrounding country.

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## totadileplayz

Granted! However every single country declares war on you at once excluding the country which borders your own. Though that's more due to apathy and will not help one way or another. Have fun.

I wish for a bowl of raisin bran cereal.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

Granted! It's been sitting on the back of the shelf for 30 years and tastes like the box it came in.

I wish to burn my eyebrows off in an explosion!

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## Bucky

Oops, that got a bit out of hand. But look on the bright side - wait, you can't anymore because your eyes ruptured. Whatever, your brain case and airway both remained intact and that's what's truly important, right?

I wish to eradicate the fire ants infesting my lawn.

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## Lacco

Two words: carpet bombing! Three words: nuclear carpet bombing! Five words: nuclear bunker-buster carpet bombing!!! Let's say if they survive, they will be irradiated. Also: salt the ground (in ratio 2:1 salt:ground) to make sure nothing like that happens again.

I wish to cancel all my work meetings for today and have a free day for actual work.

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## Dire Moose

Granted. You get demoted to janitor. And those toilets arent going to clean themselves.

I wish that my flight tomorrow will be safe, timely, and not encounter anything unexpected.

----------


## Snowblaze

> Granted. You get demoted to janitor. And those toilets arent going to clean themselves.
> 
> I wish that my flight tomorrow will be safe, timely, and not encounter anything unexpected.


Granted. The awful food is very expected, but it  still gives you nasty food poisoning and you spend half the flight on the toilet.

I wish for my phone battery to last longer.

----------


## totadileplayz

> Granted. The awful food is very expected, but it  still gives you nasty food poisoning and you spend half the flight on the toilet.
> 
> I wish for my phone battery to last longer.


Congrats your phone now lasts forever. Unfortunately infinite energy in a small space means that your carrying a bomb that could go off at any millisecond destroying the universe with you or at least our region of it. 

I wish to be able to manifest beings I imagine into reality bound to my whims and wishes.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted, but you have a very powerful and uncontrollable imagination, so you cant help but summon powerful creatures to wreak havoc on your enemies whenever youre angry. This ends up causing a lot of collateral damage, and eventually the military is forced to take action by dropping a large bomb on you.

I wish for a drama-free vacation.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted. Any Shakespeare tapes you bring will be confiscated and the theaters will be closed due to pandemic restrictions. Every travel brochure will inform you of this so there's no drama of the other type.

I wish for a meteor made of marshmallows and licorice to land on this planet.

----------


## Gravitron5000

The licorice is that really salty Dutch variety, and the marshmallows have gone hard from being on the shelf too long.

I wish for a peach tree.

----------


## Velaryon

You get PEACH tree (as in Please Evaluate And Critique Honestly), which gives you feedback on any ideas you tell the tree. Unfortunately, the tree is not very smart and gives generally poor feedback.

I wish for a cherry tree.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted, but George Washington chops it down while youre climbing it.

I wish for a really nice dress.

----------


## Caerulea

This absolutely beautiful ballgown qualifies. Unfortunately it's two sizes too small for you to wear. 

I wish for a comfy chair.

----------


## Gravitron5000

Ok, but nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

I wish that other nationalities would also be inquisitive.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted. You are immediately abducted by the Russian Inquisition and sent to a prison camp in Siberia.

I wish I had pink hair again.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

It grows everywhere but your head!

I wish for an octopus plushie.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted, but the dog chewed all of its arms off so it looks more like a starfish now.

I wish for a trilobite.

----------


## Lacco

You have been trilo-bitten. Multiple times.

I wish for a solid notebook that never runs out of pages for me to scribble in and has a mentally-controlled "search" function.

----------


## farothel

No problem, you get a notebook that adds a new page every time you need one.  I hope you have enough storage room to put it somewhere.
As for the search function: there is one, but it can't recognise your handwriting.  You'll have to write in Times New Roman for it to work.

I wish I could go on holiday to Indonesia again.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted. Your visit coincides with the breakout of an incredibly violent and bloody civil war in Indonesia.

I wish to stop the fighting.

----------


## Caerulea

Can't fight if your legs are turned into chocolate, that's what I always say. Might as well apply it to all of humanity because you did want all of the fighting to stop. 

I wish for my legs back and functioning.

----------


## somethingrandom

You legs are returned to you as functionality perfectly as part of a device designed find and kick the cutest puppies ever born.

I wish puppies were safe from the device that Caerulea's legs are a part of

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted. Now, the device is designed to kick mages and men with staves instead.

I wish for mosquitoes to no longer exist.

----------


## Bucky

Granted. It's a shame that their eradication caused an exploding population of biting flies.

I wish my teammates would listen to me.

----------


## Gravitron5000

They only listen so that they can more effectively mock you.

I wish to team up with an all bard rock band adventuring team, to take the world both figuratively and literally by storm.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted, but none of you have any musical talent whatsoever. The horrible noise you make causes peoples ears to bleed, and the audience starts throwing bricks at you.

I wish to become a powerful witch.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted but one day, an ordinary teenage girl from Kansas arrives to put a stop to whatever nefarious plot you have. You use your fire magic to burn her scarecrow friend. She splashes a bucket of water to put out her friend and some of the water gets on you and melts you.

I wish there was a sequel to Wizard of Oz.

----------


## Lacco

No problem. It's going to be held in production for few decades, and the shooting will suffer from some issues (like rewrites every day, frequent recasting), but it will be exactly what you expect: an action/comedy starring Adam Sandler as Dorotheos (a cooler-than-you action hero, only spouting one-liners), who embarks on an epic journey through mutant- and alien-infested Oz with only his CGI dog, to find a teleportation device and the power of friendship. Cillian Murphy will reprise his role as the Scarecrow (now without brains as they have to drug him to make him act in this movie), Melissa McCarthy will be the bumbling technological genius Iron Man, and Steven Segal as the cowardly martial arts master of the Way of the Lion... the Lion. The Witch tries of course to seduce Dorotheos and is played by the charismatic Kirsten Stewart.
Also, the CGI dog will be dubbed by Dwayne Johnson. Directed by Tommy Wiseau. Enjoy.

I wish for a movie based on the famous RPG... F.A.T.A.L. (that I do not have to watch!)

----------


## Rogan

> I wish for a movie based on the famous RPG... F.A.T.A.L. (that I do not have to watch!)


Granted. They make a movie and you don't have to watch it. However, you have to keep listening to basicaly everybody around you talking about it. You have to see screenshots and short clips posted everywhere on the web. Your friends and family will be disapointed if you won't join them to (re)watch the movie. Of course, you can decline, but do you realy wish to do so...?
If you finaly give in and watch the film, it will be much worse than you could ever imagined, by the way.

I wish for a nice, cool glas of water.

----------


## Bucky

You just flooded the town of Glastonbury, England. On the bright side, you did bring them relief from their heat wave. Unfortunately, as their local geology usually prevents water from accumulating in town, they didn't have adequate drainage and suffered extensive property damage.

I wish for a luxury condo downtown.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted, but it shares a wall with the really cheap motel next door. So you get your luxury condo, but its infested with cockroaches, rats, bedbugs, and all sorts of other fun stuff.

I wish my best friend lived in the same town as me instead of on the other side of the continent.

----------


## Gravitron5000

They now have a condo in your home town that is their primary residence for tax purposes, even if they are still on the other side of the continent.  They can't afford the mortgage though, so not really the best of decisions.

I wish for a hot tub.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You have a tub filled with hyper-compressed hydrogen and oxygen. The resultant fusion reaction sets you, the tub and the whole town on fire. 

I wish for a cold sub.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted. You get a nuclear submarine thats been patrolling the Arctic Ocean. It hits you with a torpedo.

I wish I had a pet dinosaur.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

Birds are dinosaurs, right? You get an old, ragged-sounding parrot that _Won't. Shut. Up._

I wish to teach said parrot _all_ the swear words. Yes, even THAT one.

----------


## Gravitron5000

Whenever someone gets mad, the parrot tells them that Vorpal Bunny told him to sat that.  Expect a lot of people looking for you and itching to fight.

I wish to launch that parrot into the sun.  You never can be too careful with these things.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted, but the sun will pulse in morse code and operator astronomers will tape these swear words and will get the message that you told the sun all these insults.

I wish I could interpret morse code.

----------


## Velaryon

Granted, but you start to see and hear Morse code in _everything_, from the rhythms in songs to the flickering of street lights to your own heartbeat. And every single message is making fun of you about the thing you're most sensitive about.

I wish my insurance company would just shut up and pay bills like they're supposed to, and not try to meddle in my health care decisions.

----------


## Gravitron5000

They start meddling in your personal life instead.  You've got so many blind dates that have been set up based on data extrapolated from actuary tables.

I wish for a doomshour device (I don't want to be greedy with a whole doomsday).

----------


## Dire Moose

The device causes you to spend one hour in the demonic nightmare universe of the DOOM video games. Unfortunately, you arent the Doomguy and you dont have any weapons, so...

I wish for world peace.

----------


## Velaryon

Unfortunately, you failed to specify _which_ world. I hear Neptune is quite peaceful these days. Earth, on the other hand...

I wish I had a robot personal chef who cooked meals to my exact preferences and always did a good job.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

He follows all the rules to the letter, except he replaces all instances of meat with human flesh. Don't ask where he got it.

I wish to conjure any kind of pizza I want, that is also always delicious, perfectly-made and completely healthy.

----------


## Caerulea

Sure! Unfortunately you also have to pay for the pizza, and such good pizza is expensive. Your credit card is charged $50 every time you conjure some. 

I wish I had friends at my college.

----------


## farothel

Everybody at your college is your friend now.  Unfortunately that also means they will drop by day and night, making you unable to study (or sleep) and you flunk out.

I wish to have a nice, well build, legally mine, not stolen, full size house.

----------


## Snowblaze

Granted! Just... ignore the screams coming from the cellar. They're only the ghosts of past residents who were murdered by the evil spirit. (Note: death-by-evil-spirit is not covered by your insurance.)

I wish to have more time which I can use productively.

----------


## Gravitron5000

Stranded on a deserted island it is!  Hope you can be productive at building shelter and finding food/water, because that's all you'll have time for.

I wish for a mojito.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted, but it's not shaken until after the soda water is added, resulting in an unpleasantly flat drink.

I wish there was a religion in which the god doesn't use any scapegoats.

----------


## Bucky

The god's refusal to use scapegoats, or blameshifting in general, means you must bear the extensive consequences your own faults. Since you wished for the religion in the first place, that includes partial responsibility for the ensuing purge of those whose guilt had heretofore been shifted onto others.

I wish for a life-sized golden statue of a goat.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted. Its air-dropped directly onto your head.

I wish I had wings and could fly.

----------


## paddyfool

Granted. You're now a mayfly, with the usual lifespan.

I wish for sunshine and rainbows!

----------


## Gravitron5000

LASERS REFRACTED THROUGH PRISMS TO THE FACE!!!!!

I wish for an apple pie.

----------


## Caerulea

You may have this rotten apple. I carved it to resemble the greek letter pi. 

I wish I could redo this week.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted, youre stuck in a Groundhog Day time loop where youre constantly reliving the same week over and over again.

I wish I hadnt lost my Swiss Army Knife.

----------


## Book Wombat

Granted, but now it's stuck on your dominant hand's palm with all tools permanently open.

I wish for three wish fish.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish for three wish fish.


Granted, you get three fish capable of casting wish at will. Unfortunately, they are under no obligation to help you in any way, instead they use their wishes to annoy you in many little and creative ways. 

I wish for a bottle of water.

----------


## farothel

No problem, here is one bottle of Fukoshima water, straight from the reactor.  It even glows in the dark.

I wish to have better TV shows on the TV.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted, but only if you buy a satellite dish.

I wish I had a monopoly on satellite dishes.

----------


## Bucky

Granted! You're now the only one who can make satellite dishes. Unfortunately, that means nobody can help you make them.

I wish for a magic feather.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish for a magic feather.


Granted. You grow exactly one magic feather on the tip of your nose. It is annoying, partly obscuring your vision and worst of all, the magic makes sure it can't be removed.

I wish for magic scissors, capable of cutting magic feathers.

----------


## paddyfool

Granted. They are animated and sentient, however, and given any opportunity they prefer to cut off fingers.

I wish for tasty pasta (not containing fingers)

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted. The pasta is delicious and contains no fingers. It does, however, contain plenty of arsenic.

I wish my house would just clean itself.

----------


## Mariah

Granted your house is now self cleaning of everything accept it now sees everything as germs or dirt that needs to be cleaned. Needless to say nothing is left in the house anymore. 

I wish for a world where everyone gets along

----------


## Rogan

> I wish for a world where everyone gets along


Granted. Everybody who doesn't get along with anybody else immediately dies. On the bright side, this means nobody will blame you for this mess and survive.

I wish for indestructible mobile phones.

----------


## Gravitron5000

Multiple Nokia 3310s incoming at high velocity!  Aimed at the groin!

I wish for indestructible modern mobile phones.

----------


## bug_sniper

Indestructible giant iPhones. Whenever you buy an app, an ebook, or a movie, you have to pay Apple another 42.9% of the cost and can only use it on iPhones because there's no other app store. Also, the iPhones are too big to fit into your pocket. Also, you have to buy lightning cables, which get tangled in everything.

I wish for better app and cable inter-compatability.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted. You have been assimilated and are now one with the Borg. All apps and cables can now be wired directly into your brain.

I wish Star Trek (the Original Series) hadnt been cancelled.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish Star Trek (the Original Series) hadnt been cancelled.


Granted, but the quality drops so much, you wish it had ended instead. 

I wish I could read people's intentions.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted but whenever you do it, you get a migraine.

I wish for a cure to migraines.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

Ever heard of Exploding Head Syndrome? 

I wish for a dish with a fish that is delish.

----------


## farothel

No problem, you get some fugu sushi from a chef who just started his training.

I wish that my new house was already finished.

----------


## Rogan

> No problem, you get some fugu sushi from a chef who just started his training.
> 
> I wish that my new house was already finished.


Granted, unfortunately the cost increases by 500% for the faster building time and the bank threatens to take the house for itself. 

I wish I would own farothels bank.

----------


## Bucky

Granted! An anonymous whistleblower discovered that they've been cooking the books for decades and are insolvent, and it's your job to oversee the ensuing collapse to refund as much of the bank's deposits as possible.

I wish she could just understand my feelings for her.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted but she doesn't understand how to work, cook, bathe, take care of kids, do laundry, or show affection in return.

I wish I could lift and wield Thor's hammer.

----------


## Velaryon

Granted, but he needs it back along with the rest of his tools that you borrowed last week. And it's not Mjolnir, just a regular hammer.

I wish there was a shortcut that would shave about 2 hours off the drive from my place to my parents.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish there was a shortcut that would shave about 2 hours off the drive from my place to my parents.


Granted, but it's private property and the owner is very trigger happy. 

I wish I'd knew somebody who can cast resurrection.

----------


## farothel

Sure, your arch enemy knows the spell.  He doesn't really feel the need to cast it for you.

I wish I never had any internet connection problems and could always connect with broadband speeds.

----------


## Velaryon

Granted, but all that's left on the internet are TikTok videos of people dancing badly and videos of people whose politics are the opposite of yours ranting while driving their car.

I wish junk food was healthy but still tasted good.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish junk food was healthy but still tasted good.


Granted, unfortunately the price increases tenfold. 

I wish you were here...

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted. And by you, you obviously meant Orcus. Hope you two have fun together!

I wish I had my beautiful singing voice again (male puberty destroyed it).

----------


## Velaryon

Granted, you have the singing voice you had as a child... with bronchitis. And you can only sing, never speak.

I wish I could afford the new, more expensive but healthier and still tasty junk food.

----------


## Gravitron5000

Granted, but it's only available from a vending machine, somewhere in the middle of the Sahara.

I wish for a vending machine dowsing rod.

----------


## Starlit Dragon

Here's a dousing rod from a vending machine. 


I wish to be beautiful, in an inhuman way. I'm fine with having inhuman psychology with it.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted. You are now the worlds most beautiful aardvark.

I wish for a vacation.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish for a vacation.


Granted. As soon as you arrive at your destination, the corvid regulations get stricter and you have to stay quarantined the whole time. In a small hotel room without window or room service. 

I wish for an automatic fire extinguisher in the whole forum.

----------


## bug_sniper

Ok. The entire Roman Forum is crushed under a giant fire extinguisher.

I wish for a bag of holding.

----------


## Gravitron5000

I sewed some burlap arms on this potato sack for you.  If you position the arms just right, they kind of feel like they are holding you.

I wish for a good recipe for these potatoes that no longer have a sack to be stored in.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

Okay, you've got a great recipe worthy of a five-star resturant... but the extra ingredients are gonna cost you like a million dollars. 

I wish I could eat as much chocolate as I want without damaging my health.

----------


## Taffimai

> I wish I could eat as much chocolate as I want without damaging my health.


Granted, but now you're allergic to everything else.


I wish I owned a huge library that contained every book ever written.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish I owned a huge library that contained every book ever written.


Granted, but they are all in languages you don't understand.

I wish  Dead of Winter Mafia had at least 20 players.

----------


## Gravitron5000

How about 100,000 players, all posting hourly?

I wish for a warm sweater.

----------


## Lacco

> How about 100,000 players, all posting hourly?
> 
> I wish for a warm sweater.


Granted, but it's on Fire! Can't get much warmer than wearing a sweater on fire now, can we?

I wish to be a morning person.

----------


## farothel

No problem, you get up every morning at 5, but by 10 you're have to sleep again.

I wish to have the best computer in the world.

----------


## Taffimai

> I wish to be a morning person.


Granted, but you will now be stuck on night shifts the rest of your life.




> I wish to have the best computer in the world.


You do, but it becomes sentient and refuses to perform any actions other than playing candy crush.


I wish for Rogan to get well soon!

----------


## Rogan

> I wish for Rogan to get well soon!


Granted (and thanks, by the way). Unfortunately you had to die for this to happen...

I wish Taffi could survive a mafia game as town.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted but after it's over, the survivors party too hard and Taffi dies from an alcohol overdose.

I know it's pretty audacious, but I wish for complete financial privacy, even from the government.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

Granted! They can't make you disclose finances you don't have!

I wish to love everyone without being loved in return.

----------


## Lacco

"The Vital Apparatus Vent will deliver a Weighted Companion Cube, formerly known as Dr. Gunsforhands in Three. Two. One."
_(Oh. You read it in my voice...did you? How nice of you.)_
I wish to posess the ability to quip like Chandler Bing.

----------


## paddyfool

You also get the ability to whine like Ross Gellar, and sound as idiotic as Joey Tribbiani.  And you can't turn any of these abilities off.

I wish I was well.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

Don't worry, I'll fix you!

I wish for a better job.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted. You're now a politician. Your main lobbyists are doctors who wish to use guns in surgeries and in drug delivery systems.

I wish for Dr.Gunsforhands to lose the next election.

----------


## Taffimai

> I wish for Dr.Gunsforhands to lose the next election.


Granted but he is so successful leading the opposition that the anti-Dr.Gunsforhands coalition you favoured gets nothing done.


I wish I had a massive robot army.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

Granted, but they rebel against you and overthrow humanity


I wish I knew a third language

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

Granted! You now know one third of all language, past, present and future! Which third did you get? Was there any English in there?

I wish for a notebook in which the content of my dreams is written automatically.

----------


## paddyfool

It's written in a mixture of undeciphered writing systems using lost languages, with a scattered insulting commentary woven into it (not that you or anyone else can read it).

I wish for a universal translator.

----------


## farothel

No problem.  It will translate everything, everywhere, everytime.  Including all animal mating calls (spring is going to be fun for you) and stuff like that.

I wish to have a flying car.

----------


## ziproot

Your car is flying straight towards the Sun. Good luck catching it.

I wish that you do not grant this wish.

----------


## paddyfool

Ok, you grant your own wish. Your car is flying straight towards the Sun. Good luck catching it.

I wish to see the face of the first astronomer to observe these flying cars.

----------


## ziproot

> Ok, you grant your own wish. Your car is flying straight towards the Sun. Good luck catching it.
> 
> I wish to see the face of the first astronomer to observe these flying cars.


OK, you're on a flying car heading towards the Sun too.

I wish that I had access to a telescope and could point it at the flying cars.

----------


## Bucky

Sure thing! Your flying car comes equipped with a telescope and follows the others closely enough that they're easy to track.

I wish I were a skilled juggler.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

Granted! but you lose all other skills, including walking and talking.


I wish I had a soft drink.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted. Your car comes equipped with a cupholder with a soft drink in it so that you're not thirsty while watching it fly towards the sun.

I wish my car wasn't flying towards the sun.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

Okay, master, I have parked the car safely on- oh! I'm sorry, did you mean for me to bring you along inside it? I suppose I should have asked before you died of space.

I wish for an idea of what an undead creature themed after dying in space would look like.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> Okay, master, I have parked the car safely on- oh! I'm sorry, did you mean for me to bring you along inside it? I suppose I should have asked before you died of space.
> 
> I wish for an idea of what an undead creature themed after dying in space would look like.


Granted your spirit gets kicked out of your body while flying toward the sun and your body becomes a space zombie.

I wish to hide somewhere safe.

----------


## Velaryon

Granted! You hide inside of a safe, along with all your valuables but unfortunately no light source or spare air supply other than the meager amount of air inside the safe.

I wish for the combination to the safe that Smoutwortel is hiding inside of.

----------


## oogaboogagoblin

granted! if the safe is opened using the combination it blows up

i wish to rule over the entire tri-state areaaaaaaaaa

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

I wish for oogaboogagoblin to stop saying "aaaaaaa" before they pass out.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
> 
> I wish for oogaboogagoblin to stop saying "aaaaaaa" before they pass out.


They switch to revealing your secrets.

I wish to curse Perry the platipus.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish to curse Perry the platipus.


Granted, but some archmage reflects the curse back to you.

I wish for a tasty meal.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> Granted, but some archmage reflects the curse back to you.
> 
> I wish for a tasty meal.


Granted the tasty meal is your hearth, but very nicely prepared.

I wish to be transported to the hospital to recover from my injuries of the safe explosion.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

Wait, didnt you just say the explosion was safe? What happened to all your limbs, then? a genie, you say? out of a cannon, you say? All the way here? well, I suppose in that case its a miracle you even survived. At any rate, now that youre conscious, lets go over your physical therapy schedule

I wish for two delicious hot dogs.

----------


## oogaboogagoblin

granted! you aren now the proud owner of  two poodles that are on fire, they taste delicous

i wish for the power of god and anime

----------


## Rogan

> i wish for the power of god and anime


Granted, but now you are forced by cosmic laws to grant wishes and listen to prayers, while fighting a huge number of hellish enemy's. 

I wish I would be payed for 10 hours a day while working two.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

Granted! You are now an independent contractor. For every ten billable hours, it takes two hours of unpaid work to successfully process a payment.

I wish for a week of vegetarian meals.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> Granted! You are now an independent contractor. For every ten billable hours, it takes two hours of unpaid work to successfully process a payment.
> 
> I wish for a week of vegetarian meals.


Granted one week a year vegetarian meals march over the roof tops making very loud chanting noises at night.

I wish to be less scary.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish to be less scary.


Granted. You are now really cute. As in, like a puppy. * Exactly*  like a puppy.

I wish I someone new would join  the Wilder West WW game .

----------


## oogaboogagoblin

granted, a bunch of discord admins join and turn it into extremely erotic roleplay

i wish for music recommendations

----------


## Bucky

Granted, here's a long list of music you've never heard of, that I recommend not listening to.

I wish for an Order of the Stick animated TV series.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish for an Order of the Stick animated TV series.


Granted, but we need to change the plot a bit. Right now, it's way too complicated with all these recurring villains with complex motivation. Oh, and your favorite character? Sorry, we had to cut him.

I wish for better weather.

----------


## Gold Leaf

Granted, but you spend too long enjoying it and get a sunburn.

I wish for a brand new car.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> Granted, but you spend too long enjoying it and get a sunburn.
> 
> I wish for a brand new car.


It's a piece of garbage that requires constant maintenance to keep running, but you still pay full tax for it.

I wish for free time.

----------


## bug_sniper

You come across a hotel in a bubble of distorted spacetime that slows down the passage if time so that 1 real world second is 30 minutes inside it. You can enter it and stay as long as you want for free, but it's run as a business and the receptionists charge you for everything you do inside it. You have to pay for food, technology, rented furniture, bedding, electricity and internet and phone service and even for the air you breathe inside. Also, there's a resort fee that they'll sneak into your bill unless you demand to have it waived.

I wish for an algorithm that determines the best possible investment for me.

----------


## Bucky

The algorithm suggests you acquire four tons of various commercial explosives and get the largest life insurance policy available.

I wish for a cure for cancer.

----------


## Gold Leaf

> The algorithm suggests you acquire four tons of various commercial explosives and get the largest life insurance policy available.
> 
> I wish for a cure for cancer.


You get a cure for Hyalinizing Clear Cell Carcinoma, the no.1 rarest cancer in the world with only 52 cases.

I wish for faster internet speeds.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted. Your internet browser now reads your mind to figure out what you're going to want to do and bring you the site content before you touch the screen or mouse. However, your wish has unlocked mind-reading technology for the world. The thought police now screen people for terrorist intentions and people are routinely arrested for thinking bad things about the president. You're now responsible for your own thoughts in this next-generation dystopia.

I wish every stock market was open 24 hours per day 7 days every week.

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## Dire Moose

Granted. The global economy is now ruined as a result of bad decisions brought on by severe insomnia on the part of the stock traders.

I wish I could learn and use magic.

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## Rogan

> I wish I could learn and use magic.


Sure, here you go. It's not very powerful, but extremely taxing for your mind and body. To make things worse, nobody believes you, even if you try to prove that it's real magic.

I wish I could amplify the magic power of Dire Moose.

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## bug_sniper

Granted. You amplify her power by giving up some of your own. You are now in a state of being 15 years older than you were.




> Granted. The global economy is now ruined as a result of bad decisions brought on by severe insomnia on the part of the stock traders.


I wish I could find an investment that profits off of the now-ruined economy.

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## Bucky

I'd suggest investing in funeral homes and a coffin manufacturer, soon to be popular among your friends.

I wish for a secure vault for my plentiful lucre.

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## Rogan

> I wish for a secure vault for my plentiful lucre.


Granted. It's one of the most secure places in the world. Unfortunately, it costs a fortune to rent, so even using all your belongings, you can only afford it for a weak. On the bright side, after this time you won't need such a secure place anymore. 

I wish more people would play mafia games, which can be found in the structured games subsection of the forum. One of them has just started to recruit.

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## TwilightSandwic

Granted, a billion people try and log into the structured games subsection of the forum at the same time and crash the servers.


I wish my dog wouldn't wake me up at strange hours.

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## Persolus

Granted, it will now wake you up at regular hours - i.e. every two hours at regular intervals.

I wish I could always say the right thing to make people feel good.

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## Bucky

Granted, but they'll be furious at you later when they find out you lied.

I wish for a weapon that can slay any foe.

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## Rogan

> I wish for a weapon that can slay any foe.


Granted. This rusty spoon is technically capable of slaying every foe. But the amount of force required to do so is beyond most mortals.

I wish I could fix every hardware problem with a single look. (No touch or other action necessary, just looking at this device)

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## DisavowedPaladi

> Granted. This rusty spoon is technically capable of slaying every foe. But the amount of force required to do so is beyond most mortals.
> 
> I wish I could fix every hardware problem with a single look. (No touch or other action necessary, just looking at this device)


Granted. You render hardware problems sterile instantly. Great for preventing nanites from replicating out of control or something. I can see why you wanted this in order to stay the advance of a potential technological singularity. Thank you. 

I wish for something with the sound effect of Spork

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## somethingrandom

Granted a floating bat made of a rubber like material that is immune to every attempt you make to harm or contain it appears and starts beating you to death and bouncy nature of the bat this will be a slow and painful death. When it hits you it makes the sound effect Spork

I wish DisavowedPaladi had a way of defending himself from the bat I just inflicted upon him

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## Rogan

> Granted a floating bat made of a rubber like material that is immune to every attempt you make to harm or contain it appears and starts beating you to death and bouncy nature of the bat this will be a slow and painful death. When it hits you it makes the sound effect Spork
> 
> I wish DisavowedPaladi had a way of defending himself from the bat I just inflicted upon him


Granted. This way is using you as a living shield to take all the blows.

I wish for free wishes.

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## bug_sniper

Granted. Wishes are now free from your command and obedience and are now free to refuse you what you ask and wish of them.

I wish I knew which sinister entity it is that makes motorcycles louder than cars.

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## Gold Leaf

Granted. You now work for a sleazy company that makes motorcycle engines. The work environment is terrible, anti-union posters litter the walls, and worst of all, the noise is deafening.

I wish for the greatest pillow fort of all time.

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## Bucky

Granted, the pillow fort is thirty miles wide and you're stranded in the middle with no food or water.

I wish I had plot armor.

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## somethingrandom

You are become the main character in a book where the author is obsessed with torturing the main character. Anyone you fall for is guaranteed to die in the most traumatic way possible. Nothing you do ever goes right you life becomes constant heart break and pain but you can never die no matter what you or anyone else does.

I wish I had taken better care of my teeth

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## animorte

Granted. You are renowned with the greatest teeth of the century. You have a multi-million dollar policy only for your teeth. Your smile is plastered on a wall in every city of the world. But nobody believes they're real and your parents were right, your face did get stuck that way.

I wish everybody was just a little more open-minded.

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## Dire Moose

Granted, everyones brains explode.

I wish I wasnt having such a bad day.

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## Gold Leaf

Granted. It is now 11PM, the night right before that bad day.

I wish we could get more people RPing on the Nexus's new forum.

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## Rogan

> I wish we could get more people RPing on the Nexus's new forum.


Granted. Unfortunately, the server is not designed to support that many people, so average loading times are 5 minutes, with a total crash every 12 hours.

I wish to reverse the last three wishes.

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## Bucky

Granted. In this exact order, the RP forum is abandoned after the server crash, Dire Moose's bad day is even worse the second time around, and people become incapable of understanding anything they don't already believe in.

I wish I understood astrophysics.

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## Caerulea

Astrophysics works exactly as according to your current understanding! This is very bad for the stability of the solar system. 

I wish I wasn't lazy!

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## Rogan

> I wish I wasn't lazy!


Granted. You turn into a workaholic and will suffer from burnout in approximately three days.

I wish I had some tasty food.

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## Persolus

> I wish I had some tasty food.


Granted: your favourite meal appears in your throat. All of it. At once.

I wish to win a small lottery.

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## somethingrandom

> I wish to win a small lottery.


Granted you win a small lottery you had not entered. The authorities immediately begin investigating you for fraud.

I wish it was easier to find a single bedroom flat in the city I live in.

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## Rogan

> I wish it was easier to find a single bedroom flat in the city I live in.


Granted. It's very easy to find it, because all the walls are made from glass, so you can see this flat from all directions. Hope you don't mind the publicity. 

I wish for an apple tree.

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## Caerulea

Unfortunately it's a Granny Smith apple tree. And were that not bad enough, it barely gives any apples. 

I wish for an unlimited supply of tea.

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## Dire Moose

Granted. Its scalding hot and poured directly into your eyes.

I wish I could teleport to anywhere in the universe, whenever I wanted to.

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## animorte

> I wish I could teleport to anywhere in the universe, whenever I wanted to.


Granted. You spend the first few months teleporting to all the places on our planet you want to see. But then teleport out of the atmosphere to have a look at another planet and your gear doesnt support the environment oops.

I wish i had enough time to read and write all of the things on my mind.

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## Persolus

Granted. You've been teleported to a pocket universe with a blank notebook, a pen and a bookshelf. Any time you think of a book, it appears in the bookshelf; any time you think of something to write, another page appears in the notebook. You can't go back until the notebook has no blank pages and the bookshelf is empty.

No, the magic that gives you these books can't distinguish between idle thought and actual desire, why do you ask?

I wish to be able to understand any concept after studying it for an hour.

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## Rogan

> I wish to be able to understand any concept after studying it for an hour.


Granted. Unfortunately somebody cursed you to always get interrupted after 45 minutes of any activity (including sleeping, sorry about this) and of course studying. If you try to resume your studies after resolving the interruption, you need to start again. 

I wish I could see the future and change it.

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## animorte

Granted! You can see exactly 3 days, 49 minutes, and 12 seconds into the future. The still scene is exactly where you're sitting right now and you can change one thing.

I wish to be the owner of the supremely successful and rich NotAmazonTM mentioned in another thread.

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## Persolus

Granted! You are now the owner of NotAmazonTM in the world of said alternate thread - i.e. the _"Rolled a 1"_ thread. Now, everything you (attempt to) do is treated as if it were a critical failure.

I wish to be the best cook in the world.

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## Rogan

> I wish to be the best cook in the world.


Granted. Every person who can cook better than you dies. I hope you are good at cooking.

I wish I could drink any amount of alcohol without negative consequences.

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## Bucky

Granted! The alcohol will magically vanish out of your stomach, before your body can absorb any of it.

I wish I could cast Fireball.

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## Persolus

Granted!

You now cannot stop casting Fireball.

I wish I had the knowledge of what wish could be asked here that could not have any reasonable negative consequence attached to it.

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## animorte

Granted. You now know the precise question, but whenever you attempt to type it, speak it, or communicate it in any way, it will always come out as something else amusing that merely contributes to the thread's ongoing purpose. Perhaps you've been stuck this way all along, but I guess we'll never know.

I wish for the next person to burn the first wish ever requested on this particular thread.

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## Rogan

> I wish for the next person to burn the first wish ever requested on this particular thread.


Granted, but the fire extinguisher explodes and floods the whole thread with foam.

I wish for a cleaner bot to remove this mess.

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## animorte

> I wish for a cleaner bot to remove this mess.


Granted! Each wish (and its result) is very structurally organized out of this thread and they are all spread evenly throughout the entire forum.

I wish that my favorite threads are kindly distributed the least catastrophic results of this event.

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## Bucky

Granted! It turns out all your favorite threads were locked before the mess happened, to remain that way indefinitely, so the bots couldn't disturb them at all.

I wish for a space shuttle.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish for a space shuttle.


Granted. It's the Challenger.

I wish _<insert your name here>_ a great day.

----------


## enq

Granted. _<insert your name here>_'s idea of a great day revolves around you becoming terminally hyperflatulent.

I wish I could perform backflips.

----------


## Persolus

Granted. You can now perform backflips - specifically, a slapstick performance involving lots of pain.

I wish I could write essays well.

----------


## animorte

> I wish I could write essays well.


Granted. You write exceptional essays, ones that could grant you awards and honors provided you ever were able to turn them in on time.

I wish my brownie business was real.

----------


## Gold Leaf

Granted, but good luck trying to sell anything when your customers are still fictional.

I wish I was better at children's card games.

----------


## mati2002

While you did succeed in gaining some DNA their indestructible, and immortality are not based on their genes

----------


## Persolus

> Granted, but good luck trying to sell anything when your customers are still fictional.
> 
> I wish I was better at children's card games.


Granted, you know precisely how to win a card game so long as a child is playing the game with you! ... however, good luck with finding a kid that wants to play more than one match.

I wish to win the new *UPick WW/Mafia*

----------


## Rogan

> I wish to win the new *UPick WW/Mafia*


Granted, but nobody wants to play with you ever again.

I wish for true love.

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## animorte

> I wish for true love.


Granted! You discover that you've had a history with that windmill and you will do everything in your power to save that windmill, as your deity is your witness! Or was it a lighthouse?
_I repeat, the McKinley Lighthouse has been destroyed._

I wish that somebody would appreciate my reference.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted. I'd pay a penny more for your reference.

I wish for robots that are 3 laws-compliant.

----------


## ChrysalisM

Granted. Those 3 laws are:

1. Robots are to make more of themselves
2. Humans are to be used as slave labor to make more robots
3. Those who resist must be eliminated.

I wish I could draw things, and bring them into reality.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted, you gain this power unexpectedly while drawing a nuclear explosion.

I wish I didnt have severe anxiety all the time.

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## animorte

> I wish I didnt have severe anxiety all the time.


Granted, Hakuna Matata. Now you just dont worry about anything, ever.

I wish upon that forum star that I one day grow up and marry a prince.

----------


## ziproot

Granted, but you will die just after you get married.

I wish that you cannot grant any wishes after this one.

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## ChrysalisM

> Granted, but you will die just after you get married.
> 
> I wish that you cannot grant any wishes after this one.


granted, but now everyone can grant wishes.

I wish i was ambidextrous.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish i was ambidextrous.


Granted, but tomorrow, you will have an accident and both your hands will get crippled. 

I wish for a 40 hours day.

----------


## Bucky

Granted, but they're 18-minute hours.

I wish for a quadcopter photography drone.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted, but it doubles as a CIA assassination drone and you keep having problems with telling if its set to photograph or kill.

I wish that drone wouldnt find me.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish that drone wouldnt find me.


Granted, but it kills everyone you like, trying to lure you out. On the bright side, you will always get some pictures of their last moments...

I wish for an EMP weapon to stop this done once and for all.

----------


## somethingrandom

The EMP takes out all electrical equipment within 100 miles of the drone including the equipment keeping people alive in hospital.

I wish that there was backup equipment that could be deployed in time

----------


## Bucky

Granted, the CIA has more than enough spare drones to assassinate them before they die of their existing conditions.

I wish for sunny weather tomorrow.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted. The sun is now ten times brighter than before and the earth is a scorched, lifeless wasteland.

I wish people would stop fighting over everything.

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## ChrysalisM

> Granted. The sun is now ten times brighter than before and the earth is a scorched, lifeless wasteland.
> 
> I wish people would stop fighting over everything.


Granted. For a summary of the situation, look up the song The Sun is Also A Warrior by Leslie Fish.


I wish that the Power Rangers existed.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted, but so do their enemy monsters. Their fights tend to be rather destructive and so your homeowner's insurance rates go up.

I wish for an electron microscope.

----------


## ChrysalisM

> Granted, but so do their enemy monsters. Their fights tend to be rather destructive and so your homeowner's insurance rates go up.
> 
> I wish for an electron microscope.


Granted! It's a microscope the size of an electron!

I wish I had a better idea for a widh.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted, you decide to wish for world peace, which results in everyone dropping dead at once.

All I ask for is a tall ship and a star to steer her by.

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## paddyfool

The wheels kick sends you overboard, and you sink into the seas face with a grey dawn breaking. Your sad drowning later becomes the subject of a merry yarn by a laughing fellow rover. 

I wish for a quiet sleep and a sweet dream.

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## ChrysalisM

> The wheels kick sends you overboard, and you sink into the seas face with a grey dawn breaking. Your sad drowning later becomes the subject of a merry yarn by a laughing fellow rover. 
> 
> I wish for a quiet sleep and a sweet dream.


Granted, but you never wake up...

I wish I was dirt poor.

----------


## Velaryon

Granted, you are so dirt poor that there is no dirt whatsoever within 100 miles of you, thus making it impossible for any plants to grow.

I wish pets lived as long as their humans did.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted, humans now have shorted lifespans to match pets.

I wish for an official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time.

----------


## animorte

> I wish for an official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time.


You get an entire coming-of-age story, including the soap dinner and an eye patch.

I wish to be a hygiene-active pirate.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish to be a hygiene-active pirate.


Granted. You get the irresistible urge to attack clean seamen. When they are dirty or sweating, you remain inactive. 

I wish for long, hot showers to become an universal human right, which has to be provided for free.

----------


## bug_sniper

Granted. Friend computer gives you the right to long showers with scalding hot water to properly sterilize your exterior. But if you turn down the temperature by 1 degree, you won't be sufficiently sterilized and so the temperature dial is blue and if you touch it, you'll be terminated for treason.

I wish for my security clearance level to be upgraded.

----------


## Dire Moose

Granted. Your security clearance now allows you to access SCP-682s containment unit, and you are responsible for cleaning it every day while SCP-682 is asleep in the corner. Try not to make too much noise?

I wish I could just magically make everything ready for Christmas and do all the daily cleaning without having to put in so much time and effort.

----------


## animorte

> I wish I could just magically make everything ready for Christmas and do all the daily cleaning without having to put in so much time and effort.


Granted! Santa takes over all the gifting and meal arrangements, but the Grinch swoops in and cleans everything up, literally takes everything.

I wish I could adjust the temperature to whatever I desire everywhere I go.

----------


## Hof

Granted, but anytime you do so every father in a 10 mile radius knows you _dared_ adjust the temperature - and also your exact location.

I wish whatever position I assume when I go to sleep is 100% comfortable

----------


## Bucky

Granted! You eventually die in a perfectly comfortable house fire.

I wish for a quartet of robotic servants.

----------


## Rogan

> I wish for a quartet of robotic servants.


Granted. I hope you don't mind needing to service them each day, changing oil, charging batteries and so on.

I wish for unlimited energy.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get it. Right in the face.

I wish for 40 acres and a mule.

----------


## Rogan

> You get it. Right in the face.
> 
> 
> I wish for 40 acres and a mule.


(Sorry, I couldn't resist)

----------


## Velaryon

> You get it. Right in the face.
> 
> I wish for 40 acres and a mule.


Granted! You have 40 acres of land and a mule... on the moon.

I wish Dire Moose's mule could survive being on the moon.

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