# Forum > Discussion > Friendly Banter >  Tell A Joke!

## DarthArminius

There was once was a woman who died in a car crash. She went to the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Seeing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he told her , "In order to enter Heaven, you must spell the word, "Love". The woman smiled. "L-O-V-E". Peter nodded and smiled, saying, "Come in." Well the woman was given the job to greet people who came to the Pearly Gates and give them a spelling test to enter. Her husband had passed away a few days after she did, and she was pleasantly surprised to see him at the Pearly Gates so soon.

She asked him, "How did you die?" The man said, "My date killed me after I asked to bring her home on the first date."
The woman was furious, but she remained calm. "If you want to come into Heaven, you have to spell just one thing to come in." Excited to get into Heaven, the man asked, "What do I have to spell?"

Smiling, the woman stated. "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysil  iogogogoch."

----------


## GrayDeath

A Joke.I told you
There hasto be another
FunnyHaiku here

----------


## KillianHawkeye

What kind of dog is great at magic tricks?
*Spoiler*
Show

A labracadabrador.

----------


## Rater202

Three men are wandering through the jungle or so on. Their guide is very, very insistent that they only stay in designated routes and so on, because part of the jungle isn't controlled by the countries government but by an indigenous group that shuns modern technology and hates outsiders and that there are rumors that they even still practice cannibalism. There are treaties in place between the government and the tribe that mean the Government will not interfere as long as they stay in their territory and the tribe can deal with trespassers as they see fit, so if you get lost in the tribe's territory, you're on your own. One of the men scoffs and dismisses it as a ghost story.

On the last day of the trip, they go rafting on a river, but there is a freak storm and the winds and rains combined with the currents capsize their raft. They wash up a few miles down the river, and their guide is freaking out because he recognizes some trees that only grow in the territory of the indigenous tribe, and he's like "we need to get out of here now." That same man scoffs, and tells the guide off for being paranoid.

Unfoturitnately, in their attempt to get out of the tribe's territory they are spotted by a group of hunters carrying their big game, some kind of cervine native to the area, and some of the hunters surround them and bring them back on their way to the Tribe's main village. The guide and two of the men are panicking, but that same man scoffs again becuase they're still carrying the animal they were bringing back and why would you do that if you eat people?

When they get to the village the leader of the Tribe comes out, says a few things, and when he notices that the guide understands him and pulls him aside to talk to him.

The guiud comes back a few minutes later with a look of utter despair upon his face.

"As we have been found tresspassing in their territory, we are to be killed in accordance with the customs of their people. We will be executed, butchered, out flesh will be eaten, tools will bemade from our bones, and our skins will be stretched, tanned, and used to make canous, but... In the tribe someone who is condemned to death is allowed to choose their own method of execution."

The first man says he wants to be hung. The Guide says this to the leader of the tribe and the leader of the tribe has a man take him by the arm and drag him off out of sight. The second man says he's always been fascinated by the french revolution and askes to be decapitated, the guide sys this to the leader and the man is escorted out of sight by a second tribeman called up by the Tribal LEader.

The third man, the man whod scoffed at the guide's warnings all through the trip, asks for a fork. The guide says this and, confused, the tribal leader has someone bring him a fork. The ma immieidatly starts stabbing himself with the fork all over his arms and legs and chestand causing the tibesmne to all freak out. The leader says something and the guide translates "He wants to know what the hell you're doing!?"

"Tell them I'm ruining their boat!" he say and then burries the fork in his own throat and bleeding out.

The leader of the tribe turns to the guide and says "what the hell was wrong with him? What about 'would you like to join us for a dinner of fresh fruit and wild deer before we take you back to your people' would make him kill himself in such a slow and painful manner?"

"I don't know," the guide says barely supressing a smile, "he was kind of a dumbass."

----------


## SZbNAhL

After a particularly severe storm, a village in Oxfordshire finds that the small river on which it was built is about to burst its banks. Due to an ancient charter, Oxford University is required to assist them, so they send three academics: a structural engineer, a chemical engineer, and a literary critic.

The structural engineer suggests building a concrete dam to stem the river, and the mayor calls in a construction company to do the job. A week later, the dam is completed, but in a few days the rivers current becomes more intense, and the dam crumbles.

Next, the chemical engineer suggests adding a gelatin solution to the river, to solidify the whole thing. He calls in a favour from an old student who runs a chemical company, and they deliver a half ton of customised gelatinising solution. They add it to the river near the source, and the whole river turns to gelatin. However, a few days later, the current of the river becomes even stronger, and the water pressure at the source starts to break the gelatin apart.

Then, out of nowhere, an awful thunderstorm appears over the town. The heavy rain starts to make the river flood. In a last ditch attempt, the literary critic steps up to the river bank. He coughs softly, purses his lips, takes a momentary glance at his fingernails, and says I suppose this river is adequate. Suddenly, the flooding stops.

The other two academics rush to the critics side and ask How the hell did you stop the river from flooding? Simple," he replies, "I dammed it with faint praise".

----------


## Lacco

Animal jokes!

Most of these work better when you act them out. My kids love'em.

A rabbit sees a bear walking through the forest.
"Where are you going, bear?"
"Shopping abroad, behind the border."
"Oooh. Can I come?"
"You have a passport?"
"Nope."
"Well, jump into my breast pocket. We'll make it work."

The rabbit jumps into bear's breast pocket and the bear walks to the customs house. An officer walks out.

"Hello Mr. Bear. Where are you going?"
"Shoping abroad."
"Again? Well, you know the drill. Passport please."
The bear takes a passport from his back pocket and hands it over.
"Here you go."
"Anything to declare...?"
"Nooope."
Officer's eyes narrow with suspicion.
"...and what do you have in your breast pocket...?"

The bear answers, punctuating the answer by hitting the breast pocket.
"Here?" **BUMP** "In **BUMP** this **BUMP** little **BUMP** pocket? **BUMP** ...a photo of a rabbit."



A bear sits in front of his cave, with a notepad and pen. He sees a wolf walking nearby.

"Hey, wolf, Come here. I'm going to eat you tomorrow for breakfast. See? I'm writing it down. 'W-O-L-F... b-r-e-a-k-f-a-s-t... t-o-m-o-r-r-o-w.' Okay, so - tomorrow, you'll come here, in the morning, so that I can eat you. Any questions? No questions? You are now on the list, I've written you down. Now scram."

Wolf leaves, completely crushed. The bear, in good mood, sees a fox.

"Hey, fox! Come here! I'm going to eat you tomorrow for lunch. See? I'm writing it down. 'F-O-X... l-u-n-c-h... t-o-m-o-r-r-o-w.' So, tomorrow, you'll come here, around lunch, so that I can eat you. You are now on the list. Any questions? No questions? I've written you down. Now run along."

Fox leaves, terrified. The bear notices a rabbit hopping around.

"Hey, rabbit! Come here! I'm going to eat you tomorrow for supper. See? I'm writing it down. 'R-A-B-B-I-T... s-u-p-p-e-r... t-o-m-o-r-r-o-w.' Now, listen closely: tomorrow, you'll come here, in the evening, so that I can eat you. You are now on my list. Any questions?" 

"Yeah, a question: what if I don't come tomorrow?"

The bear thinks for a moment.

"Well in that case, I'm striking you out from the list."



I know, these are much funnier in person.

----------


## denthor

What do the movie titanic and the sixth sense have in common?













 Icey people 

I will show myself out!

----------


## Rater202

Two nurses are talking. "It's so weird," says one who works in the burn unit, "we don't normally get transfers from your department. And Mr. Lance has such severe burns, too."

"It's my fault, really," the nurse who worked in dermatology explained. "He came in with a nasty boil and I must have misheard the doctor's instructions when the patient grabbed my ass."

----------


## Fyraltari

I am a functionning adult.

*Spoiler: Okay, an actual joke*
Show

So there's this endangered species of tiny monkeys called the schwarbueley who lives in the Amazonian forest. In fact, it's so endangered that there's only three of them left. And there's this stupidly wealthy French man who's obsessed with schwarbueleys. He's got schwarbueley paintings, recording of schwarbueley mating cries, schwarbueley statues, schwarbueley wallpaper,custom-made schwarbueley underwear, everything. But one day he decides that this isn't enough, he needs to own one real, live schwarbueley as a pet. So he cancels all his plans for the near future and drives to the Roissy airport where he has his (schwarbueley-painted) private jet fly him straight to Brazil, at the nearest airport to the Amazonian forest. Once, there, he buys enough food for a week as well as hunting equipment, rents a car and hires a local guide who knows where to find schwarbueleys. The guide explains that there's a pond where they sometimes come to drink. They go there and hide and wait for three days. The man's excitment grows with every passing hour and every night he dream of his new schwarbueley pet. On the third day, at dusk, he finally spots a schwarbueley come to drink at the pond. He shoots the schwarbueley with a soporific dart and bolts out to collect his prize. He is so elated with finally holding a schwarbueley in his hands that he's on the verge of tears. Composing himself he places the schwarbueley in a shoe box and and drives back to civilisation. He pays the guide handsomely, give the car back to the rental, climbs aboard his (schwarbueley-painted jet) and lies back to Roissy where he drives back to his apartment. There, with almost religious awe, he opens the box and finds it empty! the schwarbueley vanished into thin air! Furious, he drives back to the airport, climbs back into his (schwarbueley-painted) private jet and flies back to Brazil. There he buys some more food, rents the same car and finds the same guide. He has to promise to pay him twice as before as the guide was happy with spending time with his family. They go back to the pound, set up camp again and wait. The man's frustration grows with every passing minute. He was so close to owning a pet schwarbueley! He dreams of it every night, and that's all he talks about. Their food strts running short, so they hunt the local wildlife and eat some local fruits (the guide shows him which are safe and which aren't). Finally after three weeks, another schwarbueley, even tinier than the first one comes to drink. The man shoots it with a soporific dart and places it inside a match box, that he palces inside a shoe box that he ties tight with several ropes so that it can't come undone and drives back to civilization. He pays the guide three times what he paid him before, gives the car back, climbs back aboard his (schwarbueley-painted) jet, flies back to Roissy and drives back to Paris. He is dirty, exhausted and a nervous wreck but he'll finally be able to rest. So he puts the shoebox on a table, unties it, opens it and takes the matchbox out. Delicately he opens it as he is overcomed with emotion at the thought of finally owning a schwarbueley. But it is empty! The man is devasted. More furious than he ever was, he drives back to Roissy, climbs aboard his (schwarbueley-painted) private jet and flies back to the Amazonian, he doesn't even bother buying food or hiring the guide again, as soon as he's inside a car he drives back to the pond. He sets up camp and once again strts waiting. And waiting. And waiting. All alone with his frustration and anger rising with every second he starts hearing schwarbueley cries where there are none and seeing imaginary schwarbueley, he hunts for food and sets up traps but all he can think about is the last schwarbueley somewhere in the forest. He calls it with every fiber of his being. Then, finally, after three months of waiting, the last schwarbueley on Earth comes to drink. The man shoots it with a soporific dart and places it inside a matchbox that he places inside a shoebox that he ties with a solid rope and places in an iron box that he cloes with a huge lock and palces inside a big steel safe closes with a 22 digit combination. He drives back to civilization, abandons the car in front of the dealership, climbs back aboard his (schwarbueley-painted) jet, flies back to Roissy ignoring all other crafts and ground control, drives back home at ridiculous speeds and, once there, he opens the big steel safe with the 22-digit combination, takes out the the iron box that he opens with a huge key, unties the rope around the shoebox and puts the matchbox and puts it on the table. He is, once agains overcomed with emotion: he is about to own the last schwarbueley on earth, the only one! But at the same time he is afraid of what he's going to see. With extreme care, he opens the box and finds it empty again. He is devastated. Without schwarbueleys, his life has no meaning. So he goes to his study and opens a drawer, directly under a schwarbueley statuette, from which he pulls a gun. He goes to his bedroom, puts the gun against his head and pulls the trigger. And do you know what comes out out of the gun? *Spoiler*
Show

A bullet does.

----------


## Lacco

December 13th.

An idyllic meadow, in a snowy forest. A bear walks in, dragging his feet through the snow. He is silently grumbling. 

As he is coming closer, he kicks a tree. *grumblegrumble*

Thoughtlessly grabs a wolf that runs across the meadow and tosses him away. *grumble grumble*

Punches another tree. *GRUMBLE GRUMBLE*

Finally, he comes close enough.

"Damn rabbit. I hate that long-eared carrotmuncher. Stupid rabbit. His stupid long ears and stupid ideas.  'Have a cappucino bear, it's only september - what's the worst that could happen?'

----------


## SZbNAhL

> What do the movie titanic and the sixth sense have in common?
> 
> 
> 
> 
>  Icey people 
> 
> I will show myself out!


Wouldn't icey dead people make a better punchline? It's the famous _Sixth Sense_ quote, plus the icey people in _Titanic_ were also dead by the end of it.

----------


## BisectedBrioche

What's the difference between Disney and Shadowrun?

One's a cynical vision of what happens when capitalism starts to exploit magic in defiance of national sovereignty and human rights...and the other's a cyberpunk tabletop RPG.

----------


## Lacco

Two snails meet in the middle of a road. One of them is bruised and bandaged.
- Hey, you look terrible. Are you okay?
- They just let me out of the hospital. I had an accident.
- What happened?
- Oh, you know. It was a sunny day, so I decided to go for a ride. I'm speedin' down the hill, dodging daffodils, eyestalks waving in the wind, when suddenly, a mushroom grows in the middle of the path.



EDIT: 
Bat Masterson, a famous wild west gunslinger, sits quietly in a bar, listening to a piano, when a young gun strides in.

The youngster goes straight to Bat and says "Howdy, Mr. Masterson. I have heard about your reputation as gunslinger and wanted to learn few tips from you, you know. I'll buy you a drink if you do me the favour."

Bat nods and looks at the new guy. Bartender quickly pours him another drink.

"Do, you wanna be a gunslinger? Dressed sharp in black?"
"You bet, sir."
"And those polished colts with pearl grips are yours?"
"All mine."
"Can you draw them quickly enough?"
The youngster clears the right holster lightning fast and shoots down piano player's hat.
"Fast enough, sir."
"You shoot both hands so fast?"
The youngster clears the right holster and shoots piano player's glass just before he reaches for it.
"Both."
"Nice. Now here's what you should do: run to the kitchen and ask the cook to give you a large pot of lard. When you have it, stick both those guns right into it, deep as you can."
"Right...but why? Will that make them more faster to shoot?"
"Nope. But it will make them hurt less when Wyatt Earp stands up from the piano and sticks them up your butt..."

----------


## WinterKnight404

Lady Gaga appears to be asleep. How do you tell if Lady Gaga is dead or not?

*Spoiler: Spoiler*
Show

You P-P-Poke her face P-P-Poke her face nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh.


Why did the {scrubbed}, insert "monk" pull quarters out of his behind?

*Spoiler: Spoiler*
Show

Because change comes from within.

----------


## farothel

-The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers

-every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could've become beer but didn't.

-You'd think hip-hop music would have more bunnies in it.  But no.

-not to upset anybody but do we have a doctor onboard, or failing that, a pilot.

----------


## IthilanorStPete

Could someone say "plethora" for me?

----------


## tyckspoon

> Could someone say "plethora" for me?


... bul-bous boo-fant?

----------


## RossN

A bar is empty and just about to close and the bartender is looking forward to going home after a _very_ busy shift. Just then the door opens and a priest, a rabbi, and minister walk in, immediately followed by a blonde, a redhead and a brunette, themselves immediately followed by an Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman.

The exhausted bartender groans: _'Is this some kind of joke?'_

----------


## enderlord99

> Could someone say "plethora" for me?


No, but I can say "abundance"

----------


## IthilanorStPete

> No, but I can say "abundance"


Thanks, enderlord. It really means a lot.

----------


## Liberacchius

A Genie appears before a man.

"Wow," he says, "do I get three wishes?"

"Sorry, no," says the Genie, "I'm not that kind of genie. However, I will grant you one of three boons. I can grant you ultimate wisdom, fabulous material wealth, or amazing good looks."

The man thinks for a moment, then says, "I chose ultimate wisdom."

The Gene nods, says, "done" then disappears in a puff of smoke.

The man thinks to himself, "I definitely should have gone for the money."

----------


## Eldritch Knight

A pirate captain lost an eye during a boarding action.   He later replaced it with a glass one containing his favorite letter of the alphabet in the Iris.   From then on, he was known as the "I" Eye Captain.

----------


## Peelee

> A pirate captain lost an eye during a boarding action.   He later replaced it with a glass one containing his favorite letter of the alphabet in the Iris.   From then on, he was known as the "I" Eye Captain.


I call shenanigans. Everyone knows a pirate's first love is the C.

----------


## Asmotherion

> I call shenanigans. Everyone knows a pirate's first love is the C.


This was puntastic.

----------


## Peelee

> This was puntastic.


Oh, that's nothing. Later on, the pirate got another letter. He was so angry he was speechless. No other pirate had seen him so upset. One by one, they all looked at the letter. Each one refused to read the letter aloud. For it was that one letter which every pirate knows and hates. The letter, of course, was a cease and desist.

----------


## farothel

-Strange new trend at the office.  People putting names on food in the company fridge.  Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

-I pay no mind to those who talk behind my back.  It simply means I'm two steps ahead.

-instead of a sign that says 'do not disturb' I need one that says 'already disturbed, proceed with caution'.

-Do not trust atoms.  They make up everything.

----------


## Sermil

I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day.

----------


## SZbNAhL

A couple of years ago I went out camping in the woods with a few of my friends. It was a dark and stormy night, and we felt very alone in our little tent, so we started telling scary stories.

I described how the hills we were in used to be coal mining country, and the coal mines were dark and dangerous. If you didnt die from coal lung youd die from cave-ins, and if you didnt die from either of those, youd starve to death on the miniscule wages they paid you. The mine just up the hill from us was the worst. The manager had an extortion racket that he was keeping hidden from the owners - he would demand a tribute of 50% of the days wages from each of his miners, or he would think up a reason to get them fired. Pay was starvation level even without giving the manager his cut, and so after a few months of this tribute the miners became pale, sickly, and emaciated. Paradoxically, they started working harder and harder, hoping they would strike it rich enough to get a bonus that they could use to get out of that awful place.

One of the miners worked even harder than the others. He just kept digging and digging, and when he looked back, hed gone too far, left everyone else behind, and couldnt find his way back. Life out there was so bad he found he barely cared. He just kept digging and digging and digging, figuring that working himself to death was as good a way to go as any other.

Finally he came to a vein of rock darker than any hed ever seen before, and when he broke through it - wham! - he had dug all the way to Hell. The Devil came over to meet him, and told the miner that they had a problem. He couldnt stay in Hell, because he wasnt a sinner. But he couldnt go back either, because the rules say no mortal may leave Hell alive. So The Devil offered him a deal - he would transform the man into a vengeful ghost, who could spend eternity possessing mortals and driving them to madness.

The miner thought a bit, but he wasnt convinced. The only guy he wanted to possess and drive to madness was his evil manager who had stolen a tribute from every one of his paychecks. After getting revenge on him, he wasnt sure he wanted an eternity of possessing random other people. Satan suggested that maybe he could spend eternity possessing people and talking about how evil his manager was, so as to make his name forever dishonored. The man thought that was a good idea, and so with a word Satan transformed him into a spirit. He spent a while haunting his evil manager, then after that possessed random other people in the area to give monologues on how exploitative his managers labour practices were.

And so, I finished, sometimes, on nights much like tonight, with groups of campers much like our own

Hold on, interrupted my friend. Is this going to end with you saying that youre possessed right now, and thats why youre telling us this story?

Um, I saidI guess that

Just then the police burst into our tent. Stop right there! said one of the constables. Youre under arrest!

For what? I asked.

Possession by a miner within tent to diss tribute.

----------


## Rater202

Can I share that one with a friend?

----------


## DarthArminius

::Corporate wants you to find the difference between this picture and this picture::
::First picture, is a flag of the Roman Republic::
::Second picture, is the flag of the United States of America::
::Pam:: "It's the same picture."

----------


## Fyraltari

> ::First picture, is a flag of the Roman Republic::


Either, this is the flag you're talking about
*Spoiler*
Show




In which case I don't understand your joke.

Or you're talking about a republic that disappeard more than a millenium and a half before countries started to have flags. And I'm also unsure as to what the joke is supposed ot mean.

----------


## Rater202

> Either, this is the flag you're talking about
> *Spoiler*
> Show
> 
> 
> 
> 
> In which case I don't understand your joke.
> 
> Or you're talking about a republic that disappeard more than a millenium and a half before countries started to have flags. And I'm also unsure as to what the joke is supposed ot mean.


It's a meme that's usually depicted as an edited, based on a scene from the office.

The character Pam pulls a prank on someone by saying Corporate needs them to determine the difference between two pictures(basically a find the difference puzzle) but later tells the documentary crew that they're the exact same picture.

In memage, t's common to show a picture of two pictures of radically different things and declare them the same picture for various reasons.

For example:

----------


## DarthArminius

> Either, this is the flag you're talking about
> *Spoiler*
> Show
> 
> 
> 
> 
> In which case I don't understand your joke.
> 
> Or you're talking about a republic that disappeard more than a millenium and a half before countries started to have flags. And I'm also unsure as to what the joke is supposed ot mean.





It's kind of pointing out parallels between the Roman Republic and the American Republic.

----------


## Razade

You know what they say, about explaining jokes being like dissecting a frog? You get the joke but the frog is dead.

----------


## Lord Raziere

I only have one joke, but I've perfected it to use it on anything:

How many subjectivists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know, its all matter of perspective, lets all agree to disagree on this.

how many relativists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Depends.

How many collectivists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
All of them.

how many individualists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but they have to do it in their own unique way.

How many Among Us players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10. seven to accuse each other in paranoia, two imposters to kill 6-8 of them, and one to finish screwing in the lightbulb.

How many time lords does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, but only if its The Doctor

How many youtubers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One but only if you Like, Comment and Subscribe

How many twitch streamers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One but they have to constantly thank their generous fans while they do it.

How many fan fic writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One but only if they do not own the lightbulb

----------


## enderlord99

> You know what they say, about explaining jokes being like dissecting a frog? You get the joke but the frog is dead.


 :Small Sigh:  Both frogs and jokes are already dead *before* they're dissected.  The dissection is not, in fact, what kills them.

Also, that flag isn't the Roman Republic; it's the Roman _Empire_.

----------


## Razade

> Both frogs and jokes are already dead *before* they're dissected.  The dissection is not, in fact, what kills them.


That's the joke. Which only demonstrates it.

----------


## enderlord99

> That's the joke. Which only demonstrates it.


I thought you were complaining about explanations because you thought the ruined things.

----------


## DarthArminius

> Both frogs and jokes are already dead *before* they're dissected.  The dissection is not, in fact, what kills them.
> 
> Also, that flag isn't the Roman Republic; it's the Roman _Empire_.


Sorry, I specifically googled "The Roman Republic" for a flag, and that came up.

----------


## SZbNAhL

> I only have one joke, but I've perfected it to use it on anything:
> 
> How many subjectivists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> I don't know, its all matter of perspective, lets all agree to disagree on this.
> 
> how many relativists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> Depends.
> 
> How many collectivists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> ...


How many software engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, it's a hardware problem.

How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, software should find a workaround.

How many mothers-in-law does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
No, it's fine, I'll just sit here in the dark.

----------


## Tvtyrant

One I saw on Dad jokes:

You don't see people named Lance very often anymore, but in the medieval era they were named Lancelot.

----------


## Sermil

> How many software engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> None, it's a hardware problem.
> 
> How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> None, software should find a workaround.
> 
> How many mothers-in-law does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> No, it's fine, I'll just sit here in the dark.


How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

----------


## SZbNAhL

> How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?
> 
> One.


How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four - one to climb the ladder and three to say "that should be me up there".

----------


## Bonecrusher Doc

How many narcissists does it to take to change a light bulb?

One.  He holds the light bulb still while the world revolves around him.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

----------


## DarthArminius

Four fonts walk into a bar




The barman shouts "Oi, get out! We don't serve your type here!"

----------


## SZbNAhL

> Four fonts walk into a bar
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The barman shouts "Oi, get out! We don't serve your type here!"


Two Germans walk into a bar and order martinis.

Bartneder: Dry?
Germans: Nein, zwei! This joke requires a small amount of knowledge of both German and martinis.

----------


## Asmotherion

An American, a Frensh and a German walk into a Bar. The German then asks the American:

-Hey, who's that guy in the corner? I think he's trying to overhear our Conversation. 

The Frensh guy turns arround and aswears:

-Oh, don't worry about it. He's just waiting for the punshline.

----------


## BisectedBrioche

You know how the French say 17, 18 and 19? Do you think they used to say 16 the same way.

Yes, but they had to dix-six!

----------


## enderlord99

"Nice clothes!"
"Thanks!  They were discounted by 50%"
"I'd like them even better if they were...

Wait.

I messed that up, didn't I?

----------


## SZbNAhL

{Scrubbed}

----------


## Edreyn

It hangs on the wall and stinks. What is it?

A clock.

*Spoiler*
Show

Why stinks? Cuckoo is dead

----------


## Edreyn

After the battle a soldier walks around the battlefield looking for survivors. He sees someone horribly wounded: covered in blood, twisted and deformed, with body parts torn, so he can't even see anything of his face. But the wounded is alive, he addresses the soldier and says:

"Hey, finish me off, bro".

The soldier sees that he can't help anyway, the most merciful thing he can do is to really finish him off.

He points the rifle and says "Whoever you are, rest in piece!". And shoots. BOOM!

And then he hears: "Thank you, bro!"

----------


## Caerulea

So I have a list of dad jokes (expanded thanks to this thread!)

 - What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An ear-relevant!
 - Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
 - Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged...
 - Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the no-bell prize!
 - I used to hate facial hair but then it grew on me!
 - I decided to sell my vaccume cleaner because it was just gathering dust!
 - What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoilt milk!
 - Can Febuary March? No, but April May!
 - Want to hear a joke about paper? No? That's fine it was tearable!
 - I could tell a joke about pizza but it's a little cheesy...
 - What do you call someone with no body and no nose? No-body nose!
 - This graveyard looks over-crowded, don't you think? People must be dying to get in!
 - I heard Peelee bought some shoes off a drug dealer, I don't know what they laced them with but he was tripping all day! (Apologies Peelee, this is meant in good fun)
 - I thought about going on an all almond diet but that's just nuts!
 - Did you know french fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece!
 - Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!
 - Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well I'm not going to spread it!
 - You know a furniture stall keeps calling me? I only wanted a one nightstand!
 - I broke my left thumb week, but on the other hand I'm okay. 
 - I heard a cheese factory exploded! De brie is everywhere.
 - Did you hear about the guy who invented livesavers? They say he made a mint!
 - What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A Satisfactory!
 - I thought about starting a new dating service in Prague. I was going to call it Czech mate!

----------


## BisectedBrioche

> After the battle a soldier walks around the battlefield looking for survivors. He sees someone horribly wounded: covered in blood, twisted and deformed, with body parts torn, so he can't even see anything of his face. But the wounded is alive, he addresses the soldier and says:
> 
> "Hey, finish me off, bro".
> 
> The soldier sees that he can't help anyway, the most merciful thing he can do is to really finish him off.
> 
> He points the rifle and says "Whoever you are, rest in piece!". And shoots. BOOM!
> 
> And then he hears: "Thank you, bro!"


...I don't get it.

----------


## Peelee

> ...I don't get it.


Yeah, me neither.

----------


## Tvtyrant

> Yeah, me neither.


Shot the wrong person, I think?

----------


## Peelee

> Shot the wrong person, I think?


I was thinking maybe it was whoever thy dying soldier was fighting or somethinh, but the shooter seems to have seen the dying one speak to him, so I'd be surprised. Plus the guy is already in his way out, no reason to have someone else take care of it.

----------


## Razade

Guys.

The shooter missed.

----------


## Peelee

> Guys.
> 
> The shooter missed.


Then why the thanks? Still not getting the joke.

----------


## Razade

> Then why the thanks? Still not getting the joke.


I never said it was a good joke. It's not as bad as their previous one about the clock which I'd argue isn't even a joke.

----------


## Edreyn

Bad jokes from my side? Well, okay, I'll live with that. Alas, really good jokes I know of, are usually vulgar and can't be posted here. Will enjoy reading jokes from others.

UPD: Well my last attempt to please the audience

A doctor in the hospital is walking around, followed by an orderly, a large guy carrying a huge axe.

They come to the first patient.

Doctor says: "Hm... To this one we should amputate the ear."
CHOP, - the orderly swings his axe.

Another patient.
"And to this one... a nose."
CHOP!

Third one.
"And to him... left leg."
CHOP!
"I said the left one!"
CHOP!
"I said the leg!"
CHOP!
"Not this patient!"

----------


## Tvtyrant

A long billed bird is tossing a ball up in the air and catching it repeatedly. A short billed bird grabs a ball to imitate it and says "two can play at that game."

----------


## farothel

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
   The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
   The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
   The pharmacists exclaimed, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!"
   The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 
   The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

----------


## BisectedBrioche

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first says, "I'll have an H20."

The second says "I'll have an H20, too", and dies from drinking sulphuric acid.

The second rolls his eyes and turns to his colleague, "Oh for goodness sake, they serve people from the lab all the time here. They're only down the road. She isn't going to be impressed! If you think she's cute just tell her, you useless lesbian!"

----------


## SZbNAhL

> Two scientists walk into a bar.
> 
> The first says, "I'll have an H20."
> 
> The second says "I'll have an H20, too", and dies from drinking sulphuric acid.
> 
> The second rolls his eyes and turns to his colleague, "Oh for goodness sake, they serve people from the lab all the time here. They're only down the road. She isn't going to be impressed! If you think she's cute just tell her, you useless lesbian!"


H2O2 would be hydrogen peroxide. Sulphuric acid is H2SO4.

Which reminds me:
Q: What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
A: An extra electron.

Q: Why do chemists only rent saltpetre during the day?
A: They can't afford the potassium night rate.

Q: What do you get when you mix an octopus with a camel?
A: A stern letter from the ethics committee.

----------


## Bonecrusher Doc

Whoa... Just thinking of an octo-camel sends shivers down my spine!  Especially if it spits poisonous ink!

----------


## MartinWill1989

News reporters visit a hen about a shockingly huge egg she laid recently. 
This is amazing, they tell the hen, 
a two pound egg, thats unheard of! Do you have any goals for the future? 
Yes, Im really aiming for a four pounder! says the hen proudly. 
And you, sir, congratulations, the reporters approach the rooster,
 what are your goals for the future? The rooster replies darkly, 
To beat up that darn ostrich!

----------


## Asmotherion

> Then why the thanks? Still not getting the joke.


Had trouble figuring that out myself, but I think it's supposed to mean the shooter got shot in the meanwile, so he heard the other ghost. 

It's nice and dark, but it could use a better delivery...

----------


## JNAProductions

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but theres a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and theres a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, theres a large limo line at the rental office, but hes patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and theres no punchline.

----------


## tyckspoon

> A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but theres a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
> Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and theres a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
> Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, theres a large limo line at the rental office, but hes patient and gets the job done.
> Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and theres no punchline.


This needs to be about twice as long to be a proper shaggy dog, there's not enough built up anticipation of the non-joke at the end.

----------


## JNAProductions

> This needs to be about twice as long to be a proper shaggy dog, there's not enough built up anticipation of the non-joke at the end.


I copy-pasted it from a Game Grumps Episode of Mario Galaxy. It was a comment on there.

And it made me chuckle, so I figured I'd share. But I see what you mean.

----------


## RedMage125

A group of engineers are sitting around, debating who designed the human body.

One says, "It was an Architectural Engineer.  Look at how the skeleton protects and supports everything."

The second says, "No, no.  It was a Mechanical Engineer.  Look at the muscles and tendons...how everything moves, where the power is."

The third says, "You're both wrong, it was an Electrical Engineer.  The central nervous system controls all of that."

The last says, "Nope.  It was a Civil Engineer."

The rest are baffled, and ask, "How do you figure?"

He shrugs and says, "Who else would run a sewage line through a recreation area?"

----------


## Edreyn

You are looking for some deep meaning where there is no one. The humor is - what kind of abomination is the wounded, if he talks even after being shot to death.

Another one:

Three people in the bar are planning to kill their mothers-in-law.

The first one says: "I will buy her a luxurious car, but will damage the breaks. She'll drive fast, won't be able to stop or even slow and will crash to death."

The second one says: "I got a better idea. I will buy my mother-in-law a villa with a balcony. And will secretly break the pillars holding the balcony. She will come to the balcony, it will break and she'll fall right on the asphalt."

The third one: "Nah, I can do even better. I'll buy a few boxes of aspirin. Then I'll add a little water and will paste all pills into one huge pill of aspirin. And I'll put it on the table in the kitchen. My mother-in-law will enter the kitchen, see the huge pill and stand in surprise, unable to understand where it came from. And this moment I'll strike her down with an axe!"

----------


## SZbNAhL

Q: What do call a giant disc made of iron?
A: A ferrous wheel. I make no apologies.

----------


## Sermil

> You are looking for some deep meaning where there is no one. The humor is - what kind of abomination is the wounded, if he talks even after being shot to death.
> 
> Another one:
> 
> Three people in the bar are planning to kill their mothers-in-law.
> 
> The first one says: "I will buy her a luxurious car, but will damage the breaks. She'll drive fast, won't be able to stop or even slow and will crash to death."
> 
> The second one says: "I got a better idea. I will buy my mother-in-law a villa with a balcony. And will secretly break the pillars holding the balcony. She will come to the balcony, it will break and she'll fall right on the asphalt."
> ...


Reminds me of the old joke:

A dog walks into the bar, and says "Get me a bowl of water"

The bartender replies, "Oh my god, a talking dog!"

----------


## Razade

Farmer lives on their farm with their chickens and significant other, who does no work on the farm and brow beats them every day.
One night as the family is settling down the Farmer steps into the bedroom with one of their chickens and says "Look honey, this is the cow I sleep with on nights I can't sleep with you"
The significant other, always eager to belittle their partner sneers and says "You're a chicken farmer. That's a chicken you idiot."
The Farmer nods sagely and says "I know. I was talking to the chicken."

----------


## Rater202

the entirety of this post following the line is done in character. This might seem familiar to start but I'm trying to put a spin on it.Oh, jeez man, how did I end up here? It's a long story.

It starts when I was coaching a minor league baseball team, of all things... Gotta tell you, all the players have some peculiar names, but I'll get to that in a minute.

So my friend from out of town is sitting in on a practice, not much of a practice because my pitcher's running late, so my friend and I get talking and he asks me "So what are these guy's names?"

So I start going through them "Who's on first, What's on Second, Idunnow's on Third" and that's when my friend interrupts me.

"Who's on first?"

"Yeah, Who's on first, what's on second"

"Yeah, I'm askin' ya, who's on first"

"I'm tellin' ya! Who, Who is on first!"

At that point Who sees what we're talking about and comes springint up. "Um, yes, uh... Sorry but... It's not Who. It's just... The Doctor."

My friend gets even more confused. "Doctor Who?"

"Is on first!" I shout at him. Boy my friend can be a bit thick.

"No, just the Doctor."

"So Who's on first?"

"Yes!"

"The Doctor?"

"Who?"

"Who is on first!"

"That's what I'm asking!"

"Not Who, it's just 'The Doctor!'"

"Yes! Doctor Who is on First!"

"Not Who, it's just the Doctor!"

Anyway, my friend gets it then and Who gets back to first, I'm about to try and explain that What's on second again when my pitcher, David Here, gets in. He knocks on the side of the dugout entrance when he pulls and says, "Hey... It's Dave. Sorry, I had to take care of some stuff man."

I'm about to tell him that it's fine, there's still plenty of time left in the practice and to get his stuff on and get to the mound when my friend says "Dave? Dave's not here."

I look at him funny and ask him "Are you High?"

"No, I'm Low. High's been dead for two years... You okay buddy?"

I face palm and tell him. "Dave is Here, and Here is the Pitcher."

"Dave's the pitcher?"

"Dave?"

"Yes, Here's the pitcher."

"And Dave's not here?"

"No, I'm Dave."

"Dave is here and Dave is Here! Dave Here is the pitcher!"

"Okay, okay, no need to shout!"

Dear God it took me all my willpower not to scream...

Anyway, now that Here was here we could get the practice started and everything goes on as normal, pretty standard practice, and then when we're done my friend Low comes up to me again and asks "So... Who's on first again?"

I saw red, pulled out my pistol, and shot him. I shot Low. I Shot him high and Low... But you gotta understand how much he was getting on my nerves, man... It's always like this with him...

And that, your honor, is why I am pleading not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.

"...That's great, but this isn't a courtroom... This is an Arby's."

----------


## Hyoi

You know I've heard that all the time in isolation during the pandemic has really gotten the creative juices flowing for some playwriters; there's talk of a new show they're going to do on Broadway once things return to normal. All the dialogue is going to be puns. Every single line, no exceptions.

It's going to be a play on words

----------


## canana

I sold my vacuum yesterday.

It was just collecting dust.

----------


## SZbNAhL

Q: How do you make a pirate angry?
A: You take the p. So he'll be irate.

----------


## paddyfool

[Best told quickly with enthusiasm]

So Monkey's running through the jungle, leaping from tree to tree, and he finds his friend the Giraffe.

Giraffe has rolled himself an enormous spliff, almost as long as his neck, and he's ready to just toke on it all day and let himself unwind. But Monkey says "NO Giraffe! Don't do this stuff anymore! It's so bad for you. You're coughing all the time, you're neglecting all your commitments, everything you own smells of weed ... Put it away and run with me! Be healthy and happy and run with me!

And eventually, he gets Giraffe 🦒 to run with him, and they both go running through the forest, the Monkey still leaping from tree to tree. And then they find their friend Hippo.

Now Hippo, he's scored himself some tabs of LSD, and he's ready to start tripping and seeing all kinds of strange things. Last time he took some he saw some animated female hippos dancing in tutus to classical music... But Monkey stops him and says "NO Hippo! Stop taking this stuff! It's so bad for you.  Remember the bad trips? The worms under your skin? The freakouts? Put it away - be healthy, be happy, run with me!

And eventually he persuades Hippo 🦛 to put the acid away and run with him, and the three of them go running through the jungle, Monkey still leaping from tree to tree. And then they find their friend Elephant.

Now Elephant, well he's laid out some long, long lines of grade A Columbian white powder, that he's planning to snort all the way up his trunk before going on a good old rampage. But Monkey says "NO elephant! Don't do this stuff! It's so bad for you. You're so obnoxious when you take this, and so boring besides. And remember all the palpitations this gave you, and the chest pain - you could have a stroke or a heart attack next time! Put it away, look after your heart,  be healthy, be happy, run with me.

And the Elephant 🐘 did decide to run with him, and they all go running through the jungle together, Monkey still leaping from tree to tree... Until they find the Lion.

Now Lion 🦁, he's got his burner out, he's got his needles ready, he's ready to dream that heroin dream. But Monkey runs up to him and says "No Lion! Put that stuff away! Be healthy, be happy, run with me!"

And Lion looks at him. Monkey goes on " Remember the hepatitis? The endocarditis? The necrotising fasciitis? This stuff is so bad for you - put it away! Run with me!

And Lion looks at him. Monkey steps closer "Look at you, you're wasting away"

And Lion reaches out, grabs Monkey, and eats him.

The other animals all look at Lion, until eventually Giraffe asks "Why did you do that, Lion"?

*Spoiler: Punchline*
Show


Lion snorts. "That Monkey 🐵. Every time he takes speed, everybody has to run with him!"



EDIT: I learned this from some Israeli backpackers. I sometimes think it would make quite a good late night animated short.

----------


## Edreyn

The cold winter came, and all birds were preparing to fly to some warmer place.
And there was one poor little bird who was afraid she won't manage the flight.
So, the poor little  bird came to the large kind birds and asked: "Please, please, may I fly together with you?".
"Sure", the large kind birds answered, "We will be happy if you come with us!".
"But I am so small and weak", said the poor little  bird, "I will get tired very fast and won't be able to fly!".
"Don't you worry", said large kind birds, "we are strong, and if you get tired one of us will carry you".
"Oh, but I am afraid I can't cover any reasonable distance", poor little bird started to cry, "you will need to carry me almost all the time!".
"Don't be afraid", large kind birds answered, "if you need, we''ll carry in turns for the whole flight!".
"But what about food?!", poor little bird cried, "I won't be able to gather anything during winter!".
"We will share whatever we find with you", said large kind birds.
"But what if I will be too weak to eat together with you", the poor little bird continued to cry.
"We are ready to feed you beak to beak", said large kind birds.
"But I also can't get water from under the ice", the poor little bird couldn't stop crying.
"We'll share water with you, from beak to beak if needed", said large kind birds.
"But what if...", the poor little bird started,
"Ah, screw you!", said large kind birds and left without her.

----------


## SZbNAhL

Q: Why can't programmers tell the difference between Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because oct 31 and dec 25 are exactly the same! oct=base 8, dec=base 10

----------


## Mister Tom

Why is everyone convinced that pirates all sound the same? I guess they just ar.

----------


## Isocahedron

Three perfect logicians walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Would you all like a drink?"

The first one says "I don't know".

The second one says "I don't know".

The third one says "Yes!".

----------


## Peelee

> Three perfect logicians walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Would you all like a drink?"
> 
> The first one says "I don't know".
> 
> The second one says "I don't know".
> 
> The third one says "Yes!".


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a glass of beer." The second says, "I'll have half a glass beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter glass of beer." The bartender says, "dammit, even I have my limits!" and pours two beers.

Don't get me started on mathematician jokes, it won't end. Hell, the best part of that joke, IMO, is "an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar". That's basically a punchline in itself.

----------


## Isocahedron

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first says, "I'll have an H20."

The second says, "I'll have an H20, too."

The bartender is tired of this joke and gives them both hydrogen peroxide.

----------


## Peelee

> Two scientists walk into a bar.
> 
> The first says, "I'll have an H20."
> 
> The second says, "I'll have an H20, too."
> 
> The bartender is tired of this joke and gives them both hydrogen peroxide.


Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first says, "I'll have an H20."

The second says, "I'll have an H20, too."

The server, having common sense, brings two waters. The first scientist is sad that the assassination attempt failed.

----------


## Fyraltari

> Don't get me started on mathematician jokes, it won't end. Hell, the best part of that joke, IMO, is "an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar". That's basically a punchline in itself.


And now I'm picturing a guy waiting inside the bar to punch each and every mathematician as they come in one by one.

----------


## sihnfahl

Told by a chat friend:

Guy's interested in old movies and cars, so he picks up a DeLorean.

But as a bit of a power car enthusiast, he's not impressed by the car's poor acceleration and handling.

So he pays a mechanic to upgrade everything, to make it a 'worthy' vehicle...

He calls it his man DeLorean.

----------


## Tvtyrant

Two friends wearing sandals walk down the street. One loses 86% of a shoe and the rest become a snake.

----------


## Mister Tom

The barman says 'we don't serve hypothetical particles'. Then a tachyon goes into the bar.

Why did the higgs boson enter church? To give mass.

Why couldn't Heisenberg find his keys? He knew too much about their momentum.

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are pulled over 
By a traffic cop, Because Heisenberg didn't know.how.fast he was driving. The cop, suspicious of the pair's foreign accents, looks in the trunk of the car . 
"Did you know there's a dead cat in here, Sir?" Says the cop. Schroedinger rolls his eyes and replies, "yes, well there is _now_."

----------


## Mister Tom

And now for something completely different. What has 2 legs and goes "rib rib"? Half a frog.

----------


## Isocahedron

Pope Francis is going to a conference in New York. After his driver has put his luggage into the back of the limo -- and the Pope doesn't travel light -- he sees that the Pope is still standing outside the limo.

"Would you like to get in, your Holiness?"

"You know, I haven't driven myself anywhere since I became the Pope. Could I drive?"

"Your Holiness, I'll lose my job."

"You work for me. Plus, no-one has to know."

"Alright, I suppose."

Pope Francis grins. "Get in the back."

He begins driving away from the airport. He's so excited that he starts driving very, very fast. The limo driver begs him to slow down, but he either can't hear him or doesn't listen. Soon, they get pulled over.

The police officer looks in the limo, then walks away and radios his supervisor.

"Sir, I just pulled over a limo doing 150 in a 60 zone."

"Well, fine him then!"

"Here's the thing. It's an important guy."

"All the more reason to fine him."

"No... really important."

"Is it the Mayor? I can deal with the Mayor."

"No, he's bigger than that."

"A senator, then?"

"No, bigger than that."

"Don't tell me you pulled over the President!"

"Bigger."

"Well, who the hell is bigger than the President?"

"I think it's God, sir."

"And how do you figure that?"

"Well, I don't recognize him, but his chauffeur is the Pope!"

----------


## Laughing Dog

Two humans walk into a bar.  The halfling walks under it.

----------


## wheelmaker

A trustworthy Politician.

----------


## Rater202

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a cantina.

Unfortunately, it was closed as some jackass smuggler shot a rodian to death.

----------


## jayem

> Pope Francis is going to a conference in New York. After his driver has put his luggage into the back of the limo -- and the Pope doesn't travel light -- he sees that the Pope is still standing outside the limo.


With much the same set-u:

World famous scientist (it's Einstein in the version I head, but it doesn't work), is doing a series of conferences.  After the 10th one he is fed up of people turning up with no interest in him or the topic, and even the driver is knows it by heart event even how the same predictable questions go every time.
So they swap places.
Unknown to him meanwhile his rival has also been getting fed up with the attention the scientist has been getting and finally has got the question that will make the scientist look silly.

Never the less it all goes well for the scientist and the driver, no one suspects a thing.  At the very last moment the rival gloatingly springs his trap with his killer question.  At which point the driver answers "Why that is simple question! Even my driver can probably answer that".

----------


## Trafalgar

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

----------


## farothel

-my body is a temple. ancient, crumbling and probably haunted or cursed.

-Warning: please don't interupt me when I'm talking to the voices.  They don't like that.

-Why is it called a 'beauty sleep' when you wake up looking like a troll.

-FINALS: Fuch, I Never Actually Learned this ****.

-I just figured out my body type.  It's hourglass with extra minutes.

----------


## Larbek24

How many germans do you need to change a light bulb?
One. We are efficient and have no humor.

An infinite number of mathematicians enters a bar.
The first want a beer. The second wants halve a beer. The third one wants a quarter of a beer etc.
After a short time the barman says: "You are nuts!" and serves two beer.

----------


## Ajustusdaniel

I went to the doctor.  I told him, it hurts when I touch my knee.  It hurts when I touch my throat.  It hurts when I touch my forearm.  When I touch my temple, it hurts, and when I touch my toe, it hurts too.  I'm falling apart, Doc, you've got to do something to help me.

The doctor took a deep breath and told me, "You *******, you've got a broken finger."
***
I went to the Doctor and told him, "Doc, help, I'm having hallucinations that I've turned into a giant moth."

The Doctor said, "Boy, that sounds serious.  But I'm a dentist.  Why did you come to my office?"

I twitched my antennae and said, "Your light was on."

----------


## Sermil

Interviewer: What's your favorite quote?
Me: U+0022 because it copies correctly into code.

----

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Me: I take questions too literally.
Interviewer: Can you give an example?
Me: Yes.

----

Inteviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Me: Forgetting to add nul terminatorsf(�*␇#�25(*g�jza%��&*␦(��@#(␕#@�

----------


## TommyJo

There is a blonde and a lawyer on a plane. The flight is long.
The blonde silently turns away and looks out the window.
Lawyer for the blonde:
- Let me ask you a question, if you do not know the answer - you give me $5.
Then you ask me a question, if I do not know the answer, I will give you $500.
The blonde agrees.
Lawyer:
- What is the distance from the Moon to the Earth?
The blonde silently gives him $5.
Blonde:
- Who goes uphill on three legs and descends on four?
A couple of hours pass. The lawyer called all his friends, rummaged through the Internet, he could not find an answer.
He gives the blonde $500 and asks:
- Who is it???
The blonde silently gives him $5 and turns to the window.

----------


## enderlord99

Two men, one of which was a mathematician and the other of which was a fan of classic riddles, made a bet.  The mathematician lost, and offered: "either I can pay you a thousand dollars now, or I can pay you a cent today, two cents tomorrow, and so on for a whole month; that's thirty-one days.  Which would you prefer?"

The riddle-fan was themselves decent at math, and quickly calculated that the latter option would end up earning them well over twenty million dollars on the last day alone.  Naturally, that's what they chose.

*Spoiler*
Show

After the whole month, they ended up with only $4.96.

----------


## Fyraltari

> Two men, one of which was a mathematician and the other of which was a fan of classic riddles, made a bet.  The mathematician lost, and offered: "either I can pay you a thousand dollars now, or I can pay you a cent today, two cents tomorrow, and so on for a whole month; that's thirty-one days.  Which would you prefer?"
> 
> The riddle-fan was themselves decent at math, and quickly calculated that the latter option would end up earning them well over twenty million dollars on the last day alone.  Naturally, that's what they chose.
> 
> *Spoiler*
> Show
> 
> After the whole month, they ended up with only four dollars and fifty-one cents.


*Spoiler*
Show

Where does that figure come from? I get how they expected millions but why $4.51? 1 cent today and two cents a day for a month add up to $0.63. What am I missing?

----------


## enderlord99

> *Spoiler*
> Show
> 
> Where does that figure come from? I get how they expected millions but why $4.51? 1 cent today and two cents a day for a month add up to $0.63. What am I missing?


*Spoiler*
Show

He expected it to double each day, but instead it increased by one each day, which is much less impressive but still both fits the pattern and is an increasing function.


EDIT:  WolframAlpha started at 10 for some reason, as I was preparing the joke.  I'll edit in the correct amount.

----------


## Fyraltari

> *Spoiler*
> Show
> 
> He expected it to double each day, but instead it increased by one each day, which is much less impressive but still both fits the pattern and is an increasing function.


*Facepalms*

----------


## Peelee

The riddle fan then takes the mathematician to small claims court, where the judge decrees that since no explanation between the two equally likely scenarios was made, either one could be seen as valid and the most equal decision for both parties is for the original thousand dollars to be paid, and neither one "gets one over" on the other.

Also the mathematician tells the riddle fan that they estimated twice as much money as they would have gotten even if the mathematician doubled the payment every day.  :Small Tongue:

----------


## farothel

Something to say when going to the doctor: According to this BMI chart, I'm too short

When the zombie apocalypse starts, I'm rushing to the nearest graveyard for the best game of whack-a-mole ever.

----------


## Rater202

A man and his family walk into a talent agency, talking about their act.

Five seconds into the man's description of the act, the Agent stops him: "Wait, this sounds familiar" and calls the police.

----------


## Peelee

> A man and his family walk into a talent agency, talking about their act.
> 
> Five seconds into the man's description of the act, the Agent stops him: "Wait, this sounds familiar" and calls the police.


Dwight Schrute's version was pretty good.

----------


## Lord Raziere

What did the lovecraftian eldritch abomination say to the memelord?
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Then the memelord was tentacles

A postmodernist walks into a bar. After trying a beer he says "This beer is like this joke: stale"

A politician walks into a bar, tries the beer and says "This is the best beer I've ever tasted."
Then he walks into another one, tries the beer and says "This is the best beer I've ever tasted."
Then he walks into another one, tries the beer and says "This is the best beer I've ever tasted."
Then he walks into another one, tries the beer and says "This is the best beer I've ever tasted."......

Why couldn't the lawyer walk into the pub?
Because he was disbarred. 

A memelord walks into a bar, falls down from the pain going "LOL I hit my head" Then everyone else does so as well.

A famous streamer walks into a bar. the bartender says "hey wait a minute, you don't drink."
the streamer replies "Not after the last bitdrop I got."

A bunch of youtubers walk into a bar. the bartender says "Wait minute, none of you drink"
they answer: "Not when everyone else is doing it."

A fanfiction author walks into a bar orders a drink and drinks it only halfway then turns to leave, the bartender asks
"aren't you going to finish your drink?"
"yes, don't worry my drink is just on hiatus."
They never return.

----------


## Rater202

A gamer walks into a bar...'s door frame. He does it three or four times before finally getting into the bar and taking a clumsy, awkward path up to the bat.

The bartender says "hey man, you okay? You're walking funny"

To which the gamer responds, "I'm fine, I'm just not used to the new control scheme yet."

----------


## Bohandas

> A man and his family walk into a talent agency, talking about their act.
> 
> Five seconds into the man's description of the act, the Agent stops him: "Wait, this sounds familiar" and calls the police.


Some guys walk into a talent agency talking about their act.

They tell the agent "we're all dress up as half naked senior citizens and go around squirting each other with water guns filled with pee and eating manure, and at the end one of us goes bungee jumping in a full port-a-potty"

"What do you call this act" the agent asks them

Their leader replies "The Aristocrats"

And the agent replies "Well that sounds like a good act Mr.Knoxville, but how about if we called it 'Jackass' instead?"

----------


## Lord Raziere

Some guy and his family walk into a talent agency to talk about their act. Five seconds into the description, the agent says 
"Hey now we can't show that, thats offensive to aristocrats, we'd get destroyed by social media!"

Some guy and his family walk into an aristocratic talent agency to talk about their act. Ten seconds into the description the aristocrat goes "Wait how did you know about our saturday night parties?"

----------


## Rater202

A chicken walks into a bar and says to the bartender "you gotta phone? My car broke down, and, you know what they say about my kind and crossing the road."

----------


## Taffimai

> *Spoiler*
> Show
> 
> Where does that figure come from? I get how they expected millions but why $4.51? 1 cent today and two cents a day for a month add up to $0.63. What am I missing?


*Spoiler: $0.46*
Show

Personally I was expecting a series of 1 2 1 2 1 2 ...

----------


## Rater202

A smuggler and a Rodian walk into a cantina. Ten minutes later, the Rodian is dead and the smuggler is nowhere to be found.

An Imperial trooper is dispatched to investigate and asks the bartender for the details of the incident.

To which the bartender answers "I have no idea. We. all the patrons and I, all saw it happen but we can't even agree about which one of them shot first."

----------


## Sigako

{scrubbed}

----------


## farothel

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but catscan.
And both can operate a PET scan.

----------


## Grey Watcher

Credit to Jill Bearup on YouTube.

"Remember, it's not mad science unless there's a mad control group."

----------


## thompur

_{{Scrubbed}}_

----------


## smuchmuch

3 countries, country A, B and C (feel free to replace in your head with whichever you wish) are doing a contest to see hwih as the better army and navy.
They tested their guns and their tactics and now they are to the last trial. They want to which navy is better at naval rescues. To do so they agree ona  simple contest. A small neutral boat is sent to drop a rabbit in the ocean somewhere random off the coast where they are doing their maneuver. The goal is to find and rescue the rabbit as quick as possible (and preferably, alive, of course).

So the rabbit is dropped somewhere for the first time. it's the turn of Country A and their navy springs into action. They deploy ships. Fleets of corvettes and skifs and what have you... Five minutes pass. Ten minutes pass. Fifteen minutes. Twenty minutes..A silhouette appears at sea. A few minutes A boat commes to shore, a man proudly holding a wet and barely alive rabbit; but the rabbit nonetheless. The whole of the operation took twenty five minutes. Everyone gives a round of applause to the performance

Then it is now country B's turn. Another rabbit is sent and dropped. They send a fleet of hightech rabbit detect and rescue drones (tm). Five minutes Ten minutes. Fift... a silhouette appears zipping in the air. It's one of the drones carrying back carrying in a, once again, wet and tired but still alive rabbit. Fifteen minutes total. An even better result. Once again, a round of applause.

Finally comes the turn of country C. They deploy some very special state of the arm amphibious vehicles that can scour the ocean from the bottom.it's all very high tech. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. of dear it seems they won't beat country B. Twenty minutes. Twenty five. Not country A either, it seems. Thirty.... people are starting to exchange glances. Fourty. .. Hey there's something in the sk.. oh no it's jsut a seagull... Fifty minutes. An hour... Has something gone wrong ?
.. Two hours. Oh dead, people are starting to talk and panic. Three hours. Four hours...Yet nothing What could have happened ?
And then suddenly the water starts rippling alongside the shore. Something ... big is deforming the water.
it's the amphibious jeeps. And they are pulling a MASSIVE blue whale behind them on shore. Everyone is releived but also confused. From the front vehicle, a sergeant gets out, he's tall, muscular and broad shouldered in a full uniform. He jumps on the shore, walks straight to the whale and kicks it. Then, the setting sun glistening on his shades, he stand proud, hands on his hips and shouts:
"For the last time ! YOU WILL CONFESS YOU ARE A RABBIT !"

----------


## Grey Watcher

> - I thought about starting a new dating service in Prague. I was going to call it Czech mate!


This just reminded me of, back when the term "Brexit" first hit the news, some jokes people were sharing ideas about what other hypothetical EU departures would be called.  The only one I remember is "Czechout."

----------


## Stonehead

Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

----------


## Bohandas

A man gets a phone call that his wife has been hospitalized. He rushes to the hospital and is met by the doctor in the emergency room. The doctor tells him "I'm afraid it's the big C...It fell off the sign at CVS and hit your wife in the head"

----------


## janetJ

My boss just asked,

"Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."

----------


## farothel

My teacher pointed me with his ruler and said: at the end of this ruler there's an idiot."  I got detention after asking which end.

----------


## enderlord99

There once was a fellow from Crete,
whose limericks were never complete.
When told this was so,
he'd say "Yes! I know:"

----------


## gooddragon1

Fake, but took a small bit of effort to manipulate with mspaint (it is family friendly)
*Spoiler*
Show

----------


## Grey Watcher

> My teacher pointed me with his ruler and said: at the end of this ruler there's an idiot."  I got detention after asking which end.


I would've given you extra credit.

----------


## BisectedBrioche

Did you hear about the movie about a killer candy cane?

The main arc doesn't start until near the end, but it has a few twists all along it.

EDIT:

There's a sequel about a stick of rock.

The writing stays the same through it.

----------


## Rater202

Inspired by a recent Texts From Superheroes.

Everyone knows that Bruce Wayne, Batman, is rich, but does anyone know how rich?

Bruce Wayne is so rich, that for easter he has the Robin hunt for _Fabergé_ eggs and then when they're all found, he sells them and puts the money in whichever (adopted) son is robin right now's college fund.

----------


## Fyraltari

> _fabrege_ eggs


Fabergé eggs.

----------


## Rater202

> Fabergé eggs.


Surely I have no idea what you're talking about.So a Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar and at the counter that's an elderly man in a kilt and now shirt and the man is painted bright orange. The orange man seems, honestly, a bit unwell so the priest goes up to him and says "are you alright, sir?" and the Orange man responds, "yeah, I'm fine. I was in town for a football game but my team lost and the rest of my group left without me so I'm just kind of stranded here until my taxi comes."

Feeling compassion for the stranded orange man alone in the bar, the priest and his friend the rabbi both decide to sit at the bar with him and keep him company until the taxi comes for them and the three men are sipping their respective drinks and after a moment the orange man takes a cellphone out of a hidden pocket in his kilt and checks the time. "My taxi is two hours late and this bar closes in ten minutes. I don't know what I'm gonna do."

The priest and the rabbi look at each other and silently agree. "Well, if your ride isn't here by last call," the Rabbi says, "I'll take you to your hometown in my car. It's a bit out of the way but I have nothing to do in the morning."

The orange man thanks the rabbi and goes back to his drink. Five minutes into last call, the priest decides to crack a joke.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

The orange man finishes his beer and says "because he was suicidal. The street was a busy highway."

The priest chuckles nervously, figuring that the orange man's taste in humor runs darker than his own, and moments later the bar starts closing down to the three men pay their tabs, get up, and head into the parking lot.

The priest parked closer to the bar than the rabbi did, so he has a perfect view of the rabbi and the orange man stopping in the middle of the parking lot, the orange man and rabbi laughing about something... And a taxi speeding into the parking lot and hitting the orange man.

----------


## Sermil

> Surely I have no idea what you're talking about.


Fyraltari was correcting your spelling of Fabergé, and stop calling him Shirley.

----------


## ziproot

> ::Corporate wants you to find the difference between this picture and this picture::
> ::First picture, is a flag of the Roman Republic::
> ::Second picture, is the flag of the United States of America::
> ::Pam:: "It's the same picture."


Corporate wants you to find the difference between this thread and this thread.
"It's the same thread."

----------


## blunk

Why is it impossible to pass anything in the Equine Congress?

*Spoiler*
Show

Because horses lack the cognitive ability to understand the issues or the concept of voting.

----------


## Ravens_cry

I have a hipster friend into magma music.
*Spoiler*
Show

It's rock music before it was cool.

----------


## Christopher K.

I went to a bookstore and picked up a book on diagnosing kleptomania. It was quite a steal.

----------


## Ravens_cry

A man who is a known thief manages to get job at a construction site. The security guards, so every day at quitting, he comes trundling along with a load of rubbish in his wheelbarrow, the main security guard checks for any valuable items, but he always finds nothing. This went on for some time until the job ends. Years later, the security guard was retired, and he ran into the thief. "OK, I know you were stealing something, but I'm retired, and it's probably past the statute of limitations anyway." The thief smiles and nods. "Oh, yeah, yeah, I was stealing something from the site." The security guard nods. "OK, we watched you like a hawk, only time you were out of site was to use the toilets, and we checked there too, just what were you stealing?"
The thief shrugs and smiles.
*Spoiler*
Show

"Wheelbarrows."

----------


## Misereor

> Fabergé eggs.


Tangent true story.

I got my mom a Baltic cruise for her 70th birthday, and had decided I was going to buy her a faberge egg as an extra present. 
You could get them in all the Baltic countries, but I was dead set on getting mine in St. Peterburg for that authentic feel, even though I was warned it would be more expensive. So we arrive in St. Petersburg, ride around on a tour bus and eventually come to a bunch of classical tourist trap stores, which sure enough have faberge eggs. I look around until I see the one I want at just under a thousand bucks (probably overprized), locked behind bars and armored glass. As the salesperson is packing the egg into a nice little box, he notices that he is missing some papers that go along with the egg. He is so nervous anout leaving us alone with the egg, that he goes sprinting through the shop, leaving the other customers staring in amazement and nearly overturning the walker of an elderly lady. He makes it back to us in record time, fills out the papers and sends us on our merry way.

When we arrive back at the docks, we have a few minutes, so we go strolling around the souvenir shops, and guess what I see outside a stand that sells newspapers and candy. About a hundred of the same model faberge egg we had just bought, in all the colors you can imagine, out in the open air for everyone to grab because they're so cheao. So I guess I was right. That first store _was_ somewhat overprized. 

The egg still made it onto my moms fireplace mantle though. 
I suspect she enjoys telling guests the story of what an idiot her son is much more than she would have an expensive piece of glitter...

----------


## Fyraltari

You mean replicas of Fabergé eggs, right? Because there's only like six dozens of the buggers and getting one for a thousand bucks would be quite a steal.

----------


## Peelee

> You mean replicas of Fabergé eggs, right? Because there's only like six dozens of the buggers and getting one for a thousand bucks would be quite a steal.


That's why the salesman was so worried. Probably lost his job after that.

----------


## Misereor

> You mean replicas of Fabergé eggs, right? Because there's only like six dozens of the buggers and getting one for a thousand bucks would be quite a steal.


Shops don't actually call the knockoffs replicas. I think it's one of those things where everyone just assumes that people who want to buy an original would know something about the subject?
It looked like one of these, except I think it must have been considerably cheaper, considering how the souvenir shop at the harbor displayed them.

----------


## JeenLeen

I was going to tell you a time travel joke, but you didn't find it funny.

----------


## Peelee

> I was going to tell you a time travel joke, but you didn't find it funny.


Oh I like that one.

----------


## asda fasda

> Tangent true story.
> 
> I got my mom a Baltic cruise for her 70th birthday, and had decided I was going to buy her a faberge egg as an extra present. 
> You could get them in all the Baltic countries, but I was dead set on getting mine in St. Peterburg for that authentic feel, even though I was warned it would be more expensive. So we arrive in St. Petersburg, ride around on a tour bus and eventually come to a bunch of classical tourist trap stores, which sure enough have faberge eggs. I look around until I see the one I want at just under a thousand bucks (probably overprized), locked behind bars and armored glass. As the salesperson is packing the egg into a nice little box, he notices that he is missing some papers that go along with the egg. He is so nervous anout leaving us alone with the egg, that he goes sprinting through the shop, leaving the other customers staring in amazement and nearly overturning the walker of an elderly lady. He makes it back to us in record time, fills out the papers and sends us on our merry way.
> 
> When we arrive back at the docks, we have a few minutes, so we go strolling around the souvenir shops, and guess what I see outside a stand that sells newspapers and candy. About a hundred of the same model faberge egg we had just bought, in all the colors you can imagine, out in the open air for everyone to grab because they're so cheao. So I guess I was right. That first store _was_ somewhat overprized. 
> 
> The egg still made it onto my moms fireplace mantle though. 
> I suspect she enjoys telling guests the story of what an idiot her son is much more than she would have an expensive piece of glitter...



The question is about material the replica is made of because you can have pretty much exactly the same looking egs (as both of them are made based on original) but one can be made from metal, with a little bit of gold, glass etc and other just from plastic, which will be significantly cheaper : )

----------


## Misereor

> The question is about material the replica is made of because you can have pretty much exactly the same looking egs (as both of them are made based on original) but one can be made from metal, with a little bit of gold, glass etc and other just from plastic, which will be significantly cheaper : )


Wasn't trying to hijack the thread.
Just a story about me spending money like a drunken sailor to make my mom happy, and ending up looking like a complete idiot. :)

----------


## Fyraltari

> Originally Posted by JeenLeen
> 
> 
> I was going to tell you a time travel joke, but you didn't find it funny.
> 
> 
> Oh I like that one.


You fool! You've damaged the space-time continuum!

----------


## UnintensifiedFa

So there's a man named Skipper, and he always brags about being the most popular man on the planet, claiming that he "knows everyone there is to know". Now Skipper isn't some celebrity or politician but instead works your average white-collar job. Finally, after hearing his boasts for the nth time, Skipper's boss decides to call him out on his bluff.
"I'll bet you don't know Tom Cruise!" says Skipper's boss. 
"Oh yes, we're very good friends!" Replies Skipper, "Let's fly over to Hollywood and meet him."
So Skipper and his boss fly to Hollywood, where Tom Cruise is filming his latest blockbuster movie. In the middle of a scene, he catches Skipper's eye, and stops production, and says,
"Hey, Skipper! I was just about to film the climactic scene but since you showed up let's have lunch!"
They have a nice lunch, but Skippers boss is still skeptical, surely it was just a coincidence? 
"Well, I'll bet you don't know the president of the United States!" he says.
"Oh he and I go way back, let's stop at D.C. after this, I haven't seen him in forever".
So they both fly over to D.C. and meet the President after a speech. Once again, the President sees skipper and immediately stops what he's doing.
"Oh Skipper! I was just about to attend an important meeting, but then I saw you! Let's have dinner, on me!"
So they have a wonderful dinner at the white house, and they chit-chat the whole way, but once again, Skipper's boss is still having doubts and decides to put the nail in the Coffin.
"Well, I'll bet you don't know the Pope!" He says to Skipper.
But, once again Skipper replies, "Oh My family is very religious! We've always kept in touch with the current religious leaders, I think he's having Mass in Rome tomorrow, maybe we can catch him!"
So Skipper and his boss fly out to Rome, and arrive just in time for Mass, but Skipper still has one problem, 
"Oh no! We'll never catch the Pope's eye in this crowd," he says, "I'll tell you what, I know all of the swiss guards, I'll tell them to let me go out on the balcony with the Pope, you stay here."
So, as planned, Skipper shows up on the Balcony with the Pope. However, after the Mass, Skipper learns that his boss had a heart attack, distressed, he runs to the hospital where his boss is recovering and asks what happened.
"Well, I was watching from the crowd when you came out with the pope," he says, "And all of a sudden the person next to me points up and says: 'Who's that up on the balcony with Skipper?'"

----------


## emma jessica

> Animal jokes!
> 
> Most of these work better when you act them out. My kids love'em.
> 
> A rabbit sees a bear walking through the forest.
> "Where are you going, bear?"
> "Shopping abroad, behind the border."
> "Oooh. Can I come?"
> "You have a passport?"
> ...


It was actually funny :D

----------


## emma jessica

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' Daughter.
Son: Then ok.

Dad goes to Bill Gates
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Then ok.

Dad goes to the President of the World Bank
Dad: Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank.
President: No!
Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
President: Then ok!
This is business. :D

----------


## baraton

Why do people say break a leg when you go on stage? Because every play has a cast.

----------


## Silent Hunter

What's black, yellow, dead and flies?

A zom-bee!

----------


## EmmyNecromancer

Well, I would tell you my joke about the broken pencil... but honestly... it's pointless.

----------


## Rogan

Do you know the joke about the elevator? 

*Spoiler*
Show

 Me neither,  I have taken the stairs

----------


## Trafalgar

Am I a bad person because I really want to read all the scrubbed jokes?

----------


## Rater202

Not my joke, but one I was reminded of recently.

A man is driving down a road outside of town, it's late, and he gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop says that he's driving 51 in a 50 zone, he's getting a ticket for speeding, and demands his license and registration.

The man, rather annoyed at being pulled over for something so minor, responds: "I don't have them on me officer, I didn't want to be identifiable."

'Why not?"

"Becuase I'm smuggling crack."

At this point, the officer is incredulous, he's not sure he heard what he thought he heard: "Sir, have you been drinking tonight."

"Only vodka. And Absinth... Wait, is meth a drink?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "I need you to step out of the car."

"Okay officer, just, back up, I've gotta be slow and careful. Got a loaded gun with a hair-trigger on me."

"Why do you have a gun?"

"How else was I supposed to kill the woman in my trunk?"

At this point, the cop tears open the man's door, rips him out of his seat, throws him down, cuffs him, takes him to the back of his own car, and calls it in.

Five hours later, the man is in an interrogation room and the local sheriff comes in.

The sheriff says "Sir, I have to apologize... The arresting officer told us that you'd been driving intoxicated, without a license, with a loaded weapon, and ad confessed to smuggling illegal substances and the body of a woman that you'd murdered. However, after searching every nook and cranny of your car we found no drugs, no dead woman, no firearm in your car or on your person, your license and registration were in your glove compartment, and you tested negative for any drugs or alcohol. The officer has been... Severely reprimanded for this horribly series of events."

The man looks the sheriff in the eye and, cool and calm as a British Palice guard, says "I bet that bastard said I was speeding, too."

----------


## JeenLeen

What do you call a book made by hand?




A *manual.* 
Or a *manuscript.*
Like, the stem _manu_ means _hand_.  Not funny, eh?

Less funny: handbook.

My daughter asked me that question as a legitimate question, and I paused a bit trying to think of if there was a real answer or not (e.g., a word that meant that), then I laughed and said _manual._  When I described the joke, she said it wasn't funny.

----------


## GravityEmblem

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?

To get to the rubber side.


....i stole that one from Backyardagains

----------


## Edreyn

An old joke adapted to current forum discussions.

A man walks around the slums district of a city in the middle of the night. When he is near a pond that everyone in the area uses as a sewage drain and garbage pit, he suddenly sees a hooded figure, drinking with a cupped hand from it!
Scared for the stranger's health, the man yells:
"Stop, have you lost your mind! All the sewage and garbage goes here, from the whole neighborhood!"
The hooded figure continues to drink.
"Stop it, you madman, this water is deadly poisonous!"
The hooded guy turns around, and the man sees that it is actually... a goblin!
The goblin asks "wut deed yu thay"?
"I said - DRINK WITH BOTH HANDS, IT'S EASIER!"

----------


## Fyraltari

> What do you call a book made by hand?
> a *manuscript.*


That's not a joke, that the meaning of the word.

What goes through the mind of a man falling from the thirtieth floor?
*Spoiler*
Show

His spine.

----------


## Insane Jeenyus

> I call shenanigans. Everyone knows a pirate's first love is the C.


  I thought it was Arr!

----------


## Rogan

A woman invites her lover to her house while her husband is away. They don't want her son to disturb them but they don't have much space either, so the boy is supposed to play in a dark chamber.
When the husband comes home earlier, the lover has to hide there.

Boy: It's dark in here...
Lover: Hmm....
B: I have a ball.
L: Great...
B: Do you want to buy it? 
L: No.
B: I will tell my daddy you are here!
L: Fine I will take the ball.  How much? 
B: 50$

In order to avoid getting caught the lover pays and gets the ball. 


Some days later,  the situation repeats.

B: It's dark in here... I have a pump for a ball. Do you want to buy it? 
L: No
B: I will tell daddy
L: Okay okay... how much? 
B: 100$

Again, the lover would rather pay this price than getting caught. 

The next day, the husband noticed the ball and the pump are gone and he asks his son what he did with them.

B: I sold them. 
H: What did you get for them? 
B: 150$
H: What?  That's far too much!  You have scammed some poor guy. You will go to the church immediately and confess!

So the boy goes to church and enters the confessional box.

B: It's dark in here...
Priest: * Don't start again!*

----------


## Trafalgar

Why does the Norwegian Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

*Spoiler: Answer*
Show

So when they come back into port, they can Scandinavian

----------


## Lysbeth

I have jokes!

Two atoms of helium walk into a bar. HeHe.

Xenon, Krypton, and Neon walk into a bar. The barman tells them "get out, we don't serve noble gases here!" But they do not react.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for half a pint. The third one asks for a quarter pint. The fourth one for half that. When the fifth one opens their mouth, the barman cuts them off: "I'll just be pouring two pints for all of you. You guys really oughta know your limits."

----------


## farothel

-rabbits jump and live for 8 years, dogs walk and live for 15 years, turtles do nothing and live for 150 years.  Lessons learned.

-When I go missing I want my picture on a beer bottle rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

-I bet earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.

-psychic fair cancelled, due to unforeseen circumstances

----------


## Tvtyrant

I have a scam involving limestone, it is a pyramid scheme.

----------


## Peelee

> An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for half a pint. The third one asks for a quarter pint. The fourth one for half that. When the fifth one opens their mouth, the barman cuts them off: "I'll just be pouring two pints for all of you. You guys really oughta know your limits."


Beat ya to it.  :Small Wink: 



> An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a glass of beer." The second says, "I'll have half a glass beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter glass of beer." The bartender says, "dammit, even I have my limits!" and pours two beers.

----------


## KorvinStarmast

> I only have one joke, but I've perfected it to use it on anything:
> 
> How many subjectivists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?{snip}


 How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?  
*Spoiler: The answer*
Show

Two, but how did they get in there in the first place? 

 




> -Why is it called a 'beauty sleep' when you wake up looking like a troll.


 Keeping this one for later.  :Small Smile: 

(This joke works better in the UK, but here goes) 
A white horse walks into a bar, sits at the end, and orders a pint.  
He is served and sits there sipping his pint. 
The bartender, having never seen a horse do this, tries to break the ice. 
He points up at a bottle of scotch on the bar shelf and says "We've got a bottle of whisky named after you" 
The horse replies, with a raised eyebrow: "What, you named that bottle Eric?"

----------


## paddyfool

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

*Spoiler*
Show

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

----------


## Trafalgar

These are good jokes for anyone doing a job they love that pays little or no money. I am using "ski instructor" here but you could replace it with climbing guide, artist, art history major, musician, philosopher, etc.

How do you get a "ski instructor" to leave your front door?

*Spoiler: Answer*
Show

You pay for the pizza.

What is the difference between a "ski instructor" and a pizza?

*Spoiler: Answer*
Show

A pizza can feed a family of 4.

----------


## Peelee

> These are good jokes for anyone doing a job they love that pays little or no money. I am using "ski instructor" here but you could replace it with climbing guide, artist, art history major, musician, philosopher, etc.
> 
> How do you get a "ski instructor" to leave your front door?
> 
> *Spoiler: Answer*
> Show
> 
> You pay for the pizza.
> 
> ...


Q: What do you say to an actor in Los Angeles?

A: Your drink order, and if you're ready to order the entrees.

----------


## Sermil

> Q: What do you say to an actor in Los Angeles?
> 
> A: Your drink order, and if you're ready to order the entrees.


Q: What's an LA actor's hardest role?

A: Sourdough.

----------


## Lacco

A forest in winter.

You see a lovely snow-covered scenery. Snow-covered trees, rocks, frozen brook.

Suddenly, a tree falls down. Something is coming closer. You hear grumbling.

A bear appears. He walks slowly towards where you stand. He kicks a tree, it falls down. 

*grumblegrumble* 

The bear picks up a rock, throws it to the brook, cracking the ice. 

*grumblegrumble*

It is coming closer. It kicks down another tree. You can almost hear him.

*grumblegrumble... stupid rabbit... grumblegrumble... and his stupid ideas... grumble... have an espresso in october, what's the worst that can happen?...grumblegrumble...*

----------


## Trafalgar

What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

*Spoiler: Answer*
Show

THE TASTE!!!!!

----------


## Misereor

Doctor: I'm afraid I have som bad news. You have incurable cancer.
Patient: Incurable cancer? Oh no!
Doctor: And I'm afraid I have more bad news. You also have a bad case of Alzheimers.
Patient: Alzherimers? Oh no! But look at the bright side, at least it's not like I have incurable cancer.



Chief of police Harrigan came home from work early one day, and found his wife in bed with the curtains shut and all the lights off. She asked him to please keep the lights off, as she had a terrible migraine. Needing a bit of rest himself, he quickly got out of his clothes and got into bed, making sure not to turn on the light, but before he could go to sleep his wife asked iif he could please go to the pharmacy and get her some Paracetamol. Harrigan gets up, puts his clothes back on and goes to the pharmacy. When he enters, the pharmacist looks confused for a second, and then the following conversation ensues.

Pharmacist: "I'm sorry, but aren't you chief of police Harrigan?" 
Harrigan: "Well of course I am. I've lived in this neighbourhood for 20 years and must have come in here and bought things from you a thousand times!"
Pharmacist: "Yes, I thought so. Iit's just that this is the first time I've ever seen you in a mailman's uniform."

----------


## BisectedBrioche

Q. Why are French speaking rogues the most dangerous?

A. When they sneak attack there are always several d6'd!

----------


## Fyraltari

> Q. Why are French speaking rogues the most dangerous?
> 
> A. When they sneak attack there are always several d6'd!


 :Small Confused:

----------


## enderlord99

> 


"several décédé" I think.

----------


## BisectedBrioche

"several deceased"

----------


## enderlord99

> "several deceased"


What does that have to do with speaking French?

----------


## BisectedBrioche

> What does that have to do with speaking French?


If you pronounce d6 in French, you get "day-cease".

Giving you the two meanings "with several d6 dice rolls" and "with several casualties".

----------


## Fyraltari

> Q. Why are French speaking rogues the most dangerous?
> 
> A. When they sneak attack there are always several d6'd!





> If you pronounce d6 in French, you get "day-cease".
> 
> Giving you the two meanings "with several d6 dice rolls" and "with several casualties".


Okay but "day-cease-day" doesn't sound like anything.

Edit: and isn't the first "e" in "deceased" pronounced like the following "ea", anyway?

----------


## enderlord99

> Okay but "day-cease-day" doesn't sound like anything.


TIL that an apostrophe followed by a "d" (without any vowels) is pronounced "day" in French.

EDIT:  Also without the apostrophe.  Is that just what the letter's called there?

----------


## BisectedBrioche

> Okay but "day-cease-day" doesn't sound like anything.
> 
> Edit: and isn't the first "e" in "deceased" pronounced like the following "ea", anyway?


The 'd stands in for -ed, not an isolated d, making for deceas*ed*. It's there to make it clearer what "d6 with French pronunciation" is meant to sound similar to.

The joke was meant to be "French pronunciation turns d6 into another word in English".

----------


## Fyraltari

> TIL that an apostrophe followed by a "d" (without any vowels) is pronounced "day" in French.
> 
> EDIT:  Also without the apostrophe.  Is that just what the letter's called there?


Yes. Well, it's pronounced "dé", so more like the "de" in "detterent" than "day".

----------


## Peelee

Ah, English is just a bunch of French in a trenchcoat anyway.

----------


## Fyraltari

> The 'd stands in for -ed, not an isolated d, making for deceas*ed*. It's there to make it clearer what "d6 with French pronunciation" is meant to sound similar to.
> 
> The joke was meant to be "French pronunciation turns d6 into another word in English".


Okay, I got it. But, I am still confused about one thing. Isn't the "de" in "deceased" pronounced like John Dee's last name?

----------


## Peelee

> Okay, I got it. But, I am still confused about one thing. Isn't the "de" in "deceased" pronounced like John Dee's last name?


No. The "decea" part of "deceased" does not sound like "Dee see". Its more like "duh see".

https://youtube.com/watch?v=FXebOiHvhJQ

----------


## Keltest

> Ah, English is just a bunch of French in a trenchcoat anyway.


English is a bunch of German in French makeup you mean.

----------


## BisectedBrioche

> Okay, I got it. But, I am still confused about one thing. Isn't the "de" in "deceased" pronounced like John Dee's last name?


English is ridiculous enough that you could pronounce the d in any way you wanted and still get the point across. Duh-ceased, dee-ceased, da-ceased, and so on all sound close enough for a groan inducing pun.




> English is a bunch of German in French makeup you mean.


English is a Germanic pidgin that learnt Latin from French to sound fancy.

----------


## Fyraltari

> No. The "decea" part of "deceased" does not sound like "Dee see". Its more like "duh see".
> 
> https://youtube.com/watch?v=FXebOiHvhJQ


It's killing me that there is a video about that very topic. What the ****, English.

----------


## Peelee

> English is a bunch of German in French makeup you mean.


English is French set to German structure, but somehow thinks it's Latin. 



> It's killing me that there is a video about that very topic. What the ****, English.


There's a video on how to pronounce most words in most languages. Don't think French escaped. YouTube is pretty great for educational work.

----------


## Fyraltari

> English is French set to German structure, but somehow thinks it's Latin.


You think English its verbs at the end of sentences put?
Obvious Yoda joke obvious is.




> There's a video on how to pronounce most words in most languages. Don't think French escaped. YouTube is pretty great for educational work.


So it does. Huh. Surprise formally retracted.

----------


## CardGrandMaster

I'm super new to this forum but - love this post

----------


## Peelee

> You think English its verbs at the end of sentences put?


You don't?  :Small Amused:

----------


## Sermil

> You think English its verbs at the end of sentences put?


Where else would they be placed?

----------


## CapnWildefyr

I was driving in the country past a fire hall, and on the announcement board, where they post notes for upcoming events, it read:

Time Traveler's Club monthly meeting: 
Last Wednesday at 7pm.

I laughed for 3 miles.
.....

One day, this guy is sitting at home, watching TV. He hears a knock on the door. He gets up, answers the door, and doesn't see anything. So, he closes the door and sits back down. A moment later, there's another knock on the door. He sighs, gets up, and opens the door. No one. He looks around, and sees this snail down at his feet. So he picks it up and throws it as far as he can. A year later, he's watching TV again, and there's a knock at the door. He gets up, opens the door, and looks around, and sees the snail on his doormat. The snail looks at him and says, "Hey, man! Why'd you do that?"

----------


## Sermil

Have you heard the latest conspiracy theory? Gravity doesn't exist!

Ya, it's just a ploy by The Man to _keep you down_.

----------


## Trafalgar

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 Pills at me!

Don't worry. The wounds were only super-fish-oil.

----------


## Gravitron5000

Did you hear about the bounty on pirates?

*Spoiler*
Show

It's a buck an ear!

----------


## TaRix

Did you know Albert Einstein was a real person?

'Cuz I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

----------


## Misereor

Time for some cringeworthy viking puns!

The Fenris Wolf, the Midgard Serpent, and the Goddess Hel all had huge cosmological significance.
But their father was low key.

"Hello! Are you a goddess of love?"
"I'm a Freya not."

"Hello! Are you the goddess of spring?"
"Idunn? No!"

Why don't frost giants sail in longships?
They don't know how to Thrym them!

So why was Njord the god of the sea?
Unlike the giants, he Noatun or two about ships.

----------


## Asmotherion

> Okay but "day-cease-day" doesn't sound like anything.
> 
> Edit: and isn't the first "e" in "deceased" pronounced like the following "ea", anyway?


It sounds like "De Sis"'d 

As a Frensh Speaker, It's funnier if you speak frensh.

----------


## Fyraltari

> It sounds like "De Sis"'d 
> 
> As a Frensh Speaker, It's funnier if you speak frensh.


I know, we've been over this.

----------


## DarthArminius

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT0ay9u1gg4

----------


## VoxRationis

A man diligently goes to work every day, and takes care to always ensure future stability in his life, yet he neither desires nor reasonably foresees a pleasant retirement.

----------


## BisectedBrioche

> Time for some cringeworthy viking puns!
> 
> The Fenris Wolf, the Midgard Serpent, and the Goddess Hel all had huge cosmological significance.
> But their father was low key.
> 
> "Hello! Are you a goddess of love?"
> "I'm a Freya not."
> 
> "Hello! Are you the goddess of spring?"
> ...


Did you hear about the most popular Norse God? Top Tyr!

----------


## Saintheart

I'm not sure about living in Switzerland, but the flag is a big plus.

----------


## Astral Avenger

1) What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?

2) What were Rene Descartes' last words?
*Spoiler: Answer*
Show

1)Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar

2) I think not!

----------


## Peelee

> What were Rene Descartes' last words?


Dangit, I was just about to tell my equine joke, but now it's ruined. Everyone knows you don't put Descartes before the horse!

----------


## Lord Raziere

The casting choices of the new Mario movie. There, I told one.

Q: How did the memelord make people laugh?
A: They didn't.

Why was the comments section used with a puppy to build an electricity generator?
Because its always negative.

why did the content creator use a mouse to fish?
for the clickbait

what did the angry internet person do when their lightbulb went out?
blame the people they hate anyways.

how many internet people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. A Pro-lightbulb fan to blame anti-lightbulbers, an anti-lightbulb fan to blame pro-lightbulbers, and a third to makes memes about the lightbulb being out.

----------


## Fyraltari

> The casting choices of the new Mario movie. There, I told one.
> 
> Q: How did the memelord make people laugh?
> A: They didn't.
> 
> Why was the comments section used with a puppy to build an electricity generator?
> Because its always negative.
> 
> why did the content creator use a mouse to fish?
> ...


...
Are you doing okay, right now? You seem angry.

----------


## Lord Raziere

> ...
> Are you doing okay, right now? You seem angry.


Nice set up. the punchline is that I'm not angry, I'm just experimenting with new forms of jokes. the internet and its tendencies need to be made fun of in general. these are just patterns and tendencies I've observed over years of being online and trying to put them into joke form so that people understand the absurdity they are in.

clearly the experiment was a failure if I mistaken for angry.

----------


## HalfTangible

"Your dog ate your programming homework?"
"It took him a couple bytes."

----------


## paddyfool

> Did you hear about the most popular Norse God? Top Tyr!


Roughly remembered pun from The Sandman:
"So the god of Thunder has a romantic tryst with a young lady, at the end of which he tells her "I am Thor!"
She replies: "*You're* sore? I can hardly walk!"

----------


## bramblefoot

why couldn't the criminal eat his favorite food?

the judge said "no peas for the wicked"

ill show myself the door

----------


## BisectedBrioche

> Roughly remembered pun from The Sandman:
> "So the god of Thunder has a romantic tryst with a young lady, at the end of which he tells her "I am Thor!"
> She replies: "*You're* sore? I can hardly walk!"


A few Norse mythology fans thought my joke didn't quite mesh with the original lore. In fact it relied on Baldur dash!

----------


## Bounty Hunter

> why couldn't the criminal eat his favorite food?
> 
> the judge said "no peas for the wicked"
> 
> ill show myself the door


Know why Hand of Vecna requires that your cut off your own?

No wrist for the wicked...

----------


## Supagoof

Q: What do you get hanging from apple trees?

A: Sore arms.

----------


## bramblefoot

here is a 40k joke

an inquisitor, an ork and an eldar all walk into a bar

HERESY!

----------


## Quill

Why did the halfling call it quits with his warforged girlfriend?
Because she was too high maintenance...

----------


## farothel

-To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.  On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches

-cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.

-alarm clocks: because every morning should start with a heart attack.

----------


## paddyfool

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a carrot up his nose, a banana in his right ear and a cucumber in his left ear.
"What's wrong with me?" he asks.
The doctor replies: "You're not eating properly."

----------


## ghbok

Why are ghosts such bad liars?

Because they are easy to see through.

----------


## Lord Raziere

How do you tell the difference between a DnD player, a Skyrim player and a Dark souls player?
The first kills you then takes your stuff, the second takes your stuff then kills you, and the third takes your stuff then dies.

----------


## Sermil

What does Clark Kent have in his bathroom?

*Spoiler*
Show

The Superbowl

----------


## DarthArminius

"Ah naal nathrack, uthe be bethutte, doth el envay!" - Hodor

----------


## HalfTangible

This one's stolen.

---

There's this cruise ship, out in the pacific with this magician. And this magician was really good at magic tricks and illusions. But the captain of the boat had a parrot, and he loved to bring the parrot to the shows, and the parrot would ruin every trick by going "it's in his hat! BRAAWWWK" "he put it up his sleeve! BRAAWWWK" etc. This went on for a while until one day the magician got fed up and threw his microphone at the bird. He missed, and accidentally started a fire. The boat exploded and the only two survivors were the magician and the parrot. The two of them were floating on a piece of driftwood, and then the parrot says:

"Alright I give up, where's the damn ship?"

----------


## Peelee

> This one's stolen.
> 
> ---
> 
> There's this cruise ship, out in the pacific with this magician. And this magician was really good at magic tricks and illusions. But the captain of the boat had a parrot, and he loved to bring the parrot to the shows, and the parrot would ruin every trick by going "it's in his hat! BRAAWWWK" "he put it up his sleeve! BRAAWWWK" etc. This went on for a while until one day the magician got fed up and threw his microphone at the bird. He missed, and accidentally started a fire. The boat exploded and the only two survivors were the magician and the parrot. The two of them were floating on a piece of driftwood, and then the parrot says:
> 
> "Alright I give up, where's the damn ship?"


Been a while since I've seen that but it always makes me chuckle. Don't even know why it's a parrot when any passenger would serve well, but it's always a parrot and it still works perfectly.

----------


## Rater202

"Ain't no party like a Donner party cause a Donner party... Where's Bob?"

----------


## Lord Raziere

"Hey I just fought a guy named Kenshiro, poked me a lot of times then said I won a Darwin award! I'm so happy I never won an award before, but I'm wondering where it is."

----------


## Peelee

> "Hey I just fought a guy named Kenshiro, poked me a lot of times then said I won a Darwin award! I'm so happy I never won an award before, but I'm wondering where it is."


*Spoiler*
Show

----------


## DarthArminius

> "Ain't no party like a Donner party cause a Donner party... Where's Bob?"


What do the Donner Expedition and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy Dead People.

----------


## zenaeastin

Once a cat and a dog fight over swimming in the lake, meanwhile a any cross their way and said you do fight I am going to take a shower ahhahahahahahahahaa

----------


## paddyfool

You can hear the blood in your veins if you... 







...listen varicosely

----------


## HalfTangible

> You can hear the blood in your veins if you... 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...listen varicosely


No joke, there's also a soundless chamber that muffles ambient sound to such a degree you can hear the blood moving in your veins and can only barely hear yourself talk. It's apparently incredibly uncomfortable and people can only stand being there for so long.

-

"What's the difference between a watermelon and a banana?"
"I don't know, what?"
"Well I'm not sending you to the grocery store, then!"

----------


## Peelee

> No joke, there's also a soundless chamber that muffles ambient sound to such a degree you can hear the blood moving in your veins and can only barely hear yourself talk. It's apparently incredibly uncomfortable and people can only stand being there for so long.


Anechoic chambers. There are actually several, but one particular one is open to the public. Due to how we generally sense, according to reports it's not uncomfortable so much as generally disorienting (I believe most anechoic chambers are dark, due to lighting constraints to keep things in the negative decibel range). From what I've heard, anyone who wants to be in for more than a half hour is highly advised to sit or lie down, and the longest anyone has been in one at one location has been about an hour.

ETA: Also, some people with certain conditions actually find it peaceful, apparently.

----------


## BisectedBrioche

> Anechoic chambers. There are actually several, but one particular one is open to the public. Due to how we generally sense, according to reports it's not uncomfortable so much as generally disorienting (I believe most anechoic chambers are dark, due to lighting constraints to keep things in the negative decibel range). From what I've heard, anyone who wants to be in for more than a half hour is highly advised to sit or lie down, and the longest anyone has been in one at one location has been about an hour.
> 
> ETA: Also, some people with certain conditions actually find it peaceful, apparently.


With my ASD (and how prone I am to overstimulation), that sounds amazing. Then again, that has "be careful what you wish for" all over it.  :Small Tongue: 

Anyways, a joke:

A British trans man takes his HRT before running a game of D&D in the Winter.

That's GM's T!

----------


## HalfTangible

How did the bullet lose his job?

He got fired.

----------


## Lord Vukodlak

What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

"Luke-warm"

----------


## Gold Leaf

What's a pirate's favourite element of the Periodic Table?
 It's gold. What the crap would a pirate want with Argon?

----------


## Lord Raziere

Why did the clown name his taxi Yanutz?
cause he's driving it.

----------


## BisectedBrioche

Did you hear about the fried bread dough that was dreading a response to an email about its parents?

Doughnut fears the "RE: Pa"

----------


## Caerulea

Not so much a joke, but a limerick I enjoy: 

_There was a young lady named Bright.
Who could travel far faster than light.
She set off one day, 
in a relative way,
and returned home the previous night._

Some other of my jokes: 
  - The first time I used an elevator, it was an uplifting experience! The second time let me down. 

 - You don't see people named Lance very often anymore, but in medieval times they were named Lance a lot. 

 - Justice is best served cold, because if it were served warm it would be Justwater. 

 - My friends staged an intervention for my drinking. It was a sobering experience. 

- What should do if there's a demon in your code? Call an X0Rcist. 

 - I got hit on the head by a bookshelf, but I only have myshelf to blame.

----------


## Grey Watcher

> What's a pirate's favourite element of the Periodic Table?
>  It's gold. What the crap would a pirate want with Argon?


What's a pirate's favorite letter?  R?  No, a pirate's only true love is the C!

----------


## Peelee

> What's a pirate's favorite letter?  R?  No, a pirate's only true love is the C!


What's a pirates least favorite letter? A cease and desist.

----------


## Sigako

During the COVID years US made 3 vaccines: a raster, a vector, and a scalar ones.

***

 - In Scandinavian mythology there's a ship called Naglfar, which is made from the nails of all the dead and will ferry the armies of the end of days. Ok, I have a question: what in the h*** the tooth fairy is building?
 - The tower to bite the skies, apparently.

***

Once a scorpion approached a turtle and asked to ferry him across the river.
 - But how do I know you won't sting me?
 - Because I don't want to drown.
Turtle agreed that it's a good argument and put a scorpio on his back.
In the middle of the river scorpion suddenly stung the turtle, only for his sting to harmlessly bounce from the turtle's tough carapace.
The turtle heard that and chuckled:
 - You see, we're all hostages of our own nature. Yours is to sting, *Spoiler: and mine is to...*
Show

and mine is to dive.

----------


## BisectedBrioche

> What's a pirate's favorite letter?  R?  No, a pirate's only true love is the C!





> What's a pirates least favorite letter? A cease and desist.


But remember; P isn't their favourite, but without it they become irate!

----------


## farothel

If a cat loses its tail, where does it go?

*Spoiler: answer*
Show


The retail store.

----------


## enderlord99

This story does not involve any snakes.
*Spoiler: especially ones named Nate*
Show

The king of a small nation lived in a palace that was, in actuality, just a straw hut with an attic.  Still, with the king living there, it was indeed a palace, as far as the citizens of that nation were concerned.  The king would greet guests while sitting cross-legged on the floor.
*Spoiler*
Show

One day, the king grew tired of sitting on the floor; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a simple wooden stool.  He sat upon the stool, and for a time, he was content.
*Spoiler*
Show

Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his simple wooden stool; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a  new chair, this one made of copper, and padded with wool; and he put the simple wooden stool up in the attic; and he sat upon the wool-padded, copper chair; and for a time, he was content.
*Spoiler*
Show

Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his wool-padded, copper chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of silver, and padded with linen, and decorated with emeralds; and he put the wool-padded copper chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair; and for a time, he was content.
*Spoiler*
Show

Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of gold, and padded with silk, and decorated with rubies, and now with the addition of reclining functionality; and he put the emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair; and for a time he was content.
*Spoiler*
Show

Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of platinum, and padded with velvet, and decorated with amethysts, and still with reclining functionality, and now also equipped with cupholders; and he put the reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair; and for a time he was content.
*Spoiler*
Show

Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of space-age alloy, and padded with memory-foam, and decorated with synthetic opal, and still with reclining functionality, and still with cupholders, and now with built-in heating elements for the winter; and he put his cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair up in the attic; and the roof caved in.
*Spoiler: This just goes to show*
Show

People living in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

----------


## HalfTangible

{scrubbed}

----------


## animorte

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third one ducked.

----------


## Misereor

What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaaaaiiiiiinssss!

----------


## Persolus

> This story does not involve any snakes.
> *Spoiler: especially ones named Nate*
> Show
> 
>  The king of a small nation lived in a palace that was, in actuality, just a straw hut with an attic. Still, with the king living there, it was indeed a palace, as far as the citizens of that nation were concerned. The king would greet guests while sitting cross-legged on the floor.


I understand that reference  :Small Cool: 



Well, Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping, right? Y'know, out in the woods, set up the tent, make a campfire, roast some marshmallows, tell spooky stories, the whole deal. 

So it's the middle of the night when all of a sudden Holmes is poking Watson awake.

"Watson, tell me wh- Watson, are you awake?"
_incoherent mumbling_
"Excellent, excellent. Now, Watson, tell me - what can you deduce from the night sky?"

Now, Watson was still very much not awake, so he thinks for a minute, and comes up with something that _he_ thinks makes sense.

"Well, Holmes, there are more stars up there than we could ever count. Therefore, even if only a fraction have planets like our sun, there must be countless planets. Even if only a fraction of those planets are like our Earth, there must be countless earth-like planets! And if there are countless earth-like planets, then on at least some of them life must have formed. So, Holmes, I deduce we are not alone."

"Of _course_ we're not alone, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

----------


## Dame_Mechanus

A 911 operator is answering the phones and she gets a call from a cell phone. There's a man on the other end and he's panicking. "I'm hunting with my friend in the forest," he explains through short breaths. "Everything was going all right, and then he tripped and dropped his gun just right, and - and he shot himself in the chest! He's lying on the ground and I can't get him to talk with me!"

The operator is worried, of course, but she keeps herself calm. "It sounds like your friend might have punctured his lung," she says, as calmly as she can. "What does his breathing sound like?"

"I - I don't know! I don't think I could hear him breathing!"

"It's all right, sir," she replies. "Take a deep breath, close your eyes, then go over to your friend and make _sure_ he isn't breathing."

"Okay," says the man on the other end. She hears him take a deep breath, then fumbling with his phone.

Then she jumps as she hears four gunshots very close to the phone.

"Okay," the man says a moment later. "He's _definitely_ not breathing now."

----------


## Sigako

{scrubbed}

----------


## sluggerbaloney

Hydrogen atom walks into a bar and says "Help, I've lost an electron!" The bartender says "Are you sure?" and the atom replies "I'm positive!"

----------


## Gold Leaf

Did you hear about the man named Blod?

It was a Type-O. Positively embarassing for everyone involved.

----------


## enderlord99

A famous painting by René Magritte briefly went missing from the Los Angeles County museum of art.  It was soon found... in bed with the curator's spouse, who is quoted as saying "It's not what it looks like!"

----------


## Caerulea

This fellow walks into a bar and notices three things of beef hanging from the rafters. Intrigued, they ask the bartender what they're there for. 
"Oh those are for the bet," he says. 
"The bet?" asks the man, "What's that?" 
The bartender explains, "It's a tradition at this joint. If you can jump up and touch all three you drink free for the night, but if you fail you have to buy everyone a round. Want to give it a go?" 
The man looks up again, and then shakes his head. " No I don't think it's a good idea," he answers. "The steaks are too high."

----------


## northernbard80

You know what the monkey said when he climbed down the giraffe's neck?

So long!!!

----------


## theangelJean

Courtesy of my 8yo:

Where would you buy a rude shirt?
The men's swear department.

What do you call twins on a casino roof?
Two-up.
(That one might be an Aussie thing.)

----------


## Sigako

Once a lion fell into a pitfall. A monkey saw that, sat on a branch directly above and started to mock and insult lion. After a while the branch snapped, and monkey fell right in front of lion.
 - Hey, Leo! You wouldn't believe: I came down here to say sorry!

----------


## Edreyn

Two goblin brothers, tired from being treated as outcasts, decided to find a way to become humans.

So they come to a human city and ask, what should they do to be accepted as humans?

The city leader says: "See this tower over there? It's the highest building in the city. If you can manage climbing to it's roof, outside of course, you will become humans."

Goblins agree to this.

So they climb, and it's a very long way to climb and very difficult. Finally, the older brother reaches the roof and sits on the edge,  trying to catch a breath.

And the younger goblin isn't that strong, he almost reaches the roof,  already grabs the edge with one of his hands, but he can't make the one last push. And he feels that in a few moments he will fall.

He begs: "Bro, help me get up!".

"Die goblin scum!"

----------


## Sigako

> He begs: "Bro, help me get up!".
> 
> "Die goblin scum!"


In the original version it was: "Who are you calling brother, goblin scum?"

----------


## northernbard80

What did the oven say to the biscuit?

Don't say I didn't warm you.

----------


## Persolus

Why did the medieval heretic undercook his meat?

He didn't want to burn at the steak.

----------


## Edreyn

A man is standing in the middle of a street and is hitting a puddle of water with a long stick. Again and again.

Everyone stares at him, until one man finally asks him.

"Hey, pal, what the hell are you doing?"

"Oh, I am scaring away sharks."

"Huh? Are you nuts? There are no sharks here!"

"Now you see how good I am?!"

----------


## Caerulea

The two hardest things in programming: naming things, cache invalidation, and off by one errors.

----------


## Peelee

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Because the British couldn't fit them on a boat.

----------


## farothel

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world.  Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you're wrong everyone is dead anyway.

----------


## animorte

I looked in the 4e thread and tried to scroll down.

----------


## KillianHawkeye

> Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
> 
> Because the British couldn't fit them on a boat.


One of my favorite genres of humor, "it's funny because it's true."  :Small Smile:

----------


## farothel

How do you make holy water?  

*Spoiler*
Show

You take regular water and boil the hell out of it.

----------


## dan.meme

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. because, he said I cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

----------


## ZhonLord

There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't. 

A man walks into a bar, and says, "owww."

----------


## Peelee

> There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.


There are two types of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete information.

There are 10 kinds of people, those who know binary and those who don't.

----------


## enderlord99

There are 10 types of people: those who understand hexadecimal, and F the others.

----------


## ZhonLord

What do you call melted sugar that performs on stage?

Caramel dancing! 
*Spoiler*
Show

if a certain song got stuck in your head, congratulations, that was the real joke! SUFFER, MUAHAHAHAHA!

----------


## HalfTangible

"I think you were cheating on the test."
"What? What makes you say that?"
"Well, on question 1, you and the girl next to you had the same answer."
"Everybody knows who the first president is!"
"She put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"

---

What do you call an aileron roll that passes through multiple dimensions?

A Rick roll.

----------


## ArlEammon

What do you call a feline transition from childhood to maturity? Purrrbety.

----------


## Fiery Diamond

What do Arnold Schwarzenegger, a chicken, and a classical music composer have in common?

They'll be Bach!

...It works better when said aloud.



---


What did the old battery say to the young one?
"You have a lot of potential!"


---

One night we were eating dinner with lots of fruits and vegetables.
"Can you pass me the jilted lover?" I asked.
"What?" came the reply.
"You know, a jilted lover can't elope!" I replied with a grin.
And there was much groaning.

----------


## Edreyn

Belkar caught a goblin child and asks him.

'Little goblin, how old are you?'

'Soon will be five!'

'Ha! Won't be!'.  :Belkar:

----------


## Sermil

Last year, I got really addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.

So this year, I decided to quit cold turkey.

----------


## Peelee

> Last year, I got really addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
> 
> So this year, I decided to quit cold turkey.


You're out of your gourd if you think that stuffing a Thanksgiving joke in this thread is easy as pie.

----------


## Starlit Dragon

Dark comedy is like food. Not everyone gets it.

----------


## animorte

> Last year, I got really addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
> 
> So this year, I decided to quit cold turkey.





> You're out of your gourd if you think that stuffing a Thanksgiving joke in this thread is easy as pie.


Dont know which one I laughed harder at.




> Dark comedy is like food. Not everyone gets it.


Oh my savage.


Why was the stop light red?

You would be too if you had to change in the middle of the road.

----------


## Dame_Mechanus

> Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
> 
> Because the British couldn't fit them on a boat.


Did the British steal everything from Egypt?

No, the Nile proved deceptively difficult to keep in buckets.

----------


## BisectedBrioche

I came up with a niche joke I think some people around here might appreciate: https://twitter.com/BisectedBrioche/...74228230869003




> A 5th level fighter walks into an AD&D bar, run by a druid.
> 
> They proceed to start quietly thieving from the other patrons.
> 
> The bartender looks up disapprovingly; "Keep that up, and you're bard!"

----------


## ZhonLord

An irascible old farmer named Hu discovered one morning that his best rooster had flown into a tall tree beside his farm pond and wouldnt come down, so he went to his neighbor, Wil, and asked for help. The men had never gotten along, but Wil finally agreed, so the two men went to the pond and began climbing the tree, Hu first. They meant to frighten the rooster out, you see, but the bird only kept flying higher, branch by branch. 

Then, just as Hu and the rooster reached almost the very top of the tree, with Wil right behind, there was a loud crack, the branch under Hus feet broke away, and down he went into the pond, splashing water and mud everywhere. Wil scrambled down as fast as he could and reached out to Hu from the bank, but Hu just lay there on his back, sinking deeper into the mud until only his nose stuck out of the water. Another farmer had seen what happened, and he came running and pulled Hu out of the pond. 

"Why didnt you take Wils hand?" he asked Hu. "You could have drowned." "Why should I take his hand now?" Hu grumped. _"I passed him just a moment ago in broad daylight, and he never spoke a word to me."_

----------


## Lord Raziere

If the author of _The Sandman_ was a conqueror, what would be his favorite phrase?
*Spoiler: Answer*
Show

KNEEL, GUY-MAN!

----------


## BisectedBrioche

What do you call it when you cringe at a joke from The Simpsons or Futurama?

Matt Groaning.

----------


## Caedorus

Delayed christmas joke: why does Santa never get arrested?
Because of the Santa Clause!

A man walked into a bar.

It was an iron bar.

----------

