# Forum > Play-by-Post Games > Message Board Games >  Vending Machine

## Dire Moose

Looks like the thread dropped off the forums. Well, heres the next incarnation.

A massive vending machine stands before you! Anything you put in will cause the Vending Gnomes in the machine to give you something else in return, like so:

Player 1: I insert a cow.

Player 2: You get a jug of milk.
I insert a dragon.

Player 3: You get a bunch of screaming, burned Vending Gnomes.
I insert a battleship.

Etc.

So I insert a supercalifragilisticexpialidociously antidisestablishmentarianistic humuhumunukunukuapuaa.

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## Korith

You get a Babel Fish and a hula skirt.

I insert Twelve Monkeys.

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## KAmber

> You get a Babel Fish and a hula skirt.
> 
> I insert Twelve Monkeys.


You get back a bed with a single monkey, and eleven monkeys with various injuries.
I insert a playing card with the words "Yeetus Fetus Self Deletus Avacado Diabeetus" written in blood on it, along with a pentagram instead of the single o.

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## SunderedWorldDM

You get a very confused imp asking how you knew how to summon it.

I insert the powers of life and death itself.

----------


## Korith

You get the powers of Field and Heat themselves.

I insert a xylophone enchanted to only play Baby Shark.

----------


## Dire Moose

A great white shark jumps out of the machine and eats you.

I insert a Blue Whale.

----------


## SunderedWorldDM

You get a can of blue paint, in which swims a minnow.

I insert the meaning of life, the universe and everything.

----------


## Korith

You get 42 marbles, which become lost as soon as you blink.

I insert a weeping angel.

----------


## Samba Mentality

You are transported far back in time to the ancient Mayan empire, where with some wit and some skill you are elevated to the rank of shaman and live a long life of luxury. 

I insert Pando.

----------


## Dire Moose

Assuming you meant this, you get a bunch of terrified dwarves telling you to run for your life.

I insert Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a big folder of papers in Gnomish and a thumb drive labeled _Supporting Documents._ On inspection, it seems to be an application to join the United Federation of Planets.

I insert a disassembled server rack.

----------


## TinyMushroom

The machine deposits a quivering ball of fabric that reeks of excessive sweat and cheap coffee before your feet. When dig through it, discover it's a sysadmin wrapped in a trauma blanket.

I insert a Bohemian Earspoon

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## Korith

You get a Poisonous Rhapsody, which sends anyone who listens to it into a coma for 1d4 years. DC18 Will Save negates.

I insert a shiny gold doubloon and a gift basket full of exotic cheeses.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a bunch of pirates demanding the rest of the doubloons.

I insert my dog.

----------


## SunderedWorldDM

You get a little business card with a happy face on it.

I insert a crinkled dollar bill with Arnold Schwarzenegger's face on it.

----------


## TinyMushroom

You get a dvd of a Terminator knockoff movie titled "The Neutralizor".

I insert a set of scented markers.

----------


## Samba Mentality

You get a substantial number of pennies. 

I insert my marching baritone.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a tenner.

I insert Fifty-dollars Bill.

----------


## Korith

You get five Trespassers Williams and a little stuffed Piglet.

I insert a *Caution: Wet Floor* sign, a mop, and the desiccated remains of the 13th Emperor of Atlantis.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a very angry Aquaman.

I insert the severed heads of my slain enemies.

----------


## SunderedWorldDM

You get a small pile of toenail clippings and a broken sword.

I insert the duodenum.

----------


## Samba Mentality

You get a steaming pile of unidentifiable, partially digested food. 

I insert the Mar. 4 issue of the New Yorker.

----------


## Laserlight

You get a history book dealing with the House of York and their battles in the War of the Roses.

I put in a maple syrup cheesecake.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a moose on a major sugar high.

I insert an army of 10,000 orcs.

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## TinyMushroom

You get 2500 4-orc adventurer parties. They all independently decided a 4-barbarian party is optimal, bless their hearts.

I insert the christmas spirit.

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## Korith

You get The Ghost of Easter Present, The Ghost of Thanksgiving Past and The Ghost of Halloween future, who visit you at night. What revelation this may lead to I'll never guess.

I insert 10,000 Chocolate coins and 600 barf bags.

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## SunderedWorldDM

You get a small plastic baggie of miniature stomach gummies.

I insert the color blue.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get the mutant alien berry they use in certain drinks as a, 'natural flavor.'

I insert all of my shame and frustration.

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## Bohandas

You get a holiday family gathering

I insert an old christmas tree

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## Korith

You get a voucher that lets you take Arbor day off work/school/etc.

I insert a bunch of fancy magic rings that whisper strange things to whoever wears them.

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## Dire Moose

You get nine creepy cloaked figures demanding to know where you got them.

I insert the vending machine into itself.

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## TinyMushroom

ERROR: stack overflow in Reality.objects[Vending Machine]
Aborting Process 0001: Material Plane, universe ran out of memory
No universes currently running. Deploying emergency maintenance measures.
Scanning logs for source of error... SUCCESS
Rewinding simulation to pre-failure state
Moving Actor #64697265206d6f6f7365: "Dire Moose" to quarantine zone UM3-55-3D-UP
Resuming Process 0001: Material Plane
ERROR: Incomplete transaction between Actor #64697265206d6f6f7365: "Dire Moose" and Vending machine unit. Must provide Actor #64697265206d6f6f7365: "Dire Moose" with arbitrary Concept or Commodity before moving on.
Scanning Actor #64697265206d6f6f7365: "Dire Moose"... detected Negative Emotional Spike
Deploying Saccharine Conciliatory Unit to quarantine zone UM3-55-3D-UP
*Spoiler: Report Attachment #1: Saccharine Conciliatory Unit*
Show



Transaction complete
Resuming Process 0001: Material Plane
Process resumed successfully!



I insert a full printer cartridge.

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## Korith

You get a ball of multicolored twine which quickly knits itself into a random garment when you speak the command word "Resserd" and returns itself to a ball when you say "Dniwnu"

I insert SCP-914 into the vending machine.

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## Bohandas

> I insert SCP-914 into the vending machine.


You get the Amityville Toaster

I insert a giant plastic novelty coin

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a giant plastic novelty candy bar.

I insert my grandmother.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get yourself.

I insert a piece of pink construction paper.

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## Samba Mentality

You get a very pretty, albeit green, construction paper snowflake. 

I insert Make Believe Heroes: an actual play, family friendly, 5th edition D&D podcast.

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## Korith

You get a Star Trek style replicator that can only replicate D&D minis. Also they disintegrate after 20 minutes.

I insert a bowtie and a fez.

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## Bohandas

> You get a Star Trek style replicator that can only replicate D&D minis. Also they disintegrate after 20 minutes.
> 
> I insert a bowtie and a fez.


You get a very large scarf

I insert a sack of potatos

----------


## Snowblaze

You get a small portion of fries. 

I insert a snowball and a staff of power.

----------


## Korith

You get *Frozen III: Olaf's Revenge*

I insert a nickel for every time someone invented a sequel title that never gets made.

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## AwesomeMan1323

You get approximately 10,000 dollars in pennies.

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## Bohandas

Reinserting the pennies, you get a copper statue of Abraham Lincoln

I insert some empty bottles and cans

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a $30 fine for deposit fraud.

I insert a distressingly long phone bill.

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## Woodzyowl

You get a distressingly long dial tone.

I insert a vial of toner.

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## TinyMushroom

You receive one (1) empty human skin. Upon closer examination it is very soft, well-maintained and moisturised.

I insert a baby beholder.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get several medical bills written in Gnomish.

I insert Canada.

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## Samba Mentality

You get 50% of Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, and Archie Mountbatten-Windsor respectively. 

I insert SCP-1981.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a new videotape that just kills you. No ghosts, no jump scares, no one-week waiting period, just instant death for all viewers.

I insert a carton of cigarettes.

----------


## Laughing Dog

You get somebody's lung cancer.

I insert Dr.Gunsforhands' spare lungs.What do you mean he doesn't have spare lungs?

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## Korith

You get 15,000 dry frozen sea cucumbers in a giant bucket.

I insert 1 pound of genuine saffron.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a hyperallergenic Pomeranian.

I insert migraine medication.

----------


## TinyMushroom

You get a strip of birth control pills.

I insert mickey mouse.

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## Dire Moose

You get a pair of annoyingly-familiar lawyers slapping you with a lawsuit from Disney.

I insert an equally-familiar pair of Flumphs.

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## Korith

You get an antique balance scale holding two weights, each precisely _pi_ grams in mass.

I insert two tickets to that thing you wanted to go to.

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## Samba Mentality

You get two gnome-sized t shirts with Lucky Chops logos. 

I insert I sheet of white, unlined paper, a bottle of black ink, and a calligraphy pen.

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## SunderedWorldDM

You get back the paper, with a design of your mother in a compromising position drawn with the very ink and quill you put in.

I insert a gold piece broken in half.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a few grams of gold dust.

I insert a 400-pound pumpkin.

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## Korith

You get a 400 pound Watermelon.

I insert a briefcase filled with super spy gear, including:
Exploding cufflinksA grappling hook tieA camera tie lapelRocket shoesAnti-hypnosis sun glassesA robot snake beltA keychain with a death ray

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## Woodzyowl

You get a bond. It doesn't specify what kind.

I insert a cooked frozen pizza.

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## SunderedWorldDM

You get a thermometer reading 0 Kelvin.

I insert a battered paperback version of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Lord of the Rings and/or Flies.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a bunch of sepia-tone paper swans. Some of them are bloodstained.

I insert a barrel of hair clippings from the local salon.

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## Korith

You get Cousin It, who squawks something indecipherable and wanders away.

I insert TPBM (the person below me).

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## Woodzyowl

You get a bottle of ghost pepper hot sauce. Not the spicy peppers. Ethereal peppers.

I insert a vinyl record of Boston by Boston.

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## Samba Mentality

You get a CD of John Denvers Greatest Hits (by John Denver). 

I insert a cellularly respirating bison.

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## Korith

*Spoiler: You get a note*
Show

That was delicious! Please send more!

-The Vending Machine Gnomes


Attached to the note is a Mysterious Token. You can tell it's Mysterious because it has the words "Mysterious Token" clearly printed on it.


I insert a Grue.

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## Dire Moose

You get barbecue sauce dumped all over you. Then the lights all go out, leaving you in darkness. And then you get several more Grues. Trust me, you dont want me to describe the next part.

I insert whatever is left of Korith.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a fresh new Korith! I guess he was still under warranty.

I insert a dirty coffee mug.

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## Samba Mentality

You get a dirty mug full of whole coffee beans. Upon closer inspection, they appear to be of a type completely foreign to any on this planet. 

I insert the mysterious token I received from the vending machine a couple turns back.

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## Korith

You get a mysterious Black SUV. You can tell it's mysterious because it has "Mysterious Black SUV" printed on both sides.

Inside there are eight vending machine gnomes with a wide array of fancy gadgets. "The moonlight pains the fickle maiden" says their leader. You can tell he's the leader because he's wearing dark shades that have "I'm the leader" written on the lenses. You're not sure how he sees through them.

I insert a hockey skate, a baseball bat, a basketball net and a soccer ball.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a bowling shoe, a Lacrosse stick, a volleyball net and a ping-pong ball.

I insert a pile of 20-year-old computer hardware.

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## Korith

> You get a bowling shoe, a Lacrosse stick, a volleyball net and a ping-pong ball.
> 
> I insert a pile of 20-year-old computer hardware.


You get a resurrected Giantitp.com forum.

I insert a pair of quantum entangled fermions.

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## Snowblaze

You get a wormhole too small to fit through.

I insert a stack of pancakes.

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## bored_acel

You get a textbook in a language unfamiliar to you.

I insert a USB cord, it seems there's plenty lying around these days.

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## Samba Mentality

You get an Apple 30-pin cord, which doesnt seem to be lying around much at all anymore. 

I insert a dollar.

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## Korith

You get a bag of chips.

I insert three one-gallon bags, each full of nickels.

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## SunderedWorldDM

You get so many recycled soda cans the weight nearly crushes you.

I insert a single onion cell.

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## SquirrellyOtter

You get a crying paramecium.  

I insert a VHS copy of Leonardo DiCaprio's Titanic, but it's missing the second cassette.

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## Samba Mentality

You get the top half of the Titanic, with the top half of Leonardo DiCaprio.

I insert the ice age baby.

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## SunderedWorldDM

You get back the hatred and ire of every vending machine gnome. Apparently the pure malice towards that darn baby transcends species.

I insert a melodica.

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## Korith

You get a song in your head. No method known to any sentient species can get it out, and for some reason it's impossible to play it on an instrument or even hum along with it.

I insert a tuning fork and an oscilloscope.

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## Grand Arbiter

You get a near-perfect replica of Hokusais _The Great Wave off Kanagawa_, signed in indecipherable gnomish.

I insert a jar of homemade pesto.

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## Korith

You get two tickets to Bob's Burgers LIVE!

I insert a feeling of Deja Vu into the Vending Machine




You get two tickets to Bob's Burgers LIVE!

I insert a feeling of Deja Vu into the Vending Machine

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## SunderedWorldDM

You get two tickets to Bob's Burgers LIVE!

I insert a feeling of Deja Vu into the Vending Machine

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

Welcome to Corneria!

I insert a sword.

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## Laughing Dog

You get a medical license.

I insert a dead man's chest.

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## Samba Mentality

You get a live mans chest, which seems to be fully sentient. You have an in-depth conversation with it about theology. 

I insert a mysterious black SUV.

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## Korith

You get an invoice for parking fees. Seems parking spaces inside the vending machine are rather pricey! But, oh, they came with a fancy Gnomish Travel Mug, so I guess that came out too!

I insert some inconvenient evidence alongside a briefcase filled with gold pieces and
*Spoiler: a note*
Show

Make sure that this never again sees the light of day.

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## Shoelessgdowar

You receive a dossier that incriminates you for election tampering, a crossbow with enchanted bolts that home in on you, and a letter thanking you for your services that will self-destruct and trigger the enchanted crossbow's autofire spell, signed by the Pig Rod wielding ton of lint collecting Hill Hag.


I insert an M'Kraan Crystal, a Siege Perilious, a Cosmic Cube, six Infinity Gems, an Eye of Agamotto, and the eight artifacts of the Octessence.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get 49 canteloupe-sized crystalline objects, coming in seven different shapes and seven different colors. None of them interest you at all.

I insert a box containing a parallel universe.

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## Korith

You get a box containing this universe.

_Don't sit on it!_

I insert 399 grams each of Adamanium, Carbonadium, Uru, and Vibranium.

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## Shoelessgdowar

> You get a box containing this universe.
> 
> _Don't sit on it!_
> 
> I insert 399 grams each of Adamanium, Carbonadium, Uru, and Vibranium.


You get a lump of indestructible, immalleable, and immovable metal that absorbs all vibrations, sound, energy, and life around it.

I insert a jalapeno on a stick.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a dollar on a string, covered with gasoline and on fire.

I insert a jar of strawberry jam.

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## Samba Mentality

You receive a jar of [REDACTED] jam. 

I insert a boggart.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get the thing you're most afraid of in the world, but for real this time.

I insert the seeds from inside these red grapes I bought.

----------


## Shoelessgdowar

You receive a handful of a dozen or so castor beans, rich in ricin.

I insert tab a into lot b.

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## Korith

You get a parking pass for Lot K, which is unfortunately on the underside of the building. And there's no garage door, entrance or exit. It's really sort of a mystery why they even built the thing, or how the cleaning crew we sent down there last week managed to get into it in the first place. Come to think of it, I don't think they ever managed to actually get out.

Oh, but where were we?

I insert plans for world domination into the Vending Machine.

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a series of work orders saying to install rows of new vending machines all across town. Weird.

I insert an unsorted box of plastic, paper and cardboard.

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## Shoelessgdowar

You get back the box which has now been sorted and now has a stamp for House Crumpledstuff.

I insert a dragon heartstring and 18 inches of Bamboo, very flexible.

----------


## Samba Mentality

You narrowly dodge an _Avada Kedavra_.

I insert.

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## Laughing Dog

You feel intense pain.   When you next look down you see that you are missing a chunk of your body.

I insert three gold pieces, 9 silver pieces and half-a-dozen copper pieces.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get three bottles of cola.

I insert a second-edition core rulebook.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a monstrous compendium with tanar-ri and baatezu, and a THAC0 table.

I insert the guns that the previous poster is using for hands.

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## Samba Mentality

You receive normal, human hands pointing finger guns at you. 

I insert orders to destroy this object immediately, along with the object, which looks looks like a rusty bolt. However, one can take off the head of the bolt to find a secret compartment inside containing [REDACTED].

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## Dr.Gunsforhands

The machine dutifully destroys the container and spits out the [REDACTED] directly into your face.

I insert a squid-flavored Kit-Kat bar.

----------


## Korith

You get snail flavored ice cream.

I inset a Ninja into the vending machine

----------


## Grand Arbiter

You get an angry-looking mask, with its samurai still attached.

I insert 1d3 hours of procrastination.

----------


## Bohandas

You get 1d4 hours of overtime

I insert toilet paper

----------


## Korith

You get stampeded by a legion of toilet paper seekers.

I insert a clove of garlic into the vending machine.

----------


## Bohandas

You get Wario

I insert Six Golden Coins into the vending machine

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get three bottles of diet cola.

I insert a pot of steamed carrots.

----------


## Grand Arbiter

You get a pot of creamed corn.


I insert an invocation to the dice gods.

----------


## Korith

You get a 14. Hopefully that's good enough.

I insert the hopes and dreams of a generation into the vending machine. The generation that lived around 5200 BCE, to be precise.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get $1. The transaction is not as dramatic as you might have imagined.

I insert a 12.4 kg bar of gold!

----------


## Samba Mentality

You receive roughly 610,000 bags of chips. 

I insert a lime and sausage muffin.

----------


## SunderedWorldDM

You get a vending gnome with food poisoning. I mean, seriously, lime and sausage?!

I insert a whisk and a plunger.

----------


## Laughing Dog

You get a cake and Mario.

I insert three bottles of moonshine.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a pocket full of sunshine!

I insert a dragon egg.

----------


## Korith

You get a rampaging Tarrasque with a pink collar and a Huge tag that reads "Fifi"

I insert a fully charged Wand of _Remove Disease_ into the Vending Machine.

----------


## bug_sniper

There are absolutely no pathogens in the vending machine anymore. You get a wand of remove disease with 1 charge fewer.

I insert this:

*Spoiler*
Show

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## Samba Mentality

You get 16 sandwiches with an ambiguous *cough cough* lunch meat in the middles. 

I insert my sister.

----------


## SunderedWorldDM

She gets stuck underneath a black leather couch just as a pizza guy comes to fix the plumbing.

I insert a wooden octagon.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a hexagonal wooden soda bottle.

I insert a whole thing of candy beans.

----------


## Forevaxp

You get a giant jellybean beanstalk

I insert a set of Tinkers tools

----------


## EricAlvin

You get the components of a deconstructed vending machine.


I insert a globe.

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## Samba Mentality

You get a complete list of all modern nations names, capitals, and past and president leaders, sub-leaders, members of government, policies, and maps. It all amounts to a very hefty stack of paper which takes 4d4 hours for the vending machine to expel. 

I insert a Starbucks breakfast sandwich.

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## Asmotherion

> You get a complete list of all modern nations names, capitals, and past and president leaders, sub-leaders, members of government, policies, and maps. It all amounts to a very hefty stack of paper which takes 4d4 hours for the vending machine to expel. 
> 
> I insert a Starbucks breakfast sandwich.


You get a rose beef and potato chips.

I insert a fine rolled Cigar.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a bag of cane sugar.

I insert an uncursed VHS tape.

----------


## Samba Mentality

You receive an... ambiguous VHS tape. 

I insert a pair of sunglasses with I AM THE LEADER painted across the front.

----------


## inuyasha

You get a blue plastic crown and a pair of Scuba goggles

I insert my flash drive full of D&D notes, NPCs, adventures, etc.

----------


## tazbot

You get a message: "Error. Please remove and re-insert floppy disk."

I insert Captain America's shield and a piece of kryptonite.

----------


## Laughing Dog

You get a batarang.

I insert a cat, a bat, a bird, and an elderly british assassin-turned-butler.

----------


## cheshirewolff

You get a really good young adult novel called "Catsassins."  The cat is the main character, and the butler is his mentor.

I insert a sourdough starter.

----------


## Samba Mentality

You get a sourdough ender, a tool for those who hate sourdough. 

I insert a piece of collectively painted street art.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a picture of a street painted on the side of a Borg cube.

I insert a truckload of empty milk jugs.

----------


## SunderedWorldDM

You get a music box that plays "99 bottles of milk on the wall" on loop forever. The music will outlast you, and everything you love. I hope you're happy.

I insert a (d5+d7)/(d13).

----------


## Odentin

You get an annoyed statistician.

I insert precisely 17 qbits.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a complex calculation that's way off because they don't know how to get quantum computers to do error handling properly.

I insert a tank of solid nitrogen. You heard me.

----------


## Samba Mentality

You get some severed, frozen-solid gnome fingers. 

I insert a Lamborghini Countach.

----------


## farothel

You get Jeremy Clarkson.

I insert Captain America.

----------


## Lacco

You get a thank-you letter and cake from the gnomesses.

I insert a walrus sandwich (a slightly confused walrus with two pieces of bread stuck to his sides).

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a small donut folded into a mustache.

I insert a plushie sheep!

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a woolly hat.

I insert a woolly mammoth.

----------


## farothel

You get a woolly hat, sweater, pants, coat, mittens and cape, all size XXXL.

I insert a syringe.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get tetanus.

I insert bacon.

----------


## Forevaxp

You get a toaster with untoasted bagels inside of it.

I insert a set of plain pink Chessex dice

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a checkerboard sex toy in mint condition.

I insert the previous poster.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get me!

I insert a foil Charizard.

----------


## Samba Mentality

You get a real Charizard, and are promptly incinerated. 

I insert a bowl of Grape Nuts.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a propeller beanie as a prize for finally sending in enough UPCs. It still wont let you fly though, regardless of what you told your stuffed tiger.

I insert a copy of Super Mario Kart.

----------


## tazbot

You get a red turtle shell, which promptly knocks you to the ground.

I insert a SNES controller.

----------


## Odentin

You receive a SEGA Genesis.

I insert a gold ring.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a white pellet.

I insert a censor bar.

----------


## Captain_Fancy

You get an image that is mostly flesh tone mosaic.

I insert a chocolate digestive biscuit

----------


## tazbot

You get a bunch of ants with healthy guts.


I insert an AC remote control.

----------


## Laughing Dog

You get it back with a note taped to it.  The note reads: Give us the A/C unit as well next time.

I insert a cat, an oven, an elf, and three crates of whiskey.

----------


## Samba Mentality

You get a dog, a stove, a dwarf, andwait! Wheres the rum gone?

I insert the May 18, 2020 issue of the New Yorker.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get homemade ventilators.

I insert the big end of a phone charger. The small end is connected to my phone.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You download the vending machine's transaction history.

I insert fifteen pineapple pizzas.

----------


## tazbot

You get fifteen mango sandwiches.


I insert five $1 coins from five different currencies.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a five-dollar bill.

I insert a Stellers Sea Cow.

----------


## el minster

You get a duogong
I insert a tommy guh

----------


## Lacco

> You get a duogong
> I insert a tommy guh


You get a self-propelled 155mm Howitzer model 2000 "Zuzana".

I insert an Insert key.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a cheap hotel room full of cockroaches.

I insert a Great White Shark.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a registered nurse who makes predatory loans on the side. She also has way too many teeth.

I insert a two-bladed lightsaber.

----------


## Bohandas

You get both halves of Darth Maul

I insert a dictionary

----------


## Lacco

> I insert a dictionary


You get two halves of a dictionary back, and an apology card. It seems something got stuck.

I insert a well-lubricated bowling ball.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get your ball back. I guess the gnomes couldn't get a good grip on it...

I insert a belt sander.

----------


## Samba Mentality

You get some very smooth vending machine gnomes. 

I insert 445.024 trillion cookies.

----------


## tazbot

You get some very obese vending machine gnomes.

I insert insulin shots.

----------


## Odentin

You receive a 5000 mL IV bag of glucose.

I insert Bachelor Chow.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a puppy!

I insert an empty brass urn.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a cremated gnome.

I insert a giant in the playground.

----------


## Lacco

You get the Big Footprint.

I insert a whisper of the name of the fel that is coloured red. Three times.

----------


## Odentin

The vending machine bucks and shakes and rattles. Horrendous noises emanate from within. The process takes 17 times as long as normal. But in the end, a year's supply of questionable-looking meat is provided, along with a note that says, "We kept the rest for ourselves, as payment for our trouble. Jerk."

I insert a Rare Candy.

----------


## farothel

You get the latest edition of Candy Crush

I insert a Discworld book.

----------


## tazbot

The Reaper sticks its head from the vending machine: "EXCUSE ME, DO YOU MIND IF I BORROW THIS BOOK FOR A FEW DAYS?"


I insert a turtle with four plastic elephants glued on top of its shell. The elephants have a snow globe glued to their backs.

----------


## Lacco

You get a black knight.

I insert a faulty flux capacitor, a freshly knitted sock and two cherries.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a cherry scented explosion and a shattered vending machine.

While waiting for a replacement to arrive, I insert a power cord into a nearby fax machine.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

The machine pulls in the cord and transmits an image of it to the Gnomish Vending Company. Sensing that something is up, they send someone out to check on it and the machine is fixed in no time!

I insert a scratched country CD.

----------


## Odentin

You get a thoroughly battered and scarred country singer.

I insert an empty soda bottle.

----------


## Laughing Dog

You get a nickel.

I insert half of a cat,  a third of a dog, and a sixth of a horse.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

A display on the vending machine shows 0.167 as the remaining amount due.

I guess I'll finish it? I insert one twelfth of a human (my old fleshy hands that I don't need) and one twelfth of a vole (a chunk of leg that I found in a swimming pool once).

----------


## 5a Violista

You get a receipt thanking you for your donation
And a free gift of soylent green


I insert a right sock (coral colored)

----------


## Samba Mentality

You get socked right in the face (coral colored boxing glove)

I insert a basketball with the outer layer meticulously peeled off.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a rubber baby buggy bumper.

I insert a dozen orange peels.

----------


## Lacco

You get a small handwritten note in strange language. There is a stamp of a bee on it.

I insert the vial with Snape's memories.

----------


## farothel

You get a book full of snarky comments.

I insert a vial of Corona virus.

----------


## Odentin

You receive a vaccine for Spanish Flu.

I insert a dodo bird.

----------


## Laughing Dog

You get an omelet.

I insert a questionnaire.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get an answerraire.

I insert a black box.

----------


## farothel

You get a bunch of graph charts on engine performance and what the pilots were saying during the flight.

I insert my plane tickets.

----------


## tazbot

You get a request for a recent corona virus test with negative results.


I insert my index finger.

----------


## Odentin

You receive the index section of an orthopedics textbook.

I insert a can of energy drink.

----------


## Lacco

You get a monster in a flask. It's not really happy.

I insert Pavlov's dog.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

A bell rings and you get a treat!

I insert a broken air conditioner.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get an ice elemental in a cage with a note that reads, Best we could do.

I insert my dog.

----------


## Odentin

You get your dog back, along with another dog. Every dog deserves a friend.

I insert The Giant.

----------


## Lacco

You get a photo of the Big Footprint with a handwritten note: "Sorry. Had only one. Already gave it to the bug_sniper."

I insert a cowboy hat, one smoked salmon and two pieces of candy.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get 2 cowboy gummy bears containing K-gelatin.

I insert a hippovirus.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get an angry hippopotamus.

I insert a swarm of killer bees.

----------


## tazbot

You get a pot of killer honey.



I insert my life's savings, all four dollars and twelve cents of it.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get it all back, with an extra penny added to make it an, 'even,' 4.13.

I insert a vending machine full of little toy capsules.

----------


## tazbot

You get a toy capsule with a miniature vending machine in it.


I insert a miniature $4.13 coin.

----------


## Bucky

You get a Stella, a three-cent nickel and a dime.

I insert a twenty-cent piece.

----------


## Korith

You get two hundred pennies, each the size of a small car.

I insert a running gingerbread man army and a +2 baked-goods-bane shortsword into the vending machine.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get the Stinky Cheese Man!

I insert a +5 battleaxe of Kill Anything In One Hit.

----------


## Odentin

You receive a pile of dead gnomes and a tear in the spacetime continuum.

I insert Albert Einstein's preserved brain.

----------


## tazbot

You get a manuscript of the Pickled Theory of Relativity.


I insert a set of Scrabble tiles, with all the E's removed.

----------


## farothel

You get an Aardvark on a tripple word score.

I insert a rebreather.

----------


## 5a Violista

You get a snorkel.

I insert vampire blood in a styrofoam cup

----------


## ~Corvus~

The machine buzzes and whirs for nearly a minute; it's long enough for you wonder if it would actually _work_ or if the cursed blood of a pseudo-demon has broken it. At the end of your wait, a jewel CD case for Nocturne plops down out of the vending machine.

I insert a spare copy I have of the graphic novel series SAGA, Volume 1.

----------


## Lacco

Nothing comes out for some time. After some time, an envelope full of various banknotes and a handwritten note "Volume 2, plz?" come out.

I insert a regular garden gnome. And irregular garden gnome. And a recursive garden gnome, just to be sure.

----------


## Dire Moose

Boss battle music starts playing, and you are now facing the Ultimate Garden Gnome.

I insert my cat.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get Ironsmith's cat.

I insert water that is not wet, for some reason.

----------


## tazbot

You get a bucket of dry ice

I insert the blood and sweat I poured into beating Zelda BotW

----------


## ~Corvus~

Out tumbles a small glass vial. It has Hiragana and Kanji characters, and below it is a small label in English. It reads "Tears and sweat of game developers for this game."

I insert a small monitor for an old DELL computer.

----------


## Odentin

You receive the next generation of chromebook.

I insert my desk fan.

----------


## Lacco

You get a confused gnome in white T-shirt that says "#1 Fan of Odentin's Desk!". He holds a miniature model of your desk, on which stands something resembling a miniature gnome holding something rather small...

I insert a half of cucumber, pack of 10 years old ravioli and toothpaste (children's, strawberry-flavoured).

----------


## ~Corvus~

Out pops a McDonald's Hamburger. It is warm, and it has a little tag that declares its age to be 52 years old "but still delicious!"

I insert an authenticator app.

----------


## Dire Moose

You realize you were actually a robot the entire time.

I insert a severed head.

----------


## farothel

You get an autopsy report.

I insert a toy car.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a toy for your real car to play with.

I insert a bucket of dead batteries.

----------


## ~Corvus~

The Vending Machine returns a bucket of sand from the Chilean Desert.

I insert several wrinkled office forms and slips of paper.

----------


## Odentin

You receive a stiff, upright office worker.

I insert a set of studio headphones and microphone.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a live stream where someone unboxes them and pretends to appreciate it.

I insert a binder full of childhood doodles of cats.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a binder full of actual cats. They arent very happy and they hiss at you as they claw your face off.

I insert a Blue Whale.

----------


## Lacco

You get a lifetime supply of soap.

I insert two pieces of orichalcum.

----------


## farothel

You get a daiklave.

I insert a yellow jersey from the tour de france.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a failed blood test.

I insert a kilo of plastic explosives.

----------


## Odentin

You receive an injection-molded plastic building toy, and some silly putty.

I insert a shark plushie.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a live Great White Shark. Nom nom nom.

I insert my car.

----------


## paddyfool

Two weeks later, you get back the same car with a few thousand miles more on the clock and some photographs of gnomes on a road trip. The gas tank is full and it's been cleaned and serviced; however there's also a contraption attached to help them work the pedals.

I insert my bicycle.

----------


## farothel

You get back the Yellow jersey from the Tour de France.

I re-insert the yellow jersey.

----------


## Odentin

You get the same failed blood test again. The exact same one. Don't worry about the paradox of having 2 too much.

I insert a Tesla battery bank.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a big box of poor-quality mass-produced versions of it, labeled Edison Battery Bank.

I insert a heavy metal album

----------


## paddyfool

You get a "Best Disney Songs" compilation cd back. When played, however, it turns out to actually be a Black Sabbath album that's been mislabelled. The children's hospital you donated it to were unamused.

I insert a DVD of "snow white".

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

The gnomes give you a detailed essay about the problematic history of stout metahumans in media.

I insert a notarized request for a dog.

----------


## Lacco

> The gnomes give you a detailed essay about the problematic history of stout metahumans in media.
> 
> I insert a notarized request for a dog.


You get six packs of "Dehydrated Dog Formula", marked "Clone 1" to "Clone 6". The packages state they come from somewhere called "Alpha Complex, R&D Department".

I insert a my collection of spare parts from Ikea furniture in a large box.

----------


## Odentin

You receive a LEGO kit for a life-sized IKEA store, complete with functional showroom.

I insert a dreamcatcher.

----------


## paddyfool

The machine spits out an irritated nightgaunt that tickles you mercilessly before beginning the long journey home to unknown Kadath.

I insert an HP Lovecraft novel.

----------


## farothel

Hastur comes out, after having eaten all the vending machine gnomes who accidentally summoned him.

I insert new vending maching gnomes.

----------


## tazbot

The machine spits out the HP Lovecraft novel, which bonks you on the head.

I insert (nearly) the whole Harry Potter series, with the second half of the last book missing.

----------


## Odentin

You receive a completely rewritten final book with information that retcons the entire story and adds a ton of false inclusivity and tokenism, while simultaneously invalidating minority voices. 

I insert a gift basket full of snacks for the gnomes.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a big chocolate gnome full of gummi baskets to snack on.

I insert a bottle of red wine.

----------


## ~Corvus~

Finally, a gnome falls out. His beard is full of snack crumbs and he's rather drunk from the red wine. He looks askance at the machine, and bangs on it with his fist while shouting in gnomish.

I could have inserted this fabulous houseplant that I'd brought to the gnomish vending machine, but instead I re-insert the drunk, snack-filled gnome.

----------


## paddyfool

No good deed goes unpunished. The machine spits out the drunk gnome's vomit. Pity you had your mouth open at the time.

I insert an alcoholics anonymous brochure.

----------


## farothel

You get an ingot of Anodized Aluminium (AA).

I insert a car battery.

----------


## Lacco

You get a really battered toy car.

I insert a gnome driver.

----------


## The Outsider

You get a gnome-sized golf club.

I insert 12 cubic feet of grass and sod.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a shrinking potion and an invitation to a round of "gnome mad crazy golf".

I insert an RSVP to say yes on The Outsider's behalf.

----------


## Odentin

You receive an identity validation error, along with an error code that takes up a whole ream of paper. It takes forever to print out, too. Are they using a dot matrix printer?

I insert a water bottle filled with vodka.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a gnome who is drunk for no apparent reason.

I insert a doomsday device.

----------


## ~Corvus~

Out pops an movie reel labeled THE TERMINATOR - 1984. Also, the book 1984 drops out, only to be snatched back up by a gnome hand.

I insert a huge box of extra tea bags neither I nor my family will ever drink.

----------


## The Outsider

You receive twelve old, slightly chipped porcelain teacups, as well as a tarnished copper teapot.

I insert my boxed set of Pauly Shore movies.

----------


## Odentin

You get an autographed copy of The Room.

I insert a crystal chandelier.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get ballroom dance lessons.

I insert a tie-dye T-shirt.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a fat spliff

I insert a prescription for blood pressure tablets

----------


## Odentin

You receive a super soaker full of blood.

I insert the rest of Dr.Gunsforhands' ammunition.

----------


## Lacco

You get a magazine called "Well-rested". A travel magazine that describes all inns in Skyrim. The editorial comes from certain doctor and contains only word "*Click*" written across the page.

I insert an old nintendo. The cartridge slot contains a casette with Decathlon (for Atari) game.

----------


## ~Corvus~

You receive a note that reads: *Spoiler*
Show

Come back tomorrow and insert this note.
ATR -Decathlon
1198jhvgy65e



I insert several used facemasks found on a hiking trail.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get COVID.

I insert a bean of coffee.

----------


## farothel

You get a gnome sized cup of espresso.

I insert a COVID Vaccine.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a short treatise on the biological distinctiveness of gnomes and humans, and the simultaneous lack of threat posed to them by human diseases and potential toxicity to them of human medicines.

I insert a request for mass production of said vaccine.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a church staffed by researchers and equipped with pharmaceutical materials.

I insert a peanut butter and jelly toast.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get some tea and oranges.

I insert the ATR - Decathlon note that Corvus made for lacco36 yesterday.

----------


## ~Corvus~

> I insert the ATR - Decathlon note that Corvus made for lacco36 yesterday.


Out comes an oversized box of broken videogame controllers, snapped joysticks, and an 8-bit track tape that, if played, gives the sounds of sibilant wails of frustrated gnomes.

I insert a bottle of 1989 Dom Perignon.

----------


## Laughing Dog

A small purple gem comes out.  It fills you with existential dread.

I insert a miniature blue police box that contains a small purple gem inside of it.

----------


## Pex

You get the fez and bowtie someone inserted awhile ago.

I insert a bag of chips.

----------


## farothel

You get a bottle of good Belgian beer that goes perfectly with those chips.

I insert the empty beer bottle.

----------


## Odentin

You get beer cheese sauce without any container to hold it in.

I insert soft pretzels.

*Spoiler: Edit*
Show

Now I'm hungry.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a frozen cola.

I insert a gallon of olive oil.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a statue of Athena.

I insert a bottle of retsina

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a miniature replica of the Parthenon.

I insert an unlucky broken mirror.

----------


## paddyfool

You receive a high velocity horseshoe wrapped in four leaf clover and tied to a rabbit's foot. So high velocity, in fact, that you break a leg. 

I insert a crutch.

----------


## The Outsider

You receive a small, gnome-sized cast with a bunch of signatures on it.

I insert a duffel bag full of cocaine.

----------


## ~Corvus~

The vending machine spends the next 13 minutes churning out red DANGER tape. It then belches out a huge gout of black smoke. A small note floats into your hand:
*Spoiler: note*
Show

Please don't insert that stuff again. It's bad for morale.


I insert a painting of a pink-tinted lotus.

----------


## farothel

You get a ticket to the opening nocturn of an art gallery for that artist.

I insert a full set of scuba equipment.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a speargun and a shark's head trophy.

I insert a hunting rifle.

----------


## Pex

You get a plastic cork with a string attached.

I insert the Encyclopedia Britannica.

----------


## farothel

You get an Aardvark.

I insert a Seaking helicopter.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a fish-type pokemon flying through the air with propeller fins.

I insert a housefly.

----------


## ~Corvus~

Out plops a pebble-sized house with small mechanical wings that allow it to hover.

I insert the crossword from a newspaper.

----------


## Odentin

You get the answer key to a completely different crossword puzzle.

I insert a key for a warded lock that I do not own.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a completely different warded lock without a key. 

I insert a set of lockpicks

----------


## The Outsider

You receive a set of opened locks, covered in tool markings.

I insert a miniature giant space hamster.

----------


## ~Corvus~

You receive a hollow tree stump.

I insert the drawing of a Chuul.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a copy of its latest album, Chuul Kidz on da Block.

I insert a Deck of Many Things.

----------


## paddyfool

You receive an "Idiot" card and lose 1d4+1 Int. It reads "Idiot! This deck is a death trap."

I insert a ballot box

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a series of forms documenting that the vending machine is now an official polling place.

I insert a horned helmet!

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I insert a horned helmet!


You get a hornet from Hell name Mitt.

I insert a vending machine into the vending machine.

----------


## The Outsider

You receive a vending machine from the vending machine, which is in turn stocked with nothing but vending machines.

I insert a bucket of steam.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a bucket of ice

I insert a bucket of dry ice

----------


## Odentin

You receive a fog machine.

i insert a case of Monster Energy Drink.

----------


## Pex

You get the Kool-Aid Man busting through the wall.

I insert a narwhal

----------


## The Outsider

You receive a rhinoceros in a swimming pool.

I insert a pound of bricks.

----------


## paddyfool

You get 4 brick walls. (Good luck getting out). 

I insert a doorknob.

----------


## bug_sniper

The vending machine opens, letting us walk in.

 I walk in and insert myself.

----------


## Odentin

You are charged with inappropriate insertion and receive a subpoena.

I insert my 2020 US Election ballot.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a small, life-like doll of your candidate of choice. Strangely, it has thirteen pins sticking into it.

I insert a dried fish.

----------


## The Outsider

You receive a plate of dehydrated sashimi.

I insert a large chunk of Fool's Gold.

----------


## Isocahedron

You get an equal amount of Gold-170.

I insert a phone book.

----------


## Odentin

You receive a palm pilot. The memory is filled with contacts that you suspect may be fae in origin.

I insert a water cooler filled with vodka.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a giant vodka bottle filled with water.

I insert a garden gnomes catalogue...

----------


## Dire Moose

You get an army of garden gnomes with machine guns. You end up resembling a very bloody piece of Swiss cheese.

I insert a copy of the original _Donkey Kong_ arcade game.

----------


## Isocahedron

You get a hammer, equal in size to the Donkey Kong hammer on an arcade screen.

I insert a 5-volt lithium-ion battery

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a prototype lithium-prion battery. It's very efficient and packs a punch but also gives you mad cow disease.

I insert a plush giraffe!

----------


## Odentin

You receive a live giraffe with IMMACULATELY soft fur.

I insert a tape measure.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get yanked back by a lasso of tape, and get taped to the vending machine.

I insert the vending machine, with Odentin attached, into another vending machine.

----------


## paddyfool

You get two Odentin's back, each claiming the other is a gnome-manufactured clone.

I insert a copy of Terry pratchett's bromeliad trilogy.

----------


## Dire Moose

YOU GET DEATH, WHO HAS COME FOR YOUR SOUL. AND COOKIES; HE HASNT HAD THOSE IN FOREVER.

I insert my cat.

----------


## farothel

You get a link to a Youtube video with your cat doing all kinds of weird stuff.

I insert a thanksgiving turkey with all the bells and whistles.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get three footballs, a gong and a bicycle horn.

I insert a box of choco-bees.

----------


## The Outsider

You receive a nest of Giant Vanilla Hornets.

I insert a Guy Fawkes mask.

----------


## Odentin

You receive a barrel of homemade black powder fitted with a fuse, and a single match.

I climb into the vending machine, dragging my gnome-manufactured clone with me.

----------


## paddyfool

Four Odentins emerge. One is a cyborg, one is younger than he should be, one is a robot, and one is of a different skin colour to the original.

I insert a superman comic.

----------


## ~Corvus~

Out plops a nugget of Kryptonite.

I insert a book of Dianetics.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a DVD full of musicals where the song and dance numbers are all explained in-story. Did they misread the book cover...?

I insert a sweat-drenched hoodie.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a pair of freshly-cleaned sweatpants and a dry cleaning bill for $10.

I insert an Android tablet with a cracked screen.

----------


## The Outsider

You receive a small figurine of Lt Cdr Data with its arm broken off.

I insert the entirety of my life's savings.

----------


## paddyfool

You get the original Odentin back with a receipt for his ransom. He proceeds to get into a fight with his cyborg doppelganger.

I insert a lawnmower.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get an extremely deadly ceiling fan.

I insert a pigeon stomach.

----------


## farothel

You get a small metal tube with inside a note that reads: attack tomorrow at dawn, Napoleon.

I insert my old TV set.

----------


## Odentin

You receive a vintage gaming console.

I insert a lottery ticket for a past drawing. It didn't have the winning numbers.

----------


## The Outsider

You receive a scratch-off ticket that almost has the winning numbers, but not quite.

I insert a dating sim.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get set up on a date with my spoiled controlling drama queen of an ex-girlfriend.

I insert a lawnmower.

----------


## Velaryon

You get paddyfool's lawnmower.

I insert a pair of pruning shears.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a rake that you can gather your clippings with.

I insert a pickaxe.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a throwing axe

I insert some dynamite.

----------


## The Outsider

You receive an equal measure of C4.

I insert a blasting cap and plunger.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a pile of plunger shrapnel.

I insert a foil.

----------


## ~Corvus~

Out tumble three dolls with medieval-style clothing. They each have a tag, labeling them as "Laertes", "Ophelia" and "Fortinbras".


I insert the notes for a long-since completed RP session.

----------


## paddyfool

You get an old character sheet for a gnomish artificer. 

I insert a bag of dice.

----------


## Kerching

You get a Vegas slot machine.

I insert Elon Musk.

----------


## Velaryon

You get EpicLloyd dressed as Elon Musk (from the Elon Musk vs. Mark Zuckerberg Epic Rap Battle)

I insert Mark Zuckerberg.

----------


## farothel

You get a 50 Tb data file of a lot of people's personal data.

I insert a katana.

----------


## The Outsider

You receive a piece of original fiction about a gnome who dual-wields katanas and is the best fighter ever. It's alarmingly bad.

I insert the blueprints for a gnome-powered vending machine.

----------


## Odentin

You receive a vending machine that appears to be your normal, everyday soda vending machine.

I insert a Spotify playlist.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a dusty old phonograph cylinder.

I insert a ukelele.

----------


## Velaryon

You receive a signed copy of Israel Kamakawiwoʻole's greatest hits.

I insert my crutches.

----------


## The Outsider

You receive a cast signed by a large group of gnomes.

I insert a copy of Thus Spoke Zarathustra.

----------


## ~Corvus~

You get a ton of prosthetic legs with silly random socks.


I insert one fluffy albino squirrel stuffy-doll.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a bunch of very energetic live squirrels that tear all over your house and destroy all your stuff.

I insert a Gelatinous Cube.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a box of holiday gelatin molds. Much more interesting than cubes!

I insert a series of _Star Trek_ coffee mugs.

----------


## The Outsider

You get a miniature version of James Kirk who moves and acts like he's had way too much caffeine.

I insert a set of loaded dice.

----------


## Korith

You get a loaded slot machine.

I insert the Kobold Mafia into the vending machine.

----------


## ~Corvus~

Out tumbles a Young Black Dragon who claims she is the Donna of this mafia and demands you show her respect.

I'll inert a painting of happy trees made by a pleasant, kindly veteran.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a painting of raging barbarians made by an evil murderous Treant.

I insert Cthulhu.

----------


## Odentin

Unearthly noises and light emanate from the machine as it bucks and jumps and rocks. For nearly an hour, you wonder if the thing might legitimately tear itself apart. And then the noise and commotion stops.

You receive the [Scepter of the False Prophet] and a bento filled with sushi that is simultaneously the most delicious thing you've ever tasted and makes you want to retch with every bite.

I insert my old World of Warcraft account.

----------


## Velaryon

You receive an Overwatch account with ~65% of the limited event skins, poses, etc. unlocked.

I insert Stone Cold Steve Austin.

----------


## paddyfool

You receive a set of wrestler's Spandex in your size, a cape and a luchador mask.

I insert a dementor

----------


## The Outsider

You receive the soulless husk of a gnome.

I insert said husk.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a gnomish golem. A gnolem?

I insert my dad.

----------


## Korith

You get your step dad. Which is your dad, but turned into stone after having been posed as a decorative staircase.

I insert an Alex Trebek bobblehead into the vending machine.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a Sean Connery toy with a pull string, that says bawdy insults when the string is pulled.

I insert the complete works of Alan Moore.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I insert the complete works of Alan Moore.


A giant squid monster, a Guy Fawkes mask, and an unconscious Allan Quatermain come out.

I insert the best and worst issues of Spider-Man.

----------


## Cicciograna

> A giant squid monster, a Guy Fawkes mask, and an unconscious Allan Quatermain come out.
> 
> I insert the best and worst issues of Spider-Man.


You get a sexy picture of Steve Ditko, autographed.

I insert a sexy picture of Stan Lee, NOT autographed.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a vintage Spider-Man comic, autographed

I insert the worlds most venomous spider.

----------


## The Outsider

You hear screaming and gnomish curses from inside the machine, followed by loud banging and what sounds like a flamethrower. A minute later, a small pile of ash is deposited outside the machine, along with a note that simply reads  :Small Furious: 

I insert my d24.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I insert my d24.


Gary Gygax's reanimated corpse comes out and yells at you not to use a die with that many sides.

I insert a VHS copy of Mystery Men.

----------


## Pex

You get a bowling ball that turns invisible when no one looks at it.

I insert a sock.

----------


## ~Corvus~

Out floats a coupon for new socks at the local Gnome market.

I insert a bottle of fine whisky.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I insert a bottle of fine whisky.


You get a flash drive containing video files for every PSA against alcohol ever made.

I insert a bigger vending machine into the vending machine.

----------


## Velaryon

You receive a non-Euclidian can of soda, which somehow has all the pop on the outside of the can.

I insert the concept of geometry.

----------


## Korith

You get a bottle of distilled gnosis. Don't know what it is? Drink it and you'll find out.

I insert:
Twelve Balors BeltingEleven Quasits QuiltingTen Hezrous HuntingNine Marilith's MarchingEight Retrievers RunningSeven Vrocks VamoosingSix Dretches DreadingFive SuccubiFour BebilithsThree BugbearsTwo EttercapsAnd an Ancient Red Dragon


into the vending machine

----------


## The Outsider

Out pops Graz'zt in a festive hat and Santa outfit, looking highly confused.

I insert fifteen cents, a nail, and the shell of a great-great-great grandfather snail into the machine.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

15% of a really, really old snail crawls out of the machine slowly, dragged down by nails. It's mostly intestines and bones, and is as creepy as it sounds.

I insert a tiny vending machine into a vending machine into a vending machine, which I than insert into this vending machine.

----------


## farothel

You get a t-shirt with a nice Mandelbrot pattern on it.

I insert a Ticondorega class cruiser.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a game of Battleship.

I insert a donkey.

----------


## Korith

You get Gordon Ramsay, who's looking rather confused.

I insert a pair of Pikachu socks into the vending machine.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a pair of Raichu feet. Not connected to the rest of a Raichu.

I insert the vending machine's own power cord.

----------


## The Outsider

You receive a boa constrictor busily engaged in eating its own tail.

I insert a "Kick Me" sign.

----------


## paddyfool

You receive an old gnome-sized boot at high velocity. 

I insert a gift-wrapped pair of gnome-sized socks.

----------


## Korith

You receive a gift basket containing

A box of chicken stock
A shiny purple rock
A chocolate chicken flock
A dolly that can talk
A door knocker that can knock
Self-charging jumper cables that shock
A solid gold statue of a hawk

I insert conclusive written evidence that gnomes are ficticious creatures into the vending machine.

----------


## farothel

You get the sound of disappearing gnomes.

I write a counter thesis confirming the existence of gnomes and put it into the machine.

----------


## Odentin

You receive two copies of a thesis on the Burden of Proof, one of which is addressed to Korith.

I insert Simon Whistler.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get Simons Cat, who annoys you until you give him food.

I insert a penguin with a machine gun.

----------


## The Outsider

You receive a tuxedo-clad mobster who smells strongly of fish.

I insert a piggy bank shaped like a dinosaur.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a round, jingling T-Rex plushie.

I insert a broken refrigerator and try not to think about how its as big as the vending machine itself.

----------


## Korith

You get an invoice for junk removal with a business card attached.

*Gnome B Quick Junk Removal
Vending Machine*
555-555-7890
[email protected]
Nobody's as quick as Gnome B Quick!
I PREPARED EXPLOSIVE RUNES TODAY

I insert the mangled corpse of whoever highlighted the off-white text first.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I insert the mangled corpse of whoever highlighted the off-white text first.


You get a reanimated copse that scolds you for overusing this joke.

I insert a VHS copy of _The Silence of the Lambs_ signed by Sir Anthony Hopkins.

----------


## ~Corvus~

Out falls a to-go container of pork-belly soup. Well it's probably pork. You never know.

I insert an infinitely-regenerating magical celery stick.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a dozen infinitely-regenerating magical celery sticks.

I insert an oil can.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a pair of ruby slippers and a note on 'How to Lubricate Your Heartless Robot's Heart'.

I insert a miniature house into the vending machine from above at high velocity.

----------


## Armonia13

You receive a miniature dead witch and a Kansas girl.

I insert another Wizard of Oz reference

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a marching column of soldiers holding up spears and a container of Oreo cookies. 

I throw a bucket of water into the vending machine.

----------


## Armonia13

The vending machine melts. A random dwarf drops a new one with extra buttons in the puddle then leaves.

I insert a radioactive spider and 20 lbs of pork

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a crocodile wrapped in spider webs and a cool red spider-y suit.

I insert an application to join the Avengers.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a rejection letter. :<

I insert a keyboard where all the letters have worn off from use.

----------


## paddyfool

You get it back with each key labelled with an arcane symbol, along with a short primer on summoning circles.

I insert a bouncy rubber ball.

----------


## Odentin

You receive a glob of Flubber.

I insert a vial of Compound V.

----------


## Armonia13

You get a beaker of Chemical X

I insert sugar, spice, and everything nice

----------


## paddyfool

You get slugs, snails and puppy dogs' tails.

I insert an irate dog owner.

----------


## The Outsider

You get a crazy cat lady.

I insert a herd of cats.

----------


## Armonia13

You get a Congress of Baboons

I insert a hastily scribbled score of "Joy to the World"

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You misspelled come. You get a robe with gross stains on it to commemorate the horrible cult you've started.

I insert my Mono-white Christmas MtG deck. It's 50 humans, 5 artifacts, 23 birds and some snow-covered plains.

----------


## Velaryon

You receive a one-of-a-kind foil Santa Claus MtG card. He's a Legendary Creature - Elf with the ability "Tap: Each player may search their library for any card and put it in their hand, then shuffle their library."

I insert a bottle of dish soap to clean out all the gross stuff that's in the machine.

----------


## Armonia13

You get a set of fine white china. Each piece has a singular unwashable stain but otherwise is perfectly clean.

I insert a bat that may or may not carry a plague

----------


## Odentin

You receive a decapitated Ozzy Osborne. 

I insert a crazy train.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get tied to the railroad tracks and run over while a mustache-twirling villain laughs at you.

I insert my grandmother.

----------


## Armonia13

You get a hard pinch on both cheeks. Also this tray of fresh baked snickerdoodles. Yum!

I insert Mark Hamill who is dressed as Luke Skywalker but with Joker's color scheme.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get Jack Nicholson dressed as Emperor Palpatine.

I insert several board games.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get several tabletop simulator mods.

I insert a quantum chessboard.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I insert a quantum chessboard.


You get a game of one dimensional Scrabble.

I insert a VHS copy of Small Soldiers.

----------


## Velaryon

You receive a copy of Army Men: Sarge's Heroes for the Nintendo 64.

I insert a laserdisc player.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a lazerdisc slayer. Watch out!

I insert mudkipz.

----------


## Korith

You get the Very Hangry Caterpie

I insert the complete works of Machiavelli

----------


## Dire Moose

You get backstabbed by a ruthless, ambitious tyrant.

I insert twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

----------


## Armonia13

You get the Special Operations Unit from the Reverse Questioning thread.

I insert several threads about making wishes

----------


## Velaryon

You receive a visit from the Wishmaster.

I insert homemade pasta salad.

----------


## paddyfool

You get homemade sfogliatelle and gelato. 

I insert a fully decorated Christmas Tree.

----------


## Armonia13

You get a menorah, a dreidel, and a yamaca

I insert a vial of untested flem from a coughing person

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a bunch of CDC doctors in space suits, a bunch of black helicopters, military men putting up barbed wire, a container full of vaccines, and an apple. 

I insert a note with commentary that says Corona is just SARS 2.0 and everyone's totally overreacting about this.

----------


## bug_sniper

Like every other optimistic message about covid, it turns out to be wrong. You get a new strain that makes its victims bleed like they've got ebola.

I insert a needle with bleach in it.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I insert a needle with bleach in it.


You get a Bleach manga with a needle in it.

I insert a rorschach inkblot test.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a bunch of crabs and butterflies.

I insert YOU!

----------


## Dire Moose

You get SOVIET RUSSIA!

I insert a goat.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a cute little bunny and a pile of bones. I'm sure you know what happens next.

I insert the remains of Guns with a note that says 'tis was just a flesh wound!'

----------


## The Outsider

You get a new copy of the good doctor, dressed in black armor and missing an arm.

I insert a fortress full of taunt-loving Frenchmen.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a giant bag of air that expels methane in your general direction.

I insert a cardboard cutout of a castle.

----------


## Armonia13

You get a model city with a working train.

I insert a shrink gun that only works on the person trying to fire it

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get the screams of gnomes, a bang and flash of light, a sudden tug towards the machine and a black toy gun with miniature stars and _'Super Self-Singularity Generator 9000'_ written on it. 

I insert the kitchen sink.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a big stack of dirty dishes.

I insert my cat.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get the cat, plus a man and woman who want your 'Pokémon', whatever they are. And than they do their motto...

I insert said three into the machine by strapping rockets to them and blasting them off again!

----------


## Cicciograna

The machine spews out a coyote with a rocket tied on its back. On the side of the rocket you manage to make up the word A.C.M.E.

You insert a quarter.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a pixelized gorilla throwing barrels down at you, a three-quarters yellow circle that's trying to eat you and a two-dimensional spaceship shooting lasers at you.

I insert a bag of quarters, three high score lists and a note that says 'bring it'.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a signed copy of _Ready Player One_.

I insert said copy of _Ready Player One_.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a VR headset and a free original version copy of _Sword Art Online._

I insert a copy of Inception, which is inside another copy of Inception, which is inside _another_ copy of Inception...

----------


## Cicciograna

You get an Escher painting.

I insert a Penrose triangle.

----------


## The Outsider

You get an iPad with a copy of Monument Valley on it.

I insert a dissertation proving that the concept of time is an illusion.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You've had the gnomes' chicken puppet for two weeks and inserting this payment closes the time loop.

I insert a capsule from a gatcha machine.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a collection of little capsules that piece together to form a toy mecha.

I insert said mecha, an action figure and a disk full of cheesy yet inspiring super robot music.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get an anime revolving around the love stories of bunch of Rule 63'd and 34'd teen mechas dressed as high school students.

I insert the last hair ripped from the head of a balding man.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.

I insert Florida Man.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a vast collection of videos involving a sadistic god and Florida Man wreaking havoc in increasingly creative ways.

I insert a miniature model of an exploding Earth.

----------


## Armonia13

You get a down to earth Supermodel

I insert an Ipod playing "The Merry-go-Round Broke Down" on loop

----------


## paddyfool

You get a set of used gnome-sized earplugs and an iPod that seems to have been hammered flat.

I insert a toaster.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get champagne in a flute.

I insert a calendar from 1987.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a GI Joe and Russian Spetznaz action figure holding guns at each other, waiting for the other to shoot first. Did I mention they're frozen?

I insert said heavy-handed Cold War metaphor into the machine, along with a model nuke.

----------


## Korith

You get a preachy documentary on the evils of war from the position that there's no way any war can ever possibly be justified. It's 80 hours long and has a lot of pictures of flowers in it, too. And it smells faintly of smoke.

I insert +5 Vorpal Bunny into the vending machine along with a note saying "Free bunny, loves tummy scritches"

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a decapitated bunny with the head stitched on his belly, and your note that now reads "Free bunny, loves [tummy scritches[/s] head scratches".

I insert a +5 vorpal sword with a brass bunny head as its pommel.

----------


## Book Wombat

You get a brass statue of a rabbit which is missing its head.

I insert said statue, a metal saw and some superglue.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a brass golem with buzzsaws for hands. Its rather hostile.

I insert a loaf of bread.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a sandwich.

I insert a slice of pizza.

----------


## Korith

You get a barrel containing 57,000 miniature packages of ice cream in 320 different flavors. I suggest avoiding the "earwax" one.

I insert Claude Monet's _Woman with a Parasol_ into the vending machine (the original painting, of course)

----------


## The Outsider

You receive the original author's manuscript for _Mary Poppins_.

I insert an overdue library book.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get... a freshly checked out library book.

I insert an Encarta encyclopedia disk from 1995.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a WikiReader with the Wikipedia as it was in 2010.

I insert Volume 4 of the Encyclopedia Britannica of 1871, from which I ripped away page 119.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a very angry-looking British librarian in a corset and white face paint, who promptly throws a cup of tea in your face before taking the book back.

I insert stone tablets containing the Ten Commandants.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a golden chest that melts your face off when you try to open it.

I insert a copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get an audiotape of Han Solo screaming in agony. 

I insert a model of Jar Jar Binks, a red lightsaber and a note that says 'Jar Jar is the key to all this'.

----------


## Velaryon

You receive a novelty lockpick set in which all the tool handles have been stylized to look like various body parts of Jar Jar Binks.

I insert the RedLetterMedia guy.

----------


## Korith

You get a *Q* (that's a large, blue, letter Q)



I insert a plate of Chicken Cordon Bleu and a bottle of 2005 Pinot Grigio, along with a note saying "Thank you vending machine gnomes for all your hard work over all these years."

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a clean plate and an empty bottle, along with a message. The plate is cracked and the bottle is broken, and the note says "There are no gnomes here. However, the GOBLINS working hard in the vending machine thank you for your gift".

I insert five dice sets, and the D&D 5th edition _Player's Handbook_, _Dungeon Master Guide_, _Monster Manual_, _Xanathar's Guide to Everything_ and _Volo's Guide to Monsters_, along with a note reading "To the vending machine goblins: keep up the hard work, but in your breaks have some fun with this game. Please disregard whatever misconception the creators of the game have about your race, we don't really know enough."

----------


## Laughing Dog

You get... nothing.  It seems the gnomes are busy with something.

I insert a half-drunken dwarf.

----------


## georger0171

You get a bewildered, even more drunk, now beardless dwarf.

I insert the entirety of the Internet.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a kitty!

I insert *[REDACTED].*

----------


## The Outsider

You receive *[DATA EXPUNGED]*.

I insert a miniature giant space hamster.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a pair of badly damaged eye bulbs.

I insert a 0.20 coin.

----------


## georger0171

You get SCP-173, who promptly snaps your neck.

I insert a bong.

----------


## A Human

You get hit in the noggin by a bell shooting out of the vending machine, which promptly makes the exact same bong noise as what you put in.

I insert a box of potions of cure light wounds.

----------


## Korith

You receive a hooded lantern of Inflict Light Wounds. It illuminates a 120' cone, but at the end of each turn, creatures within the cone suffer the effects of an Inflict Light Wounds spell (Save DC 13)

I insert a ghost pepper enchanted with _speak with dead_ into the vending machine. (Putting the pepper into the mouth of a dead creature creates the effects of a speak with dead spell, but the creature's breath smells both dead and as though it had just eaten the pepper, and the creature's _soul_ can taste just how friggin' spicy this pepper is.)

----------


## georger0171

You get a capsaicin elemental.

I insert a crack pipe.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a tobacco pipe. A Missouri Meerschaum Diplomat straight, to be precise.

I insert an ounce of Lane Limited 1-Q.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a bag of crystal meth.

I insert a live alligator.

----------


## georger0171

You get some snakeskin boots.

I insert a live weed plant, along with a note that says "To the vending machine goblins- Here's another reward for your hard work. Cultivate it and smoke it."

----------


## Korith

You get a wand of *Stinking Cloud* and a note saying "Thanks, this increased spell potency by, like, +4 or something. Also, send snacks!"

I insert snacks into the vending machine.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a cute lil' vid of goblins eating your snacks to this song.

I insert, like, some acid dude.
(the fun kind, not the face-melty kind)

----------


## Dire Moose

You get sprayed in the face with a canister of acid (not the fun kind).

I insert a steam locomotive.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a piece of paper with an input code for a free train game on Steam.

I insert a Steam gift card.

----------


## Kerching

Todd Howard comes out of the machine. He is a bit confused. 

I insert an Avatar reference.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a bunch of cabbages. You can faintly hear crying out 'MY CABBAGES!'

I insert a bottle of cactus juice.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a bottle of tequila. It tastes weird, though.

I insert a bottle of cognac.

----------


## Odentin

You receive a classy Canadian in a tuxedo. A "Canadian Tuxedo," naturally.

I insert Hoth.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get Tatooine.

I insert Trantor.

----------


## Velaryon

You receive Ernest P. Worrell.

I insert Pauly Shore.

----------


## georger0171

You get Robert Downey Jr.

I insert a USSR flag.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a Gobbotopia flag.

I insert a kobold wearing an Iron Man Mark II suit.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get Pun-Pun wielding the Infinity Gauntlet.

I insert this model railroad I built when I was in college.

----------


## georger0171

You get a model of the Earth at 1/100000 scale

I insert a cocaine straw.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a note. It reads: "Dear georger0171: we thank you for all the drug stuff you have inserted as of recently. Just so you know, we are not that much into drugs, but thanks anyway. Signed: the vending machine goblins."

I insert a double density floppy disk.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

The machine makes a grinding sound and then spits it back out. The case is cracked, the sliding cover dealie is bent and the whole thing smells like swamp water. Apparently it was the Pathfinder goblins' shift today.

I insert a rabies vaccine.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a COVID vaccine. It's effective at 95.1%.

I insert a virgin cassette tape.

----------


## georger0171

You get a tape that consists of nothing but the name "Chad" repeated in varying tones and inflections. As far as you can tell, the tape seems to never end.

I insert a binder full of sensory cognitohazards.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a [REDACTED]

[DATA EXPUNGED]

MTF Eta-10 "See No Evil" was dispatched to retrieve the specimen. Approval from O5 Command necessary for further details.

I insert a sudo apt get update.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a rescheduled appointment for a judo class.

i insret a poifdst about a vebsiong mavbjone.

----------


## georger0171

oyu get a dicctonary flied with mispled wodrs.

I insert a copy of Deltarune.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a copy of Cyberpunk 2077.

I insert a copy of No Man's Sky.

----------


## Lacco

You get a copy of Yes, Lady Earth!, an extremely obscure anime dating sim, in which you represent Pluto, a single (not-really-)planet, while trying to seduce Earth and try to get it out of its harem, lead by her abusive boyfriend Moon. You have to beat, trick or even seduce some of the other planets and moons.

I insert random set of spare parts I got with my Ikea furniture and a manual to construct Objects in Space physical controller.

----------


## totadileplayz

You receive spare parts to a time machine.

I insert a broken time machine.

----------


## georger0171

You get a broken space machine.

I insert a USB stick with this video on it:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv6BqNhDit4

----------


## Cicciograna

The machine sends you an email with a link to this page.

I insert a USB stick with this video on it.

----------


## georger0171

You get a bag with an uncountable number of ball bearings in it. All anyone can discern is that there seems to be "Over 9000!" bearings in it.

I insert the Library of Congress.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get the library of Kongress. It's full of bananas.

I insert a photo album of 19th-century chimney sweeps.

----------


## Pex

You get a photo of Richard Van Dyke and Julie Andrews.

I insert a spoonful of sugar.

----------


## georger0171

You get a USB drive with a home movie of some 11-year-olds performing _Mary Poppins_.

I insert SCP-096.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a picture of its face.

I insert the finely-shredded remains of georger0171.

----------


## georger0171

You get a USB drive with this playlist on it.

I insert an Amulet of Attracting Angry Swarms of Bees.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a pot of rage honey!

I insert a tray of pecans.

----------


## georger0171

You get a box of dried pecans and a bottle of pecan oil.

I insert _The Complete Works of William Shakespeare_.

----------


## Lacco

You get a small package with a title "10K Dehydrated Monkeys, Just Add Water", an invoice for 10 000 typewriters and suspiciously elaborate stopwatch.

I insert a semi-literate gorilla with a superiority complex and nasty rash on its buttocks.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get an orange toupee.

I insert the 1986th to 4322th digits of pi.

----------


## Korith

You get the 69420th to 80085th last digits of Graham's Number.

I insert a calculator with a big red self destruct button added to it into the vending machine.

----------


## georger0171

You get a 3 megaton yield nuke.

I insert a Gundam.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get an EVA.

I insert an Adam's apple.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a flesh kazoo.

I insert a subpoena.

----------


## Lacco

You get served a salisbury steak.

I insert the Harry Potter books 1-5.

----------


## georger0171

You get a pile of used and broken wands.

I insert a Vending Goblin.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a miniature model of the Vending Machine. It appears to be functional.

I insert a division by zero.

----------


## georger0171

You get a miniature, self-contained black hole.

I insert a box of rolling papers.

----------


## Korith

You get a box of Rolling Stones. Mick Jagger personally thanks you for the rolls, and asks you if you remember how he ended up in there?

I insert the remains of Prince into the vending machine.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get The Zombie Formerly Known As Prince.

I insert a copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special.

----------


## Lacco

You get 14 gallons of gnome vomit, a white flag and a small, handwritten note. The note says "It's stuck in on repeat. Can't get it out. Please, send help!". The handwriting is rather shaky.

I insert twelve bags of sweet popcorn.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a popcorn sculpture of a lion held together with sticky carmel.

I insert a laptop with video editing software.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a tax cut for a charitable contribution.

I insert the badger from the first page of the Rolled a 1 thread.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get fifty-five badgers, six mushrooms and five snakes.

I insert Hank J. Wimbleton, Jebus Christ, Tricky the Clown, Deimos, Sanford and the Auditor. I proceed to give the machine a vigorous shake.

----------


## georger0171

You get a blender with some kind of organic slurry in it.

I insert 10 pounds of d20s.

----------


## Korith

You get 20 pounds of d12s. Not a bad deal, I think...

I insert all the Message Board Games into the Vending Machine. Yeah, even this one.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get an aleph 1.

I insert Internet Explorer 6.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get the untitled internet browser that comes with Nintendo 3DS firmware.

I insert a strawberry sundae.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a scoop of Neapolitan ice cream.

I insert a picogram of anti-osmium.

----------


## Simetra Irertne

You get a nanogram of pro-bismuth.

I insert a dime with a picture of Daffy Duck imprinted on it.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get several conflicting notices from the Department of Wildlife claiming that its either duck season or rabbit season.

I insert the entire Internet.

----------


## Lacco

You get a small black USB stick with "Condensed Internet". It contains an interactive Rick Astley video with him singing about him questioning his ability to get cheeseburgers together with Kermit and Pepe, superimposed over clippy asking you if you want to edit the picture of Ceiling Cat telling you to shut up and take its Nokia 3310, with Doge looking at Leo di Caprio strutting together with Bully McGuire to the sound of The Sound of Silence while Sad Keanu looks from the sideline as Godzilla disco dances with Joker and Backpack Kid under a giant table on which Gordon Ramsey attempts to recreate 5 minute craft videos with terrible results while being watched by a bunch of people that stop him every 5 seconds and react to his swearing, while playing online video games and speedrunning through discord bans and pelting Justin Bieber with T-shirts covered in slurs. After 18 hours of watching, you find out you only covered 0,00001% of the whole content - basically an equivalent of a single page. You look behind and see a huge, dark mountain. You can view that only if you are 18+ (21+ in certain parts of the world). Do you wish to enter? Y/N

I insert a Scooby snack.

----------


## bug_sniper

A gnome pops out for a second and says "Rericious. He gives you a bag of dog cookies. For people but shaped like dogs.

I insert a box of chocolates with a reference card so you know what you get.

----------


## Pex

You get an Everlasting Gobstopper.

I insert a glass of fruit punch.

----------


## georger0171

You get a miniature model of Hawaii.

I insert a copy of _Plan 9 from Outer Space_

----------


## Dire Moose

You get an angry mob of gnomes with torches and pitchforks demanding to be given a good movie next time. They were already a bit upset after the Star Wars Holiday Special earlier.

I insert SCP-682.

----------


## georger0171

You get a tidal wave of acid, dismembered Vending Goblins, and assorted junk.

I insert _Gone with the Wind_.

----------


## Lacco

You get a pale green dress and motivational poster that just says "Think about that tomorrow".

I insert a crysknife.

----------


## bug_sniper

It reverts to being a worm tooth and that's what you get.

I insert a sheet of paper engineered with dull edges to prevent papercuts.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get the worlds sharpest knife, blade first.

I insert a package of band-aids.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a group of roadies.

I insert lateral thinking.

----------


## georger0171

You get anti-negative orthogonal thinking. Your brain explodes trying to figure out this antilogic.

I insert _Star Wars Episode IV_.

----------


## Korith

You get Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan



I insert a Lightsaber, a Bat'leth, and a Denn'bok into the vending machine.

----------


## farothel

You get a book titled 'sword fighting in movies, an overview of styles'.

I insert two lottery tickets.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a Magic Eight Ball. It says "Ask again later".

I insert a Penrose Triangle.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a spiral square staircase. For each step upwards you take, you're magically lowered by the difference in height. If you were to enter it, you'd be trapped in the stairwell without realizing it.

I insert an upright staircase, a leftwards staircase, and an inwards staircase.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get SCP-087.

I insert a blurry picture of Bigfoot.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a very sharp picture of Chewbacca.

I insert an autographed picture of Sheev Palpatine.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a large red lightsabre.

I insert a bowcaster.

----------


## georger0171

You get an oversized medieval crossbow.

I insert this video.

----------


## Dire Moose

(the URL gave me a black screen with an error message)

You get [DATA EXPUNGED]. MTF-117 The Janitors arrives on scene to terminate you before you can tell anyone else.

EDIT: Ok, so it was fixed. You get every curse word in the language of the Great Old Ones which drives you completely insane. You start randomly screaming them everywhere which drives those around you insane. MTF-117 The Janitors arrives on scene wearing advanced hearing protection and shoots you before you can do any more damage.

I insert a flock of pigeons.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get Operation Tacana.

I insert Project Acoustic Kitty.

----------


## BaconTomato

You get a great deal of data on the locations of mice, birds, and other things cats eat.  And nothing else.

I insert a crude effigy of a vending machine gnome.

----------


## georger0171

You get a note saying "The vending machine _goblins_ thank you for your free source of kindling."

I insert _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ (the in-book guide of the same name)

----------


## totadileplayz

You gain the answer to death, strings, and nothing. 

I insert the metaphysical concept of strings.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a black hole.

I insert the fossilized remains of a Brontosaurus.

----------


## BaconTomato

You get the un-fossilized remains of a (still quite dead) Brontosaurus.

I insert my library card.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a bill for a massive amount of late fees. You completely forgot you even checked those books out, too.

I insert 10 tons of barbecued Brontosaurus steak.

----------


## Lacco

You get a 2TB usb flash drive. It contains a continuous mp3 file consisting of gnome burps.

I insert a variety of gnome-centric self-help books (How to Gnome and Be Happy; Find Your Perfect Inner Gnome; Gnome Yourself; Eat, Gnome, Sleep, The Productive Gnome).

----------


## Cicciograna

You get back the same books ripped to shreds, with what remains defaced with crude images of gnomes with X in their eyes and even nastier stuff.

I insert the same books, but centered around goblins (How to Goblin and Be Happy; Find Your Perfect Inner Goblin; Goblin Yourself; Eat, Goblin, Sleep, The Productive Goblin).

----------


## Dire Moose

You get them back, except theyre all on fire. You also get a note written in Goblin which translates to: Goblins already know how to have a good time!

I insert a dire badger.

----------


## BaconTomato

You get an _angry_ dire badger.

I insert a cup of coffee.

----------


## Lacco

You get an angry cup of coffee. It tries to eat your face while you drink it. It tastes refreshing.

I insert a local guide, two pints of lager and a hat rack.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get an angry tour guide who threatens to call security. You also get two angry pints of lager filled with caffeine. And you get an angry hat rack that tips over.

I insert a chill pill.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a lukewarm pill.

I insert a lukewarm pillow.

----------


## totadileplayz

You get a nice regular pillow...

Sometime later,  When you decide to rest with it, you discover it likes eating you. 

I Insert a humane Chest.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a gobline chest. It eats anything you might be foolish enough to put inside it, hands included.

I insert a party of goblin-slaying adventurers.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a village of party-slaying goblins.

I insert the DM.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a fiendish dire half-dragon Tarrasque with the ability to summon swarms of bears.

I insert a pair of nasty dirty smelly sweaty gym socks.

----------


## georger0171

You get an angry gym teacher.

I insert SCP-914, one gear at a time.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get SCP-682, 1 lump of flesh at a time.

I insert the fiendish dire half-dragon Tarrasque and weld the machine dispense slot shut so that nothing comes out of it.

----------


## georger0171

You get a whole vending machine's worth of molten metal.

I insert another vending machine.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a rift in the time-space continuum.

I insert the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) to find some way to seal the rift.

----------


## georger0171

You get the _Millenium Falcon_ being chased by an Exogorth.

I insert the Large Hadron Collider.

----------


## Cicciograna

Once the machine reaches the intended 13 TeV in the center of mass, the vending machine is disintegrated to the quark level. Jets of top quarks streak throughout the area, quickly hadronizing into more stable particles¹. The subsequent radiation shower goes completely uncontained with dire consequences, as even the typically harmless muons have so much energy that they manage to smash atoms and even nuclei in their path. Relativistic effects ensure that the shower propagates for kilometers in all directions. Gamma radiation spawns a host of Hulk-like creatures that add to the general disarray. Neutrinos oscillate like there's no tomorrow, gluons fly everywhere coalescing into glue-balls, pentaquark hadrons set shop among us because screw metastability. You discover a new exotic particle, a lepton that doesn't fit the current Standard Model that you decide to name _goblino_: contrarily to regular leptons, it mysteriously couples to the Strong force and carries a new quantum number that you dub "G" as in "greenness". Quarks and gluons are not amused.
No supersymmetric particles, though, sorry.

I insert into nothing the blueprints for a new vending machine and hire a squad of goblins to put it together and man _blin_ it.

¹Just remembered that the top quarks don't hadronize, they decay too fast.

----------


## georger0171

You get a vending machine, now with two slots. Upon closer inspection, there's a note taped to the vending machine. when you read it, it says: "Hello, new user of the vending machine! This new and improved vending machine supports putting in two objects at once through the different slots. The goblins will combine them and give you something new. Or you can just put one thing in, and the vending machine will work as normal, before the reality-altering event that happened when someone put the LHC in the vending machine.

I test the vending machine's new capabilities by inserting:
*Slot 1:* The entirety of the Order of the Stick books.
*Slot 2:* The entirety of xkcd.

----------


## ziproot

Black hat destroys the last gate and you get a picture of the snarl.

I insert whiteout to erase the picture.

----------


## georger0171

You get white paint.

I insert SCP-008.

----------


## totadileplayz

You Get SCP 008-J

1: Deadspace
2: Fallout

----------


## Cicciograna

You get EVE Online.

I insert World of Warcraft Classic.

----------


## farothel

After a long time you get a book on video game addiction.  It seems well used.

I insert my master's thesis.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get it back with a big red F on it, lots of errors circled in red, and a note at the end reading, This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read! What the devil were you smoking when you wrote this? It appears to be in your professors handwriting, too.

I insert my car.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get back your car, but it has been completely serviced. It sports new tires, oil has been changed, the tank is full and it has been totally detailed, the interior is spotless, the windshields have been wiped, every part of it has been thoroughly cleaned.

I insert a loaded set of dice.

----------


## georger0171

You get an epic-level character, outfitted with the most powerful magic items in Faerun. A note is affixed to the character, saying "Sshhhhh... don't tell anyone. Sincerely, Vending Goblin #23".

----------


## bug_sniper

I insert whatever the previous poster forgot to insert.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You receive whatever that poster would have gotten.

I insert a pack of sponges that are all stuck together. I think weren't properly cut at the factory?

----------


## Dire Moose

You get this kid.

I insert a pterodactyl.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get an archaeopteryx.

I insert an issue of the comic "B.C.".

----------


## paddyfool

You get an issue of "2000 AD"

I insert a Judge Dredd figurine.

----------


## Lacco

You get arrested.

I insert two ping pong paddles and a bowling ball.

----------


## georger0171

You get two very broken ping-pong paddles.

I insert the Rolled a 1 Game thread.

----------


## farothel

You get a D20 without a 1 on it

I insert a Pathfinder 2E character sheet.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get the character it represents! I hope it wasn't for an Evil campaign.

I insert a neurology textbook.

----------


## georger0171

You get a brain in a jar.

I insert the Overkill Wish Granting thread.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get someone who wished for a nice cozy fire. He got his wish granted and now everything in this thread is on fire.

I insert a fire truck.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a fire hydrant.

I insert a box of girl scout cookies.

----------


## ziproot

> You get a fire hydrant.
> 
> I insert a box of girl scout cookies.


You get $20. I insert a billion cicadas, one by one.

----------


## georger0171

You get a plague of locusts.

I insert 4chan.

----------


## totadileplayz

You Get 2Chan

I insert Reddit

----------


## georger0171

You get the /b/ thread.

I insert _The Hunt For Red October_.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get hit by a torpedo.

I insert a keg of beer.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get an empty keg.

I insert a pitcher of wine.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You get an empty keg.
> 
> I insert a pitcher of wine.


Wine pours out as the pitcher it was hold in goes missing. 

I insert a bc 10 sitcom.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a DVD box set for a sitcom that takes place on a massive Atlantic oil platform, based on the real-life Parque das Conchas off the coast of Brazil. It features both an English dub and the original Portuguese with subtitles.

I insert a torn jacket.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a needle and thread.

I insert a gift card to a local restaurant.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a book token.

I insert a copy of Lord of The Rings

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a copy of the Silmarillion. The map is missing, though.

I insert a copy of The Hobbit.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a pile of maps.

I insert a franc, a pound, a euro, and a loonie.

----------


## ziproot

> You get a pile of maps.
> 
> I insert a franc, a pound, a euro, and a loonie.


You get an electrum piece.

I insert a regular vending machine.

EDIT: We keep inserting vending machines don't we.

----------


## georger0171

You get a sheet of current exchange rates between said currencies.

I insert a copy of _Friday Night Funkin_ with the _Vs. Whitty_, _Mid-Fight Masses_, _Hatsune Miku_, _Vs. Hex_, _Vs. Zardy_, and _X-Event_ mods installed.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a copy of Pong.

I insert an origami handbook.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You get a copy of Pong.
> 
> I insert an origami handbook.


You get a sentient origami crane who nestles on your shoulder. 

I insert the fires from the deepest depths of heaven.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a .5-liter can of ambrosia.

In insert some dry ice.

----------


## ziproot

> You get a .5-liter can of ambrosia.
> 
> In insert some dry ice.


You get a coal.

I insert a mosquito.

----------


## Korith

You get a Watermelon wearing sunglasses.

I insert a gallon tub of ice cream into the vending machine.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I insert a gallon tub of ice cream into the vending machine.


You get a pamphlet about the dangers of over-eating and a lack of exercise.

I insert a pamphlet about rocket ships.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a soviet rocket ship from the 1960s. On closer inspection you encounter some confused cosmonauts.

I insert a Russian:English phrasebook.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a hovercraft full of eels.

I insert my computer.

----------


## Korith

You get a wash basin full of soapy water with your computer in it.

I insert a Ship of Theseus that has been augmented into a self-replicating Banach-Tarski machine

----------


## Cicciograna

You get an avocado. It's not ripe.

I insert a bunch of garlic cloves.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You get an avocado. It's not ripe.
> 
> I insert a bunch of garlic cloves.


You get a punch to the gut. 

I insert negative emotions.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I insert negative emotions.


You get a restraining order informing you that you cannot come within 50 feet of the vending machine.

I insert a legal appeal to get the restraining order repealed.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get your very own cell in the county prison.

I insert a cake with a metal file baked into it.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get broken teeth and a lot of pain.

I insert a denture.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get it back, cleaned and with fresh adhesive. I guess they thought you dropped it accidentally. How nice!

I insert a marshmallow cookie.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a note written in Gnomish reading,MOAR!

I insert one million gummy bears.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You get a note written in Gnomish reading,MOAR!
> 
> I insert one million gummy bears.


You get one million rabid bears, and a piece of gum. 

I insert the last will of the 14th son of the 14th son

----------


## Lacco

You get several boxes of condoms.

I insert mildly optimistic cephalopod, bottle of bad whiskey, pencils and jar of mayonaise.

----------


## georger0171

You get Spongebob.

I insert a copy of the game RimWorld.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a signed copy of the novel Ringworld.

I insert a ring.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a field.

I insert an algebra.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get 2.

I insert a dream diary.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get Sigmund Freud, who claims theyre all sexual metaphors.

I insert the fossilized skeleton of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

----------


## totadileplayz

You get a lump of radosaurus flesh.

I insert a rock.

----------


## paddyfool

You get some paper.

I insert scissors.

----------


## Lacco

You get a "No running!" sign.

I insert beheaded, crushed lizard that poisoned Spock.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a sheet of paper.

I insert a gallon of extra virgin olive oil.

----------


## Lacco

You get a gallon of extra olive oil and a very naughty gnome.

I insert an OBJECTION!

----------


## paddyfool

You get a sustain pedal. 

I insert a subpoena

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a superpoena. It makes you a little uncomfortable.

I insert the ceiling.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get the raccoon that was living in the crawl space above it. It seems to be agitated and foaming at the mouth.

I insert a leopard.

----------


## Lacco

You get a leopard-pattern leotard. It has spots on it. It's gnome blood.

I insert a washing machine.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a clothesline and several dozen clothespins.

I insert all the Chaos Emeralds, all the Dragon Balls, and all the Infinity Stones.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I insert all the Chaos Emeralds, all the Dragon Balls, and all the Infinity Stones.


You get a post-it note saying "Stop living in fantasy worlds, and go explore real life!"

I insert my dirty laundry.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get it back clean except that none of the socks match anymore.

I insert a duck.

----------


## Lacco

You get a mildly irritated, extremely sarcastic rabbit that berates you and wages a serious prank war on you. You lose.

I insert a rubber duckie. Full of C4.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get an origami paper crane. It is laced with anthrax

I insert a CD, with tracks by Anthrax.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a set of tracks. Railroad tracks. And a heavy freight train barreling toward you at 60 mph.

I insert Godzilla.

----------


## paddyfool

You get an angry Kong.

I insert the empire state building.

----------


## Velaryon

You get Jay-Z and Alicia Keys.

I insert a ouija board.

----------


## Lacco

You get a haunting.

I insert a boyband, two unicycles and drunk chimpanzee.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get some dude dressed as Darth Vader, wearing a scottish kilt, riding an unicycle, playing the Imperial March on bagpipes.

I insert a spider who was administered LSD.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a spiderweb that is woven into a very strange series of geometric shapes that couldnt possibly exist in reality.

I insert the starship Enterprise (the original version from TOS)..

----------


## Velaryon

You receive William Shatner.

I insert a flux capacitor.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get Luke's TIE fighter from Star Wars 4.

I insert [DATA EXPUNGED] from the SCP foundation.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a [REDACTED]. A joint operation between MTF Mu-4 ("Debuggers") and MTF Eta-10 ("See No Evil") was necessary to recontain the anomaly.

[DATA EXPUNGED]

The operation caused █ casualties among human population, █ among the gnomes and a staggering ██ goblin casualties. At least ██ gnomes and █ goblins from the vending machine are still missing.

[DATA EXPUNGED]

*Spoiler*
Show

_For the love of all the Gods, please refrain from putting that thing in here again. We already have enough issues with all the other crap we process every day, all we need is some weird cognitohazard turning reality upside down! - signed, the vending gnomes & vending goblins_


I insert a treble clef.

----------


## totadileplayz

You get a troublesome chef. 

I insert the beginning of a song.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get The Song That Doesnt End. The machine will not stop printing the lyrics out, nor will the gnomes ever stop singing it

I insert a large sign that reads SHUT UP!!

----------


## Velaryon

You get a fairy that says "Hey, listen!" every few seconds.

I insert a camera that's currently live-streaming on YouTube.

----------


## paddyfool

The signal cuts out as soon as the camera enters the machine, but 24 hours later you get a livestream feed of yourself in the shower broadcast over YouTube that the company are somehow unable or unwilling to take down.

I insert a blindfold.

----------


## totadileplayz

You Get Permanent Blindness!

I Insert a hearing aid.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get permanent deafness!

I insert my cat.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get permanent catness!

I insert π's 1189478th decimal digit.
*Spoiler*
Show

It should be a 2.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get cloned (permanant twoness)

I insert a rod of lordly might.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a mighty lord named Rod.

I insert a Staff of the Magi.

----------


## Dire Moose

The Magi show up and demand the return of their servants.

I insert SCP-173.

----------


## paddyfool

You get an outpouring of seawater containing SCP-371.

I insert some towels.

----------


## Magic_Hat

> I insert some towels.


You get a signed copy of _Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy_...not signed by Douglas Adams. It was signed by a very depressed robot.

I insert monopoly money with no legal monetary value.

----------


## totadileplayz

You gain Venezuelan Bolivar actually more worth less then Monopoly Money!

I insert a half-cent

----------


## Grand Arbiter

You get a bag of pretzel rods.


I insert a cake.

----------


## Cicciograna

You get a lie.

I insert a truth.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a fact.

I insert a fiction.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get horribly-written erotic fanfiction about your favorite franchise, so much so that you get physically sick and vomit all over your computer.

I insert paddyfools computer.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get Libro's pen.

I insert gorilla glue, duck tape, and acorn nails.

----------


## Grand Arbiter

You get a gorilla who just had her nails done. She'd like a ride back to the zoo.

I insert an old dwarven recipe for crabapple cobbler.

----------


## farothel

You get a recipe for dwarf bread, battle scones in this case.

I insert from freshly forged battle scones.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a pitched battle between gnomes and goblins spilling out of the machine.

I insert a sheet of paper containing the equation for SCP-1313.

----------


## totadileplayz

You get an angry grizzly bear which mauls you. 

I insert an unrelated rabid grizzly bear.

----------


## Grand Arbiter

You get a bare canvas.


I insert a rubber-band ball.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a kitten trying to tear it apart.

I insert a Tasmanian Devil.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a Japanese Angel Shark

I insert a halo

----------


## EmmyNecromancer

You got an Angel.

I insert a werewolf.

----------


## Lacco

You get a half-eaten sheep and a thank you note.

I insert a popcorn machine.

----------


## farothel

You get a bunch of movie tickets for timeless classics.

I insert a DVD of Lost.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get lost. In a desert. And you forgot to bring any water.

I insert a horse with no name.

----------


## Lacco

You get a ticket to see a man about a horse.

I insert a name with a horse attached to it.

----------


## totadileplayz

You Get No Name, and No Horse. 

I Insert the End of The Worst Movie

----------


## Grand Arbiter

You get an unfinished copy of the Beginning of the Best Movie, which sadly died in production.


I insert a bag of peanuts.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a gnome suffering from anaphylactic shock. Hope you have a handy supply of injectable adrenaline or the other gnomes will be even more unhappy.

I insert a fully equipped ambulance.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a bill for all of the gnomes medical costs.

I insert a Bat Credit Card.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a dozen shipping containers full of sodas. I think they were supposed to be for some company's vending machines?

I insert an empty tube of toothpaste.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You get a dozen shipping containers full of sodas. I think they were supposed to be for some company's vending machines?
> 
> I insert an empty tube of toothpaste.


You get a glop of toothpase that falls to the floor. 

I insert a chained devil.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a deal for your soul, but you know it's a really bad deal.

I insert the gnome with a wand of death.

----------


## Velaryon

You receive the Grim Reaper with a wand made of gnomes.

I insert a can of cat food.

----------


## farothel

You get a bunch of youtube videos of cute kittens eating.

I insert a box of COVID vaccine vials.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a conspiracy theorist who thinks theyre actually mind control serum.

I insert three chickens and a fat goat.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a moose.

I insert a bridge troll.

----------


## totadileplayz

You Get Trolled by a bridge. 

I insert the left of time.

----------


## Lacco

You get the right of space. And a banana.

I insert a cute statue of fez-wearing dolphins that play blackjack.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a pile of dead fish.

I insert an entire three-ring circus.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a 12-course meal including funnel cake, peanuts, cotton candy, and what you can only hope _isn't_ a massive turducken-equivalent made of elephant, lion and monkey.

An... elionkey.

*shivers in dismay*

I insert the mental image of an elephionkey.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You get a 12-course meal including funnel cake, peanuts, cotton candy, and what you can only hope _isn't_ a massive turducken-equivalent made of elephant, lion and monkey.
> 
> An... elionkey.
> 
> *shivers in dismay*
> 
> I insert the mental image of an elephionkey.


You get back the mental image of a Monliontant. The fact it's reversed and the constraints the bodies are pushed through makes it even worse. 

I insert a faulty internet connection

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a computer that appears to have been punched repeatedly in frustration.

I insert a game of Among Us.

----------


## Laughing Dog

You get an original edition Monopoly.

I insert a shrubbery.

----------


## farothel

You get a knight.  He says 'Ni' a lot.

I insert an unladen swallow.

----------


## Pex

You get back a coughdrop.

I insert an iPhone.

----------


## totadileplayz

You get an eye phone

I insert an insert

----------


## Rogan

You get an extract. 

I insert a parking ticket.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a car boot.

I insert an expired commercial driver's license.

----------


## farothel

You get a moving truck and directions to the 11foot8 bridge.

I insert the resulting video.

----------


## totadileplayz

You get a traffic report

I insert the truck in question.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get that one moving truck that I had to drive all the way from Kennewick, Washington to Phoenix, Arizona back in 2017 and hated having to drive.

I insert the _RMS Titanic_.

----------


## Rogan

You get lots of crushed ice. 

I insert a bottle of rum, soda, brown sugar and some mint.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a bottle of vodka, a can of V8, salt and pepper shakers, and a bottle of Tabasco sauce.

I insert two pineapples connected by a length of chain.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You get a bottle of vodka, a can of V8, salt and pepper shakers, and a bottle of Tabasco sauce.
> 
> I insert two pineapples connected by a length of chain.


You get a pina colada on a line

I insert a chip in a sock

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a chip in a sock


You get an electric wiring scheme in a shoe. 

I insert a small silver coin.

----------


## Velaryon

You get an ATM card to an account with a balance of $0.10.

I insert a bag of chocolate coins.

----------


## Maxxborro

You get a chocolate leprechaun
I insert a piece of burning asteroid

----------


## totadileplayz

> You get a chocolate leprechaun
> I insert a piece of burning asteroid


you get a piece of a frozen comet. 

I insert a toy lion.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a toy lion.


You get a tame tiger.

I insert a box of chocolate.
(I will never knew what I will get)

----------


## Velaryon

You get a bag with a question mark on the side of it. Five times per day you can reach into it and pull out a completely random object. Could be a piece of lint, could be a briefcase full of money, could be an activated nuclear warhead. You will never be able to tell until you try.

I insert a box of animal-themed Valentine's Day cards with cheesy love-themed animal puns.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get an entire zoos worth of animals trying to mate with you.

I insert a sample of weapons-grade plutonium.

----------


## Pex

You get a hover board and sports almanac.

I insert a McDonald's Happy Meal.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a McDonald's Happy Meal.


You get an burger King crown.

I insert an English-German dictionary.

----------


## paddyfool

You get a Gnomish-Goblin dictionary.

I insert an aircraft carrier.

----------


## Maxxborro

> You get a Gnomish-Goblin dictionary.
> 
> I insert an aircraft carrier.


You get a marine giant
I insert a case of expired beer

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a case of expired beer


You get an bottle of really old wine. 

I insert a charger for a smartphone.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a thank you note.

The gnome, now with a fully charged smartphone, calls for help in getting out of the vending machine he's stuck in. I arrive with the fire department and insert a Halligan bar to try to open up the vending machine.

----------


## Dire Moose

As you try to open the vending machine, it suddenly sucks you into it and lets out a really loud burp.

I insert an undercover CIA agent to retrieve bug_sniper without being noticed.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert an undercover CIA agent to retrieve bug_sniper without being noticed.


You get an annoyed Silver Dragon. Peelee

I insert some white text

----------


## Lysbeth

You get a frustrated expletive, also in highlighted white text

I insert a Homestuck reference.

----------


## Supagoof

You get a "back in my day, stuck home's you!" response from an elderly gentleman.

I insert some deprived humor.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a one-way trip to a Siberian gulag for making fun of Soviet Russia one too many times.

I insert a rhinoceros.

----------


## Lacco

You get an unamused hippopotamus in unicorn onesie.

I insert a bad duck joke. About a bad duck. Written on a the back of a bad duck.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get some grapes and lemonade.

I insert a laughing dog.

----------


## Laughing Dog

You get a numerically controlled milling machine.

I insert some very good soup.

----------


## totadileplayz

> You get a numerically controlled milling machine.
> 
> I insert some very good soup.


You get a piece of kale. And a thank you note. 

I insert the sound of music.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get arrested by the Gestapo.

I insert a steam locomotive.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

It condenses into a puddle in the coin return slot.

I insert a kilogram of lemon grass.

----------


## Vianceit

You get a 2.205 pounds of lime grass, which  you're pretty sure isn't a thing, and a recipe for "Pixie" which says it tastes just like the brand name drinks.

I insert a blobfish.

----------


## Pex

You get the biography of Jimmy Durante.

I insert a remote control.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get offshore tech support.

I insert a keyboard with all of the letter labels mixed around.

----------


## Lacco

Pbc ath s dtlh-isxktk ebczt sxk s nbvk-zsdsk.

I insert a not too clean Hungarian phrasebook.

----------


## farothel

You get a hovercraft full of eels.

I insert a battleship.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get an exploding sea mine.

I insert a submarine.

----------


## Laughing Dog

You get a sandwich.

I insert a left-handed mouse and a word-salad.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a tiny dictionary.

I insert a broken USB cable.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a cup of coffee, a 7% charged phone, no files, and no rdb.

I insert a broken pair of headphones.

----------


## totadileplayz

You get back static. 

I insert the static of the void.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get struck by lightning on a sunny day.

I insert the teleporter I used to get out of the vending machine.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get beamed aboard the USS Enterprise, but youre limbs arent all attached correctly, your head is where your butt would be, and youre inside out. The last thing you hear before dying in a horrible gory mess is, I jus fixed tha bloody thing!

I insert a Batleth.

----------


## Supagoof

You get an enraged Klingon, wondering where her Bat'leth has gone, but also going threw the throws of Pon Farr.

I insert the remains of the day.

----------


## Lacco

You get the rest of the night.

I insert two kids, a bag of crumbs and some brownies.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a witchs brew.

I insert a machine gun.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a machinebow and an automatic quiver that it loads from.

I insert horseradish.

----------


## Lacco

You get a radical horse dish.

I insert a cucumblargh.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You receive a cu-***BRAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

I insert a CD labeled 'Classic Memes' that includes the above mentioned meme, the Dragostea din Tei video, the Star Wars Kid, every prequel meme ever and this.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get tossed into the volcano by the anti-meme mob.

I insert a portable hole.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a TARDIS.

I insert a Sonic Screwdriver.

----------


## Lacco

You get a olfactory wrench.

I insert a bottle cap.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a can of Nuka-Cola.

I insert a hippopotamus.

----------


## farothel

You get a big bag of marbles.

I instert a vial of Covid Vaccine.

----------


## Isocahedron

You get a mask.

I insert a live grenade, and run.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a damaged vending machine.

I insert a quarter into a nearby payphone and call for a repairman to come.

----------


## Laughing Dog

A man wearing a tweed suit and a bowtie comes to fix the vending machine.  He hands you the repair bill.*Spoiler*
Show

It totals at about 50 dollars Canadian.


I insert Majora's Mask.  And then step out of existence.

----------


## Dire Moose

The moon crashes into the earth and everybody dies.

I insert my collection of toy dinosaurs.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert my collection of toy dinosaurs.


You get a real dinosaur bone. 

I insert some paracetamol pills.

----------


## farothel

You get a headache.

I insert a tribble.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get 3 tribbles.

I insert a rubber glove filled with helium and tied like a balloon.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a Giant Foot of Stomping.

I insert Nyan Cat.

----------


## farothel

You get a Prrbbtt... thunk.

I insert a UD-4L "Cheyenne" Dropship.

----------


## bug_sniper

A dragoon of colonial marines come out to surround you.

I insert a lootbox.

----------


## Lacco

You get a box with a dead pidgeon, few wires and a button. The pidgeon looks inappropriately happy for a corpse.

I insert a blackboard, a blueprint, a red herring, a greenhorn and a bottle of bleach.

----------


## Rogan

[QUOTE=Lacco;25274683
I insert a blackboard, a blueprint, a red herring, a greenhorn and a bottle of bleach.[/QUOTE]

You get a whiteboard,  white text, a white fish, an ivory horn and an empty bottle which used to contain bleach.

I insert a coloring book.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get a colored hook.

I insert Captain Hook.

----------


## farothel

You get a crocodile that follows you around.

I insert a DVD of the first MIB movie.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a DVD of the first MIB movie.


You get a neuralyzer.

I forget to insert anything. Probably got effected by farothels new toy.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

I'd tell you what you received, but then I'd have to kill you.
\
I insert a folder of classified information.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get [DATA EXPUNGED]. MTF Sigma-25 Honey Badgers has to spend several hours cleaning up the [REDACTED].

I insert a toaster.

----------


## Lacco

You get a toast. "To Dire Moose!"

I insert a white toast bread slice, a butter stick, a bag of marshmallows and an opposum.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a white toast bread slice, a butter stick, a bag of marshmallows and an opposum.


You get an error message:
"Too many items inserted, please remove at least 1 (one) item"

I wait for Lacco to remove something before inserting a change request (Improve capacity).

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

Lucco ends up removing the item limiter from the Vending Machine. You end up with a long list of items the gnomes got from future posters that ends with a plea for _'Gnome moar items plz :('.
_

I insert suggestions for how they can start a business that involves multiple linked vending machines, hiring more gnomes, a bag of startup funds and a garden gnome in a tuxedo.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a gnomish lawsuit for apparently trying to recruit them into a pyramid scheme.

I insert the severed heads of my slain enemies.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get the lamentations of their women!

I insert an action figure of Conan the Barbarian.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert an action figure of Conan the Barbarian.


You get a live size Valeria figure. 

I insert a sandwich.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get an evil silica sorceress.

I insert the vending machine into my Bag of Holding.

----------


## MornShine

You get a terrible _schriiieep_ noise as spacetime tears itself apart, forming a strange silver vortex which draws you in even as the bag of holding turns to so many thin shreds and the items inside spill out.

You also get a trip across the Astral Plane. No expenses paid.



I insert a bildungsroman into the slightly battered vending machine.

----------


## ziproot

You receive the bildungsroman, but the pages are all mixed up and a piece of paper is taped to the cover stating "OUT OF ORDER"

I insert the repair guy from earlier.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert the repair guy from earlier.


You get a bill.

I insert a silver dollar.

----------


## Pex

You get a tooth.

I insert a cup of coffee.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

The Vending Machine rattles and its lights start blinking erratically. I think you gave it a bit much...

I insert a martini (shaken, not stirred) into the vending machine.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get killer nanobots and decide youd rather be blown up by missiles. And then the fans start arguing about it.

I insert my letter to Santa.

----------


## Pex

You get a pony.

I insert a chocolate chip cookie.

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get diabetes.

I insert Dr. House.

----------


## paddyfool

You get Dr Strangelove

I insert an atomic bomb labeled "stop worrying and love me"

----------


## +5 Vorpal Bunny

You get divorce papers signed to the U.S.A. from the Soviet Union.

I insert a paper that says 'In Soviet Russia, Vending Machine inserts YOU!'

----------


## ziproot

You get the USSR flag which somehow plays the Soviet Anthem.

I insert another vending machine.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a perfectly ordinary soda can?!

Except when you try to open it, you find it was really shaken up beforehand and it sprays you in the face.

I insert a Canada Goose.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a Canada Goose.


You get an European Mole.

I insert some cat food.

----------


## farothel

You get a hoard of kittens.

I insert a veterinarian.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a little collar tag with your name on it, signifying you are up to date on your rabies shots.

I insert all the torn wrapping paper, empty cardboard boxes, and other sundry detritus from Christmas celebrations.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert all the torn wrapping paper, empty cardboard boxes, and other sundry detritus from Christmas celebrations.


You get a stack of expired gift cards. 

I insert a candle and a lighter.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get an explosion, the shattered remains of the propane tank that was right above the candle, and a lot of pain.

I insert a penguin.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a puffin.

I insert Danny Devito wearing a tuxedo.

----------


## Lacco

You get Peter O'Toole wearing a hawaiian shirt and a sombrero.

I insert the brain of Mark Zuckerberg powered by a lemon.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get it back, encased in the potato he was using originally.

I insert an empty cigarette lighter.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert an empty cigarette lighter.


You get a box of cigarette stubs.

I insert a bottle of tonic water and a bottle of Gin.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Kahlua.

I insert 5 packets of Taco Bell fire sauce.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a vending machine on fire.

I insert a firehose loaded with milk to put out the hot sauce-induced fire.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get hot-sauce flavored milk.

I insert a glass of chocolate milk.

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert a glass of chocolate milk.


You receive a 25-page essay on the _correct_ cacao powder to milk ratio.


I insert fine sand, a cow, cacao beans, sugar cane, and a blow torch.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert fine sand, a cow, cacao beans, sugar cane, and a blow torch.


You get nothing, because the sand blocks some gears inside of the machine. 

I insert a mechanic (once more).

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get an 8 on Mark Rosewater's Storm Scale.

I insert an 8-ounce jar of petroleum jelly.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get Jell-O

I insert a snake

----------


## paddyfool

You get a hangry mongoose

I insert a library card

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert a library card


It was my library card, and the machine starts printing the entire list of all books I've ever taken out, starting with the early children's books. You get an uncanny insight in the evolution of my tastes as a reader.


I insert my favourite book.

----------


## Rogan

> It was my library card, and the machine starts printing the entire list of all books I've ever taken out, starting with the early children's books. You get an uncanny insight in the evolution of my tastes as a reader.
> 
> 
> I insert my favourite book.


_ Uh, interesting! Do you mind if I take a look?_ 

You get set off three similar books you might like as well. 

I insert a dictionary.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a thesaurus.

I insert a bookmark.

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert a bookmark.


You get a postcard with the stereotypical view of a sunlit beach. It reads:



> Dear Elin,
> 
> The children are having the time of their life. You were right, this holiday was exactly what I needed! Good luck talking to Eric.
> 
> All my love,
> Meryam



I insert a smiley face  :Small Smile:

----------


## Laughing Dog

You get a mask of a stylized crying face.

I insert a vial of T-virus, a potential cure to T-virus, and a note requesting these be handled with care.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get a new Resident Evil game

I insert a copy of the latest Ace Attorney game

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert a copy of the latest Ace Attorney game


You get a ladder. Or a stepladder, your choice.



I insert a bar stool.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get lawyer poop.

I insert a statuette of a squid.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a living version of the mermaid statue.

I insert a rhinovirus and a 'dillovirus

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert a rhinovirus and a 'dillovirus


You get a Tyrannovirus Pox.


I insert a hot tea with a squirt of lemon and a spoon of honey.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a hot tea with a squirt of lemon and a spoon of honey.


You get some biscuits. 

I insert a bucket full of potatoes.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You receive a barrel of popato chisps.

I insert a flux capacitor.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get a TARDIS

I insert an empty bottle of Coke.

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert an empty bottle of Coke.


You get a sugar cane. As in, a walking stick made out of sugar. Good luck!


I insert The Big Book of Awful Puns.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert The Big Book of Awful Puns.


One by one, gnomes leave the vending machine, stand in a queue and hit you. It's a punchline. A bad one...

I insert legal papers stating the gnomes must keep their distance to Taffi.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get gnomes in handcuffs.

I insert one of the popato chisps that Rogan got.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

aH! i so always anted a chisps.... but, i'm not alloud to buy just 1.!...
./.../...//..... 
...will trade...,.... 1 gp!

I insert a plushie spider.

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert a plushie spider.


You get a pillow embroidered with the words "Some Doctor!"


I insert a pig.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get a talking sheep that only speaks in German.


I insert a tiny cow.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a shot-glass of milk.

I insert whatever the next poster wants me to insert.

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert whatever the next poster wants me to insert.


Thanks, my last one just broke! You get a hug!


I insert a floppy disk.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You receive a flash cartridge with data formatted for processing by an 8-qubit quantum computer.

I insert a package containing 20 chocolate cookies.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a package containing 20 chocolate cookies.


You get a mug of hot tee.

I insert a broken smartphone, some titanium and some transparent aluminum.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get a fixed Nokia phone!

I insert earphones.

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert earphones.


You get serenaded by a tiny robot barbershop quartet.


I insert a moonlit night.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a translucent pink vial labeled, "werewolf serum, 1 dose."

I insert a cup of tee

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a golf ball in the face.

I insert an Elixir of Sex-Shifting.

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert an Elixir of Sex-Shifting.


You start getting so many orders you can't keep up with demand and become 2022's Time Person of the Year.


I insert a bottle of fabulous pink hair dye.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You receive a black-haired wig.

I insert a dictionary.

----------


## MornShine

You receive a thesaurus. It's quite good.

I insert an engraved pocketknife.

----------


## farothel

You call that a knife.  You get a machete.

I insert an MP-5 submachine gun.

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert an MP-5 submachine gun.


Knife, machete, gun? Where does that end? You get a madwoman called Meg with an explosive temper.


I insert a bunch of flowers.

----------


## farothel

> Knife, machete, gun? Where does that end? You get a madwoman called Meg with an explosive temper.
> 
> 
> I insert a bunch of flowers.



You get some tulip bulbs.  Some can be very valuable.


I insert an oak tree.

(OOC: I've actually seen that gun when I studied in Ghent).

----------


## Pex

You get a yellow ribbon.

I insert a light bulb.

----------


## MornShine

You receive a heavy bulb.

I insert twelve pfennigs.

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert twelve pfennigs.


You receive six eurocents and a copy of John F. Kennedy's "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech.


I insert a piece of concrete and a certificate that claims it is a genuine piece of the Berlin Wall.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get an umbrella full of holes and a certificate saying it belonged to the king of Switzerland.

I insert the superhero known as Two-Punch Man.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a pair of One-Punch Men. Sweet!

I insert a ceiling fan that was too powerful.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get a tiny, angry helicopter


I insert a chicken

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert a chicken


You get a brown-feathered Tyrannosaurus Cluck that acts like a puppy.


I insert an egg of unknown origin.

----------


## MornShine

You get a small blue emu and a stack of papers. The papers detail the emu's pedigree-- it came from a speckled chicken on one Granny Holzfaster's Emus and Cheese Farm, whose parents were born on that farm, whose parents were wild emus born at 28°45'10.7"S 143°03'15.6"E, and so on and so on until the evolution of terrestrial creatures.\

I insert a printed copy of the _NetHack_ source code.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get the NetHack HD rerelease! It sucks!

I insert a rubber ball that a puppy chewed on.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get a dog plushie

I insert a bottle of muddy puddle water

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert a bottle of muddy puddle water


You get a pair of rubber boots, sized for children of about 5 years old, mostly yellow with clear blue dots.


I insert a large umbrella that's a boring brown on the outside, but when you open it the inside reveals a full-sized picture of a bright orange-purple flower.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get the same fabric, placed inside-out on a compact two-fold umbrella design that fits in a coat pocket. The flipped fabric still shows the brown underside when it's fully folded, but the flower seems to bloom when it's opened.

I insert a vacuum cleaner with a frayed power cord.

----------


## MornShine

You get a device for extracting energy from the quantum vacuum. Unfortunately, whenever you try to turn it on, it just reads vacuum frayed-- cannot extract power.

I insert fire.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get Plasma

I insert water

----------


## Dire Moose

You get gas. Of the extremely toxic and corrosive variety.

I insert enough money to pay for TwilightSandwics funeral.

----------


## ziproot

You get a bag of chips. It _is_ a vending machine, after all.

I insert an "insert" key.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You hear it fall through and clink into the coin return slot. When you go to retrieve it, you find a Return key.

I insert a grilled cheese, tomato, and peppery bacon sandwich with the crusts cut off.

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert a grilled cheese, tomato, and peppery bacon sandwich with the crusts cut off.


You get a frothy craft beer in a sippy cup.


I insert 99 bottles of beer.

----------


## MornShine

You get a full hundred rounds of inebriated Gnomish singing (some numbers are dropped, some are repeated). Its very, very, very off-key.

I insert a leather jacket.

----------


## Pex

You get a shark, water skis, and Henry Winkler.

I insert 76 trombones

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert 76 trombones


You get a silver triangle.


I insert all the hours I've spent practicing classical guitar.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get: pretty good!

I insert a green banana dipped in peanut butter.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get a single peanut colored in yellow paint

I insert a hairbrush

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert a hairbrush


You get five testers for new shampoos and a pamflet on how to prevent hair loss.


I insert a flea circus.

----------


## Lacco

You get small flea-sized WV Beetle filled to the brim by flea members of flea advisory committee for the fire safety.

I insert a flannel shirt and false beard.

----------


## MornShine

You receive a pair of lacy underthings and a lumberjack's hatchet. 

I insert three hundred dollars of counterfeit money.

----------


## Rogan

> You receive a pair of lacy underthings and a lumberjack's hatchet. 
> 
> I insert three hundred dollars of counterfeit money.


You get 2.50 dollars in real money (They take a 99% split and 50 cent transaction fee).

I insert a power cable (still connected to the socket)...

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get 2.50 dollars in real money (They take a 99% split and 50 cent transaction fee).
> 
> I insert a power cable (still connected to the socket)...


You get a copy of the song: "with great power come great power bills"

I insert myself.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get to be a gnome. Welcome to the team!

I insert a magic mushroom.

----------


## Taffimai

> I insert a magic mushroom.


You get three gold coins and a peach.


I insert a blue shell.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get mock-turtle soup

I insert a rose flower.

----------


## oogaboogagoblin

you get squirted by water from a trick flower in the vending machine

i insert a barrel of tomato soup

----------


## MornShine

You get a tomato-and-salted-fish-sandwich. It's odd, but pretty good.

I insert a toy hammer.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

One of those boring plastic playset ones, right? Pff. You get a giant inflatable super-squeaky sledgehammer with googly eyes.

I insert a basket of almonds.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> One of those boring plastic playset ones, right? Pff. You get a giant inflatable super-squeaky sledgehammer with googly eyes.
> 
> I insert a basket of almonds.


You get a basket of chopped wood and a confused note of the head gnome how you fit multiple trees in a basket.(according to wikipedia almond is the tree and not the fruit, which would be drupes, so either you did this intentionally or you're using a different definition.)

I insert a dragon.

----------


## MornShine

You get very badly burned. Don't mess with dragons, they're _terrifying_.

I insert hospital bills.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get very badly burned. Don't mess with dragons, they're _terrifying_.
> 
> I insert hospital bills.


You get dragon intestines with a note "hope this helps, we had to sell most of the rest to pay for the repairs and bills of the fight." 

I insert a deadline.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get a Douglas Adams book!


I insert a fork

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a Douglas Adams book!
> 
> 
> I insert a fork


You get a spoon.

I insert the players handbook.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a newly rolled character.

I insert a bitcoin.

----------


## MornShine

You get about one-seventh of a quarter.

I insert a toothbrush.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a bunch of foam made from toothpaste and spit.

I insert a plushie panda.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a rabid grizzly bear.

I insert a bunch of comic books.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a rabid grizzly bear.
> 
> I insert a bunch of comic books.


You get a bunch of regular books.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You seemed to have inserted Nothing, so you got Something!


I insert Something.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You seemed to have inserted Nothing, so you got Something!
> 
> 
> I insert Something.


You get minus Something.

I insert Something*1^0.5. Which is an imaginary version of something.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a copy of _i·something,_ which is either a weird manga or the worst novel Isaac Aasimov ever wrote.

I insert a baseball team of literal tigers.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a copy of _i·something,_ which is either a weird manga or the worst novel Isaac Aasimov ever wrote.
> 
> I insert a baseball team of literal tigers.


You get a chess team of figurative tigers.

I insert fear.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get hope.

I insert Pandora's Box

----------


## paddyfool

You get Pandora's Jar and a snotty note from a scholar of ancient Greek about bad translations.

I insert a scholar of ancient Greek

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get Pandora's Jar and a snotty note from a scholar of ancient Greek about bad translations.
> 
> I insert a scholar of ancient Greek


You get a scholar of modern Greek.

I insert a drm protected picture.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get the DRM back with the picture helpfully removed.

I insert my ego.

----------


## Lacco

You get a SUPERego!

I insert a shadow I brought from this cave...

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a SUPERego!
> 
> I insert a shadow I brought from this cave...


You a sweet from the shadow realm.

I insert an army

----------


## Velaryon

You get a Hulk

I insert the Hulkster, brother!

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

Naturally, you get the Hulkstest.

I insert a plastic bag that I caught one-handed as it blew by me in the winter wind.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> Naturally, you get the Hulkstest.
> 
> I insert a plastic bag that I caught one-handed as it blew by me in the winter wind.


You get a "thank you" folder from the ocean cleanup society.

I insert a book.

----------


## oogaboogagoblin

you get a small piece of paper reading "unfortunately our translator between common and gnomish is out of the office today, please dial 811-311-9789 for more information"

i insert all of south dakota

----------


## Velaryon

You get half of Montana, but not the good half.

I insert the long part of Oklahoma.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert the long part of Oklahoma.


You get a quarter of Alaska.

I insert a book and a Wombat.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a quarter of Alaska.
> 
> I insert a book and a Wombat.


You get a digitized version of the book and a power cell.

I insert my anger.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get hate. It sucks. You try inserting it and you get suffering. Drat. Looks like Yoda was right.

I insert a sausage with little paper cat ears stuck on with toothpicks.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get a douchhound puppy


I insert a pink dragon

----------


## Dire Moose

You get Barney the Dinosaur who proceeds to serenade you with his signature annoying songs until your ears bleed.

I insert a swarm of fire ants.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get nothing because the gnomes inside whose job is to give you something are eaten.

I insert another set of gnomes.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get nothing because the gnomes inside whose job is to give you something are eaten.
> 
> I insert another set of gnomes.


You get the smell of anti-bug spray and a bunch of dead fire ants.

I insert a loophole.

----------


## 7LayerDipstick

You get an entire army of lawyers.

I insert a large bag of caramel corn.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get an entire army of lawyers.
> 
> I insert a large bag of caramel corn.


You get a large bag of ginger root.

I insert a broken heart.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a lonely heart. It has, "Sgt. Pepper," written on the back.

I insert a copy of _Dungeon Crawlin' Fools._

----------


## Velaryon

You get a 1:16 scale model of Dorukan's Gate, complete with self-destruct button.

I insert bone fragments from Xykon's exploded corpse.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a very angry Xykon, since you forgot to destroy his phylactery.

I insert a hippogriff.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a very angry Xykon, since you forgot to destroy his phylactery.
> 
> I insert a hippogriff.


You get a harpy.

I insert an angry parent.

----------


## 7LayerDipstick

You get an even angrier child.

I insert a box of broken glass.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get an even angrier child.
> 
> I insert a box of broken glass.


You get a box of molten sand.

I insert a solar panel.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a panel that shines like the sun. It burns...

I insert a crate of dead AA batteries.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a panel that shines like the sun. It burns...
> 
> I insert a crate of dead AA batteries.


You get a pack of working AA batteries and a "thank you" note from some random environmental organization.

----------


## Rogan

> You get a pack of working AA batteries and a "thank you" note from some random environmental organization.


I insert Smoutwortel as punishment for inserting nothing.

----------


## 7LayerDipstick

> I insert Smoutwortel as punishment for inserting nothing.


You get the root of a malted grain along with a note that simply reads "???"

I insert a sling loaded with a d4.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get a Halfling Rogue Figurine

I insert a D12

----------


## farothel

You get a greataxe.

I insert a B52 bomber

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get 15d8.

I insert a five-foot-long octopus plushie that's torn at the seams. Much of its stuffing is gone.

----------


## Laughing Dog

Squid tentacles dart out of the vending machine and pull you in!

I insert a copy of _Horselords_.

----------


## Lacco

You get a very noble looking horse. Like a lordly one. Real posh.

I insert a pint filled with black tea. The steep time of the black tea was 24-hours, with tea bags replaced every 5 minutes. Lemon, sugar.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a pint filled with black tea. The steep time of the black tea was 24-hours, with tea bags replaced every 5 minutes. Lemon, sugar.


You get a bottle of alcohol, 99% proof. Don't ask me how the gnomes managed to get this.

I insert a copy of a bachelor thesis.

----------


## 7LayerDipstick

> I insert a copy of a bachelor thesis.


You get a bachelor's degree from the Gnome Institute of Dispensing

I insert a ten-pound bag of saccharine.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a Wilford Brimley action figure that shouts "Diabeetus!" whenever you press the button on its back.

I insert one end of a fishing line with a hook baited with summer sausage.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a Wilford Brimley action figure that shouts "Diabeetus!" whenever you press the button on its back.
> 
> I insert one end of a fishing line with a hook baited with summer sausage.


You get the fishing line with a throw away BBQ attached.

I insert an excuse note for not inserting something the last time.

----------


## Dire Moose

The gnomes refuse to let you off the hook. Said hook is now embedded in your throat.

I insert my math homework.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a dog with some shreds of paper in its mouth.

I insert a wi-fi router.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a LAN cable.

I insert a team of ninjas.

----------


## Trog

You get a large bill for their custom named and numbered ninja team uniforms (black on black, naturally).

I insert your Wilford Brimley action figure that shouts "Diabeetus!" whenever you press the button on its back.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a large bill for their custom named and numbered ninja team uniforms (black on black, naturally).
> 
> I insert your Wilford Brimley action figure that shouts "Diabeetus!" whenever you press the button on its back.


You get a "thank you" flyer from the PANTG(Parents against noisy toys group).

I insert a the hook I had surgically removed from my throat.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a the hook I had surgically removed from my throat.


You get a worm, which is perfectly capable of serving as a bait. 

I insert a bloody bandage.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a worm, which is perfectly capable of serving as a bait. 
> 
> I insert a bloody bandage.


You get the knife used to inflict the wound that made the bandage bloody.

I insert a fire.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get ice.

I insert an Ending.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get ice.
> 
> I insert an Ending.


You get a sequel.

I insert power

----------


## oogaboogagoblin

several burnt and clearly dead gnomes fall out, along with a note saying "you monster"
i insert a can of sardines

----------


## Smoutwortel

> several burnt and clearly dead gnomes fall out, along with a note saying "you monster"
> i insert a can of sardines


You get anchovis Pizza.

I insert beauty(no not something beautiful, pure beauty).

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get ugly robes for some reason.

I insert a carton of expired milk.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get cheese.


I insert jam.

----------


## bug_sniper

You don't get anything right away. But on your drive back home, you get stuck in traffic for an additional 30 minutes.

I insert a pickaxe pie.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get 24 Kenku miners.

I insert a torn-up superhero comic.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a torn-up superhero comic.


You get a brand new reprint of this comic. 

I insert some python code, printed out on 5 A4 pages.

----------


## oogaboogagoblin

you get the first mario game crumpled in between the script of monty python and the holy grail

i insert a shower curtain

----------


## Lacco

You get a mold and few types of fungi.

I insert a 20,000 pages long campaign notes for VtM-style game that exists in Twilight universe (the sparkly vampire one) operating on Twilight Zone rules.

----------


## Laughing Dog

You get a review of the campaign written in gnomish.  Translated, it reads "Oddly good."

I insert a set of halfling-engineered tank schematics written in Dwarven, using elvish script.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a bog-standard gnomish tank.

I insert a a bag of pita bread that got moldy before its expiry date.

----------


## Lacco

You get a pill bottle. The sticker says "πενικιλλίνη". It's penicillin.

I insert a set of cat-shaped meeples, a pair of 27-sided dice, a big piece of cardboard, a small bag of plastic coins and random tokens, coloured paper and glue.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get a very weird homebrew D&D campaign


I insert a dragon

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

It eats all the gnomes.

I insert new gnomes.

----------


## Gold Leaf

> It eats all the gnomes.
> 
> I insert new gnomes.


You get some half-chewed, vomit-covered gnomes who are very unhappy about being replaced.

I insert a 40 metre longsword.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get some half-chewed, vomit-covered gnomes who are very unhappy about being replaced.
> 
> I insert a 40 metre longsword.


You get a dragon holding the longsword.

I insert confusion.

----------


## Gold Leaf

You get a longsword holding the dragon.

I insert you!

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get me! *blam* *blam*

I insert a peanut butter fish filet.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get me! *blam* *blam*
> 
> I insert a peanut butter fish filet.


You get beef jam with cider.

I insert another vending machine.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a machineless gnome.

I insert all of the godmodder's arms and tentacles.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

They come back out, still attached to the 'modder and now with a variety of biotech improvements.

I insert a fresh doughnut!

----------


## Smoutwortel

> They come back out, still attached to the 'modder and now with a variety of biotech improvements.
> 
> I insert a fresh doughnut!


You get two dollars.

I insert a car.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a crushed metal cube.

I insert my high school algebra teacher.

----------


## Gold Leaf

> You get a crushed metal cube.
> 
> I insert my high school algebra teacher.


You get your teacher's monthly wage. You could buy two, maybe three fresh donuts with this much money!

I insert every comic ever published to feature Sonic the Hedgehog.

----------


## MornShine

You receive every comic ever published which features actual hedgehogs.

I insert a large metal water bottle.

----------


## Laughing Dog

You get a piece of fine china.

I insert a copy of _The Hobbit._

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get the Silmarillion.


I insert a cowboy.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a cow.

I insert a donkey.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a cow.
> 
> I insert a donkey.


You get a saddle sack with supplies

I insert a mountain lion.

----------


## Lacco

You get Don Karnage, holding a large brass key.

I insert a witty remark about how you fight like a dairy fighter.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get Don Karnage, holding a large brass key.
> 
> I insert a witty remark about how you fight like a dairy fighter.


You get a defensive answer about how that is, because my cheddary nature angers so many people.

I insert a car.

----------


## Gold Leaf

> You get a defensive answer about how that is, because my cheddary nature angers so many people.
> 
> I insert a car.


You get a brand new gameshow.

I insert the  :Small Big Grin:  emoji.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a brand new gameshow.
> 
> I insert the  emoji.


You get a lecture about Unicode and how the Japanese introduced emojis into it.

I insert passion.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get the lead role in _The Passion of the Smoutwortel_, which is a very realistic production, right down to you actually getting nailed to a cross and dying horribly.

I insert a Molotov cocktail.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a bucket of Molotov Fried Chicken.

I insert one dozen abandoned octopus eggs.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a bucket of Molotov Fried Chicken.
> 
> I insert one dozen abandoned octopus eggs.


You get two grams of caviar.

I insert peace.

----------


## Dziadek

> You get two grams of caviar.
> 
> I insert peace.


You get a muslim guy with a "Free Hugs!" sign, being hugged by a punk.

I insert a paper with "Can entropy be reversed?" written on it.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get back a paper that says, "No." Isaac Asimov is gravely disappointed.

I insert two eggs, a bag of flour and a bag of cocoa.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get back a paper that says, "No." Isaac Asimov is gravely disappointed.
> 
> I insert two eggs, a bag of flour and a bag of cocoa.


you get a pack of choclate milk

I insert war.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert war.


You get XP.

I insert some fools.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get XP.
> 
> I insert some fools.


You get a lot of questions.

I insert some wise people.

----------


## Velaryon

You also get a lot of questions, but they are somewhat more thoughtful.

I insert a bag of question marks.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You also get a lot of questions, but they are somewhat more thoughtful.
> 
> I insert a bag of question marks.


You get the sound of a chorus of despairing parents.

I insert curiosity.

----------


## Gold Leaf

> You get the sound of a chorus of despairing parents.
> 
> I insert curiosity.


You get a dead cat and a cup of Martian soil.

I insert the scientific method.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a dead cat and a cup of Martian soil.
> 
> I insert the scientific method.


You get tons of data and a discussion page about validity.

I insert statistics.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert statistics.


You get exactly the result you wanted.

I insert a bunch of dead half-gods. Don't ask...

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get exactly the result you wanted.
> 
> I insert a bunch of dead half-gods. Don't ask...


You get a very sad Zeus.

I insert a bunch of Frost giants.

----------


## Tales of Charon

You get three almonds that have come to life

I insert and old bleached sneaker

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get three almonds that have come to life
> 
> I insert and old bleached sneaker


You get all the components of sneaker seperately and a paper specifying in which recycle bin to put which part of the sneaker.

I insert an old weary leather shoe.

----------


## TwilightSandwic

You get a fishing pole!


I insert a cookie...

----------


## Gold Leaf

You get a horribly deformed Eldritch version of a grandma.

I insert a call centre scammer.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a horribly deformed Eldritch version of a grandma.
> 
> I insert a call centre scammer.


You get a nigerian prince.

I insert a Maria statue.

----------


## Gold Leaf

You get a Shadow the Hedgehog Funko Pop.

I insert an electric fence.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert an electric fence.


You get some barbed wire.

I insert some free beer.

----------


## ziproot

> You get some barbed wire.
> 
> I insert some free beer.


You get a piece of paper explaining the four freedoms of free software.

I insert the control, alt, and delete keys.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get what appears to be a fancy new gaming keyboard, but every key makes your computer reboot.

I insert a fresh gnome corpse.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get what appears to be a fancy new gaming keyboard, but every key makes your computer reboot.
> 
> I insert a fresh gnome corpse.


You get a fresh doctor's corpse.

I insert adoration.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a bag of door eaters.

I insert a bag of cheatos.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a bag of cheatos.


You get some crumbs. 

I insert a mysterious ticking noise.

----------


## Gold Leaf

> You get some crumbs. 
> 
> I insert a mysterious ticking noise.


You get a series of differently pitched explosions, sequenced ti form a short tune.

I insert a participation medal.

----------


## Pex

You get back a $3 bill.

I insert a box of Cheerios.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get honey nut cheerios

i insert a large handful of republicans

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get honey nut cheerios
> 
> i insert a large handful of republicans


You get a bunch of democrats.

I insert orange(the color)

----------


## bug_sniper

You get the flag of the Maratha Empire of India from the 17th century.

I insert enough gasoline to set this entire thread on fire and a lit match.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get arson charges giving you 20-life with no parole

i insert orange mans toupee

----------


## Gold Leaf

You get a ginger wig.

I insert a Thanksgiving dinner.

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get bramblefoot's aunt!

I insert a diaper made for an illegal pet chimpanzee.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get bramblefoot's aunt!
> 
> I insert a diaper made for an illegal pet chimpanzee.


You get a legal doll of the same size.

I insert greed.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get capitalism

i insert the song marching through georgia by henry clay

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get capitalism
> 
> i insert the song marching through georgia by henry clay


You get rickrolled.

I insert the moon.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get the sun

i insert a horrible banjo and accordian duos first and only record

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get the sun
> 
> i insert a horrible banjo and accordian duos first and only record


You get to listen to its contents in 80 decibels.

I insert Redcloacks ego.

----------


## DisavowedPaladi

> You get to listen to its contents in 80 decibels.
> 
> I insert Redcloacks ego.


You get a nice house with an indoor fireplace.

I insert a Rust Monster and a Dolphin

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a nice house with an indoor fireplace.
> 
> I insert a Rust Monster and a Dolphin


You get a steel fairy and a sparrow.

I insert a website

----------


## bramblefoot

you get prawnhub

i insert gawr gura playing her banjolele

----------


## Gold Leaf

You get a real, adult woman playing air guitar.

I insert a cheap shot.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get a nut cup

i insert the russian rock anthem

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get a nut cup
> 
> i insert the russian rock anthem


You get the mongolian water anthem.

I insert MiTD.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get AwSL (the angel with a sword of light)

I insert a flying fortress (a castle kept airborne with wings).

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

Gnomes prefer the ground. You get Howl's Moving Castle, with crab legs and a fire elemental.

I insert a defense attorney's badge.

----------


## Smoutwortel

> Gnomes prefer the ground. You get Howl's Moving Castle, with crab legs and a fire elemental.
> 
> I insert a defense attorney's badge.


You get a prosecution invitation.

I insert trash.

----------


## Gold Leaf

You get canned.

I insert a really bad videogame.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get three copies bought and bankruptcy

i insert ninomae inais' back, bare for all the world to see

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get three copies bought and bankruptcy
> 
> i insert ninomae inais' back, bare for all the world to see


You get an angry letter from the gnomish youtube operators.

I insert bramblefoot.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get a really awesome game called tomboys and troublemakers. (seriously go check it out!)

i insert ace combat 5 the unsung war

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get a really awesome game called tomboys and troublemakers. (seriously go check it out!)
> 
> i insert ace combat 5 the unsung war


You get a playstation.

I insert fun.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get a scraped knee and endless crying.

i insert a water buffalo with cheese

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get a scraped knee and endless crying.
> 
> i insert a water buffalo with cheese


You get a canada goose with marple sirup.

I insert water.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get wine

i insert a pair of koalas in booty shorts

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get wine
> 
> i insert a pair of koalas in booty shorts


You get a bunch of Naked potheads.

I insert some cyclist on fire.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get a lawsuit about use of flamethrowers in the tour de france

i insert the 6th panzer division circa the start of ww2

----------


## bug_sniper

A severe cold snap sets in and you get frozen by  −45 °C (−49 °F) temperatures.

I insert a motorized rifle division.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get the absolute kit and caboodle blown out of you by several flights of P-51 mustangs

i insert a pdf copy of legacy life among the ruins

----------


## Dire Moose

You get an audiobook version of the Necronomicon, which immediately starts playing.

I insert Nyarlathotep.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get azatoth

i insert a copy of the gutenberg bible bound in human skin

----------


## ziproot

You get a copy of the book of mormon bound in alien skin.

I insert three mice in a trenchcoat.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get one dead mouse and two with minor injuries from a falling clock

i insert two takodachi stuffed with cream cheese

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a pair of jelly doughnuts full of blood.

I insert a chainsaw and a hockey mask.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get the unholy fusion of leatherface and jason voorhees

i insert the youtube video of elmo dancing for the motherland

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get the gif of Elmo standing in fire.

I insert a large passenger jet.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get the family guy twin towers joke

i insert an offensive bowling animation

----------


## Rogan

> i insert an offensive bowling animation


You get a warning. 

I insert a bunch of stupid theories on a piece of paper.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get good kindling for a fire

i insert the bug-blatter beast of traal from the hitchikers guide to the galaxy

----------


## animorte

You get a very angry PAC-Man.

I insert the 3-weeks-expired cheesecake.

----------


## Pex

You get zombie Golden Girls.

I insert D&Done.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert D&Done.


You get a revisioned version of D&D 4.

I insert a card with my best wishes.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get a angrily worded letter from a blonde-haired middle-aged lady

i insert 500 volumes of vogon poetry

----------


## Dr.Gunsforhands

You get a thumb drive containing the anti-life equation.

I insert a Weird Al album.

----------


## Gold Leaf

You get a polka-style mashup of your favourite album.

I insert 4 out of the 5 cards required to summon Exodia.

----------


## bramblefoot

you lose the game to seto kaiba

i insert a piranha in a fishbowl

----------


## animorte

Your cat gets curious and loses a leg.

I insert the milk man making a stop on Drury Lane.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert the milk man making a stop on Drury Lane.


You get a joke so funny, everybody who hears is dies laughing. 

I insert about one Liter of water (without a container)

----------


## bramblefoot

you get a mess

i insert captain prices facial fur

----------


## Dire Moose

You spontaneously grow a set of massive 1800s-style mutton chops.

I insert a top hat and a monocle.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a top hat and a monocle.


You get the front page of a magazine advertising you as 'the most desirable bachelor' of the world. (That's such a handsome moose!)

I insert a copy of Macbeth.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get the oedipal complex

i insert a mouse sized banjo strung with cat whiskers

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get the oedipal complex
> 
> i insert a mouse sized banjo strung with cat whiskers


You get a chicken sized drum spun with human leater.

I insert sleep.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get good health the next day.

I insert the Relativity drawing by M.C. Escher.

----------


## bramblefoot

you accidentally summon cthulhu and end the world

i insert a chibi anime figure of vladimir putin

----------


## Lysbeth

You get a funko pop of Volodymir Zelensky.

I insert a paper with "please do not insert" written on it...

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## Smoutwortel

> You get a funko pop of Volodymir Zelensky.
> 
> I insert a paper with "please do not insert" written on it...


You get an army of angry gnomes.

I insert a dragon.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get dragged into the vending machine.

I insert one of Salvador Dali's surrealist paintings.

----------


## bramblefoot

You get an angry wife because you melted too many clocks in the oven

I insert a villains head on a silver platter

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a villains head on a silver platter


You get legal rights to all the assets of said villain, including his land and title. 

I insert a link to the reverse wish corruption thread

----------


## bramblefoot

You get a firebombing of Britain by the IRA and a declaration of war 

I insert a dead queen meme

----------


## 5a Violista

You get six elephants, six hippos, eight giraffes, eight anteaters, eight antelope, one ostrich, and two lion cubs singing "I just can't wait to be king"

I insert a plate full of bugs

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a swarm of angry bees.

I insert a can of insecticide.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get a blind mustard-gassed ww1 veteran

i insert the song come out ye black and tans, by derek warfield and the young wolfe tones

----------


## Persolus

You get the song "Go Away" by Weezer.

I insert a stethoscope and a sword.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get a dead sword swallower in the morgue

i insert 100 monkeys and a nuclear bomb with 30 minutes to detonation

----------


## Rogan

> i insert 100 monkeys and a nuclear bomb with 30 minutes to detonation


You get an army of twelve monkeys and some plutonium. 

I insert some sand.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get tatooine

i insert some tusken raiders camped out on the canyon dune turn

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get tatooine
> 
> i insert some tusken raiders camped out on the canyon dune turn


You get a single dude with a light sword and murder in his eyes.

I insert a sparrow.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a mouse with wings and a beak.

I insert all people who do not insert themselves into the vending machine.

----------


## animorte

You get a mob of name-brand delicious forumites.

I insert the bed-liners to all the pick-ups I never care to own.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get the mother of all bug swarms with the liners as a nest

i insert the burning of atlanta in the civil war

----------


## Rogan

> i insert the burning of atlanta in the civil war


You get the sinking of Atlantis.

I insert a miniature spaceship.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get Q holding the USS voyager

i insert an aztec priest holding a bloody heart aloft

----------


## Persolus

You get a pterosaur - a _Quetzalcoatlus_, to be precise.

I insert a can of spinach.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a can of spinach.


You get an exceptionally strong sailor. 

I insert a can of worms.

----------


## bramblefoot

You get a mess of fish for gutting and eating 

I insert a large watame burger and a glass of doctor oopsie

----------


## Smoutwortel

> You get a mess of fish for gutting and eating 
> 
> I insert a large watame burger and a glass of doctor oopsie


You get a nice 4 star diner.

I insert the moon.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get an asteroid crashing into said moon, causing the plot of the series life as we knew it

i insert a certain pettan necromancer who was terminated by hololive

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get an asteroid crashing into said moon, causing the plot of the series life as we knew it
> 
> i insert a certain pettan necromancer who was terminated by hololive


You get a revived, vengefull and thankfull necromancer.

I insert clearity.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get a land of confusion

i insert a cro-magnon on the set of fox and friends

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get a land of confusion
> 
> i insert a cro-magnon on the set of fox and friends


You get **** dasterdly and the mean mobile.

I insert paranoia.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get two men dead with .00 buckshot wounds and a court hearing

i insert bunnicula

----------


## Dire Moose

You get the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog.

I insert the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get the cave of aaargh

i insert the horrendous black beast of aaargh

----------


## bug_sniper

Candlejack comes out of the vending machine and

 I insert the will to live.

----------


## bramblefoot

you escape a russian POW camp, emaciated but alive

i insert a bagpipe-playing Apatosaurus

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you escape a russian POW camp, emaciated but alive
> 
> i insert a bagpipe-playing Apatosaurus


You get flute playing cheesburger.

I insert the British king.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get guy fawkes 2.0 and the collapse of the british monarchy

i insert the chant *"lizzie's in a box"*

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get guy fawkes 2.0 and the collapse of the british monarchy
> 
> i insert the chant *"lizzie's in a box"*


You get a bunch of sad Brits morning they have less people to gossip about.

I insert a cheesburger.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get the cheesespider from cloudy with a chance of meatballs 2

i insert the hot wings challenge and an insane psyker

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get the cheesespider from cloudy with a chance of meatballs 2
> 
> i insert the hot wings challenge and an insane psyker


You get a large amount of minor supernatural effects.

I insert a nuke

----------


## bramblefoot

you get a spec-force team called to your door and go to maximum security bonk jail

i insert an evil god doggo with plans to take over the world

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get a spec-force team called to your door and go to maximum security bonk jail
> 
> i insert an evil god doggo with plans to take over the world


You get a good later to be revealed half god cat to stop them.

I insert a plot device.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert a plot device.


You get a gun, owned by some Russian guy. The letters A. C. are engraved on it.

I insert a bus ticket.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a bus. As soon as it slows down to pick you up, it explodes in a massive fireball. Keanu Reeves looks pretty upset.

I insert a baby shark.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get gawr gura from hololive en

i insert the worlds new alarm, a thousand scottish bagpipers at 6am sharp every day for the rest of eternity

----------


## ChrysalisM

> you get gawr gura from hololive en
> 
> i insert the worlds new alarm, a thousand scottish bagpipers at 6am sharp every day for the rest of eternity


You get a pair of earplugs.

I insert another vending machine

----------


## bramblefoot

you get the war of the vending machines, resulting in the destruction of gitp as we know it

i insert a natural 20 rolled on a (play kazoo) test

----------


## Smoutwortel

> you get the war of the vending machines, resulting in the destruction of gitp as we know it
> 
> i insert a natural 20 rolled on a (play kazoo) test


The entire vending machine start shaking on the rithm of the kazoo and you get 12 gp.

I insert gitp.

----------


## Rogan

> I insert gitp.


You get a "The vending machine is busy, please try again later" message. 

I insert some bug spray.

----------


## bug_sniper

You get some confused mosquitos.

I insert Dr. Gunsforhands's nurse and physician's assistant.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get a lawsuit for medical malpractice

i insert nurse bazooka from spongebob squarepants

----------


## Dire Moose

You get your head blown off by an actual bazooka.

I insert an armored tank.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get a HIMARS missile dropped on said tank, ruining a crewmans day, year, and life

i insert a supersonic pterodactyl with inplanted jet engines

----------


## 5a Violista

You get a 1920s airplane with furs


Meanwhile, I put in a left pink ankle sock

----------


## bramblefoot

you get a right purple knee sock

i insert 100 crowbars and 1 crow bar full of angry corvids

----------


## bug_sniper

You get a murder of crows. As in, a pigeon pecked to death by crows.

I insert a cobweb with a cob of corn stuck in it.

----------


## Velaryon

You get a tarantula with the face of Colonel Sanders.

I insert a cassette tape of Milli Vanilli's greatest hits, with the tape all snarled and tangled up.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a bunch of angry gnomes all taped together and struggling to untie themselves.

I insert my letter to Santa Claus.

----------


## animorte

> I insert my letter to Santa Claus.


You get a Return to Sender stamp.

I insert a private jet and two passports.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get jason bourne stealing both to make an escape from treadstone

i insert a cat in a washing machine

----------


## Rogan

> i insert a cat in a washing machine


You get this:



> *Spoiler: image*
> Show


I insert an incomplete [SPOILER] tag.

----------


## Dire Moose

You get a bunch of angry fans wielding pitchforks and torches.

I insert a _Broom of Flying_.

----------


## bramblefoot

you get the whomping willow destroying said broom in a fit of pique

i insert four eunuchs and pistol with three rounds in its magazine

----------


## bug_sniper

You get 3 dead bodies and 4 strapons fitted to the eunuchs.

I insert the 3 dead bodies.

----------


## Rogan

> i insert four eunuchs and pistol with three rounds in its magazine


You get the sound of three gunshots and one survivor

I insert a toolbox.

I got Ninjas!

----------


## bramblefoot

you get samurai

i insert the jug band remix of ride of the Valkyries that the prairie dogs play when they are attacking the water truck in rango

----------

