Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[Kardwill]

Elf : I wonder what this magic ring does. Do I jump higher?
GM : Nope.
Elf : Maybe protection? Bouffu, hit me!
Dwarf (grinning) : Really? Okay, (roll) 19 to hit, 9 points of damage.
Elf : "NOT WITH YOUR MAGESLAYER AXE!"
Dwarf : If an elf asks you to hit them, you have to do it properly.
GM : As a silver lining, you noticed the ring was glowing just before the axe hit your face. Record a ring of protection +1.
Elf : Nifty. Still, owwww.

[KorvinStarmast]

GM: On the tera raptor's turn, he knocked you down and tore a hole in your space suit. Your defensive move was to kick at him; you just kicked a tera raptor in his junk.
Dr Sane: I think you'll just make him mad.
Dr Ronson: I'll crawl away and patch up the space suit.
Dr Sane: Thanks. I now have an angry tera raptor in my face.

---

Rune Knight: I was not ready for dragon mutual butt sniffing tonight.

[DigoDragon]

Lily: "What kind of resistances does it have?"
Jeremiah (stabbing it in the tentacle): "It doesn't have dagger resistance."

Sparks: "Good thing I remembered to put Electrical resistance on the party before I did that."
Lily: "Would have been a shocking turn of events otherwise."

GM: "So the floor feels spongy to you."
Beau (hovering in the air): "What floor?"
Sparks: "Okay. so for us plebeians who can't fly, sponge floor."

Beau: "This suck of hit points brought to you by..."

Sparks: "We're in the middle of a murder dungeon, and our cleric is touching grass."
Beau: "Can you blame her?"
Sparks: "No, I'm actually jealous."

Sparks: "Alright, I whip out my bison."
Jennah: "Oh myyy."

[KorvinStarmast]

Monk: Looks like a drug distribution center.
War Mage: And they are shipping it to your country. (Gestures to Rune Knight)
Rune Knight: Burn it to the ground. All of it.
Monk: Wait. Where will the folks who the mind flayers enslaved go?
Rune Knight: There are barrels of beans and rice in that warehouse over there.
As I said, burn this to the ground.
Druid: Sets fire to the building.
Rune Knight: Now let's go and find that elder brain...

====================

Druid: casts Commune. I get three questions, right?
DM: Yes.
Druid: Can we defeat all of those cities and towns where the mind flayers have the populace under their thumbs?
Response: You can try.
War Mage: There's this old elven library that I need to do some research in, see you guys later ...

[KorvinStarmast]

Monk: This looks like a drug distribution center.
War Mage: (looks at Rune Knight) And they are shipping it to your country.
Rune Knight: Burn it to the ground. All of it.
Monk: Wait, we just freed these people from Mind Flayers; where will they live?
Rune Knight: Wherever they can find shelter and food. The other warehouse is full of rice and beans.
Burn it to the ground.
Druid: OK. (casts the bonfire cantrip).

[Stellarjay39]

DM: You're all the captain now.

Jorg: There were rules about what the band was supposed to do: When they could play, when they couldn't play, when they had to play…
DM: You're not allowed to do the Scottish play.

DM: Your ship [Clothilda] pulls into the harbor. Have you decided on a different name for it?
Godfrey: The ****-Hilda.

Godfrey: Bone Brothel!

DM: Skele-whore.
Godfrey: I can put on some lipstick.

DM: As soon as the Bone Brothel sails into port-
B: It slips in.
Godfrey: And then it rocks with the waves, a little motion of the ocean.
DM: When the boat's a'rocking…

Godfrey: Bone Brothel, now serving meat.
DM: …As soon as the Bone Brothel pulls into port-
B: I can't wait to pull out!
DM: -there is a sudden burst of activity… It's never going to end. 😭

Tish: Slavers can eat my ****, I'm more worried about the cult.

DM: The bartender is no longer a faceless white human named Steve-
Godfrey: He's a faceless white human named Jim.

Tish: Is she visibly Yuan-Ti?
DM: Yes.
Tish: Alright. Smash.

Tish: Howdy- Oh God. He's rubbing off on me.

Godfrey: I'll be the trustworthiest person you've met, or my name isn't Godfrey Grills.

DM: He's zig-zagging, trying to make sure he's not being followed.
Godfrey: But [B's] just zig-zagging right beside him, nonchalantly.

Tish: Do I get a surprise visit from anyone, good or bad?
Tweezers: Your mutha.
Tish: I hope not. That would be awkward.

DM: How many hit-points do you have?
Tish: None of your ****ing business- why?!

Tish: My sister just busted my ****ing lip! I'm bleeding into my milk now.
Tweezers: Hehe strawberry milk.
B: She'll get you a free one!

DM: She hugs you.
Tish: I hug her back.
Jorg: And then you feel the blade.

Godfrey: May I offer you a tragic backstory in these trying times?

[KorvinStarmast]

Rune Knight: Here's your 20 Temp HP, do you want to hear the pep talk?
Druid, War Mage, Monk: No. (In three part harmony).
DM: (sighs) Role playing seems to be selectively enjoyed...

------------------------------
Rune Knight: Under all of these undead bodies we find containers from Rhys's lab. He's behind this?
Druid: Yeah, he's been at this for months.
War Mage: Bring the staff pieces to use as evidence.
Rune Knight: There are four arch mage (or higher) level members of the council and none of them figured out that he's been crafting undead monstrosities that are tunneling into the forest? How did they get to be arch mages with such low INT scores?
----------------------

[DigoDragon]

Beau: “Do we want to identify these magic items now?”
Sparks: “Let's go back home where things are less likely to eat us. And yes, I say that full knowing that our keep is full of mimics.”

Vampire: *regenerates arm*
Sparks: “Well that spell is handy.”
Beau: “He looks reinvigorated and rearmed.”
Lily: *dope slaps Sparks and Beau*

Beau: “Check out the size of the turkey in the friar, Tuck.”

Sparks: “Beau, when a god asks if you want an escort, you say YES.”

[Slipjig]

Fighter: "Why do all of our contacts set up meetings in Evil Sex Clubs?"
Paladin: "New campaign goal: have a meeting in a NON-Evil Sex Club!"
Rogue: [Joins in the festivities]

[Stellarjay39]

✨Musical edition✨

DM: 🎵There's a place I know where they go hardcore and there's orphans on the floor🎵
Jorg: That might get the feds involved.

DM: …I was going to say something, before the impromptu Ke$ha.

DM: You do not recognize the language of the spell being cast, but they are all casting it together.
Tish: Fireball.
Tish & Godfrey: 🎵FIREBALL! Do do do do-do do🎵

DM: Kama. Kama. 🎵Kama Kama chameleon. On my taco. Rock and roll.🎵

DM: Tweezers, roll perception.
Tweezers: 16.
DM: 🎵You always feel like, somebody's watching yoooou.🎵

DM: Before firearms, the command wasn't "fire", it was "loose".
Godfrey: In the 80s, it changed to "foot-loose", which caused all sorts of issues.

DM: 🎵What is a dragon, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught.🎵

Drago/DM: I can rule the world. Take it. Wonder by wonder. 🎵Over sideways and under-🎵
Tish: Goddamnit.

Tish: This was the first ascension. Oh God, I just put that together. Jesus ****ing Christ.
DM: No, he wasn't alive at the time.
Tish: What do you mean?
DM: Jesus wasn't alive yet.
Tish: Oh, **** you!
Godfrey: 🎵Drago the savior is bo-orn, Drago the savior is born.🎵
Tish: Merry ****ing Christmas.

I (the DM) may have a problem.